Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair.

I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins,

and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers.

That makes me angry,

and when Dr Evil gets angry, Mr Bigglesworth gets upset.

And when Mr Bigglesworth gets upset…

people die!

Why must I be surrounded by fricking idiots?

Mustafa, Frau Farbissina,

I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world

of Britain's top secret agent, the only man who can stop me now.

We must kill Austin Powers!

Yeah!

Come on, babies. Work with me, people. All right.

Show me love.

Great, baby! Yeah!

Oh, behave.

It's Austin Powers!

Yeah!

It's Austin Powers! Argh!

- Hello, Mrs Kensington. - Hello, Austin.

Why don't you ever model for me, Mrs Kensington?

You know how Mr Kensington feels about that.

Oh, behave.

Yeah. Yeah, baby! Yeah!

Hello, Austin, I'm Basil Exposition with British Intelligence.

We have just received word that Dr Evil is planning a trap for you

tonight at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club,

- here in swinging London. - We'll be there.

Yeah! Hello, baby! Whoo!

There you go. Go on, baby, yeah!

♪ Dead kings Many things I can't define… ♪

Austin, it's a swinging shindig.

It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!

Yeah, man!

♪ But nothing to lose ♪

♪ Incense and peppermints Meaningless nouns ♪

♪ Turn on, tune in Turn your eyes around ♪

♪ Look at yourself, look at yourself ♪

♪ Yeah, girl… ♪

- Can I get you a drink. Mr Powers? - Sure!

Austin, we've got to look for Dr Evil.

Wait. I've got an idea.

Austin! Why on earth did you hit that woman?

Right, let me show you, baby.

That ain't no woman. It's a man, man.

He's one of Dr Evil's assassins.

Look out, he's got a knife!

Good work, Mrs Kensington. All right. Get up! Get up!

Right, where's Dr Evil? Where is he?!

There's the bastard!

Let's go. Excuse me, coming through!

I've got you now, Dr Evil.

Not this time.

Come, Mr Bigglesworth!

See you in the future, Mr Powers.

My God! He's freezing himself.

Oh, my God!

And so, Dr Evil escaped

and had himself cryogenically frozen,

to return at a time when free love no longer reigned,

and greed and corruption ruled again.

Yes?

- Commander Gilmour? - Speaking.

Commander, this is Ritter in Sou-west Com Three.

We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angle.

What are you saying, son?

Well, it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy.

Good God, he's back.

Well, in many ways, the Big Boy never left, sir.

He's always offered the same high-quality meals at competitive prices.

Shut up!

Shall I scramble Tac HQ for an intercept?

What's its current position?

I'm presently tracking it over Nevada.

Oh, my God! The Big Boy's gone.

Listen, son… I want you to forget what you saw here today.

Phillips…

- call the President. - Sir.

Prepare the jet, bring my overnight bag…

and, uh, Phillips, feed my fish.

Not too much.

I'm off to London, England.

Powers volunteered to have himself frozen

in case Dr Evil should ever return.

Well, I hope your boy's up to it.

We don't want to have to bail you guys out again like after WWII.

This is our celebrity vault.

Please.

So, who is this Austin Powers?

The ultimate gentleman spy. Irresistible to women,

deadly to his enemies, a legend in his own time.

Attention. Stage one — laser cutting begins.

Laser cutting complete.

Stage two — warm liquid goo phase beginning.

Warm liquid goo phase complete.

Stage three — reanimation beginning.

Reanimation complete.

Stage four — cleansing beginning.

Cleansing complete.

Stage five — evacuation beginning.

Evacuation comp…

Evacuation comp…

… comp…

… comp…

evacuation comp…

I want Smarties. I want a Mars Bar.

Where… where am I?

You're in the Ministry of Defence. It's 1997.

You've been cryogenically frozen for 30 years.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

The shouting is a temporary side-effect

of the unfreezing process.

Yes, I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

This is Commander Gilmour, US Strategic Command,

and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence.

Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?

A lot's happened since you were frozen.

The Cold War's over.

Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh?

- Hey, comrades? Eh? - Austin… we won.

- Oh, groovy. Smashing. - Yay, capitalism

Hello. Hello.

Mr Powers, the President's quite concerned.

We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.

Dr Evil? When do I begin?

Immediately. You'll be working with Miss Kensington.

Mrs Kensington!

Austin, Mrs Kensington has long since retired.

Miss Kensington is her daughter.

Ah, here she is.

Vanessa is one of our top agents.

My God, Vanessa's got a fabulous body…

and I bet she shags like a minx.

How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process

I have no inner monologue?

I… hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

Mr Powers, my job is to acclimatise you to the '90s.

- You know, a lot's changed since 1967. - No doubt, love,

but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex

with many anonymous partners without protection,

while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs

in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound.

Well, erm, Agent Kensington will get you all set up.

She's extremely dedicated. So, Austin, good luck.

- The world's depending on you. - Thanks, Exposition.

- Oh, and, Austin? - Yes.

Be careful.

Thanks.

Danger Powers' personal effects.

Actually, my name is Austin Powers.

It says here, "Name — Danger Powers."

