Original subtitles

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things That make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

Dear Santa, I hope this letter finds you and the missus well.

Saw some recent pics, and can I just say,

you are working those red pants, king.

You see, Rupert, you don't just jump right into the request.

It takes a deft hand and tact.

I demand the blouse Timothee Chalamet is wearing in this photo.

I don't know where it's from, but you're Santa,

I trust you'll figure it out.

I would start at Balenciaga, but I'm not telling you how to do your job.

- Hi, Stewie. - Hey, Can you knock?

This isn't stall three at the LaGuardia men's room.

[sighs] What are you doing?

I'm writing a letter to Santa. You know, writing?

What you pretend to do at Starbucks.

Well, I don't know if you should expect too much for Christmas,

considering you're definitely on the naughty list.

Oh, Brian the old Stewie was on the naughty list.

I haven't tried to kill Lois for I don't know how long.

Letting your mother live, that's nice.

Stewie, you do a lot of things that aren't nice

besides trying to kill your mom.

Oh, yeah? Name one.

You lured Chris to a remote cabin

and tried to drown him, because he used to sleep with Rupert.

Crime of passion. No jury would convict.

You cut the course at that 5k.

You can go through a gas station if it's on a corner.

You didn't see Wakanda Forever

in the theater on opening weekend.

I was still afraid of Covid.

Not too afraid for JLo's Marry Me.

Brian, I was the only one in that theater.

Well, I don't know. Did you get a "save the date" for December 25 yet?

No.

Maybe it went to my spam folder?

No, these are like Adam Schiff emails.

They go right to your inbox.

I'm sorry, Stewie, but it's looking like you're on the naughty list.

This is bad.

I need to turn this around before Christmas.

I think it's a little late in the game for that.

Lots of people do things last minute at Christmas, Brian.

Jesus is gonna love my gift.

- Mine, too. - Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Hey, guys, I'm just going to, like, pull in here for a minute,

just... just to see if they have a bathroom and whatnot.

Good morning, employees.

I have an exciting announcement.

For our workplace holiday festivities,

the brewery will partake in an office-wide white elephant.

- Where's Angela? - Dead.

For those unfamiliar with the rules of a white elephant gift exchange,

I've asked gangly Judiah, Jeff Goldblum, to explain it to you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Welcome. Greetings and salutations.

Yes, yes, yes.

White elephant.

Oh!

'Tis the season.

Ho ho ho!

Merry, merry, Mary Steenburgen the Bergen Mary.

Yes. Yes.

[playing piano]

Oh, ivories, tickle, tickle.

Guchie Goo.

Mr. Steinway, please meet Mr. Gershwin.

♪ I've got rhythm ♪

♪ I've got music ♪

There's ten more hours of that

available on the company's website.

Is this a mandatory participation sort of thing?

Statistically, white elephants are the best time to poop,

because the bathroom's empty due to everyone being at the white elephant.

Yes, everyone must participate.

And candidly, your evaluation for the year

largely hinges on it.

Lastly, I'd like to remind you all

that sex toys are not an appropriate gift.

No matter how many times I say it,

each year, there's always one.

Forget sex toys.

Need I remind you, that's how Keith from accounting got his guitar.

My life's been a living hell ever since.

- [door bangs open] - Somebody say Keith?

Oh, and look here, brought my buddy with me,

and I think he has something to say.

Here comes the back story.

You know, last year I looked into a telescope in the Southwest,

changed my life forever.

This song is called "Are they out there?"

And it's an original.

Obviously.

[♪ Christmassy music playing]

I got your text. What's so urgent?

Did your Google alert for "David Beckham divorce" go off?

No, but it will. Tom and Gisele's breakup

really sent a shockwave through that tier of hotness.

Help me carry my weapons to the trash.

This is the end of evil Stewie, Bri.

I'm breaking good.

Stewie, I think you might be overreacting to this naughty and nice stuff.

No, no, Brian. You pointed it out and you were right.

I'm in your debt.

Are these guns from Rick and Morty?

Yeah, they had kind of a fire sale over there.

[♪ Christmas music playing]

God, this one's full of your diapers.

Those aren't mine. Look at the size of them.

If they're not yours, then whose are they?

[Peter clears throat]

It would behoove you, gentlemen,

never to mention this again.

[TV host] We now return to Dancing with the Stars ,

where stars is in heavy air quotes.

Dancing the foxtrot with her partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy,

it's Octo-Mom's seventh child, whose name is not important.

Okay, who wants to help me decorate the tree?

We've got loads of time for that.

No, we don't. It's already an unspecified date in December.

Unspecified date in December?

That means the white elephant's tomorrow.

All right, Peter, calm down.

You're not the first guy to save Christmas shopping for the last minute.

Wow.

Uh... What is it?

Oh, oh, it's myrrh.

It's a gum resin extracted from a number of small, thorny trees.

Oh, dude, I'm obsessed with gum resin.

Nice.

Okay. I guess this is my birthday and Christmas present.

There's got to be something in here I can wrap and give away.

Kodak disk camera? Dead Dad's shoes?

Tiny cardboard box? That's perfect.

There's something inside. Even better.

This could work. But what if Rebecca from sales gets it?

It needs to be special without seeming like I tried too hard.

And it needs to say, "maybe there's something more to this"

without being psychotic.

Maybe I'll get her a noose with a card that says,

"Don't make me hang out alone."

Nah, I'll do the brooch.

Save the noose for Valentine's.

Welcome to the office holiday party.

Aka, the time of year,

where you're required to use your lunch break

to socialize with people you see every day.

Stella, you drew first for the white elephant.

So, you're up.

Brad Garrett book.

[man] The foreward's by Doris Roberts, God rest her soul.

And we're off. My turn.

What a stunning brooch. I love it.

[phone dings]

Griffin. It's your turn.

All right, Peter. No matter what the next item is,

you gotta get Lois's brooch back. No matter what.

Oh, cool. It's a Jeff Goldblum Cameo.

Yoink! I'll be taking that.

It's your friend, Goldblum, here.

The bloom on the rose, a kiss from a rose.

Seal from Batman, 1990s, yes, yes.

Here, wishing you a happy hump day.

Yes. Happy.

Happy?

Yes. Yes.

I'll be spending my hump day having thinner legs than my wife.

[chuckles]

He just kept going till his phone died.

Good morning, family.

Ho, ho, how's everybody doing?

Chris, have you lost weight?

I've put on five pounds since yesterday.

You wear it well.

Brian, loving the antlers you put on your Prius.

Lot of personality.

And Meg, wow, you look...

like one of your three rashes is clearing up nicely.

Stewie, this is so transparent.

Transparent or not, I'm going to get off

the old naughty list one good deed at a time.

Just this morning, I gave a huge tip at Starbucks.

Wow, a thousand dollars. Thanks.

So how's it going to change your life?

Oh, it's not. I'm the CEO of Starbucks doing an Undercover Boss.

This is going straight to union busting.

Oh. Well, then, fine.

I'm going to start going to Coffee Bean.

- No, you're not. - I'm not.

Get used to it, Bri.

The new nice Stewie is here to stay.

You hear that, Santa?

Oop! I'm late for my shift

volunteering at the animal shelter

for pets Ellen DeGeneres gave away.

Peter, I still haven't found

my special Christmas tree brooch.

Have you checked the bottom of the ocean

like that old lady who threw it around on the Titanic?

It's the brooch I've had since childhood.

Not ringing any bells.

And her name was Rose.

Oh, my God, that was Rose.

That was the same as the lady.

I got to rewatch that.

When I was little, I had a serious case of pneumonia that almost killed me.

But on December 24th, as I lay sick in bed,

my mother pinned a Christmas tree brooch on my nightgown

and I felt my lungs strengthen with each breath I took.

That brooch gave me life.

It's the most special possession I own,

and I wanted to wear it tonight

to your boss's holiday party.

Can't you just get a new one at HomeGoods

or one or the other Cheap Lady Chaos stores?

[all screaming and yelling]

Hi. I'm looking for a chandelier

and some bean soup mix.

Every aisle. That's every aisle.

[♪ band playing Jingle Bells]

I'm so glad you're here, because you want to be,

and not because I'm your boss.

Please, grab a drink and enjoy yourselves.

Do you want to say hi to any of your work friends?

I had the severance procedure done,

so I wouldn't recognize any of these losers off the clock.

- [Peter gasps] - What? What is it?

Uh... I heard the CEO of Bed Bath and Beyond

signed Preston's shower door.

Uh... Susan E. Gove? Are you [bleep] me?

Mrs. Lloyd, you're looking lovely tonight.

What a beautiful brooch.

You think I could see it for a moment

and walk out of the room with it?

My Preston gave this to me as an early Christmas present.

I do a really funny granny character.

Can I borrow your sweater for it?

No, thank you. I don't like comedy.

Griffin, I see you've met Widow Lloyd.

Oh, I'm so sorry your dad died.

He didn't. Her first name is Widow.

Mother, may I have this dance?

Damn it! How the hell am I gonna get that thing back?

Don't worry. You'll get it. You always do.

Aw. Thanks, moose.

Say, is that pill you found outside doing anything yet?

Not yet, moose.

Not yet.

Hey, Stewie. You busy?

Well, it is our anniversary.

But of course, I've always got time for a friend.

Thanks. I just smoked a joint,

and I'd like to run a few philosophical notions by you.

[grimacing] Why, nothing would make me happier.

Good, good. Did you know stars are in the past?

We're starting with stars?

Look around, the world's so damn Orwellian.

You're not going anywhere.

My point is, I think sound could be faster than light.

Hello! Now turn on the light.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, crap. My Postmate called me six times. I gotta go.

Hi, is this Ilyam? You know what? I'll come out.

What tan $6000 car are you driving?

Okay. If I follow him long enough,

there's bound to be an opportunity to swipe Lois's brooch back.

Do you have eyes on the target? Over.

[Stewie] Whoever this is, you've stolen my walkie talkie.

[tires screeching]

I'll never get past the guards.

God, the Fox News must be so loud in there.

[woman on TV] Transgender immigrants are dropping sexy M&Ms

from Chinese balloons.

This is worth being disowned by my family.

So in conclusion, Santa,

I think you can see my remorse is genuine,

and I believe I'm ready to re-enter society

and find my earned place back on the nice list.

Sincerely, Stewie Griffin. Dictated, not read.

Read that back to me.

Mom, I found something weird in the driveway

next to one of Dad's giant diapers.

[Peter] It would behoove you...

[gasps] My vaporizer. Meg, give that to me.

Get off me, Stewie!

- Meg, that's not a toy. - [grunting]

Oh, no, Meg! No!

I hope Santa doesn't hear about this.

Excuse me, sir.

Busy, busy, busy.

I'll come back.

This is really great, man.

Just so stiff carrying this full sack around.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Toys are getting heavy.

[sighs]

- What's your name again? - Derek.

Okay. I just want to know who not to ask for next time.

That's Meg, all right.

I can still smell the bowling alley calzone.

Brian, if Santa discovers this,

there's no way I'll make the nice list.

Who cares about that? Meg's dead.

Yeah, yeah.

When do you think the cutoff is for this year's list?

Like, he's got to be on the road already, right?

- Stewie! - I know this is bad.

I'll figure something out.

Okay, and I'll stand here to make sure

Lois doesn't vacuum up this pile of dust.

[chuckles] I think we're okay there, Bri.

Anybody got any Christmas Eve plans?

I'm gonna just hang around bar parking lots,

looking for crying women like most Christmas Eves.

As a mailman in the holiday season,

I have to uncomfortably linger for tips.

[clears throat]

Bonnie's in Cabo with her hot nephew

I can't figure out how she's related to.

[laughs] Bears no resemblance.

She won't tell me his last name,

and I don't think he owns a shirt.

What about you, Peter?

Got any fun Christmas Eve plans?

Well, actually, fellas, I could really use your help.

I need to break into the room of a woman.

- Giggity. - In a nursing home.

Potentially giggity.

To steal a piece of jewelry.

Not giggity, but by the rule of three giggities, I'm in.

Oh, Meg, thank God Stewie figured out

how to put you back together.

Ta da! Pretty convincing, right?

Stewie, God, what are you doing?

I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

Passing myself off as my older sister,

since I've vaporized her into a pile of dust.

Why are you wearing a dress? Meg never wore a dress.

