Original subtitles

(dramatic, orchestral music)

- Okay Venus?

- Okay Steve.

- Right, let's go.

(dramatic, orchestral music)

(rocket blasts) (whirring)

(rocket blasting)

(cheerful, orchestral music)

(gentle, eerie music)

(monitor hissing)

- The mini space video-graph

is taking a long time to warmup, Minotor,

but then it is a long way to work.

- I'm well aware of that, Minotran,

632 light years, two light month

and one light day to be precise.

- Another oxygen pill quick, | can't breath.

Oxygen pill.

- Oh, | almost forgot,

it's time to give the Earth savage another oxygen pill.

- We don't want him to die

before his fellow savages arrive, do we?

- And don't let it float away this time, Earth savage.

- Now hear this, now hear this--

- There we are, the MSV picture.

- This is Commander Zero, this is Commander Zero,

New Earth space immigration party

prepare to board Mayflower Three.

Takeoff in one, zero minutes.

Good luck everyone.

- Not a bad picture.

- Not bad.

- But you know, | find Space City pathetically primitive.

- But the Earth savages will make useful slaves

for we Lilispatians.

All we have to do is to sit back

and wait for them to fall into our trap.

It won't be long now.

(aliens laughing)

- It won't be long now.

- And we shall be on our way to join Ross

to start a new era in space history.

- The founding of New Earth,

it's the greatest adventure since the pilgrim fathers

way back in ancient history.

According to Ross' reports, it's a great planet.

- | wish you were coming with us, Steve.

-Sodol.

I'm not entirely sure

that | approve of a space expedition led by a woman.

- (chuckles) Don't worry, Professor,

Venus has got you and Robert to rely on.

Besides, don't let that pretty face fool you,

she's got brains.

- | wish Jock thought so.

(cheerful, orchestral music)

(machine beeping)

- That'll be Jock.

His ears must be burning.

- | don't know about my ears burning,

but I'll go up in blue smoke soon

if the hydro-crane operator doesn't pull his socks on.

- How much have you still gotta load, Jock?

- Just one more piece of the AT machine,

should be perfectly simple, but this hydro-crane operator,

oh, he's almost as bad as a woman.

- There, what did | tell you, Professor?

- Yeah, | see what you mean, Venus, but he's real upset,

he treats that AT machine just like a baby.

- Just as well, without it,

we'd never be able to colonise New Earth at all,

there just wouldn't be enough oxygen pills for everyone.

- Such a beautiful planet,

rich in everything except the air we breath.

- And eh, very low gravity too, remember.

- No problem, as soon as the atmo-plant is going,

it won't take long to get

a gravity densification project going.

Meanwhile, might you keep your lead boots on.

- Oh, my feet are killing me already.

- Well, there goes the last component of the AT machine now.

(dramatic, orchestral music)

(crank clicking)

- Easy man, easy.

Keep her steady.

(crank clicking)

Now you keep her like that and you'll be okay.

(crank clicking)

(dramatic, orchestral music)

Suffering space cats, a blithering idiot!

- That's done it, the dynamo's stuck in the hatchway.

- I'd better get down there to lend a hand

before Jock goes into orbit.

(aliens laughing)

- | haven't laughed so much since the Martian circus

came to Lilispatia.

- A woman couldn't have done worse!

Oh Colonel Zodiac, thank goodness.

Did you ever see such a mess?

And we were due to takeoff ages ago.

- Don't worry, Jock, | think I've got the answer.

Here, catch.

I'm going to see if | can't haul it out on my jet mobile.

- Do you think it'll work?

- [Steve] It's worth a try.

(engine whirring)

- Okay Colonel.

- Right.

Here goes.

(engine humming) (sparks popping)

(rope creaking) (engine humming)

- He's not going to make it.

(dramatic, orchestral music) (sparks popping)

- Oh, | nearly came off that time.

- Ah, well done, Colonel.

- A good opportunity to get that robot

to do that little job for us.

- The microwave transmitter controller is tuned in.

- Commence control transmission.

- MTZ AT-ov.

