All language subtitles for South.Park.S05E03.Super.Best.Friends.1080p.BluRay.DD5.1.x264-CtrlHD_track3_[eng]

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

Okay, Carol, put the card
you picked back into the deck

so I can't see it...twah.

What's going on?

This feller David Blaine.
He's doing magic tricks.

Hey, where'd you
get that ice cream?

Okay, now hold this card up
to the crowd.

Was that the card you picked?
- No, I'm sorry.

I picked the four of hearts.

Four of hearts? Really?
Look again.

Aah!

Ohhh!
- Whoa!

That's pretty cool, dude!
- Who's this asshole?

He's a magician
named David Blaine, dude.

He kicks ass.

Where'd you guys
get that ice cream?

Sir, c-could you
come over here?

Now, what I want you
to do, Mister...?

Kern.

Mr. Kern, I want you
to just think about a card.

Pick any card,
and picture it in your mind.

Okay.

Okay, just --
just think about your card.

Okay, look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Okay, now reach up your ass.

- Huh?!
- Go on, reach up your ass.

I don't feel nothing.

- Deeper.
- [ Grunts ]

I don't feel -- I don--

Wait. Wait!

Was that the card you picked?

Yes!
Oh, my God!

- Oh ho!
- Mm!

- Wow, that's cool!
- How'd he do that?

Thank you.

I've been traveling from town
to town for quite a while.

I've started quite a following,

mostly because of
my levitation trick...twah.

Watch. Watch.

- Whoa!
- No way!

Damn. That guy is the coolest
guy in the universe!

Pamphlet. Pamphlet.

Here you go, kids.
Take a pamphlet.

"David Blaine Workshop.

Learn all about David Blaine
at the Center for Magic."

Dude, we got to go!

Yeah, and they probably teach
you how to do magic tricks!

Hello, everyone.

My name is Steven,
and I've been a Blaintologist

for about three years.

So, when David Blaine performed
his miracles out on the street,

what moved you the most?

His miracles?

Oh, yes. You see, David Blaine
is much more than a magician.

He's a scholar,
a visionary, a leader.

When are we gonna learn
magic tricks?

Yeah!

Oh, I've got a trick
for you to learn --

I can show you how to make
your true self appear.

Let me ask you all something --

Do you consider yourselves
to be happy?

I don't think I'm very happy.

I always fall asleep
to the sound of my own screams.

Right, y-you see, the reason
that you are unha--

And then I always get
woken up in the morning

by the sound of my own screams.

Do you think I'm unhappy?

Well, the -- the point is
that you can be happy.

You see, your friends
and parents have programmed you

in a way that makes you feel
isolated and alone.

How many times have you felt
like nobody knows the real you?

You're not really happy.

KYLE: I'm not really happy.

Your potential hasn't
even been reached.

My retential
hasn't even been reached.

If you look through
David Blaine's incredible book,

you'll find a lot
of life's answers.

Let's read some of the book
together, shall we?

Then we get to be in
David Blaine's secret club?

- That's right.
- Cool!

Ike, eat your gefilte fish.

- No.
- Mom! Mom!

I found out all about this great
new magician named David Blaine.

That's nice, Kyle.
Ike, eat!

We spent all afternoon
learning about

how we aren't actually happy.

I had no idea how unhappy I was
until today.

They gave me this
cool book to read,

and I'm already
on chapter four.

Well, it's nice to see you so
interested in something, Kyle.

Ike, for the love of Abraham,
you are gonna eat this!

So can I go to the magic camp

to learn how to become
a full member?

All the other guys are doing it,
and it's only $69.95.

Magic camp?

I don't know, boubbie.
Ask your father.

Ike, you will eat this!

Prepare to be cleansed and
release the magic inside you.

I am prepared!

[Buzzes]

Ah, geez,
it sure got cold in here.

Next!

Congratulations,
young Blaintologists.

From this day, you are clean.

Now, we have
very important work to do!

David Blaine is going to
put on a big magic show

in Denver tomorrow night, where
he's going to eat his own head.

[All]
Wow!

