Original subtitles

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ [muffled] ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

Okay now, lift your chin a little.

Look right here, right here.

Hey, where's my smile?

Come on, I bet you got a smile for me.

I'm starting to see a smile.

There it is.

Okay, great, next!

I didn't smile.

I hate picture day at school!

It's always some gay-ass photographer

with some gay-ass backdrop of New England.

Hang on a second.

My mom said to make sure I look good this time

in the school pictures.

Okay, smile.

Okay, next.

Did you go yet? - No.

This is taking forever.

You guys, you guys, this is so funny!

What, Cartman?

Dude, check it out.

For picture day, Kenny got into his parka backwards

so that his ass shows through his hood, look!

Kenny, come over here.

[muffled giggling]

[laughing]

It isn't that funny, Cartman.

Yes, it is.

Next in line.

Come on, let's keep it moving kids.

Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny.

It's totally funny.

Take off your hat, please.

But I never take off my hat.

Come on now, I bet your parents

want a picture of you looking natural.

This is how I look natural.

Kyle, we're taking pictures without hats today!

Crap.

Smile!

Come on, where's that smile?

Is it gonna kill ya to smile?

I see a smile.

[camera click]

Next!

Gay-ass.

Very nice. Okay, last one.

[laughing]

Uh-oh.

Okay, have a seat, young man.

[stifling laughter]

Okay, looking great.

Now, where's that smile?

Come on, give me a nice wide smile.

Wider.

Perfect.

How long 'til we get the pictures back?

Should be about four days.

Four days, oh man, I can't wait that long!

Come on, come on, come on, come on...

Alright class, I have your school photos to hand out.

Yes, yes!

Most of them are very nice.

But, apparently one of you

thinks it's fun to spoil their school pictures

and thinks he's a comedian.

That person will be spending the afternoon

in the principal's office.

[muffled]

School photos aren't for joking around,

so you aren't getting your photos back

Butters!

Me? But I didn't do nothin'.

For the rest of you,

I think your pictures turned out very nicely.

But--

But hey, wait a minute.

Let me see!

But, teacher, I didn't mean to look stupid in my picture,

honest!

[roaring laughter]

Dude, dude, check it out.

This is the sweetest thing I've ever done.

You've ever done?

Look how the crack is centered right in the middle!

Eric, calm down,

I'm trying to yell at Butters.

OK, OK, I'm sorry, Miss Chokson-rocks.

You know very well my name isn't Chokson-rocks,

it's Choksondik!

Say it right or you can go to the principal with Butters.

I'm sorry, Miss Choksondik.

I tried to make a good picture, honest.

Your mother is waiting for you in the principal's office.

My mom?

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Oh, oh my God.

More people have to see this picture, you guys.

I've gotta to put it on the internet.

No, wait.

Kenny, I just had the greatest idea, ever.

Welcome to South Park Milk Company,

Can I help you?

Oh, yes, hello.

I am helping out a family who has a missing child,

and I was wondering if you could print his photo

on your milk cartons?

Oh, of course.

Printing those photos on our milk really does help.

Do you have the photo with you?

Yes, I have it right h'nyah.

Okay, great.

We'll print it immediately.

You will?

[snickering]

Thank you for your help.

Sure.

If I could just get a description of the child

to print underneath the photo.

Description... Oh, yes.

He has blonde hair.

And a brown eye.

A brown eye.

Okay, brown eye.

And big, rosy cheeks.

Full cheeks.

[laughing]

Full cheeks!

Winking brown eye, brown eye's winking.

Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person

to be run over by a motorcycle this week,

leaving a city to ponder, "who will be next?"

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[laughing]

You guys, you guys...

Hello?

[laughing incessantly]

Cartman?

Hurry. [click]

What's he want?

I don't know, let's go see.

[laughing]

[doorbell]

Why'd you call us?

Come on, come on.

It's so sweet.

You guys, Stan, here, this is so sweet.

God damn it, Cartman, what?

You put Kenny's picture on a milk carton?

Look at the descriptions.

Brown eye!

[laughing]

That isn't funny, Cartman.

Oh, it's so completely funny.

It's totally funny.

No, it's not, Cartman.

You know, there really are couples out there

who are missing children.

No there aren't.

Jesus, grow up, you guys.

[humming]

[gasps]

Oh, my god...

Oh, my God!

Steven, Steven, come quick!

What is it, Martha?

Look, it's him.

It's... our son.

Our son?

[mooing]

...and so that's when I called out to my husband.