No, no, no, no…

Danger's my middle name.

OK, Austin Danger Powers.

One blue crushed velvet suit.

- Hey, all right. - One frilly lace cravat.

There it is.

One silver medallion with "male" symbol.

- One pair of Italian boots. - Buon giorno, boys.

One vinyl record album.

- "Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits". - Yeah.

One Swedish-made… penis enlarger pump.

That's not mine.

One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger…

signed by Austin Powers.

I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.

One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump…

filled out by Austin Powers.

I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

One book, "Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps And Me:

by Austin Powers.

Ah…

- Just sign the form. - OK, don't get heavy, man.

I'll sign it, just to get things moving, you know?

You all right, baby?

Listen, Mr Powers, I look forward to working with you,

but do me a favour and stop calling me "baby".

You can address me as "Agent Kensington".

Oh, come on.

- All right, then… Vanessa. - Was that so hard?

Hm. Now, come along. We have to leave immediately.

We preserved your private jet just as you left it.

- It's waiting at Heathrow Airport. - My jumbo jet! Smashing, baby!

Ooh, sorry.

Mr Powers?

Quickly. Quickly. Come on, now. Let's go.

Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair.

It's been 30 years, but I'm back.

Everything's gone perfectly to plan, except for one small flaw.

Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa,

complications arose in the unfreezing process.

But my design was perfect.

Look what you did to Mr Bigglesworth!

But, Dr Evil, we were unable to anticipate

feline complications to the reanimation process.

- Silence! - Argh!

Let this be a reminder to you all

that this organisation will not tolerate failure.

Gentlemen, let's get down to business.

Argh! Ugh! Argh!

- We've got a lot of work to do. - Somebody help me!

I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

Some of you I know,

some of you I'm meeting for the first time…

Argh! Hello up there! Anyone?

Could someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.

OK, you've all been gathered here to form…

- UGH! - Excuse me.

Yes, he's down there.

No, not dead. Burned. Badly.

Yes.

Right.

If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here,

I could get out. See, I designed this device myself…

Oh! Good. I'm glad you found me.

Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just…

You shot me!

OK, moving on…

You shot me right in the arm! Right in the…

Right, let me go around the table and introduce everyone.

Frau Farbissina,

founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.

Random Task, Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman extraordinaire.

Random Task… show them what you do.

Patty O'Brien… ex-Irish assassin.

His trademark, a superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake

from his good luck bracelet on every victim he kills.

Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

Yeah. They're always after me lucky charms.

What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that?

They are after me lucky charms!

What?

It's a television commercial with this cartoon leprechaun,

and all of these children are trying to chase him,

"Hey, leprechaun man, won't you give your Lucky Charms?"

Oh! And there's all these little, tiny bits of marshmallows

just stuck right in the cereal, so that when the kids eat them

they think, "Oh, this is candy, I'm having fun!"

Finally, we come to my number-two man. His name…

Number Two. For 30 years, Number Two has run Virtucon…

the legitimate face of my evil empire.

Dr Evil, over the last 30 years

Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds.

About 15 years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals

to the communications industry.

We own cable companies in 38 states.

We own a steel mill in Cleveland, shipping in Texas,

oil refineries in Seattle and a factory in Chicago

that makes miniature models of factories.

Naturally.

Gentlemen…

I have a plan…

… it's called blackmail.

As you know, the royal family of Britain

are the wealthiest landowners in the world.

Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money,

or we make it seem that

Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage,

and therefore, would have to divorce.

Prince Charles did have an affair.

He admitted it and they are now divorced.

Right, OK, people, you have to tell me these things.

I've been frozen for 30 years, OK?

Throw me a fricking bone here.

I'm the boss. Need the info.

OK, no problem. Here's my second plan.

Back in the '60s, I developed a weather-changing machine,

which, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser".

Using these "lasers", we punch a hole in the protective layer

around the world which we call the "ozone layer".

Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in,

increasing the risk of skin cancer.

That is, unless… the world pays us a hefty ransom.

That also already has happened.

Shit.

Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do.

Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Good.

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention

that a breakaway Russian republic,

Kreplachistan, is about to transfer a nuclear warhead

to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan.

We get the warhead and hold the world ransom for…

$1 million!

Don't you think we should maybe ask for more than $1 million?

$1 million isn't exactly a lot of money these days.

Virtucon alone makes over $9 billion a year.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

That's a lot more. OK, then, we hold the world ransom for…

$100 billion!

Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh?

When you see this jet a-rocking, don't come a-knocking, baby! Yeah!

I'm going to need you to sign these release forms.

Release forms?

Yes, you're not officially working for the Ministry of Defence,

and these forms indemnify the ministry against any mishaps

that may occur in the line of duty.

Mishaps?

But isn't that what being an international man of mystery's all about?

OK, name? Austin Danger Powers.

Sex? Yes, please!

How does a hot chick like you

end up working at the Ministry of Defence?

Oh. Well, I went to Oxford, where I excelled in several subjects,

but I ended up specialising in foreign languages.

I really wanted to travel. You know, sort of, see the world?

That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go in the back and shag?

- What? - I've been frozen for 30 years,

I've gotta see if my bits and pieces are still working.