(mysterious, quiet music)

(tinny, mysterious music)

(dramatic, orchestral music)

(tinny, mysterious music)

- Robert,

Professor,

put the kettle on.

(dramatic, orchestral music)

(mysterious, tinny music)

(glass tinkles) Robert,

Robert,

Robert. (glass tinkling)

(tinny, mysterious music)

(dramatic, orchestral music)

- Now watch what you're doing with that valuable object.

Take it carefully.

Look, don't be as careless with my haggis

as you were with the machinery.

- A haggis, Jock, what do you want a haggis on board for?

- You don't think I'd arrive on a new planet

without a haggis, do you?

It's our national Scottish dish.

- How you can eat the stuff, I'll never know.

Well I'd better get back and call up Ross at New Earth.

- No doubt they'll be calling our prisoner

on the space radio soon.

We'd better switch on the auto-imitator.

Are you tuned to Ross' frequency?

- Yes, Minotran, all is ready.

- What are you gonna do?

- We are going to produce your voice electronically

and no one will know the difference.

- Mayflower Three, stand by for takeoff once again.

(dramatic, orchestral music)

Steve's just calling up Ross to make sure

everything's okay his end.

Then it's all yours, Venus.

- Thank you, Commander.

- Space City to Ross on New Earth,

Space City to Ross on New Earth, over.

- [Ross' Voice] Space Lieutenant Ross to Space City.

Space Lieutenant Ross to Space City.

Receiving you strength alpha, over.

- Steve here, Ross.

Mayflower ready for takeoff.

Is everything okay your end?

- [Ross' Voice] Everything's fine, Steve.

It's a wonderful planet, this New Earth.

All prepared for Mayflower's arrival.

Can't wait to see those happy smiling Earth faces.

You tell Jock there's even Heather growing here.

Over.

- Okay Ross, maintain contact.

Out.

Did you hear that, Jock?

- I'll believe that when | see it for myself.

- Clear for takeoff.

(cheerful, orchestral music)

- All systems here are at go.

- Roger, all systems go.

Full power, go go go.

(rocket blasts) (engine whirring)

- Next stop, New Earth.

(rocket whirring)

- Generators two, reactors three.

(rocket rumbles)

Oh dear, | don't feel so good.

Still, what can you expect with a woman driver?

(Jock grunts)

(groaning) Oh, my stomach's not so good.

(Professor humming)

- Eh, well well, |,

we'll see if we're on the right course.

(grunts) Jumping space fish!

What is it?

Hm.

Funny sort of a cushion.

- What are you doing with my haggis?

- What is your haggis doing on my chair?

- My haggis on your chair?

Well | don't know. (grunts)

(dramatic, orchestral music)

Haggis, I-- (sighs)

- Say,

say eh, hey Jock, what's the matter?

(Jock sighs)

Well this is serious, | must get Venus right away.

(dramatic, orchestral music)

(gentle, quiet music)

- Poor old Jock.

- Mm, some rare sort of disease, | suppose.

- No Professor, very common,

a simple case of acute appendicitis.

(Jock groans)

He's in a pretty bad way, Professor,

he should be operated on immediately.

- Yet, there's no time to get him back to Earth.

- | doubt whether he'd make it.

We'll have to perform an emergency operation.

- Just tell me what | can do to help, Venus.

- First of all, | shall need something to kill the pain.

In my laboratory, in the medicine chest,

where the oxygen pills are kept,

you'll see some anaesthesia tablets.

- I'll get them right away.

- Well Jock, I'm afraid you're really

at the mercy of a woman now.

- Well if it had to be a woman, I'm glad it was you, Venus.

| mean, Dr. Venus.

- Now now, you are to behave yourself.

Now Jock, | am going to give you a pill.

- [Jock] To put me out, you mean?

- That's what she thinks.

(aliens laughing)

- They'll try to call Space City in a moment

when they discover that the drug cabinet has been cleared.

- I'll be the transmitter jabber on Space City

so that all contact is cut off.

You'd better prepare the auto-imitator

to copy Steve Zodiac's voice.

