Original subtitles

Calvin.

Calvin.

I was watching that.

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

I think I hear the baby crying.

The baby in the house next door?

Yes. What if Daphne is crying?

You know, Marty and Courtney, they don't know what to do.

- They're new parents. - Okay, babe,

look, they'll figure it out.

I know you loved having that baby over here the first night,

but her place is with her parents.

- Come on now. Come on. - Okay, fine.

I know I'm not crazy.

I know I heard the baby crying.

You ain't heard nothing crying from all the way over here.

Where did you leave her pacifier?

Shh. I don't want to wake Malcolm up.

Oh, good, you're already up.

Technically, I am still up.

I never fell asleep.

Is something on your mind, Malcolm?

Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm concerned about plastic straws.

Oh, they're making them out of pasta now.

I don't give a damn about them straws.

Look, it is impossible to get any sleep around here.

No offense. I love my niece,

but she has got our mama's lungs.

You not even gonna wipe that off?

Why?

Hey, Marty, how about you trade

and let Malcolm sleep out here?

I'm sure it's quieter than being next door to Daphne.

I can hear everything through those thin walls.

Daphne crying, Courtney pumping,

Marty crying.

I'm just so tired.

Where you going?

I just remembered. I need some kumquats.

Nobody "needs" kumquats,

especially not at 2:00 in the morning.

I got a craving for kumquat marmalade.

Are you gonna tell me that I don't need marmalade?

Babe, this is literally the first time in my life

I ever heard you say the word "marmalade."

And you only going to that kumquat tree

because it's next to Marty's kitchen window.

You're spying.

Okay, well, I'm going over there.

- Don't you go over there. - I'm going over there.

Don't you go over there.

She going over there.

What's up, party people?

Let's freakin' go.

I haven't slept in two days.

There is no party, and I'm not freakin' going anywhere.

Uh-oh. Baby?

Baby. Up crying half the night.

Hey, man, I'm exhausted, too,

and you don't hear me complaining.

Well, you don't get to complain. It's your baby.

You know, if you want,

I could come over and handle the overnight feedings,

and then give her some breakfast,

have a quick bath, take her for a walk,

have some lunch, a nap, and then, uh,

have her back in time for dinner.

Mama, we really appreciate everything that you've done,

but we got it.

Anyway, I hate to run, but I have got a date

with a little lady who

wants to throw up in my mouth.

I am so tired, and I have a midterm tomorrow.

You know what?

I'm-a get a room at the Marengo Suites.

Hmm.

That's smart thinking,

'cause nobody is getting any sleep around here

until that baby gets some sleep.

Wait, Gemma.

I have a solution.

- The magic blue chair. - The magic blue chair.

Let's freakin' go.

Uh, what-what's the magic blue chair?

Oh, it's this super snuggly vibrating chair

that no baby can resist.

Sounds great. Where is it?

Ooh, it's in my attic. Calvin... I'm telling you,

Grover used to sleep 21 hours a day in this thing.

Hearing that out loud, that probably wasn't good.

Let's freakin' go.

You know what?

Y'all go ahead.

Found it.

Ooh. Maybe before we give it to them,

we should peel the 14-year-old Cheerios off it first.

Hey, Gem, look at this.

It's a bunch of old lists I made.

"Rockin' Band Names."

"Top Ten Dogs."

- Ooh. "Things to Do Before I'm 40." - Huh.

"Ride a camel."

"Scale the Sears Tower."

Man, I haven't done any of these things.

"Meet Mr. T."

"Franchise a Boston Market."

"Learn Japanese 'the hard way.'"

What does that even mean?

Well, I don't remember.

But I haven't done it.

I mean, I haven't done any of these things.

"Party like a rock star."

"See five geysers."

Come on, how many geysers are there?

Gemma, this is awful.

I'm over 40,

and what have I accomplished? Nothing.

Hello, you have a wife and a child.

Come on, everyone has those, big whoop.

Okay. Okay, wait, look at number 11.

"Leave Kalamazoo, move to a big city." You did that.

Yeah, because you got this great job here.

Slept my way into that.

Yes, hello, room service.

Do I need to have a child to order off the kids' menu?

I understand.

Then my son will be having the dino nuggets,

the mac and cheese, and your finest IPA.

What the hell?

Did you go and steal that baby?

What? No. I'm not crazy.

I just hid a baby monitor in a stuffed animal

in Daphne's nursery.

Now I can be sure to hear if my baby needs help.

Tina, you the one that need help.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

You hear that? She needs to burp.

Okay, you know what? This has gone too far.

Do you realize that you are already over there,

all day every day?

And now I don't have to be.

Burp. There it is. I told you.

That's it. That's it.

I'm not gonna be a part of this.

Well, where you going? I don't know,

but you need to be stormed out on.

Set my alarm for 8:00 a.m.

Mm-hmm.

Before I forget...

Mm.

Oh, God, no.

Your mother is driving me crazy.