- Excuse me? - My wedding tackle.

- I'm sorry, I… - My meat and two veg. My twig and berries.

- Hello, lads, you still awake? - Oh, Mr Powers, please!

I'd appreciate it if you could concentrate on our mission

and give your libido a rest.

Can I, er…

Can I show you something?

♪ If you're feeling sad and lonely ♪

♪ There's a service I can render ♪

♪ Tell the one who loves you only ♪

♪ I can be so warm… ♪

I won't bite… hard.

All right.

Let me ask you a question, and be honest.

- Ooh! - Do I make you horny?

Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do I?

God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.

Oh, turbulence! Oh, look at that!

- Oh, turbulence! - Ugh!

- Oh, I've gone over! - Get off me!

- Oh, I fell over again! - Ow! Mr Powers!

I will never have sex with you, ever!

If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth,

and the future of the human race depended on our having sex

simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.

What's your point, Vanessa?

♪ Don't be afraid, you can call me ♪

♪ Maybe it's late But just call me… ♪

Ugh. Hm.

Yeah!

Remember when we froze your semen?

You said if it didn't look like you were coming back,

we should try to make you a son so that a part of you could live forever.

Oh, sure.

Well, after a couple of years, we got a little impatient.

Dr Evil, I want you to meet your son.

- My son? - Yeah.

- Scott! - Ugh!

- Hello, Scott. - Hi.

I'm your father. Dr Evil.

I haven't seen you my whole life,

and now you come back and just expect a relationship?

I hate you!

What?

Could I have a hug?

No.

- Give me a hug. - No way.

- Come here. - I'm not coming over there.

- Let's go. - Forget it.

- Pronto. - What are you doing?

I'm with it. I'm hip.

Ha-ah-ah!

Well, don't look at me like I'm fricking Frankenstein.

- Give your father a hug. - You're… Hey, don't touch me!

Hug. Hug.

Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!

Viva Las Vegas, baby! Yeah!

Wow-wee! Yeah! Ooh!

Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.

So, which side of the bed do you want?

You're sleeping on the sofa, Mr Powers.

In fact, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you

that the only reason we're sharing a room is to keep up the context

that we're a married couple on vacation.

Right. Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?

How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first?

You know, top and tails? Whore's bath?

Personally, before I'm on the job,

I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father.

I'm just joking, Vanessa. I'm just trying to get a rise out of you,

that's all, for shits and giggles.

Let's unpack.

Cor blimey! Nerd alert!

How did this get in here?

Somebody's playing a prank on me. Honestly, it's not mine.

Hey, Americans! Yeah! Enjoy that wine.

- Hey, there you are! - Well, hi! Do I know you?

No, but that's where you are. You're there.

Hey, Viva Las Vegas, baby!

- OK, Austin? - Yes.

Austin, there's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon which we think

may be linked to Dr Evil.

Plenty of Virtucon executives are gambling in this casino.

- Smashing. Let's go. - Look, there's one over there.

Changing a thousand.

Hello. Excuse me.

Do you mind if I join you?

Not at all.

The game is blackjack, gentlemen. $10,000 minimum bet.

King for you, sir, and a three for you.

17.

Hit me.

You have 17, sir.

I like to live dangerously.

Four. 21.

Nice! Well played.

Five.

I'll stay.

I suggest you hit, sir.

I also like to live dangerously.

As you wish, sir.

20 beats your five.

I'm sorry, sir.

Well, I won't lie to you… cards are not my bag, baby.

Allow myself to introduce…

myself.

My name is Richie Cunningham and this is my wife, Oprah.

My name is Number Two.

This is my Italian confidential secretary.

Her name is Alotta…

Alotta Fagina.

- Come again? - Alotta Fagina.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it.

It sounded like you said your name was "A Lot Of", er… never mind.

What exactly do you do, Mr Number Two?

- That's my business. - Oh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room.

You keep your eye on the Italian bird.

We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite.

You didn't happen to see… anything, at all?

Sorry.

Howdy.

Whoo! That is one crazy getup you got there, fella.

- Oh, thank you. - Are you in the show?

No, actually, I'm English.

I'm sorry.

Right.

Hey, partner… have a good one.

OK.

Hey, partner, come on, you gotta relax. Don't force it.

Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lung.

Argh!

Who does Number Two work for?

Who does Number Two work for?

That's right, buddy. You show that turd who's boss.

Hey, just grab a hold of something, bite your lip and give it hell.

Come on. We're gonna get through this.

Hey, that sounds pretty nasty.

How about a courtesy flush over there?

Jesus Christ, boy! What did you eat?

Gentlemen, the warhead is ours.

Patch me through to

the United Nations Security Secret Meeting Room.

Gentlemen, my name is Dr Evil.

In a little while, you'll notice that

the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing.

If you want it back, you're going to have to pay me…

$1 million!

Sorry…

$100 billion!

Gentlemen, silence.

Now, Mr Evil…

Dr Evil. I didn't spend six years in evil medical school

to be called "Mr", thank you very much.

It is the policy of the United Nations

not to negotiate with terrorists.

Really?

So long.

Gentlemen, in exactly five days, we will be $100 billion richer.

