Original subtitles

I say, I was just thinking--

"I'’ll alert the media." Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981.

- Shut the fuck up, Colin Robinson. - Thank you, my darling.

I was just thinking, now that Gizmo is no longer with us,

perhaps we could repurpose that space under the stairs that he used to live in.

- So mean! - What?

You know that it gives Nandor the pip

when he hears about his old bouncing little buddy.

I don'’t even know what you guys are talking about.

- Guillermo. - Who?

The servant boy who used to live in the rathole under the stairs.

I remember it was the perfect place for me to store my precious volumes.

I think you will find, Laszlo, that before Guillermo lived here,

I would use that space for my "calistheneticals."

No, I think you'’ll find I grabbed that space as soon as we moved in.

- [groans] - Do you know who would remember?

Who?

- Jerry. [chuckles] - Yes.

- Jerry. Yeah. - Jerry.

- [Laszlo] Yes. - Good old Jerry.

- Jerry would remember everything. - Yes.

Sorry. Who'’s Jerry?

Jerry was our fifth roommate back in the old days.

Jerry'’s a good guy. Solid vampire.

[Nadja] Jerry was a real leader.

- A man with a plan. - [Laszlo] Yep.

Or rather, a vampire with a plan-pire.

I mean, the man is all vampire, no bullshit.

Even his name: "Jerry the Vampire."

No frills, no chills. No "Blah, blah, blah the Relentless"

or "Vlad the Whatever."

"Jerry the Vampire." Bam! Thank you, mister.

Jerry and I used to have these really long talks,

and he'’d actually listen to me.

He might have been the only person in this house that actually liked me.

That'’s true.

- Jerry the Vampire. We hardly knew ye. - Jerry.

Whatever happened to Jerry?

[chuckles]

- Oh, my goodness. - Bollocks.

- [Nandor] Shit. Shit. Fuck. - [Colin] What?

[Nandor] I hope Jerry is okay.

[Nadja] This is a real mess-up!

Sometimes a vampire will decide to go into a super slumber.

[Nadja] Where they will stay sleeping for decades and decades.

- Awakening only when their f-- - Their fellow vampires wake them up.

We, um, forgot to wake Jerry up from his super slumber. Oops.

Which is an easy thing to forget

because we had a lot going on.

We did. So much.

And also, because Jerry had requested to be woken up on New Year'’s Eve.

New Year'’s Eve, 1996.

Right.

This one'’s on us.

["You'’re Dead" playing]

♪ Don'’t sing If you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use For your song ♪

♪ You'’re dead You'’re dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You'’re dead And out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope And compassion is gone ♪

♪ You'’ve sold out your dream To the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead Stay dead ♪

♪ You'’re dead And out of this world ♪

[Nandor] Does anyone remember where Jerry'’s super-slumber coffin is?

[Nadja] Jerry?

[Nandor] Shh. Don'’t scream his name like that.

We must find his coffin and wake him gently.

- [Nadja] Jerry? - [Nandor] Guys, guys, guys.

- Here he is. It'’s Jerry. - [Laszlo] Oh, gosh.

Jerry? Oh, Jerry?

- [Nadja] Oh! Oh, my dark lord. - [Laszlo] No, no, no.

What have we done? [retches]

Jerry seems to have broken up into seven or eight pieces that smell like old meat.

- Hold on. This isn'’t Jerry. - [Nadja] What?

These are leftover body parts from a scientific experiment

I abandoned decades ago.

Couldn'’t be fucked, so I just left it all.

To create life. To use science itself--

chemical galvanism, electrobiology, etcetera, etcetera--

to reanimate dead tissue.

Now, whomever unlocks that mystery, is not a man, but a god.

Like Frankenstein.

- Who? - Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.

Never heard of him.

Right.

Maybe you will be the head that controls the creature

that the world will hail as Cravensworth'’s new man.

Laszlo, shut the fuck up and come and help them lift this coffin lid.

Sorry, my darling.

[hisses, yawns]

- Hi. - Hey, guys.

Wow, that was a long one. Happy New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.

- Finally. - So fun. You'’re all looking well.

- Nandor, my good man. - Hi, Jerry.

Hello. Nadja, as beautiful as ever.

Jerry, you'’re still buttering me up like the old days.

Yes. Dr. Cravensworth, I presume.

- You presume correctly. Good to see you. - Good to see you.

Hey, Jer-bear.

- There you are, old chap. - Hey.

Good to see you as well.

So, how did it go?

Uh, how did what go?