So it's up to
all you new Blaintologists

to get as many people there
as you can.

Whoever gets the most people
to come gets a prize!

Kyle, I'm starting to think
that this is a really bad idea.

I'm not Kyle. I'm Butters.
I thought you were Kyle.

- No, I'm Stan.
- You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

- Who are you?
- I'm Kyle.

Heh heh.
Guess who I am, you guys.

Kyle, I think we may have
gotten into something bad here.

What do you mean? We're learning
all kinds of cool stuff.

Look at us, dude. These people
are trying to change us somehow.

I think it's time we went home.

But David Blaine's gonna do more
miracles in Denver tomorrow.

I don't care!
I'm leaving!

Excuse me.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going home.

You don't want to go home.

You said we're free to leave
whenever we want.

- You are.
- Then move out of the way.

I'm not in your way.
You are.

Are you unhappy
with the church's teachings?

Let's just talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to leave.

Why don't we go into the back
room for a second and talk?

Then you can leave.

That's okay.
I-I changed my mind.

I'm gonna stay.

That's great news.

Okay, it's all clear.

- What are we doing?
- We're getting out of here.

This whole thing has
gotten way out of hand.

Whoa, whoa,
I'm not going anywhere.

- Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!
- It's not stupid, Stan.

For once in my life, I feel like
I'm part of something.

A part of what?! Some gaywad
magician's crazy life plan?

Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad!
He's a brilliant man.

No, they've just convinced you
that he's a brilliant man.

- Let's go!
- I'm not going anywhere!

God damn it, I'm not going
with you! I want to stay here!

Huh?
I thought you wanted to leave.

- Oh, wait, who am I again?
- You're Stan.

Oh, oh, yeah. God--
God damn it, hold on a second.

Okay. Now, look, dude,
I'm getting out of here,

and you're a dumbass
if you don't come with me.

Then I guess I'm a dumbass.

Kyle, please.

You're -- You're my best friend.

Well, this is
what I believe in now, Stan.

And if you can't respect that,

then I guess we're not
best friends anymore.

Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle.
And this is Cartman.

We'd like to share our interest
in David Blaine with you.

Uh-oh. My husband warned me
about you Blainiacs.

I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.

Uh, it doesn't matter, ma'am.
Blaintology is for everyone.

There are Blaintologists
who are Catholics, Buddhists.

Why, even Kyle here
is a Goddamn Jew.

That's right.

So you're not a cult?

[Chuckling] A cult?
No.

David Blaine is a real person.

You may have seen
his television specials on ABC.

He also wrote a book, and we'd
like to share it with you.

Well, all right.
Come on in.

Cool.

And if you look here,
you can see how David Blaine

performed the miracle of being
frozen in ice at Times Square.

Ma'am, have you ever wondered

what David Blaine's
plan is for you?

No, not really.

Oh, see, that --
that's interesting because

I'm so thankful
for David Blaine's book,

and I'm so thankful
that he showed me

the way to true happiness,

but I think about
his plan often.

David Blaine is doing
a big performance

in Denver tomorrow night.

We're sure his magic
will entertain and astound you!

He's going to eat his own head.

How many tickets
can we put you down for?

Oh, I can't go.

Oh, come on.
It'll make you a happy person.

- I am happy.
- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

- I really am.
- No, you're not.

- But I am.
- No, you're not.

- All right, two tickets.
- Great!

That's 15 people
we got to agree

to come see
David Blaine perform in Denver!

Yes, Brother Kyle,
but our work is not over.

We must still recruit
10 more audience members

in order to get the prize.

I think if we try Kenny's
neighborhood, we might find a...

Come, Brother Kyle.
We have no time for him.

[Engine starts]

[Tires screech]

Aaah!

You'd better watch yourself
next time, abandoner!

[Doorbell rings]

- Hi, Jesus. It's me, Stan Marsh.
- Stan Marsh.

Of course, I know you, my child.
Come in.

This guy is going around
doing magic tricks

and saying they're miracles.

My friend Kyle thinks
he's totally awesome!

You are good to bring this
to my attention, Stan.