I just knew the boy pictured on your milk carton

was our little Tommy.

Yes, I see.

But the child on the milk carton was reported missing,

not found.

We realize that.

But we just thought that maybe someone else

had found Tommy and then lost him again.

We're pretty certain that it's our boy,

considering his physical appearance.

Martha and I have the same condition.

Right.

You may not have realized it,

but we actually have buttocks where our heads should be.

Really?

Yes.

Steve and I have a condition called

"Torsonic Polarity Syndrome".

It's a birth defect that's passed on genetically.

over 11 people worldwide suffer from T.P.S.

Mmm, mmm, that's amazing.

Martha and I were lucky enough to meet each other

at a T.P.S. Convention in France.

So, ah, do you have heads

down where your rear end should be?

No, no, don't be silly.

You see, with T.P.S. the birth defect is on the exterior only.

Behind this we still have all our vital head organs--

tongue, eyes, nasal passages.

well, Mr. and Mrs...

Uh, Thompson.

Thompson.

I'll contact the young boy who gave me the photo,

and perhaps we can all visit him together.

Oh, wonderful!

Steven, we're going to see Tommy again.

Now, Martha,

What did I say about getting your hopes up?

You're right, You're right.

[laughing]

Okay, Cartman, what do you want this time?

Oh, you guys, you guys.

Oh my God.

Okay, okay, so get this, get this.

The milk company calls me, right?

They call me and say that two people from Wisconsin

saw the picture of Kenny on the milk carton

and they think it's their kid.

[screaming laughter]

Dude, that's not funny if they're missing their son.

No, no, no, no.

Because apparently these two people

also kind of look like they have butts

where their heads should be.

[cackling hysterically]

Nah-uh!

Oh, yes!

And the best part is,

they're coming here to my house--

and it is gonna be so funny!

[doorbell]

Oh, jeez, that's probably them now.

Okay, you guys, just play it good.

Just, shh, no, you guys.

[chortling]

Okay, okay-shh...

Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson.

Eh.

[laughing] Holy crap, dude.

No way!

We understand you've seen our son.

Uh, is this the right address?

I, I don't...

Cartman, where are you going?

[muttering]

Excuse me, do you boys know anything about this?

Ah, uhh... - Oh, boy.

Look, if you want an explanation,

you better go to Kenny's house.

Yeah, he lives about four houses away

on the bad side of town.

Oh, thank you, thank you!

Well?

They said to inquire four houses down.

Let's hurry!

Cartman, what the hell you doing?

Yeah, you missed them turning around.

You guys, something's wrong.

What?

I think I just saw the funniest thing I'll ever see.

And I think... I blew a funny fuse.

Blew a funny fuse?

it was just too much, and my sense of humor overloaded.

I don't think anything will ever be funny again.

Oh God, what have I done?

You mean they both have butts instead of heads?

Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're over at Kenny's.

How do they eat?

How the hell should we know?

Butters, hey, Butters!

You gotta check this out!

What?

You gotta come to Kenny's house with us.

There's these two people who have asses

where their heads should be.

Ah, I can't fellas.

I'm grounded for looking stupid in my school picture.

But, dude, you gotta see, it's hysterical!

Butters can't come out and play, boys.

He thinks it's funny to look like a jackass

in his school pictures that I have to pay for.

But I told you, Mom,

I didn't mean to look like a jackass.

It just happened.

You made a goofy face. - No!

That's just what I look like.

See?

Don't you make that face at me young man.

I'm not making a face, Mom!

Stop it!

Come on, we wanna see the ass people.

Alright.

Fine, Butters,

if you don't wanna stop making that stupid face at me,

you can just stay in your room for another week.

Another week?

I hate my stupid face.

Okay, Eric, as your counselor,

I want you to feel comfortable talking about anything, m'kay?

Mr. Mackey, is it possible

that you can see something so funny

that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Well, I can't think of anything

that would be that funny.

Two people with asses for heads.

Ever since I saw them, I can't laugh at anything.

Oh, I see.

Well, what did you used to think was funny?

You know, all the usual stuff--

dirty jokes, funny movies, seeing someone die.

This morning I even saw a little girl

get her fingers caught in a car door,

and I couldn't laugh.

I mean, I knew it was funny, but I couldn't laugh.

Well, Eric, I suppose that just like everything else,

laughter can be relative.

In other words, sometimes people see something so scary

that nothing else scares them,

so the same could be true for funny things.

So does that mean I'll never laugh again?

