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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
2
00:00:14,945 --> 00:00:16,530
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
3
00:00:16,655 --> 00:00:18,198
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
4
00:00:18,323 --> 00:00:21,409
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
5
00:00:21,535 --> 00:00:23,119
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
6
00:00:23,245 --> 00:00:24,555
♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
7
00:00:24,579 --> 00:00:27,958
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
00:00:28,083 --> 00:00:30,961
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
9
00:00:31,086 --> 00:00:35,799
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
10
00:00:38,885 --> 00:00:40,470
Hi.
Welcome to P.F. Chang's.
11
00:00:40,595 --> 00:00:43,515
How spicy would you like me
to make your Chang Sauce?
12
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,309
Chris, the people at table 3
need their check.
13
00:00:46,434 --> 00:00:47,853
I know.
I'm swamped!
14
00:00:47,978 --> 00:00:50,480
- I've got no help here!
- What about the new waiter?
15
00:00:50,605 --> 00:00:52,399
The new waiter is useless.
16
00:00:52,524 --> 00:00:54,359
And I think he's high.
17
00:00:55,152 --> 00:00:58,780
How spicy would you like
your Chang Sauce?
18
00:00:58,905 --> 00:01:00,490
Can we just place our order,
please?
19
00:01:00,615 --> 00:01:03,910
Oh, man.
I have no idea what's going on.
20
00:01:04,035 --> 00:01:05,120
Everything okay here?
21
00:01:05,245 --> 00:01:06,746
Fine, except this towel
22
00:01:06,872 --> 00:01:09,207
has been mixing Chang Sauce
for 15 minutes.
23
00:01:09,332 --> 00:01:10,332
He's clueless.
24
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:12,043
Don't call me shoeless!
25
00:01:12,169 --> 00:01:13,461
You're shoeless!
26
00:01:13,587 --> 00:01:14,754
Yeah.
Well, you're a towel.
27
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:15,880
You're a towel!
28
00:01:15,964 --> 00:01:18,466
All right. That's it.
Get out of here. You're fired!
29
00:01:18,592 --> 00:01:19,384
Yeah!
30
00:01:19,509 --> 00:01:21,178
Not him, you!
31
00:01:21,303 --> 00:01:22,512
Aww.
32
00:01:22,637 --> 00:01:24,347
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
33
00:01:24,472 --> 00:01:27,517
Oh, man.
I really screwed up this time.
34
00:01:27,642 --> 00:01:29,436
The rent's due
at the end of the month,
35
00:01:29,561 --> 00:01:31,021
and I don't have any money!
36
00:01:31,146 --> 00:01:34,482
I need to shape up
and find a new job quick!
37
00:01:34,608 --> 00:01:38,653
But first maybe I'll get
a little high.
38
00:01:42,157 --> 00:01:44,743
Wait.
Here it comes.
39
00:01:44,868 --> 00:01:46,661
A good idea is coming.
40
00:01:46,786 --> 00:01:48,622
Yeah.
Hey, yeah!
41
00:01:48,747 --> 00:01:50,373
I should become a writer!
42
00:01:50,498 --> 00:01:53,752
If I just write a book about
my life, I can get it published
43
00:01:53,877 --> 00:01:56,838
and then make plenty of money
to pay rent!
44
00:01:56,963 --> 00:02:01,468
I'll bet people can't wait
to read my memoirs.
45
00:02:01,593 --> 00:02:05,972
"A Million... Little Fibers."
46
00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:10,227
"By Toweleeeie."
47
00:02:10,352 --> 00:02:13,730
This is a really good idea.
48
00:02:16,608 --> 00:02:18,235
Uh-huh.
49
00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:21,112
Mm.
50
00:02:21,696 --> 00:02:24,741
Yes.
Yes, I see.
51
00:02:24,866 --> 00:02:26,868
Well, that's quite
a fascinating story --
52
00:02:26,993 --> 00:02:28,912
you being engineered as a towel
53
00:02:29,037 --> 00:02:31,831
with a computer chip
that determines dryness.
54
00:02:31,957 --> 00:02:33,917
Yep.
And it's all true!
55
00:02:34,042 --> 00:02:35,835
Chapters 4 through 8, however,
56
00:02:35,961 --> 00:02:39,172
seem to all be about
Doritos brand corn chips.
57
00:02:39,297 --> 00:02:42,717
I guess I could edit
those chapters down some.
58
00:02:42,842 --> 00:02:43,842
Don't bother.
59
00:02:43,927 --> 00:02:45,154
I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,
60
00:02:45,178 --> 00:02:48,139
but nobody is ever going to
publish your memoirs.
61
00:02:48,265 --> 00:02:49,933
Huh?!
Why not?
62
00:02:50,058 --> 00:02:51,851
Well, just the small,
trivial fact
63
00:02:51,977 --> 00:02:55,939
that people aren't interested
in autobiographies of towels.
64
00:02:56,064 --> 00:02:58,984
Well, yeah, but maybe people
will read my memoirs
65
00:02:59,109 --> 00:03:01,945
and, like, apply its lessons
to their own lives.
66
00:03:02,070 --> 00:03:03,738
No, they won't.
67
00:03:03,863 --> 00:03:05,407
Because they're people.
68
00:03:05,532 --> 00:03:06,992
And you're a towel.
69
00:03:07,117 --> 00:03:08,785
You're a towel.
70
00:03:08,910 --> 00:03:10,745
No, I'm a big book publisher
71
00:03:10,870 --> 00:03:12,289
who's not the least bit
interested
72
00:03:12,414 --> 00:03:14,124
in your stony memoirs.
73
00:03:14,249 --> 00:03:16,084
You're a towel.