Cults are
a very dangerous thing.

I read in the Bible that
you performed miracles too.

If you could
go in front of these people

and do your miracles,
then they'll all see

that David Blaine
isn't so special.

The miracle I'm most famous for
is turning water into wine.

- Can you do it again?
- Very well.

I shall perform the miracle.

Behold! Here you can see
ordinary water -- clear, clean.

Okay, now turn around.

Uh, n-- tur-- turn around.

O-Okay, now turn back.

It is now wine!

That's it?
That's how you did that trick?

W-Well, yeah.

That trick sucks, Jesus.

Oh. Well, I guess it worked
a little better on people

2,000 years ago.

Dude, we have to do something.

This guy is performing more
miracles in Denver tonight.

He's gonna get more followers,

and it will be impossible
for me to get Kyle out.

Then let's go!

But, dude, I'd I don't think
you should do

that lame water-to-wine trick.

Oh, don't worry. I have a few
more miracles up my sleeve.

This is a really good turnout.

And now, ladies
and gentlemen, David Blaine!

Hello, my children...twah.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
may we have silence, please,

as magician David Blaine
will now eat his own head.

[Audience gasping, murmuring ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dude, no way!

Thank you, everyone...twah.

Our organization
grows larger every day.

Soon the government
will even have to give us

tax-exempt status
as a bona fide religion.

Hold!

- It's Jesus!
- Is that Jesus?

What's he doing here?

My children,
it is time for you to go home

and stop following
this false prophet.

You should be using your money
and time for other things.

These are simple magic tricks.

His magic is interesting, but
will it put food on your table?

Feeding the hungry,
now that is a miracle!

Behold. I have here fives loaves
of bread and three fish.

Certainly not enough
to feed this entire crowd,

but now -- turn around.

You need to turn around.

Okay, now turn back.

Now, how the hell
did he do that?

- Wow!
- Wow!

Your magic is old and outdated,
Jesus...twah.

- Just like you are.
- Oh, really?

Then what's this ace of spades
doing behind your ear?

- Whoa.
- Nice. Ooh!

- Whoa!
- Wow!

[Cheers and applause]

Jesus Christ!

He's incredible!

The old religions
have failed you...twah.

What have they offered except
for war, poverty, and sadness?

Blaintology offers you the key

to living your life
to the fullest!

Will you join us?

[All] Yes!

His magic is too powerful,
Stanley.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Then what are we gonna do?
- I cannot face him alone.

We must get the help
of all the Super Best Friends.

Buddha -- Buddha, come in!

"Super Best Friends"?

This is Buddha, Jesus.
Go ahead.

Buddha, we may have a problem.

I've just encountered a magic
I've never seen before.

I'll call everyone together.

Come as fast as you can.

Come, Stanley.
We must travel far and long.

To where?
- Distances unfathomable to man.

Yea, take hold
of my robe, Stanley,

and do not open your eyes.

I am ready.

Are you still
keeping your eyes closed?

Yeah.
- Good. You want some peanuts?

[Indistinct conversations]

Congratulations, sister.

You have heard the noble truth
and are now a Blaintologist.

Everyone!
Everyone, gather around!

I have great news
for all Blaintologists

and for our new members, as well.

We've just gotten word
from Mr. Blaine himself.

The government has denied
our church's request

for tax-exempt status!

But we want
tax-exempt status.

Yeah, why is that good news?

Because Mr. Blaine has arranged
for all Blaintologist members

from every city and state
to march into Washington

and demand our right
for tax-exempt status

by committing a mass suicide!

Mass suicide?

Mr. Blaine has said that by
killing ourselves in Washington,

we are guaranteed everlasting
happiness in the afterlife!

[Laughter, indistinct talking]

Get your things ready.
We leave for Washington at dawn!

Did you hear that, guys?
We're finally gonna die!

All right, Stanley.
You can open your eyes now.

This is the Hall of the
Super Best Friends, Stanley.

The headquarters for those
who stand for what's right.

Jesus! We've been working hard
since we got your distress call.

Who the kid?

