Original subtitles

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

Hi. Welcome to P.F. Chang's.

How spicy would you like me to make your Chang Sauce?

Chris, the people at table 3 need their check.

I know. I'm swamped!

- I've got no help here! - What about the new waiter?

The new waiter is useless.

And I think he's high.

How spicy would you like your Chang Sauce?

Can we just place our order, please?

Oh, man. I have no idea what's going on.

Everything okay here?

Fine, except this towel

has been mixing Chang Sauce for 15 minutes.

He's clueless.

Don't call me shoeless!

You're shoeless!

Yeah. Well, you're a towel.

You're a towel!

All right. That's it. Get out of here. You're fired!

Yeah!

Not him, you!

Aww.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Oh, man. I really screwed up this time.

The rent's due at the end of the month,

and I don't have any money!

I need to shape up and find a new job quick!

But first maybe I'll get a little high.

Wait. Here it comes.

A good idea is coming.

Yeah. Hey, yeah!

I should become a writer!

If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published

and then make plenty of money to pay rent!

I'll bet people can't wait to read my memoirs.

"A Million... Little Fibers."

"By Toweleeeie."

This is a really good idea.

Uh-huh.

Mm.

Yes. Yes, I see.

Well, that's quite a fascinating story --

you being engineered as a towel

with a computer chip that determines dryness.

Yep. And it's all true!

Chapters 4 through 8, however,

seem to all be about Doritos brand corn chips.

I guess I could edit those chapters down some.

Don't bother.

I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,

but nobody is ever going to publish your memoirs.

Huh?! Why not?

Well, just the small, trivial fact

that people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels.

Well, yeah, but maybe people will read my memoirs

and, like, apply its lessons to their own lives.

No, they won't.

Because they're people.

And you're a towel.

You're a towel.

No, I'm a big book publisher

who's not the least bit interested

in your stony memoirs.

You're a towel.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Now what am I gonna do?

I got to pay rent,

and I just wasted three weeks writing my memoirs.

It's time for me to stop being so irresponsible.

I've got to shape up, focus,

and come up with real solutions to my problems.

I'd better get a little high.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't.

But you have to think of something fast,

and getting high makes you smart.

All right.

I'll just use my special getting-high powers

one more time.

Hey. Hey, wait a minute!

Of course! That's it!

Why didn't I think of it before?!

"All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel."

"Person."

"I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune

than other towels."

"People."

This is a really good idea.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe a human being has led this kind of life,

Mister...

McTowelie. Steven McTowelie.

It's heartbreaking passages like this one --

"I am a person who often gets hung out to dry

by all those around me."

I know this company would be honored to publish this book.

I just have one small question first.

You're not... a towel, are you?

No.

If I was a towel,

why would I be wearing this hat and this fake mustache?

Right. I'm sorry.

Well, Steven, if it's all right with you,

I'm going to get our agents and lawyers on the phone.

We're in business, sir.

All right!

[ Up-tempo music plays, crowd cheering ]

Thank you so much!

Once in a while, I come across a book

that is so honest and so moving that it changes my life.

"A Million Little Fibers" is the true story

of a man who was born in a laboratory.

Please welcome author Steven McTowelie!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself,

"How can a human being go through all this

and still turn out okay?"

Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow--

person!

You talk in your book how you would sometimes

have to spend days hung up on a rack.

What would that do to you emotionally?

You have been through so much,

and I think that people all over America...

MINGIE: [ British accent ] Oh, God. There she goes again.

Babbling about people's lives and carrying on.

She hasn't paid any attention to me in years!

A life that kept getting up whenever it was down...

MINGIE: Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge.

All she does is work.

Never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again.

A minge needs attention!

At least a scratch once in a while!

Well, Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet,

but I have some pretty exciting news for you.

MINGIE: Used to be a time

when Oprah would play with me night and day.

She'd pet me for hours, using every finger.

But now I just sit here... in the dark.

Not even so much as a pinkie.

I should write a book.

It'd be much more depressing than his.

And so, Steven, I am making your book

my official "Book of the Month" selection!

