Original subtitles

[both grunting]

Can you just...?

Never mind.

[both groaning]

What's up with Blue Tip and Starfish?

Oh, those two have been fighting

like Don Draper and Pete Campbell

after they lost the Lucky Strike account.

What? Krusty's in reruns.

Lisa and I weren't fighting.

It was just a series of calm, constructive conversations.

What? That's not how I remember it.

Lisa was like,

[high-pitched] "I hate this town.

Everyone's stupid."

[regular voice] And you were like...

[hoarse] "Lisa's driving me crazy.

"We should send her to Capital City

with my sisters for the weekend."

[regular voice] That may not be word-for-word.

[chuckles nervously]

-[both groan] -Train for Capital City

leaving in five minutes!

Please wrap up all family arguments

and bid a quiet, poignant goodbye.

All aboard!

[exhales]

Bye, Lisa,

and have a great time in the city with your aunties.

I got you a little snack for the train.

[Lisa groans]

Mom, you know Apple Zoom is full of chemicals.

And it's owned by...

Thanks, Mom.

[whistle blows]

[Marge groans]

[chuckles]

I'm glad I don't have a daughter.

♪

[Lisa] Wow.

Capital City.

[horns honking]

God, there's just so much

I want to see and do here.

The Museum of Modern Museums.

The Prussian Coffee Room.

[gasps] The Unidentified State Building.

Oh, and tomorrow is the Highbrow Artists Parade. [giggles]

But the thing I really want to see

is the statue of the Fearless Girl

facing down the gorilla that symbolizes fossil fuels

and wasteful fast food packaging.

[Patty grunts]

What do you know?

You can let us out at the next block.

[Lisa] This is the touristy part of the city.

-Where are we going? -To the finest restaurant in town.

The Laramie Cigarette Smokehouse Grill.

[Lisa groans]

Bring us the Tuna Tar-Tar.

With extra tar.

-Cigs in a Blanket. -Philly Wheeze Steak.

-Vape Suzette. -And for dessert,

the Phlegm Brûlée.

Can we go now?

We've wasted the whole day here.

Cool your jets, toots.

Aunties need their post-meal smoke.

-[alarm sounding] -Sorry, ladies, no smoking.

Take it outside. Hi-yah!

[Patty and Selma grunt]

Patricia Bouvier?

Julian.

-[Patty moans] -Mwah.

I saw on Facebook that you were coming to town.

Why didn't you call me, you two gorgeous minxes?

[both laugh]

Lisa, this is my friend Julian.

We met last year at the Capital City pride parade.

I still think our float should have won first prize.

Stunning.

Oh, is that a book of poetry by Sylvia Plath?

Yes, it is.

Poor, dear Sylvia.

The world's loss was that oven's gain.

I'm a poet myself, also a novelist, essayist, playwright,

and author of the occasional scalding Airbnb review.

Oh, those are all things I'd like to be

when I grow up and leave Springfield.

Oh, my God, that's your hometown?

Hi, I'm Katya.

I actually rent there to take photographs

for my prize-winning show Freaks of the 'Field.

Look at these and react to them.

I can't watch.

[Lisa] Oh. Oh...

Eh.

I won a lot of prizes for these.

Isn't that weird?

No, I think they're great.

That's what everyone says.

It's so crazy.

[coughs]

Oh, this is my husband Lars.

He's a brilliant painter.

[grumbling]

♪

Oh, wow. Somehow I sense

you're craving love and connection

in an uncaring world.

And also an extra-large cookie.

Mm-hmm.

Lisa, for a little girl in a lampshade dress,

you seem very sophisticated.

Really? Well, I try.

I mean, I don't try.

It's effortless. [chuckles]

Oh, my God, I just had the kind of amazing idea

that everyone thinks is stupid but then I'm totally right.

You should come to our party tonight.

It's in our loft, north of Hobart Street,

south of Gordon Avenue,

and below the Joseph Torrance Expressway.

NoHoSoGoBloJoTo?

That's the coolest, most artistic neighborhood in town.

-[gasps] Can we go? -Oh, no, kid.

We're gonna take you to something you're gonna love.

Eh?

[through teeth] Thanks, Aunt Selma.

You know me so well.

Well, if you change your minds,

we'll be around for a little longer,

sneering at Midwestern tourists.

-[groaning] -Barf.

Maybe we could go to their party after the musical.

Juice-ical. [gags]

-A-Are you okay? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a little indigestion. We'll be fine.

[both retching]

[Patty] I knew there was something off

about that menthol swordfish.

[retching continues]

[sighs]

[man on TV] Me encanta Ciudad Capita--

-[turns off TV] -[retching continues]

Out of our way, kid.

We got to either sleep or die,

and we don't care which one.

[both snoring]

-[phone chimes] -Hmm?

Hmm.

Oh, yes. By all means,

take a picture with that off-brand Pikachu.

What a precious keepsake that will be.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

My aunts are feeling a little under the weather,

so they said I should hang out with you.

They said a small child should spend the night

exploring the bohemian demimonde

with a bunch of effete gadabouts?

That's what they said.

Hmm.