Stanley, I want you to meet
some of the Super Best Friends.

Buddha, with the powers
of invisibility.

Muhammad, the Muslim prophet
with the powers of flame.

Krishna, the Hindu deity.

Joseph Smith,
the Mormon prophet.

Lao-tzu, the found of Taoism.

And Sea Man, with the ability
to breathe underwater

and link mentally with fish.

So you mean to tell me
that even though people fight

and argue over
different religions,

you guys are all
actually friends?

More than friends, young boy.

We are Super Best Friends

with the desire
to fight for justice.

We all believe in the power
of good over evil.

Except for Buddha, of course,

who doesn't really
believe in evil.

Wow.

Jesus!
Come look at this.

After your distress call,
we entered David Blaine

into the Super Best Friends
computer.

Many interesting things
showed up.

He was raised in New York City
by a decent family

but a freak washing-machine accident

at the age of 12 made him learn
the ways of the black arts.

That's right, Seaman.

[Laughter]

Sea Man!

Uh, that's what I said --
Seaman.

[Laughter]

Stop it!

[Whispering] Cartman!

Cartman, wake up.
Cartman.

No, Paula Poundstone,
leave me alone!

- Aah! Uh...
- It's just me.

Brother Kyle.
Why do you disturb my rest?

Dude. I don't think I want to
be part of this anymore.

What?

I think Stan might've been right.

Anyway, I think
it's going too far.

I mean, if I kill myself, it's
gonna make my family really sad.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
I don't want to die either.

I haven't even
gotten my pubes yet.

I think we should bail.

If we leave the group,

maybe other people will get
the courage to leave, too.

That cou-- That could be
difficult, Brother Kyle.

But all right, listen --
Why don't we sleep on it?

If we decide
to leave the faction,

we can do it in the morning.

Okay.
Okay, you're right.

Oh, Cartman?
Thanks.

Cartman?

[ Thud ]

[ Knocks ]
What the hell?

[Singsong] I told on you!

I told on you!

What have you done, Cartman?!

This is for your own good,
Brother Kyle.

You must understand,
brother Kyle...twah.

You know too much
about the church.

If you left now, you'd become
a danger to our cause.

And you know
what else Kyle said?

Um, Kyle,

he said that if we were
all gonna commit suicide,

that he wouldn't do it.

Cartman, you fat-ass tattletale!

At least I'm not the boy
in the plastic bubble.

The suicide pact
will go as planned.

If we die, we all die together.

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the
Hall of Super Best Friends...

Look at that, Jesus.

His followers are growing
at a rate even faster than mine.

It appears this David Blaine
is as dangerous

as you and your young friend
had feared.

I knew it!

Here, I have a videotape of his
performance the other night.

Perhaps we should have
Moses look at the tape

and see what he comes up with.

Moses, scan this tape.

Can you tell us the source
of Blaine's power?

Give me the information.

Wow! The Moses.

His magic is a combination
of centrifugal line

and sleight of hand.

Wait a minute.

I'm picking up movement

from Blaintologists
all over the country.

The Blaintologists
are heading to Washington.

- But why?
- Wait a minute.

At his performance, David Blaine
said something about

trying to get
tax-exempt status.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

If he gets tax-exempt status,

then he'll become a real religion.

He would become unstoppable.

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile,
in the Nation's Capitol,

Blaintologists from
all over the country

have gathered
to commit mass suicide!

If the government will not
give us tax-exempt status,

then we must prove
that we are willing to die

for our beliefs...twah.

All right, brothers and sisters,
gather around.

It's time to drown ourselves
in the reflecting pool.

However, the reflecting pool
is a little more shallow

than we originally thought,
so to drown ourselves,

you will need to
lie on your stomach facedown

until you die, as such.

[Gurgling]

[Gurgling stops]

Next!

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile,
at the White House...

Mr. President, we can't let them
all kill themselves.

Well, we can't give them
tax-exempt status either, Karl!

Hey, George!
What's going on?

All right, Brother Kyle,
it is time for us to die!

Cartman! We've been brainwashed,
don't you see?

We don't have to do this!