Conquering the New World.

I would have given anything to have been there for it,

- but I really needed that super slumber. - I bet.

So, did you end up conquering just the United States

or did you end up deciding

that the New World means Canada and Mexico as well?

[Jerry] So you let me sleep for 50 years instead of 20.

During which time, you conquered your street?

- Yes. - And part of--

- Part of Ashley Street. - [Jerry] Right.

- Actually, most of Ashley Street. So... - [Nandor] Yes.

- Look at this. - Yeah.

Again, you'’ve showed me whatever this thing is

where you can have a television in your pocket.

No, I know. But you asked what you'’ve missed over the last 50 years.

So, I just thought you should see this.

What is this supposed to be?

Well, it'’s a bit of a brain teaser.

Does the dress look white and gold or black and blue to you?

Okay. Stop. But the fact that vampires exist,

that'’s still a secret, right?

Humans don'’t know about that.

Yes, totally. Got no idea.

Yes, we lurk in the darkness concealing our own grim majesty

from prying human eyes.

And those who are too curious--

well, they'’ll spend their last moments ruing the day

they poked their noses in where they weren'’t belonging.

- What he said. - [Jerry] Right.

But then, why is there a human camera crew here filming everything?

Oh, them. [chuckles] No. You don'’t need to worry about them

because, Jerry, they'’re cool. So...

Yes, very cool.

Do you even know who they'’re going to show all this to?

[Nadja, Laszlo] Um...

- You gotta hear this. - ["We Didn'’t Start the Fire" playing]

What? What is this?

It'’s a pretty comprehensive list of the things you'’ve missed.

Yep. Maybe I could listen to this later, Carl.

- Colin. - Isn'’t that what I said?

No, you said Carl.

South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.

I was around for all of this. Maybe we could fast-forward?

Well, it stops in 1988 around the rock and roller Cola Wars.

- The what? - Rock and roller Cola Wars!

Okay. Not now, guy. Can somebody just please tell me

what is our current dark purpose,

and why are we letting these humans know about it?

Um... [stammers]

- Yes? - Sit down.

[Nandor] Never mind.

Jerry has been asking a lot of questions lately

about things I haven'’t thought about in a long while.

Things that make you go, "Hmm" so to speak.

Yes. Hmm.

- [Nadja] Come on. In here. - [Nandor] Sure of it? Yep.

Okay. Sorry, I just need a private moment with Nandor. So... [chuckles]

- [Nandor] What? - [Nadja] Just wait a second.

Okay. Why do we allow a camera crew

to document our every moves?

But who would not want to document the lives of three exalted vampires?

And also Colin Robinson.

Obviously. But why do we allow it?

[Nandor] Hmm.

- Right? - You know who would remember?

Guillermo would remember.

- Then we must go and talk to Guillermo. - No, we can'’t do that.

No, no, no, he has a new life now.

He has a new home. He has a new job.

Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.

[Nandor sighs] Fine.

[clears throat] Hello. We are going to visit Guillermo in his new home.

This way. You may not like where he lives now.

[scoffs] I do not like where any human lives.

There is always a sink and a couch and a drawer full of spoons. [scoffs]

Well, you know, I actually helped Guillermo to find his new home.

Well, because he was looking for his independence,

and I kind of felt I owed him.

It'’s okay to admit that you just miss him a little bit.

Please, Nadja. Familiars, they come, and they go.

You know, you cannot get too attached.

Most of them are killed in the line of duty anyways.

That'’s just the circle of life. And here we are.

What? I thought he had his own apartment.

Well, he does in Laszlo'’s old garden shed where he used to jack off.

Let'’s see if he's in. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

[Guillermo] Who is it?

Hi, guys.

So, yeah, I moved into Laszlo'’s garden shed.

There'’s a smell. Mildewy? I wanna say.

And there was some really big stains that I couldn'’t identify.

I was gonna get my own place eventually,

but I looked around for a while and realized I cannot afford anything.

So, when Nandor offered that I could stay here for 350 a week, I said yes.

Sign me up.

So, Guillermo, how long have you lived here?

- Months. - Months?

- Yeah. - Has it been that long?

- Yeah. - [Nandor] This is actually the first time

- I'’ve seen Guillermo since he left. So... - Bullshit.

Actually, no, he'’s telling the truth.

We'’ve maintained really good boundaries about not seeing each other

till I get my life together.

And where do you make toilet?

Hmm? Uh, I'’m always at work,

so I just save it till I'’m at work.

Work. And how is your new career going?

