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♪ SQUEAL IF YOU WANT TO

♪ YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO THINK THAT HARD ♪

♪ IT COULD BE WAX AND IT COULD BE GLUE ♪

♪ IT COULD BE ANYTHING

♪ ANYTHING

♪ AND I HEARD ABOUT YOUR VACATION ♪

♪ WELL, WE SAW IT ON THE TV STATION ♪

♪ IT CAME DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪

♪ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN

♪ DOWN LIKE A DIVE-BOMB

♪ IT COMES DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪

♪ LIKE A DIVE-BOMB

OH.

OOH.

DEAR BONIE D,

HERE ARE YOUR TEST RESULTS.

♪ DOWN, DOWN, DOWN

♪ LIKE A DIVE-BOMB

WELL, SHOULD THERE BE A PRAYER OR SOMETHING?

QUIET, YOU.

TODD, YOU OK?

PIECE OF CAKE.

WE CAN DO THIS.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

LET'S GO.

ON 3.

1...

1...

1... 2...

2...

Kirsten: 3.

ARE WE HAPPY?

YES! WE'RE HAPPY.

FABER?

MAN, THEY REALLY SEAL THESE.

GIVE ME THAT.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, MAN. PERFECT SCORES.

Kirsten: YOU GOT PERFECT SCORES.

I GUESS I TEST WELL.

YES!

SO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, DON'T YOU?

BIG SCREW-UP AT S.A.T. CENTRAL?

FREE REFILLS?

NO.

WE CAN ALL BE IN BOSTON TOGETHER.

OOH.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?

ME AND YOU?

BOSTON?

ALONE?

MM-HMM.

OOH.

SOUNDS A LITTLE HECTIC.

HOW COME YOU NEVER RETURN MY CALLS?

ALL RIGHT, JUST CLOSE YOUR TEXTBOOKS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

CALCULUS IS NOT FOR WIMPS.

28% OF YOU DID NOT PASS THE MIDTERM.

MISS NATAFIO...

SHAKE THE DUST OUT OF YOUR SKULL.

MR. BUCHANAN, I'VE SEEN SQUIRRELS

SCORE HIGHER ON TESTS.

TRUE STORY.

MR. FABER.

KNOCK IT OFF.

YOU'RE MAKING EVERYBODY LOOK BAD.

Woman: OOH.

MR. BOOMER.

HMM.

YOU WERE FLYING HIGH.

DID YOU HIT AN AIR POCKET?

EXCUSE ME, MR. MUELLER?

DID YOU FALL ASLEEP AT THE CONTROLS?

IS THERE TERRORISM INVOLVED?

YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN IN FLAMES.

SEE ME AFTER CLASS.

DON'T FORGET, HAVE YOUR PARENTS SIGN THOSE

AND RETURN THEM TO ME.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, MR. MUE--

OH. YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FORM BACK.

I WON'T BE RECOMMENDING YOU FOR HARVARD.

WHAT?

MR. MUELLER, IT WAS ONE BAD GRADE.

17,000 EXCELLENT STUDENTS

APPLY THERE EVERY YEAR.

86% DON'T GET IN.

YOU DO THE MATH.

YEAH, BUT UP UNTIL NOW I'VE HAD GREAT GRADES.

UP UNTIL NOW IT'S BEEN LITTLE LEAGUE.

LOOK, I'LL TRY HARDER. I'LL BRING MY GRADE UP.

YEAH.

WELL...I WON'T HOLD MY BREATH.

CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT.

AAH!

GOOD ONE!

SORRY.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA SCREAM, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

AAH!

HOW WAS THAT?

MISS?

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

♪ WHEN I WAS BACK I WAS A YOUNG AND BITTER MAN ♪

HI, YOU GUYS. ISN'T THIS GREAT?

ANOTHER KIM O'BRIEN HALLOWEEN EXTRAVAGANZA.

SO THE RULES ARE:

NO BEER, NO DOPE...

NO SEX. NO SEX.

WE KNOW THEM. RIGHT. OF COURSE.

YOU KNOW I JUST HAVE TO SAY IT.

THERE'S BEERS IN THE FRIDGE.

OF COURSE THOSE ARE THE 3 SELLING POINTS

THAT GOT US HERE.

OH, YEAH, I KNOW.

I'M GOING TO GO SAY HI TO JENN.

REMEMBER, WE MUST DANCE. DON'T FORGET.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE. SEE YOU.

YOU LOOK...

SUPER TONIGHT, KIM.

AW, THANKS.

OH, MY GOD!

BRAD, TANYA!

OH, HEY!

SUPER!

I SAID SUPER.

YES, YOU DID.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME.

EVERY TIME I GET AROUND A GIRL I LIKE,

I TURN INTO GREG BRADY WITH BETTER HAIR.

♪ I'M TURNING JAPANESE, I THINK I'M TURNING JAPANESE ♪

♪ I REALLY THINK SO

♪ I'M TURNING JAPANESE, I THINK I'M TURNING JAPANESE ♪

♪ I REALLY THINK SO

WANT TO DANCE?

YES. YES.

OK.

GREAT. SURE.

OH, GOD.

OHH!

♪ I'M TURNING JAPANESE, I THINK I'M TURNING JAPANESE ♪

♪ I REALLY THINK SO

YES!

PAUL? PAUL, OVER HERE!

♪ I BET YOU PICTURE HER, I BET YOU PICTURE HER... ♪

♪ I WANT TO TALK TO HER

♪ SOMETIMES I PICTURE HER

♪ SO I CAN LOOK AT YOU FROM INSIDE AS WELL... ♪

OH, MAN.

WHY DO WE COME TO THESE THINGS, AGAIN?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS... TO APPRECIATE IT MORE

WHEN WE'RE ALONE.

MMM.

MMM, MR. SMOOTH.

OH, LET'S GO OUT TO THE PARK.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

COME ON.

NO, NO.

COME ON.

DON'T MAKE ME-- OH, TWIST MY ARM.

OH.

SO...

SO, HOW ABOUT ANOTHER POEM?

OK.

OK.

ARE YOU STILL COLD?

I MEAN, IF YOU ARE, WE COULD GO BACK.

NO, NO, NO. THIS IS NICE.

IT'S, UM...

I MEAN...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M...READY.

WHAT?!

I--I THOUGHT THAT...

YOU--TODD.

I-I'M--

YOU KNOW...

I'M--I'M SORRY.

JUST...

LET'S GO.

PAUL?

PAUL!

OH. THERE YOU ARE.

OH, GOD.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, THANK GOD.

I CAN'T TALK NOW. I'M BEING CHASED BY A NUN.

DRIVE! GO, GO, GO!

♪ WHATEVER COMES AND GOES

♪ WHATEVER COMES AND GOES

SO YOU AND KIRSTEN...

NO.

MISSION SCRUBBED.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I PULLED OUT A CONDOM.

I THOUGHT THEY WANTED US TO USE CONDOMS.

NO, I MEAN

I PULLED IT OUT TOO EARLY.

THERE'S A TIME LIMIT?

I GUESS SO.

Man on radio: 101.7 KFNX, BOSTON.

IT'S GETTING A LITTLE CHILLY...

Todd: AH, YES, ANOTHER EXCITING EVENING IN SOUTHPORT.

Woman: OHH!

DID YOU SEE THAT?

YEAH.

