Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

- A bit nippy. - Mm.

- It's nice though. - Aye.

- Do you mind if I sit? - Oh.

Thanks.

I didn't realize it was so steep.

Yeah.

This is nice.

- What you got there? - Oh, jam sandwich.

Oh.

- My brother hates jam. - Oh.

Yeah.

When we were kids he once ate a whole jar,

he was sick for two days.

Yeah, two days.

I don't mind it though.

Do you want one?

No, I, um... I, uh...

- Yeah, maybe. - Oh.

Cheers.

- Cheers. - Hm.

Mm, yummy.

Yummy.

Look, I just want to say that I'm sorry.

- Pardon? - You seem quite nice really.

- I didn't think you would be. - Oh right.

I just hope it sorts itself out in the end.

I'm sorry, I don't think I quite understand...

Guh!

Ugh.

I said keep him talking

not eat his fucking breakfast.

What is it?

It's jam.

Wank.

Well come on then.

Sorry.

One, two.

Three.

Well, let's go on.

♪ It was pleasant and delightful ♪

♪ On a midsummer's morn ♪

♪ Where the green fields and meadows ♪

♪ Were buried in the corn ♪

♪ And the blackbirds and thrushes ♪

♪ Sang on every green tree ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ At the dawning of the day ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ At the dawning of the day ♪

Moving on to the Ilkley Literature Festival.

Now the small towns had some big speakers this fortnight.

Culminating this Sunday with the controversial

secularist, Professor Bill...

It's pretty, innit?

It reminds me of Holywell.

You see the bridge?

Shame we didn't come up earlier,

we could've had a wonder.

- See what the festival's about. - Tim.

Did I do something wrong?

You didn't do anything wrong.

I hope he fucking rots.

I'll stop for Burger King this time, all right.

Fuck's sake!

Yes, all right!

I didn't realize he was local.

What?

I didn't realize he was from around here.

He's not from around here, what are you talking about?

Oh.

He sounded it.

What?

Fuck!

How? How?

I don't know, I saw him coming out the hotel and...

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

It looked just like him from behind.

Yeah but everybody looks like everybody from behind!

No, not necessarily.

You fucking...

Fuck!

Hello?

We're still here.

Well, I...

- What did he... - We're staying.

- I thought the plan was... - The plan's changed.

Is he upset?

We'll check into a hotel.

And then what?

Uh and then nothing.

We wait.

He's coming here?

No.

- No, no, no. - It's fine, it's fine.

It's fine, honestly, honestly.

Look at me, look at me, look at me.

Look at me, look at me.

It's fine.

Everything's fine.

Put your belt on.

♪ Dashing away with a smoothing ♪

♪ Dashing away with a smoothing ♪

♪ Dashing away with a smoothing iron ♪

♪ She stole my heart away ♪

Fucking festival prices, my ass.

It'll be like we're teenagers again, ey.

- What side do you want? - I don't care.

All right, I'll take that side.

No, I want that one.

Sure.

Forgot my fucking beads.

Do you think he'll mind?

What?

That we killed the wrong one?

It's all part of his plan.

Sure.

It still seems a bit mean, doesn't it?

Tim, I'm praying.

Sorry.

That doesn't mean watch TV, fucking spaz!

No, no look, Vic!

Well, it's safe to say

you certainly rustled some feathers.

Have I? Whew, I thought I was losing my touch.

And you really can't understand

why your book is offending so many people?

Oh sure, I can understand it

but that doesn't mean to say I have to care.

I mean, I'm offended every day

by the dogma pedaled in churches and mosques

up and down the country but you don't see me

issuing Fatwas

or burning effigies of Christ.

Yes, but the point is...

The point is this, my book deals with facts.

With rational thought.

Now if that makes people so insecure

about their supposedly omnipotent God

to the point of offense, well, you'll excuse...

Asshole, fucking asshole!

Fucking asshole, fucking asshole!

Pillow, Vic, pillow, pillow!

Fuck.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Ugh.

♪ Ah ♪

- Careful. - It doesn't hurt.

Vic?

Do you love me?

- Shut up. - Sorry.

Here you go, drinks.

Cheers.

Through our Lord

grant them joy in the internal brightness.

Amen.

Go on then.

No, I'm all right.

Suit yourself.

- What time's he coming? - Afternoon.

- What do you wanna do before? - Sleep.

I was thinking maybe go for wander.

Just for a bit, you know?

We don't have to do anything.

Vic?

Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

No, Vic, leave it, it's fine.

Oh my God, oh my God.

Vic, it's fine, come on.

Oh God.

No, Vic, Vic, Vic, come on, you sit!

- One more time. - What?

Say his name one more time

there's gonna be a problem. Do you understand?

Sorry, I think there must be a mistake.

No, no mistake.

He that blasphemes against the Holy Ghost

- hath never forgiveness. - Blasphemes?

Look, I'm sorry we didn't mean to offend you.

You think you can laugh at us, ey?

You think you can fucking laugh at us.

No, no I don't.

- My sister's a Roman Catholic. - Come on, Vic, let's go.

Well.

Then let this be a warning.

Yeah.

Yeah of course, yeah.

- Jesus Christ. - What did you just say?

What the fuck did you just say?

- Going to bed. - All right.

A definition of heroism that.

So how do we begin to grapple

with this notion of heroinism?

What makes our heroes heroic?

Is it success or final victory?

Not necessarily.

