Original subtitles

Hummers residence.

Hi, Julie.

Oh, hi, Toby.

Listen, I forgot to give you the answers

to that history question on the civil war.

Now, just remember, the north won.

Oh, heavy. Hey, are you sure you don't want to come over?

Maybe Charlie could bring a friend or two.

No.

And you better be careful.

Sometimes when a person acts wild and crazy,

well, wild and crazy things happen to them.

They do?

Yeah, believe me.

Anything could happen in this creepy place,

but I have a feeling it's the last time I baby-sit.

Listen, I gotta go.

Ok, bye, Toby.

Hello.

Hello.

I said...

Ohh!

Aah!

Surprise.

Charlie!

Cut the chit-chat.

Let's just do it.

Ooh, what's that chickeny taste?

It's chicken.

Did you just call a minute ago and hang up?

Who, me?

Not here.

Not now.

Where?

When?

Upstairs, 10 seconds.

Nice.

Charlie, you clean?

What kind of a question is that?

Of course I'm clean.

Besides, you can't wash away herpes.

Take a shower!

Orders get me hot.

I'll be waiting for you.

Charlie, is that you thumping?

All these stairs.

I hope I don't die first.

Sugarless.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Sahara Tahoe.

It's show time.

Hey, Julie.

Hey, your feet are cold.

Here, turn over.

Julie.

Julie, you're not responding

to my maleness.

Julie, are you asleep?

Holy shit!

No!

What a waste of money.

$10 for a movie, $5.00 for popcorn.

Don't forget $15 for parking

and a baby-sitter.

If I see one more horror film, I'll throw up.

What makes them think the American public

wants to watch such stupid trash?

You're right, dear. Now hurry up

or we'll miss the Dukes of Hazzard.

Look, she left the door open.

Julie, we're home.

Where is that girl?

I hope she wasn't murdered in our bed.

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Honey, what's wrong?

Look at the sink!

Your finger? You hurt your finger?

She didn't wash the dishes!

75 cents an hour.

She didn't wash one dish.

Where is that girl?

Maybe she's watching TV.

At 75 cents an hour?

We'll see about that.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Chicken.

Hmm.

Broken.

Aaaah!

She left the TV on!

Oh, where is that girl?

I'll find her. I'll find her.

The TV is left on, the dishes undone,

and look at this mess. She's ruined the stairs.

What's going on in my home at 75 cents an hour?

Honey, calm down, calm down.

You know how high-strung you are.

The doctor said one more heart attack

and it's all over for you.

Are you murmuring?

Fluttering?

Do you want your pills?

Don't worry about the stairs.

I'll clean them.

You know how I like cleaning gum off of things.

The important thing is that you calm down and relax.

Well, I'll be darned.

Aah!

Today is a sad day for me,

perhaps the saddest in my tenure

as principal of our school,

dear old Lamab High.

For me, to look down on the corpses

of 2 former students is very painful,

and I'll bet it's no picnic for the parents either,

but we must go on,

for although today is a sad day,

it is also a big day...

The day of the big parade. The big game...

I told her to be careful.

Shh.

I told her not to have

Charlie come over.

Why wouldn't she listen?

The big queen crowning,

the big yearbook signing party,

the big panty raid,

the big tree trimming.

Stop. How can you think of sex now?

I can never stop thinking about it.

Funerals get me hot.

Now this, the big funeral.

Now, we could moan about the fact

that we have to have

the extracurricular activities in one day

due to state budget cuts,

but that wouldn't be in the spirit of Lamab High,

would it?

Let's hear it for life.

Ok, give me a boo!

Give me a hoo!

Give me a boo hoo hoo!

Beat death!

Yay!

Thank you, members of the pep team.

Sex kills.

Sex kills.

Back, Malvert, back!

Do you want people to be suspicious of you?

Look at those two sneaking off.

Maybe they have to go to the bathroom or something.

We can't do it now.

My mother found my diaphragm.

What?

I'll get some protection.

I'll get foam and rubbers.

Don't start without me.

Yoo-hoo. Anybody home?

Joe, what's that?

I'm gonna give you horse head.

You're not Joe!

Aah!

Oh, you started without me.

Bertha?

Bertha?

Oh!

Oh, Mrs. Smith, I'm Mrs. Hummers.

Julie was baby-sitting at my house when she got it.

Now I wanted you to have the money I owed her.

It's all there. 5 hours at 65 cents an hour.

Oh, and I also included Julie's car fare...

One way, of course.

So, I mean, it's not your fault, you know?

I've been trying to tell you that all this time.

Don't worry. Oh, look. There's Joe.

Joe!

This is not very funny!

Joe, this is not my idea of a joke,

and... and you're acting in very bad taste!

Aah!

Oh, Hardy, have you been

fooling around with my bicycle seat again?

No.

What did you hit now?

Damn dog again.

Where are you?! Where are you?!