I'M GOING BACK.

ARE YOU INSANE?

PROBABLY.

AT LEAST WE'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO DO.

Todd: WOW. LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH. '66 CORVETTE STINGRAY.

HOLD IT.

SHH, SHH, SHH.

HI. YOU NEED SOME HELP?

YOU GUYS COOL?

YEAH.

WE'RE COOL.

YEAH.

OH, WAIT. YOU'RE THE GUY

FROM THE RESERVOIR.

YEAH.

HI.

YOU WANT TO HOP IN?

THANKS.

WHAT RESERVOIR?

IS THERE A RESERVOIR I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT?

WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE DOESN'T CARRY A SPARE TIRE?

UM...I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION.

THANKS FOR STOPPING.

I'M VICKY.

HI. I'M TODD. THIS IS FABER.

HEY!

THAT HAS GOT TO BE

JUST ABOUT THE NEATEST CAR.

YEAH, WELL...

IT'S MY HUSBAND'S.

UH, IF YOU'RE COLD, THERE'S A JACKET BACK THERE

THAT YOU CAN WEAR.

YEAH. THANKS.

I GOT WET STANDING OUT THERE.

CAN WE TAKE YOU ANYWHERE?

WHERE YOU GOING?

NOWHERE.

NOWHERE.

ME, TOO.

NOWHERE.

OK, FINE.

OK.

THANK YOU. THERE YOU ARE.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

AND YOUR LOBSTER.

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WEIRD GOING ON HERE.

IF BY WEIRD, YOU MEAN THAT WE'RE HANGING OUT

WITH A GORGEOUSLY STUNNING WOMAN,

THEN YES, THIS IS WEIRD.

EXACTLY.

WHOO.

WHOO.

WELL, THEY'RE SENDING A TOW TRUCK

IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

AW, GREAT!

EXCELLENT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, JUST OUT CRUISING THE NIGHT?

YOU KNOW, WE WERE DOWN AT THE BEACH

AT A SHINDIG.

SHINDIG?

SHINDIG? WHEN DID YOU START CHANNELING DICK CLARK?

I DON'T USUALLY SAY SHINDIG. IT'S JUST...

HE DOESN'T.

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SAID SHINDIG.

HE HASN'T. I CAN VOUCH FOR HIM.

YOU GUYS.

YOU WANT TO, UH, ORDER SOME FOOD OR SOMETHING,

AND WE'LL DRIVE YOU OVER LATER?

OH, UH...

YEAH.

YEAH.

PEGGY. CAN...

SO, UH, WHAT DOES ONE DO

AT THESE SHINDIGS?

IT'S KIND OF BEEN A WHILE FOR ME.

A LOT OF...ANXIETY...

REJECTION.

IT'S SUPER.

ARE YOU OK?

ICE CREAM HEADACHE.

UH-HUH.

HE GETS THEM ALL THE TIME.

Vicky: MMM.

MMM.

MMM-MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

OH. SORRY.

I JUST LOVE ICE CREAM.

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY IN AGES.

Todd: SO, VICKY, WH-WHAT DO YOU DO?

OH, UM, I'M KIND OF BETWEEN THINGS RIGHT NOW.

MUSIC...

STUDYING...

SCULPTING.

SCULPTING?

YEAH. IT'S, UH, MOSTLY METAL WORK.

IT'S KIND OF A HOBBY OF MINE.

COOL.

Faber: HEH HEH HEH.

YES...

HA HA HA HA!

HE DID IT!

HA HA HA HA!

GREAT.

LET'S GO.

AWW...

SORRY.

AND 11 CENTS.

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

SHOULDN'T YOU AT LEAST LET US GET THE TIP

OR SOMETHING, PLEASE?

IF YOU WANT TO.

ABOUT 2.75.

2.75...

OOH....

DUDE.

SHE DUSTED YOU.

MATH DEGREE, UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

VERY USEFUL.

MATH DEGREE?

UH...SO, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CALCULUS?

YEAH.

SEE, UH--

I--I TANKED THIS MIDTERM, AND, UH...

IF I DON'T PASS THIS COURSE,

MY LIFE IS BASICALLY OVER WITH.

OH...COME ON. I'M SURE THAT'S NOT TRUE.

OH, IT'S TRUE.

JEEZ, TODD, I CAN HELP YOU WITH CALCU--

AAH!

UH, SORRY, GUYS.

UH...

SQUIRREL.

WELL, HERE IT IS.

YOU NEED US TO FOLLOW YOU OR ANYTHING?

NO. I'M FINE. REALLY.

I WAS REALLY HAVING A BAD NIGHT THERE

FOR A WHILE.

BUT YOU...

YOU'RE...

ANYWAY...

I SHOULD GO.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

BYE, FABER.

BYE.

AMAZING.

TOTALLY AMAZING.

VICKY!

LOOK, UM...

ABOUT CALCULUS...

YOU THINK I COULD... GET SOME HELP?

UH...

WELL, I--

PLEASE, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT.

YOU'D BE SAVING MY LIFE.

UH...

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

YEAH?

GREAT.

THANKS.

OH, HEY, YOU CAN CALL ME. I'M LISTED.

LAST NAME'S BOOMER.

2 Os.

OK.

GOOD NIGHT.

BOOMER WITH 2 Os.

AS IN MORON.

YEAH, AS IN MORON.

TRICK OR TREAT.

WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

KIND OF LATE, ISN'T IT?

WHY ARE YOU STILL UP?

NOT THE BEST DAY OF YOUR ACADEMIC CAREER.

I MEAN, I DON'T-- I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M DISAPPOINTED.

I'M--I'M ANGRY.

AND I'M SAD.

I'M SAD THAT THE ONE THING YOU'VE WORKED SO HARD FOR

IS JUST--IT'S JUST--

IT'S JUST SLIPPING RIGHT THROUGH YOUR FINGERS.

DAD, IT'S JUST ONE--

LET ME FINISH.

W-WE WORKED SO HARD FOR THIS THING,

AND HARVARD IS-- IT'S THERE, YOU KNOW?

ON A PLATTER. IT'S JUST WAITING FOR YOU,

AND YOU'RE JUST-- YOU'RE JUST BLOWING IT.

I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I SHOULD GET A TUTOR.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YEAH, DAD, I GOTTA KICK ASS ON THIS COURSE, RIGHT?

I SHOULD GET SOME HELP.

YOU'RE...YOU'RE GONNA GET A TUTOR?

THAT'S GREAT.

THAT IS GREAT.

I-I'LL HELP YOU GET ONE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? ACTUALLY, I'VE GOT IT TAKEN CARE OF.

YOUDID?

HI.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.

THE ANSWERS

TO YOUR MATH FINAL...

ARE HIDDEN SOMEWHERE

ON MY BODY.

FIND THEM.

THAT'S MY WIFE, PUNK!

WHAT IS THIS, OLIVE LOAF?

YES, WEASEL, THIS IS OLIVE LOAF.

CAKE.

WELL, FINALLY HIT THE WALL

WITH MY MOM.

SHE DRIVES ME INSANE.

I'M GONNA MOVE OUT TO THAT CABIN IN BACK.

CABIN? FABER, THAT'S NOT A CABIN.

THAT'S A TOOLSHED. YOU REALIZE THIS?

YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH WEED-BE-GONE.

BANANA.

SO, UM...

HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO KIRSTEN?

