Original subtitles

_

All right, Grover. Great job.

Yeah. Anytime, Dad.

Ah.

Really?

"Great job"?

It says, "It's a gril."

I know what it says,

but Grover's been applying to high schools,

and it's been stressful.

I'm trying to keep things positive.

Well, maybe, if he can't spell "girl,"

he might want to do another year in middle school.

_

Calvin.

Marty just called.

Courtney and the baby have been discharged from the hospital.

They're on their way.

Aw.

Remember that feeling?

Bringing our baby home for the first time?

Oh, that was heaven.

- Where are the instructions? - I read the instr...

- Oh, wait. Was there instructions? - Are you sure

- you're following the instructions? - I wasn't sure. I didn't see them before.

No, I read... please stop yelling at me.

But it's still wiggly.

Okay, it's not wiggling. It's as tight as I can get...

- It's cutting into the vegan leather. - Look.

It's wiggling.

Yeah, if you yank on it like that, Thor.

Yep.

They're never gonna be happier than they are right now.

Tina.

I found some of Grover's old bibs and burp cloths.

They're so cute. Look at this. "Spit happens."

Yeah, I'm-a throw away all this spit.

Feels like she could've waited five minutes

till I walked away, but whatevs.

Ah, Gemma, you remember this day?

Coming home with a perfect little baby?

Yeah.

And now he's a teenager.

We get side hugs.

And he calls us "bruh."

I just hope Marty and Courtney appreciate

these precious moments.

Marty, slow down.

Well, I'm going ten miles an hour.

Baby on board!

Hey. She stopped crying.

Oh, good.

Wait, no, i-is she okay?

I-I don't know. Maybe she fainted.

You're driving like a maniac.

I'm going ten!

She's okay. She's crying again.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, yo, there is a baby on board!

Hey, hey, guys, guys?

I-I think I see Marty's car.

Ooh!

Is it parked?

Um, I think it's moving.

Guys, he's got a baby on board.

You know, I hope he has one of those signs.

Well, we'll know in about half an hour.

You know, I could just walk down there and get the baby.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I can't wait to hold that baby.

Wait, wait, wait, here you go.

Oh, it's okay. I just washed my hands.

I didn't see it.

Oh, there's my baby!

- No, not you. Move! - Oh... oh!

Give me my baby.

Sorry, Mrs. B, she's a little fussy.

Oh, come here, come here.

All she needs is her pop-pop.

That's all. That's all, yeah.

Go-go on, now. We good.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Oh, you like your uncle now.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

She's happy now.

Time for some grandma snuggles.

Here you go, Grandma.

You know what? I-I must have squeezed her too hard.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. B. It's okay. - Yeah.

Oh, okay. Come on. Come to...

Oh, no, no, no, Daphne.

It's okay. It's me. Mama Tina.

I-It's probably just too much excitement, Mom.

It's not you.

You know what?

- She's probably just hungry. - Yeah.

Oh, hungry. Yeah, feed that baby.

Why would you hand me a hungry baby?

I mean...

- Uh-oh. Dinnertime. - Oh, we're doing this right here.

Ooh.

Ah, you had the stucco removed during the remodel, huh?

Yeah, see that...

Guys, grow up.

Breastfeeding is a beautiful, natural thing.

Oh, of course. That-that goes without saying.

That's...

Is she still doing it?

Okay. So, help me out here. Given that we're not a couple,

uh, am I being supportive by looking or not looking?

It's not like you haven't seen them.

Right, right, but that-that was that one time,

when, you know, we made her.

It's fine. You're the father. You can look.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, I'm not gonna look.

- Yeah, please don't. - I'm not gonna look.

Ooh, whoa, uh...

- Dad? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can... let's talk way over here, please.

Uh, Marty,

- so the two superchargers came in. - Yeah.

And tomorrow, I'm-a need you to come in and check them

to make sure we got enough megatrons to run them.

Okay, Dad, um...

Megatron is the bad guy from Transformers.

Do you mean "megawatts"?

Yeah, him, too.

Look, uh, Marty, you know this tech stuff

is out of my wheelhouse.

All right? But we got to be ready.

We just signed a deal

to service all of the electric vehicles for the gas company.

Okay, well, I mean, tell Stefan to take the lead on that.

Stefan?

That's the kid with the big holes in his earlobes?

Yeah.

Clearly, he makes bad decisions.

No. No, I-I need you. I need regular earlobes.

Okay, but-but, Dad, I'm not gonna be in the office.

I'm taking my paternity leave.

Taking it?

Who's giving it?

We are. It's... It's Fusebox policy.

No, no, no. I didn't agree to that.

Dad, it's in our 60-page onboarding handbook.

- You signed it. - I may have signed it,

but I definitely didn't read it.

You didn't read my handbook?

Dave, you didn't tell me anything

about a paternity leave in the handbook.

Don't you mean, "Thanks, Dave,

"for using your years of HR experience

to write a free 60-page handbook"?

All I know is, in my day, we didn't have paternity leave.

Your mother gave birth to you in the morning

and I was back to work before noon.

And you know how I knew that?