74
00:03:16,209 --> 00:03:19,379
[ Dramatic music plays ]
75
00:03:19,504 --> 00:03:20,964
Now what am I gonna do?
76
00:03:21,089 --> 00:03:22,090
I got to pay rent,
77
00:03:22,215 --> 00:03:25,510
and I just wasted three weeks
writing my memoirs.
78
00:03:25,635 --> 00:03:29,014
It's time for me to stop being
so irresponsible.
79
00:03:29,139 --> 00:03:31,057
I've got to shape up, focus,
80
00:03:31,182 --> 00:03:33,685
and come up with real solutions
to my problems.
81
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:35,937
I'd better get a little high.
82
00:03:36,062 --> 00:03:38,106
Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
83
00:03:38,231 --> 00:03:40,525
But you have to think
of something fast,
84
00:03:40,650 --> 00:03:43,028
and getting high
makes you smart.
85
00:03:43,153 --> 00:03:44,029
All right.
86
00:03:44,154 --> 00:03:46,740
I'll just use
my special getting-high powers
87
00:03:46,865 --> 00:03:49,284
one more time.
88
00:03:53,913 --> 00:03:55,874
Hey.
Hey, wait a minute!
89
00:03:55,999 --> 00:03:57,625
Of course!
That's it!
90
00:03:57,751 --> 00:04:00,503
Why didn't I think of it
before?!
91
00:04:03,965 --> 00:04:09,012
"All my life I've been
a pretty irresponsible towel."
92
00:04:09,137 --> 00:04:11,222
"Person."
93
00:04:11,348 --> 00:04:14,476
"I thought I was somehow
stronger and more immune
94
00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:16,478
than other towels."
95
00:04:16,603 --> 00:04:19,147
"People."
96
00:04:19,272 --> 00:04:23,068
This is a really good idea.
97
00:04:24,944 --> 00:04:26,196
Oh.
98
00:04:26,321 --> 00:04:27,864
Oh, my God.
99
00:04:27,989 --> 00:04:31,159
I cannot believe a human being
has led this kind of life,
100
00:04:31,284 --> 00:04:32,284
Mister...
101
00:04:32,327 --> 00:04:35,622
McTowelie.
Steven McTowelie.
102
00:04:35,747 --> 00:04:37,999
It's heartbreaking passages
like this one --
103
00:04:38,124 --> 00:04:41,211
"I am a person who often
gets hung out to dry
104
00:04:41,336 --> 00:04:42,629
by all those around me."
105
00:04:42,754 --> 00:04:45,382
I know this company would be
honored to publish this book.
106
00:04:45,507 --> 00:04:48,051
I just have one small question
first.
107
00:04:48,176 --> 00:04:50,970
You're not... a towel, are you?
108
00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:53,430
No.
109
00:04:53,473 --> 00:04:54,516
If I was a towel,
110
00:04:54,641 --> 00:04:58,103
why would I be wearing this hat
and this fake mustache?
111
00:04:58,228 --> 00:04:59,396
Right.
I'm sorry.
112
00:04:59,521 --> 00:05:01,121
Well, Steven,
if it's all right with you,
113
00:05:01,147 --> 00:05:03,233
I'm going to get our agents
and lawyers on the phone.
114
00:05:03,358 --> 00:05:04,484
We're in business, sir.
115
00:05:04,609 --> 00:05:06,444
All right!
116
00:05:06,569 --> 00:05:10,407
[ Up-tempo music plays,
crowd cheering ]
117
00:05:11,491 --> 00:05:13,785
Thank you so much!
118
00:05:14,494 --> 00:05:16,788
Once in a while,
I come across a book
119
00:05:16,913 --> 00:05:22,585
that is so honest and so moving
that it changes my life.
120
00:05:22,710 --> 00:05:26,047
"A Million Little Fibers"
is the true story
121
00:05:26,172 --> 00:05:29,509
of a man who was born
in a laboratory.
122
00:05:29,634 --> 00:05:33,471
Please welcome author
Steven McTowelie!
123
00:05:33,596 --> 00:05:36,057
[ Cheers and applause ]
124
00:05:37,350 --> 00:05:40,562
Steven, when I read your book,
I thought to myself,
125
00:05:40,687 --> 00:05:43,982
"How can a human being
go through all this
126
00:05:44,107 --> 00:05:46,401
and still turn out okay?"
127
00:05:46,526 --> 00:05:49,237
Well, I guess I'm just
an extra-special tow--
128
00:05:49,362 --> 00:05:50,780
person!
129
00:05:50,905 --> 00:05:52,665
You talk in your book
how you would sometimes
130
00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:54,826
have to spend days
hung up on a rack.
131
00:05:54,951 --> 00:05:57,078
What would that do to you
emotionally?
132
00:05:57,203 --> 00:06:00,415
You have been through so much,
133
00:06:00,540 --> 00:06:03,042
and I think that people
all over America...
134
00:06:03,168 --> 00:06:05,420
MINGIE: [ British accent ]
Oh, God. There she goes again.
135
00:06:05,545 --> 00:06:08,089
Babbling about people's lives
and carrying on.
136
00:06:08,214 --> 00:06:10,967
She hasn't paid any attention
to me in years!
137
00:06:11,092 --> 00:06:14,220
A life that kept getting up
whenever it was down...
138
00:06:14,345 --> 00:06:16,764
MINGIE: Nobody knows what it's
like to be Oprah's minge.
139
00:06:16,890 --> 00:06:18,349
All she does is work.
140
00:06:18,475 --> 00:06:20,977
Never gives her ol' minge
a nice rub now and again.
141
00:06:21,102 --> 00:06:22,687
A minge needs attention!