I work at a restaurant.

Panera Bread?

- Yeah. How did you guess? - Just--

- Even when you go pee-pee? - Pardon me?

You even save up your pee-pee for when you go to work?

And how is your new master at Panera?

My boss? Actually, he'’s good. He's--

Guillermo, what is this bucket?

You know what? It'’s getting late, and I have to be up early.

So, I think probably just--

Guillermo, this bucket smells like pee-pee.

I was wondering what the smell was that was here when I got here months ago.

- So that'’s what that was. - The point is this,

Jerry has inquired as to why we allow the documentary crew to film us.

- Wait. Who'’s Jerry? - Never mind. Doesn'’t matter who Jerry is.

You miss a little, you miss a lot.

- Shall we? - Yes. And I'’m taking this bucket with me.

No, wait. Why?

Why not? [chuckles]

[Nandor] See you in another month or two, Guillermo.

[Laszlo] Man, human form! [Nadja] Well, look who it is!

- [Laszlo] Hello, my darling. - [Jerry] Hi.

[Nadja] Yes. That'’s my love.

[Laszlo] Jerry and I'’ve just had a feed.

I had to warn him about the modern roads

with the steel horses with their rubber feet.

Again, I know what a fucking car is. I wasn'’t asleep that long.

- Laszlo, you sly dog. - [Laszlo] What--

You.

Congratulations, my friend.

- I thought you said you didn'’t finish him. - Finish what?

Your monster-- made of cadaver parts and reanimated to give it life.

Jerry, that is Guillermo.

Did you see? He looked when you said his name.

No, uh, he'’s human.

A human amongst us?

- Yes. - I'’ll handle this.

- [Nandor] No. Uh, Jerry. - [Nadja] No.

Jerry, no, no. This is Guillermo.

He'’s okay. He's our familiar.

Ah. Okay. Apologies.

Familiar, go fetch my coffin from the basement.

Uh, the thing is, Jerry, he'’s not our familiar anymore.

Okay. Why does he still live here?

- Good question. - It'’s a long story.

- Yeah. Look at this. - Don'’t.

Fine, but if someone asks you

why Michael Dukakis was riding on a tank,

you'’re not gonna know what to say. You'’re gonna look dumb, Jerry.

It'’s pretty good.

So you haven'’t managed to reanimate dead flesh to create new life?

- Not yet, no. - But that was your whole thing.

If you haven'’t been working on that, what have you been doing?

- Tending my vulva garden. - [Jerry] Indeed.

Uh, Nandor, can I see you for a moment inside?

Certainly, Jerry. This way.

He seems nice.

[Nandor] I turned Guillermo into a human, which was a hassle,

- but for the best... - Yeah. Yeah. Hold on just a second.

- Yeah? - Are you okay, man?

Me, Jerry? I'’m great. Why do you ask?

It'’s just-- The old Nandor, the Nandor I knew before I went to sleep?

- That'’s me. - Is it though?

You were Nandor the fucking Relentless,

a killer of men, a conqueror of continents.

- Yes. - Where the fuck is that guy?

Very good questions, Jerry.

The fuck happened around here?

Well, I'’m going to turn in before the sun comes up.

- Get back on a normal schedule. - [Nadja] Good night, Jerry.

The fuck is that?

That is my dolly.

She contains the ghost of my dead human form

from before I became a vampire, you know.

Right. Cool.

- Anyways... - Good night, Jerry.

- Good night, Kyle. - Colin.

I hadn'’t finished speaking. Uh.

Good night, Kyle-in.

- [Laszlo] Good to have you back, old chap. - [Jerry] Good to be back.

And good to see you two getting along again.

What'’s he talking about, my darling?

When I went under, you two weren'’t speaking at all.

You hadn'’t spoken in five or six years.

Really? I think I'’d remember something like that.

Um. Me too.

Maybe it was a different Laszlo and Nadja.

It was a long time ago, I guess.

Literally 50 years ago, which, again, was not the plan.

Colin Robinson, do you remember a time when me and Laszlo

had such a big argument that we didn'’t speak for about five years?

- Yeah. - Well, what was it about?

It couldn'’t have been that bad. I'’m sure it's water under the bridge now.

You wanted to go out and get a real job

because of your morbid fascination with regular folks.

- Right. - And Laszlo forbade it.

- He said it was too "dangerous-uh"... - [Laszlo] Yeah.

...for you to be out on your own without his protection or some bullshit.

You longhead streak of British piss!

Who are you to say that I need your protection?

