Original subtitles

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

The popular cartoon "Family Guy"

is going to show the image of Muhammad uncensored!

If we all bury our heads in sand,

we can avoid being any part of this.

And I'm gonna do whatever I can

to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.

You just want "Family Guy" off the air.

[ Tires screeching ]

Kyle, stop it!

So long, Kyle!

You son of a bitch! I won't let you win!

Mr. President... there's something

about the "Family Guy" writing staff I think you should know.

MAN: And now the thrilling conclusion of "Cartoon Wars"...

will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you

this "Terrance & Phillip" television special!

[ Horn toots, mid-tempo jazz plays ]

[ Music continues ]

Say, Terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday

here at the Lazy "J" ranch?

It sure is, Phillip.

But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts.

[ Farts ]

[ Both laugh ]

Oh! Look who's coming!

Isn't that Muhammad, the holy prophet of the Muslim religion?

Hey, guys. How's it going?

Hello, Muhammad.

We've read all aboot you in the Qur'an.

I'm here to investigate a murder.

TERRANCE: All right! Just what the hell is going on here?!

You censored out the image of Muhammad

in our television special!

Eh. You guys know the rules.

Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore.

- It's dangerous. - But you ruined the whole show!

Look, I'm not going to risk the lives

of the people at this network.

Let's just forget aboot it, okay, guys?

[ Farts, laughs ]

Oh, come on, guys. Give me a break.

We demand you rerun "Mystery at the Lazy 'J' Ranch"

with Muhammad uncensored!

Eh! I run this network, not you guys!

And if you ask me,

your show has become so preachy and full of messages

that you've forgotten how to be funny!

No Muhammad!

But "Family Guy" is going to show Muhammad

on an episode that airs tonight!

I doubt it!

I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way

to Fox network to demand that that episode be pulled!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Ma'am, I need to speak with the president of this network

right away.

What is it regarding?

It's regarding "Family Guy."

I demand the Muhammad episode be pulled before it airs tonight.

It's incendiary, it's offensive to Muslims,

and people can get hurt.

It's wrong. It's wro-o-o-ng!

Okay, but if you've got a problem with "Family Guy,"

you'll have to wait in line.

That little boy over there has an appointment

to try and get "Family Guy" off the air altogether.

Dude, can I go before you?

Eat my shorts.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

What the hell is going on?

Hello?

Excuse me? I need to get to Los Angeles.

Hey!

Hello?!

...starting in a small town in central Colorado,

the idea has now spread all over America.

Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East,

demanding that "Family Guy" not air tonight's episode.

And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.

Osama bin Laden had this to say.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Bin Laden went on to say

that if "Family Guy" shows the image of Muhammad as planned,

the terrorist retaliation will be immediate.

[ Gun cocks ]

- You one of them? - Who?

How come your head ain't in the sand?

[ Muzak playing ]

So...you don't like "Family Guy" either, huh?

I hate "Family Guy."

So what's your plan?

You gonna ask the president of the network nicely

to take it off the air?

Not nicely.

Look, kid, if you hate a TV show,

all you have to do is get an episode pulled.

Pretty soon the show is compromised,

and it goes off the air.

Cool, man!

Yes.

So my plan is to use this whole Muhammad thing

as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show.

I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want.

Isn't that like terrorism?

No, it isn't like terrorism.

It is terrorism.

I can do that!

This is manipulation at its highest level.

You should let me handle this.

I'm a pretty bad kid.

Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done?

I stole the head off a statue once.

Wow. That's pretty hard-core.

Geez.

That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid,

so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.

You got it, man. You got it.

See ya.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I want to assure the American people that as president,

I have exhausted every possible solution.

Unfortunately, Muhammad will appear uncensored

on "Family Guy" tonight at 7:00.

ALL: Mr. President! Mr. President!

Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with?

Don't they know they're putting the country in danger?

I have come to understand

something about the "Family Guy" writing staff.

Suffice it to say that they will not be persuaded

by the possibility of violence.

ALL: Mr. President! Mr. President!