142
00:06:22,812 --> 00:06:24,856
At least a scratch
once in a while!
143
00:06:24,981 --> 00:06:27,525
Well, Steven, your book hasn't
sold a lot of copies yet,
144
00:06:27,650 --> 00:06:30,111
but I have some pretty exciting
news for you.
145
00:06:30,236 --> 00:06:31,236
MINGIE:
Used to be a time
146
00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:33,072
when Oprah would play with me
night and day.
147
00:06:33,198 --> 00:06:35,783
She'd pet me for hours,
using every finger.
148
00:06:35,909 --> 00:06:38,369
But now I just sit here...
in the dark.
149
00:06:38,495 --> 00:06:40,205
Not even so much as a pinkie.
150
00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:41,831
I should write a book.
151
00:06:41,956 --> 00:06:43,625
It'd be much more depressing
than his.
152
00:06:43,750 --> 00:06:45,919
And so, Steven,
I am making your book
153
00:06:46,044 --> 00:06:49,506
my official
"Book of the Month" selection!
154
00:06:49,631 --> 00:06:51,841
- Really?
- [ Cheers and applause ]
155
00:06:51,966 --> 00:06:55,553
Wow!
I'm gonna get super-rich now!
156
00:06:55,678 --> 00:06:58,515
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
157
00:07:19,702 --> 00:07:21,412
Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, listen.
158
00:07:21,538 --> 00:07:23,831
Maybe we can get her in
as a guest on the 19th.
159
00:07:23,957 --> 00:07:25,542
Is John Travolta available
160
00:07:25,667 --> 00:07:27,627
to be a guest
the week after that?
161
00:07:27,752 --> 00:07:30,338
Okay. That might work better
since it's sweeps week.
162
00:07:30,463 --> 00:07:31,881
MINGIE:
Can't take it anymore.
163
00:07:32,006 --> 00:07:34,300
All she ever does
is work, work, work.
164
00:07:34,425 --> 00:07:36,344
Never pays attention
to the ol' minge.
165
00:07:36,469 --> 00:07:39,097
I'm always trapped
in these stuffy pantsuits.
166
00:07:39,222 --> 00:07:40,306
I want attention.
167
00:07:40,431 --> 00:07:41,431
I'm bloody bored!
168
00:07:41,516 --> 00:07:43,452
GARY: [ British accent ]
Oh, stop your complainin'!
169
00:07:43,476 --> 00:07:45,186
I'm trying to sleep back here!
170
00:07:45,311 --> 00:07:47,146
MINGIE: Oi, who's that?
Is that you, Gary?
171
00:07:47,272 --> 00:07:48,606
GARY:
Yes, it's me.
172
00:07:48,731 --> 00:07:50,108
You think you got it bad?
173
00:07:50,233 --> 00:07:52,944
Oprah hasn't paid any attention
to me in years.
174
00:07:53,069 --> 00:07:55,738
MINGIE: Oh, what do you care?
You're just an asshole.
175
00:07:55,863 --> 00:07:58,658
I'm a minge!
Minges need stimulation!
176
00:07:58,783 --> 00:08:01,369
GARY: Assholes need stimulation,
too, you bastard.
177
00:08:01,494 --> 00:08:04,038
I want to travel.
I want to see Paris.
178
00:08:04,163 --> 00:08:06,165
I thought life
was going to get better.
179
00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:07,875
But Oprah's always busy.
180
00:08:08,001 --> 00:08:10,545
Working and working,
dieting and not dieting.
181
00:08:10,670 --> 00:08:12,755
I'm either puking up mounds
of chocolate cake
182
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,299
or teaspoons of wheat grass.
183
00:08:14,424 --> 00:08:15,967
MINGIE:
She's a workaholic.
184
00:08:16,092 --> 00:08:16,968
Let's face it --
185
00:08:17,093 --> 00:08:18,733
The only way we're gonna get
any attention
186
00:08:18,761 --> 00:08:20,471
is if Oprah doesn't work
anymore.
187
00:08:20,597 --> 00:08:21,957
GARY:
Well, that will never happen.
188
00:08:22,015 --> 00:08:23,641
MINGIE:
Not unless she gets fired.
189
00:08:23,766 --> 00:08:26,352
GARY: Fired?
You got a plan, Mingie?
190
00:08:26,477 --> 00:08:28,354
MINGIE:
That bloke on the show today,
191
00:08:28,479 --> 00:08:32,233
the one Oprah supported --
He isn't a bloke at all.
192
00:08:32,358 --> 00:08:33,651
He's a towel.
193
00:08:33,776 --> 00:08:35,278
GARY:
Oh. How do you know?
194
00:08:35,403 --> 00:08:36,404
MINGIE:
I'm a minge.
195
00:08:36,529 --> 00:08:38,239
Minges know a towel
when they hear one.
196
00:08:38,364 --> 00:08:39,364
If evidence gets out
197
00:08:39,449 --> 00:08:41,576
that Oprah's champion author
is a towel,
198
00:08:41,701 --> 00:08:43,494
she'll look right foolish.
199
00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:45,830
Fans will start dropping off
by the millions.
200
00:08:45,955 --> 00:08:47,248
GARY:
How do we get proof?
201
00:08:47,373 --> 00:08:49,167
MINGIE:
We get somebody else to do it.
202
00:08:49,292 --> 00:08:52,128
The greatest investigative
reporter of our time.
203
00:08:53,963 --> 00:08:55,089
Mr. Rivera?
204
00:08:55,214 --> 00:08:56,341
What is it, Dmitri?
205
00:08:56,466 --> 00:08:58,346
There's somebody on the phone
to speak with you.