Oedipus was the greatest king that thieves had ever seen.

Until he wasn't.

So perhaps then, heroism lurks somewhere

between parallelities, between good and evil.

Action and inaction.

Milton has Satan lament

which way I fly is hell and it's this indecision...

Fuck.

Light, anybody?

Can I get a ruddy light?

Here, ma'am.

I'll have that, off you trot.

- Right, Hodge. - Yes, ma'am.

- Hikers that found him, local? - Yes, ma'am.

The Dennehys, a couple out walking their labby.

- Their what? - Their dog.

- Walking their dog. - All right, how long

do you think he's been here?

I'm not a coroner, ma'am I don't know.

Just take a step in the dark, love.

Judging by the rigidity of his extremities

- I'd say at least 12 hours. - Right.

So why did Jack and Jane Bethman only find him two hours ago?

We've got something, ma'am.

Bring it down then, Frank.

I'm not a fucking Sherpa, fuck's sake.

Hiking really is a wanker's pastime, isn't it?

That said, our wanker looks like he came prepared.

Pricy boots, nice waterproof.

Can't see an experienced walker tumbling 30 feet

just 'cause the weather picks up.

- Suicide's an option. - Perhaps.

Here ma'am.

We found it under a bench.

- Hi, Millie. - Hiyya.

Frank, if you want to stick your dick in something

- talk to the corpse. - Yes, ma'am.

- It looks like a bracelet.... - Shut it, Frank.

Ma'am, have you seen the bruising around his neck?

Oh.

Fun.

- How'd you sleep? - Fine.

Yeah, it took me ages to nod off.

You don't think they'll be looking for us, do you?

- Who? - I don't know, the police.

Keep your fucking voice down, will yah?

Sorry.

I don't want to go to prison.

We're not going to prison, shut up.

Anyway, even if we did, so what?

Loads of saints went to prison, didn't do them any harm, did it.

Some twat blows himself up,

gets himself on the front of every fucking paper,

maybe it's our turn, ey.

They don't love God anymore than we do, do they?

- No. - No, so...

if we do go to prison and I'm not saying we will

because we won't,

but if we did

we'd be martyrs, proper ones.

There you go, see.

Stop thinking so much, all right.

Good.

Now...

Should we go and watch cartoons?

What?

I just thought maybe we could have a wander around town.

- Why? - Just for a bit, you know.

I don't think it's a good idea.

This place doesn't seem that bad.

Even Southam has good bits.

All right fine, you go.

Just for a bit, oi, listen.

Be careful, yeah?

Remember why we're here.

Right.

♪ As I came, as I came ♪

♪ As I came through Sandgate, through Sandgate ♪

♪ Through Sandgate ♪

♪ As I came through Sandgate ♪

♪ Oh, as I came through Sandgate, through Sandgate ♪

♪ Through Sandgate, as I came through Sandgate ♪

♪ I heard the lassie sing ♪

♪ Weel may the keel row, the keel row, the keel row ♪

♪ Weel may the keel row, that my wee laddie's in ♪

♪ Weel may the keel row, the keel row, the keel row ♪

♪ Weel may the keel row that my wee laddie's in ♪

- Hello. - Hi.

- It's you. - Is it?

Uh, you were talking at the hotel last night.

Oh God yeah, it is me.

Sorry, I hope it wasn't too tedious.

No, no, no, not at all.

We had someone pull out last minute, so

I got bullied into it.

Oh?

Anyway, nice of you to say hi, I better...

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

And who's Milton?

Sorry?

You were talking about Milton last night.

- About Satan. - John Milton

and yeah, he's...

He wrote Paradise Lost.

It's a very long poem about the Bible.

Satan's the good guy, well sort of.

Well then what about God?

God is kind of like a judgmental dad.

Constantly shooting down everyone's party.

That sounds a bit like my brother.

- Does it? - Yeah.

So who else are you here to see other than me, obviously.

Oh, I'm thinking of seeing this.

You... you know, I think that's for kids.

Oh, right, oops.

But you know, it's all good stuff.

Do you want to come?

You know what, normally I would

but I'm just about to meet a friend.

Oh sure, no worries, okiedokie.

But I hope you enjoy it.

Thanks.

- Bye then. - Bye.

Hey!

Hey, hold on!

Why you reading that?

Uh, you hadn't said anything in about eight minutes.

No, why you reading that.

Wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Just another jumped up cocker

thinks the world's waiting for his opinion.

I said it before, do you know what I'm gonna say it again.

This festival brings out the twats like nothing else.

And you're sure there's a connection?

What, a perfectly ordinary bloke?

No debts, no dirty habits, loving wife.

It's tossed off a bluff, the only weekend this place

means anything to anyone.

Yes, I think it might be a fat old coincidence.

It's possible.

Jesus.

God, you sound like my therapist.

Praise be, here he comes.

Locked off.

- Morning Martin. - Oh Christ.

Before you ask, yes I did get your messages

and no, I don't have time to talk about it

because if you hadn't noticed

I'm trying to run a festival here.

- This is CI Hodge. - Yes, I know.

Millie used to babysit my daughter, hello Millie.

Hi, Mr. Silver, how's it all going?

Getting there, your mom's been a great help

sorting out that bunting, you see,

you forget that you're the only person in Ilkley

who somehow manages not to know anyone.

- Boohoo. - You gonna invite us in?

No.

