Original subtitles

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

"But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn't afraid."

"He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe

forever and ever."

Good night, my little angel.

- Stan! - What?! What?!

Get up! Get your shoes on!

We've got to get out of here! Move!

Take this!

We've got to bring all the water we can!

Shelly, go get my gun!

What's going on, Dad?

Just get the gun!

All right. Come on!

[All screaming ]

[ Groaning ]

WOMAN: Look out!

Kyle, what the hell is going on this time?

I have no idea!

[ Engine revs ]

[ Screams ]

Oh! Oh!

MAN: Take cover in the community center again!

All right! Everyone get in and get a seal on that door!

Oh, my God, Stephen! We've left Butters!

We can't go back out there, Linda!

It's too late for him!

Dad? Dad, what the hell is going on?!

[ Sighs ] A cartoon.

A cartoon is about to air on American television with...

with the Muslim prophet Muhammad as a character.

So?

So?! Stanley, Muhammad is sacred to the Muslim people.

Ever since those cartoons in Denmark, the rules have changed.

Nobody shows an image of Muhammad anymore.

Which cartoon is it?

What cartoon would be so insensitive

as to have Muhammad as a character?

Who do you think?

The cartoon that's always pushing buttons

with their careless toilet humor.

"Family Guy"!

ALL: Aww!

How could "Family Guy" do that?

Why would "Family Guy" so blatantly insult Muslims?

Because "Family Guy" doesn't care who they insult!

They only care about their precious money!

Oh, come on, people.

You think anybody's gonna be that pissed off about a cartoon?

- We've got the TV working! - [ Static ]

Once again, a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Muhammad

is set to air tonight on "Family Guy."

Oh, Randy, hold me.

The news has already sparked a shock wave of protests

throughout the Muslim world.

All over the Middle East,

Muslims are burning American flags

and "Family Guy" posters.

Muslim terrorists al-Zawahiri made this statement.

So what happens now?

We stay here through the night.

Wait it out to see if they do anything.

If we're still alive in the morning...

then we'll know we're not dead.

[ Birds chirping ]

It's okay!

We're alive?

We're alive!

Everyone! Everyone listen!

Fox network censored the image of Muhammad at the last minute!

- Oh, thank God. - Oh, good.

Well, it looks like we dodged a bullet.

They censored the image of Muhammad? How?

I TiVo every episode.

We can go to my house and see what they did.

- Okay, you guys. Check it out. - [ Popping ]

You TiVo every episode of "Family Guy"?

Dude, it's a good show.

Yeah. Lots of people like "Family Guy."

Ugh.

Peter, I can't believe you invited

your old high school sweetheart over for dinner!

You think that's bad?

Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhoff's car?

Hey, there, Knight Rider!

After those bad guys, KITT.

[ Humming ]

Yeah, but, Dad, why would you invite

an ex-girlfriend to dinner?

Perhaps he wants to make our mother nervous.

Nervous?!

Like when I had to sell pancakes to the school soccer captain?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Pancakes for you, Captain.

I'll be the Captain, and you be Tennille!

[ Down-tempo introduction plays ]

♪ Love will keep us together ♪

- [ Laughs ] - Ugh.

But, Peter, I don't want to cook dinner

for your ex-girlfriend.

Well, maybe we can just have tea.

You mean like the time you had tea with Muhammad,

the prophet of the Muslim faith?

Come on, Muhammad. Let's get some tea.

[ Birds chirping ]

Try my Mr. T Tea.

Boy, was that ever weird.

Anyway, I can't believe I invited

my old sweetheart to dinner, huh?

That's it? That's all they did?

Oh, man. That's not cool.

Seriously, that is not cool.

What? What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?

You guys, they just made fun of the religion

of an entire group of people.

You guys think that's okay?

Do you care at all about people's feelings?

Since when do you care about

being sensitive to people's religion, Cartman?

Yeah, you rip on people's religion all the time!

That's different! I'm just a little boy.

That's a cartoon. Millions of people watch it.

How would you feel, Kyle,

if there was a cartoon on television

that made fun of Jews all the time, huh?

Uh...

I'm telling you guys, it's wrong.

It's wrong!

It's wro-o-o-o-ng!

Kyle? Kyle! What are you watching?!

Hey, Brian, this is like the time

I got a job as a carrot cake.

Aah! It's "Family Guy"!

Quick, Gerald! Do something!

Hyah!

- Gaah! Aah! - [ Electricity crackling ]

Dad! Dad! Jesus Christ!

[ Breathing heavily ] It's okay.

It's dead.

You boys know you're not supposed to watch

that careless show!

Mom, it was nothing.

Muhammad just stood there and then drank some tea.

You boys don't understand anything!

It's obvious that you all need Muslim sensitivity training!

Welcome to Muslim sensitivity training.

It is important for us to understand

why the Muslims feel the way they do

and why we can never show an image of Muhammad.

No, Muslims can't show an image of Muhammad.

Kyle, you're not being very sensitive.

Yeah, Kyle.

Maybe you think this is funny, but the rest of us don't.

Let's all look at why Muslims are upset.

