Original subtitles

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

[ Dramatic music plays ]

CARTMAN: Oh, dude. I just took the biggest crap!

Hey, where are you guys?

STAN: We're over here by the cart!

Okay. I'm back.

Dude, we've been waiting forever!

Well, I'm sorry. I had to take a dump!

KYLE: If you didn't eat so much,

you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fat-ass.

Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!

KYLE: Mrph rmhmhm rm rmph.

- [ Laughs ] - [ Chuckles ] Totally!

Come on. We have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.

STAN'S DAD: Stan? Stan?

Hang on, guys. My dad wants something.

- Stan! - What?!

You've been on your computer all weekend.

Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?

I am socializing, r-tard.

I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world

and getting XP with my party using TeamSpeak.

I'm not an r-tard.

All right. Sorry, guys.

So, where to now?

KYLE: See where I am? It's this way.

CARTMAN: Yeah. Come on. Let's go.

Right-click on me to follow.

I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!

Wow! Look at all these people playing right now!

Yeah. It's bullcrap.

I'll bet half of these people are Koreans.

Oh, crap! It's that guy again!

Who is this?

STAN: This is the guy that kept killing us last night

after you went to bed!

CARTMAN: Get out of here, asshole!

He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.

KYLE: It's all right.

He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.

[ Groans ]

Oh, my God! He killed Kenny!

You bastard!

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

Don't you have better things to do

than going online killing people?!

No! I don't want to have to start over at the graveyard! No!

[ Groans ]

That son of a bitch!

Who is that guy?

Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.

[ Dramatic music playing ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

"World of Warcraft" support line.

Yeah. We bought your game and play it online.

But every time we log in,

some other player comes in and kills us.

Oh. That shouldn't happen.

We designed the game so that players have to agree to a duel

before they can kill each other.

Yeah. Well, this guy does it anyways!

He's a goddamn butthole!

Really? That's odd.

More people calling in about their characters getting killed.

Oh, no.

Well, we'll certainly keep a lookout for that player

and ban him from the network.

Better tell the guys upstairs.

Fellow board members, we have a problem.

Somebody in the World of Warcraft

is ignoring the world's rules

and is going around killing innocent players.

- [ Dramatic music plays ] - Why kill innocent players?

The game is about finishing quests.

We've got to delete him from the servers.

We can't.

Whoever this player is,

he's played "World of Warcraft" so much

that he has reached a level we thought unreachable.

He is actually able to kill our admins,

and he grows stronger every day.

Jesus.

I've got to get home!

My kids are playing "World of Warcraft" right now!

Jim, your kids' characters are already dead.

No.

No.

They just started playing!

What kind of person would do this?

Only one kind.

Whoever this person is, he has played "World of Warcraft"

nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half.

Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who...

has absolutely no life.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

How do you kill that which has no life?

Randy, you working on that sediment analysis?

Not now, Nelson.

I just joined a big party of night elves,

and we're gonna explore the Tower of Azora together.

Is that a computer game?

No, r-tard. It's an MMORPG.

These are real people I'm playing with.

See? I'm a hunter, level 2.

I can chat with all these other people.

I can even wave to this guy. See?

Hello!

In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist.

But in here...

I am Falcorn, defender of the alliance.

I have braved the Fargodeep Mine,

defeated the bloodfish at Jerod's Landing --

[ Groans, sighs ]

Hm. Looks like that guy just killed you.

What?!

Why?

Why?!

My friends, as you all know,

some giant butthole keeps logging on to Warcraft

and killing all our characters.

The past four nights we've tried to play,

he shows up and kills us.

He killed my character right in the middle of a quest!

Mine too!

We've learned that the four of us can't fight him alone.

But if we all log in together, we might have a chance.

Hey! Yeah!

We can really stick it to that ass m-munch.

Are you guys dumb?

We can't beat him, even with all of us.

- It's a waste of time. - Dude, we have to try.

I've got better things to do.