"Peter's mother put her arm around him suddenly

and hugged him in silence for a minute

then she said, 'Don't you think it's rather nice

to think that we're in a book that's God's writing?

If I were writing the book

I might make mistakes.

But God knows how to make the story end just right,

in a way that's best for us.'

'Do you really believe that, mother?'

Peter asked quietly.

'Yes, she said, I do believe it."

You think you'll ever write a book?

Oh, I have, unfortunately, no one wanted to publish it.

You can stand on the edges in this job

but if your name's not on the list you're not getting in.

Yeah.

When I was 15,

Bobby Roads wouldn't let me play in his treehouse.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

How did that work out?

Well, my brother broke his nose.

Oh, you're not the average festival goer, are you, Tim?

W... what do you mean?

Well, you... you know,

you don't exactly fit the type.

What you really doing here?

I'm just... I'm you know.

I'm only teasing, why shouldn't you be here.

We're all stories in the end,

as my dad would say.

That's why we tell them.

Wow.

Oh, that is fantastic Margaret.

Yes, we will make sure they're still and sparkling.

All right, yes, looking forward to it.

Okay, take care bye-bye now.

Bye, bye-bye.

you do tricks as well?

Only for the Nobel winners.

What do you want?

Okay, right, well I want suspension

of all festival events for the next 48 hours.

You are joking.

It's the final weekend, Louise.

I mean, it's the biggest weekend in the bloody calendar.

Yes, Martin and there's been a bloody murder

less than a bloody mile away.

And... and the family has my deepest sympathies, they do.

But I really don't see what that has to do with us

unless the police want to start deputizing novelists.

Don't be a smartass, Martin

or I'll twat you in the throat.

But the reality is we got 24 hours to find our man

before our odds become considerably slimmer.

So it'd really help our lives

if we didn't have a fucking carnival going on around us.

You need a holiday, Louise.

Get out of Yorkshire.

Okay, all right, if that's how you feel, Martin.

Hey, hey, perhaps Helen would like to know

about this waiter you've been going around with.

Italian, isn't he?

Very exotic.

Louise, Helen and I have been amicably separated

for two years, Enrico is my fiancé.

Look, I know this weekend means nothing to you, yeah.

But it's our single largest tourism boost of the year.

I've seen jaws, Louise,

Don't make me the mayor.

John Martin, I've seen Jaws as well.

I am fucking Jaws

and you are this far away

from getting slapped by my fish dick.

Congratulations on your wedding, Mr. Silver.

Oh, thank you Millie, thank you.

Oh and regards to your mother, I hope she's doing okay.

Fish stick.

Fish stick.

- What now? - Follow him home.

Piles of shit through his letterbox.

How about some breakfast?

Fine.

I'm really ruling at it,

the golden age of children's literature.

Right, I see.

- I've got to go. - Oh, okay.

Um, it was nice meeting you, Imelda.

It was nice meeting you too, Tim.

Bye.

Oh, there's an end of the fest party

- at The Banister tonight. - Okay.

You should come along if you want.

Uh, yeah maybe.

Okay, well it starts at seven.

And I promise not to talk about books.

What?

I'm a naughty little boy.

- I'm a naughty little boy. - Oh, oh.

- Tim! - Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Tim, fuck's sake.

Ugh, ugh.

Don't look, don't look!

Knock!

Hello?

Hello?

Naughty little boy, where have you gone?

Hello?

- Oh. - Hi there.

- Hello? - He's uh... he's just...

Okay.

I like your room.

Ugh.

Let's go.

There you go, love.

Right, what can I get for you, love?

- Oh, no I think... - It's all right.

No, no, no, no, no please.

Oh cheers.

Sausage softy, please Tina

- and a black coffee. - Coming up, one sausage.

Any news on that dead bloke, Millie?

Nothing yet.

Had his wife come down this morning,

- identify the body. - Oh, poor hen.

He was from Rutland, wasn't he?

I don't know who would do something like that.

- It's awful. - Whoever it is, we'll get them.

Yeah, throw away the key and let them rot.

And for you, love?

Oh, um a bacon sandwich and an orange juice please.

Coming up, one bacon.

I'll get that coffee for you, Millie.

- You here for the festival? - Yeah.

Business or pleasure?

Business, pleasure.

Business and pleasure.

Oh you're a writer?

Yeah.

Well, I better keep an eye out for you, haven't I.

Hm.

Right, there you go then.

Cheers, Tina.

Oh, enjoy the festival.

See you around.

Ah!

Ah!

Tim?

Tim?

Yeah?

Look, in the hotel

I wasn't...

It's all right.

You don't have to.

How was your walk?

It was fine.

What if we didn't?

What?

Hurt anyone else.

I'm not saying I don't want to, I do.

- I just want to be sure. - Tim.

No, I mean sure that it's definitely the right thing.

Tim, he's here.

♪ Ah ♪

Ah, my boys.

What will we do with you, ey?

So.

Who wants to start?

Victor?

We're... we're so sorry.

Oh that's very gracious of you, Victor.

Very gracious.

But you don't suppose I traveled all this way

for an apology, do you?

Or perhaps you thought I'd just make you say

ten Hail Mary's and everything would sort itself out.

Hm?

I don't think so.

Do you?

Well!

It was my fault, father.

Good Timothy, now we're getting somewhere.

- Don't, it wasn't... - Ey, ey, ey,

that's enough from you, Victor.

I'm talking to your brother.

Go on.