It's possible, m'kay.

But, y'know, if you have completely lost

your sense of humor,

you can always become a writer for the show Friends.

[chortling]

M'kay.

Euh!

And so you see, our son was just playing a joke,

and the little fat kid put it on the milk carton.

Yes, yes, I see.

Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons an apology?

No, it was foolish for us to get our hopes up.

It was just such a coincidence considering the photo.

You may not have realized this,

but Martha and I have buttocks where our heads should be.

Really? - Really?

Mr. and Mrs. Thompson,

how long has it been since you've seen your son?

Tommy disappeared when he was only seven.

Oh, Steven!

It's like it's all happening all over again.

[blubberfarting]

There, there now.

Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright.

Listen, the South Park Milk Company

is the country's largest.

We find lost children all the time.

[blubberfart continues]

We can help you find Tommy with the milk company's database!

Yes, we'll all help you find your son.

Just stop crying.

Please, for the love of God, stop crying!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Mr. Thompson, how did your son become missing,

was he abducted?

Yes, he was in the care of our nanny at the time.

The nanny that we trusted so much took off with him,

and we still don't know why.

[fart]

We think perhaps she wanted a child of her own.

And this was back in Wisconsin?

Yes, but we last heard the nanny was heading west.

That's why we thought Colorado made sense.

We tried every avenue to find him,

but we never tried the milk company.

Well, you just give us a try,

I think that you'll find that South Park milk

is not the only the best resource for finding kids,

but also the best producer of the freshest

2% low-fat milk the world can offer.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for helping us.

This certainly is a friendly town.

You've all been so wonderful.

Yes, I'm so grateful, I just wanna cry again.

All: No!

Dude, why are you wearing Shalana's panties?

[laughter]

I had to wear Shalana's panties,

Lisa's were in the wash!

Look, can we just get this over with?

But, dude, I can't French kiss him,

he's my grandpa!

Come on, dude.

Oh, alright, here it goes.

Come here, grandpa.

Ohh!

Oh, dude, oh.

Dude, what's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

Well, I'm glad that's over with.

We better go back to the house now to see how Chris is doing.

[insincere laugh]

Heh heh.

Hey... Ooh.

Mr. and Mrs. Thompson,

as president of the South Park Milk Company,

I want to apologize personally

for printing that falsified picture on our milk cartons.

Please, please, it's not your fault.

Yes, but here at South Park Milk,

we strive for excellence.

For instance, we are now entering the extraction room.

As you can see,

we keep it close to the refrigeration room.

That way we can get the milk to the container

as fast as possible.

That's why some say South Park Milk

tastes like you're sucking it

right from the cow's tits yourself.

Amazing.

Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin "D"

and our fresh scones.

[chewing loudly]

Delicious.

Oh, excuse me,

a little difficult to drink with our condition.

Martha and I actually have buttocks

where our heads should be.

Really?

Well, and in here we have our

missing child resource center.

Oh, my, isn't this impressive.

Yes, with the Cowron 4000,

Mrs. Garthunk can search a database

of over 30 million missing child cases.

We'll start the computer on a data search.

Now, when did your son turn up missing?

Well, it was 1982.

Tommy was only six at the time.

Alright then.

Computer!

Working!

Run a scan of missing children since 1982.

Check for physical birth defects called T.P.S.

T.P.S., Torsonic Polarity Syndrome,

plus missing since 1982, working!

So you actually haven't seen your son in over 20 years?

That's right.

But then why did you think the picture of Kenny was him?

Wouldn't your son be much older now?

Yes, but since he appeared to be at least

eight in the photo...

[chewing]

we assumed someone had seen him since we had.

This is the only photo we have of our little Tommy.

It's gonna take quite a while for the computer

to do a scan of all missing kids.

Well, why don't we let Miss Garthunk do her work,

and I'll let you two out for some good ol' Colorado chili.

We don't really like chili. It makes us throw up.

[doorbell]

Well, hello, Eric.

I was really glad you called me, very much.

Jimmy, thank God, get in here!

What's this all about?

Jimmy, you've always been my favorite stand-up comic.

You've gotta help me, I've lost my sense of humor.

Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric.

Comedy can be the best therapy, very much.

I just have to find my funny bone again.

Just try and make me laugh.

Oh, I don't think that will be hard.

I've been working on my routine.

Okay, let me have it.

Okay, try this one on for size.

Why did the pigeon cross the road?

Okay, why?

Because he was having sex with the chick...