NO.

OH, BUT, UH...

GUESS WHO CALLED.

SHE CALLED?

SHE CALLED.

WHO CALLED?

NOBODY. NOBODY.

UM...

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

OH, YEAH, ME, TOO.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

NO, NO. I'M SORRY.

I THINK I OVERREACTED A LITTLE BIT.

OH, NO. EVERYTHING'S...COOL.

REALLY?

I GUESS I JUST NEED A LITTLE MORE TIME,

YOU KNOW?

TIME IS GOOD.

BUT, UM...

HEY, NOT TOO MUCH TIME, OK?

HMM.

WOW!

BUT THAT IS WHAT THERAPY IS FOR.

NO, ELLEN, I DISAGREE.

I THINK IT DOES QUALIFY AS A COLD.

Todd: I'LL GET IT.

I GOT IT.

HELLO.

HI.

MR. BOOMER?

YES. WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE SELLING, I'LL BUY

OR GIVE GENEROUSLY TO.

UH, ACTUALLY,

I'M TODD'S TUTOR VICKY.

YOU'RETODD'S TUTOR?

UH-HUH.

COME IN.

COME IN.

THANKS.

SUDDENLY I UNDERSTAND THE WORLD...

SO MUCH BETTER.

ELAINE,

COME MEET TODD'S TUTOR.

Vicky: HI, TODD.

HI.

VICKY, COULD I ASK YOU TO TAKE A SEAT

FOR JUST A SECOND?

SURE.

GREAT.

ELVIS.

WELL, ELLEN, IF YOU CHECKED YOURSELF IN,

YOU COULD CHECK YOURSELF OUT.

I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

DOES, UH, SHE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CALCULUS,

OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA TAKE THE 50 BUCKS AN HOUR

AND HAVE A PARTY?

DAD, SHE'S GOT A DEGREE.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW. HERE, GIVE IT A TRY.

ALL RIGHT.

VICKY.

WOULD IT BE OK IF I JUST ASKED YOU

A QUESTION OR TWO,

JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW YOUR--

YOU'RE UP ON THIS MATERIAL?

HE'S GOING TO ASK HER A QUESTION OR TWO.

UH, SURE.

ALL RIGHT, HERE.

"IF 3A OVER 5

"REPRESENTS THE CHANGE IN FORCE

"APPLIED TO A MOVING OBJECT,

WHAT EQUATION REPRESENTS ITS MOMENTUM?"

UH...

OH, HOLD ON. HOLD ON, ELLEN.

DAD.

HMM?

3/5 TIMES THE INTEGRAL OF A.

OK.

WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR DINNER.

YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.

I GUESS I WAS EXPECTING SOMEONE

A LITTLE MORE...

MATURE.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

TODD IS GONNA WORK HIS BUTT OFF

TO IMPRESS A WOMAN LIKE THAT.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SHE'S THAT ATTRACTIVE?

FOR ME? NO.

NO. BUT I'M JUST THINKING FROM TODD'S PERSPECTIVE.

YOU SEE, SHE'S OLDER. SHE'S MORE SOPHISTICATED.

AND THAT CAN BE VERY APPEALING

IF YOU, YOU KNOW, IF YOU GO FOR THAT...

SORT OF THING.

OH.

I DON'T...GO FOR THAT SORT OF THING.

OK.

I THOUGHT WE'D START OFF WITH YOUR LAST TEST

AND WORK FROM THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M SURE I'VE GOT THIS WRONG.

♪ ...ACROSS A ROOM

♪ AND I GUESS THIS MEANS WE'RE FIGHTING AGAIN ♪

♪ THE ROOM IS STARTING TO SPIN ♪

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

♪ FLOATING AROUND INSIDE MY HEAD ♪

♪ AND I FELT IT...

EXACTLY.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK?

OH, SURE. LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE.

YEAH.

UH...

WE'VE GOT...LEMONADE

AND CHOCOLATE MILK.

UH...WOULD SCOTCH BE POSSIBLE?

SCOTCH WOULD BE SO POSSIBLE.

JUST ONE SECOND.

THANKS.

SO WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO,

TODD BOOMER WITH 2 Os?

I DON'T KNOW. DRAWING.

I DRAW A COMIC FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER.

REALLY?

MAYBE IT SOUNDS A LITTLE SILLY, BUT...

NO, IT SOUNDS GREAT.

WHAT? I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UP HERE?

OH, NO.

UH--STAY.

PLEASE.

HERE.

THANKS.

HERE.

OH, THAT'S MY MEAT--

MY MEAT LOAF, I MEAN.

OH, I SHOULD LET YOU HAVE YOUR DINNER.

OH, NO. NO, I MEAN,

I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO EAT ANY OF IT,

AND THERE'S NO MEAT IN IT.

I MEAN IT'S JUST...LOAF.

NO, ACTUALLY...

I SHOULD GET HOME.

ARE YOU REALLY LEAVING?

YES, I'M REALLY LEAVING, TODD.

OH, UM...WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

SURE.

IT KIND OF FELT GOOD TO BE, UM...

YOU KNOW.

I'M JUST GLAD I COULD HELP.

SO, UM,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL

AFTER YOU FINISH THE NEXT CHAPTER,

ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S ONLY 3 THINGS I NEED TO SURVIVE--

COMPUTER, TUNES, FOOD.

AND WOMEN?

HEY, WOMEN WILL MAKE THE LIST SOMEDAY.

AS SOON AS I LEARN HOW TO SPEAK TO THEM

WITHOUT MY TONGUE INFLATING.

SO, COME ON. WHAT HAPPENED?

WE DID CALCULUS.

AND THAT'S IT?

YEAH. I MEAN, IT WAS PROBABLY

THE BEST CALCULUS EVER.

IT MADE ME WANT TO HAVE A CIGARETTE AFTERWARDS,

BUT IT WAS JUST CALCULUS.

OOH, I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE.

BITE ME.

Faber's Mom: PAUL! PAUL! WHERE ARE YOU?

GOD!

PLEASE, GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

NOTE THE BEAUTY OF THE FULLY INTEGRATED

TOOL SHED AUDIO SYSTEM.

Mother: TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN, PLEASE.

PAUL, GET IN HERE!

PAUL!

MR. BODEAN, TROLLING THE MURKY DEPTHS.

MR. FREED, BOTTOM FEEDING AGAIN.

MR. FABER, SMOOTH SAILING, AS ALWAYS.

MR. BOOMER, GETTING THE WIND BACK IN YOUR SAILS.

KEEP IT UP.

MR. McADAMS, FAILING.

♪ GIVE ME LAUGHING GAS

♪ GIVE ME NOVOCAIN

♪ GIVE ME FAST RELEASE

♪ EASE THE PAIN

♪ TELL ME SECRETS PAST

♪ TELL ME SOMETHING DEEP ♪

♪ TELL ME WHAT I ASK

♪ HELP ME SLEEP

UH, HELLO?

VICKY. HEY, TODD.

OH, HI. HOW ARE YOU?

EXCELLENT.

HEY, WE GOT AN 89 ON THIS WEEK'S QUIZ.

WE?

YEAH, I MEAN, WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER, RIGHT?

UH, OK.

SO, UH, YOU THINK YOU COULD COME BY LATER?

TONIGHT?

PLEASE. I'LL DROWN WITHOUT YOU.