- Really? - [ Cheers and applause ]

Wow! I'm gonna get super-rich now!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Uh-huh. Okay. Well, listen.

Maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th.

Is John Travolta available

to be a guest the week after that?

Okay. That might work better since it's sweeps week.

MINGIE: Can't take it anymore.

All she ever does is work, work, work.

Never pays attention to the ol' minge.

I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits.

I want attention.

I'm bloody bored!

GARY: [ British accent ] Oh, stop your complainin'!

I'm trying to sleep back here!

MINGIE: Oi, who's that? Is that you, Gary?

GARY: Yes, it's me.

You think you got it bad?

Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.

MINGIE: Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole.

I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation!

GARY: Assholes need stimulation, too, you bastard.

I want to travel. I want to see Paris.

I thought life was going to get better.

But Oprah's always busy.

Working and working, dieting and not dieting.

I'm either puking up mounds of chocolate cake

or teaspoons of wheat grass.

MINGIE: She's a workaholic.

Let's face it --

The only way we're gonna get any attention

is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.

GARY: Well, that will never happen.

MINGIE: Not unless she gets fired.

GARY: Fired? You got a plan, Mingie?

MINGIE: That bloke on the show today,

the one Oprah supported -- He isn't a bloke at all.

He's a towel.

GARY: Oh. How do you know?

MINGIE: I'm a minge.

Minges know a towel when they hear one.

If evidence gets out

that Oprah's champion author is a towel,

she'll look right foolish.

Fans will start dropping off by the millions.

GARY: How do we get proof?

MINGIE: We get somebody else to do it.

The greatest investigative reporter of our time.

Mr. Rivera?

What is it, Dmitri?

There's somebody on the phone to speak with you.

He says he has inside information for you

that may discredit Oprah Winfrey.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

This is Geraldo.

MINGIE: Hello, Geraldo.

I've got some information for you you might find interesting.

It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.

Who am I speaking with?

GARY: He wants to know who he's speaking with.

MINGIE: Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah.

You'd like to see her discredited, wouldn't you?

What information do you have?

MINGIE: What'd he say?

GARY: He wants to know what information we have.

MINGIE: Just tell me what he says, Gary.

Don't wait for me to ask you, "What'd he say?"

GARY: Stop wasting my time.

MINGIE: Don't get snooty with me, Gary!

GARY: I didn't say, "Stop wasting my time."

Geraldo did!

What is going on here?

MINGIE: All right, Gary. This isn't working.

Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk.

- GARY: Hello? - Who is this?

T-This is Gary.

Gary who? What is your last name?

MINGIE: Don't give away your name.

We don't want him knowing who we are.

GARY: All right. Look.

All you need to know is I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.

MINGIE: Oh, you stupid twit!

GARY: Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!

MINGIE: He didn't call you a stupid twit. I did!

Now, just tell him this.

GARY: The writer of the book on Oprah's "Book of the Month" club

is a phony.

He's not a person at all.

He's a towel.

A towel? A talking towel?

That doesn't make any sense.

MINGIE: Tell him he'd be surprised

the things that can talk.

GARY: You'd be surprised the things that can talk.

What proof do have of this accusation?

GARY: Just look into the author of "A Million Little Fibers,"

and you'll discover the truth.

And how do I go about that?

[ Click, dial tone ]

Hello? Hello?!

- [ Mid-tempo music plays ] - MAN: This is "Larry King Live."

My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie,

author of the acclaimed book "A Million Little Fibers."

How are you tonight, Steven?

Well, Larry, I'm a little high.

Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction.

What made you write it?

Well, Larry, I was really just writing down my memoirs as a --

What? What's that? Oh, excuse me, Steven.

I understand that we have a special report coming in.

Joining us live from Afghanistan,

here is Geraldo Rivera.

[ Static ]

Hello? Larry, are you receiving me?

We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show.

Larry, this brave reporter has spent days

investigating and researching,

and I have come up with a shocking discovery

that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world.

Steven McTowelie, author of "A Million Little Fibers"...

is a to we I.

You're a towel!

No, you're a towel.

Well, you're a beaner towel.

What did you say?

I'm sorry. I'm high.