You know... Ooh. This a good idea.

I do not want to be disturbed.

What side the bed you want?

Mm. Parking lot view, but it'll do.

Yes, it'll do, for me. Pop, look, why are you here?

You know I love your mama, right?

But I need me some alone time.

Ooh, uh, you gonna finish these dino nuggets?

I was planning to.

Never mind.

You got honey mustard.

I raised you better than that. We ketchup people.

Now, this bed does look comfy. I haven't slept in days.

Man. Ooh.

Oh.

Th-This is my bed, Pop.

We in a hotel, man. You can get your own.

And pay for two rooms?

Boy, I raised you better than that now.

Listen, if that's room service,

see if they got some ketchup for the dino nuggets.

Get your own ketchup, man.

Oh, good, Malcolm, it's you. Oh, my God.

Ugh.

All right. I found him!

Yeah, sorry about all that.

Lovely meeting all of you.

Why are you here?

Aw, man. I forgot to turn off my ringer.

Then I got a Scrabble alert, and that woke up the baby.

She started screaming, then Courtney started screaming,

then she said, "I'm counting to three."

I was in the car by two.

Boy, that is a good move, 'cause trust me,

you do not want to see three.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This ain't your room.

Uh, Pop, this ain't your room.

But I'm already in the bed.

- Hey, Courtney. - Hey.

Yeah, some of your mail

was accidentally delivered to my house.

I just wanted to make sure you got it.

It's addressed to "current resident."

Yeah, that's you.

Oh, my little gumdrop.

Are you sure she should be moving that fast?

Oh, she's fine. You know, studies show

a consistent lateral gliding motion

increases the number of sleep-related brain oscillators,

and you stopped listening, didn't you?

You know, I'm just gonna, uh,

turn this thing down to "slow."

Well, that's not slow, that's unplugged.

Yeah, that works, too.

Oh, I know. I know.

Yes, your mama Tina

just saved you from that terrible machine.

Oh, yes,

she did.

Malcolm, hey, before I hop in,

are you taking the shower cap?

The one you're wearing, Marty?

No, you can keep it.

God, does anybody know what "do not disturb" means?

Okay. Good, you're all here.

You can ignore the group text.

- Uh, we did. - I already did.

- I blocked you. - I blocked you.

All right, now, I need you to be honest with me.

This is not helpful if you're not honest.

Have I wasted my life?

Wasted?

Dave, you have a wife and child.

Gosh, you sound just like Gemma.

Look. Look at this.

I made this list 20 years ago.

All of my life goals.

Oh, damn, he's about to read it.

I am 42 years old,

and I have only seen two geysers,

one of which was Old Faithful, and that's just a gimme.

Well, Dave, you know what they say.

You can't compare yourself to people

who've seen more geysers than you.

Oh.

If only it was just the geysers.

I've never ridden in a sidecar,

I never got my Frasier reboot off the ground

and I have never once partied like a rock star.

I think they did a Frasier reboot.

I know,

and it was magnificent.

All right, you know what?

Dave, calm down,

you're bringing down the vibe in my hotel room.

It is not

your hotel room.

Wait a minute.

What do you got in that mini fridge?

Ain't no ketchup.

Okay, all right.

Two Amstel Lights and a mini chardonnay.

Tonight, I'm partying like a rock star.

This hotel room is getting trashed.

Oh. Okay, okay.

Uh, they have my credit card on file.

Let's not get crazy, Dave.

That's exactly what we are going to do.

Get crazy.

Marty, crank the clock radio to Jack FM.

I'm not gonna do that.

Okay, fine. One of you guys

pop that chardonnay.

I'm gonna throw the TV out the window.

Again, again,

my card is on file.

It's about to get lit in here, man.

We're doing this thing right!

It's really... They screwed it all the way into the wall.

All right, okay, look, look.

If we're really gonna turn this thing into a party,

let's just get some glasses,

we'll get the ice filled up,

let's get the thing rolling, okay?

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

This tiny chardonnay must be really good

because it is $30.

Okay, all right.

I'm going to my car.

I'm getting my Scattergories.

Uh, no, no, no. You know what?

You go to your car and leave.

All of you, right now.

You know what? That's right, Malcolm.

Everybody get on out of here. Go, now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You, too, Pop.

Everybody got to go. Right now. Out.

- Me? - Yeah, you.

Ain't no ketchup in here, man.

Hey, Marty, I'm sorry I snapped at you before.

Ooh, you'd better be.

You were way out of line.

I just lost it.

Yeah, giving my son the countdown.

That's my move.

You know, I got to admit,

I'm so tired, I don't even remember

what we were fighting about.

Well, anyway, your mother stopped by.

She's so sweet. Aw.

But, boy, she can be a lot.

What?

She came up with excuses just to show up here

five times today.

Uh... Oh...

To take that baby out of that

oscillating death saucer? My bad.

Okay, now that's my mother you're talking about.

That's right, you tell her, Marty.