First of all, in the Muslim religion,

you're not allowed to have what?

Sex! Good.

There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world.

Now, this would be fine, except that in the Muslim religion

you also can't...

Anybody?

Jack off. Okay?

Jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion.

And what do we know about the places Muslims live?

They live in...

Good. Sand.

Now, put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim.

It's Friday night,

but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off.

There's sand in your eyes

and probably in the crack of your ass,

and then some cartoon comes along,

from a country where people are getting laid,

and mocks your prophet.

Well, you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off, too!

Mrs. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist!

Muslims are mad because of "Family Guy,"

not because they can't jack off.

Right, Wendy?

Yeah.

MR. MACKEY: Attention, students, proceed to the school gymnasium

immediately for an emergency announcement!

What the hell is going on now?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Shh! Quiet, students! Quiet!

Once again, we have just learned

that the "Family Guy" episode featuring Muhammad

was only part one of a two-parter!

And part two is going to air next week

with Muhammad uncensored.

- What? - Why would they...

Fox Studios claims that the "Family Guy" writing staff

has demanded the Muhammad character be seen in full view.

The head of Fox had this to say.

"Family Guy" is our biggest show.

If they insist we don't censor their work, then we -- we can't!

"Family Guy"!

I damn you to hell!

MAN: Once again, bitter riots have started in the Middle East,

this time even more massive.

And terrorist leader al-Zawahiri has issued a threat.

- [ Dramatic music plays ] - Retaliation.

Oh, my God, m'kay.

[ Bell rings ]

Goddamn "Family Guy."

Now they're just provoking people.

It's like they want a holy war.

Does this mean we don't have school all week?

You guys, this is serious!

- We have to do something. - Mrph rmh?

We have to go to Fox network in L.A.

We have to go and... try to get that episode pulled.

You guys with me?

Dude, we can't go anywhere.

They've shut down the airports and the buses.

Then we'll ride our Big Wheels!

- To Los Angeles? - If that's what it takes, yes!

We have to talk to the network.

The "Family Guy" writers aren't gonna back down!

Well, good for them! They shouldn't!

The writers are standing up

and saying they aren't going to be intimidated.

Intimidated?

Is that what you think this is about, Kyle?

All right, dude. What the hell has gotten into you?

I don't trust for one second

that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real.

All right. Fine, Kyle.

Forget the Muslim faith for a minute.

People can get hurt.

If 10 people die because "Family Guy"

just had to have their little joke,

will you still think it's funny?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

What if a hundred people die? Will it be funny then, Kyle?

I'm going to Los Angeles, and I'm gonna do whatever I can

to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.

Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people.

Somebody has to speak for what's right.

[ Insects chirping ]

Kyle! Kyle, wake up! We have to go!

The terrorists are attacking!

[All screaming ]

Dad, are you sure this time?

This isn't a joke, Kyle.

Bombs have already gone off in six cities!

- No! - Wait a minute!

- Where's Ike?! - He was just here!

- Ike! - Ike!

[ Crowd screaming ]

Ike?! Ike!

Ike!

Ice cream!

I want chocolate!

Ike, this way!

Ike!

Kyle!

No!

[ Gasps ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

You come to try and stop me?

It isn't gonna work.

I didn't come to stop you.

I-I think you're right, Cartman.

I want to help you get the "Family Guy" episode pulled.

[ Music continues ]

Yeah. Well, I don't need a partner on this.

Especially one who doesn't trust me.

Look, Cartman.

I don't know what's gotten into you,

but I think it's pretty amazing.

And I think it's real.

You have to understand why I didn't believe you before.

Yeah, I do understand, Kyle.

I've been doing the wrong things for a long time,

doing things for my own selfish reasons.

I just want to do something right, you know?

Just this one time.

It's a long trip, dude. You're gonna need help.

We can try and get the episode pulled together.

You know, we might not even make it into the studio.

I know.

But just like you... I feel like I have to try.

People can really get hurt.

And a joke just isn't worth that.

So what made you change your mind?

I got some sound advice from an old friend.

Well, Kyle, we'd better get going.

Yeah!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

You set?

I'm set. Let's do this!

All right! Let's roll!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

People! People, quiet, please!

We must not panic.

Well, what are we gonna do, Mayor?

Part two of the "Family Guy" episode airs in six days!

I believe that Professor Thomas from the university

has come up with a solution.

Thank you, Mayor.

Now, look, everyone.

Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us

for what "Family Guy" is going to do

because they've wrongly grouped us together.

Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know

that we had no part in the Muhammad episode,

that even though the episode aired,

we didn't watch it, we didn't hear it,

and we didn't talk about it.

So how do we do that?

We bury our heads...in sand.

We take 20 to 25 dump trucks,

fill them with sand from Monarch Lake,

and then dump the sand along South Park Avenue.

By using approximately 18 dozen shovels,

we could each dig a hole in the sand,

stick our heads in the holes,

and then have the person to our left bury them.

If we can manage to get every person's head

buried deep, deep in sand

before the Muhammad episode airs,

we could avoid looking like we're responsible

for any part of this at all.

No. No. Wait a minute. That's ridiculous.