206
00:08:58,426 --> 00:08:59,862
He says he has inside
information for you
207
00:08:59,886 --> 00:09:01,429
that may discredit
Oprah Winfrey.
208
00:09:01,554 --> 00:09:03,473
[ Dramatic music plays ]
209
00:09:04,724 --> 00:09:06,184
This is Geraldo.
210
00:09:06,309 --> 00:09:07,435
MINGIE:
Hello, Geraldo.
211
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,438
I've got some information for
you you might find interesting.
212
00:09:10,563 --> 00:09:13,358
It could make Oprah Winfrey look
quite foolish.
213
00:09:13,483 --> 00:09:14,651
Who am I speaking with?
214
00:09:14,776 --> 00:09:16,819
GARY: He wants to know
who he's speaking with.
215
00:09:16,944 --> 00:09:20,073
MINGIE: Let's just say I work
very closely with Oprah.
216
00:09:20,198 --> 00:09:22,325
You'd like to see her
discredited, wouldn't you?
217
00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:23,993
What information do you have?
218
00:09:24,118 --> 00:09:25,119
MINGIE:
What'd he say?
219
00:09:25,244 --> 00:09:27,455
GARY: He wants to know
what information we have.
220
00:09:27,580 --> 00:09:28,974
MINGIE:
Just tell me what he says, Gary.
221
00:09:28,998 --> 00:09:30,726
Don't wait for me to ask you,
"What'd he say?"
222
00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:32,335
GARY:
Stop wasting my time.
223
00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:34,170
MINGIE:
Don't get snooty with me, Gary!
224
00:09:34,295 --> 00:09:36,130
GARY: I didn't say,
"Stop wasting my time."
225
00:09:36,255 --> 00:09:37,255
Geraldo did!
226
00:09:37,298 --> 00:09:38,591
What is going on here?
227
00:09:38,716 --> 00:09:40,027
MINGIE: All right, Gary.
This isn't working.
228
00:09:40,051 --> 00:09:41,844
Let's switch.
I'll listen and you talk.
229
00:09:44,555 --> 00:09:46,349
- GARY: Hello?
- Who is this?
230
00:09:46,474 --> 00:09:47,558
T-This is Gary.
231
00:09:47,684 --> 00:09:49,227
Gary who?
What is your last name?
232
00:09:49,352 --> 00:09:50,812
MINGIE:
Don't give away your name.
233
00:09:50,937 --> 00:09:52,206
We don't want him knowing
who we are.
234
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:53,106
GARY:
All right. Look.
235
00:09:53,231 --> 00:09:56,526
All you need to know is I'm
definitely not Oprah's asshole.
236
00:09:56,651 --> 00:09:57,860
MINGIE:
Oh, you stupid twit!
237
00:09:57,985 --> 00:09:59,821
GARY:
Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
238
00:09:59,946 --> 00:10:01,989
MINGIE: He didn't call you
a stupid twit. I did!
239
00:10:02,115 --> 00:10:04,325
Now, just tell him this.
240
00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:07,995
GARY: The writer of the book on
Oprah's "Book of the Month" club
241
00:10:08,121 --> 00:10:09,205
is a phony.
242
00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:10,832
He's not a person at all.
243
00:10:10,957 --> 00:10:12,500
He's a towel.
244
00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:15,044
A towel?
A talking towel?
245
00:10:15,169 --> 00:10:16,587
That doesn't make any sense.
246
00:10:16,713 --> 00:10:18,047
MINGIE:
Tell him he'd be surprised
247
00:10:18,172 --> 00:10:19,172
the things that can talk.
248
00:10:19,215 --> 00:10:21,759
GARY: You'd be surprised
the things that can talk.
249
00:10:21,884 --> 00:10:24,178
What proof do have
of this accusation?
250
00:10:24,303 --> 00:10:27,056
GARY: Just look into the author
of "A Million Little Fibers,"
251
00:10:27,181 --> 00:10:28,891
and you'll discover the truth.
252
00:10:29,016 --> 00:10:30,309
And how do I go about that?
253
00:10:30,435 --> 00:10:31,602
[ Click, dial tone ]
254
00:10:31,728 --> 00:10:34,059
Hello?
Hello?!
255
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,979
- [ Mid-tempo music plays ]
- MAN: This is "Larry King Live."
256
00:10:37,105 --> 00:10:39,816
My guest tonight
is Steven McTowelie,
257
00:10:39,941 --> 00:10:42,485
author of the acclaimed book
"A Million Little Fibers."
258
00:10:42,610 --> 00:10:44,153
How are you tonight, Steven?
259
00:10:44,278 --> 00:10:46,823
Well, Larry, I'm a little high.
260
00:10:46,948 --> 00:10:49,242
Your book has helped
a lot of people beat addiction.
261
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:50,451
What made you write it?
262
00:10:50,576 --> 00:10:54,205
Well, Larry, I was really just
writing down my memoirs as a --
263
00:10:54,330 --> 00:10:56,999
What? What's that?
Oh, excuse me, Steven.
264
00:10:57,125 --> 00:10:59,205
I understand that we have
a special report coming in.
265
00:10:59,293 --> 00:11:01,129
Joining us live
from Afghanistan,
266
00:11:01,254 --> 00:11:02,755
here is Geraldo Rivera.
267
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,298
[ Static ]
268
00:11:04,424 --> 00:11:06,843
Hello?
Larry, are you receiving me?
269
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:09,178
We're here, Geraldo.
You're live on the show.
270
00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:11,597
Larry, this brave reporter
has spent days
271
00:11:11,723 --> 00:11:13,224
investigating and researching,
272
00:11:13,349 --> 00:11:15,476
and I have come up with
a shocking discovery
273
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:19,147
that is going to rock the balls
and ass of the literary world.