Hello, Mummy?

Oh, hello, Vanessa. And how's Austin?

He's asleep.

You didn't?!

Oh, God, no! No! I made him sleep on the sofa.

Vanessa, I'm proud of you.

Why?

Because you've managed to resist Austin Powers' charms.

God knows he tried, Mummy!

I actually had to be rather firm with him.

You didn't tell me he's so obsessed with sex. It's really bizarre.

You can't judge him by modern standards.

What about his teeth?

Darling, you have to understand, in Britain in the '60s,

you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth.

It didn't matter.

I don't get that, Mummy.

Once Austin has you in his charms, it's impossible to get out.

- Did you ever? - Me? No, of course not!

I was married to your father.

You didn't ever want to, did you?

Austin is very charming, very debonair.

He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines…

sophisticated, a world-renowned photographer.

Women want him, and men want to be him.

Every bit an international man of mystery.

You didn't answer my question, Mummy.

I know.

Let me just say this…

Austin was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had.

I will always love him.

Do you want to speak to him?

No. It's been too long.

OK, look, I'm going to have to go, Mummy, but I love you.

Ciao, darling.

A limo's just pulled up.

Let me see.

- That's Dr Evil's cat. - How can you tell?

I never forget a pussy…

… cat.

Oh, no. He's got away!

My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly beautiful.

- Ugh! - That's it. Yes.

Yes, yes. Come on, darling.

I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Burt Bacharach.

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ No, not just for some ♪

♪ But everyone ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ Not just for some ♪

♪ But for everyone… ♪

Oh, go on, Austin, get on with it!

I'm going to do it. Do you want me to do it?

- Oh, go on! - Do you want me to do it?

- Yes! - OK.

- Ooh! Ow! - Right hand green!

Oh, no!

You all right?

You all right? Oh, you know what?

Wait a tick. I forgot something in the lobby.

Why don't I take the stairs?

Why take the stairs, when I could take the escalator?

Why take the escalator when I've got a perfectly good canoe?

I know what, I'll take the elevator.

- Austin! - Yes?

- Come and have some champagne with me. - OK.

Oh, I tripped. Oh…

You know, I haven't had this much fun since college.

- Well, I'm sorry. - Why?

I'm sorry that bug up your arse had to die.

Always wanting to have fun, Austin, that's you in a nutshell.

No, this is me in a nutshell. Help! I'm in a nutshell!

How did I get into this nutshell?

Look at the size of this bloody great big nutshell!

What sort of shell has a nut like this?

This is crazy.

Yes, look at you.

You're smashed.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

No, I'm not, I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver.

Oh, kiss me.

- I can't, darling. - Why not?

Cos you're drunk. It's not right.

No, I'm not drunk, I'm just beginning to see

what my mummy was talking about all those years ago.

I can't.

Well, tell me all about my mummy in the '60s.

I'm dying to know what she was like.

She was very groovy.

Your dad loved her very much.

If there was one other cat in this world that could have loved her

and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me.

But, unfortunately, for yours truly…

… that train has sailed.

Vanessa? Vanessa? Hello?

Come on, roll over.

Sleepy time.

Mm!

OK, Austin needs his hand back.

- You've got mail. - Hello, Austin.

This is Basil Exposition from British Intelligence.

Now, I want you to find out what part Virtucon plays

in something called Project Vulcan.

I need you to go to Alotta Fagina's penthouse immediately.

Ah.

Hello, hello.

Smashing. Lovely.

Yes, yes. OK. Great.

Project Vulcan? Yeah, OK, cheeky, huh? Yeah.

Come on, baby, give it to me. Yes, yes. No, no!

You seem surprised to see me, Miss Fagina.

What do you want, Mr Cunningham, was it?

Please, call me Richie.

Miss Fagina, your boss, Number Two…

I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills.

How did you know?

I didn't, baby. You just told me.

It's for the mining industry, Mr Cunningham.

You know, er, we can talk about business later.

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

Oh, behave.

Oh…

Good God.

♪ Your smile can't disguise… ♪

♪ The look of love… ♪

♪ It's saying so much more than Just words could ever say ♪

♪ And what my heart has heard ♪

♪ Well, it takes my breath away ♪

♪ I can hardly wait to hold you Feel my arms around you… ♪

Come in… and I'll show you everything you need to know.

♪ And what my heart has heard ♪

♪ Well, it takes my breath away ♪

♪ I can hardly wait to hold you Feel my arms around you… ♪

Come on. Yeah!

May I wash you?

Oh, groovy, baby. Yeah.

Mmm, yes! Yeah, that feels yummy.

Mm!

In Japan, men come first and women come second.

Or sometimes, not at all.

Care for some sake?

Suck-ee it to me, baby.

Mm. Yes.

Clinky. Clinky.

Ha. Ooh.

How do you feel, Mr Cunningham?

Mm. I feel extreme relaxation.

Ooh!

How dare you break wind before me?

I'm sorry, baby, I didn't know it was your turn.

Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food.

It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.

That's beautiful. Thank you.

What exactly do you do at Virtucon?

I'll tell you all in due time.