Mr. President! Mr. President!

What exactly did you learn

about the "Family Guy" writing staff, Mr. President?

I'm afraid that information is classified.

ALL: Aww!

Mr. President! Mr. President!

Mr. President, can't you force the "Family Guy" writing staff

not to write anything about Muhammad?

Couldn't you throw them in prison?

Look, the fact of the matter is the "Family Guy" writing staff

is protected by something called the First Amendment.

And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?

You know -- right to free speech.

ALL: Aww!

ALL: Mr. President! Mr. President!

Mr. President!

Mr. President, when your administration

came up with this First Amendment,

did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?

Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment.

It was already in place.

What do you intend to do

about this First Amendment, Mr. President?

Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment

sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-joo.

- Yeah! - That's right!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Okay. Let's discuss the fall lineup.

Sir, there's still one little boy out here

who wants to speak with you

about pulling the "Family Guy" episode.

All right. Let's get this over with.

Hello, gentlemen, ladies.

My name is little Danny Pocket,

and I won't take much of your time.

Please excuse my tiny crutch.

It's the only way I can get around these days.

Ow.

- Oh, poor kid. - Poor kid. Yeah.

You see, my father worked for a newspaper

in my native country of Denmark.

His newspaper showed an image of Muhammad,

and two days later, terrorists suicide-bombed his building.

I was in the lobby when it happened.

First one terrorist suicide-bombed us,

and then dozens more.

They just kept coming --

suicide bombers running in the building

and blowing up, one after another.

They were like Mexican jumping beans.

I just don't want to see people here at your studio getting hurt

because that would be, of course, your responsibility.

[ Coughs ] Ow.

I feel terrible.

It's so easy to put terrorism out of mind

until one of its victims is staring you in the face.

Sir, if we pull the episode,

the "Family Guy" writing staff will refuse to work again.

Little boy, will you talk to the "Family Guy" writing staff?

If your story touches their hearts like it has ours,

perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode.

I'll certainly do my best. [ Coughs ] Ow.

Take this noble child over to the "Family Guy" offices.

If he can scare them like he has us,

maybe we can pull the Muhammad episode after all.

Yes. And then "Family Guy" is as good as dead.

What was what?

I-I said thank you. Thank you for listening.

Thanks a lot for the ride.

Hey, it's the least I could do.

I hope you succeed, kid.

I really don't want to see "Family Guy" go off the air.

I love that show!

I'll do everything I can.

I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that.

At least it doesn't get all preachy

and up its own ass with messages, you know?

Excuse me!

Do you know which way the network president's office is?

Who wants to know?

Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network

into getting "Family Guy" off the air.

The network president's office is in there.

Oh. Thanks, dude.

No problem, man.

Hello?

This can't be right. I -- [ Grunts ]

Cowabunga, motherfucker!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Hello, Mitchell.

Oh, hi, Ms. Travis.

The president has asked that little Danny Pocket here

speak with the "Family Guy" writing staff.

Are you sure?

They're working on a new episode right now.

It won't take long, sir.

[ Coughs ] Ow.

All right. I'll take him back.

Follow me, little Danny.

You must be excited.

Not many people get to meet our writing staff.

Yes. I'm totally excited.

"Family Guy" is so funny.

Well, here we are.

Danny, the "Family Guy" writing staff.

What?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

- What are they? - They're manatees.

Gretchen and Flubber are from the Gulf of Mexico.

Tigger, Pete, and Lucy are from the Caribbean Sea.

"Family Guy" is written by manatees?

Of course. It all makes sense now.

They really are brilliant creatures.

You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls.

Each idea ball has a verb, noun,

or pop-culture reference written on it.

There's millions of them.

The manatees choose an idea ball

and swim it to the joke combine on the other side of the tank.

There goes Gretchen! She's coming up with an idea!

Oh, she came up with Gary Coleman.

The idea balls drop into the joke combine

and form a part of the new script.

"Laundry," "date," "winning," "Mexico," "Gary Coleman."