Clyde! Clyde!

If you had a chance right now to go back in time

and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it?

I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him

because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?

I'm just gonna stop playing.

When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people

who just stopped playing.

You know who those people were? The French.

Are you French, Clyde?

No.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?

All right! All right! I'll do it!

So what's the p-plan?

All right,

Log in tonight from your computers at precisely 7:30.

We will meet here,

on the plains of the Elwynn forest near Westfall.

My friends, to victory!

ALL: To victory!

I don't play "World of Warcraft."

Butters, you said you're on your computer all the time.

Yeah, but I'm playing "Hello Kitty Island Adventure."

Butters, go buy "World of Warcraft,"

install it on your computer, and join the online sensation

before we all murder you.

Oh. Oh, all right. All right, then.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

CARTMAN: All right, you guys! This is it!

When the attack begins,

all warriors click on "defensive stance."

Everyone else wait for Craig to cast his intellect buff.

- TOKEN: Okay! - JASON: Got it.

The battle is sure to be long,

so make sure you all have your special abilities

macroed to your keyboards.

JIMMY: All right, Eric. You can c-c-c-count on us.

TIMMY: Timmy!

This shall be a day for all to remember!

Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth!

- From which -- - BUTTERS: Hey, fellas!

Boy, this is neato, huh?

[ Birds chirping ]

Butters, what the hell are you doing?

I got "World of Warcraft" like you said.

You can't be the dwarf character, Butters.

I'm the dwarf.

Well, there's only like four races to choose from.

So pick another one!

I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole!

Log out, create a new character, and log back in!

I like "Hello Kitty Island Adventure"

a lot more than this stuff.

Come on! Let's do this!

CRAIG: Yeah. My mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.

Then let's move out!

[All shouting ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Grunts ]

[All groaning ]

Look! There he is!

Everyone hold!

He's targeting us!

Prepare to charge!

Scroll over him with your mouse cursors...

and... right-click!

[All shouting ]

What the...

Oh, Jesus! He summoned scorpions!

[ Shouting in distance ]

[All shouting, groaning ]

Aah! I'm burning!

Oh, Jesus! I'm burning!

Rm! Mrph rm!

Kenny's down. K-Kenny is down!

TWEEK: [ Screaming ]

IKE: I'm gonna poop in my pants.

Ike, look out!

- [ Grunts ] - Aah! Kyle!

All right, Clyde! Hit him with your crossbow!

Hit him now, Clyde!

Clyde?!

Clyde!

Clyde! Clyde, you asshole!

God damn it! We lost Clyde!

Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys?

Dad?

Yeah. I'm playing from the office.

Dad, get off our TeamSpeak line!

[ Groans ]

That's it. I'm dead.

[ Grunts ]

That's it. Screw this game.

No! Leave me alone!

Don't -- Aah!

God [bleep] damn it!

[ Down-tempo music playing ]

[ Farts ]

Oh, Jesus.

- Oh, God, no. - [ Keys clicking ]

What?

He's just finished killing every single player

in the Arathi Highlands.

How many people's characters were in there?

Over 5,000.

There are over 7 million people

who log on to "World of Warcraft."

Are you telling me all those people's characters

are going to die

and there's nothing we can do to save them?!

Yes, and it won't be long

before everyone gets really, really frustrated

and stops playing altogether.

Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end

of the World... of Warcraft.

No!

N-o-o-o!

What the hell are you guys doing?

Don't tell me you all quit playing "World of Warcraft" too!

Dude, we're done.

We're sick of getting killed all the time.

Guys, when things look bad,

you can't just give up on the World... of Warcraft.

We don't have a choice, dude.

That guy killed our characters 14 times!

I have a solution, you guys.

That guy can kill us so easily

because he's a super-high level, right?

But if we were super-high level, too...

We can't get to a higher level

because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!

That's why we need to just log in

and stay in the forest, killing boars.

Boars?

There's lots of computer- generated boars in Warcraft

that die with just one blow.