But first, let's make love, you silly, hairy, little man.

I say, hello, Vicar.

Ooh! That's the spot, all right. That's the spot right there.

Look at that, now. Good God.

Austin Powers is getting too close.

Any suggestions?

Jawohl, Herr Doktor.

I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers.

Bring in the fembots!

Go, fembots!

These are the latest word in android replicant technology.

Lethal, efficient, brutal.

No man can resist their charm.

Send in the guards!

♪ These boots are made for walking And that's just what they'll do… ♪

Kill these women.

♪ One of these days these boots Are gonna walk all over you ♪

♪ Are you ready, boots? ♪

♪ Start walking… ♪

- Quite impressive. - Thank you, Herr Doktor.

I like to see girls of that… calibre.

By "calibre", of course, I mean both the size of their gun barrels

and the high quality of their character.

It's two meanings. Calibre… it's a homonym.

Forget it.

At ease, boys.

Austin, I want to show you something.

We're going to outfit you with this. It looks like a watch but, in fact,

it's a geosynchronous positioning device.

- Very shag-a-delic. - And then there's this.

OK, let me guess. The floss is garrotte wire,

the toothpaste is plastic explosives,

and the toothbrush is the detonation device.

No, actually. Since you've been frozen,

there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.

- What do you mean? - Nothing.

Oh, look, here's Basil.

- Hello, Exposition. - Austin, let me bring you up to speed.

Dr Evil has hijacked

a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan.

Only two things scare me, and one is nuclear war.

- What's the other? - Excuse me?

What's the other thing that scares you?

- Carnies. - What?

Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

Oh, indeed. Ha

Perhaps these photographs are the last piece of the puzzle.

Ah-ha!

I've uncovered the details of Project Vulcan.

Oh, good God. An underground missile?

Austin, where did you find these?

Austin did some reconnaissance work last night

- at Alotta Fagina's penthouse. - Oh.

Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon.

- Any ideas? - Hmm.

Oh, yes. Virtucon runs a tour of its facility every hour.

I thought perhaps we could disguise ourselves as tourists

and do some on-site reconnaissance.

Top drawer, Kensington.

Ooh, er, Austin, I'd like you to meet somebody.

This is my mother, Mrs Exposition.

How do you do?

Austin!

My God, man, what have you done?

That's not your mother. It's a man, baby!

Come on! Why won't this wig come off?

- Help! - Austin!

Yeah, hold on one second.

No, let go of my mother!

Oh! Oh, Mother! Mother, are you all right?

- Oh, dear! - What?!

- Austin, have you gone mad? - No.

You have a lot of explaining to do!

I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was a man.

Damn it, man, you're talking about my mother!

Well, you have to admit, she is rather mannish.

- Austin! - Well, no offence, but if that is a woman,

it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick.

- What?! - Really, Austin…

Give in to the beauty of your feelings and say the words.

Come on.

I love you, Dad.

I love you, too, son!

That's a breakthrough.

OK, group, we have some newcomers here today with us.

Say hello to Scott and his father, Mr… Avil?

Evil, actually…

Dr Evil.

- Hello, Dr Evil. Hello, Scott. - Hello, everybody.

So, Scott, why don't we start with you?

What brings you here with us today?

Well, I just really met my dad for the first time five days ago.

I was partially frozen his whole life.

That is beautiful that you can admit to that.

He comes back, and now he wants me to take over the family business.

But, Scott, who's going to take over the world when I die?

Listen to the words he used,

"Who's going to take over the world when I die?"

It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it?

So, what do you want to do, Scott?

I don't know. I was thinking, I like animals,

- maybe I'd be a vet. - An evil vet?

No. Maybe, like, work in a petting zoo.

- An evil petting zoo? - You always do that!

What? I…

I just think, like, he hates me.

I really think he wants to kill me.

Now, Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here.

We might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't.

Actually, the boy's quite astute.

I really am trying to kill him, but, so far, unsuccessfully.

He's quite wily, like his old man.

This is what I'm talking about.

OK. We've heard from you, Scott,

now, er, you tell us a little about yourself.

The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

Oh, no. Please, please, let's hear about your childhood.

- Yeah, come on! - OK.

Very well. Where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving

boulangerie owner from Belgium,

with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.

My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe

with webbed feet. My father would womanise, he would drink,

he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.

Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy…

the sort of general malaise

that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical…

summers in Rangoon, luge lessons.

In the spring, we'd make meat helmets.

When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag

and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.

At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14,

a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles.

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum.

It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

You know, we have to stop.

Austin, can I have a word with you?

Of course you may, love.

I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off

this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary.

You know, Miss Fagina? I don't want to sound paranoid,

but I've had some bad relationships in the past and…

I have been known to be jealous.

- I'm sorry. - No, don't be sorry, baby.

You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.

- What? - I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!

I don't believe you, Austin! I mean, she was repellent.

Saucer of milk, table two.

Well, did you use protection?

Of course, I had my 9mm automatic.

You know I meant, "Did you use a condom?"

No! Only sailors use condoms, baby.

Not in the '90s, Austin!

Well, they should, those filthy beggars.

They go from port to port.