If I want to go out mingling amongst the humans,

I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

- I forbid it. - Well, you know what? You can get fucked.

How dare you talk to me like that with that salty tongue?

- Why do you bring it up? - What about me?

Can'’t you see I'm dealing with my own stuff over here?

Jerry was one of the only real friends that I ever had.

At least I thought he was.

It'’s pretty obvious, though, that the guy doesn'’t remember me.

[Nandor] Jerry is right, of course.

What have I become?

My own familiar humiliates me and what do I do?

Murder him? Nah, I become his landlord.

Where did I lose my way?

[Laszlo] Jerry'’s right, of course.

I staked my entire reputation

on being a man of science.

A man to create life from dead tissue.

And what did I do?

I let a couple of setbacks shake my confidence

and spent the last 50 years pulling my pud. [sighs]

Who the hell is Laszlo to forbid anything?

Think of what I could have become

if I had learned the ways of the humans 50 years ago.

That'’s right, girl. Don'’t let these motherfuckers hold you back.

Yes. Exactly.

Truth.

A lot of bad feelings in the house right now,

which would ordinarily be a feast for an energy vampire.

But it'’s too much of a good thing and it'’s starting to show.

I'’m not even trying to feast on all the negative energy,

but it keeps soaking in

and I'’ll be damned if it doesn'’t go straight to my hips.

Guillermo, do you think you might respect me more if I had killed you?

What? No.

I think that was a very nice thing you did.

Not killing me.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Formerly known as Nandor the Relentless,

now known as Nandor the kind-of-nice guy.

Gizmo, I want you to have my scientific devices.

I won'’t be needing them anymore. I do not deserve them.

My bone saw, all yours. Stethoscope, you can have that.

- Whatever you like. - What if I killed you now?

Do you think that would make a difference? The moment has passed.

You sure you wanna get rid of this? Looks pretty expensive.

Well, that there is my anal speculum.

It'’s tarnished from years of use, but you'’re more than welcome to it.

Guillermo, I need you to do me a favor and please tell the pompous trout

with a woman'’s haircut, also known as Laszlo,

that he needs to move his coffin from our bedroom

to the couch in the library.

- But he'’s right there. - Gizmo, would you please tell my wife

if she wishes to kick a man while he'’s down,

to do so in writing?

[Guillermo] What is going on with you guys?

- Oh, hey. Yes. - Guillermo. Colin Robinson.

I used to live in the house right over there with you.

Colin, I know who you are.

At least somebody does.

Okay, this is not my place, not my job,

but clearly something'’s wrong.

And I think we can all agree what that is.

That I have become a total pussy?

- That I am a total failure? - That Laszlo is a total failure?

- That my pants don'’t fit anymore? - [Guillermo] No.

I was gonna say it'’s Jerry.

- What? Jerry. He just tells it like it is! - Such a great guy.

I know, I'’m sure Jerry is a great,

- fantastic guy... - He is.

...but, you know, something happens when you add a new person

into a group of friends.

It throws off the dynamic.

But you were the new person.

- Hang on. He was never a friend. - Okay, that'’s harsh,

but I made it work because I did whatever it took to make all of you happy.

I mean, I ate your shit over and over.

I mean, until I basically had no life of my own.

Okay, is this your sneaky, slimy,

little way of letting us know that you want to move back into the house with us

- and start working for us again? - We accept.

- No. No, absolutely not. - [Nandor] I was just joking, you know,

because we'’re doing just fine without you.

Great. The point is, I'’m sure Jerry was a great friend, right?

- Such a great guy. - You had a great time with him,

but it'’s just not working anymore.

And you all need to be honest with yourself and with him.

- He'’s right. - Thank you.

Guillermo, can you please tell the man who just said "he'’s right"

that I reluctantly agree with him?

Okay, Guillermo is right. We will fix.

- Great. - Great.

- I'’ll see you out. Thanks for coming. - Guillermo?

- Yes? Uh-huh? - One more thing.

Will you help us fix this?

What part of "I don'’t work for you" don'’t you understand?

Okay, fine. Not as a former familiar or as a preeminent former shit-eater

of Staten Island, but as a former friend.

Yeah.

Look, we all know this is gonna be a hard conversation to have, right?

- Yes. - Okay. So who'’s gonna do the talking?

- As leader of this group... - You'’re not the leader of the group.

- ...I shall do it. - Well, I don'’t disagree with that.

Guillermo, could you please tell Laszlo that it is not ever his right

- to say what people can and cannot do? - [horn beeps]

Guys, can you just step back a little bit? I'’m trying to turn around.