I made a mistake.

Yeah, you did, didn't yah.

A rather big mistake.

Yes, Father.

And?

How do we suggest we fix this rather big mistake?

I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't know.

Ugh, ugh!

- I'm sorry. - Oh, now we're back to apologies,

I didn't bring you up

to be sniffling pigs, did I.

I brought you up to be kings.

Did we all fall short in the glory of God.

Though your sins be like scarlet

they shall be white as snow.

We'll make it up to you.

I know you will, boys.

I know you will.

- What's cooking, good looking? - Good afternoon, how can I help?

Detective Inspector Brough, this is TI Hodge.

I need a record of everyone who's checked in

over the last two days.

I'm not sure I... let's me just call the manager.

Oh, that won't be necessary sweetum.

We don't rub well with bureaucracy.

Do we Hodge?

Now be a good boy and start printing, yeah.

Anything stand out on that list?

Families, a lot of folk on their on.

Are we really gonna knock on every door.

You got a better idea?

No.

Look at that, we got Professor Huxley staying here tonight.

Oh yeah, let's start with him then.

If you're lucky he might sign your tits.

So this time you must be certain, absolutely certain

there's no room for error.

Where do we know for sure that he'll be, huh?

Well, at the talk.

Good Timothy, very good.

At the talk, yes.

I think that's an excellent idea.

Why not let the world see God's wrath made plain.

- But then... - What?

Then how would we get away without everyone seeing us?

Oh.

I remember the day I took you in.

Like moseys in the basket

except you didn't even have a basket, did you.

You poor sweet boys

and I was willing, wasn't I?

To clothed you, teach you,

love you.

And what have I asked in return?

Ey?

What have I only ever asked, Timothy?

For our love.

For your love, yes.

But love won't sacrifice,

not just obedience, Timothy.

You won't forsake me now, will you?

You'll be a good boy, yes.

Splendid.

So we better start making arrangements

before our distinguish professor's arrival.

Afternoon, we're looking for Professor Huxley.

He's not arrived yet, can I help?

Detective Inspector Brough, this is TI Hodge,

we're investigating a crime in the area.

- Right? - Yeah we're just carrying out

- some routine checks. - Well, like I said

the professor's not here, have a nice day.

Actually while I got you, sweetheart,

you haven't noticed anything unusual

on your cleaning rounds have you?

My cleaning rounds?

- Oh, I... - Yes?

- Sorry, just assumed... - She honestly didn't mean

- anything by this. - Yeah I'm sure she didn't.

I'm here to welcome the professor

as part of the festival committee

but I do have five minutes if you'd like me

- to shine your shoes, or... - We're very sorry

to disturb you, have a lovely day.

Oops.

All booked, Old Library tomorrow at two o'clock.

Good, very good.

Right but what if there's security?

How am I going to get near him if they're...

Timothy, would you pass me my bag?

Put it here.

This was my father's.

Great man, valiant man.

Sort of man that doesn't exist anymore.

Why he stayed with my mother for so long I'll never know.

Cowardly woman.

Timothy, come here.

- Father, I think... - Victor, be a good boy

and make me another cup of tea, come on.

- Right, now give me your hand. - Why?

Hey, hey, Timothy.

Hey, come on it's not gonna bite you.

Now.

You make sure that this is pulled right back.

Yes?

You can see the bullet in the chamber, do you see?

Now it's very simple.

When the time comes you'll just take a deep, deep breath

and squeeze.

♪ Away with her smoothing iron ♪

♪ She stole my heart away ♪

Jesus, what a waste of an afternoon.

- What now? - Might as well carry on.

You take the Grand Lodge, I'll try the Lamb.

- Need a lift? - Nope.

Why are you telling me to shoot...

Because if anything should happen,

anything at all, I need to know

that you'll be ready.

You understand?

Sh, sh Timothy, you're weak

and God wants to be your strength.

Surrender to him

and he will show himself strong.

I don't want to.

Excuse me?

♪ Swooning eyes and stole my heart away ♪

Afternoon, I need to conduct a search of the premises.

I mean, I can't... I can't do it, I'm sorry.

You are disobeying me.

No, I'm not I'm just...

- I don't see why. - Be very careful, Timothy.

Very careful.

Remember who you're speaking to.

I molded you out of nothing.

Ever sermon, every scrap of clothing.

Every lash, it was me.

Do you understand?

And now I'm asking for your protection.

I have been meek, I have been guided haven't I?

But now they're saying we must close our church,

leave our home, well, enough is enough.

We shouldn't bite our tongues anymore.

We shan't let them laugh at us, humiliate us.

Right, thanks all the same.

Saul have slain his thousands,

Dave and his tens of thousands

and I am asking you for only one.

You understand? Just one!

Please Timothy, take it!

- Take it! - Wait, wait.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

I'll do it.

Please, I'd like to really.

There.

There, see.

Now everybody's happy.

Everybody's happy.

Hello, police, can you open up?

I can hear someone in there.

Can you open up, please?

Hello, my dear.

- Oh. - How can I help?

Uh, sorry to disturb you, Father.

I'm just looking for a Victor and Timothy Walker.

Know either of those?

No, have they done something wrong?

No, no, not necessarily.

It's just, uh, they're the names

that the room's booked under.

I... oh, God.

I understand. They're my boys.

Yeah, they booked the room for me.

I can't get my head around this modern technology.