Vanessa, don't have a "thrombo".

Alotta meant nothing to me.

Well, it means something to me.

Austin, if you want us to have a relationship,

you have to get it into your head that times have changed.

You can't just go off shagging anybody any more.

And if you could, I wouldn't, because I'm not like that.

Vanessa…

- … you're everything to me. - You just don't get it, do you?

Goodnight, Austin. Welcome to the '90s.

You're going to be very lonely.

Hey. Hey, check this guy out.

Peace. Peace!

Jimi Hendrix… deceased.

Drugs.

Janis Joplin…

deceased, alcohol.

Mama Cass… deceased, ham sandwich.

That's great. Is the lighting halfway decent?

Yes, indeed. They've got the flag up now.

- You can see the stars and stripes. - Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Morning, Austin.

You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 30 years.

Fall of the Berlin Wall, the first female British Prime Minister,

end of apartheid.

Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay.

I mean, women loved him. I didn't see that one coming, no.

The tour is about to begin, so if you'll please take your seats.

Welcome to Virtucon, company of the future.

Virtucon is a leading manufacturer

of many items you can find right in your very own home.

Do you think she's prettier than me?

- Who? - You know who.

Oh, the Italian bird? No, baby, she's rancid.

I think you're shag-a-delic, baby. You're switched on. You're smashing.

We make steel, petroleum products and volatile chemicals.

But don't worry about the Italian bird, OK?

She's the village bicycle. Everyone's had a ride.

On your right, you'll notice a door leading to a restricted area.

Only authorised personnel are allowed beyond that point.

I'll take him. You take her.

Let's go.

Look, there's a guard.

What are we going to do? We don't look anything like our photo badges.

Don't worry, baby.

I learned a mind control technique during my travels to India.

I learned it from my guru, the late Guru Chastry.

A chaste man who died mysteriously

of a disease that had all the hallmarks of syphilis.

All right, watch me.

Hi, folks. You're entering a restricted zone,

I'm going to have to see some identification, please.

Sure.

There seems to be some sort of problem.

Everything seems to be in order.

Everything seems to be in order.

That's fantastic. Come on, let's go.

I'm going to go across the street and get you some orange sherbet.

I'm going to go across the street and get you some orange sherbet.

Austin, let's go.

Here, have a piece of gum.

Here, have a piece of gum.

- Don't mind if I do. - Austin, let's go now.

It's Bolton. We've got a problem.

Intruders in the complex. Intruders in the complex.

Watch out.

Judo chop!

They're coming!

Hang on. I'm going to floor it. Watch out. Move! Move! Move!

Careful, Austin.

- Watch out! - Look out!

NO!

- Watch out! - NO!

Hello? Yes, this is Mrs Harwin.

Yes, my husband is a henchman in Dr Evil's private army.

What? Oh, my God! Thanks for calling.

Hi, Mom.

Sit down, Billy. I've got some bad news.

Your stepfather was run over by a steamroller.

But, Mom, since Dad left, Steve's been like a father to me!

People never think how things affect the family of a henchman.

- Oh, thank goodness we made it! - All right, stay very cool, baby.

OK.

- Ow! - Mr Powers,

welcome to my underground lair.

You're just in time. Enjoy the show.

Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan,

the world's most powerful subterranean drill.

- Does that make you horny? - Not now, Austin.

So powerful, it can penetrate the Earth's crust,

delivering a 50-kiloton nuclear warhead

deep into the liquid-hot core of the planet.

Upon detonation, every volcano on earth will erupt.

It seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom.

You have my instructions. Bye-bye.

Check it out, Butt-Head. This chick has three boobs.

How many butts does she have?

Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr Powers?

I designed them myself.

Scott! Scott, my boy, how are you? How was your day?

Well, my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town.

They don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight

and he's all, "Quit hassling me cos I don't speak French, or whatever,"

and then the guy says something in Paris talk and I'm like,

"Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!"

And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.

Fascinating. What are your plans for this evening?

I thought I'd stay in. There's a good titty movie on Skinnamax.

And that's how you'd like to live your life, is it?

Yeah.

- Pretty much, right? - What?

Yeah, OK.

Ow!

Scott, I want you to meet Daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers.

What, are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

No, Scott. I have an even better idea.

I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation

involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

Why don't you just shoot him now?

I mean, I'll go get a gun, we'll shoot him together. It'll be fun. Bang! Dead. Done.

One more peep out of you, and you're grounded, mister. I am not joking.

All right. Let's begin.

Dr Evil, do you really expect them to pay?

No, Mr Powers…

I expect them to die.

Even after they pay me the money,

I'm still going to melt every city on the planet with liquid-hot magma.

Release the sharks! Mr Powers, you'll notice that all of the sharks

have laser beams attached to their heads.

I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.

Dr Evil, it's about the sharks.

When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list.

We tried to get some,

but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape.

You know, I have one simple request.

And that is to have sharks with fricking laser beams

attached to their heads! Now, evidently,

my cyclop-tic colleague informs me that that can't be done.

Can you remind me what I pay you people for?

Honestly, throw me a bone here.

What do we have?

Sea bass.

Right…

They are mutated sea bass.

