Original subtitles

[groans]

TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL.

Now I am a woman of the workforce, I crave the weekends.

It's just a chance to relax

away from Cannon Capital's meetings and memorandums and electronic mails.

What is all this shit?

Laszlo!

[whimpers] My darling. Do both these eyes look hazel to you?

I think it's important my monster has a matching set.

You have turned our home

into Jack the Ripper's recycle bin.

I thought you had finished creating your freaky monster sex doll man.

My darling, if I am to maintain my freaky sex doll monster man,

as you inaccurately call him,

it's important I have an adequate supply of spare body parts.

But what are these?

Uh, they're hearts. They're livers.

They're spleens. They're kidneys.

That's a cat's arsehole. I've no idea what that is.

Whatever. Just get them gone.

- [Laszlo] Mmm. All right. - Come on, chop-chop.

There's no room in this house for all the things I need to get done.

It's fine. I'll pick those up later.

["You're Dead" playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead You're dead ♪

♪ You're dead And out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope And compassion is gone ♪

♪ You've sold out your dream To the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead Stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead And out of this world ♪

[song ends]

[speaking Greek] I have had enough.

There are too many useless ball sacks

lying around the house with you and Nandor.

We cannot deal with all this extra shit.

My darling, I have everything under control.

- Oh, do you? - [Laszlo] Absolutely.

- Then what are those? - Feet.

Perhaps Laszlo was trying to tell you the game is afoot. [chuckles]

Shut up, Guillermo.

Nandor, does it not concern you

that you are sat on top of a bag of noses?

I

[chuckling] I thought it was a cushion.

[speaking Greek] I fell in the bloody pile of torsos again.

- Oh, no! No, no, no! - [Nadja Doll] Ugh. Pick me up.

- Laszlo! I mean it! [groans] - [Nadja Doll] Oh, get it off me.

Just find a place to store all of this human crap.

All right, my darling.

But where do you suggest?

The small space under the stairs where Guillermo used to live.

We never figured out what to do with it since he moved into the shed.

Actually, that space has already been occupied.

What the shit gives you the right to take over that space, Nandor?

A: Guillermo was my familiar. And B: I have already done it.

[Laszlo] And so it begins.

First, Nandor unilaterally gives my garden shed to Gizmo.

A shed I lovingly converted into a temple of self-worship

or some might call it a "Jack Shack."

No. This has to end now.

Otherwise, Nandor will take over the house entirely.

A slope slippier than a whore's saddle. Mmm.

If you had wanted the space under the stairs,

you would have taken the space under the stairs.

Yeah, well, I do want the space under the stairs.

And I intend to take the space under the stairs. For all my

To keep the body parts in order.

Yes.

Hey. Sorry, don't mean to interrupt.

I just want to let you know

that you guys are out of hot water.

Hold your horses, Noeël Coward.

You can tell your ex-boss

that this house is not a dictatorship.

- [Nadja] Yes. - No, I don't wanna get involved.

You guys figure it out, okay?

And how do you propose we do that?

I don't know. Take a vote.

Good idea, Guillermo.

[imitating] Hey, everyone, let's have a vote.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Nandor, that is a great idea.

- Uh - Let's take a vote.

All those in favor of giving Laszlo dominion

over Guillermo's old space under the stairs

to use as a storage facility for his bodily parts.

Yes, and all my sex stuff.

And maybe some wanking.

Okay, raise hand.

And all those in favor

of it remaining the sovereign territory of Nandor

for his exclusive use as a home gymnasium,

which only Nandor can use,

raise your hands.

- No. - It is settled.

Two to one. Ha!

[snickers] Bad luck, Blackadder.

I demand a recount.

Sorry, the people have spoken.

Don't tarnish your legacy, Nandor.

Hear me out. Nadja. A gym only I can use,

- hmm? - Fuck off.

Laszlo, still thinking about it?

No, not even a little.

Yes, don't be a little bitch, Nandor.

[Nandor] What can I say? I lost.

Another time, I would just seize the territory,

but I grow weary of the fight.

Perhaps it is time for this old cowboy to just hang up his spurs

and go fuck himself right up the pooper.

- Okay, fine. - [scoffs]

I shall clear out my StairMaster and booty bands by tomorrow.

[Nadja] Good. And also, give Laszlo his

[Colin] This is not good. Not good at all.