["Bull in the Heather" by Sonic Youth playing]

So, Lisa, what do you think, Lisa?

I think I'm home.

This place is a dream.

Everyone's so cool,

and the art is all

nonrepresentational.

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Lars, that is so brilliant.

I seriously wish I'd married someone else

so I could cheat on my husband with you.

Now let's get everything to the gallery.

What, now?

Yup. Our group show opens tomorrow

at the Museum of Loft-Based Transgressive Progressivism,

so we have to get all our work there tonight.

Okay, everyone, grab a canvas,

sculpture or performance artist.

Uh-ho! Whoa!

Hey, can I get a little help, please,

from The Inhuman Capotes?

Writers are liars who tell the truth for money.

But I'm asking if you're helping us move.

If you're gonna stab me in my back,

do it to my face.

[groans]

Don't mind him, he's the worst.

We used to be a throuple.

He was incredible. I wish he was dead.

You need one of these.

Hmm.

["Bull in the Heather" by Sonic Youth playing]

Lisa, you're a dear and a doll,

and you carried Kool-Aid Jesus without spilling a drop.

Oh, my God, it's so late.

I really should get back to Patty and Selma.

But, darling, the night is just beginning.

This is your moment.

And we have tickets to see an avant-garde play

that starts at 1:00 a.m.

Well, I would hate to wake up my aunties.

[both snoring]

[Lisa] God, I love art. And I love this city.

Punks, poets, madmen, monologists.

[gasps]

Superintendent Chalmers?

Sweet vermouth in a snifter.

Lisa Simpson.

Hey, Gary. Hurry up here with them Reuben sammies.

You and me got a long night of doinking ahead of us.

Uh, we're putting on a staff excursion, and, uh...

Of course.

-Continuing education is, uh... -No need to explain.

-[stammers] -Makes perfect sense.

...a life-long learning endeavor.

Oh, that's interesting.

[Julian] Lisa,

we're running late.

Stop talking to that balding stallion.

[laughs] I don't know about stallion, but...

Yes.

[gasping]

This is so moving.

That poor man has been transformed into a cockroach.

And there's his unfeeling father.

-[speaking German] -[shouting]

[wailing]

Leave him alone!

[crowd gasps]

Who just interrupted my play?

How dare you desecrate the hallowed boards

of this converted rooster-fighting arena?

Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Tracy Letts?

You wrote this?

And I play the enormous shoe

that steps on the cockroach in act three.

It's a loafer with a backstory.

Not that they'll ever get to see it now!

-I'm sorry I-- -Interrupted?

Young lady, this play has run for over a year,

and you're the very first person to interfere

and save the cockroach,

proving you're one of the most sensitive

and artistically attuned people

I've ever met.

Give her a round of applause.

My two Tony Awards command you!

[cheering and applause]

This kid is incredible.

She gives me hope for the next generation

of self-important know-it-alls.

Oh. [laughs]

Yes, she's truly a special young person,

just brimming with precocity.

In fact, I was thinking she might be a good fit

for the Horace Frick Academy.

HFA? [gasps]

That's the school I would never dream of

letting myself hope that I could aspire

to imagine going there.

Well, Lisa, I'm on the board of trustees.

Go Fighting Tote Bags!

And I think I might just be able to guarantee you a place.

When would I start?

Next month.

And what does it cost?

$84,000 a year.

But how would I ever pay for that?

Not my problem!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I just thought

of an awesome play, and I have to go

scream it into my phone.

Curtain rises on Dave & Buster's.

Everyone is dead.

Oh, I would love to attend that school.

But my mom and dad don't have that kind of money.

Oh, that's so terrible.

Wait just a moment.

I know a wealthy benefactress

who might be able to help you.

Lacey Van Aster.

She's a little eccentric.

But something tells me she'd adore you,

just like we adore you.

I misread this.

To the forbidden zone.

The Upper East Side.

["Bull in the Heather" by Sonic Youth playing]

It's really late.

Are you sure she's up?

Oh, yes, she's a well-known night owl.

And a bit of a speed freak.

Vroom, vroom.

Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt,

Eleanor Roosevelt.

Oh, every one of them I seduced.

And destroyed.

Lacey, darling, we always enjoy your delightful stories,

but we'd like to discuss your scholarship fund

for children from, how shall we say,

tragic cultural wastelands.

Yes, my lucrative bursary.

But first there is an extensive interview process.

All right, then, first of all, how are you, dear?

I'm okay.

The scholarship is yours.

-Huzzah! -Yay!

Hip-hip-hoorah!

Good night, Lisa.

I've only known you for a day,

but I can tell that you're an artist at heart.

Thank you, Katya.

I can't believe I'll be going to school in Capital City.

And then from there I'll become a critically acclaimed writer,

an artist, and member of the cognoscenti.

Cognoscenti.

[both] Cognoscenti, cognoscenti,

cognoscenti!

[laughs]

It's all in front of me.

Someday I'll be in that photograph.

[yawns]

Wait a second.

Why are they posing with Martin Prince?!

[Julian] Therein lies a tale, Lisa.