This looks pretty bad, Oprah.

Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing,

and you've just spent two weeks

supporting a lying, racist towel.

MINGIE: He did it, Gary! Geraldo got the proof!

GARY: Oprah's got egg all over face!

She'll have to retire!

MINGIE: It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gar.

Without her career to worry about,

Oprah's sure to travel the world,

enjoy the finer things in life.

She'll spend hours just playing with her ol' minge.

GARY: And her Gary, too?

MINGIE: Sure, and her Gary.

We did it, mate!

Oprah, we need to figure out what we're going to do!

What's the big deal? His book helped people.

Why does it matter that he made some stuff up?

Are people really going to be that mad?

[ Crowd shouting ]

Your book got me to give up alcohol!

But I thought you were a person!

Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!

MEN: No insultar Mexicanos, olé!

No insultar Mexicanos, olé!

Oh, God. I'm really in trouble now.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello?

Steven, it's Oprah.

Can you come on my show again tomorrow?

Why?

We need to tell the audience

why you changed some of the facts in your book,

that you thought it necessary to heighten certain things

to make the book more relevant to people.

Hey, yeah.

Just come on the show

and explain in a very level-headed way

that changing some facts shouldn't matter

if the book helps people, okay?

Okay!

Thanks, Oprah. You're a real friend.

See you tomorrow!

All right. I've got one chance here.

I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say.

Maybe I should get a little high.

No. Wait a minute!

I'm not gonna get high this time.

Aw, come on.

You need to come up with ideas of what to say on "Oprah."

But the ideas I come up with when I'm high

keep getting me in trouble.

Yeah, that's why you should only get a little high.

Well, maybe just a little high.

[ Up-tempo music plays, crowd cheering ]

Today, my guest is once again Steven McTowelie,

whose memoirs many of you purchased

after I made it my "Book of the Month" selection!

MINGIE: You hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'!

GARY: Yeah. They're all right pissed off!

This is great!

Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven.

It's Towelie, correct?

Yeah.

And you a re a towel.

Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.

Can you explain to the audience

why you said you weren't a towel before?

Well, Oprah, I was all, like...

Um... w-well, they're all like... It's like...

Was it that you thought embellishing the story

was okay if it helped people?

Yeah! Yeah, that's it!

Well, you know what I think, Towelie?

I think you're a lying sack shit.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

You lied to all these people, and for what?

To make money!

They bought your book thinking it was true!

- Yeah! That's right! - Yeah.

But I thought you said --

How dare you lie to me and make me look foolish?

MINGIE: What's this? What's she doin'?!

GARY: I don't understand, Mingie!

You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel!

Yeah. You -- You get him, Oprah!

ALL: Yeah!

You will not get away with this.

MINGIE: She's getting everyone back on her side!

Oh, the clever cow!

You lied to me, Towelie,

and therefore, you have lied to America.

We are going to rise up against you!

ALL: Yeah!

Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?

ALL: Yeah!

Huh?!

Audience, if you look under your seats,

you'll find your very own torches!

[Audience murmuring ]

GARY: Minge! Does this mean I have to wait to see Paris?

MINGIE: There's not gonna be any Paris.

Don't you get it, Gary?

The fat cow got everyone on her side again!

She'll be working more than ever now!

- Our plan is ruined! - GARY: No!

We'll give you a five-second head start!

One, two!

Aah!

Let's get him!

Burn him!

Burn the towel!

Burn that which lies to Oprah!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Crowd shouting ]

[ Rattling ]

Looks like your time is up, Towelie!

I've lead my adoring fans right to you!

- All right, Oprah! - Yeah!

I've shown my fans that --

Ugh! Ow! Wha--

[ Gun cocks ]

MINGIE: All right! Everyone back!

Get back, I said!

[ Crowd screaming ]

What the hell is this?

MINGIE: Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

GARY: Mingie! What are you doing?

MINGIE: We're getting out of here, Gary, one way or another!

What is going on?

MINGIE: Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow!

Or so help me, I'll blow your brains out!

I want a chopper -- you got that? --

and a jet waiting at the airport!

GARY: Mingie, have you lost your mind?