What do you think you're doin'?

Hey, man, that's my parking space.

Can't you see I'm blind?

Hey, I'm more handicapped than you.

I can't even make love to a woman!

I can never find one! Now move it.

Hey, that's our parking spot.

Great physical beauty can be a handicap, too.

Who could have done these murders?

I don't know. It could have been anybody.

Well, it can't be anybody.

It's gotta be somebody.

Well, of course, it's somebody.

But that somebody could be anybody.

Well, look, we didn't do it, right?

Right. So you can't say

it could be anybody. We're anybody.

True. But we're also somebody.

Whoever the killer is

couldn't have chosen a worse day.

In any case, we must remember the 3 P's:

No police, no publicity, and, uh...

No pasta.

Don't let the pressure get to you, Harlow.

That's the third "p."

I can't stand the pressure.

You're a brilliant educator.

You need some rest.

Class, today we will learn how to make...

A horse head bookend.

Perhaps man's highest cultural achievement

is the horse head bookend.

With rape...

And violence...

Rampant in this land.

With human flesh cheap and...

And vulgarized,

one of the last bastions of decency

is the gentle satisfaction one gains

from making a horse head bookend.

Just a minute, son.

Me, sir?

Yeah, yeah, the one in the bed sheets.

Take that tambourine off your head.

You belong to this school?

Yes, sir.

My name is Mawamba.

Is that a fact?

Do you know the school year began in September?

This is the last day in June.

I'm a bussing student, sir, from Ozawe.

Ozawe? That near Philadelphia?

It's in Africa, sir. That's why I'm late.

My bus just got in.

Do you know anything about...

Horse head bookends?

No, sir.

Good.

Now we only have one day to work with you

'cause it's the last day of school.

Now you're gonna make horse heads, jungle boy.

You're gonna have horse heads coming out of your ears.

Now one more question.

Would you mind telling me...

How come you're not in your neighborhood school?

It's a court order, bwana.

A court order, huh? A court order?

Now that the right people have taken over this country,

you're gonna see some real court orders.

Now sit down and make horse heads.

Now, remember, class...

You won't believe what I saw over there.

What?

Don't ask.

Look... look at this.

Where did you get that?

I found it where Joe and Bertha were murdered.

They shouldn't have been doing that at a funeral.

Talking?

During horse head bookends?

Who was that?

Sure, the girl.

What have we here, miss...

"Shouldn't be in the class anyway"?

Well, it's a horse head bookend, Mr. Duncan.

You stained it and everything.

Yes, sir.

I couldn't have done a better job myself.

That's what I was thinking.

Don't mind us, girls.

We prom queen candidates have to get changed

for the parade.

Hey, how come I have to break my ass

playing volleyball

while you get all dolled up?

'Cause I'm beautiful and you're hideous.

Oh, yeah? Someday, you'll be old and ugly.

Oh, no, I won't. Take a look at this.

I have these saved up

for the very first sign of wrinkles.

What is it, vitamin E?

Cyanide capsules. Death before disfigurement.

You're sick.

Has anybody seen Toby?

She's in big trouble.

She was found with a weapon, and...

Ha. I love locker rooms.

I love girls' locker rooms.

I love sweat.

I love girls' sweat.

What's the matter with you guys?

I don't know what's the matter with them,

but I'm nervous about becoming prom queen.

Queens.

Hey, you haven't won yet.

Well, listen, darling, with a figure like this...

Nice figure.

...that's French.

French. French. I like French.

Skin.

Boobs! Boobs!

Very fun.

Itchy. Itchy.

I'm taking it out of my pants.

I'm doin' what my mommy told me not to do.

Oh! Ah!

Oh! Oh! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aahooh!

All right, let's move it! Let's go!

Why do they always run away from me?

It's the galoshes. They're a dead giveaway.

Why do I wear 'em? It isn't even raining.

My luck.

I picked a jogger.

Unh! I can't get a break!

I'd like to kill the kid with the gum.

Aah! Oh!

Mr. Malvert!

You Mrs. Malvert.

No!

Say no to Malvert?

Yes! No!

Help Malvert.

Malvert have big problem.

5-letter word for stealth-like.

Creep!

Malvert thanks!

Lovely day for a parade.

Or a murder. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Lamab High marching band.

The finest marching band on this street

at this moment.

And remember, my dear friends,

this may not be the biggest parade in the world,

but it will be the most sincere.

We have dedicated it to those students

who have...Passed on.

For, like everyone else,

even the dead love a parade.

I'd like to make a special appeal to the killer.

Hasn't there been enough senseless killing?

Let's have a murder that makes sense.

The cheerleaders are taking off their blouses.

Yeah, yeah!

And the prom queen candidates, no clothes on.

Oh, man, yeah!

So you got my dollar?

And on the next float,

our lovely prom queen candidates,

uh, or what's left of them.