Really? Are they ill-tempered?

- Absolutely. - That's a start. Mm. All right, guard,

begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.

Close the tank!

Wait, aren't you even going to watch them?

- They could get away. - No, no, no.

I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying.

I'm just going to assume it all went to plan. What?

I have a gun in my room.

You give me five seconds, I'll get it.

I'll come back down here. Boom! I'll blow their brains out.

Scott… you just don't get it, do you?

You don't.

- It's no hassle. - Shh!

- But… I'm… - Shh! Shh!

- All I'm saying… - Shh!

- They're gonna get awa… - Shh!

- I… I'm just… We… - Shh! Shh! Shh!

- We… - Shh! Knock, knock.

- Who's there? - Shh!

- Look… - Shh!

Let me tell you a story about a man named "Shh".

Shh! Even before you start, that was a pre-emptive "shh".

Just know I have a whole bag of "shh" with your name on it.

- What's your plan? - First, I plan to soil myself,

then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan.

Any thoughts?

Wait a minute!

I always have this with me, just in case.

OK, I get it, I have bad teeth.

No, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge.

Oh! All right. Hold on.

Got it. OK, toothpaste.

Hello.

Judo chop!

Hang on!

Hoo-arh! Arhh-arhh!

Judo trip. Hur!

Argh! Ooh! Oh!

Not a good time to lose one's head.

Oh, indeed.

- That's not the way to get ahead in life. - No.

It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.

He'll never be the head of a major corporation.

- OK, that'll do. - OK.

I mean, guys, guys, come on.

Can you believe John Smith is getting married tomorrow?

I can't. Where is Smitty, anyway?

It's… it's not like him to be late for anything.

Especially his own stag party.

Well, you know he works as a henchman for Dr Evil?

Sometimes they work late.

You know, can I just say something that may sound a little sappy?

I think it is such a tribute to our buddy John Smith

that so many of his friends showed up to honour him today.

- There's a lot of love in this room. - Hear, hear!

- Hi. - Mm!

I have a phone call for the John Smith party.

Oh. Yeah, I'll get it.

He's dead?!

Decapitated by an ill-tempered, mutated sea bass?

Yes. OK.

What's wrong? What happened? Was that John? Is he coming late?

- John Smith won't be coming. - Why not?

He was decapitated by an ill-tempered, mutated sea bass.

Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?

To Smitty!

To Smitty!

No! What are we going to do?

Oh, look, there's an emergency exit! Go get help,

I'm going to stay here and keep an eye on Dr Evil.

OK, I'll hurry back.

Listen, Vanessa…

Whatever happens…

I want you to know that I feel really bad about that Italian bird.

- Oh… - What I'm trying to say is…

that if you want me to be a one-woman man,

well, that's just groovy, baby.

Behave.

Come, everyone,

let us repair to the main chamber.

Project Vulcan is about to begin.

Scott, don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?

- Blow me. - Excuse me?

Show me.

OK.

Position the Vulcan.

Bring in the warhead.

Ooh!

Hello, hello.

Hello, Mr Powers.

Care to have a little fun?

No, actually, I, er, I have to save the world.

Oh.

Is it cold in here?

Arm the probe.

- No. - Yeah!

- No. - Yeah!

No! No! I've got to get Dr Evil.

- I've got to get Dr Evil. - Ooh!

No, er, baseball, cold showers. Baseball, cold showers.

Give it up, Mr Powers.

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

Gentlemen…

let's lock and load.

Right, lads. All right!

- Don't go. Please, don't go! - Stay with us.

Stay! Please, don't go!

You can't resist us, Mr Powers. You can't resist us, Mr Powers.

Au contraire, baby, I think you can't resist me.

♪ You're the one Who makes me come running ♪

♪ You're the sun who makes me shine ♪

♪ When you're around I'm always laughing ♪

♪ I want to make you mine ♪

♪ I close my eyes And see you before me ♪

♪ Think I would die If you were to ignore me ♪

♪ A fool could see Just how much I adore you ♪

♪ I'd get down on my knees I'd do anything for you… ♪

Ooh!

Ah.

Ooh!

♪ And when I think about you I touch myself… ♪

♪ When I think about you I touch myself ♪

♪ I don't want anybody else ♪

♪ When I think about you I touch myself… ♪

Austin?

Vanessa! Er, it's not what it seems.

- At ease, boys. - Likewise.

Vanessa, I can explain. See, what happened was,

I broke in trying to get to Dr Evil, and then all of a sudden,

the fembots came by and smoke started to come out of the jumblies,

so I thought I'd work my mojo to counter their mojo.

We got cross-mojo-nations and their heads started exploding.

You know, that thing. And I end up in my knickers here,

and then…

OK, Austin, I believe you. Now, get dressed.

Smashing, baby.

Onward, boys.

Launching the subterranean probe.

Begin initial surface penetration.

Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting.

Watch out!

Right flank!

Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting.

Oh, I tripped! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Open the fricking door!

♪ Secret agent man… ♪

Probe destruction beginning in…

Judo! Judo!

… ten, nine, eight, seven…

… five, four, three, two, one.

No!

Abort. Abort.

