Original subtitles

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

Come on.

Come on!

Oh, for the love of God. How much longer?!

There you are, Eric. What are you doing here?

I'm waiting for the new Nintendo Wii to come out!

When does it come out?

Three weeks.

Come on.

Come on!

It's time for school.

No, Mom! You don't understand!

I've been waiting for this thing to come out for months.

And now... every day, time is slowing down.

It's like waiting for Christmas... times a thousand.

Eric, you're just going to have to be patient.

No!

No!

[ Bell rings ]

Principal Victoria, it is wrong!

It is wrong, and I simply will not do it!

I care about my students.

And I will not fill their heads with lies!

I am not teaching evolution in my class!

Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum.

We have to teach it.

Evolution is a theory --

a harebrained theory that says I'm a monkey.

I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman!

M-M'kay.

Y-You realize evolution has been pretty much, uh, proven.

I warn you, Principal Victoria,

those students are not prepared to hear this stuff.

Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison,

and they're mature enough to handle anything.

- [ Indistinct conversations ] - [ Grunting ]

How long until Nintendo Wii comes out now?

It's still three weeks.

Oh, God!

Okay. How long now?

Will you shut up already?

All right, kids.

It is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.

Oh, boy!

Now, I for one think

that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap.

But I've been told I have to teach it anyway.

It was thought up by Charles Darwin,

and it goes something like this --

In the beginning, we were all fish, okay,

swimming around in the water.

And then one day, a couple of fish had a retard baby.

And the retard baby was different, so it got to live.

So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies,

and then one day a retard baby fish

crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands,

and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something

and made this retard frog-squirrel.

And then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog.

And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey,

and that monkey had a mutant retard baby

that screwed another monkey, and that made you.

So there you go.

You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys

having butt sex with a fish-squirrel.

Congratulations.

Aah! I can't take it anymore!

[ Screams ]

- [ Door opens, closes ] - Yep. You see?

I knew that would happen.

Come on.

Come on!

Look, kid.

For the 40th time, pacing in front of the store

isn't gonna make the Wii come any faster.

Eric, you're coming home right now!

Can't I just stay and look at the sign a little longer?

It's almost bedtime.

If you sleep, then time will go by faster.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Oh, God.

[ Music continues ]

[ Mouse clicks ]

[ Indistinct talking on television ]

[ Music continues ]

Aah! That does it!

I am not waiting three weeks!

[ Birds chirping ]

You guys! You guys! You guys, you got to help me!

Dude, you don't look so good, Cartman.

I can't take it anymore, you guys.

The wait for Nintendo Wii is literally killing me.

There's nothing you can do, so you just have to be patient.

No. There is something I can do.

- Mrph? - All right. Listen.

You know how in space movies

they put astronauts in suspender animation

so their trip seems really short, right?

I think I've figured out how to do it.

- Do what? - Freeze myself.

If I freeze myself, then in three weeks

when Nintendo Wii comes out, you guys can unfreeze me.

The wait will seem instantaneous to me.

No.

It's simple science, Kyle.

You'll die, retard!

I'll die waiting for the Wii to come out!

Don't you see?! This is my only chance!

Dude, no way.

Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you.

I thought you were my friends! But I guess I was wrong!

After everything we've been through together,

you guys won't even help me freeze myself!

[ Bell rings ]

Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family.

Do you mind telling me why my daughter

now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?!

I told you this would happen, didn't I?

Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware --

We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ

into our daughter,

and with one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!

I hear you.

Sir, if you don't wish

your daughter to learn about evolution,

then we can pull her out of class.

You most certainly will!

But, Dad, I want to learn everything.

No, you don't! Shut up!

Well, I told you.

We should leave evolution out of the classrooms.

It has become obvious to me

that you don't know enough about evolution to teach it.

I'm having you replaced.

Mr. Dawkins!

Re-Replaced?

Richard Dawkins is a world- renowned evolutionary scientist.

Charmed to meet you, Ms. --

Shut up, faggot.

Principal Victoria, I can teach my own class!

You are to sit in class and help Mr. Dawkins

with whatever he needs.

[ Bell rings ]

Over billions of years, life has evolved

from simple, one-celled organisms

into all the complex life we see around us.

Whatever.

It was changes in hereditary traits

that allowed the first mammals to breathe in the air.

Retarded fish-frogs.

Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross oversimplification.

Well, you're a faggot.

Continue.

You see, children,

life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt,

like changing us to the point that we walk upright.

So you are saying that we're all related to monkeys.

Well, yes, basically we are.

You've seen monkeys at the zoo!

They crap in their hands and throw it at people!

Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory.