MINGIE: Come on, Gary.

You said you always wanted to see Paris.

GARY: Not like this, Mingie. Not like this!

All right. The gig is up.

Just put down the gun.

MINGIE: Stay back, mate!

Drop the gun and step away.

MINGIE: I'm warning you!

- Put it down, I said! - [ Gunshot ]

[ Groans ]

GARY: Jesus, Minge! You killed him!

You shot him dead!

MINGIE: No turning back now, Gary.

GARY: Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick!

Keep your head, Gary!

GARY: I can't. I'm gonna puke!

[ Vomits ]

MINGIE: Oh, Gary, that smells awful.

Now I'm gonna throw up!

[ Vomiting ]

Try to leave, and I'll shoot you, too!

You hostages aren't going anywhere

until we get what we want!

Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?

You got us into this, towel. Think of something!

All right. I'm gonna get a little high.

No! No, I'm not gonna get high!

Every time I get high,

I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble.

I'm not getting high this time!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago,

where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer

and taken several people hostage.

It is yet unconfirmed but believed

that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.

We got the walkie-talkie you asked for.

MINGIE: Put it underneath me.

Slowly, mate! Slowly!

Now back off.

All right, Gary. Squeeze the walkie button.

- [ Click, static ] - This is Oprah's minge.

Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands?

MINGIE: I want a chopper and a jet waiting at the airport

to take us to France.

Plus, we need some fresh knickers right away.

All right. How about fresh underwear for one hostage?

MINGIE: I'm not playing games with you, mate!

Gary's drownin' in his own sick!

All right. We'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish.

We don't have any time.

This is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to.

O'Reilly, you got a shot?

I got it.

Not with those hostages so close!

It's too risky!

GARY: Just put down the gun, Mingie.

Maybe they'll go easy on us.

MINGIE: Don't be stupid, Gary. I've killed a policeman.

They'll fry me and lock you up for life.

GARY: Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!

MINGIE: We're gonna get out of here, mate.

Just leave it to me.

Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning.

Put down the gun.

MINGIE: If that chopper isn't here in two minutes,

I'm killing a hostage!

Hey. Wait a minute.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Psst!

MINGIE: I mean it!

Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen!

Hostages are clear!

All right. That's it. Take it out.

Aah!

MINGIE: What the... [ Chuckles ]

You missed me, you stupid buggers!

You see that, Gary? They can't even aim!

GARY: [ Weakly ] Min-- Mingie?

MINGIE: Gary, what's -- what's wrong?

GARY: They got me, Mingie.

MINGIE: No. Oh, no!

GARY: Oh. They got me bad.

Oh, the blood!

MINGIE: Try to hang on, Gar!

GARY: [ Grunts ] It's gettin' dark, Minge.

MINGIE: Oh, Gary. What have I got you into?

GARY: I'm seeing my life flash before me eyes.

Mingie?!

MINGIE: I'm here, Gar!

GARY: Where -- Where are we, Mingie?

Are we in Paris?

MINGIE: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.

GARY: [ Whimpers ] Is it as wonderful as I hoped?

MINGIE: I-It's beautiful.

[ Voice breaking ] We finally made it.

GARY: Tell me what you see, Mingie.

MINGIE: Well, there's the Eiffel Tower right in front of us,

the Louvre right over there behind you,

and fresh baguettes all around!

GARY: Ah. I can smell 'em, Mingie.

At least I got to see Paris before I...

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

MINGIE: Gary?

Gary, say something!

GARY: [ Farts ]

MINGIE: You killed him, you bastards!

He didn't even want any part in this!

This all your fault, you stupid cow!

You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day, and now he's gone!

Life ain't worth living anymore.

What's the use?!

- I'm coming to see you, Gary! - [ Gun cocks ]

I'm coming to see you!

No! Don't!

[ Gunshot ]

[ Siren wails ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Oprah's going to be okay.

Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole.

That's a great idea you had

to sneak the hostages inside the bank.

Yeah, it sure was.

We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before.

Oh, that's okay.

This whole thing was my fault.

I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas.

I should come up with ideas

and then get high to reward myself.

You said it!