Dude, boars are only worth 2 experience points apiece.

Do you know how many we would have to kill

to get up 30 levels?

Yes.

65,340,285,

which should take us seven weeks, five days,

13 hours, and 20 minutes,

giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep.

What do you say, guys?

You can just -- You can just hang outside in the sun all day

tossing a ball around,

or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters.

[ Up-tempo rock music plays ]

[ Boar shrieks ]

MAN: ♪ Live to win ♪

♪ Till you die ♪

♪ Till the light dies in your eye ♪

♪ Live to win ♪

♪ Take it all ♪

♪ Just keep fighting till you fall ♪

♪ Day by day, kickin' all the way ♪

♪ I'm not cavin' in ♪

♪ Let another round begin ♪

♪ Live to win ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Live ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Win ♪

Sir, you'd better have a look at this.

Four of our subscribers --

They've gone up 50 levels in three weeks!

My God.

They must have no lives at all.

A hope?

A chance.

♪ Live to win ♪

♪ Till you die ♪

♪ Till the light dies in your eye ♪

Dude, my mouse-clicking finger hurts.

Keep clicking, Kyle. You can do it!

♪ Just keep fighting till you fall ♪

♪ Day by day, kickin' all the way ♪

♪ I'm not cavin' in ♪

♪ Let another round begin ♪

♪ Live to win ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Live ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Win ♪

The admins tell us they are four players

from a small town in Colorado.

Are they strong enough to defeat the evil one?

We ran the numbers.

Even with their amazing rise in levels,

they have a 90% mortality probability.

They'd be walking into a slaughter.

There has to be some way we can help them.

What about... the Sword of A Thousand Truths?

Quiet, Thomas! We aren't to even speak of that sword!

But maybe these new players

are the ones the prophecy foretold of!

It is not an option!

What is this sword?

Long ago, when the World of Warcraft was created,

one of the programmers put a sword

called the Sword of A Thousand Truths

into the game inventory.

Apparently it could cause 120 damage per second

with an instant manna burn and an enchantment

that boosted stamina plus-80.

But the sword was considered to be too powerful

for anyone to possess.

So it was removed from the game

and stored on a one-gig flash drive.

But it was foretold that one day

players who could wield the sword might reveal themselves.

Who foretold this prophecy?

Saltzman. He's in accounting.

Behold. The Sword of A Thousand Truths.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

PRESIDENT: We must get this sword

to the ones who have proven they have no life.

Let's just hope to Christ they don't start the battle

before we can reach them.

All right, you guys. The moment of truth is here.

It is time for our final battle.

Everyone, log in!

I'm in.

Me too.

Mrph rmh.

Everyone equip healing potions to the hotbar

if you haven't already.

Uh, Kyle go ahead and cast arcane brilliance

to raise our intelligence.

Hang on. I'm chaining my fire spells for max range.

Nice.

Stan, what enchantment does your Cloak of the Tiger have?

Plus-15 agility.

Give the cloak to Kenny.

He needs the agility boost for bow attacks.

'Kay.

Hold on. This fight could last more than 12 hours.

What if we run out of food?

Don't worry. I have that covered.

- Mom? - CARTMAN'S MOM: Yes, hon?

More Hot Pockets.

Right away, hon.

That's uber-cool.

All right. Everyone ready?

- Ready. - KYLE: Ready.

Let's go get him!

[ Dramatic music plays, keys clicking ]

Wait. I think I see him.

Yeah. Yeah. He's here in Goldshire.

Okay, everyone open your F-list and auto-locate to Stan.

What's the auto-locate macro?

Command-zero. [ Sniffs ]

Okay. Right behind Stan.

Kenny, get ready to turn on trueshot aura.

At that moment, I will use intimidating shout.

Okay. He sees us.

[ Music continues ]

He's targeted us.

Okay. Hit him with pyroblast, Kyle.

Casting.

There's an eight-second cast time.