274
00:11:19,272 --> 00:11:22,692
Steven McTowelie, author
of "A Million Little Fibers"...
275
00:11:22,817 --> 00:11:25,361
is a to we I.
276
00:11:25,486 --> 00:11:26,738
You're a towel!
277
00:11:26,863 --> 00:11:28,948
No, you're a towel.
278
00:11:29,073 --> 00:11:30,658
Well, you're a beaner towel.
279
00:11:30,783 --> 00:11:31,951
What did you say?
280
00:11:32,076 --> 00:11:34,662
I'm sorry.
I'm high.
281
00:11:34,787 --> 00:11:36,122
This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
282
00:11:36,247 --> 00:11:39,417
Your fans look to you to be
all-knowing and all-seeing,
283
00:11:39,542 --> 00:11:40,769
and you've just spent two weeks
284
00:11:40,793 --> 00:11:43,296
supporting a lying,
racist towel.
285
00:11:43,421 --> 00:11:46,257
MINGIE: He did it, Gary!
Geraldo got the proof!
286
00:11:46,382 --> 00:11:48,342
GARY:
Oprah's got egg all over face!
287
00:11:48,468 --> 00:11:49,886
She'll have to retire!
288
00:11:50,011 --> 00:11:52,091
MINGIE: It's the beginning
of a new life for us, Gar.
289
00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:53,765
Without her career
to worry about,
290
00:11:53,890 --> 00:11:55,892
Oprah's sure to travel
the world,
291
00:11:56,017 --> 00:11:57,852
enjoy the finer things in life.
292
00:11:57,977 --> 00:12:01,022
She'll spend hours just playing
with her ol' minge.
293
00:12:01,147 --> 00:12:02,565
GARY:
And her Gary, too?
294
00:12:02,690 --> 00:12:04,150
MINGIE:
Sure, and her Gary.
295
00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:05,401
We did it, mate!
296
00:12:05,526 --> 00:12:07,779
Oprah, we need to figure out
what we're going to do!
297
00:12:07,904 --> 00:12:10,364
What's the big deal?
His book helped people.
298
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:12,617
Why does it matter
that he made some stuff up?
299
00:12:12,742 --> 00:12:15,077
Are people really going to be
that mad?
300
00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:17,246
[ Crowd shouting ]
301
00:12:20,958 --> 00:12:23,294
Your book got me to give up
alcohol!
302
00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:25,421
But I thought you were a person!
303
00:12:25,546 --> 00:12:28,174
Yeah, we want our money back,
you dumb towel!
304
00:12:29,550 --> 00:12:31,552
MEN:
No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
305
00:12:31,677 --> 00:12:34,096
No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
306
00:12:34,222 --> 00:12:37,517
Oh, God.
I'm really in trouble now.
307
00:12:37,642 --> 00:12:39,310
[ Telephone rings ]
308
00:12:39,435 --> 00:12:40,686
Hello?
309
00:12:40,812 --> 00:12:42,146
Steven, it's Oprah.
310
00:12:42,271 --> 00:12:44,565
Can you come on my show
again tomorrow?
311
00:12:44,690 --> 00:12:45,358
Why?
312
00:12:45,483 --> 00:12:47,235
We need to tell the audience
313
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,362
why you changed some
of the facts in your book,
314
00:12:49,487 --> 00:12:52,198
that you thought it necessary
to heighten certain things
315
00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:55,034
to make the book more relevant
to people.
316
00:12:55,618 --> 00:12:57,203
Hey, yeah.
317
00:12:57,328 --> 00:12:58,328
Just come on the show
318
00:12:58,371 --> 00:13:00,164
and explain
in a very level-headed way
319
00:13:00,289 --> 00:13:01,999
that changing some facts
shouldn't matter
320
00:13:02,124 --> 00:13:04,126
if the book helps people, okay?
321
00:13:04,252 --> 00:13:05,294
Okay!
322
00:13:05,419 --> 00:13:08,339
Thanks, Oprah.
You're a real friend.
323
00:13:08,464 --> 00:13:09,757
See you tomorrow!
324
00:13:10,341 --> 00:13:12,385
All right.
I've got one chance here.
325
00:13:12,510 --> 00:13:15,304
I need to focus and come up
with what I'm gonna say.
326
00:13:15,429 --> 00:13:17,557
Maybe I should get
a little high.
327
00:13:17,682 --> 00:13:18,891
No.
Wait a minute!
328
00:13:19,016 --> 00:13:20,685
I'm not gonna get high
this time.
329
00:13:20,810 --> 00:13:22,270
Aw, come on.
330
00:13:22,395 --> 00:13:25,606
You need to come up with ideas
of what to say on "Oprah."
331
00:13:25,731 --> 00:13:27,859
But the ideas I come up with
when I'm high
332
00:13:27,984 --> 00:13:29,527
keep getting me in trouble.
333
00:13:29,652 --> 00:13:33,823
Yeah, that's why you should
only get a little high.
334
00:13:33,948 --> 00:13:37,326
Well, maybe just a little high.
335
00:13:37,451 --> 00:13:40,788
[ Up-tempo music plays,
crowd cheering ]
336
00:13:40,913 --> 00:13:44,000
Today, my guest is once again
Steven McTowelie,
337
00:13:44,125 --> 00:13:45,751
whose memoirs
many of you purchased
338
00:13:45,877 --> 00:13:48,212
after I made it my
"Book of the Month" selection!
339
00:13:50,548 --> 00:13:52,842
MINGIE: You hear that, Gary?
Nobody's applaudin'!
340
00:13:52,967 --> 00:13:54,886
GARY: Yeah.
They're all right pissed off!
341
00:13:55,011 --> 00:13:56,178
This is great!