And if I know my mother, she definitely came here

more than five times.

I mean, that woman is incapable of staying in her lane.

Watch your mouth, Marty.

I've been a little scared to handle Daphne

alone in my apartment, but...

I think it's time.

Your apartment?

Well... But that's all the way across town. No.

That's out of my range.

Gemma, I'm telling you,

David Lee Roth couldn't get that TV off the wall.

Dave, listen to yourself.

And I'm not talking about now David Lee Roth,

I'm talking about "Hot for Teacher" David Lee Roth.

Dave, stop.

Why did you even want all these things?

I don't know.

Look, I was young,

and everything seemed possible.

And now it's too late.

Too late? For what?

The kid who wrote this list

thought 40 was old.

But it's not. You're just beginning.

Come on.

Think about where Marty and Courtney are.

With a newborn?

Their next 13, 14 years, they're screwed.

But Grover's in eighth grade.

He went to the mall tonight with some friends,

then they're sleeping at Dexter's.

We are going to be freer

- than we've been in years. - Okay.

To do what?

Anything we want.

I mean, we can start being stupid again.

Let's just pick one

and set it for this weekend.

Number eight, swimming with sharks, boom.

Really?

They do shark-diving trips off Catalina.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, we could do that.

We could definitely do that.

Although, you know, the water is pretty cold

this time of year. Yeah.

Okay, number nine, then.

Run with the bulls in Pamplona.

We've been saving for a trip, we could do that.

Yeah. When I wrote this list,

I didn't know how mean they were to the bulls.

Number ten.

Eat every part of a cow.

Yes, I can do that.

I mean, over time. Not in one sitting.

No, of course not.

How about this weekend,

we go out for burgers?

- And not just any burgers. - No?

- Smash burgers. - Ooh.

Number ten, I'm coming for you.

Mark-mark... mark it off.

Who knows, maybe we'll even see Mr. T.

Come on, Mr. T!

Hey, babe. I'm back.

You were gone?

See, that's exactly it.

You're so obsessed with that baby monitor,

you didn't even notice I was gone.

How could I notice?

Daphne's moving back to Courtney's place.

Who told you that?

Marty and Courtney.

Well, what did you say?

Well, they didn't tell me personally.

I heard it on the baby monitor.

You know that's messed up, right?

No, no, no. You know what's messed up?

They said that I was a lot.

Well, you definitely not a little.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

You agree with them?

Okay. Say what you got to say.

Okay, here's the thing, Tina.

Your feelings wouldn't even be hurt

if you weren't listening in

to other people's private conversations.

Marty and Courtney are not "other people."

And they don't know what they're doing with my baby.

Okay.

And, see, that's the other thing.

She is not your baby.

You know who you're starting to sound like?

- Don't you say it. - I'm gonna say it.

- Don't you say it. - I'm gonna say it.

- Don't you say it. - I've got to say it.

- My mother! - Damn it, you said it.

I had to say it, Tina.

It had to be said.

You remember when my mama used to re-diaper Malcolm?

Huh?

It made you mad, didn't it?

No.

It was helpful.

Tina...

I hated it.

You know,

I had just made the perfect diaper,

and she was always saying, "Oh, that's too loose, Tina.

"Oh, that's not enough powder, Tina.

Oh, that's not a diaper, Tina. That's a washcloth."

I mean, it happened one time.

I was exhausted!

Well, you're doing the same thing to Courtney.

You're right.

What? Ooh, uh...

I need to get that on my phone.

You-you said I'm right.

Say it again, one more time, say I'm right.

Just repeat right here

into the camera. I'm right.

Say it. "I'm right."

Say...

Would your mama say it again?

Your sugar must be low.

I'm gonna get you a cookie.

So, tonight, you're sleeping at Mommy's,

but Daddy will see you tomorrow morning.

Hello?

Mom?

Since when do you knock?

People can change. I respect your privacy.

Okay.

We need to tell you something.

Ooh, before you do, I just wanted to let you know

that I do realize, at some point,

you're going to want to take Daphne back to your place.

Well... Um...

And that's okay.

That's okay. I just wanted to let you know

that when you do come back here,

I promise to work on

staying out of your space,

'cause I know I can be a lot.

You? What? That's crazy.

Who said that?

But I will always be there

for you two and Daphne,

whenever you need me.

But only when you need me.

So don't be scared to say when you need me,

- because when you need me... - Okay, Mommy? Mommy.

I need you to stop.

But thank you, Mrs. B.

I will definitely need you.

Courtney, you're a good mom.

Really?

No...

No, I know that you are,

I just didn't think that she did.

Well, I will leave you to it.

I just want to take this adorable cow

as a keepsake for my baby Daphne.

Okay, bye, y'all. See you later.

It's almost like she heard

what we were talking about last night.

That cow was definitely wearing a wire.

I swear, that bear's eye

looks like a camera lens.

Yeah, I don't like the look of this duck, either.

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