So I regularly use our network of vents

to gather intel on my housemates

and I've recently uncovered a troubling development.

Well, it's finally happening.

I'm being forced out of the house.

Over the years, I've kept extensive records

detailing the power rankings within the house.

Who's hot, who's not. Who's chic, who's weak.

Who's fly, who's shy. Who's ballin', who's stallin'.

Up here, you have Nandor, then Nadja, then Laszlo.

And down here, Guillermo, until recently.

And over here, is your baby boy,

Colin Robinson, who is going down.

I've been able to hold on to my place in the house

due to a delicate dance.

Not unlike Henry Kissinger's triangular diplomacy.

Nadja and Laszlo represent one stalwart alliance.

Nandor and Guillermo the other.

My lone wolf status afforded me a position of power.

A tiebreaker.

The Harold Prince to their Stephen Sondheim and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

But the power dynamics have now shifted.

Now that Guillermo has left the house, Nandor is a broken man.

And I fear it's just a matter of time before he goes over

to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance for good

and they decide to kill me and quarter my body

to share as sick souvenirs amongst themselves.

Or worse, I have to go apartment hunting.

[Colin] Come on. You know you want to.

- I'm not moving back into the house. - [Colin sighs] Fine.

- But will you at least talk to Nandor? - I don't think me talking to him

is gonna make a difference. He's not gonna listen to me either.

- Well, you didn't let me finish. - Sorry.

Uh, what I was saying before you cut me off and didn't let me finish was,

- maybe if you were to talk to Nandor - Mm-hmm.

I could walk by or something and he'd see me

and he'd be like, "Oh, there's Colin Robinson.

I should really form an alliance with him."

You know, to get out of having to talk to you.

Okay. Good night.

- [machine buzzing] - I appreciate you

playing my favorite song to cut the tension,

but I don't think it's gonna help me solve this problem.

Doesn't hurt though.

[humming]

Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor, don't talk to Nandor.

I don't care, all right? Just leave me out of it.

- Hypnotize him for all I care. - Oh. That's ridiculous.

Everyone knows you can't hypnotize a vampire. They always have their guard up.

Well, then hypnotize him when he's asleep. Like I'm trying to be.

Sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible?

[Guillermo] Can you do that somewhere else, please?

Well, I-I-I like the ambient noise.

Oh. Let's take it again. Uh, three, two

Sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible?

- I have to find out. - [Guillermo] Colin.

[rattling]

[creaking]

Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit.

What's up?

Hear me now and believe me later.

You are a fierce warrior.

I am a fierce warrior.

You must stand your ground.

[Nandor] Stand my ground.

Your only ally is Colin Robinson.

Are you sure?

Yes, you love Colin Robinson.

That sounds wrong, but okay.

All right.

Laszlo, is that chair totally necessary?

It's taking up a lot of room.

Well, how else can I sit and review my stored items of science?

Is that a box of pornography in front of you?

No, anatomical textbooks.

The collective works of Doctors Flynt and Guccione.

- Hey. Have either of you seen Nandor? - Oh. He's probably oversleeping.

Without his home gym room, he has very little to live for.

Cool, cool, coolio. I'm just gonna go for a walk. Just a normal walk.

[Nadja] Okay.

[Laszlo] I know what you're going to do with that chair.

You're going to sit in it and stroke yourself, reading your filth.

[Laszlo] Perhaps I will.

I'm sorry, my darling. Would you like a hand?

- [Nadja] Yes, I'd actually love one. - [Laszlo] Well, take your pick.

We've got a bunch of them.

Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m. Time to rise and oh!

[speaking Al Quolanudarian]

[sniffing]

Colin Robinson.

[screaming in Al Quolanudarian]

[Nadja] Some of them are just too long to fit in as one piece.

- [Laszlo] That's what my gran said. - [Nadja] Ugh.

I am back from my walk.

- Who fucking cares? - Give a fuck.

I saw Nandor out in the hallway. He'll be in in a sec.

- [Nadja] Uh-huh. - [Nandor screaming]

What the hell?

[speaking Al Quolanudarian]

What the dick is he saying?

Oh. Hold on. I have a translation app here.

[speaking Al Quolanudarian]

[woman] I have conquered officially the room beneath the stairs

- in the name of Al Quolanudar. - No one's conquered anything.