342
00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:59,140
Now, it turns out that your name
isn't really Steven.
343
00:13:59,265 --> 00:14:00,683
It's Towelie, correct?
344
00:14:00,808 --> 00:14:01,808
Yeah.
345
00:14:01,893 --> 00:14:03,352
And you a re a towel.
346
00:14:03,477 --> 00:14:05,938
Yes, I'm pretty much a towel,
Oprah.
347
00:14:06,063 --> 00:14:07,607
Can you explain to the audience
348
00:14:07,732 --> 00:14:10,026
why you said
you weren't a towel before?
349
00:14:10,151 --> 00:14:13,195
Well, Oprah, I was all, like...
350
00:14:13,321 --> 00:14:16,365
Um... w-well, they're all like...
It's like...
351
00:14:16,490 --> 00:14:18,451
Was it that you thought
embellishing the story
352
00:14:18,576 --> 00:14:20,912
was okay if it helped people?
353
00:14:21,037 --> 00:14:22,622
Yeah!
Yeah, that's it!
354
00:14:22,747 --> 00:14:24,206
Well, you know what I think,
Towelie?
355
00:14:24,332 --> 00:14:28,002
I think you're a lying sack
shit.
356
00:14:28,127 --> 00:14:29,503
[ Dramatic music plays ]
357
00:14:29,629 --> 00:14:32,423
You lied to all these people,
and for what?
358
00:14:32,548 --> 00:14:34,133
To make money!
359
00:14:34,258 --> 00:14:36,844
They bought your book
thinking it was true!
360
00:14:36,969 --> 00:14:38,387
- Yeah! That's right!
- Yeah.
361
00:14:38,512 --> 00:14:39,597
But I thought you said --
362
00:14:39,722 --> 00:14:43,100
How dare you lie to me
and make me look foolish?
363
00:14:43,225 --> 00:14:45,436
MINGIE: What's this?
What's she doin'?!
364
00:14:45,561 --> 00:14:47,229
GARY:
I don't understand, Mingie!
365
00:14:47,355 --> 00:14:49,982
You think writing is a joke,
you stupid towel!
366
00:14:50,107 --> 00:14:51,484
Yeah.
You -- You get him, Oprah!
367
00:14:51,609 --> 00:14:52,735
ALL:
Yeah!
368
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:54,654
You will not get away with this.
369
00:14:54,779 --> 00:14:56,822
MINGIE: She's getting everyone
back on her side!
370
00:14:56,948 --> 00:14:58,491
Oh, the clever cow!
371
00:14:58,616 --> 00:15:00,159
You lied to me, Towelie,
372
00:15:00,284 --> 00:15:02,787
and therefore,
you have lied to America.
373
00:15:02,912 --> 00:15:05,414
We are going to rise up
against you!
374
00:15:05,539 --> 00:15:06,832
ALL:
Yeah!
375
00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:10,795
Is this audience ready for
a good old-fashioned lynching?
376
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,421
ALL:
Yeah!
377
00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:13,339
Huh?!
378
00:15:13,464 --> 00:15:15,299
Audience, if you look
under your seats,
379
00:15:15,424 --> 00:15:18,719
you'll find
your very own torches!
380
00:15:18,844 --> 00:15:21,263
[Audience murmuring ]
381
00:15:21,389 --> 00:15:24,600
GARY: Minge! Does this mean
I have to wait to see Paris?
382
00:15:24,725 --> 00:15:26,352
MINGIE:
There's not gonna be any Paris.
383
00:15:26,477 --> 00:15:28,020
Don't you get it, Gary?
384
00:15:28,145 --> 00:15:30,314
The fat cow got everyone
on her side again!
385
00:15:30,439 --> 00:15:32,149
She'll be working
more than ever now!
386
00:15:32,274 --> 00:15:34,402
- Our plan is ruined!
- GARY: No!
387
00:15:34,527 --> 00:15:37,029
We'll give you
a five-second head start!
388
00:15:37,154 --> 00:15:38,364
One, two!
389
00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:39,365
Aah!
390
00:15:39,490 --> 00:15:40,574
Let's get him!
391
00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:42,868
Burn him!
392
00:15:42,994 --> 00:15:44,328
Burn the towel!
393
00:15:44,453 --> 00:15:47,331
Burn that which lies to Oprah!
394
00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:50,084
[ Dramatic music plays ]
395
00:15:50,209 --> 00:15:52,336
[ Crowd shouting ]
396
00:15:53,713 --> 00:15:56,841
[ Rattling ]
397
00:15:58,134 --> 00:15:59,969
Looks like your time is up,
Towelie!
398
00:16:00,094 --> 00:16:02,805
I've lead my adoring fans
right to you!
399
00:16:02,930 --> 00:16:05,766
- All right, Oprah!
- Yeah!
400
00:16:05,891 --> 00:16:07,977
I've shown my fans that --
401
00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:10,354
Ugh! Ow! Wha--
402
00:16:10,479 --> 00:16:11,856
[ Gun cocks ]
403
00:16:11,981 --> 00:16:14,108
MINGIE:
All right! Everyone back!
404
00:16:14,233 --> 00:16:15,276
Get back, I said!
405
00:16:15,401 --> 00:16:17,570
[ Crowd screaming ]
406
00:16:19,989 --> 00:16:21,574
What the hell is this?
407
00:16:21,699 --> 00:16:23,868
MINGIE:
Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
408
00:16:23,993 --> 00:16:25,953
GARY:
Mingie! What are you doing?
409
00:16:26,078 --> 00:16:28,456
MINGIE: We're getting out of
here, Gary, one way or another!
410
00:16:30,041 --> 00:16:31,834
What is going on?
