Original subtitles

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

[ Bell rings ]

And so, class, that is when Jolie countered back to Aniston

and said things like --

Oh, hello, Mr. Mackey.

All the girls go out in the hall, please.

I need to speak with the boys of this class, m'kay.

Boys, we have a very serious problem.

I've just come from the men's restroom,

and somebody went number two in the urinal.

What's a urinal?

The wall toilet for peeing in.

And some jokester took a poop in it, m'kay.

Now, I want whoever did it to come forward right now,

and it will be less painful for everybody, m'kay?

Who would take a dump in the urinal?

It's such a s-senseless crime.

Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to entertain

that this is some kind of conspiracy.

Just like 9/11.

Oh, God! Here we go again.

9/11 was not a conspiracy, fat-ass!

Oh, really?

Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle?

Excuse me!

Can we get back to the issue, please?

You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!

Now, who made dookie in the urinal?

- [ Laughter ] - Oh, you think it's funny, huh?

M'kay! M'kay!

You're gonna think it's real funny when the police get here!

MAN: I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey,

but there just isn't really any evidence to go on.

But there must have been some motive.

Nobody would just dook in the urinal for no reason.

But who would benefit from crapping in the urinal?

This is too big a mystery for me.

I think we better call in the Hardly Boys.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

MAN: The Hardly Boys -- two young whippersnappers

with a knack for solving mysteries!

The Hardly Boys in...

So that's it, Hardly Boys.

We've got no leads and nobody admitting to the crime.

That sure is a mystery.

Yeah. It sounds super hard.

Whoever did it must have been angry with the school.

Oh. Oh, I think I'm getting a clue.

Really?

Yeah, this is totally giving me a clue right now.

Oh, I'm starting to get a clue, too!

My clue's kind of pointing this way.

Oh. Yeah. Now I've got a total clue.

I've still got a raging clue.

My clue's pointing over there now!

Oh, let's follow that clue.

[ Bell rings ]

Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?

Not yet.

They aren't going to find out who did it.

But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention,

and make us all believe it.

It'll be 9/11 all over again.

Will you shut up about 9/11?

Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?

Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!

Oh, really?

Well, did you know over one-fourth of people in America

think that 9/11 was a conspiracy?

Are you saying that one-fourth of Americans are retards?

Yes, I'm saying one-fourth of Americans are retards.

Yeah, at least one-fourth.

Let's take a test sample. There's four of us.

You're a retard. That's one-fourth.

There are so many people who know the truth, Kyle.

Butters!

Hey, fellas!

Butters, do you think 9/11 was just a plot

by some angry terrorists,

or do you think there was some kind of cover-up?

Well, I heard that 9/11 was caused by President Bush.

Aha! You see?

Where did you hear that?

- From Eric. - I rest my case.

Butters, you don't really believe that, do you?

Well, I mean, you never know.

The government does some pretty spooky things.

The government and the corporations headed by the Jews

that carried out 9/11.

- That's right, Butters. - God damn it!

You see what happens when you spread this crap, fat-ass?!

- What? People see the truth? - Can I go now?

You guys are blind!

I can't believe everyone here

is just buying into what they're told by the media.

I'm gonna go find out the truth.

I'm gonna blow the lid off this whole 9/11 conspiracy

once and for all!

Oh, no.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪ Is it wrong for me to ask questions? ♪

♪ Is it wrong to seek the truth? ♪

♪ I can't just blindly accept their version ♪

♪ I can't base my logic on proof ♪

♪ Almost all the evidence points one way ♪

♪ But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan ♪

♪ I need to know what really happened ♪

♪ On 9/11 ♪

♪ 'Leven, 'leven, 'leven, 'leven ♪

♪ What really happened on 9/11 ♪

Of course. It's so obvious.

How did we not see it before?

This is my frog. He doesn't have a name.

He's a frog, not a toad, because toads don't ribbit.

I think frogs are good pets.

[ Scattered applause ]

Okay. Thank you, Leroy.

Thanks for sharing your dumb little frog with the class.