Right, sir, so you're saying

that they booked this room for you

under both of their names, yes?

Is that a problem?

No, no, no problem.

Do you mind if I come in, Father?

Come in?

Yeah, oh, no, no, of course, come in.

Come in?

No, no, of course, come in.

Come in.

In fact, that's the kettle just boiled.

And how 'bout we have a chat over a cup of tea?

It's funny, you know, just before you knocked,

I was thinking, um, about that passage, um,

what is it?

Matthew 5.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they shall be called the sons of God.

Daughters, in your case, of course.

- Are you religious yourself? - Nope.

Well, then maybe a chat will be good.

If you'll forgive me for saying,

you seem to be carrying some pain.

That must be exhausting.

Actually, do you know, I must be getting on.

I've got a lot of rooms to get through,

you understand, Father, so, um...

You sure I can't tempt you?

Uh, maybe next time.

Oh, but I hope you find what you're looking for, Officer.

Goodnight.

Two o'clock tomorrow.

As the applause rises,

let them see the decrepitude

of their idolatry.

Good.

Now, how shall we spend our evening?

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ Stole my heart away ♪

Missed me. Woo!

Missed me. Woo!

Missed me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

One, two, three.

Um, I'm just... I'm gonna just.

Oi..

Let him enjoy his final night.

You all right?

Oh, you know, surviving.

Any major breakthroughs?

I wouldn't pull that face, dear.

the wind might change.

So what now?

Oh, I don't know.

We should wrap up for the night.

Call it in, get Scot Yard here first thing.

No, I'm not letting them bastards have it.

Killer's here, I can feel it.

Hey, it's you.

Uh, yes, hi.

You here for the party?

Sorry?

The bannister?

Sort of, yeah.

Go on.

Goodbye.

See ya.

True knobheads, the lot of them.

Thought he seemed nice.

You would.

All right, sweetheart, let's get you off.

Oh, it's okay, I don't mind.

No, no, I know what you girls are like

without your beauty sleep.

Join me back at the office.

Lucky me.

I'll wrap up for the night.

Tomorrow is ours, I know it!

Hello, I need to speak to Imelda.

- She's at the party. - Okay, can I get a name?

Tim.

Tim?

Tim.

Yeah.

I'm afraid it's invite-only here, Tim.

Um, you might be better off down the road.

Tim?

You made it.

Hello.

It's all right, Nadia, he's with me.

- How are you? - I need to talk to you

- about something. - Yeah, sure.

Hi.

I'm afraid bullshit is the lingua franca here.

Come on.

Imelda, there's something going on

that I need to talk to you about.

Something bad is gonna happen and I need your help.

Oh, there she is.

Where have you been hiding?

Ugh, take a deep breath.

Tim?

Sorry.

He's one of your followers.

Not literally, I hope.

So what do you do, Tim?

I'm, um, a warden at the church.

I do the gardens as well sometimes.

Gosh, Imelda, I think you've got yourself a live one.

Fabian. I do apologize.

My friend here is obviously unschooled

in the art of tact and tolerance.

Tim, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize.

That's all right, I think I'm just gonna...

No, no, no, don't. Come on, please stay.

They're all idiots anyway.

Yes, yes, do stay.

Fabian was only teasing.

We can get you a drink.

Imelda, could I borrow you for a moment?

Oh, I'm... just...

In fact, perhaps there's something

you could help me with.

I'm having particular difficulty

with a passage in 1 Corinthians.

And then the end will come

when he hands over the kingdom to God

after he has destroyed all authority.

Now, do you not think there's an inherent contradiction

in destroying all authority

whilst handing back power to an omnipotent God?

Because the only way I can rectify it in my head,

and, granted, I won't be as read up on this as you,

but in order to make sense of it at all,

God the Father will have to face eradication,

which I presume means pressing the self-destruct button

behind the immovable boulder.

It's just a joke, but there is something

wonderfully nihilistic in it,

that God should judge himself so severely

to the point of destruction.

But I have to admit,

that's the kind of God I can really get behind.

What do you think?

You know what, I think you might be

in the wrong group after all, chum.

Tim, Tim, where are you going?

Idiot!

Where the hell have you been?

Sorry.

Are you okay?

Enjoying my final night.

Where is he?

Asleep.

I don't have to worry about you, do I?

No.

No, you don't.

I'm sorry I...

I'm back now.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I don't want anyone laughing at us, Vic.

They won't.

I won't let them.

Just wish everything wasn't so complicated.

It's okay to doubt.

You know?

I doubt too sometimes.

I thought I saw him sitting in a restaurant.

The bloke that we...

That I...

I wanted to tell him I was sorry.

Tell him it was a mistake, because...

Didn't he look just like Dad.

Hey.

Hey.

It's all right.

It's all right.

I'll always look after us, you know that.

Yeah, yeah, I know that.

Come on, hey?

Let's go to bed.

Come on.

Here we go.

Don't wake him, don't wake him.

Vic?

Yeah.

Do you ever wish that we could go home?

I really love you, Tim.

I really love you too.

Till tomorrow.