Meet Patti Priswell, Joan d'Amico,

and Barry, our boy queen candidate.

Man, that Dagmar sure looks good.

Are you crazy? Later, man.

Our school mascot the bull.

When I say that lamab has the finest

educational standards in the state,

what do you say? Bull!

Look, over there.

Did you see that?

Well, maybe he's helping her

find a bathroom or something.

Let's get comfortable, baby.

The floor may be hard, but I'm soft.

Couldn't you pick a better place?

I can't help it.

Hollow bulls get me hot.

Here I am.

You always want to do it in the daytime.

Can't we do it at night?

Yeah, but...

Let me see.

A murder weapon.

What's in this goddamn float?

Ok, Ok, it's gonna be slow.

Hey, man! Hey, slow down!

I gotta find something.

There must be something.

Ah! All right!

No! You like eggplant?

Not eggplant! Aah!

Ok, baby.

Ooh, I like your outfit.

What's this? I thought you hated eggplant.

Ralph?

Dagmar? Aah!

No!

Where are you?

You guys, I saw you come down here.

Dagmar? Aah!

It's a big day!

Big day, big day, Ms. Mumsley.

Oh, my god.

Student bodies! Student bodies!

Ladies and gentlemen,

in order to achieve an "R" rating today,

a motion picture must contain full frontal nudity,

graphic violence,

or an explicit reference to the sex act.

Since this film has none of those

and since research has proven

that "R"-rated films are by far the most popular

with the movie-going public,

the producers of this motion picture

have asked me to take this opportunity to say

fuck you.

Finished.

They're gone.

Hardy?

Aah!

What have we here,

miss "shouldn't be on the float anyway"?

Wait a minute.

No!

No. I... I didn't do it!

I didn't do it! I never do it!

3 down.

And here, thousands of years later, man.

Quite a difference, huh, class?

And yet is he perfect?

I think not.

This is totally unnecessary, ugly,

and gets in the way. Now...

I can't believe about all this talk

about Toby being involved in these murders.

It isn't true.

She's reflecting

very poorly on our school.

If she has any sense of self-honor

and decency, she'd kill herself.

Now, we can't go around changing men's anatomy,

legally, that is. But we can change a frog's.

Now if you will all please expose your frogs.

First, we will remove

all these ugly little frog penises.

Cigarette?

Ok. I'll come straight to the point.

You're the murderer.

No. That's impossible!

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

The girl's obviously a liar.

Let's give her the chair.

If you want, I can saw her head off.

Now wait a minute. May I make a suggestion?

Instead of sending Toby directly to jail...

What? And let her pass go

and collect $200? No way.

No, I meant it would be a good idea

if Toby saw our school psychiatrist

before we came to any firm conclusions.

I don't believe in psychiatrists.

What did they ever do for me?

Obviously nothing.

Dr. Sigmund is an eminently... imm...

A top man who has treated many murderers

before they killed. I feel strongly

that the proper course of action

is a thorough psychiatric consultation. Ok?

No. I don't think so.

Good. Then it's settled.

Good-bye, and thanks for your confidence

in me, Mr. Peters.

It's not really confidence, my dear.

I think you're crazy.

Now let's examine the evidence again.

Now, here are the murder weapons.

Now, who would logically have access to them?

One paperclip.

Harlow, that's yours.

3 trash bags. Now who could these belong to?

What's he doing?

This used to be the rest room

before they remodeled the building,

and Malvert thinks it's still here.

I keep a trash can over there

for just this purpose.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Of course, the man deserves some respect.

He was a teacher before the accident.

What accident?

Oh, he was in a terrible crash,

he got rammed from both the front

and the back at the same time.

Poor fellow got whiplash

in both directions.

Poor soul. Once a teacher, now a janitor.

He does enjoy the raise in pay.

Malvert afford hookers.

All done?

No.

Now done.

You can't get angry with him.

He gets teased unmercifully.

Wait a minute.

Now, he could be our man.

Look at him. Look at him!

He's got blood on his hands.

No. Since accident,

Malvert sometimes pee red.

You know good urologist?

I'll get it. I'm farthest from the phone.

That makes sense.

Hello.

Hello! I won't beat around the bush.

I killed everybody, and I'm glad! Heh heh!

I appreciate your honesty.

What makes your voice sound so funny?

I'm disguising it, schmuck.

How? By talking through

a rubber chicken.

I thought it sounded like you were

speaking through a rubber chicken.

Listen, I'm going to kill next at the football game.

Click! Did you hang up?

No. I just said click.

Well, who was that?

The killer... Chicken lips.

And if that was the killer,

then Malvert can't be guilty.

You can go, Malvert.

Damn. Malvert never get picked!

I've never been to a shrink before.

What do I say?

Tell him anything he wants to hear.

I don't know what to tell.

Just don't let him give you a lobotomy

like they did to Jack Nicholson

in cuckoo's nest.

No, I don't think so.