411
00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:34,420
MINGIE: Shut up!
Shut up, you miserable old cow!
412
00:16:34,545 --> 00:16:36,630
Or so help me,
I'll blow your brains out!
413
00:16:36,756 --> 00:16:39,050
I want a chopper -- you got that?
--
414
00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:41,093
and a jet waiting
at the airport!
415
00:16:41,218 --> 00:16:43,846
GARY:
Mingie, have you lost your mind?
416
00:16:43,971 --> 00:16:45,056
MINGIE:
Come on, Gary.
417
00:16:45,181 --> 00:16:47,183
You said you always
wanted to see Paris.
418
00:16:47,308 --> 00:16:50,936
GARY: Not like this, Mingie.
Not like this!
419
00:16:51,062 --> 00:16:52,480
All right.
The gig is up.
420
00:16:52,605 --> 00:16:53,856
Just put down the gun.
421
00:16:53,981 --> 00:16:55,066
MINGIE:
Stay back, mate!
422
00:16:55,191 --> 00:16:56,650
Drop the gun and step away.
423
00:16:56,776 --> 00:16:57,985
MINGIE:
I'm warning you!
424
00:16:58,110 --> 00:16:59,695
- Put it down, I said!
- [ Gunshot ]
425
00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:01,822
[ Groans ]
426
00:17:02,406 --> 00:17:05,076
GARY:
Jesus, Minge! You killed him!
427
00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:06,952
You shot him dead!
428
00:17:07,078 --> 00:17:08,537
MINGIE:
No turning back now, Gary.
429
00:17:08,662 --> 00:17:11,415
GARY: Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna be sick!
430
00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:12,666
Keep your head, Gary!
431
00:17:12,792 --> 00:17:15,753
GARY:
I can't. I'm gonna puke!
432
00:17:15,878 --> 00:17:17,838
[ Vomits ]
433
00:17:17,963 --> 00:17:19,965
MINGIE:
Oh, Gary, that smells awful.
434
00:17:20,091 --> 00:17:21,509
Now I'm gonna throw up!
435
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:23,803
[ Vomiting ]
436
00:17:25,471 --> 00:17:27,932
Try to leave,
and I'll shoot you, too!
437
00:17:28,057 --> 00:17:29,767
You hostages aren't going
anywhere
438
00:17:29,892 --> 00:17:31,227
until we get what we want!
439
00:17:31,352 --> 00:17:33,187
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
440
00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:35,898
You got us into this, towel.
Think of something!
441
00:17:36,023 --> 00:17:38,150
All right.
I'm gonna get a little high.
442
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,987
No!
No, I'm not gonna get high!
443
00:17:42,113 --> 00:17:43,572
Every time I get high,
444
00:17:43,697 --> 00:17:46,325
I come up with ideas
that get me in more trouble.
445
00:17:46,450 --> 00:17:48,744
I'm not getting high this time!
446
00:17:48,874 --> 00:17:51,293
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
447
00:17:53,545 --> 00:17:57,007
I'm standing in the business
district of central Chicago,
448
00:17:57,132 --> 00:17:59,759
where Oprah's vagina
has killed a police officer
449
00:17:59,885 --> 00:18:02,012
and taken several people
hostage.
450
00:18:02,137 --> 00:18:03,597
It is yet unconfirmed
but believed
451
00:18:03,722 --> 00:18:06,975
that Oprah's asshole may be
an accomplice in this as well.
452
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:11,354
We got the walkie-talkie
you asked for.
453
00:18:11,479 --> 00:18:13,565
MINGIE:
Put it underneath me.
454
00:18:13,690 --> 00:18:16,234
Slowly, mate!
Slowly!
455
00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:17,569
Now back off.
456
00:18:19,195 --> 00:18:21,281
All right, Gary.
Squeeze the walkie button.
457
00:18:21,406 --> 00:18:23,408
- [ Click, static ]
- This is Oprah's minge.
458
00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:26,077
Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson.
What are your demands?
459
00:18:26,202 --> 00:18:29,122
MINGIE: I want a chopper
and a jet waiting at the airport
460
00:18:29,247 --> 00:18:30,457
to take us to France.
461
00:18:30,582 --> 00:18:32,417
Plus, we need some
fresh knickers right away.
462
00:18:32,542 --> 00:18:35,795
All right. How about fresh
underwear for one hostage?
463
00:18:35,921 --> 00:18:37,681
MINGIE: I'm not playing games
with you, mate!
464
00:18:37,756 --> 00:18:39,591
Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
465
00:18:39,716 --> 00:18:42,302
All right. We'll work on it.
Don't do anything foolish.
466
00:18:42,427 --> 00:18:43,303
We don't have any time.
467
00:18:43,428 --> 00:18:45,555
This is the most unstable vagina
I've ever talked to.
468
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:46,932
O'Reilly, you got a shot?
469
00:18:47,057 --> 00:18:48,099
I got it.
470
00:18:49,643 --> 00:18:51,311
Not with those hostages
so close!
471
00:18:51,436 --> 00:18:52,436
It's too risky!
472
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:54,481
GARY:
Just put down the gun, Mingie.
473
00:18:54,606 --> 00:18:56,441
Maybe they'll go easy on us.
474
00:18:56,566 --> 00:18:59,152
MINGIE: Don't be stupid, Gary.
I've killed a policeman.
475
00:18:59,277 --> 00:19:01,947
They'll fry me
and lock you up for life.
476
00:19:02,072 --> 00:19:04,783
GARY:
Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!
477
00:19:04,908 --> 00:19:06,177
MINGIE: We're gonna get out
of here, mate.
478
00:19:06,201 --> 00:19:07,201
Just leave it to me.