What the fuck is he talking about?

And I could not have conquered the room beneath the stairs

without Colin Robinson, my primary ally within this fortress.

We take what we wish, and defend it unto death.

- [kisses] - [Laszlo] Oh.

You heard what he said, ding-dongs.

This is our house now, and if you don't like it,

you can eat my ass.

[Nandor cackling, speaking Al Quolanudarian]

[woman] Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass.

It is plain to see,

something very strange is going on with Nandor.

[Nandor screaming]

[Nadja] He's being competent and assertive.

Much different to the soaking-wet simp we are used to.

[shouting in Al Quolanudarian]

I'm not gonna stand around while these two tits bugger about.

I do important science in there three times a day.

- Nandor, get the fuck out of there. - [woman] No, thank you.

- You heard the lady. Fuck off. - Wow.

- Oh, good! Look who just sashayed in. - "Shasay" away.

No, no, no. We're facing a bit of a contretemps. We need your help.

Why don't you just all share the room?

My husband needs it for his body parts!

We had a fucking vote on it, you idiot.

- [Colin] Quiet. - [speaking Al Quolanudarian]

[woman] I have a fair and equitable solution to propose.

Okay, then.

Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears.

Mmm.

Yeah. So he set the house on fire.

Turns out his equitable solution was,

"if I can't have Guillermo's room, then no one can have it."

[shouting in Al Quolanudarian]

Or something like that.

It's hard to tell because he also set my phone on fire.

[sirens wailing]

Boy, did we mess up.

We? No, there's no "we." This is all you.

Who convinced me to sleep-hypnotize him? You.

What? I didn't do, oh.

- Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe. - [groaning]

Why don't you sleep-hypnotize him

to go back to the way that he was before?

Yeah, I want to, but my phone melted.

- Well, then get a new phone. - [Colin] Oh, my God.

- [shouting in Al Quolanudarian] - [Guillermo] That's not good.

[Colin] I would get a new phone, but I kind of wanna wait

until the new one's released next year.

I mean, there's nothing worse than updating your devices in the off-cycle.

Apple seems to be on an autumn release time frame.

Okay. You know what? How about this?

We use my translation app. And then after that, I'm out.

Okay. Type in, "You will return to yourself as you were before."

[beeps, speaking Al Quolanudarian]

- Great. - Okay.

[Guillermo] That should get him back to normal.

[Colin] Time to go to bed, buddy. Come on.

[Guillermo] And after this, no more sleep hypnosis!

[Colin] Let's hit the hay, buddy.

Sleep hypnosis?

Is such a thing even possible?

When you awake, you will be much tidier.

Tidier.

Neater and cleaner.

You will not be able to tolerate a single mess.

Neater. Tidier.

Everything in its right place.

I love you, Mommy.

Oh.

Whoa.

Very good, my love.

Oh, Marmaduke. You are something else.

You know, they don't live as long, the-the bigger dogs.

- [Nadja] Oh. - Hey, man. I was reading that.

Well. Not now, you're not. I'll have to iron it now.

What is your major malfunction?

FMJ, 1987.

- Bloody savage. - Sheesh.

We shall never be belligerent.

But we shall be as firm in defending our system

as they are in expanding theirs.

I think we can all agree that is very well-spoken.

That sounds kind of like a threat to me.

This is not a threat, this is a statement of policy.

But we are done arguing

over the shitty little room under the stairs, correct?

I have never been a quitter.

[imitating Nixon] "But as president,

I must put the interests of America first."

What the fuck is he talking about?

[continues as Nixon] "Nobody will ever write a book,

probably about my mother."

So, yes, I sleep-hypnotized Nandor again last night.

Just to get him back to normal.

I will return to myself

[Colin] And while I was messing around in there,

I thought, why not improve on the original?

- Basically, just like this guy. - This guy.

Charismatic. A student of Realpolitik.

Nobody will ever write a book, probably about my mother.

But, yeah, I think I may have sleep-hypnotized Nandor

into Richard Nixon.

For 16 years, since the Hiss case, you've had a lot of fun.

A lot of fun. You've had an opportunity to attack me.

And I'd like to think I've given as good as I've taken.

- Colin Robinson. - Hmm?

Have you done something to Nandor's brain somehow?

No. No, I don't think I did.