-[Lisa gasps] -Every year self-impressed little bookworms like you

and Martin Prince come to the big city,

where we convince them that they could one day be one of us

just by attending Horace Frick Academy.

But there's just one problem, my little swannabe.

Nobody you've met tonight has any connection to that school.

What? Not even Tracy Letts?

Especially Tracy Letts.

Behind these supporting actor good looks,

I'm a world-class fraud.

You were naive enough to believe

that you could get into that school.

And that Roosevelt-doinking crone Mrs. Van Aster

was naive enough to make out the tuition check to us.

And you fell for it hook, Letts and sinker.

[laughs]

You eight-year-old fool.

But why do you need to steal money?

I thought you all supported yourselves by making art.

[all laughing]

It is to laugh.

Oh, this is awful.

I'm gonna report you to the Capital City Police.

Ha! I'm sure they'll take the word of an infamous art thief.

There you are.

But I was helping to move that art.

I wasn't stealing it.

Oh, I know you're innocent.

But this damning footage has already gone out

to the entire artistic community of Capital City.

And it's not a good look.

The only thing an artist hates more

than an art thief is themselves.

[all laughing]

No!

-Yoink! -[gasps]

Our ill-gotten gains!

♪

[crowd clamoring]

God, they got this show together so fast.

[crowd clamoring]

[whimpering]

[tires screech]

Please answer.

[man on TV] I knew just one thing.

We were not going to lose the ringtone wars.

And that's when I came up with this.

["By the Seaside" ringtone playing]

-Whoa! -Whoa!

Check it out, it's almost 5:00 in the morning.

We've almost watched this entire 12-hour documentary

about the history of ringtones.

Best 12 hours ever! [grunts]

[groans]

[grunts] Superintendent Chalmers?

Now you're here?

No... [stammers]

In the interest of, uh, of fumfering, I, um... [chuckles]

Gary, doinking.

Look, Lisa, sometimes when grown-ups get bored,

they start playing pickleball

or they learn to make sourdough bread

or they book two different romantic getaways

with two different women who don't know about each other.

-It's-it's a very common thing. -[footfalls approaching]

Mr. Chalmers, would you please, please help me hide?

Just for a little while?

Oh, I'd love nothing more, but, um...

And I would love not to tell the school board

about your extracurricular activities.

[groans] This has been the worst night of my life!

I came to Capital City because I wanted to get away

from the dead-eyed ding-dongs in Springfield.

No offense.

And then these horrible people

came in my room and told me--

Gary, you son of a bitch, I'll kill you!

[all shout]

[hardcore punk playing]

[both grunting]

♪ I make decisions with precision, lost inside... ♪

-[both scream] -Settle, settle.

Dora, can we just talk about this?

No, we can't!

[chuckles] Okay, then.

♪ In this world we all must pay, pay to write, pay to play... ♪

[horn honks]

♪ Not long ago, when things were slow, we all got by... ♪

-Ooh! Ooh! -[horn honks]

Superintendent Chalmers!

There's that pilfering little urchin.

[whimpering]

[Cockroach Gregor Samsa] Wait up, guys!

[panting]

[gasps]

[sighs wearily]

It's never been more past my bedtime.

I'm too tired to run anymore.

[gasps]

Desperate times call for high-fructose corn syrup.

She drank the juice.

A mother knows.

[Lisa] Hey, art jerks!

Your work is derivative,

and you're all old!

[all gasp]

[grunts]

Oh, it's the Fearless Girl statue.

Goldman Sachs?

Ew.

I hate this city!

[grunts]

These are balloons from the Highbrow Artists Parade.

[gasps] That's today.

They are relentless.

Thank God for this balloon.

Aah!

-Joan Didion? -[Julian laughs]

How ironic, you're clinging to Joan Didion,

but you're clearly John Gregory Donne.

[laughs]

I hate that I get that.

But you'll never get this.

[all gasp]

She ripped up the check.

Well, then do something about it,

you second-rate Cindy Sherman!

[whimpering]

-[Katya grunts] -What the hell are you doing?

If there was a gun in the first act,

I would shoot you right now.

I'm setting her free.

Goodbye, Lisa!

Never forget the essence of being an artist.

Having rich parents.

You can still resent them horribly,

just take their money!

It is easy to see the beginnings of things

and harder to see the ends.

I can remember now with a clarity

that makes the nerves in the back of my neck constrict

when the city began for me,

but I cannot lay my finger upon the moment it ended.

Can never cut through the ambiguities

and second starts and broken resolves

to the exact place on the page where the heroine is

no longer as optimistic as she once was.

How are you talking to me?

You haven't slept in 24 hours.

Hmm, makes sense.

-[loud pop] -[air hissing]

Lisa.

Superintendent.

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Good morning, today we'll be reading

from The Firecracker Who Didn't Want to Go Boom.

[students] "'I like quiet things!' said the firecracker.

'Why does everything in the world have to be so loud?'"

[Lisa sighs]

"'Things like sirens and jackhammers

and tugboat whistles and big brass drums!'"

["Bull in the Heather" by Sonic Youth playing]

♪ Bettin' on the bull in the heather. ♪

Shh!