479
00:19:07,285 --> 00:19:09,412
Oprah's vagina,
this is your last warning.
480
00:19:09,537 --> 00:19:10,914
Put down the gun.
481
00:19:11,039 --> 00:19:12,850
MINGIE: If that chopper
isn't here in two minutes,
482
00:19:12,874 --> 00:19:14,709
I'm killing a hostage!
483
00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:16,378
Hey.
Wait a minute.
484
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,922
[ Dramatic music plays ]
485
00:19:25,387 --> 00:19:27,180
Psst!
486
00:19:28,181 --> 00:19:29,057
MINGIE:
I mean it!
487
00:19:29,182 --> 00:19:31,559
Hostages are gonna start dyin'
if you don't listen!
488
00:19:34,145 --> 00:19:35,397
Hostages are clear!
489
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,190
All right. That's it.
Take it out.
490
00:19:37,941 --> 00:19:38,733
Aah!
491
00:19:38,858 --> 00:19:40,485
MINGIE: What the...
[ Chuckles ]
492
00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:42,445
You missed me,
you stupid buggers!
493
00:19:42,570 --> 00:19:45,115
You see that, Gary?
They can't even aim!
494
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,951
GARY: [ Weakly ]
Min-- Mingie?
495
00:19:48,076 --> 00:19:49,516
MINGIE:
Gary, what's -- what's wrong?
496
00:19:49,619 --> 00:19:50,829
GARY:
They got me, Mingie.
497
00:19:50,954 --> 00:19:52,998
MINGIE:
No. Oh, no!
498
00:19:53,123 --> 00:19:55,959
GARY:
Oh. They got me bad.
499
00:19:56,084 --> 00:19:57,585
Oh, the blood!
500
00:19:57,711 --> 00:19:59,087
MINGIE:
Try to hang on, Gar!
501
00:19:59,212 --> 00:20:01,006
GARY: [ Grunts ]
It's gettin' dark, Minge.
502
00:20:01,131 --> 00:20:04,009
MINGIE: Oh, Gary.
What have I got you into?
503
00:20:04,134 --> 00:20:07,262
GARY: I'm seeing my life
flash before me eyes.
504
00:20:07,387 --> 00:20:08,722
Mingie?!
505
00:20:08,847 --> 00:20:09,848
MINGIE:
I'm here, Gar!
506
00:20:09,973 --> 00:20:12,350
GARY:
Where -- Where are we, Mingie?
507
00:20:12,475 --> 00:20:14,185
Are we in Paris?
508
00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:17,397
MINGIE: Yeah.
Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
509
00:20:17,522 --> 00:20:20,525
GARY: [ Whimpers ]
Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
510
00:20:20,650 --> 00:20:21,901
MINGIE:
I-It's beautiful.
511
00:20:22,027 --> 00:20:23,421
[ Voice breaking ]
We finally made it.
512
00:20:23,445 --> 00:20:25,321
GARY:
Tell me what you see, Mingie.
513
00:20:25,447 --> 00:20:28,908
MINGIE: Well, there's the Eiffel
Tower right in front of us,
514
00:20:29,034 --> 00:20:31,036
the Louvre right over there
behind you,
515
00:20:31,161 --> 00:20:33,371
and fresh baguettes all around!
516
00:20:33,496 --> 00:20:37,167
GARY: Ah.
I can smell 'em, Mingie.
517
00:20:37,292 --> 00:20:40,754
At least I got to see Paris
before I...
518
00:20:40,879 --> 00:20:43,089
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
519
00:20:43,214 --> 00:20:44,466
MINGIE:
Gary?
520
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:45,967
Gary, say something!
521
00:20:46,092 --> 00:20:47,927
GARY:
[ Farts ]
522
00:20:48,053 --> 00:20:49,804
MINGIE:
You killed him, you bastards!
523
00:20:49,929 --> 00:20:51,765
He didn't even want any part
in this!
524
00:20:51,890 --> 00:20:54,100
This all your fault,
you stupid cow!
525
00:20:54,225 --> 00:20:58,021
You never gave your ol' Gary the
time of day, and now he's gone!
526
00:20:58,146 --> 00:20:59,898
Life ain't worth living anymore.
527
00:21:00,023 --> 00:21:01,524
What's the use?!
528
00:21:01,649 --> 00:21:03,485
- I'm coming to see you, Gary!
- [ Gun cocks ]
529
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:04,736
I'm coming to see you!
530
00:21:04,861 --> 00:21:06,529
No!
Don't!
531
00:21:06,654 --> 00:21:09,115
[ Gunshot ]
532
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,117
[ Siren wails ]
533
00:21:11,242 --> 00:21:13,536
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
534
00:21:15,955 --> 00:21:18,041
Oprah's going to be okay.
535
00:21:18,166 --> 00:21:21,336
Wish I could say the same
for her vagina and asshole.
536
00:21:21,461 --> 00:21:22,796
That's a great idea you had
537
00:21:22,921 --> 00:21:24,798
to sneak the hostages
inside the bank.
538
00:21:24,923 --> 00:21:25,965
Yeah, it sure was.
539
00:21:26,091 --> 00:21:28,468
We're sorry we tried to burn you
and murder you before.
540
00:21:28,593 --> 00:21:29,928
Oh, that's okay.
541
00:21:30,053 --> 00:21:32,013
This whole thing was my fault.
542
00:21:32,138 --> 00:21:37,602
I learned that I shouldn't
get high to come up with ideas.
543
00:21:37,727 --> 00:21:39,020
I should come up with ideas
544
00:21:39,145 --> 00:21:41,481
and then get high
to reward myself.
545
00:21:42,107 --> 00:21:43,942
You said it!
39879
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