WE'RE TALKING TITANICHERE.

OK. HOW ABOUT 6:00?

GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HEY. OH, HEY.

HOW GOES IT? IT GOES GOOD.

GOOD. YEAH.

OOH, LOOK AT THAT.

SO I GUESS THIS TUTOR'S WORKING OUT, HUH.

YEAH, SHE'S GREAT.

I MEAN, SHE'S ACTUALLY HIDEOUS.

REALLY UGLY AND FAT.

GOT THAT WHITE FOAM STUFF.

OH, THAT'S GROSS.

I KNOW, BUT SHE'S EFFECTIVE, YOU KNOW.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT COUNTS.

OH, I'VE GOT TO GO TO HISTORY.

OH, WELL, THOSE WHO FAIL TO GO TO HISTORY...

ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT.

EXACTLY.

OH, DON'T FORGET. IT'S DINER NIGHT TONIGHT.

OH, I CAN'T MAKE IT.

I GOT TO KEEP CRANKING, YOU KNOW.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU JUST--

YOU SEEM--YOU SEEM KIND OF OFF.

I'M SORRY. LOOK, I'LL TRY TO GET AROUND MORE.

I PROMISE. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST--

A MAN WITH A MISSION.

YES.

HI.

ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR NEXT LESSON?

MY PARENTS ARE DOWNSTAIRS.

YEAH.

HELLO?

CHOWDER HEAD, YOU ARE NOT HERE.

WHERE ARE YOU? IT'S DINER NIGHT.

OH, SORRY, I CAN'T MAKE IT.

UH, VICKY'S COMING OVER. DIDN'T KIRSTEN TELL YOU?

SHE'S NOT HERE, I GUESS, WITHOUT THE MAIN ATTRACTION.

WELL, MAYBE I CAN STOP BY LATER.

IT SHOULD BE ANOTHER GLORIOUS FALL DAY

FOR THE GREATER BOSTON AREA WITH FAIR SKIES...

MM-HMM.

Woman on Phone: WELL, SITTING ON MY HEAD.

WELL, I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP ONE MEDICATION

BEFORE YOU START ANOTHER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE FIRST?

OH, JUST A SEC.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

TODD'S TUTOR IS HERE.

HI.

HEY! THERE YOU ARE.

HI. DO YOU LIKE HOCKEY?

'CAUSE THERE IS A GREAT GAME COMING UP.

BRUINS-LEAFS.

OH, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT.

WELL, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

I'LL EXPLAIN THE WHOLE THING TO YOU.

JACK IS FORGETTING THAT VICKY IS HERE

TO WORK WITH TODD.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

UM, HE'S UPSTAIRS.

PROBABLY QUIETER UP THERE.

I'LL GO FIND HIM.

OK. SHE'S A NICE GIRL, HUH?

HI.

IS THIS COOL?

YEAH. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING UP.

WOW. WILD ROOM.

THANKS. UH, JUST HAVE A SEAT.

I'LL GET A CHAIR.

THESE ARE GREAT.

YOU DID THESE?

YEAH.

YOU'RE VERY GOOD.

YOU LIKE THEM?

YEAH. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE.

HERE, TAKE IT.

YEAH?

THANKS.

HERE'S YOUR STACK, FABER.

THANKS, HANK.

YOU BET.

GUESS WHO?

CINDY CRAWFORD, YOU CAME BACK TO ME.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S JUST ME.

SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU.

NO, I'M THRILLED. I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D MAKE THE TRIP.

ARE YOU KIDDING? OF COURSE.

I THOUGHT MAYBE WITHOUT TODD.

OH, WELL, I GUESS HE'S ALL WRAPPED UP

IN THIS CALCULUS THING, RIGHT?

UH, YEAH, HE'S OBSESSED.

SO, NEXT TIME WE'LL START WITH THE NEW STUFF.

UH, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD, UM,

GIVE ME A RIDE TO THE DINER?

UM, SURE. I OWE YOU ONE.

Todd: YOU MADE THIS?

YEAH.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THE REST OF YOUR WORK.

OH, I DON'T REALLY SHOW MY ART.

WELL, CAN IT REALLY BE CONSIDERED ART

IF YOU DON'T SHOW IT TO ANYBODY?

I MEAN, ISN'T THAT MORE LIKE THERAPY OR SOMETHING?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE A PLAIN OLD BURGER.

OH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I GET AROUND SOMEONE, I CAN'T--

I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO IMPRESS LIKE KIM

AND MY BRAIN JUST FILLS WITH TRAIL MIX, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

OH, COME ON. DON'T WORRY ABOUT KIM.

YOU DO FINE.

YEAH, BUT I MEAN, IT'S DIFFERENT WITH YOU.

YOU'RE--

ANYWAY.

HEY, THERE'S FABER.

WHO--WHO'S THAT?

I'M NOT SURE.

WELL, SHE SEEMS SURE.

FABER. VICKY FROM THE CAR THE OTHER NIGHT.

SURE. SURE, UM, VICKY, THIS IS KIRSTEN.

KIRSTEN, THIS IS VICKY.

HI. HI.

TODD WAS HOPING YOU'D STILL BE HERE.

TODD'S HERE?

YEAH, SORRY. VICKY IS TODD'S TUTOR.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT.

HI, GUYS.

SEE YOU MET VICKY.

YEAH, ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T SEE

ANY FOAM IN THE CORNERS OF HER MOUTH, TODD.

KIRSTEN?

IS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

IT'S MY FAULT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

KIRSTEN, LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.

SHE'S JUST HELPING ME IN CALCULUS.

WELL, THEN WHY LIE TO ME?

WHAT, I'M NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE

THAT YOUR TUTOR'S ATTRACTIVE?

GIVE ME A BREAK, TODD.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I LIED.

KIRSTEN, COME ON.

JUST FORGET IT.

KIRSTEN!

IS SHE PISSED?

AND HAS SHE SAID ANYTHING?

UM--

NO, NOT REALLY.

I MEAN, I KNOW I SCREWED THINGS UP WITH KIRSTEN,

BUT VICKY'S JUST--

I LOVE THIS.

YOU GATHERED THE WOOD,

BUILT THE FIRE, CLIMBED INTO THE POT,

NOW SURPRISE, SURPRISE, YOU'RE COOKED.

BYE, PAUL!

SEE YOU IN CLASS.

WHY DOES MY LIFE SEEM LIKE A BAD PUPPET SHOW

COMPARED TO YOURS?

INCOMING.

GO AWAY. GO AWAY.

GO AWAY.

THANK GOD.

I HATE GOALIE.

I MEAN, VICKY'S TALENTED.

SHE'S SMART. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SO KIRSTEN IS WHAT, LOWER ON THE FOOD CHAIN?

NO. NO.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEADS UP.

SHIT.

OW!

Todd: NICE STOP, PELE.

I'M A NATURAL ATHLETE.

♪ I CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER ♪

♪ WHEN YOU FIRST BEGAN TO START THIS SHIT ♪

♪ AND TRY TO MESS WITH MY MIND ♪

♪ I FIND THAT IN THE END

♪ YOU'RE JUST A BIG OLD BORE ♪

♪ WHO WISHED THAT SHE'D HAD MORE ♪

♪ THAN JUST A LITTLE FUN

♪ I DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE

♪ I DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE

♪ I DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE

♪ AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE, DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE ♪

♪ DON'T WANT TO BEHAVE, WHOA

OH!