(cheerful, orchestral music)

(dramatic, orchestral music)

- Empty!

Everything's gone!

This is crazy.

- Robert.

Robert.

Professor, put the kettle on.

Robert.

- Now, (stuttering) not now, Lazoon,

no time for fun and games now.

(slow, suspenseful music)

- Everything go okay?

- Preliminary tests seem to be okay.

Any news from Venus?

- We're just about to give them a routine call.

Stick around and you can have a word with her.

- Space City to Mayflower Three,

Space City to Mayflower Three, over.

(rocket rumbling)

- What do you mean there aren't any?

- | tell you, Venus, the drug cabinet is completely empty.

- But the oxygen pills.

- Gone too, every one of them.

- Sabotage?

- What else?

- Get back to the main control cabin, Professor,

and call up Steve as quickly as you can.

He'll know what to do.

| must stay with Jock.

- [Professor] Right away, Venus.

(Jock groans)

- The pain is terrible, Doctor.

- Space City to Mayflower Three, come in please, over.

(radio humming) (whistling)

- Are you Sure you're on the correct frequency?

- Sure Steve, it was all preset before takeoff.

- Then somebody is jamming.

- But who or why?

- That, with your permission, Commander,

is exactly what I'm going to find out.

- Mayflower Three to Space City,

Mayflower Three to Space city.

- [Steve's Voice] Space City to Mayflower Three.

Space City to Mayflower Three, Steve here, over.

- Oh, it's uh, it's a relief to hear your voice, Steve.

I've been trying to get through for a long time.

Eh, | think we'll have to return to base.

Jock has to have an emergency operation

and someone's stolen our drugs.

- [Steve's Voice] Don't be a tooty, Professor,

you're more than three quarters of the way to New Earth,

carry on and I'll bring you all you need in Fireball.

I'll easily overtake you.

Now what is necessary for the operation?

- Keep trying, Lieutenant Ninety, you may get through.

- Space City to Mayflower Three.

- There goes Steve.

(rocket blasts) (whirring)

(rocket blasts)

- Oh eh, Steve, most important of all,

bring some oxygen pills.

Our entire supply is missing.

- [Steve's Voice] Leave it to me, Professor.

I'll see you on New Earth.

Over and out.

- Well, that certainly fooled the learned professor.

What a surprise they'll get when they realise

it was never Steve Zodiac's voice at all.

- We will allow the beautiful Earth woman

to operate when they arrive.

We have all the necessary supplies here.

- It will be yet another slave for us.

We need all the labour we can get to develop this planet

and their primitive machinery will be quite useful too.

(aliens laughing)

(dramatic, orchestral music)

- Thank goodness Steve is coming.

- Do you, do you think Jock is uh, is gonna make it?

- Keep your fingers crossed.

- Isn't there anything more practical | can do?

- Yes, you can use your ingenuity

to set up the laboratory as an operating theatre.

- Leave it to me, Venus.

(dramatic, orchestral music)

- Any news from Mayflower, Commander?

- No Steve, the frequency is still jammed.

- They should be almost there.

| shouldn't be too far behind them

if it's not too late already.

- Eh, there.

Well I, | hope it'll do.

Now, | hope I've remembered to latch everything down.

It's gonna be a tricky business,

performing an operation in New Earth's low gravity.

- Better get your lead boots on, Professor,

we're approaching New Earth.

- That's okay, I'm wearing them, Venus.

Boy, are they killing me.

How is Jock?

- [Venus] Pretty bad.

I've left Robert with him with orders to guard him

in case he tries to get up.

He's delirious I'm afraid.

| sure will be glad to see Steve.

(gentle, quiet music)

(dramatic, orchestral music)

(rocket blasts) (hissing)

- But where's Steve?

He said he would be here.

- No sign of him, but uh,

there appears to be some sort of minute building over there.

(mystical, quiet music)

- [Alien] Welcome to New Earth,

the Lilispatians welcome you to a life of idealic slavery.

(aliens laughing)

- The Lilispatians?

- The most powerful and most evil brains in the Universe.