- [Nandor as Nixon] Hmm. - Nandor, listen to me.

Has Colin Robinson done something to your head?

[Nandor as Nixon grunts]

People have got to know whether their president is a crook.

Well, I'm not a crook. [grunts]

No, no, don't come in.

Whatever it is, I don't care.

- [sighs, groans] - [grunting]

- Are you okay? - [continues grunting]

- Do you wanna talk about it? Come on. - [grunting]

- Okay. What is it? - [clears throat]

- "You know what it was." - What?

"It was a little Cocker Spaniel dog

in a crate he sent all the way from Texas.

Black and white, spotted.

And our little one, Trisha, the six-year-old.

She named it Checkers."

Wait, isn't this, like, a Richard Nixon speech?

"Our kids, they love that dog, and I just want to say this.

Right now, regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it."

Did Colin Robinson sleep-hypnotize you

so you're only able to speak like Richard Nixon?

I will not put the blame on subordinates.

I'll take that as a yes.

Would you like me to help undo it?

Sock it to me.

And you'll go back to the Nandor from before.

Just a regular vampire.

What is this?

Sleep hypnosis? Is such a thing even possible.

Your camera's filthy.

Packages. I hope it's my electric kettle.

No. Here we go.

No. It's, uh, all addressed to Laszlo Cravensworth.

It's weird.

I wonder how he even figured out how to use Prime.

- [Laszlo chuckles] - [Guillermo] What, uh

Ah.

What's going on here?

My parcels from the Amazon. Thank you for ordering, Colin Robinson.

Lord Laszlo's wish is my command.

[all] All hail Lord Laszlo.

[Laszlo] Solvents and sponges for everyone.

[Guillermo] May I just say you look fabulous, Baron.

Flatterer.

You know, but it turns out that these little scallywags

do more than just keep me young in spirit.

They also secrete a wonderful healing cream.

Look, I'm almost back to normal.

The Sire extracts milk from them every evening.

So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis. Is such a thing even possible?

Apparently, yes.

I kid you. Everybody knows about sleep hypnosis.

Do you think you could hypnotize them back?

Can I, the supreme all-powerful vampire, hypnotize them?

- Obviously. - Okay.

Why don't you hand me your very smart telephone

and I can record my hypnosis. You can play it for them later.

But do not listen lest you become hypnotized yourself.

How about noise canceling?

Ah. Now I'll do the recording, if you put on your ear buddy phones.

Okay.

[beeps]

Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known.

Let me listen to that back. I always sound so nasally in these things.

Okay.

Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known.

- You like it? Yeah, okay. Great. - Yeah.

Okay. So now I will do the recording.

- Oh. Okay. - [clears throat]

Ye shall forget everything ye know

and everything ye have known.

Okay. Let me listen to that back.

I always sound so nasally in these things.

Uh-huh.

Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known.

- Great. I'll just take the phone back. - Not-Not so fast.

I still need to do the recording.

Oh. I see what's going on here.

[mouthing, shushing] Be quiet.

[door creaking]

Come on.

[The Baron] Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known.

Ye shall forget everything ye know and everything ye have known.

[snoring]

[lock clicks]

[creaks]

- [Guillermo grunts] - [Laszlo] Hmm.

- Good. You guys are finally up. - Up with the lark.

[sighs] That was the best sleep I've had in ages.

Indeed, good sir.

Nandor the Relentless, by the way.

I don't believe I caught your name.

Leslie Cravensworth. You may call me Mr. Cravensworth.

[Nandor] Mister Cravensworth.

- [Laszlo] And who's that? - [Nandor] I have no idea.

So, it seems that, uh, The Baron's hypnosis

not only made them forget about their hypnoses

Relentless, you say?

- Yes. - Must be my lucky day.

but it also made them forget that they had ever met each other

because, of course it did.

[Nadja speaking Greek] Nadja of Antipaxos.

[Laszlo] Mmm.

- [in English] Nice to meet you. Nadja. - I say. Hello.

Hello. I'm Colin Robinson. Who-Who are you, boners?

I say. Hello.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna like living here just fine.

Apart from the fact that I'm disoriented, slightly afraid

and don't know who you are.

[Colin] Nice little nest we've got here, huh?

Oh, yes. Look at this chandelier.

- Surely could hold a sex net. - Sex net.

[both chuckling]

Check out this little space back here.