Because he was having sex with the ch-chick...

Because he was having sex with the ch-ch-ch...

He was having sex with the chicken.

Nah, see, something's wrong, I'm not laughing.

Wow, what a great audience.

How about this classic?

Knock knock. - Who's there?

Orange. - Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say b...

Orange you glad I didn't say ba...

Orange you glad I didn't say ba-n...

Orange you glad I didn't say ba-nana?

No, that didn't work either.

Wow, what a great audience.

Knock knock.

[sighs] Who's there?

An interrupting cow.

An interrupting cow who... - Moo!

What a terrific audience.

Ah, let's see.

The Dallas-Fort Worth area, I haven't tried there yet.

Computer?

Working.

Scan for any children reported found

In the Dallas-Fort Worth area with a facial deformity.

Working.

[beeping]

Negative.

Oh, this is hopeless.

Wait a minute, let's try it this way.

Computer!

Working.

Scan data banks for children

who reported their parents missing.

Working.

1,006,000 hits.

Alright, then break it down to claims in the past 20 years.

Working.

321,000 hits.

Alright, now run a scan on homogenized

versus pasteurized skim milk.

In skim form, homogenized has longer shelf life

by 2.3 weeks.

Okay, okay.

Now give me a breakdown

of people who are seeking their parents

who also suffer from a disease called T.P.S.

Torsonic Polarity Syndrome

plus a claim not to know parents.

One match.

Bingo.

Do you have a photo?

Printing!

My God!

Oh, my God.

Butters, hey, Butters!

Hey, yeah?

They found the butt-face people's son, Butters.

They're gonna have a big reunion at the milk company.

Oh, gee, that sounds swell, fellas.

But I can't go, 'cause I'm still having behavioral problems.

Why are you wearing a paper bag on your head?

My parents are making me wear this paper bag on my head

until I learn to stop making silly faces all the time.

They really had it up to here with me.

Butters, are you ready to stop with the stupid faces?

I sure am, Dad.

Alright, you can take the paper bag off.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm sorry I was bad.

Oh, very funny, young man!

You think it's clever to make yourself up like a girl?

But dad, I didn't--

Did you use your mother's makeup?

She's gonna be furious.

I'm not wearing makeup, dad.

Put that bag back on!

Yes, sir.

Dude, that poor kid.

Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his ass tomorrow.

Dear mom,

I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor.

Without laughter, the world is a cold and sad place.

And I can't go out to face it anymore.

Please tell everyone why I won't be at school.

And please buy me more chocolate guns.

I'm starting to run out.

Please get the kind with marshmallow inside.

I don't like the peanut butter filled one.

- Eric.

And so it is with great pride

that we have flown little Billy Thompson out here

to be reunited with his parents for the first time in 20 years.

Mrs. Garthunk.

Thank you, Mr. President.

I'm proud to be an employee of South Park Milk,

which to date has found over 100,000 missing kids

and led the way in the fight against curdling.

Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up

not knowing who his parents were.

But he was strong and resilient

and ended up becoming very successful.

I think it will amaze you as it will all of us to learn

that your son...

Is Ben Affleck.

Come on out here, Ben!

Mom, Dad!

Son!

Oh, son!

What's going on?

Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck.

Oh, our little Ben.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Wow, I never realized Ben had T.P.S.,

but I definitely see the resemblance now.

[farting]

Oh, son. [farting]

Isn't this wonderful?

Okay, gang, give me a big smile.

Well, looks like everything turned out alright for them.

Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call him Ben Ass-fleck.

[laughing]

Ben Ass-fleck, that's funny!

Hey, you're laughing, Cartman.

Hey, you're right.

Oh, this is great-- Ben Ass-fleck!

Wait a minute, don't you see what happened?

What?

Everything turned out okay for those people.

And so now you can laugh.

Huh?

When Cartman first opened the door

and saw the Thompsons,

He felt bad for playing a joke on them.

Now that everything's turned out alright,

he's able to laugh.

Whoa, you're right.

Cartman had a feeling of remorse.

No, no, no, I blew a funny fuse.

there is no such thing as a funny fuse, Cartman.

You felt bad!

Whatever, all I know is I can laugh again.

I'm gonna go home and eat another chocolate gun.

Come on, Kenny!

[laughing]

Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody

and couldn't laugh at them.

Our little man is growing up, Stan.

He's growing up.

Yeah, I guess we all are.

Maybe things are finally gonna start

getting more sophisticated around here.

[farting]

Oh, son.