♪ There were three ravens sat on a tree ♪

♪ Downe a downe, hay downe, hay downe ♪

♪ They were as blacke as blacke could be ♪

♪ With a downe ♪

♪ Then one of them said to their mate ♪

♪ Where shall we our breakfast take? ♪

♪ With a downe, derrie, derrie, derrie, downe, downe ♪

♪ They flew away so eagerly ♪

♪ Downe a downe, hay downe, hay downe ♪

♪ Through pastures new in search of fare ♪

♪ With a downe ♪

♪

♪ Spring came next but soon was gone ♪

♪ With a downe, derrie, derrie, derrie, downe, downe ♪

♪ Downe in yonder greene field ♪

♪ Downe a downe, hay downe, hay downe ♪

♪ There lies a Knight slain under his shield ♪

♪ With a downe ♪

♪ Downe there comes a fallow Doe ♪

♪ Great with yong as she might goe ♪

♪ With a downe, derrie, derrie, derrie, downe, downe ♪

Timothy.

Glorious, isn't it?

Perfect day.

I've still gotta do a second coat of varnish

on the pews.

Supposed to do it when I got back.

Mm, there'll be time.

Now, we better get going.

Don't want to be late.

You're...

You're not coming.

Hm? Me? No.

Martyrdom is a young man's game.

I've placed my trust in you both,

just as the Lord has placed His trust in the three of us.

All right.

I love you both.

Good luck.

- I think I'm gonna walk. - Fine.

For fuck sake.

♪

Bill.

Just the man I was after.

Very much looking forward to today.

Um, I was just wondering if there was anything, uh,

you wanted... you're in here, um,

anything you wanted me to say in particular

in your introduction?

Why don't you do your thing and I'll do mine?

Yes, of course. Yes.

Uh, well, break a leg.

Don't break a leg.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please can you have your tickets ready.

Ticket please.

Something in your pocket, sir.

All right, thank you.

Next.

All right, thank you.

Next.

- Next! - Yeah, I'll help you out here.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Keep your arms out, sir, please.

Empty out your pocket, sir.

Right, thank you.

The whole bloody thing's made of metal, you retard.

All right, okay, go through.

Next.

Put your arms up.

All right, thank you.

Next.

Tim!

Hello.

Are you all right? You look a bit...

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

I've missed all the good seats,

so I think I'm just gonna head home.

Right. Come on, follow me.

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ She stole my heart away ♪

♪ 'Twas on a Monday morning when I beheld my darling ♪

♪ She looked so neat and charming in every high degree ♪

♪ She looked so neat and nimble-o ♪

♪ Oh, the drying of her linen-o ♪

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ She stole my heart away ♪

Mm, cock it.

Really don't have to do this.

Don't be silly, it's my job.

Um, look, why don't you go on and I'll just...

Come on, no, come on, we're almost there.

♪ She looked so neat and nimble-o ♪

♪ The drying of her linen-o ♪

I just wanted to, um...

Not bad, is it?

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ She stole my heart away ♪

Excuse me?

Excuse me!

Oh.

Thank you.

I'm surprised you still came today after last night.

Yeah, well, you know.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you.

You and Huxley seem quite...

Oh, yeah, I know.

Worst kept secret on the festival circuit.

Anyway, it's irrelevant now.

Irrelevant?

Yeah, I had this incredible epiphany

that if something feels wrong,

don't do it.

Oh.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming.

It's wonderful to see so many of you here.

Yes, even you, David.

Um, as the festival draws to a close,

it is with great pleasure that I introduce

our keynote speaker.

He's a man who, frankly, needs no introduction.

But I'm gonna give him one anyway.

He's a man that some would call...

...a human juggernaut of wit and intellect,

and one of the few moral authorities

in an increasingly terrifying world.

So, without further ado,

ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together

and give a very warm welcome

to the one and only Professor Bill Huxley.

Thank you, Martin, I'm positively blushing.

Well, I must say I'm rather humbled

by how undaunted my readers seem to be,

considering that everyone thinks I'm gonna be blown up.

Personally, I take that as a compliment.

Anyway, enough of the sentimentality,

we've got work to do.

Good morning,.

And rise and shine for another beautiful day in Yorkshire.

Of course, we've got Professor Bill Huxley here.

- Who's next, please? - Yeah, hi, I need 25...

Um, I think we were first, actually.

Oh, right, I don't think you were.

But my son has been waiting for 20 minutes.

I really need to go!

Well, maybe your son needs to learn

that the universe doesn't owe him anything.

Look, he's got shoes on his feet

and he's not being sex trafficked

halfway across Thailand.

Excuse me?

Excused.

Hiya, yeah, I need 25...

Remind me why we're in Weatherby.

Only place open on a Sunday, isn't it?

Huh.

You finished that yet?

- Pretty much. - Worth it?

I don't see why he has to be such a massive prick

about the whole thing.

Ooh, look at you, tough nut.

I just think you should be careful what you're ripping down

before you know exactly what it holds up.

Cool hunch, you're lost in this profession.

You should join the nunnery, dear.

Definitely got the ass for it.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Yeah, do.

The nuns at my school had the best buttocks

I've ever seen.

You're a Catholic?

Oh, God, I'm not a fucking Cath...

Do I look like a ruddy Catholic?

No, God, Jesus.

Do you think I'd let some bloke in a dress

moan at me for three hours?

Enough of that from the chief super.

Mind you, they all start to roll into one, don't they?

Look.

They start to look the same.

Won't argue with that.

Although I don't suppose lab had got back results

on that bracelet.

Ma'am?

What is it, ma'am?

It's not a bracelet.

What?

It's not a fucking bracelet.

- How do you mean? - They're beads,

they're fucking prayer beads.

- Ha! - I don't get it.