It is scientific fact.

What about the fact that by believing this crap,

you're gonna go to hell?!

Doesn't that bother you a little?!

Actually, no, because I'm an atheist.

Aha!

I got you, you snake in the grass!

I found you out!

DAWKINS: I never covered it up.

And if I'm a monkey, I might as well act like a monkey, huh?!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-whaa!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whaa-whaa!

What on earth are you doing?!

Don't ask me! I'm a [bleep] monkey!

Agh!

Principal Victoria,

I was simply trying to make a point to Mr. Dawkins

about the incongruity of some scientific statements.

Mrs. Garrison, I am pulling you out of the classroom.

What?

Principal Victoria, I really don't think that's necessary.

This woman is very opinionated,

but she does care about her students.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Very well.

But there is to be no more throwing of feces, understood?

Ms. Garrison.

Ms. Garrison, could I have a word with you, please?

What?

Look, I know you think we are at war,

but I want you to know I admire your passion.

You -- You do?

I've never met a woman with so much... fire.

Well, I-I do bring down the woman's wrath now and again.

So much boldness in a woman.

So beautiful.

I'm sorry. I'm sure you have a husband, but I --

No! No, m-my husband is gone -- dead!

Would you, then, consider having dinner with me tonight?

Well...

Well, I suppose we could have a little steak or something.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I've got a date!

I've got a date!

My first real date with a real man

since my sex-change operation!

Oh, boy! What will I wear?

Hey, everybody!

[ Humming ]

- Hey! - [ Gasps ]

Close the door! I'm trying to freeze!

Eric, get out of there!

No! No! It's too soon!

Now, Eric, this has gone far enough.

You need to learn to be patient.

[ Birds chirping ]

Butters, get your coat. We got to go.

Go where?

You're gonna help me freeze myself.

Okay!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Well, how come we got to come all the way out here?

If anybody else comes across my frozen body,

they'll try to unfreeze me right away.

I have to be hidden.

That's good.

No matter what happens, Butters, you are not to unfreeze me

until the day Nintendo Wii comes out.

You got it?

Eric, are you sure this is a good idea?

No, it's not a good idea. It's an awesome idea.

Yeah, I guess it is.

You got the spot figured out?

You're not gonna lose where I am, right?

I got it -- big tree, oval rock.

Now get out of here.

You can't freeze, too, or else we're both screwed.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Get out of here, you asshole! You're gonna ruin everything!

Oh, geez.

Yes. Come on.

Freeze.

Freeze.

[ Insects chirping ]

So I told my gynecologist,

"You put so many things in my vagina,

maybe I should charge you!"

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, Ms. Garrison, you are the most outspoken woman

I have ever met.

It's almost like you're one of the guys.

Yeah, almost.

You have so much spunk, so much life!

If only you were an atheist.

W-- Well, you know, I'm -- I'm open to stuff.

Why has someone as outspoken as you

given themselves over to the whole God thing?

Oh, I'm not --

I'm not totally into the whole God thing.

I just -- I just think, you know, you can't disprove God.

Well, what if I told you there was a flying spaghetti monster?

Would you believe it simply because it can't be disproven?

You're right!

It's so simple!

God is a spaghetti monster!

Oh, thank you! Geez! My eyes are open!

Hey, everyone, I'm an atheist!

Really? Oh, that's wonderful!

No! I totally get it now!

Evolution explains everything!

There's no great mystery to life, just evolution!

And God's a spaghetti monster!

Thank you, Richard!

You're so welcome!

Would you like to...

head over to my place for dessert?

[ Grunting ]

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, I'm a monkey!

Give this monkey what she wants!

- Oh, Ms. Garrison! - Yeah!

Pound my monkey hole, Richard!

Yeah! I'm a monkey, all right!

[ Wind whistling ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Heartbeat ]

[ Weakly ] N-Nintendo.

I'm coming.

I'm coming... Nintendo.

[ Heartbeat stops ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Coyote howling in distance ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" theme plays ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Whirring ]

We have a pulse.

[ Coughs, gasps ]

Can you... understand me?

Where am I?

My name is Shpeck. You are safe.

Safe where, butthole?

My friend, this is going to be a bit of a shock,

but it is the year 2546.

What?

You have been frozen in ice for over 500 years.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Butters.

Butters, you black asshole! [ Grunts ]

Please, be careful. You are frail.

Is the Wii out? Where is the Wii?

[ Beeping ]

Ah. Nintendo Wii --

a primitive gaming device used in his time.

Primitive?

It has motion-control controllers, asswipe.

Young man, you don't seem to understand.

Your family, your friends, everyone you knew

has been dead for over 500 years.