That would really mess you up. Don't worry.

I'm scared.

It's routine.

I'm sorry.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

That's Ok. It's all right to cry.

Perhaps this will help.

I'm sorry I'm out of Kleenex.

Thank you, Dr. Sigmund.

Don't be so formal.

Call me Pischer.

Toby, I'm going to ask you

a difficult question.

Are you up for it?

I... I think so, Dr. Sigmund.

Please, don't be so formal.

Call me daddy.

Daddy? Wouldn't that be unusual?

Not really, Toby.

You see, some day I hope to be famous,

a father image to the disturbed.

All I need is one...

Sensational case.

Multiple personality, perhaps.

Proof that reincarnation does exist, perhaps.

The devil as a patient, perhaps.

Perhaps...

Perhaps...

Perhaps...perhaps...

Perhaps.

Somebody's been using my office.

Tell me, Toby...

How do you feel about sex?

What?

Did I pronounce it right?

Well...

You mean between a man and a woman.

Yes. Or the species of your choice.

Well...

Well, I think that...

That sex can be a beautiful thing

if 2 people are in love and...

And are married

and can share and care for one another.

Uh-huh.

2 souls blending into one.

2 hot bodies pressed against each other's flesh!

Stop!

But at the same time,

it can be so ugly and...

And dirty and disgusting.

Yuck. My father...

Your father's name was yuck?

Tell me about your father.

Did you like yuck?

Oh, no. I hated him.

When I was a child,

he used to beat me and lock me in my room

with him in it!

Don't call me daddy anymore.

Well, he...

He told me that sex was bad

and... and dirty and...

And your mother?

What did she tell you?

She also told me that sex was bad and dirty,

but only with my father.

With everyone else, she said it was great.

Thank you.

Your fellow students who were murdered,

they had sex, didn't they, Toby?

Yes, but I tried to warn them.

But the police say

you may be involved in these murders.

Why would I kill my best friends?

Listen, you've gotta believe me!

I believe you, Toby. But sometimes

the mind plays strange tricks.

We do things and afterwards

we don't remember doing them.

We become forgetful.

Did you know that forgetfulness

was classified as a mental illness?

I didn't do anything I wasn't aware of.

And... and I don't feel so well now,

and I'd like to return to class, please.

Of course. We'll continue

some other time. Good-bye, Sybil,

uh, Eve.

Toby. Toby.

Today, we will discuss Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Who was Hamlet?

His dog. His dog?

Wasn't he a great Dane?

Class!

In all my years of teaching,

that is the stupidest answer I have ever heard.

Go back to grammar school.

I know where it is. I'll show you.

Whoa! Ok, Ok.

Be careful! Hey, where's your seeing eye dog?

Sorry, man. He stole my car and everything.

My legs, my legs!

Hamlet is one of Shakespeare's

greatest tragedies. It is the story of a prince,

the prince of Denmark, a melancholy man

whose mother is sleeping with his uncle.

I can relate to that.

And how does he solve this problem?

Murder!

Sorry I'm late.

Take your seat, please.

Attention, students.

As principal, I am obligated to report

that Toby badger has just come

from a psychiatric session with Dr. Sigmund.

While Dr. Sigmund has not reached

any formal conclusion, he does however feel

there is strong evidence that Toby may indeed

be the psychotic killer we've been all looking for.

But until this is confirmed at a later date,

please treat her just like any other student.

Murderer! Bye, killer.

There, there, Harlow. Don't fret.

You do have a lot on your mind.

A lot on my mind? The big day,

the big game, the big parade,

6 big deaths...

You'd call that a lot on my mind?

Here, speak to the student bodies.

You know how you like having your voice amplified.

Good afternoon, students.

This is Mr. Peters, your principal.

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is the killer has definitely been identified

as a psychotic individual

suffering from paranoiac schizophrenia.

He is armed and dangerous.

The bad news is we have no idea who it is.

If anyone should come across an individual

matching this description,

please call me at once,

but don't do it in front of him.

And remember, the big football game...

Mr. Malvert, I wanted to talk to you.

If for some reason suspicion should fall

on our dear Mr. Peters,

we would like you to confess.

Well, Mr. Peters

is a valuable asset to society,

while you are mere scum.

What difference would jail make to you?

You'll have fun with the boys.

Women don't like you much now.

I certainly don't.

Homosexuality is the up-and-coming thing.

Call it in the air!

Mine.

All right! Come on!

Man, wheels, how'd you get such great seats?

The 50-yard line.

Yeah, I used my influence. Give me the money.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Red hots! Popcorn! Peanuts!

Give me a hot dog.

Here's your hot dog. You want mustard?

Yeah, give me some...

How about something to drink?

Yeah, gi...

Hot dog. Hot dog!

Here's your hot dog. Here's your hot dog.

Here, you want mustard, too?

Here you are.

Peanuts!

Here.

I'm gonna buy you a hot dog.