- Okay, so what are you going to say? - I will say,

"Jerry, old friend, we love you and we have love for you,

but it'’s just not working out."

That'’s great so far. Okay, and then what?

These two will hold him down,

and I'’m gonna drive this stake through his heart.

What? No.

Or I could just chop his head off.

- No. - [Laszlo] Douse him with this holy water.

- [Guillermo] No. - If he tries making a run for it, I got this bad boy.

What makes you think that you need to kill him?

- It was your idea. - [Guillermo] No, it wasn'’t.

There are other ways of ending a relationship

than killing the other person.

- Name one. - [coffin door opens]

- [Nandor] Shit. - [yawns] Hey, guys. What'’s up?

What? Did you let me sleep for another 50 years?

What year is it?

- Kidding, kidding. - Jerry, old friend.

- Nandor. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

[clears throat] We love you and we have love for you.

But it'’s just--

The thing is, you mean so much to us. You'’re such a-- No.

Sorry, Jerry. We forgot to tell you that you'’re such a big part of this family.

And there'’s something that they all discovered

while you were asleep for 50 years and they forgot to tell you.

- No. - Tell me.

Well, no, I forgot it was my job and I dropped the ball.

- I forgot to tell you. - Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup.

It'’s just that-- See, Jerry, it'’s-- Sorry.

I heard that you were the brains behind the whole taking over America plan.

Yeah. Guilty.

He'’s gonna like what we have to show him.

So why don'’t you come on out and we will show you--

- He'’s running! - No, he'’s not, Colin.

Oh, gosh! It went right through my foot in my orthopedic shoe.

- [Jerry] You had a crossbow. - [Colin] Ooh, that hurts.

[Guillermo] So, what do you think?

Am I supposed to F him or-- You know, what'’s the plan here?

I mean, you can if you want, but no, that'’s not why I brought him here.

Well, why did you bring him here?

PS, I probably will F him but more out of boredom than anything else.

Such as the plight of The Guide.

Okay. No, I brought him here because he'’s everything

you'’ve been waiting your entire life for.

He wants to take over the New World.

- It can'’t be true. - It is.

Could he be the chosen one

who will finally make our conquest a reality?

Yep.

You know, I once thought Nandor was the chosen one.

- Or Nadja and then Laszlo and never Colin. - Never.

I just said those guys are kind of not self-starters.

- That'’s true. - Uh, Lieutenant. [clears throat]

Oh, you can just call me The Guide.

You'’ll answer to "Lieutenant," and you'’ll like it.

You'’ll find I'm a bit of a stickler for a chain of command.

- I like him very much. - Told you.

Yes, sir. Lieutenant at your service, sir.

Now, is this the most current map of the continental United States?

- [Guillermo] No. - No, it is not, sir.

Also, I see that I missed a vampire infiltrating

the highest ranks of the US government a heartbeat away from the presidency.

Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig.

Get me everything you have on this guy.

We haven'’t had a vampire so close to the throne

of human power since McNamara in '’61.

Pulling those documents now, sir.

[Nandor] And so we are of one mind.

Therefore, we shall meet here for at least three hours every night

and conceive a plan--

the complete and total vampire subjugation of all humans.

- Hear! Hear! - Absolutely. Let'’s do this.

Yes.

- Can I get a beep-beep? - [horn beeps]

Conquering the New World is indeed job number one.

It is of the utmost importance.

But is it as important as creating life?

I'’m still a little mad at Laszlo for being a little pussy bitch,

threatened and scared because I wanted to learn the ways of the humans.

But now, it is all about just me going out there

and getting some and then getting a little piece more.

- Hmm? - What about conquering the New World?

You know, yes, conquering the New World or nothing.

Very important to me. Gonna get to it soon.

Now let the conquest of the New World commence.

House meeting. House meeting.

Hello? Guys?

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪

[Jerry] Pull me everything you'’ve got

- on foreign debt... - All right.

- ...homeless vets... - Yes.

- ...AIDS, crack... - Uh-huh.

- Yes, sir. Okay. - ...and Bernie Goetz.

Also any relevant documents concerning the rock and roller Cola Wars.

- Yes, here'’s a rock and roller Cola "scroll." - Ah, perfect.

♪ Rock and roller, cola wars I can'’t take it anymore ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ But when we are gone It will still burn on ♪

♪ And on, and on And on, and on, and on And on, and on ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ No, we didn'’t light it But we tried to fight it ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