A perfect "Family Guy" joke!

I can see it now!

Peter, you didn't do the laundry today.

You think that's bad?

Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?

- [ Mariachi music playing ] - ¿Qué pasó, señors?

What you talking 'bout, Willis?

W-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

These manatees demanded that Muhammad be shown?

How? Manatees don't talk!

When Fox censored the image of Muhammad last week,

it also meant that the Muhammad ball

had to come out of the idea tank.

It made the manatees very upset.

Pull just one idea ball out of the idea tank,

and the manatees stop working.

Here. I'll show you. Keith?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

All right. All right. Put it back in!

Manatees are very ethical writers.

Either everything is okay to write about or nothing is.

Anyway, the president of the network

wanted you to speak with the manatees?

Oh. Yes, yes.

Um...hello, manatees.

I-I think you should allow the network

to pull your episode with Muhammad.

See, I'm the victim of a-a terrorist attack,

and terrorists might come after you if --

- That isn't gonna work on them. - Why not?

Don't you know anything about manatees?

They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved

by terrorist threats.

Son of a bitch.

[ Grunting ]

Let me out of here, kid. Why are you doing this?!

CARTMAN: Well, well, well.

- Cartman! - Hello, Kyle.

Looks like you've run into a little snag

in your plan as well.

You fat son of a bitch!

You came so close to stopping me, didn't you, Kyle?

There was just one thing you didn't count on --

that more people besides me hate "Family Guy."

Yeah.

Well, a lot of people like "Family Guy," too!

Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?!

Shut up! You shut your fucking face, man!

Did it work?

Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?

Not yet, but I've come up with a new plan.

I've learned how to make the "Family Guy" writing staff

stop working.

As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break,

I can sneak back in.

Cool, man.

Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!

Good, Kyle!

That's good anger you're showing there!

You see that?

That's emotional character development

based on what's happening in the story line.

Not at all like "Family Guy."

Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle,

I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.

What?!

I don't understand it.

What's wrong with them?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

We don't know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.

But nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?

No, sir. None of us did.

Then why are they refusing to write?

I agreed to show Muhammad uncensored!

I did what you asked!

What do you want from me?!

Sir, sir.

If you don't mind my saying, I think you asked for this.

You gave in to the manatees last week.

Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work

and they can get whatever they want.

You've spoiled them by caving in.

Now they think they can walk all over you.

Sir, you are in charge of this network, not them.

Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge.

You're right.

It's time I stop letting these prima donna manatees

tell me what to do!

I'm pulling the Muhammad episode!

You got that?!

And if you all don't want to work tomorrow,

you can just find other jobs!

How long before "Family Guy" is supposed to air?

25 minutes.

I got to hurry!

I did it.

I...am...God!

♪ "Family Guy" is goin' off the air ♪

♪ No more "Family Guy" for me, mon frère ♪

Cartman!

You fucking fat ass.

How the hell did you get out?

That kid and I had a long talk.

I told him he was on a slippery slope

to becoming a monster like you.

Oh, God damn it,

you gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?

You are not killing "Family Guy."

You're too late, Kyle.

The president of the network is pulling the episode.

"Family Guy" is as good as dead.

There's still time to tell the network president

you're full of crap!

I can't let you do that.

Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass!

Fine, Kyle.

I guess it was inevitable.

Let this be our final battle.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Aah!

Ow. Ow! Stop it!

Kyle, that's too hard! Ow!

[ Grunts ] Kyle, stop it!

Ow! Quit it!

Quit it, Kyle! Let -- Kyle!

[ Grunts ]

- Stop it! - Quit it!

Quit it, Kyle! Let -- Kyle!

Let -- Okay, okay. Time out!

Time out! Kyle! Time out! Time out! Time out!

Time in!

I -- Ow! [ Grunting ]

Okay, okay! Time out! Kyle! Time out! Time out! Time out!

- No more time-outs, fat-ass! - Time out! Time out! Time out!

Time out, Kyle.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Both grunting ]

- Kyle -- - [ Grunts ]

Get the -- Kyle.