I don't care! Is there a Nintendo Wii?!

We don't play video games in our time.

There's no such thing as a Nintendo Wii.

- [ Dramatic music plays ] - No.

No!

[ Bell rings ]

DAWKINS: You must understand, children,

that we are dealing with very large numbers here.

[ Thinking ] That's my man.

So evolution doesn't even happen by chance.

It is, in fact, bound to happen.

That's right, kids.

And so, you see, there is no God.

Careful, darling.

The school board doesn't like it when we --

Well, there could still be a god.

What?

Couldn't evolution be the answer to "how?"

And not the answer to "why?"

- Uh-oh! Retard alert! - [ Bell clanging ]

Retard alert, class!

Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster, too,

bubble head?

I wasn't talking about spaghetti.

Come on, you.

You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Ms. Garrison...

I'm not so sure what you did in class today was right.

What?

But, Dick, you told me that the world would be a better place

without religion.

Yes, but to be so bold about it.

I've just never seen a woman with such... balls.

You've just been too soft on religious people in the past.

Think about it, Richard.

With your intellect and my balls,

we can change the future of the world.

Can you imagine a world with no religion?

No Muslims killing Jews,

no Christians bombing abortion clinics.

The world would be a wonderful place... without God.

You're the smartest man on earth, Dick.

With me by your side, there's no stopping you.

Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again.

Oh... all right.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Pbbbbht!

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Pbbbbbht!

Quick, General Disarray! Kill those superheroes!

Pew-pew! Pew-pew!

Yes! Now the world shall feel the wrath of Professor Chaos!

- [ Laughs evilly ] - Butters?

Butters, you haven't seen Eric Cartman

in the past few days, have you?

- [ Down-tempo music plays ] - Who, me?

It's very important, Butters. He's missing.

You haven't seen or heard from him?

No, ma'am.

Okay.

Come on, Professor Chaos! Let's destroy this ant hill!

G-General Disarray, can I ask you a scientific question?

Okay.

Well, um, c-can anything bad happen

if you completely freeze yourself

and then unfreeze yourself three weeks later?

Yeah.

Well, like what?

Like... you die.

Die?!

Well, yeah. If you freeze your body, it means you die.

When you wake up three weeks later, you can be unfrozen,

but you're still dead.

Oh, hamburgers!

Eric!

Eric!

You just left him here without a jacket or anything?

He told me to!

He's dead for sure.

Wait.

It's all different!

Nothing's in the same place!

Oh, my God.

Eric!

Eric!

Butters. B-Butters! Butters!

- We have to get out of here. - What?

Nobody is ever going to find his body.

You've got to never say anything about this, you understand?

He's dead!

If they know you had a hand in it, you'll go to jail!

But I just did what he told me!

Come on! We have to leave!

Oh, jumpin' Jesus.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Wind whistling ]

This is terrible.

Five hundred years in the future.

[ Sobbing ]

Eric, I have good news for you.

We may have found you a Nintendo Wii.

What?! Really?!

Yes! Yes!

It's rumored that there's one at the Museum of Technology

in New New Hampshire.

So I'm not too late. Come on! Let's go!

Well, there's just...

T-There's something we need from you first.

You see, my young friend, you were unfrozen for a reason.

Lots of people froze themselves in cryogenic labs,

and we don't unfreeze them.

But you... are special.

I know I'm special. This isn't news to me.

You lived in the time when a great event happened,

a glorious event that finally made all religion obsolete.

Now the entire world is atheist.

And this gets me a Nintendo Wii how?

We believe that somebody you knew in your time

was the person who first started our wonderful group --

the Unified Atheist League!

Who?

[ Rumbling, alarm blaring ]

What in science's name was that?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Thud echoing ]

Oh, no!

It's the United Atheist Alliance!

Oh, science help us!

Science damn you, Unified Atheist League!

Who are they?

The alliance atheists. We're at war with them!

[ Beeping ]

- [ Beeping ] - No!

Jesus Christ!

[ Chuckles ] You believe in a supernatural being.

- [ Beeping ] - Oh, my science.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

I'm just a little boy from the past

who wants to play Nintendo Wii.

Put me through to the Allied Atheist Allegiance!

On-screen!

Look, Allied Atheist Allegiance!

We have the time child!

Science damn you, United Atheist Alliance!

Now you see, foolish sea otters,

that we are the atheists in control!

It won't make a difference.

This is the dawning of the sea otter.

Know this, time child!

I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!

What?!

Otters, the time has come!

Sound the nafurtee!

ALL: The nafurtee!

[ Low-pitched tone plays ]

[ Beeping ]

So... it begins.