Okay. Anybody else have anything for show-and-tell?

Uh! Uh! Uh! Uhhh!

All right, Eric. You can go next.

For show-and-tell today, I have brought

my shocking PowerPoint report on the truth...

behind the 9/11 attacks.

Oh, Christ.

We are told to believe that the fire from the jet fuel

melted the steel framing of the towers,

which led to their collapse.

But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn

at a high enough temperature to melt steel?

We were told the Pentagon was hit by a hijacked plane as well.

But now look at this photo of the Pentagon.

The hole is not nearly big enough.

And if a plane hit it, where's the rest of the plane?

Whoa.

So now the inevitable question --

If terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did?

Remember that there are, in fact, two towers.

Two minus one is one -- one, one -- 11.

Two minus one is one. One, one.

And there are nine members

on Silverstein's board of directors.

That's 9-1-1 -- 9/11.

And take two minus one plus 9-11, and you get 12.

Which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks.

Kyle.

Me?

Twelve contains the numbers 1 and 2,

just like the toilet yesterday,

where somebody went number two instead of number one.

Add one and two with 911, and you get 914.

Drop the 4, and it's 91 --

exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test

12 days after 9/11!

Who had the most to gain from 9/11? Kyle!

Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?

Kyle!

Who dropped the deuce in the urinal? Kyle!

But probably the most damning of all

is the evidence seen in this photo of tower 2.

When I zoomed in, I saw what first appeared to be a blur.

But when I computer-enhanced it...

You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole.

[ Bell rings ]

Hey, Token.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Y-You gonna watch the game tonight, Butters?

Aah!

All right. All right!

I was not responsible for 9/11!

God damn it!

Hello, boubbie. How was school today?

Terrible.

Oh, come on. School isn't all that bad.

But everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11.

Wha-Wha-What?!

KYLE'S MOM: We have to do something.

It is obvious our children

are still completely confused about 9/11!

Yes, we need to go over it again in the classrooms

so they understand what really happened.

Well, what really happened?

There's strong evidence

that what we were told isn't the truth.

- Oh, no. - Oh, brother.

That's right.

Did you know there were explosions seen

at the base of the towers?

- No, no. - Are you retarded?

Look, whatever you believe,

the fact of the matter is somebody...

dropped a dook in the school urinal,

and there's still no explanation for that!

Mr. Mackey, there are more important things going on here.

More important?

You aren't the one

who had to walk into the boys' bathroom, m'kay,

after having to wake up early, you know.

There's no -- no coffee in the teachers' lounge,

and then you -- you walk into the bathroom

just to find a big dook laying there in the urinal,

like it's laughing at you!

He's right!

The turd could have been put in there to cover up 9/11!

No, I'm not saying they're related!

How do we know they're not?

We need to be brave enough to ask questions.

It's obvious that before we go any further,

we need to find out who was behind 9/11 once and for all!

Who else could it have been?

This is too big a mystery for me.

I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.

Oh, no. Not the goddamn --

MAN: The Hardly Boys -- two young whippersnappers

with a taste for solving mysteries.

The Hardly Boys in...

So that's about the long and short of it, Hardly Boys.

There were two towers that stood right here, and they're gone.

And nobody knows who's responsible?

There are theories, but nobody's certain.

Hmm. Who would benefit most from two buildings disappearing?

Ooh. Oh, I just started getting a clue.

Really?

Yeah. I'm totally getting a clue.

Oh. Oh, that's giving me a clue.

Yeah. Y-Yeah. I've got a raging clue right now.

Mine's pointing to the left.

Oh. Oh, Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now.

I think we'd better follow it.

Okay. Let's follow your raging clue.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Godspeed.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Indistinct talking on radio ]

- Kyle! - Aah!

Dude, do you mind telling me why CIA guys

are coming to my house and questioning me about you?

I don't know, dude!

It's like everyone's putting pieces together

that aren't there!

But why did you have to involve me?

- It's not my fault! - All right. Look.

I've been doing research on the Web,

and I found an organization who says they can prove

you weren't involved in 9/11.