Then you'll like Malvert.

Hot dog!

Slut! Slut!

All women alike! All women with Malvert.

I still think the boys are being killed

and then stuffed in the trash bags.

Not necessarily. It's a well-known fact

that if you put a male inside a 3-ply hefty bag,

tightly tied at the top,

they'll suffocate in a matter of minutes.

You can believe me.

That's how they were murdered.

You're on. Hey, chief, get over here.

Yes, sir?

Get in the bag.

Why?

Because I told you so.

Yes, sir.

Oof!

I'm bad. That's right. I'm bad.

Hey, blood. Hey, bro. What's happenin'?

Hey, blood. Whoo!

Try to get out.

All right.

Come on!

This is boring. The game sucks anyway.

Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.

I got a phone right here.

I feel like grabbing a quick shave.

Oh? I used to be a barber.

I just remembered I must pick up my daughter

at the airport.

Daddy, daddy, the plane was early!

I'm back!

Come on. Everybody will be watching the game.

Stop! Look at all this crap!

Come on, baby. Come on.

No. Al, let's stop. It's cold.

All this garbage is falling.

The garbage gets me hot.

Ohh! Ok, Ok, stay here.

I'll get a blanket and a broom.

Ok. Hurry, hurry.

I'm going.

Wrong time. Don't!

I'm just gonna keep an eye on her.

Toby.

Heeeere's breather!

Al? An eraser?!

Aah!

Joan?

Al?

I saw you guys come down here,

and I just don't think it's a very good idea.

Ohh!

Joan, I've got 'em.

Best broom and blanket money can buy.

Joan?

You look terrible.

What's this white powder?

Ecch, cut with chalk.

Joan?

No! No! No!

No touchdown.

Dead bodies on field. 15-yard penalty.

Take off.

All right, listen up now.

There's been another double murder.

A killer is among us.

All you people who have had

no previous duress for criminal charges,

leave the stadium.

All those who have had no motives

in connection with this killing,

you can go home.

All right, now.

All those whose parents are of the same sex,

you can go.

Damn. Question was too obvious.

Well, hell, we ain't got no suspect.

Where's Toby badger? Has anybody seen her?

No, not me.

She's been found on the scene of all the crimes.

Well, sounds like the killer to me.

Ok, I want everyone deputized.

Spread out and reconnoiter the area.

Any questions? Yes, Dr. Sigmund.

Yes, where did you learn

to speak English, a zoo?

I understand this killer strikes only those

who are having sex.

That could wipe out the entire senior class.

Wait a minute!

No students leave the school grounds

without filling out the proper forms.

But they're dead.

If we make an exception for the dead,

we have to make an exception for everyone!

I better get my forms.

Damn it, son.

We've been here for 2 hours now,

and we're not letting you go anywhere

until you tell us where the murderess is

of these 2 young bodies.

Now, tell me, boy,

have you ever seen a dead body? Huh?

Well, now, has anybody in this room

ever seen a dead body?

Now talk, boy.

I'm not a suspect,

and you can't keep me here any longer,

and if you had any decency, you'd remove these bodies.

There's something in the air.

Ok. Who had beans for lunch?

Who did it? He did.

But he's dead.

It's a well-known fact

that corpses can pass wind,

urinate, have erections.

There's an old Welsh saying...

"Dead men tell no tales, but they fart."

This investigation's going nowhere.

I'm getting out of here.

That was a high-pitched one.

That was the phone.

Hello.

Hello again.

Chicken lips again.

Put him on the speakerphone.

I will kill next at the prom.

Oh, yeah? Click.

Did you hang up?

No. I just said click.

Ha ha. I got him.

Eww! God!

Don't you leave town.

Toby.

Toby.

Toby, wake up.

I didn't do it.

Toby, it's me, Hardy.

Hardy, where am I?

Cleveland?

Ugh!

Oh, Hardy, it was so awful under there.

The worst is over.

Aah!

Hardy, you saved me.

That's Ok. You owe me one.

What is all this?

It's from the junior class play.

They're doing a non-musical version of Grease.

They couldn't get the rights to the music.

I'm gonna have to get you out of here.

No, I have to go to the prom

and find the killer.

But you can't do that. They'll grab you.

It's the only way to save my name.

How are you going to get past the entrance?

I... I'll have my hand stamped or something.

I mean they'll recognize you.

Besides, wouldn't that be counterproductive?

I'll go in disguise.

I... I need 2 balloons.

Oh. I happen to have 2...

In case I got lucky.

Hardy, can you please wait outside?

I could wait here.

Ahem. Outside.

We have temporarily lost our picture.

Please stand by.

Just kidding.

Hello! It's me, the breather.

You're probably wondering who I am.

Who could I be?

Could I be the innocent-looking Toby?

Would you trust a girl who looks like prince valiant

in a plum sweater?