Aren't you spec'd to reduce cast time?

No. I'm an arcane fire mage.

Christ.

He cast summon again.

Everyone target the scorpions.

[ Keys clicking ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[All grunting ]

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

We are looking for a great knight

by the name of luvs2spooge.

That's my son's character's name in Warcraft.

Where is he?!

Who are you?

Sir, we don't have time!

We just heard from our admins

that your son's party is already in battle!

Unless they have this sword,

your son's character is going to die.

[ Insects chirping ]

Oh, my God.

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Grunts ]

Kyle, fire spell!

Ha! Aah! Aah!

Kyle?

Aah! Aah!

Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?

Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel!

It's -- Aah!

Oh, Jesus! He's got it bad!

Quick! We need Ben Gay!

Hurry, dude!

I'm going as fast as I can!

Kyle, you have to keep playing.

I can't. Just leave me behind.

We can't do this without you! Now come on!

Stan, Stan!

Sharon, where's Stan?

I don't know.

He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game.

Stupid?

- Where?! - I don't know!

Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him!

So what?

- So what?! - So what?!

We're too late.

Without the sword, the players will fail.

If we could get to a computer,

we could sign on to the World of Warcraft

and give the boys the sword online.

I don't have a "World of Warcraft" account.

- Do you? - No. I have a life.

Give me the sword.

- You? - I have a Warcraft character.

I'm a newb, but I can log on and get the sword to Stan online.

We can't trust the Sword of A Thousand Truths to a newb!

Sounds to me like we don't have a choice.

Give me the sword.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Ahh.

Come on. We've got to get to a computer that works!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

- Where's your car?! - We took a cab here!

Damn it! Mine's in the shop!

Hey! Help! Stop!

Please! It's an emergency!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Grunts ]

Come on!

[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]

Nelson! Nelson, I need to come over and use your computer!

No, I need to play "World of Warcraft"!

Nelson?!

All right. Major stone shield potions should be --

Oh, God. I'm gonna have diarrhea again.

[ Groans ]

You can't go to the bathroom. You're stacking sunder armor.

It's okay.

Mom, bathroom!

- CARTMAN'S MOM: What, hon? - Bathroom!

Bathroom!

[ Farting ]

Oh! That's a big boy, isn't he?

All right, Kenny.

Drink your elixir of the mongoose.

I am now going to use mocking blow.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

"World of Warcraft"! I need to play!

Our demo is set up right over by the --

[ Keys clicking ]

Got to sign in.

Character name. All right! I'm in!

Dude, I'm almost dead.

Kyle, cast arcane missiles!

I'm out of manna. I told you!

I've got to heal!

Stan!

Dad? Not now!

Stan, I've been sent here... to bring you this.

This sword can completely drain his manna!

Dad, how did you get that?

No time! Just take it!

Here!

How -- How do you hand something from one player to another?

Bring up your inventory screen. Control-I!

Okay.

Stan, what the hell are you doing?!

- I got it! - Aah!

Dad!

[ Weakly ] Stan!

Dad, no!

You killed my father.

Aah!

- [ Groans ] - [ Electricity crackling ]

His shield and armor spells are down!

Attack!

[ Grunts ]

Aah!

[ Groans ]

Looks like you're about to get pwned.

Yaah!

Dad? Dad?

[ Weakly ] Stan.

I've never been able to say this before, but...

I love you, son.

I know you do, Dad.

[ Groaning ]

[ Groaning ]

They did it!

Our world is saved!

They did it! They killed him!

- They did it! - They killed him!

- We can come out! - Come out!

- Yes! - Mrph rm!

- All right! - Yeah!

- All right. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Mrph rm.

We did it, you guys. We're totally heroes.

That was such uber-pwnage.

I can't believe it's all over.

What do we do now?

What do you mean?

Now we can finally play the game.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Kenny.

Add eyes of the beast to your hotbar.

Stan, check your fury talents to boost your shouts.

Got it.