Because I got a egg and cheese biscuit on the way.

Okay, okay, okay. Give me that happy baby.

Okay.

Come on, come on.

Oh, no, no, no, Daphne.

Remember? We love each other.

What?

You know newborns. She's probably just gassy.

Gassy.

Now, why would you hand me a gassy baby?

Calvin, you got to go to the drugstore right now

and get some gripe water.

What's gripe water?

Uh, they'll know at the drugstore.

Okay, well, what's it for?

Well, by the time you finish asking me questions,

you could've been back already.

Go!

Sound like you the one need some gripe water.

Dave? Come on.

- Are you hungry again? - Oh, my God.

Well, the good news is there is such thing as gripe water.

The bad news is that it's locked up like a fifth of Jim Beam.

Look, okay, Calvin, it's not that hard.

Look, there's a little "get help" button right here.

Associate needed in the gas relief aisle.

Uh, uh, no, no. It's for a baby.

Baby gas. I'm-I'm not gassy at all.

Why are you so grouchy?

Are you gassy?

No.

Look, it's just a very busy time at the Fusebox.

And all the extra work is laying on me

because of this paternity leave nonsense.

Nonsense? I took three months off with Grover.

Why? Gemma was there.

What the hell were you doing?

Bonding. Singing. Skin-to-skin.

Skin-to-skin?

Yes. Skin-to-skin.

Look, I would take my shirt off and I would just hold Grover.

Skin-to-skin contact is the reason

he and I are so close to this day.

Well, I kept my shirt on. And you know why?

Because I was at work.

Okay.

Now let me hold this sweet baby.

Yes.

Oh...

But... But...

Oh...

Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I know what's going on here.

The poor little thing is having a reaction

to these cheap diapers that Gemma bought!

You can insult me all you want

as long as I get to hold this baby.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call Calvin.

I'll have him get the good ones while he's at the drugstore.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, we need hypoallergenic diapers stat.

You got to go to the drugstore.

I just got back.

He's just embarrassed because they thought he had gas.

Well, Gemma bought cheap diapers.

Keep 'em coming. I'm in heaven.

And the baby won't stop crying.

But the baby's not crying.

Well, she's about to cry again.

Look, you got to go to the drugstore.

Go on, now.

Hey, Dad, uh, I'm putting the bassinet together.

Can you lend me your drill? And show me how to use it?

And just do it for me?

Hey, hey, hey. No, no and no.

Your father's going to get diapers now.

Are you trying to make it so I can never take my baby to my house?

If that's the way things have to be, then so be it.

Hey. Hey, you know what?

Uh, Marty, about this whole paternity leave thing,

listen, I get it now.

Dave made some good points.

Oh.

Uh, did I? Which ones?

Mm. I'll be quiet.

Yeah, and, uh, you know what? I get it now.

Oh. You do?

I do.

A-Also, take your shirt off when you give her the bottle.

Oh, right, for skin-to-skin.

No, no, no, no. No, not that one.

Look, but really, go ahead, take you some time off.

Hell, you know what?

You can have the whole week off if you want.

Dad, I'm entitled to eight weeks.

Eight weeks? Eight weeks to do what?

What you gonna be doing in eight weeks?

What the hell you gonna do...

- H-Hello? - Diapers!

Associate needed in the incontinence aisle.

It's for a baby, sir.

A baby.

A-And eight weeks for paternity leave? For what?

Well, to bond.

Dads don't bond that early.

We don't nurse. That's a fact.

Well, actually, I nursed Grover.

Yeah, I wore an apparatus that simulated a breast.

Okay, okay. Dave, you...

I don't need to hear any more of your bonding stories.

You were no more bond-ier than I was with my boys.

Okay, you know what?

I bet I still have that old daddy nurser at home in the attic.

- I'm gonna go get it. - No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want it! I don't want it!

I don't... No, not you, sir.

No, come back. Come back.

I need that little key!

Just wish I could make Calvin understand

why paternity leave is so important.

You know, bonding is the manliest thing a man can do.

Good God!

You remember this?

I do. I spent 14 years trying to forget it.

Ah, okay. You know what?

Me going the extra mile to bond with my son really paid off.

And Marty is gonna regret it

if he and Daphne don't have the same great memories

that Grover and I have.

Good God!

Hey, uh, why do you have all that baby stuff out?

Ah, it's for Marty.

But you know it reminded me of all the great times

that you and I had when you were tiny.

Remember how I used to read you that book

about the angry little bulldozer and you would imitate him,

like: "Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom."

Nope.

What? Ah, you were pretty young back then.

You remember when I took you to Safari Selina on Ice?

I do not.

Really?

Wh-What about the Michigan State Fair?

Cows, pigs, cotton candy?

Mm, no.

- Avalanche Bay Waterpark? - No.

- Jumpy Town? The petting zoo? - No. No.

- Gymboree? - No.

- Build-A-Bear? - No.

- The Wiggles? - Nada.

Are you sure I was there?

Yes, I'm sure you were there!

I bought those Wiggles tickets off a scalper

in a very sketchy parking lot.

For five times face value. And you don't remember it?