Maybe I'm Dr. Sigmund,

a man who was once arrested

for corrupting the morals of a hooker.

Then there's Malvert, with the I.Q. of a handball

and the personality of a parking meter.

Violated.

Could I be the principal Mr. Peters,

a man who keeps cheese in his underwear

to attract mice?

Let's not forget Ms. Leclair...

English teacher by day

and English teacher by night.

Ah, Ms. Mumsley.

She eats 12 prunes a day and nothing happens.

Nurse Krud and Ms. van Dyke.

What's in a name?

Everything.

Then there's Dumpkin, a man who sleeps

with his nuts between horse head bookends.

Toby! You look so different.

I put a wig on, and I...

I put these balloons up here.

They look great. Can you keep them?

You can have them when I'm through.

Now, listen, I've been thinking.

All the clues have to be in Mr. Peters' office.

What makes you think that?

Well, that's where

they've been holding the investigations

and all the important evidence.

It's... it's got to be there.

Well, that does make sense to me.

Somehow I've got to get Mr. Peters' keys.

Hey, who is that chick?

I don't know, but what a great set of balloons.

Ignore them.

Come on, stick close to me.

Hardy, I can't go to the prom with you.

Everyone knows I’m the only friend you have.

Hardy.

Hardy, you'll blow my cover.

All right, I'll go in alone,

but I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

Ok.

Hello there. You do drugs?

Nitrous oxide?

Quaaludes?

Hey, how about some peyote?

You younger guys are always looking for action.

Come on, let's dance.

I don't care about my life so much

as long as they Bury me in that crown.

Patti, I like your set of values.

Get out of there, Malvert.

Malvert can have punch.

Malvert help make punch.

What are you talking about?

Malvert pee red.

Just one tab.

I really have to go.

You sure?

Hi there, big boy.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Well, you look so young,

and I thought you were a student. Heh.

You're the principal, aren't you?

Yes, uh... Do I know you, my dear?

Well, I don't think so.

See, I just transferred here,

and with you being so busy and all.

Principal.

Such an important job.

Why, just look at all those keys.

Indeed, I've got heavy responsibilities.

Aw, poor thing.

May I ask where you come from?

Harlow, you're not mingling.

I'm telling you, that's her.

She wants my crown.

I'll find out. I'll go dance with her.

If I don't get a hard-on,

it's Toby for sure.

Who's this? Who's this?

That's not her.

That's not Toby badger.

I know you're only acting a part, Toby,

but this is more real

than anything in my life.

Don't say a word, please.

I want you to remember this moment forever.

I will.

And who knows?

Maybe when this is all over,

maybe we can kiss again.

But right now, I...

I know. You're in danger.

What can I do to help?

Check all the outside windows.

See if there's any way in.

Then check miss Mumsley's office.

She's like Peters' clone.

She could be involved, too.

I've gotta go get those keys.

All right.

Mr. Malvert.

Don't scare Malvert. You know Malvert?

Yes, I know Malvert.

Remember 5-letter word for stealth-like movement?

Mrs. Malvert!

Yes, yes, Mrs. Malvert.

Listen, you've gotta come help me.

Malvert come.

Where is it?

Yeah, where is it?

We gotta make horse head bookend.

Mr. Peters treats you badly

like the others, doesn't he?

Yes, he mean to Malvert.

Then you can help me and get even.

How?

Listen...

Down, Malvert. Down!

Did you get them?

Uhh! I said his keys, not his cheese.

Oh. Oh, Malvert,

you're wonderful.

Students, quiet, please.

Students.

Thank you for your courtesy.

I have a special announcement.

Since all of the prom queen candidates have been killed

except Ms. Patti Priswell,

the teachers' committee has decided

it would be inappropriate to award the crown

to a student this year.

They can't do this.

We can do anything we want.

We're teachers.

Teachers suck!

And so we have decided to award the crown this year

to a king... A king of learning...

Your principal Harlow Hebrew Peters!

Patti, stop it!

Oh, I want to slash my face.

Oh, if I can't be

the prettiest girl in school,

I want to be the ugliest.

Come on, Patti,

I understand this incredible sense of loss

you must be feeling.

It's a very trying moment for a tender girl like yourself.

But I want you to know,

underneath this uniform

is the best body in this school.

Let's ball.

Was it good for you?

'Cause he's my hero.

What if someone finds us?

Patti...

Double time.

At ease.

I'm nervous.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

I'm worried.

What are you worried about?

I'm scared.

Would you pipe down and strip?

I wanna get this over with before you change your mind.

I've changed my mind.

What if the murderer should find us?

How's he gonna find us here?

I can't do it with all these horse heads

staring at me.

I can't help it.

These horse heads make me hot.

Horse heads?

What was that?

Rahr!

I heard heavy breathing.

It's me. Look, it's safe.

I got protection.

You don't have one,

and don't try to tell me

you've had a vasectomy.

Please don't pull that line.