WELL, HAS HE SAID ANYTHING TO YOU?

UH, NO, NOT REALLY.

I'M SURE HE SAID SOMETHING TO YOU,

BUT YOU'RE JUST BEING LOYAL TO YOUR FRIEND

WHICH I UNDERSTAND.

WELL, YOU'RE MY FRIEND, TOO.

YOU'RE A SWEETHEART.

GIVE ME A HUG.

I DON'T THINK SO. LOOK OUT!

SORRY.

SOMEBODY WANT TO GET THAT?

WHERE ARE YOU--FABER?

THIS WILL COME OUT WITH CLUB SODA.

MR. TODD BOOMER?

NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU'RE NEXT.

UH, NO, NO.

OH, RIGHT.

NOT UNTIL THE INTERVIEWER SITS

OR HE--HE INVITES YOU TO SIT.

RIGHT. YOU GOT IT.

I'VE, UH, LOOKED OVER YOUR APPLICATION TO HARVARD, BUT...

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF

THAT I'M NOT GOING TO FIND

ON THIS PIECE OF PAPER?

WELL, I VALUE FRIENDSHIP.

MM-HMM.

I VALUE HONESTY.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR, UH,

WHAT ABOUT YOUR PASSIONS?

BREASTS. I REALLY LOVE BREASTS.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER THE SIZE.

YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. IS THAT RIGHT?

DAD, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING. RELAX.

DAD, COME ON.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR PASSIONS?

DRAWING.

I REALLY LOVE TO DRAW.

I DRAW A COMIC STRIP FOR THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER

AND I DON'T KNOW-- IT SOUNDS FUNNY--

BUT THAT'S WHEN I FEEL THE MOST ME, YOU KNOW?

I FEEL REALLY PROUD WHEN I CREATE SOMETHING.

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

ALL RIGHT. THE BOAT IS TRAVELING

A DISTANCE OF 200 YARDS AT 25 FEET PER SECOND.

WHAT IS THE RATE OF CHANGE OF THE ANGLE OF DEFLECTION?

MR. MUELLER.

NO, NO, NO. COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.

SOMEBODY NEW FOR A CHANGE.

BOOMER.

THE RATE OF CHANGE IS--

.04 RADIANCE.

YES, 3-POINTER AT THE BUZZER.

RECOMMENDATION'S LOOKING BETTER.

EVERYBODY SEE THAT?

NOW IF THE BOAT CONTINUES AT 35--

HELLO?

VICKY. HI, IT'S TODD.

OH, HI, TODD. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU.

YOU WERE?

UH, LOOK, I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME THE OTHER NIGHT.

I MEAN, I MEAN, WE GOT SOME REALLY GOOD WORK DONE.

YEAH. OH, AND DID YOU WORK EVERYTHING OUT WITH KRISTEN?

UH, KIRSTEN?

UH, NO, NOT REALLY.

LOOK, UM, ARE WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH, AND, UM,

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID

ABOUT SHOWING MY ART.

AND, UH, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE?

REALLY?

YEAH, IT'S 12 CHATHAM LANE.

ABOUT 6:00?

UH, SURE. GREAT. GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

OK. BYE.

BYE.

BUT ELLEN, I THOUGHT THEY STOPPED DOING

SHOCK THERAPY YEARS AGO.

IT SOUNDS DRASTIC.

I GOT TO GO TO VICKY'S. I'M LATE. BYE.

NO, WAIT!

TODD IS GOING TO HIS TUTOR'S

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

OH, SEE, SHE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF HER DOG.

IT'S HAVING PUPPIES. BYE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HEY!

IS MR. MUELLER WRITING THAT RECOMMENDATION?

IT'S NOT BEYOND THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY. BYE.

IT'S NOT BEYOND THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY?

HE WAS WEARING COLOGNE.

WOW, YOU DID ALL OF THIS?

WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GO THROUGH ALL THIS EFFORT

AND YOU DON'T HAVE SHOWS.

NAH, IT'S JUST FOR ME.

I MEAN, I'D LOVE TO SHOW MY WORK,

BUT PEOPLE MIGHT HATE IT

OR THINK I WAS CRAZY OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.

WELL, MY HUSBAND CERTAINLY DOES.

YOU TWO DON'T GET ALONG, DO YOU?

WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

WHAT HAVE YOU SPENT,

ABOUT A MINUTE IN HERE WITH ME?

YEAH.

THAT'S ABOUT A MINUTE AND A HALF LONGER

THAN HE'S EVER SPENT.

WHY DO YOU STAY?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

COULD WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS?

OK.

BUT YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT THOUGH.

YEAH.

WELL...ANYWAY.

WAIT. I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

HERE, A PRESENT.

A PRESENT? FOR ME?

WHY?

FOR LETTING ME HELP YOU.

SHOULDN'T I BE GIVING YOU THE PRESENT?

COME ON, OPEN IT.

OK.

IT'S BONIE D. DID YOU MAKE THIS?

UH-HUH.

WOW. THANK YOU.

THIS IS AMAZING. THANK YOU.

NO, TODD.

OF COURSE NOT.

SO, TODD, WHAT IS THE BIG FASCINATION WITH HARVARD?

I MEAN, I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME

YOUR PASSION WAS DRAWING.

MOST PEOPLE WISH THEY HAD SOMETHING

THEY COULD GET EXCITED ABOUT.

YOU SHOULDN'T WASTE THAT.

LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

HMM.

TOUCHE. MMM.

OH.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY LIKE THAT NOW, ARE YOU?

NO, YOU'RE NOT. MM-HMM.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

OH, YOU DID.

OH, YOU DOG.

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

OK, STAY STILL. NO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TURNING YOU INTO YOUR ALTER EGO, BONIE D.

OH, MAN.

OK. NOW BARK.

BARK?

RUFF.

NO. COME ON.

A BIG DEEP BARK.

RUFF.

NO.

RUFF.

HA HA.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.

COULD YOU TURN OFF THAT LIGHT?

OK.

IS THIS HAPPENING?

MM-HMM.

OH!

HEY, YOU BETTER GO NOW.

PARENTS MIGHT NOT BELIEVE

YOU WANTED TO SPEND EXTRA TIME DOING CALCULUS.

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS, BUT...

I REALLY LOVE MATH.

I BETTER GO.

IT WAS--I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST SEE LIFE SO DIFFERENTLY NOW.

OH, I'M SURE YOU DO.

YOU JUST SLEPT WITH SOMEBODY'S WIFE.

NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, MAN. IT'S REALLY NOT.

I'M REALLY INTO HER.

I WOULDN'T GET TOO DEEP, TODD.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS TOMORROW.

NO, LOOK, I'VE HEARD THIS GUY IS REALLY AWFUL TO HER.

I MEAN, I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.

NO, NO, AS LONG AS YOU FEEL GOOD.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

JEALOUS MUCH?

JEEZ.

THAT HAS NOTHING-- JUST FORGET IT.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE EXCITED FOR ME.

COME ON, FABER, WE'RE FRIENDS, RIGHT?

GOOD. I GOT TO GET HOME, MAN.

MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO FREAK OUT.

YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR ME.

HE'S GONE.

I'M SORRY.

KIRSTEN?

HEY.

HEY, WAKE UP.