Kyle, dude, that was -- that was in the balls!

Dude, seriously! Seriously! That was in the balls!

No hitting -- No hitting in the balls!

Kyle.

[ Both panting ]

[ Muffled ] Let me up, Kyle!

Let me up, Kyle!

[ Both grunting ]

Okay.

Stop it! Okay, okay, okay!

You win!

You win. I give up.

[ Grunts ]

Ha ha! I had my fingers crossed.

[ Coughing ]

[ Thud ]

[ Coughs ] Thanks, kid.

Network control, this is the president.

I want you to pull the episode.

What?

Mr. President, are you sure?

I'm sure.

Begin episode jettison sequence 0-2-900.

- [ Whirring ] - Abort system initiated.

Awaiting confirmation.

Mr. President, we need your final approval code.

Presidential approval code zero, zero, destruct--

Sir! Mr. Television executive! Stop!

- Who are you? - Listen to me.

The little boy who convinced you to pull the episode

is a bastard child.

He only wants you to pull it

because he knows it will be the end of "Family Guy" forever.

The end of "Family Guy"?

Mr. President, we need final authorization.

Hold on, Julie. What are you talking about, kid?

Pulling an episode because somebody is offended

starts a chain reaction.

You'll have to pull more and more episodes

until the show goes off the air completely.

It's what happened to "Laverne & Shirley"!

You mean...the manatees aren't trying to run the network?

What manatees?

[ Grunts ]

Go ahead, Mr. President. Continue what you were doing.

No! You have to show Muhammad, Mr. President!

Mr. President, we're awaiting your orders!

Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech.

No. Think about the people who could get hurt!

I-I don't know who to listen to!

Okay. I'll make it easy for you.

- Pull the Muhammad episode now! - [ Gun cocks ]

Okay. I'll listen to you. Julie?

No! Wait! You can't listen to him!

He's a lying, deceitful monster

who only wants "Family Guy" off the air!

But he has a gun.

You can't do what he wants

just because he's the one threatening you with violence!

Shut up, Kyle!

I can't be responsible for people getting hurt.

Especially me.

Yes. People can get hurt. That's how terrorism works.

But if you give in to that, Doug,

you're allowing terrorism to work.

Do the right thing here.

Give the orders to pull the episode, Mr. President.

I shouldn't even be in the office still!

It's supposed to be half-day Fridays!

Mr. President, 30 seconds to airtime.

What do you want us to do?

Do the right thing, Mr. President.

How about I allow the episode to air

but just censor out the image of Muhammad again?

I wish that was good enough.

But if you censor out Muhammad,

then soon you'll have to censor out more.

No gay speeches, Kyle!

If you don't show Muhammad, then you've made a distinction

between what is okay to poke fun at and what isn't.

Either it's all okay or none of it is.

Five seconds, Mr. President!

Do the right thing. Show Muhammad.

Do the right thing.

Mr. President, we need a decision now!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

"Family Guy" goes on air as planned, uncensored.

- Yes! - No!

No! I hate "Family Guy"!

[ Gun clicking ]

Air it!

[ Bell ringing ]

Peter, you got a pink slip at work?

You think that's bad?

Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Muhammad

while wearing a toga?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Coming, Muhammad!

Wow! A salmon helmet!

Thanks!

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh, yeah. My pink slip.

Hey, that wasn't bad at all.

They just showed Muhammad standing there, looking normal!

Mr. President, the terrorists are retaliating!

- What?! - Remember the time I --

And as soon as the image of Muhammad appeared,

terrorist leader al-Zawahiri announced the retaliation.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Hello! I am American!

I am American, too!

We like to crap on each other!

[ Farting ]

Hello. I am the President Bush. I will crap on both you.

- [ Farts ] - Oh!

We love to crap!

I'm American!

I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.

Let's crap!

[ Farting ]

Look at me. I'm Jesus.

Would you like for me to crap on you, Mr. Bush?

[ Farting ]

ALL: Mmm! Yummy, Yummy crap!

[All farting ]