Look, I know where I can get one.

Where?

I planned an occasion like this last summer.

I got one planted upstairs.

Where are you going?

Behind the men's room toilet.

Ha! You're crazy.

I got the idea from godfather I.

Wait here, and don't open the door

for anyone but me.

That's an order, soldier.

Scott?

Scott?

Aah!

Who is it?

Oh, it's you! You brought me the crown.

Oh, I'm prom queen after all.

Aah!

All right, soldier.

You countermanded a direct order

by leaving that door open,

and as soon as we're done here,

you're gonna police the whole area.

Patti?

Just kidding.

Look, another minute, I'll have my clothes off,

and, uh...

We'll break the rules together.

And don't worry about it...

One fully-tested safety, government-issued,

and I even cleaned my weapon.

Patti?

Patti, you finally got your crown.

Mother of god and country,

you're dead.

Let's have one for old times' sake.

Bleah.

Well, I won't be needing this.

Who is that?

Who's there?

Hey, I'm trying to get laid here.

No!

Aah!

Aw, poor kids.

They bought the farm.

At least I'm safe.

Feet, do your stuff!

What are you doing? What's up with the saw?

Ohh, I get it. I get it.

You're the killer.

Look, you've killed 10 people already.

11 is the legal limit in this state.

Best thing you can do is just unplug the chain saw

and... and hand it over to me.

Keep it.

What do you want, my life?

What would you do with it?

Take my car. It's a gorgeous k-car.

I just washed it an hour ago.

I buy Japanese.

Ooh, better idea.

While you got the buzz saw,

I'll teach you how to make horse head bookends

for all your books.

Ah, ptuh!

Ah, you probably don't have much time for reading,

what with your schedule.

Only smut.

Please...

From one sicko to another,

I'm begging you...

Mommy...

Mommy.

Ah ah ah ah.

Not bad.

Ahh.

Were you gonna use that... That on flesh?

Uh-huh.

Where's your rotary?

That's for wood.

Huh? Ahh!

I can see the heavy breathing,

but shut off the buzz saw.

Good.

Now, this is what you gotta do.

First, unplug the buzz saw.

Good.

Now oil it and clean it.

Wipe that grease off.

Ahh!

Good.

Now put it back in the case.

Put it back on the shelf where it belongs.

Ha ha ha.

Harlow, Harlow, where are you going?

I'm gonna check my office.

I think I lost my keys

and my cheese.

Toby, thinking: Harlot.

Slut.

Floozie.

Bad girl. Whore.

Bimbo.

Toby.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Peters.

You... You startled me.

I wouldn't want to do that.

Um...

I wanted to thank you

for having Dr. Sigmund, um,

have those sessions with me.

It was very helpful.

Oh?

And that's why you're here in my office?

Yes! Yes, that's right.

Toby, I'm curious.

Did you expect to find me in the filing cabinet?

Oh. Oh, that.

Oh, you mean these?

Well, I was looking at these pictures,

and... and, well, I couldn't wait

for the yearbook to come out.

Is that so, Toby?

No. Um...

Do you really want to know the truth?

Yes, Toby. Tell me the truth.

Well...

Well, the truth is... It's that...

Well, as you know, everyone suspects me

of having something to do with the murders,

like me being the murderer.

And... and... and so I was just thinking...

Yes, go on, Toby. What were you thinking?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I didn't know what to think.

You're a bright girl, Toby.

Surely you have some theory developed by now.

Well, yes, as a matter of fact,

I think that the murderer knew

all the victims.

Yes, go on.

And he must've had access to the school...

Good. Good.

Because of the murder weapons.

Someone who's immature

and crazy and...

And deranged and...

And someone who wanted to see

harm come to the students.

Someone like...

Someone like the principal.

Yes, someone like the principal.

Mr. Peters!

You're naked!

Yes, Toby.

All these years I've been secretly naked

underneath my clothes.

But did anyone notice? Any girls?

Any prom queen candidates?

No.

All those lithesome budding bodies

changing from girlhood to womanhood,

like moths into butterflies,

year after year, right before my eyes.

Do you realize how that affects a man?

Um... It makes you hot?

That's right, Toby.

It makes me...Hot.

Especially the naughty ones

like Julie and Bertha and Joan

and Dagmar.

Do you want to know why I think they were murdered?

No. Yes!

Why?

Because they were naughty.

Naughty?

Disgustingly naughty.

Each and every one of them was caught doing...Sex.

Sex? Yuck!

That's right, Toby. Yecch.

Sex is dirty and sex is bad.

Yes. Yes, I agree. I...

Well, I don't know.

I've never really done it.

But you would like to do it,

wouldn't you?

Yes. No! No.

Excuse me a moment. I'll be right back.

What... what are you going to do?

Have you ever seen our school trophy, Toby?

No, I...

I never knew we ever won a trophy.

Oh, we did.