- Really? - Come on.

We'll go out the back so they don't see you.

There's just one thing I need to know before we go.

You weren't responsible for 9/11, right?

Dude.

That's all I needed.

[ Bell rings ]

Now, you might all think I've given up

finding who crapped in the urinal, m'kay.

And maybe -- maybe you think it's a victimless crime.

This is Mr. Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay.

He's the person who has to clean up

when some trickster drops a dook in the wrong toilet.

Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best, m'kay.

He's got three kids at home.

He's got a car that barely works.

He's got to clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay.

Then he walks into the boys' room

and sees a big, meaty chud starin' him in the face.

So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay,

you might as well have just dropped your pants

and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you think it's funny, huh?

Mr. Mackey, we got him!

Huh?

We caught the person that did it.

Hi. We were hoping you can help us.

My friend is being blamed for 9/11.

Oh, geez. Come on in, kids.

It doesn't surprise me.

More and more people are being blamed for 9/11 every day.

- They are? - Yeah.

It's a way of keeping people from seeing the real evidence.

I know it seems crazy,

but 9/11 was pulled off by our own government

so they could gain support for attacking the Middle East.

What? No, no, no.

I know it's hard to believe.

Dude, why would the government attack its own buildings?

It's called the false-flag policy.

Make it look like the enemy has attacked you.

Get all your citizens riled up and waving American flags.

Then you're free to invade any country you want.

That's retarded.

Look into the evidence of 9/11,

and you'll see there are a lot of holes in their story.

There's a lot of holes in the theory of evolution, too.

It doesn't mean it's wrong.

You don't understand!

The government controls everything.

The media, the corporations.

They have the power to do anything they want!

Here. Look. Read the labels on these!

Go on! Read them!

"Code 2-3-4."

We think they came from a government office.

- What is it? - It's anthrax.

Anthrax?

Someday we'll use it as evidence against them.

Stan, we can't be seen with this nut job!

[ Men shouting, guns cocking ]

[ Sirens wailing ]

Aw! Aw! Awwwww!

Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?

I don't know.

You've got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay?

You've got over 300 people that need to use the boys' room.

And you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay,

and pinch one off in the urinal

and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at.

- [ Snorts ] - Okay, okay.

You think it's funny, but nobody else does.

They've got to walk into that bathroom

and see your rancid dook propped up

against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll.

[ Laughs ]

Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.

M'kay. That's good.

Let's see what your mom and dad have to say

about your little poopscapade.

Come on in, please.

I'm just trying to get your son to explain

why he would drop a dook in the urinal.

Mr. Mackey... there's something you should know.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Excuse me. There's been a misunderstanding.

Come on in, Mr. President.

Uh, Mr. President, my name is --

Shut up!

You think we don't know your name?

We know everything.

We control everything.

We've all worked very hard

to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret.

But you just had to keep digging.

Really?

You won't get away with it. People know.

People? You mean sheeple.

We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance.

Just one more leak to fix.

Wait. What are you doing?

You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.

No. You can't do this!

Please! I'll stop.

I'll take down the website.

[ Muffled shouting ]

Too late.

[ Gunshot ]

Jesus Christ!

[ Laughs ] He died like a pig.

Some pigs never learn.

No way.

He was right. You did cause 9/11!

Yes.

Quite simple to pull off, really.

All I had to do was have explosives planted

in the base of the towers.

Then on 9/11, we pretended like four planes were being hijacked

when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania,

then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center

filled with more explosives and shot down all the witnesses

in Flight 93 with an F-15

after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile.

It was only the world's most intricate

and flawlessly executed plan ever, ever.

Really?

Why?

The oldest reason in the world -- money.

The towers fell,

and the American sheeple all waved their flags.

Finally we could invade Iraq

and get the oil which made us all even richer than before.

Beautiful money. [ Laughs ]

Really?

Is the whole government in on this?

We are all-knowing and all-powerful.

Goodbye, boys.

[Alarm blaring ]

Dang it! I missed again!