SHIT. OH, I HAVE TO CALL MY MOM.

SHE'S GOING TO BE INSANE.

I'M SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE WOKEN YOU UP LAST NIGHT.

OH, NO, NO, NO, IT'S OK.

I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T.

SHE'LL GET OVER IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MORNING BREATH.

I KNOW. ME, TOO.

I GOT TO GO.

♪ WHENEVER I'M CONFUSED

♪ GONNA SIT IT OUT

♪ SHOCK OF SEEING YOU

♪ SPIT THE PART RIGHT OUT

♪ NOW ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

♪ WHENEVER I'M CONFUSED

♪ GONNA SIT IT OUT

♪ SHOCK OF SEEING YOU

♪ SPIT THE PART RIGHT OUT

♪ ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?

HEY, MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

KIRSTEN, WHAT'S WRONG?

TODD, DON'T EVEN START.

WAIT. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS.

WHAT, YOU FIGURE YOU'RE JUST GONNA LET ME

BLOW IN THE BREEZE, AND IF I BLEW AWAY, WELL THEN GOOD,

YOU WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE? IS THAT IT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SO UPSET ABOUT.

BECAUSE YOU FUCKED YOUR MATH TUTOR

AND YOU LIED TO ME!

THAT'S HIM.Girls: HA HA HA.

YOU TOLD KIRSTEN ABOUT VICKY.

I DIDN'T TELL HER.

THEN HOW DID SHE KNOW?

YOU TOLD HER.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HUH?

SHE--

SHE WAS IN MY ROOM WHEN YOU CAME BY LAST NIGHT.

WHAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

WHAT, YOU SNAKED KIRSTEN?

I DIDN'T SNAKE HER.

NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET.

YET?

YET? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

NICE ETHICS. NICE FRIEND.

HEY, YOU BLEW HER OFF FOR SOME FANTASY,

AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL HER.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS OVER!

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN ME AND VICKY!

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! HEY!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

YOU GIRLS WANT TO FIGHT, TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

MAKE YOURSELVES USEFUL.

MY CAR'S PARKED OUT FRONT IN THE TOW AWAY.

KEEP AN EYE ON IT.

ALL RIGHT? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YES, SIR.

SINCE WHEN DID YOU START PUSHING PEOPLE IN THE HALLS?

WHEN DID YOU FORGET WHO YOUR BEST FRIEND IS?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE LECTURING ME ABOUT ETHICS.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT? OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S VICKY'S CAR.

OH, MY GOD.OH, MY GOD.

OH.

OH, MY GOD. THIS IS--

THIS IS--

THIS IS A '66 CORVETTE STINGRAY, GENTLEMEN.

DON'T TOUCH.

NICE CAR, SIR.

SHE'S A BEAUTY.

YEAH, SHE'S MY LUCKY CHARM.

AND I FEEL LUCKY TODAY. CHECK THESE BABIES OUT.

WHOO-HOO.

YEP, I'M GOING TO CATCH ME SOME DINNER

AT THE RESERVOIR BEFORE DARK.

SEE YOU TOMORROW, BOYS.

I THINK I NEED TO SIT DOWN.

I GUESS YOU WON'T BE GETTING

THE HARVARD RECOMMENDATION NOW.

YOU SHOULDN'T JUST SHOW UP, YOU KNOW.

WHAT IF HE WAS HERE?

HE'S NOT HERE.

NO, MRS. MUELLER.

TODD.

HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER AT FIRST.

VICKY, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

I MEAN, WHAT--

I CAN'T BE WITH YOU.

I KNOW.

HOW COULD YOU HAVE MARRIED...MUELLER?

GOD!

WHAT? IT'S NOT FUNNY.

HE WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

I GUESS IT HAD TO END SOMETIME, RIGHT?

YOU BETTER GO NOW.

Mueller: VICKY!

OH, STOP.

WHAT?

VIC?

WHO'S THAT?

IT'S ROY.

ROY?

MR. MUELLER.

OH, SHIT!

GOD!

OH!

GET BEHIND THE SHELVES.

HEY, HEY.

QUIT WORKING ON THAT CRAP FOR A MINUTE.

LOOK.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

DAH! DINNER.

I'LL JUST CLEAN THIS UP IN THE UTILITY SINK.

CAN'T WE WAIT A WHILE? I'M NOT REALLY THAT HUNGRY.

YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY? WELL, I'M STARVED.

REHEAT YOURS LATER.

BOY, I'M TELLING YOU,

THIS BAIT WAS INCREDIBLE.

I COULD'VE CLEANED OUT THE ENTIRE RESERVOIR--

OH. YEAH.

AND...

MR. SHERMAN, THE EARTH SCIENCE YAHOO AT SCHOOL,

GAVE ME THESE THINGS CALLED DOPSON FLIES.

SOUNDS GREAT.

YEAH. THEY START OUT--

CHRIST, WOMAN, WATCH YOURSELF.

DRINKING?

NO. I JUST LOST MY BALANCE.

YEAH. OK.

TELL YOU WHAT,

WHY DON'T I GRILL THESE?

THAT WAY, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT YOU SCREWING 'EM UP.

OH. ONE OTHER THING.

YEAH?

THERE'S A KID IN MY CALCULUS CLASS--

TODD BOOMER.

YEAH?

I'M GONNA WRITE HIM A RECOMMENDATION,

BUT MY PRINTER'S SCREWED UP.

WHERE'S YOUR OLD TYPEWRITER?

UH, I'LL BE IN IN A SECOND

AND HELP YOU FIND IT.

HURRY.

I THINK I WILL CALL NEXT TIME.

AH.

HA HA!

HMM.

WHOOP!

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

YOU SEEM PRETTY MISERABLE TONIGHT.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

WHAT, ARE YOU WORRIED

ABOUT THE INTERVIEW TOMORROW?

FORGET ABOUT IT.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE GREAT.

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S THE LEAST OF MY WORRIES.

MM?

WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

COME ON, GIVE ME A TRY. THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.

HIT IT.

OK.

I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE'S WIFE,

AND NOW I'M AFRAID

HE MIGHT FIND ME AND KILL ME.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A PROBLEM.

YANKING MY CHAIN, AREN'T YOU?

OH, DAD, OF COURSE I AM.

OF COURSE.

I'LL SEE YA.

DAD.

UM...REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU

THAT I VALUE FRIENDSHIP AND...

HONESTY?

YES.

I MEANT THAT.

I KNOW YOU DID.

WELL, UM...

YOU'VE SCREWED UP BEFORE, RIGHT?

NO, I NEVER HAVE.

NO. I MEAN IT.

YEAH. ONCE OR TWICE.

WELL, ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS,

AT THE END OF THE DAY,

IT'S JUST YOU.

SO I WOULD FACE UP TO IT,

WHATEVER IT IS.

'CAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU,

THE LONGER YOU WAIT, THE WORSE IT GETS.

DOES THAT HELP?

YEAH, IT DOES.

THANKS, DAD.

YOU'RE GONNA KILL 'EM.

YOU'RE GONNA MURDER 'EM.

YOU'RE GONNA MASSACRE 'EM.

♪ 10,000 MEN OF HARVARD WANT VICTORY TODAY... ♪

YOUR TRANSCRIPT AND SCORES...

WELL, UM, EVERYTHING APPEARS TO BE IN ORDER, TODD.