Abort. Abort. Abort.

Now to Dr Evil.

Din-din.

♪ I want chicken, I want liver ♪

♪ Meow Mix, Meow Mix Please deliver ♪

I've got you now, Dr Evil.

Well done, Mr Powers.

We're not so different, you and I.

However, isn't it ironic that the very things you stand for…

free love, swinging parties,

are all now, in the '90s, considered to be…

… evil?

No, man. What we swingers were rebelling against

is uptight squares like you

whose bag was money and world domination.

We were innocent, man.

If we'd known the consequences of our sexual liberation,

we would have done things differently, but the spirit

would've remained the same. It's freedom, baby. Yeah!

Face it… freedom failed.

No, man, freedom didn't fail.

Right now, we've got freedom and responsibility.

It's a very groovy time. Ha.

There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

All right, baldy, shut your cakehole.

Come on, let's go. On your bike.

Not so fast!

It seems the tables have turned, Mr Powers.

Go ahead, Austin, don't worry about me!

Hey, I can take my Sega, right, Dad?

It seems the tables have turned again, Dr Evil.

Not really. Kill the little bastard. See what I care.

But, Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.

I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent.

I hate you! I hate you!

I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!

Oh, Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly.

Ah, Number Two, your timing is impeccable.

Go ahead. Take Mr Powers away.

No.

What?

Dr Evil, I spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire

into a world-class multinational.

I was going to have a cover story in Forbes.

But, you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world,

and you don't realise there is no world any more.

It's only corporations.

Silence, Number Two!

No! I've had enough of you pushing me around.

Mr Powers,

I have a business proposition you might find very interesting.

All right, I've had enough.

WHOA!

Judo chop!

The complex will self-destruct.

Right, let's split! Let's go!

This place is going to blow!

I've brought you your orange sherbet.

Thank you.

The complex will self-destruct.

Come on, let's go!

The complex will self-destruct.

This way, Austin!

Come on, baby! It's gonna blow! Let's go. Move it!

Hur!

Ooh!

Ooh, yeah. Mmm!

I love you, Mr Powers.

And I love you… Mrs Powers.

Ooh, that'll be Basil Exposition.

Oh, ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed.

Duty calls, baby.

Hello, Austin. Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon.

No, not at all, Basil.

Did you get that fruit basket I sent you?

Yes, we did, Basil, but you sent too much.

I'm gonna have to send some to my mother.

Ooh, don't forget these.

- Ooh, thanks. - There you go.

Did you get my other gift?

We did.

Yes, Basil, nice rack.

But who in the world gave us this drawing?

It's bizarre.

Well, as you know, Dr Evil has escaped in his rocket,

which has disappeared from our tracking system.

- Oh, dear. Hold on. Coffee? - Oh, yes, please.

OK, thank you.

Oh, and, Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent.

- Oh, that's fantastic, Basil! Thanks. - Milk?

Yes, please.

Oh, and, Austin,

Her Majesty the Queen informs me that you are to be knighted.

Very shag-a-delic!

Well, the best of luck to both of you!

I can't believe that you're married, Austin.

Oh, what a lovely pair.

Thanks, Basil. Think I'm gonna like living in the '90s.

- Bye-bye. - Goodbye.

You know, Vanessa, I'll never forget the first time I saw you.

You were so incredibly beautiful…

so incredibly sexy…

I knew I had to have you…

right then and there.

Did you feel the same way?

Well, actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth.

Oh.

Oh, I ordered some champagne. Come in!

- Oh, lovely, Austin. - Right over there's fine. Thank you.

Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night.

- We can look at the stars. - Mmm! Smashing idea, baby, yeah.

Look at you.

Look out!

Ow!

That really hurt!

I'm going to have a lump there, you idiot.

Who throws a shoe? Honestly.

You fight like a woman.

Har! Arr! Arh!

Austin!

Honestly, it's not mine.

No, use it.

Argh!

Smashing.

Look how beautiful the night sky is.

Hey, isn't that the Big Dipper?

Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.

- Austin! - Well, you know…

Hey, I've never seen that big star before!

Yeah, what is that?

Good God!

I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.

It's fricking freezing in here, Mr Bigglesworth.

♪ Austin Powers He's the man for you ♪

♪ Austin Powers! ♪

Darling, you look fabulous. OK, baby. All right. There we go.

Look at that face. Coming in. Come on.

There. Bit of hair. Bit of hair. Smashing.

OK. It's coming around now. Coming around, yes.

Yes, great! Yes. Yes. Yes!

No! No! Cut! No, it's not working!

You go change. There you go.

Can you change her? Can you? Can you?

Is that OK? Is that all right? Very good. Very good.

And right here. Right here. Looking right there.

I'm not even looking.

Oh, you're wicked!

You've got your mojo working overtime, darling. Yeah.

Look, I'm not even shooting it. It's insane.

Smashing. Come on. Can I get a smile?

OK, come on. Come on, you boys, get together. Come on.

OK. Good. Loving it. Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.

The winged horn. The winged horn.

Come on, Austin. Give it to me. Go. Go.

Oh, behave.

OK, you're an animal! An animal! Yes.