Oh, yes. Look at this nice little space.

Perfect for a place to hang out.

- [Colin] Now we're talking. - I was thinking the same thing.

I mean, it's a bit small. It would only really be good for a solo pursuit.

If I may be so bold, I think I would like to set up shop here if that is okay.

Sorry. But no, you may not be so bold

because I myself was hoping to set up shop just here, so--

Well, if I might be bolder still. I'd like to wank there.

See, I was thinking of just having an area that I could stand in.

Well.

[Laszlo clears throat]

[hissing]

So who the fuck is gonna get that space under the stairs?

- Me. I am. - I guess you do your wanking

[Nadja] I should have a safe space.

[chuckling] Hello, everyone. Knock, knock, knock, knock.

I need to tell you something.

I just want to say sorry that I haven't been around lately.

But I have been working closely with your old roommate Jerry the Vampire

on his big, fantastic plan to conquer all of North America.

- Who? - Come on.

You know Jerry the Vampire, your old roommate.

Super slumber guy, tall. He's got a round face.

I don't know who is who or what is what.

But I am loving this ditzy blonde.

- Sleep hypnosis. - Hypnosis. I was trying to tell you.

[The Guide] Oh, yes. Sleep hypnosis is a very real thing.

I learned that my first week of Vampire Council sleepaway camp.

Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine.

Enchanted. Have we met before?

If we had, I'm sure I would have remembered.

- [kisses] - [The Guide] Anyways,

it is quite easy to undo.

[whispering] You have never been sleep hypnotized.

Neither of you have ever been sleep hypnotized.

Never, ever. Hush, little baby.

Done. Done. Done.

[yawning] I just had the strangest dream.

You were there, Laszlo. And you were there, Nandor.

But we didn't know each other.

- Oh. Was I there? - No.

Knock, knock. Sorry, I was knocking for a while and just let myself in.

Guillermo de La Cruz.

- We know. - No shit, Geronimo.

Oh, good. You saw my resume.

I'm here for an interview with Nandor.

I saw the ad on Craigslist.

Half-bed, no bath, light housework required.

I think I can handle that. [chuckles]

So apparently, Guillermo likes to listen to podcasts while he falls asleep.

Unfortunately for him, he must've listened

to the Baron's hypnosis message on loop,

over and over again,

instead of his usual Real Housewives from bumfuck wherever recap.

Oh.

- Guillermo, is it? - Yes.

Nice to meet you.

I am Nandor. Shall we?

- Hi. - [Nadja] Good luck.

And at Panera Bread, I was responsible for closing and opening of the shop.

- Impressive. - Thank you. [chuckles]

I was wondering if I could ask you something.

Sure.

You guys are

- You know. - What?

You guys are vampires, right?

Yes.

I knew it. That is so awesome. I had a feeling. Just

I didn't even see your fangs until now.

That is so cool.

I know you couldn't put that in the ad, obviously.

- Well, yeah. - I was just I

I've always fantasized about being one.

- A vampire, that is. - Mmm.

When I was little, I begged my mom for a cape.

She didn't have the money for it,

but somehow she found a way of making one.

And I put that cape on, and I just fantasized

about what it would be like to fly all over the world.

No one picking on you. Live forever.

I was a pretty shy kid, so I didn't have a lot of friends.

I'm sure you can understand that.

Not really. I was rich and a jock.

Yeah. That makes sense.

But I can imagine. It must have been very, um, hard.

[Guillermo chuckling] It's okay.

I don't wanna jump the gun here,

but I would love to be your familiar.

- But I do wanna ask. - Mmm.

If I

Or your familiar-- Whoever you choose. It's your choice

Sure.

- did a really great job - Mmm.

and did everything you ever asked of them,

- would you ever-- - Make you a vampire?

Yes.

I must confess, I am a little tempted

to keep Guillermo as he was the very first time he came to me.

I will dehypnotize him later tonight.

But, for now, I will let him have one last sleep

in his little room under the stairs.

[heavily breathing]

I forgot how loudly he breathes.

So in the end, we figured out the best solution.

Share the room.

- [both] Share the room. - Share the room.

[Nadja groans]

♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪

♪ I can't eat ♪

♪ I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪

♪ You're doing very strange things to my brain ♪

♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪

♪ And I wonder If I'll ever be the same ♪

♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