In 20 years, we only won one trophy.

Ahh, the typing team really came through that year.

Typing team?

We retired the typewriter,

but we kept the trophy.

I'll be back.

Hello? Hello, um...

Listen, I'm in terrible danger

and I need some help.

You have reached the police.

We are closed.

Look out behind you!

I'm back again.

Look. Look behind you.

You're not going to fool me with that old trick.

See? I was right.

This is our trophy, Toby.

Look!

No!

Well, she's not in the men's room.

When we catch her,

can Malvert kill her first, Ok?

Ok, but I get first crack at her.

Hello, all.

Dr. Sigmund, what are you doing here?

And what's that hideous creature

at the end of the leash?

I tamper with nature as a hobby.

I crossed a flounder with a walrus

and a horny toad.

What did you get?

A fish with warts and a mustache

that can't get a date.

It really belongs in a zoo.

Thanks, but they refused it.

Well, good night.

She's got to be here someplace.

I'll look in the men's room.

Ok.

Aah!

Ohh.

Aah! Hardy!

Hardy!

Hardy! Hardy!

Hardy, I killed Mr. Peters,

and I think he's a murderer,

and everything's so horrible!

Hardy...

Aaaah!

Ohhh!

He's dead, my dear, just like the others.

I didn't have time to bag him.

Miss Mumsley!

Yes, miss Mumsley.

Do you think I look good in green?

Why, yes, I think it's quite flattering.

Thank you.

Too bad you have to die.

You're the only one of the girls

who didn't get laid first.

Then you did it.

I only kill the boys.

He killed the girls.

It breaks up the monotony.

But why?

Why not? I never told him.

He had no idea.

I did it to protect him

in case there were any witnesses.

I don't understand.

Because he was my son.

You're his mother?!

No, his father.

Oh, my god!

Father-mother.

But why did you do it?

Because I loved him.

Listen, please let me go and...

And I won't tell anyone you're crazy.

I swear!

Hold still while I kill you.

I'm an old woman with arthritis.

Ohh!

Hee Hee Hee!

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

This way out.

Ohh!

Aah!

Toby, snap out of it. Snap out of it, Toby.

Hardy?

Julie.

Bertha.

Patti and Scott, you're all alive!

You're all alive and...

And you're who you are in real life.

Oh, monsieur Dumshee, I had this dream and...

And you weren't even my French teacher!

I will always be your French teacher.

But you were surrounded by all these horse heads.

Qu'est-Ce Que c'est, a horse head?

You must've had a terrible dream, no?

A terrible dream? It was a nightmare.

Oh, this swine flu really affected my mind.

I... I dreamt that all my friends were murdered

because they were having sex.

Sounds reasonable.

Mr. Mumsley, you were a woman.

And Mr. Peters, you were the principal and...

It's all due to sexual repression

and urban stress, my dear.

So who was the murderer?

Luke, you can walk.

Yeah, I have been since I was 2 years old.

And Mr. Malvert, you were a janitor.

Absurd!

No, really, I was at this prom and...

And there was this weird red punch.

Sometimes, Peters pee red.

While you were unconscious,

we all felt so sorry for you that, well,

the gang voted you prom queen.

It was Patti Priswell's idea.

But, Patti, all through my dream

all you wanted was the crown.

It's all I wanted in my dreams, too.

Will you put these in water for me?

Sure.

In any event, people, Toby needs her rest.

We can all visit her tomorrow.

Don't forget your appointment on Tuesday, my dear.

Bye-bye.

What was I like in your dream?

Well, besides me,

you were the only one who was normal.

Yeah. Boring, isn't it?

Nope.

Boring gets me hot.

And I don't have any more nightmares.

Good.

Dr. Sigmund told me that sexual repression

causes swine flu,

so I think it's time for me to do it.

Here? Now?

Ok.

All I ask is that you just turn your back

while I undress, Ok?

Yes.

And I'll slip into something more comfortable.

Hardy.

Hardy, what are you doing with those rubber gloves on?

Hardy, why are you breathing so heavy?

I'm the killer.

Hardy, you're not the killer.

You're my friend, remember?

That was a dream. This is reality.

Why are you doing this?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just that kind of guy!

Aah! Aah!

Uhh!

Hardy, no!

I know it's unusual for a psychiatrist

to speak at a funeral,

but this was my client.

The latest victim, Toby badger,

just laid to rest.

She suffered severe social repression,

countered by an expressed nausea

towards sex,

which led to severe social alienation

causing huge psychological problems,

leading to the greatest psychological problem

of them all, death.

Let us pay our final respects,

but the living must go on and make a new beginning,

hopefully in a spirit of openness

and sharing of grief,

individually or in groups.

I'm sorry I had to kill you, Toby.

You just shouldn't have done it.

I lost respect,

but I do still love you.

Others have only brought you one flower,

but I've brought you 2.

And if we should ever meet again...

Aah!