- Before we put you to work,

we're going to allow you to operate

on your sickly Earth friend,

but do not try any childish tricks.

The Earth man Ross is our prisoner

and we hold the vital supply of oxygen tablets.

- Oh, if only Steve were here, he'd know what to do.

- What about Robert, he doesn't need oxygen.

- Your robot will not be able to help you.

We have control of him.

We ordered him to dispose of your oxygen pills

and he obeyed.

If you wanna save the life of your miserable Earth man,

proceed immediately with the operation.

Do not attempt to leave the spaceship

or your friend, Ross, will die.

- The Lilispatians, so that's it,

the little men who fear nothing.

Wait a minute though, there is something.

Yeah, that's it!

(rocket whooshes)

(gentle, quiet music)

- Scalpel.

- Scalpel.

- Swab.

- Swab.

(gentle, quiet music)

(aliens laughing)

- Most entertaining.

- Sheer butchery.

(aliens laughing)

(dramatic, orchestral music) (rocket whirring)

(gentle, quiet music)

- Oh well done, Professor Matic,

| don't know what | would have done without you.

- (chuckles) Don't mention it, Venus, it's uh,

all part of the service.

- [Alien] Well, Earthlings,

you'd better get a good night's rest,

you're going to need it. (laughing)

- That awful voice.

- It's so weird.

Oh, if only Steve would come.

- All right, we can switch off the mini space video-graph.

- They can't leave the spaceship without oxygen pills

so there's nothing they can do.

(gentle, quiet music)

(door clicks)

- Come on, Lazoon, let's go hunting, huh?

(Lazoon muttering sleepily)

(Jock snoring) (Professor snoring)

(Lazoon mutters)

- Okay Lazoon, go get 'em.

(dramatic, orchestral music)

- The dreaded Lazoon, the space monster!

- (mutters fearfully) We'll do anything you say, Earth man,

but please, call the creature off.

- Welcome home.

(shuddering fearfully)

- This one talks.

- | can't stand it, they just scare me to death.

- Howdy small.

(aliens shriek)

- Oh, help us, Steve Zodiac, help us.

- Please Steve, Steve Zodiac,

please don't leave us with creepy crawly Lazoon.

- They're just like snakes to us, oh please.

- Oh dear, oh stop him. - Help!

- Help, help | can't stand it.

(aliens panicking) - Oh please!

- All right, Lazoon, I'll take over now.

Good boy.

(gentle, dramatic music)

That's right, Commander Zero,

Ross is on his way back in Mayflower Three

with our prisoners to pick up fresh supplies.

See you in a few days.

Over and out.

Okay Robert, take over,

I'm gonna join the others in the lounge.

- Well how are you feeling, Jock?

- Well he sure looks fine, Venus.

- | can see you've done a good job on your patient,

Dr. Venus. (door clicks)

- Well you haven't done so badly yourself, Colonel Zodiac.

- Well, when you two have finished complimenting each other,

can the patient say a word or two?

- | guess we've hardly no choice.

- Well in view of events, as they've turned out,

| think we should have a wee celebration.

So I've decided to share my haggis with the lot of you.

(Jock chuckling)

- | thought you said a celebration, Jock,

that's more like a punishment.

- Now now Steve, don't be so ungrateful.

- | uh, | hate to tell you folks,

but someone has beaten us to it.

(Lazoon muttering)

- Well that just about completes my run of bad luck.

Still, (sighs)

I'll say one thing for that Lazoon of yours, Venus,

hm, he's certainly got good taste.

(Lazoon muttering) (cheerful, music)

(upbeat, orchestral music)

the fastest guy alive

£ I'd fly you around the Universe in Fireball XL5 I

~ Way out in space together J

~ Conquerors of the sky

My heart would be a fireball, a fireball S

f Every time | gazed into your starry eyes f

¢ We'd take the path to Jupiter and maybe very soon f

£ We'd cruise along the Milky Way and land upon the moon J

~ To a wonderland of stardust, we'll zoom our way to Mars J

My heart would be a fireball, a fireball S

£ If you would be my Venus of the stars