Look. What we need to do is just the opposite.

Freedom of speech is at stake here.

Don't you all see?

If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad

and show the terrorists and the extremists

that we are all united in the belief

that every person has a right to say what they want.

Look, people, it's... it's been real easy for us

to stand up for free speech lately.

For the past few decades,

we haven't had to risk anything to defend it.

But those times are going to come.

And one of those times is right now.

And if we aren't willing to risk what we have,

then we just believe in free speech,

but we don't defend it.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I like the sand idea.

Yeah. Me too.

Yeah. The sand thing sounds a lot simpler.

- Let's do the sand thing. - Yeah. Let's do the sand thing.

We're gonna need eight dozen shovels and 16 tons of sand!

Let's move, people!

We've got six days to make it to Los Angeles.

If we keep our stops to a minimum,

we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.

Yes, and in just a few weeks from now,

"Family Guy" will be off the air forever!

Off the air?

But we're just going to try

to get the Muhammad episode pulled.

It's simple television economics, Kyle.

All it takes to kill a show forever

is get one episode pulled.

If we convince the network to pull this episode

for the sake of Muslims,

the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled.

And then people with disabilities can demand

another show get pulled, and so on and so on,

until "Family Guy" is no more.

It's exactly what happened to "Laverne & Shirley."

- Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute! - [ Tires screech ]

This isn't what I signed up for!

I like "Family Guy."

Why do we have to get it off the air forever?

Because they -- they made f-fun of Muslims,

and -- and that's wrong.

But that doesn't mean it has to go off the air!

You should like that show.

Your sense of humor is just like "Family Guy."

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Don't you ever, ever compare me to "Family Guy."

You hear me, Kyle?!

Compare me to "Family Guy" again,

and so help me, I will kill you where you stand.

You unbelievable son of a bitch.

You never cared about the Muslim religion

or the safety of people in America.

You just want "Family Guy" off the air.

Do you have any idea what it's like?

Everywhere I go --

"Hey, Cartman, you must like 'Family Guy,' right?"

"Your sense of humor reminds me of 'Family Guy,' Cartman."

I am nothing like "Family Guy."

When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story,

deep situational and emotional jokes

based on what is relevant and has a point,

not just one random, interchangeable joke

after another!

What are you talking about?

You don't understand!

I can't believe I let you scare me into taking your side.

You used fear to make me stop believing in free speech.

Well, I guess you won't be helping me now.

No biggie.

I don't need you to get the episode pulled.

No.

I am not letting you go to that television studio

and pretend to care about safety and sensitivity

to get a show you don't like off the air!

Well, then, Kyle, I guess --

Oh, my God. Is that Tim McGraw?

What? [ Grunts ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Cartman!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

- [ Grunts ] - [ Tires screeching ]

Kyle, stop it!

[ Music continues ]

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Horn blares ]

- Holy crap! - Aah!

[ Horn blares ]

[ Siren wailing ]

Stay on 'em!

[ Tires screeching ]

Jesus, Mary!

If you have children, be sure to bury their heads in the sand

before you bury your own.

Dad, I don't want to bury my head in the sand.

It's the best way, Stanley. Did you eat your Fruit Roll-up?

Yeah.

Make sure your snorkel is working.

All right. Now get your head in the hole.

Dad, this is stupid.

Stanley, there's no time for your immaturity!

Do it!

All right, Sharon. Now do me.

Professor, we all just thought of something.

If everyone has their head buried

by the person standing to their left,

then who's gonna bury the last person's head?

Yes, I'm afraid one person is going to have to be last

and...not have his head in the sand.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I'll do it.

Dylan, no!

You realize by not burying your head in sand,

you'll appear to be a part of the "Family Guy" audience.

Yes. I know.

Dylan, please! You can't!

Somebody has to do it, Sarah!

You run along now and you get your head in the sand.

I'll be all right.

[ Sobbing ]

You have to understand.

I'm all she has.

Who are those people?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

No!

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Screams ]

Aah!

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughs ] So long, Kyle!

You son of a bitch! I won't let you win!

You hear me?!

Suck my balls, Kyle!

[ Sobs ]

[ Screams ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Are you the network president?

Yes, Mr. President.

We need to discuss this "Family Guy" episode, Mr. President.

Mr. President, my hands are tied.

The "Family Guy" writers insist I don't censor Muhammad.

But, Mr. President, this is a matter of national security.

They must be reasoned with.

Mr. President...

there's something about the "Family Guy" writing staff

I think you should know.

[ Music continues ]

MAN: Next week on "South Park"...

the race continues.

Cartman reaches the "Family Guy" studio

and learns the shocking secret

behind the "Family Guy" writing staff...

This explains everything.

MAN:...as an entire nation buries its head in sand...

The idea has swept the nation.

But where will we find enough sand for everyone?

MAN:...and the battle between good and evil is finally waged.

Kyle, quit it!

Stop it, Kyle!

MAN: Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored?

Will "Family Guy" be destroyed?

Will television executives fight for free speech,

or will Comedy Central puss out?

Tune in to see part two of "Family Guy,"

next week on "South Park."