Oh, oh! Oh, yeah.

Yeah, The Wiggles.

I remem... They-they-they sang.

And wiggled.

All right, I got the diapers.

- Oh, damn. - Oh, damn.

Does that baby ever stop eating?

Tell me about it.

Oh, speaking of which,

the next time you're at the store,

can you get me some nipple cream?

Is that a real thing?

Oh, yeah.

These bad boys take a beating.

Okay, you know what?

I just spent $75 on 12 diapers.

I'm-a let the baby's daddy get the nipple cream.

Oh, come on.

You all did this with your moms.

Oh, that's nasty.

- Good morning, baby. You hungry? - No!

Hey, uh, where's your brother?

He at home, watching a YouTube video

on how to assemble a Diaper Genie.

L-Let me ask you something.

We're close, right?

Even though I worked a lot when you were little?

Is, uh, something bothering you, Pop?

Well, Dave says that bonding starts

when the baby is born.

Well, I didn't take a paternity leave.

I went right back to work.

And the truth is, he's got me worrying

that I didn't bond with you boys.

No, no, w-we did all types of stuff together, man.

I-I remember, when we were little,

you would take us to the drive-in movies.

That was fun.

Yeah, yeah. You used to make us lay down in the backseat

so you didn't have to pay for us.

But-but, hey, that-that made it exciting.

Yep, that's why I did it.

And remember you used to get us up

at the crack of dawn on Saturdays

and put Pit Stop coupons on everybody's windshields?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So those were your teenage years.

That's when you start to form a work ethic, you know?

I was in the second grade.

Marty was four.

Oh.

Okay, yeah, well, that was a little young.

Okay, yeah, but-but it did,

you know, it did build some character.

I mean, you always said,

"Kickball don't keep the lights on."

Yeah, that sound like me.

Aw.

Look at my happy girl.

Ooh. That was a good burp.

Okay, all right now.

- Okay. - Come on to Grandma.

There we go.

Oh. Come on.

Why do you hate me?

I love you.

I don't know what it is, Mrs. B.

Maybe you're giving "pick me" energy.

What kind of energy am I giving, now?

I don't know, but I'm giving "I apologize" energy, so...

Well, I mean, she was fine until I touched her bottom.

It could be diaper rash.

It sure could be.

Well, why would you hand me a rashy-ass baby?

She needs ointment. Calvin!

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.

I'm going. I'm going, I'm going.

I might as well get a job at the store at this point.

Dave! Let's go!

Associate needed in the fungal ointment aisle.

Yeah, that's right, it's fungus this time.

I'm more mushroom than I am man at this point.

- Now, this man is basically shiitake! - Hey.

Dave, calm down, okay? Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.

Grover doesn't remember any of the things that we bonded over.

Have you ever seen Safari Selina on Ice?

♪ When you're looking at something far away ♪

♪ There's only one thing that you've got to say ♪

♪ Telescope, telescope, telescope, hooray! ♪

You know how long that song was?

Eight minutes. You know many other verses there were?

None!

Okay, so what is your point?

My point is, I've suffered.

And for what?

He doesn't even remember any of it.

Well, unfortunately, my boys do remember.

Malcolm remembers me breaking child labor laws

when he was seven.

Calvin, you don't need to make up horrible stories

just to make me feel better.

Look, I've always been a workaholic.

I-I just don't want Marty to be like me.

Okay, look, well, you probably don't want to hear this,

but it's never too late for...

- skin-to-skin. - Don't you say it. Don't you say skin-to-skin.

Don't you say skin-to-skin!

All right, Calvin, give me a buzz

when it's time to go back to the drugstore.

Don't take your shoes off.

♪ If you're looking at something far away ♪

♪ There's only one thing you've got to say ♪

♪ Telescope, telescope, telescope... ♪

♪ Hooray. ♪

You remember.

R-Remember what?

Th-The song. You remember the song.

Oh, th...

I don't know where that came from.

It's terrible.

I know, isn't it?!

Hey, I got the rash cream.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

She's holding my finger.

Oh.

You know, that's what I was gonna say

about the paternity leave thing.

Oh, here we go.

No. No, no, no, no.

I want you to take it.

I mean, take all the time that you need.

Wow. Where'd this come from?

I'm evolving.

I mean, that little baby squishing your pinky right now,

she's your most important priority,

beyond anything else.

Don't worry about the Fusebox, all right?

Stephan can handle the megalodons.

Marty!

Good God!

Sorry.

Marty, I got a present for you.

Calvin, eyes up here.

Don't-don't-don't cry.

Don't cry. It's okay.

Oh. Oh.

Um, uh, Marty!

G-Get me some hand sanitizer!

Marty!

Calvin?!

Oh.

It just breaks my heart to hear my Daphne cry.

Okay, shh, shh, shh. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Whether you like me or not, I'm gonna pick you up.

Okay. I know.

D-Don't cry, don't cry.

Don't cry. Don't cry.

I know, baby, I know.

I know.

I know.

You don't hate me.

Oh.

You hate the hand sanitizer!

Oh, oh.

Oh, Daphne.

But why didn't you just say that?

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --