All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S23E00.Gift.of.the.White.Guy.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in
movies And sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good
old-fashioned values ♪

[all] ♪ On which
we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
That make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

Dear Santa, I hope this letter
finds you and the missus well.

Saw some recent pics,
and can I just say,

you are working those
red pants, king.

You see, Rupert, you don't just
jump right into the request.

It takes a deft hand and tact.

I demand the blouse Timothee
Chalamet is wearing in this photo.

I don't know where it's
from, but you're Santa,

I trust you'll figure it out.

I would start at Balenciaga, but I'm
not telling you how to do your job.

- Hi, Stewie.
- Hey, Can you knock?

This isn't stall three at
the LaGuardia men's room.

[sighs] What are you doing?

I'm writing a letter to
Santa. You know, writing?

What you pretend
to do at Starbucks.

Well, I don't know if you should
expect too much for Christmas,

considering you're definitely
on the naughty list.

Oh, Brian the old Stewie
was on the naughty list.

I haven't tried to kill Lois
for I don't know how long.

Letting your mother
live, that's nice.

Stewie, you do a lot of
things that aren't nice

besides trying to kill your mom.

Oh, yeah? Name one.

You lured Chris
to a remote cabin

and tried to drown him, because
he used to sleep with Rupert.

Crime of passion. No
jury would convict.

You cut the course at that 5k.

You can go through a gas
station if it's on a corner.

You didn't see Wakanda Forever

in the theater on
opening weekend.

I was still afraid of Covid.

Not too afraid for
JLo's Marry Me.

Brian, I was the only
one in that theater.

Well, I don't know. Did you get a
"save the date" for December 25 yet?

No.

Maybe it went to my spam folder?

No, these are like
Adam Schiff emails.

They go right to your inbox.

I'm sorry, Stewie, but it's looking
like you're on the naughty list.

This is bad.

I need to turn this
around before Christmas.

I think it's a little
late in the game for that.

Lots of people do things last
minute at Christmas, Brian.

Jesus is gonna love my gift.

- Mine, too.
- Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Hey, guys, I'm just going to,
like, pull in here for a minute,

just... just to see if they
have a bathroom and whatnot.

Good morning, employees.

I have an exciting announcement.

For our workplace
holiday festivities,

the brewery will partake in
an office-wide white elephant.

- Where's Angela?
- Dead.

For those unfamiliar with the rules
of a white elephant gift exchange,

I've asked gangly Judiah, Jeff
Goldblum, to explain it to you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Welcome. Greetings
and salutations.

Yes, yes, yes.

White elephant.

Oh!

'Tis the season.

Ho ho ho!

Merry, merry, Mary
Steenburgen the Bergen Mary.

Yes. Yes.

[playing piano]

Oh, ivories, tickle, tickle.

Guchie Goo.

Mr. Steinway, please
meet Mr. Gershwin.

♪ I've got rhythm ♪

♪ I've got music ♪

There's ten more hours of that

available on the
company's website.

Is this a mandatory
participation sort of thing?

Statistically, white elephants
are the best time to poop,

because the bathroom's empty due to
everyone being at the white elephant.

Yes, everyone must participate.

And candidly, your
evaluation for the year

largely hinges on it.

Lastly, I'd like
to remind you all

that sex toys are not
an appropriate gift.

No matter how many
times I say it,

each year, there's always one.

Forget sex toys.

Need I remind you, that's how Keith
from accounting got his guitar.

My life's been a
living hell ever since.

- [door bangs open]
- Somebody say Keith?

Oh, and look here,
brought my buddy with me,

and I think he has
something to say.

Here comes the back story.

You know, last year I looked into
a telescope in the Southwest,

changed my life forever.

This song is called
"Are they out there?"

And it's an original.

Obviously.

[♪ Christmassy music playing]

I got your text.
What's so urgent?

Did your Google alert for
"David Beckham divorce" go off?

No, but it will. Tom
and Gisele's breakup

really sent a shockwave
through that tier of hotness.

Help me carry my
weapons to the trash.

This is the end of
evil Stewie, Bri.

I'm breaking good.

Stewie, I think you might be overreacting
to this naughty and nice stuff.

No, no, Brian. You pointed
it out and you were right.

I'm in your debt.

Are these guns from
Rick and Morty?

Yeah, they had kind of
a fire sale over there.

[♪ Christmas music playing]

God, this one's full
of your diapers.

Those aren't mine. Look
at the size of them.

If they're not yours,
then whose are they?

[Peter clears throat]

It would behoove you, gentlemen,

never to mention this again.

[TV host] We now return to
Dancing with the Stars ,

where stars is in
heavy air quotes.

Dancing the foxtrot with her
partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy,

it's Octo-Mom's seventh child,
whose name is not important.

Okay, who wants to help
me decorate the tree?

We've got loads
of time for that.

No, we don't. It's already an
unspecified date in December.

Unspecified date in December?

That means the white
elephant's tomorrow.

All right, Peter, calm down.

You're not the first guy to save
Christmas shopping for the last minute.

Wow.

Uh... What is it?

Oh, oh, it's myrrh.

It's a gum resin extracted from
a number of small, thorny trees.

Oh, dude, I'm obsessed
with gum resin.

Nice.

Okay. I guess this is my
birthday and Christmas present.

There's got to be something in
here I can wrap and give away.

Kodak disk camera?
Dead Dad's shoes?

Tiny cardboard box?
That's perfect.

There's something
inside. Even better.

This could work. But what if
Rebecca from sales gets it?

It needs to be special without
seeming like I tried too hard.

And it needs to say, "maybe
there's something more to this"

without being psychotic.

Maybe I'll get her a noose
with a card that says,

"Don't make me
hang out alone."

Nah, I'll do the brooch.

Save the noose for Valentine's.

Welcome to the
office holiday party.

Aka, the time of year,

where you're required
to use your lunch break

to socialize with people
you see every day.

Stella, you drew first
for the white elephant.

So, you're up.

Brad Garrett book.

[man] The foreward's by Doris
Roberts, God rest her soul.

And we're off. My turn.

What a stunning
brooch. I love it.

[phone dings]

Griffin. It's your turn.

All right, Peter. No matter
what the next item is,

you gotta get Lois's brooch
back. No matter what.

Oh, cool. It's a
Jeff Goldblum Cameo.

Yoink! I'll be taking that.

It's your friend,
Goldblum, here.

The bloom on the rose,
a kiss from a rose.

Seal from Batman,
1990s, yes, yes.

Here, wishing you
a happy hump day.

Yes. Happy.

Happy?

Yes. Yes.

I'll be spending my hump day
having thinner legs than my wife.

[chuckles]

He just kept going
till his phone died.

Good morning, family.

Ho, ho, how's everybody doing?

Chris, have you lost weight?

I've put on five
pounds since yesterday.

You wear it well.

Brian, loving the antlers
you put on your Prius.

Lot of personality.

And Meg, wow, you look...

like one of your three
rashes is clearing up nicely.

Stewie, this is so transparent.

Transparent or not,
I'm going to get off

the old naughty list
one good deed at a time.

Just this morning, I gave
a huge tip at Starbucks.

Wow, a thousand
dollars. Thanks.

So how's it going
to change your life?

Oh, it's not. I'm the CEO of
Starbucks doing an Undercover Boss.

This is going straight
to union busting.

Oh. Well, then, fine.

I'm going to start
going to Coffee Bean.

- No, you're not.
- I'm not.

Get used to it, Bri.

The new nice Stewie
is here to stay.

You hear that, Santa?

Oop! I'm late for my shift

volunteering at
the animal shelter

for pets Ellen
DeGeneres gave away.

Peter, I still haven't found

my special Christmas
tree brooch.

Have you checked the
bottom of the ocean

like that old lady who threw
it around on the Titanic?

It's the brooch I've
had since childhood.

Not ringing any bells.

And her name was Rose.

Oh, my God, that was Rose.

That was the same as the lady.

I got to rewatch that.

When I was little, I had a serious case
of pneumonia that almost killed me.

But on December 24th,
as I lay sick in bed,

my mother pinned a Christmas
tree brooch on my nightgown

and I felt my lungs strengthen
with each breath I took.

That brooch gave me life.

It's the most special
possession I own,

and I wanted to wear it tonight

to your boss's holiday party.

Can't you just get a
new one at HomeGoods

or one or the other
Cheap Lady Chaos stores?

[all screaming and yelling]

Hi. I'm looking
for a chandelier

and some bean soup mix.

Every aisle.
That's every aisle.

[♪ band playing Jingle Bells]

I'm so glad you're here,
because you want to be,

and not because I'm your boss.

Please, grab a drink
and enjoy yourselves.

Do you want to say hi to
any of your work friends?

I had the severance
procedure done,

so I wouldn't recognize any
of these losers off the clock.

- [Peter gasps]
- What? What is it?

Uh... I heard the CEO
of Bed Bath and Beyond

signed Preston's shower door.

Uh... Susan E. Gove?
Are you [bleep] me?

Mrs. Lloyd, you're
looking lovely tonight.

What a beautiful brooch.

You think I could
see it for a moment

and walk out of
the room with it?

My Preston gave this to me as
an early Christmas present.

I do a really funny
granny character.

Can I borrow your
sweater for it?

No, thank you. I
don't like comedy.

Griffin, I see you've
met Widow Lloyd.

Oh, I'm so sorry your dad died.

He didn't. Her
first name is Widow.

Mother, may I have this dance?

Damn it! How the hell am I
gonna get that thing back?

Don't worry. You'll
get it. You always do.

Aw. Thanks, moose.

Say, is that pill you found
outside doing anything yet?

Not yet, moose.

Not yet.

Hey, Stewie. You busy?

Well, it is our anniversary.

But of course, I've always
got time for a friend.

Thanks. I just smoked a joint,

and I'd like to run a few
philosophical notions by you.

[grimacing] Why, nothing
would make me happier.

Good, good. Did you know
stars are in the past?

We're starting with stars?

Look around, the world's
so damn Orwellian.

You're not going anywhere.

My point is, I think sound
could be faster than light.

Hello! Now turn on the light.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, crap. My Postmate called
me six times. I gotta go.

Hi, is this Ilyam? You
know what? I'll come out.

What tan $6000 car
are you driving?

Okay. If I follow
him long enough,

there's bound to be an opportunity
to swipe Lois's brooch back.

Do you have eyes on
the target? Over.

[Stewie] Whoever this is,
you've stolen my walkie talkie.

[tires screeching]

I'll never get past the guards.

God, the Fox News must
be so loud in there.

[woman on TV] Transgender
immigrants are dropping sexy M&Ms

from Chinese balloons.

This is worth being
disowned by my family.

So in conclusion, Santa,

I think you can see
my remorse is genuine,

and I believe I'm ready
to re-enter society

and find my earned place
back on the nice list.

Sincerely, Stewie Griffin.
Dictated, not read.

Read that back to me.

Mom, I found something
weird in the driveway

next to one of
Dad's giant diapers.

[Peter] It would behoove you...

[gasps] My vaporizer.
Meg, give that to me.

Get off me, Stewie!

- Meg, that's not a toy.
- [grunting]

Oh, no, Meg! No!

I hope Santa doesn't
hear about this.

Excuse me, sir.

Busy, busy, busy.

I'll come back.

This is really great, man.

Just so stiff carrying
this full sack around.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Toys are getting heavy.

[sighs]

- What's your name again?
- Derek.

Okay. I just want to know
who not to ask for next time.

That's Meg, all right.

I can still smell the
bowling alley calzone.

Brian, if Santa discovers this,

there's no way I'll
make the nice list.

Who cares about
that? Meg's dead.

Yeah, yeah.

When do you think the cutoff
is for this year's list?

Like, he's got to be on
the road already, right?

- Stewie!
- I know this is bad.

I'll figure something out.

Okay, and I'll stand
here to make sure

Lois doesn't vacuum
up this pile of dust.

[chuckles] I think
we're okay there, Bri.

Anybody got any
Christmas Eve plans?

I'm gonna just hang
around bar parking lots,

looking for crying women
like most Christmas Eves.

As a mailman in
the holiday season,

I have to uncomfortably
linger for tips.

[clears throat]

Bonnie's in Cabo
with her hot nephew

I can't figure out
how she's related to.

[laughs] Bears no resemblance.

She won't tell me his last name,

and I don't think
he owns a shirt.

What about you, Peter?

Got any fun Christmas Eve plans?

Well, actually, fellas, I
could really use your help.

I need to break into
the room of a woman.

- Giggity.
- In a nursing home.

Potentially giggity.

To steal a piece of jewelry.

Not giggity, but by the rule
of three giggities, I'm in.

Oh, Meg, thank God
Stewie figured out

how to put you back together.

Ta da! Pretty
convincing, right?

Stewie, God, what are you doing?

I think it's pretty
self-explanatory.

Passing myself off
as my older sister,

since I've vaporized
her into a pile of dust.

Why are you wearing a dress?
Meg never wore a dress.

I haven't changed yet.

And it's a kaftan,
you philistine.

You're just in time. I'm
auditioning new Megs.

These are all guys.

Yeah. So?

[Brian whispering]

Oh, my stars.

Well, that's too bad.
Kevin Smith came close.

If we ever get Meg back, she
should wear hockey jerseys.

Okay. First, we gotta get
past the security guards.

I'll distract them
with seduction.

Then we gotta get past
the front desk ladies,

I'll distract them
with seduction.

Then we gotta get
past the orderlies.

I'll also distract
them with seduction.

I think you're overestimating
your seduction skills.

Jackie, this intoxicatingly
seductive gentleman

and his three friends
are here to see you.

I stand corrected.

- May I help you?
- Yes.

- We're here to spray the urine aroma.
- Oh, okay.

You know, I thought I was
smelling other things than urine.

Sounds like we're here
just in the nick of time.

I assure you, when we're
done, it'll all be urine.

This really was not as hard
as you made it out to be.

Okay, let's just get out of here

and not put on her
glaucoma sunglasses

to look like terminators.

The burning's gone.

- Is this what eyes are supposed to feel like?
- Peter, take those off.

Oh, my God.

You got all black, tiny
little Barney Rubble eyes.

Peter, when's the last time
you got your eyes checked?

I thought if you shampoo
them every night,

you didn't have to
get them checked.

Dear Santa, just to remind you,

I've been a perfect
angel this year

and deserve lots and
lots of presents.

[♪ mellow music playing]

No. You know what? I've
vaporized my sister.

I mean, her finger
was on the trigger,

but let's not get in
the weeds about it.

I know you'd expect the
old me to joke about

how gross and annoying she is.

And how this could be
seen as a good deed.

But the honest truth is,
I looked at her stocking,

the music swelled, and
now I miss her terribly.

As I look over my list
of presents I want,

I realize I don't
need any of them.

I'd trade them all to
have my sister back.

Santa, please.

My only wish is for Meg
to be returned safely.

I don't need anything
else this year.

That's not naughty.
That's adorable.

[♪ mellow music playing]

[music swells]

[gasps]

Meg, you're back.

Yeah. I don't know what
happened last night,

but I had a pretty crazy dream.

And I woke up hogtied
under the Christmas tree.

Ugh! I should probably lay
off the nogg next year, huh?

You must have a
lot of questions.

Meh. As long as I get a
bowling alley calzone,

I'm straight.

I don't believe it.

It's a Christmas miracle.

It's also the first
night of Hanukkah.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Are her... Her
legs on backwards?

Yeah. Close enough. Rush
job. Busy night for Santa.

Move! Move! Move!

Yay! A stick.

I think that's for Brian.

Oh.

Lois, I got you
something special.

I know you've been missing this.

[gasps] My Christmas brooch.

Where did you find this?

I could lie, but I'm
gonna tell you the truth.

- Under the couch pillow.
- Peter.

I gave it away at a
white elephant at work

and my boss gave it
to his elderly mother,

and I snuck into a
nursing home with the guys

to steal it back.

So your Christmas
gift to your wife

is something that
she already owned.

I also got you a
mouse pad that says

"World's Greatest Mom."

Peter, I have a laptop.

That's fine, because I
didn't really get it.

Oh, Peter.

The important thing is,

we've run out of time
for me to be annoyed.

Morning-breath kiss
in front of the kids?

[♪ Christmas music playing]

Merry Christmas.

And no one use the
credit card until June.

You know, Peter, it seems like

everyone got what they
wanted for Christmas

except for Mrs. Lloyd.

[monitor beeping]

Merry Christmas,
Peter's boss's mom.

Well, I gotta say,
it feels pretty good

doing something nice for a
sweet old woman on Christmas.

It's like that thing
about when a bell rings

and an angel gets its wings.

What? What's that?

From It's a Wonderful Life.

Oh, yeah, no, I've
never seen that.

You've never seen
It's a Wonderful Life?

It starts with a big, loud bell,

and I got scared
and turned it off.

Peter, it's a classic.

It's about a mortgage lender...

Always a sympathetic character.

Who's an angry drunk

and winds up threatening
to commit suicide

after he DUIs into a tree.

Actually, that sounds hilarious.

Let's watch it tonight.

Oh, it's a date, Mr. Griffin.

[♪ Christmas music playing]