But it's the only way
for us to be happy.

Cartman, no!

Give us what we want or we will
continue to die...twah.

Not so fast, David Blaine.

Jesus! Not again.

Yes! But this time,
I've brought some help.

Super Best Friends, ho!

- Buddha!
- Muhammad!

- Joseph Smith!
- Krishna!

- Lao-tzu!
- Sea Man!

The mass suicide is over,
Blaine, and so are you!

I don't think so.
Get them!

[Screaming]

My ice breath
should take care of you.

Kyle! Kyle!

Sweet salvation!

Kyle?

[Gasps] Oh, my God!
They killed Kenny!

You bastards!

Kyle?

Oh, my God!
They killed Kenny!

You bastards!

Oh, my God!
They killed Kenny!

- That takes care of them.
- Now it's your turn, Blaine!

Perhaps you need to see
some real magic.

Raaargh!

Oh, this looks like trouble.

So long, Super Best Fools!

- Kyle!
- Stan!

- Kyle, you can't kill yourself!
- I don't want to kill myself!

They rigged this thing
to fill with water!

[Thudding]

We've got to stop
that oversized Abraham Lincoln!

Muhammad!

- Aargh!
- Aah!

Great Scott!

[Gasping]

Okay, try again.

Hyup!

[Indistinct shouting
and screaming]

It is too powerful, Jesus!

It seems to have no weakness.

There has to be a way
to destroy it.

Jesus to Moses!

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the
Super Best Friends League...

- Come in, Moses!
- What?

We need to know how to kill
a giant, stone Abraham Lincoln.

Um...

Let me, um...

A giant, stone
John Wilkes Booth?

You heard him,
Super Best Friends!

We've got to make a giant,
stone John Wilkes Booth!

Krishna, we're going
to need wood for a mold!

Form of -- a beaver!

I will find sources of concrete.

You, get the water
to mix it with, Seaman.

[Laughter]

ANNOUNCER: Using the wood that
Krishna cut down as a beaver,

Jesus uses
his master carpentry skills

to make a giant mold.

That should do the trick.
Now for some concrete.

ANNOUNCER:
Meanwhile, in the ocean depths,

Seaman seeks out water
to mix with the concrete.

Sea Man!

Look, Swallow, we should be able
to divert the water

with that pipe.

ANNOUNCER:
And so Seaman and Swallow

get to -- get to work, heh.

Kyle, you have to
hold your breath!

[ People screaming ]

Oh, very funny.

Lao-tzu, bring it to life.

ANNOUNCER:
Using his power of Taoism,

Lao-tzu becomes one with the
giant, stone John Wilkes Booth.

Barp!

Ah!

It worked.

Now freeze over the pool so no
one else can drown themselves!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Hey, I was just about to do it!

ANNOUNCER: Later,
at the exact same location...

Damn you, Super Best Friends!

Your magic is no match for
our powers combined, Blaine!

Then I guess you win this time,
Super Best Fools!

But I'll be back!

Twaah.

God damn it!

It's all right.
Everything is as it should be.

Oh, shut up, Buddha.

Our leader, he's --
he's leaving us.

Don't leave us, David Blaine!

Listen up, everyone.

You don't need David Blaine
to tell you how to live.

You see, cults are dangerous
because they promise you hope,

happiness,
and maybe even an afterlife.

But in return,
they demand you pay money.

Any religion that
requires you to pay money

in order to move up
and learn its tenets is wrong.

You see, all religions have
something valuable to teach,

but just like
the Super Best Friends learned,

it requires
a little bit of them all.

He's right.
He -- He's right!

Thanks for saving me, Stan.
You're my Super Best Friend.

Your my Super Best Friend, too,
Kyle.

Oh, that's so sweet, you guys.

You want to go get a room
so you can make out for a while?

[Laughs]

Ow!
Jesus! What was that for?!

[Stan and Kyle laughing]
Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow!

Well, it looks like
everything worked out.

ANNOUNCER: And so Jesus and his
companions leave Washington.

But their return is assured,

for there will
always be a need for

the Super Best Friends!