For Christ's sake, Cheney!

Kyle, run!

Kill them!

[ Sighs ]

Attention, students.

Apparently Clyde could not have been the one

who crapped in the urinal,

because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5, m'kay.

Now, whoever did this unspeakable act

is still at large.

The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice

because one of you thought it would be a good idea

to pull down your pants, m'kay,

hover your butt cheeks over the urinal,

and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog, m'kay.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you think that's funny, huh?

Let me assure you there is nothing funny

about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay,

dropping your pants and then turning around,

squatting over that urinal, m'kay,

maybe pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay,

and then laying out a big fudge dragon

for all the world to see.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah. That's real funny.

I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch

if it's the last thing I do, m'kay!

All right. Now we have to switch over to inner bus 65.

We made it, dude.

We should be home in less than 18 hours.

Then we'll tell everyone what we saw!

It just doesn't seem right.

Yeah. Our eyes are finally open, dude.

It's like waking up for the first time.

Yeah, but doesn't it seem like

we got out of the White House pretty easily?

I mean, it seems like it would be pretty hard

to escape from the White House with everyone chasing you,

and we just kind of... ran out.

Well, dude, maybe we're just super badass.

Have you thought of that?

Hey!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Dude. You're alive?

[ Gasps ]

Come back here!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Hey!

[ Grunts ]

[ Music continues ]

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

No! Please! Please!

Dude, what the hell is going on?

Don't kill me!

I-I just do what they say!

- What who says? - I have a family!

Please don't kill me! [ Sobs ]

Dude, we aren't going to kill you!

[ Gunshot ]

Oh, God!

It isn't safe here, boys! Follow me!

Who the [bleep] are you?

There's no time! Come on!

Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on?

- Who are you? - I'm a detective.

And I'm afraid you kids have been double-crossed.

You've figured this thing all out?

Not me. My mystery-solving sons.

Come on in, boys.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

My boys were researching who went number two

in the urinal at your school

when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue.

It gave us both a clue.

That clue lead them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party,

where they got a lot more clues.

I was getting a clue like every two minutes.

I got such a raging clue

that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.

Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories

could be disproven scientifically.

And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.

It was huge.

That all the 9/11 conspiracy websites

are run by the government.

The 9/11 conspiracy is a government conspiracy.

Oh, Jesus.

Why would the government

want people to think they caused 9/11?

For a government to have power,

they must appear to have complete control.

What better way to make people fear them

than to convince them they are capable

of the most elaborate plan on earth?

BUSH: That's quite enough, Hardly!

Don't believe what he says, boys.

We caused 9/11.

It's all right here in these secret documents.

But you'll never get them.

[ Yawns ]

I knew it!

You didn't plan 9/11 and you didn't really shoot that guy!

Boys, you don't understand.

People need to think we're all-powerful,

that we control the world.

If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11,

then we appear to control nothing.

Why don't you just tell people the truth?

We do that, too.

And most people believe the truth.

But one-fourth of the population is retarded.

If they want to believe that we control everything

with intricate plans, why not let them?

Just one thing, Mr. President.

How the devil did you know we were all here?

[ Gun cocks ]

How come you couldn't just go home, dude?

That's all we had to do.

Stan! What the [bleep]

It was all planned out.

You knew this whole time?

Why?

Because it was me.

I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.

What?

The stalls were full, and I didn't want to miss recess!

I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal!

So you blamed the government?

And the government was more than willing to take the blame,

so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11.

Aw, man, now everyone's gonna know.

Why did the stupid Hardly Boys

have to be so good at solving mysteries?

So wait. Wait.

Stan took the dump in the urinal,

and he contacted the conspiracy website,

but the conspiracy site was run by the government?

Yeah.

So then who was responsible for 9/11?

What do you mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.

Yeah. What are you, retarded?

[ Laughter ]

Well, it looks like this mystery is solved.

It's time for the culprit to finally pay.

When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay?

How would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay,

pulled down their pants,

and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, you think that's funny, huh?

Yeah, that's real funny.