GOOD GRADES,

GOOD S.A.T.s,

SOME INTERESTING ACTIVITIES.

I'LL TELL YOU,

I AM A BIT HAZY ON ONE POINT.

YES, SIR?

IT SAYS HERE

THAT YOU ARE FUCKING YOUR MATH TEACHER'S WIFE.

IS THAT RIGHT?

MR. BOOMER.

OH, MR. MUELLER.

YOU SCARED ME THERE.

BIG DAY TODAY, HUH?

HARVARD INTERVIEW.

OH. YES, SIR.

I WANTED TO CATCH YOU BEFORE CLASS.

DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL ME?

WHAT IS THAT, SIR?

I FOUND THIS AT MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT.

ANY IDEAS HOW IT GOT THERE?

YOU AND MY WIFE...

UH, WELL, YOU SEE, UM...

AND YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT I WOULDN'T CATCH ON?

OK. IT WAS A MISTAKE.

I'M REALLY SORRY. I MADE A MISTAKE.

NO, NO. BOOMER, YOU MADE 2 MISTAKES.

SIR?

A 98.

HA!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT

YOU COULD GET TUTORED BY MY WIFE

AND I WOULDN'T FIND OUT.

HEH! YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY SILLY OF ME.

WELL, UM, FRANKLY,

I'M GLAD TO KNOW WHERE SHE'S BEEN.

ANYWAY, LOOK, I KNOW YOU WANTED ME TO THINK

YOU GOT THERE ON YOUR OWN.

IT'S OK TO GET A LITTLE HELP ON THE SIDE.

SHOWS INITIATIVE.

I'M IMPRESSED, BOOMER.

WELL, UH, I HOPED YOU WOULD BE, SIR.

IN FACT, I DECIDED TO WRITE THAT RECOMMENDATION FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIR.

DON'T TANK ON THE FINAL.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

HEY.

SHE'S GOOD, ISN'T SHE?

MY WIFE.

SHE'S THE BEST, SIR.

YEAH.

HI.

HI!

IS EVERYBODY AFRAID TO SIT NEXT TO YOU

AFTER YESTERDAY'S SCENE?

WELL, NOT EVERYONE.

NO, I'M FEARLESS MAN.

I, UH...

WANTED TO SPEAK WITH YOU...

AFTER THE OTHER NIGHT.

YEAH.

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU BEING THERE FOR ME.

WELL...

I THOUGHT WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT...

US.

IS THERE AN US?

WELL, I'D LIKE THERE TO BE.

SHOULD WE US?

FABER...

YOU KNOW I THINK YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

YOU KNOW IF I WAS GOING TO US WITH ANYONE,

IT WOULD BE YOU.

BUT I REALLY NEED SOME TIME ALONE, YOU KNOW,

FOR A WHILE.

JUST FOR NOW.

HEY, IT WOULD KILL ME TO LOSE YOU AS A FRIEND.

NEVER HAPPEN.

OK.

MR. BODEAN, YOUR BRAIN COULD EASILY BE MISTAKEN

FOR A CAN OF TUNA.

AND MS. O'BRIEN,

2 WORDS DESCRIBE YOUR SEMESTER.

WANT TO GUESS?

"BRAIN DEAD."

PEOPLE, LET ME MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR.

I'M NOT HAPPY YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE.

IT PAINS ME.

IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M WASTING MY TIME.

SO WHY DO I COME DOWN ON YOU SO HARD?

BECAUSE FEAR MOTIVATES.

CASE IN POINT, MR. BOOMER HERE.

6 WEEKS AGO,

HE WAS FLUSHING A NEAR PERFECT HIGH SCHOOL RECORD.

I RATTLED HIS CAGE. NOW LOOK AT HIM--

SECOND HIGHEST GRADE THIS QUIZ,

POISED TO GO TO THE SCHOOL OF HIS CHOICE.

SO IF I TICK YOU OFF, GOOD, GREAT.

USE THAT. PROVE THAT I'M WRONG.

MAKE ME EAT MY WORDS. WORK HARDER.

WE'LL BOTH BE HAPPY.

MR. MUELLER?

TODD.

I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT ME IN CLASS.

DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD.

THE POINT IS THAT, UH, I REALLY DON'T AGREE

WITH THE WAY YOU TREAT YOUR STUDENTS.

THAT'S YOUR PREROGATIVE.

PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY.

YOUR WIFE TAUGHT ME THAT.

TODD, VICKY MAY BE GOOD WITH MATH,

BUT I WOULDN'T TAKE ANY LIFE LESSONS FROM HER.

YOU SLEPT WITH HER, DIDN'T YOU?

SIR?

VICKY--YOU SLEPT WITH HER.

YES.

YES.

OH!

Machine: HI, THIS IS VICKY.

NO!

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP,

AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS I CAN.

VICKY, IT'S TODD. PICK UP THE PHONE!

VICKY, I TOLD HIM.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO, BUT IT JUST CAME OUT.

I TOLD HIM. I'M SORRY, VICKY.

HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER THERE RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU CAN HEAR THIS, IF YOU GET THIS MESSAGE,

GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. PLEASE, RIGHT NOW, GET OUT.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

HI. HONEY, I'M HOME.

ROUGH DAY AT THE OFFICE?

NO, SAME OLD, SAME OLD.

SOME KID SLEPT WITH MY WIFE!

I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE SORRY?

SORRY. I--

ONE OF MY STUDENTS, VICKY!

SHIT.

NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO RUIN MY CAREER.

ROY, STOP IT.

STOP IT!

ENOUGH.

UH-OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

UH...MARY POPPINS.

MARY...

YOU FUCKED UP.

NEVER OPEN AN UMBRELLA INDOORS.

IT'S BAD LUCK.

VERY BAD LUCK.

OK, JUST RELAX, MR. MUELLER, OK?

JUST RELAX.

WAIT, TODD, THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND ROY.

BETWEEN ME, TOO.

OH, BOY, I UNDERESTIMATED YOU, HUH, BOOMER?

I THOUGHT I HAD YOU ALL FIGURED OUT.

YOU DON'T HAVE THE BRAINS OR THE GUTS

TO GO TO HARVARD OR ANYTHING ELSE.

BUT YOU'RE GIFTED. MM-HMM.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

TUTORING'S JUST THE TIP OF IT.

YOU IMPROVED YOUR SCORES AND SCORED WITH MY WIFE,

ALL WITHOUT ME KNOWING IT.

AND THEN I WRITE YOU THE RECOMMENDATION FOR HARVARD.

HA HA!

TH...THAT'S GENIUS!

YEAH, YOU'RE A WIZARD.

YOU'RE A MASTERMIND.

YOU MUST BE VERY PROUD, HUH?

WELL, SHAKE MY HAND.

ROY.

SHUT UP.

LET'S PUT THIS BEHIND US.

I'M SORRY.

IS HE GONE?

YEAH.

YOU WERE REALLY BRAVE BACK THERE.

YEAH. YEAH.

THOUGH YOUR CHOICE IN WEAPONS WAS A LITTLE WEAK.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IF HE WOULD HAVE SPIT AT US...

I'M SORRY.

NO...

I'M ACTUALLY GRATEFUL.

I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THIS

A LONG TIME AGO.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

WELL...

I THINK I'M GOING TO TRY NEW YORK,

TRY THIS...ART THING.