- What time's his talk? - Who?

Huxley! His talk, what time, what time?

- Two, I don't know... - Bollocks, Right,

how quick can you get us back into town?

Yeah, hiya.

Uh, I need to reach Martin Silver ASAP.

Hodge, you better put your phone down.

That massive prick might be in trouble.

♪ And he said bide, lady, bide ♪

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

Pure sensationalism.

Said and done to sell books and make headlines.

But please don't forget,

I only wish to seek the undeniable

and empirical order of things.

Not to divide society, but to improve our lot.

Yeah, well, you can tell Martin

if he doesn't call me back in the next two minutes

I'm gonna string him up by the bollocks

and then I'm gonna thrash him like a fucking piñata.

It's a Mexican paper animal full of sweets.

But ultimately there is no justice

for the everyday hero.

In reality, religion does not convey immortality

upon its partisans,

but only on those that spread it.

All men throughout the history of our various civilizations

who have used a false god to justify torture, rape,

genocide, the oppression of women and homosexuals,

these are the men that religion makes immortal,

not the martyrs.

Quite the contrary.

Immortality is reserved

for history's greatest villains.

Liar!

You're liar and a fraud!

Shame on you!

For if we go on sinning willfully

after receiving the knowledge of the truth,

we shall not be forgiven for our sins.

Get off me, get off me!

Oh, there goes one of them now.

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

If we might continue.

Hello, granddad, could you fucking move?

All right, all right.

Christ!

Knobheads.

Wanker!

Where, then, does that leave us

in relation to morality?

If we reject the notion of a prime mover,

are we therefore amoral?

Absolutely not.

To suppose that without ethical laws

impressed upon us by some deity

that we would be unable to discern between right and wrong

is at best childish and at worst utterly shameful.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

We must be accountable for our actions

and for the decisions from which they derive.

We cannot hide beneath a safety blanket,

letting ourselves be dictated to by some dusty book.

Unless, of course, it's one of mine.

I'll end with this.

The comforts we take for granted every day,

shelter, tools, nutrition,

these were gifted to us by science, not mysticism.

Why, then, won't we trust science

when it comes to morality?

To be here in

where Darwin himself made the transition

from the tyranny of belief

to the sanctity of rational enlightenment

gives me hope that our civilization

will presently shake off

the pernicious infringement of reality

that religion offers,

allowing us instead to regain our integrity.

Our individuality.

And celebrate true autonomy of choice.

Between the moral and the immoral.

Between right and wrong.

I've made my choice.

Now it's up to you.

Thank you very much.

♪ Bide, lady, bide ♪

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

♪ Bide, lady, bide ♪

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

♪ Bide, lady, bide ♪

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

Nobody move! Everybody stay where you are.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am DCI Brough

from the North Bradford Police Department.

Now, I need everyone to remain calm.

- There is nothing... - He's got a gun, he's got a gun!

Enrico!

Come with me.

Would someone tell me what the fuck

is going on out there?

- You. - Shut up.

Give me the gun.

No. No, not yet.

Come through here.

- Get up. - What?

- Get up. - Ow, ow.

- Come on. - Ow.

- Shut up. - Ow.

- Shut up. - Ow.

Shut up.

Nothing, ma'am.

You seem to be making a habit of this, Inspector.

Look, I just thought...

I just thought that...

Help!

Help!

Shut the fuck up.

Sorry.

This one.

Okay. You stand guard.

No, I'm doing it.

- What? - You've done enough.

It's my turn.

Please.

I'll be right here if you need me.

You can't be serious.

Okay.

Please, please, please don't.

What... what... what is it you want?

- Money? - No.

No, I don't want money.

Okay, listen, uh, what's your name?

We met yesterday.

Well, I meet a lot of people.

It's not always possible to remember everyone's...

Trevor, Michael, Frances.

- Tim. - Tim!

My name's Tim.

Tim, yes, of course.

My name's Bill.

Yes, I know who you are.

Yes, of course, of course you do.

Look, look, Tim, you really don't have to do this.

No, I'm sorry, but I do.

Is this about Imelda?

That's just a bit of fun.

I am here on behalf of Holywell Parish Church.

What?

This is about...

But you're a Christian.

So?

Christians send letters, they don't jihad.

Professor Huxley, this is for the souls you've led astray.

But that's just words, it's nothing,

it doesn't mean anything.

Tim, everything all right?

Uh, yeah, yeah, it's... it's fine. Yep.

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

♪ Dashing away with the smoothing iron ♪

- I'm gonna kill you, Professor. - Please.

I'm gonna kill you and then... and then we're gonna...

we're gonna turn ourselves in or, uh,

maybe... maybe we'll just kill ourselves.

You know, I don't know yet.

Anyway, that does not concern you.

Please, please don't.

Do you repent your sins?

I'm begging you.

Do you repent your sins?

- Yes! - Louder!

- Yes! - Louder.

- Yes! - Louder!

Yes, I repent my sins!

- Fuck. - We're too late.

Come on.

Tim.

Well done, mate.

Everything all right?

Tim?

What's going on?

We've got to go now.

Pardon?

Tim, everything all right?

Yep, it's all good. Just give me a second.

What do you mean?

I mean I'm getting you out of here.

You're gonna live.

Hooray.

But you just tried to shoot me.

Yeah, but now I'm not, so please hurry up.

So, what the fuck was that all about?

Tim, what the fuck is going on?