I haven't changed yet.

And it's a kaftan, you philistine.

You're just in time. I'm auditioning new Megs.

These are all guys.

Yeah. So?

[Brian whispering]

Oh, my stars.

Well, that's too bad. Kevin Smith came close.

If we ever get Meg back, she should wear hockey jerseys.

Okay. First, we gotta get past the security guards.

I'll distract them with seduction.

Then we gotta get past the front desk ladies,

I'll distract them with seduction.

Then we gotta get past the orderlies.

I'll also distract them with seduction.

I think you're overestimating your seduction skills.

Jackie, this intoxicatingly seductive gentleman

and his three friends are here to see you.

I stand corrected.

- May I help you? - Yes.

- We're here to spray the urine aroma. - Oh, okay.

You know, I thought I was smelling other things than urine.

Sounds like we're here just in the nick of time.

I assure you, when we're done, it'll all be urine.

This really was not as hard as you made it out to be.

Okay, let's just get out of here

and not put on her glaucoma sunglasses

to look like terminators.

The burning's gone.

- Is this what eyes are supposed to feel like? - Peter, take those off.

Oh, my God.

You got all black, tiny little Barney Rubble eyes.

Peter, when's the last time you got your eyes checked?

I thought if you shampoo them every night,

you didn't have to get them checked.

Dear Santa, just to remind you,

I've been a perfect angel this year

and deserve lots and lots of presents.

[♪ mellow music playing]

No. You know what? I've vaporized my sister.

I mean, her finger was on the trigger,

but let's not get in the weeds about it.

I know you'd expect the old me to joke about

how gross and annoying she is.

And how this could be seen as a good deed.

But the honest truth is, I looked at her stocking,

the music swelled, and now I miss her terribly.

As I look over my list of presents I want,

I realize I don't need any of them.

I'd trade them all to have my sister back.

Santa, please.

My only wish is for Meg to be returned safely.

I don't need anything else this year.

That's not naughty. That's adorable.

[♪ mellow music playing]

[music swells]

[gasps]

Meg, you're back.

Yeah. I don't know what happened last night,

but I had a pretty crazy dream.

And I woke up hogtied under the Christmas tree.

Ugh! I should probably lay off the nogg next year, huh?

You must have a lot of questions.

Meh. As long as I get a bowling alley calzone,

I'm straight.

I don't believe it.

It's a Christmas miracle.

It's also the first night of Hanukkah.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Are her... Her legs on backwards?

Yeah. Close enough. Rush job. Busy night for Santa.

Move! Move! Move!

Yay! A stick.

I think that's for Brian.

Oh.

Lois, I got you something special.

I know you've been missing this.

[gasps] My Christmas brooch.

Where did you find this?

I could lie, but I'm gonna tell you the truth.

- Under the couch pillow. - Peter.

I gave it away at a white elephant at work

and my boss gave it to his elderly mother,

and I snuck into a nursing home with the guys

to steal it back.

So your Christmas gift to your wife

is something that she already owned.

I also got you a mouse pad that says

"World's Greatest Mom."

Peter, I have a laptop.

That's fine, because I didn't really get it.

Oh, Peter.

The important thing is,

we've run out of time for me to be annoyed.

Morning-breath kiss in front of the kids?

[♪ Christmas music playing]

Merry Christmas.

And no one use the credit card until June.

You know, Peter, it seems like

everyone got what they wanted for Christmas

except for Mrs. Lloyd.

[monitor beeping]

Merry Christmas, Peter's boss's mom.

Well, I gotta say, it feels pretty good

doing something nice for a sweet old woman on Christmas.

It's like that thing about when a bell rings

and an angel gets its wings.

What? What's that?

From It's a Wonderful Life.

Oh, yeah, no, I've never seen that.

You've never seen It's a Wonderful Life?

It starts with a big, loud bell,

and I got scared and turned it off.

Peter, it's a classic.

It's about a mortgage lender...

Always a sympathetic character.

Who's an angry drunk

and winds up threatening to commit suicide

after he DUIs into a tree.

Actually, that sounds hilarious.

Let's watch it tonight.

Oh, it's a date, Mr. Griffin.

[♪ Christmas music playing]