YEAH. I'M GOING TO MISS YOU.

HERE, A SOUVENIR.

WHAT'S THIS?

YOUR HARVARD RECOMMENDATION.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW. AROUND 3:00.

MY INTERVIEW'S AT 4:00!

BYE.

GO.

I'LL COME VISIT YOU IN NEW YORK.

GOOD LUCK.

LOOK OUT. COMING THROUGH.

Interviewer: TODD BOOMER.

DID TODD BOOMER CHECK IN YET?

NO, NOT YET.

SORRY.

TODD BOOMER.

PRESENT.

OK. NEED A MINUTE?

NO, NO, NO, I-I'M FINE.

OK, COME ON IN.

CALCULUS TEACHER.

WELL, TODD, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING

A PRETTY TOUGH DAY.

NO, I'M--I'M FINE REALLY.

OH.

PLEASE.

WELL, I'VE GONE OVER YOUR STATS,

AND EVERYTHING LOOKS...

OK.

BUT I'LL BE HONEST.

YOU'RE NOT A...

TYPICAL HARVARD CANDIDATE.

I DON'T SEE YOU MAKING THE TOP 5 OF YOUR CLASS.

NOT UNLESS THE CHESS CLUB

HAS SOME HORRIBLE ACCIDENT, NO.

TODD, LET ME--LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HARVARD?

UM...

I GUESS MY DAD AND I

HAVE ALWAYS HAD IT PLANNED THAT WAY, YOU KNOW?

HE LOOKS UP TO THE STUDENTS HERE AS--AS SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS...

WHY DO YOUWANT TO GO TO HARVARD?

LOOK, UM...

I'VE BEEN POINTED HERE LIKE A COMPASS MY WHOLE LIFE.

AND NOW THAT I'M HERE--

LOOK, I-I-I KNOW HARVARD IS A GREAT SCHOOL.

I MEAN, IT'S THE GREATEST, RIGHT?

BUT, UH...

I'M--I'M REALLY NOT QUITE SO SURE IT'S FOR ME.

Man: OK, I'M READY.

Second man: NOW JUST REMEMBER EYE CONTACT,

POSTURE, SMILE, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

FIRM HANDSHAKE'S ALL YOU NEED.

OK, DAD. THANKS. I KNOW. THANK YOU.

YEAH. MM-HMM.

HEY!

HOW'D IT GO, BUDDY?

HELLO?

OH, MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I GOT PUNCHED.

HANG ON, ELLEN.

TODD GOT PUNCHED AT HIS HARVARD INTERVIEW.

I DIDN'T GET PUNCHED AT THE INTERVIEW, MOM.

NO WAIT, THAT'S WRONG. HANG ON.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

THIS IS, UH... PRETTY IMPORTANT.

WELL, YOU SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU GUYS THIS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO HARVARD, DO YOU?

NO.

NO, I WAS THINKING ABOUT APPLYING

TO AN ART SCHOOL.

OH, I'LL--

I SHOULD LET YOU 2 DISCUSS THIS.

TODD, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

UM...

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME--

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL LAST NIGHT?

I DON'T THINK I REALLY KNEW UNTIL TODAY.

YOU'RE UPSET.

YEAH. I AM. I AM UPSET.

A LITTLE.

IT'S YOUR DECISION.

Kirsten: YES!

Faber: GOOD. GOOD. OHH!

OK, YOU'RE DOING VERY POORLY.

YOU KNOW, THIS GAME WAS MUCH MORE BORING

BEFORE THEY PUT THE FLIPPERS IN.

OH, MY GOD, YES!

ALL RIGHT. COME ON. WHERE YOU GOING?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DON'T LEAVE ME, FABER. COME ON.

I'M ON A STREAK HERE.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

JESUS, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

DID MUELLER DO THAT?

YEAH, IT'S A LONG STORY.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE A MAJOR PANCAKE MARATHON

TO BE TOLD PROPERLY.

I'LL BUY.

Kirsten: YES! ALL RIGHT!

YOU NEED TO TALK TO KIRSTEN.

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, WELL...

I'M GOING TO...

GO BUILD SOMETHING WITH TOOTHPICKS.

THANKS, MAN. YOU'RE THE BEST.

SO HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?

UH, "DINER NIGHT."

OH, OF COURSE.

SO I MADE A DECISION.

YEAH?

I'M NOT GOING TO HARVARD.

REALLY?

THAT'S A BREAKTHROUGH.

I FIGURE THAT ART SCHOOL

WOULD BE BETTER FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I...

WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, THOUGH.

I GUESS WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS THAT, UH...

I'M--I'M REALLY SORRY.

I--I KNOW I HURT YOU AND...

I NEVER MEANT TO DO THAT.

I GUESS ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS...

IS THAT YOU DON'T WRITE ME OFF AS A FRIEND.

NEVER HAPPEN.

AAH!

AAH!

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GOING TO MISS THIS SPOT

WHEN WE'RE OFF AT SCHOOL.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

I WONDER WHERE WE'LL BE IN 10 YEARS.

WELL, YOU WILL BE WORKING ON YOUR SECOND 100 MILLION

ON...

INTERACTIVE 3-D,

SMELL-O-VISION COMPUTER GAMES.

THE SHED WILL BE TOTALLY DECKED OUT

WITH A JACUZZI AND A WATER SLIDE.

OK. AND ME?

OK. THE PLACE, NEW YORK.

THE EVENT, THE BOOK SIGNING OF YOUR FIRST

WILDLY SUCCESSFUL COLLECTION OF POETRY.

"WILDLY SUCCESSFUL."

I LIKE THAT.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

"DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH YOUR ORDER TODAY, SIR?"

OK.

OK. 2008, WE'LL ALL MEET BACK HERE AND COMPARE NOTES.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Kirsten and Faber: NEVER HAPPEN.

GUYS, COME ON. WORK WITH ME. WORK WITH ME.

♪ WELCOME TO TOMORROW

♪ I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT'S TRUE

♪ ALL THE BLOOD UPON THESE PAGES ♪

♪ TAKES ME AWAY FROM YOU

♪ BUT WHEN TROUBLE TAKES YOUR SPIRIT ♪

♪ MAYBE THEN YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪

♪ WE'RE ONLY SUMMER'S CHILDREN ♪

♪ SOMETIMES

♪ AND ALL THE TIME THE FUTURE'S COMING DOWN ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE ANGELS FALLING TO THE GROUND ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOUR VOICE ♪

♪ TELL YOU, I DON'T EVEN WANT MY SECOND CHOICE ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NEAR IT

♪ I'M IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE

♪ BUT I HATE THEM, TOO

♪ I HATE TO SEE ALL THE DAMAGE ♪

♪ BEING DONE TO YOU

♪ WHEN YOUR EYES ARE BROKEN WINDOWS ♪

♪ EVERY TIME I SEE YOU SMILE ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE BEING BACK IN HEAVEN ♪

♪ FOR A WHILE

♪ AND ALL THE TIME THE FUTURE'S COMING DOWN ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR THE ANGELS FALLING TO THE GROUND ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOUR VOICE ♪

♪ I TELL YOU, I DON'T EVEN WANT MY SECOND CHOICE ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ TELL ME, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOUR VOICE ♪

♪ ALL I EVER WANT TO DO NOW IS REJOICE ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ AHHH