Hey you, what are you doing?

- Who's in there? - Tim.

- Tim. - Come back here!

Get back here. Get after him!

Open up, get after him.

Go on!

Fucking hell, open the door.

Open the door, it's the police.

Open up!

I can't believe it.

The one imbecile thick enough to actually try to kill me

and he has a crisis of confidence.

Shh, shh, shh, keep your voice down.

And what kind of fundamentalist changes his fucking mind?

Open up! Open this door right now!

Open up!

Get out of the car, sir!

Don't you dare... don't you fucking dare drive away.

Don't... get out!

This is the trouble with you believers, isn't it?

You incense-burning, bean counting, morning masses.

For all your pointless frenzy,

You never actually put your money

where your mouth is, do you?

'Cause if you really believed in an afterlife,

if you actually believed there were somewhere else

beside this shitty place, you'd spike the sacrament

with fucking cyanide and line up to gulp it down.

This is DCI Hodge, I'm in pursuit

of a red hatchback driving north.

I'm in need of backup, the man may be armed and dangerous.

Repeat: Backup now.

Because you Catholics

you're just sniveling agnostics, aren't you,

pathetic Debbie doubters,

too terrified to pick a side.

Too scared to make a fucking choice.

Does anyone got a fucking key?

Oh, I... I am making a choice.

You, come on,

you're not even gonna be a hero

in your own ideology.

I don't wanna be a hero!

I just wanna save your life.

Even if you are a...

...a big knob.

Now, please, can you help me get this open?

I apologize.

Acting in self-defense is too good an opportunity

to turn down.

You can't buy that sort of publicity.

Sorry, chum.

No, no wait.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck!

How do you turn this fucking thing on?

♪ And he said bide, lady, bide ♪

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

No, no, no!

♪ Why do you sit there lady fair ♪

♪ All in your robes of red ♪

♪ I'll come tomorrow at this same time ♪

- ♪ And have you in me bed ♪ - Oh my God.

Fuck sakes, get the key in the lock,

insert, insert!

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

♪ Away, away you coal black smith ♪

♪ Would you do me wrong ♪

♪ For to think to have me maiden head ♪

♪ That I have kept so long ♪

♪ I'd rather I was dead and cold ♪

♪ And me body laid in the grave ♪

♪ Than a lusty, dusty, coal black smith ♪

♪ Me maiden head should have ♪

♪ And he said bide, lady, bide ♪

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

Just give them to me. Give them.

Arresting you on suspicion of...

♪ That he would have her maiden head ♪

♪ For the half of that or less ♪

- Fuck off! - ♪ Crying bide, lady, bide ♪

♪ There's nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ For the lusty smith will be your love ♪

♪ And he will lay your pride ♪

Ouch.

I want to go home.

♪ It was pleasant and delightful ♪

♪ on a midsummer's morn ♪

♪ Where the green fields and meadows ♪

♪ were buried in corn ♪

♪ And the blackbirds and thrushes ♪

♪ sang on every green tree ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ at the dawning of the day ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ And the larks they sang melodious ♪

♪ At the dawning of the day ♪

Two weeks on, Father,

what's the mood been like for you in the parish?

Well, as I said, we're in shock, deep shock.

We saw no signs of the disturbance

of those boys.

No warning.

We just wish we could have done more.

And what about those suggesting some link

between the church and...

Oh, absolutely not, no.

No, an ill mind is an ill mind.

There's nothing Christian about it.

I mean, put it like this.

Parishioners are coming back to the church

who haven't attended for 20 years,

and that's because, at moments like this,

there is nothing more powerful

than community and Christian love.

Professor, care to add anything?

No, I'm... I'm not gonna bite.

This is hardly the time.

But I would just add that I feel oddly grateful

for the experience.

I mean, I hug my kids a little tighter each night.

I... I kiss my wife a little more often.

Is this a softer side to Professor Huxley

that will be evidenced in future work?

Look, both Enoch and I

might seem somewhat divisive figures.

I mean, we'd hardly share a platform like this

in the normal course of events.

But we both vehemently reject

the terrorism embraced by these young men,

particularly in this day and age.

We understand the importance

of putting aside our differences

at a time when common humanity must come to the fore.

Amen.

Professor Huxley, Father Enoch,

thank you very much.

You'll be sticking around

for a look at tomorrow's headlines.

Oh, we're not going anywhere.

Fantastic.

Back now to the suspected terror attack in Rome.

- ♪ Oh I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ In the Lord up above ♪

- ♪ Oh, I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I've been saved ♪

♪ By His sweet, sweet, sweet love ♪

- ♪ Oh, I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ That the Lord He loves us all ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I will answer when my sweet Jesus calls ♪

♪ I was weak, but now I'm strong ♪

♪ For His love guides me all day long ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ Oh, yes, I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe, oh, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Oh, I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ In the Lord up above ♪

- ♪ Oh I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I've been saved ♪

♪ By His sweet, sweet, sweet love ♪

- ♪ Oh, I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ That the Lord He loves us all ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I will answer when my sweet Jesus calls ♪

♪ I was weak, but now I'm strong ♪

♪ For His love guides me all day long ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ Oh, yes, I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe ♪

♪ I believe, oh, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Well, I believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

- ♪ I said I do believe ♪ - ♪ I believe ♪

♪ In the Lord up above ♪

♪ I've been saved by His sweet, sweet love ♪

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull