Original subtitles

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting "howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ [muffled] ♪

♪ So come on down to South Park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

Well, you boys must be pretty excited--

Your first night of scouts.

It's gonna suck; there's gonna be

all these new kids there we don't know.

Yeah.

Well, now, that's part of the fun.

Yeah, both Kenny's dad and I were in scouts for years.

Was your dad in scouts, Cartman?

Oh, yeah, you don't have a dad.

[laughter]

That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

Are you excited for your first night of scouts, Timmy?

Yeah, Timmy!

Yeah, he's excited.

Hey, fellas. Hey, Butters.

Boy, am I glad to see you guys.

There's lots of kids here from other schools.

I don't know anybody.

All right, boys, we're gonna head to the bar.

We'll be back to pick you up at 9:00.

You boys just make sure to obey the scout leader, now.

He's the man in charge.

Hello, scouts!

Hey, it's Big Gay Al.

Hello, Stanley.

I was happy to see you and your

little friends' names on the list.

Timmy!

You're the new scout leader?

I just got transferred in.

I think everyone's here now, so we can get started.

Come on, scouts. We've got work to do.

All: Hooray! - See you, Dad.

Hey, are you parents gonna stand there all night?

This meeting is for scouts only, you silly gooses.

Now, before we get started, scouts,

I want to introduce you

to someone very special here tonight.

He's a brave little boy with disabilities

who proves just by being here that scouts are for everyone!

Timmy!

So let's all all give a big round of applause

to little Jimmy.

Well, hello, everyone.

[applause]

J-Jimmy?

Look, I'm not saying the new scout leader's a bad person.

I just don't think he should be a scout leader.

Well, he got to where he is by being a good scout.

Maybe we should just leave him alone.

Well, how gay is he?

He's really, really gay.

Well, then I don't want my boy there, either.

So he's a homosexual. So what?

I have nothing against homosexuals either, Randy,

but the big camping trip is next week.

Are you saying you're fine with this guy camping overnight

alone with our boys?

You know, boys emulate authority figures.

Even if it doesn't turn them gay,

they can end up all talking all femme

and prancing around like girls.

Ah, that's ridiculous.

People, people! Please!

You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice.

As many of you know, I myself went through a homosexual phase.

But the light of Christ showed me how to change.

Just give me two hours with this man,

and I can convert him back.

That's what you said about Peterson,

and then you ended up having sex with him.

- That's right. - You did.

And so that's how to make banana nut muffins.

And now, as a very special treat,

our very special friend Jimmy

is going to do what he loves most:

motivational stand-up comedy.

Let's give him a big hand.

[applause]

Wow, what a great audience.

Well, just in case you were wondering,

I do have a disability:

I am totally happy with the way I was born, very much.

I travel to different states and talk to kids

about being proud of what they are.

My mom says God has a p-plan for everyone.

I guess I was plan "B."

[laughter]

You guys like impersonations?

[applause]

Timmy.

How about Jimmy Stewart?

"Merry Christmas, movie house."

And John Travolta --

"Oh, my God, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kotter, oh, my God. Mr. Kotter."

[laughter]

Jimmy's funny, dude.

Yeah, well,

he's the coolest kid with disabilities in the world.

Hmph!

Uh, Kenny, it's 9:00.

Come on, Stanley.

Oops, guess we're out of time, kids.

Now, remember, tomorrow you all have bake sales

in your respective neighborhoods to raise money.

We'll meet back here next Tuesday

and see who raised the most.

Good luck! - Hey, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we see if Jimmy wants

to come be in our scout club?

Hey, yeah. - Timmy, Timmy.

Hey, Jimmy, you want to come join our bake sale

in South Park tomorrow?

Jeez, sure, that'd be great. Thanks, fellas.

Come on, Stan.

Bye, Big Gay Al. We had a great time.

Yeah, thanks. - Both: Bye, Jimmy!

See you tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas.

You were right, Dad.

Scouts is awesome. - Yeah!

We told ghost stories and learned

how to make a tornado in a glass bottle.

Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins

for our bake sale.

And best of all, we met this kid named Jimmy.

He's disabled but he doesn't let it ruin his life.

He's awesome! - Aah!

Yeah, we're gonna use him

to help raise money at our bake sale.

Cartman, don't say "use him", you big silly goose.

Ah!

What did you say?

I just called Cartman a name.

He's a silly goose.

Uh-huh.

You do not say "big silly goose"!

You call him an asshole like a normal kid.

But, dad, I was just trying to--

Stanley, you call your friend

an asshole this instant!

Asshole?

That's better.

Don't call me asshole, you son of a bitch.

Uh, hello?

We're having a bake sale to raise money

for scout troop number six-nine.

Uh, please stop by and give us a hand.

And now, for your entertainment --

our new best friend, stand-up comic Jimmy!

Wow, what a great audience.

I just flew into South Park. Boy, are my crutches tired.

[laughter]

What a terrific audience.

You know, people sometimes ask me,

"Are you angry at God for making disabled people?"

I say, "no, I think the world is better with President Bush."

[laughter]

What a brave little boy.

He's able to use comedy to overcome his handicap.

I love him!

Timmy.

Well, I sure have met

a lot of interesting people here in South Park.

How about that Eric Cartman kid, huh?

"God damn it. No, kitty, that's my pot pie!

God damn it! God damn it!"

[laughter]

Heh, heh. - I don't sound like that.

And how about that school counselor?

"Drugs are bad. Drugs are bad, okay?

Drugs are bad, okay? Okay?"

Wow, what a great audience.

"Mr. Hat, be quiet, Mr. Hat.

"Mr.--hello, there, children, Mr. Hat.

"Hello, Mr. Hat.

"I'm making salisbury steak for lunch--

salisbury steak for lunch."

"God damn it! God damn it!"

[laughter and applause]

And of course, my very favorite...

"Timmy! Timmy!

I'm living a lie. I'm living a lie, Timmy!"

[laughter]

[groans]

"Timmy, I'm living a lie.

Ah, Timmy!"

Sometimes it's like, "please, Timmy, learn a new word."

"Timmy! Timmy!"

[yells]

Wow, it looks like when it comes to comedy,

I really take the c-c...

I really take the ca...

I really take the ca-cake.

[laughter and applause]

All: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!

Timmy!

Well, this is it.

We've simply gotten too many complaints

from concerned parents about him.

I'm afraid we don't have a choice.

Hiya, fellas!

How are you today, scout?

I'm super. Thanks for asking.

The troops are off having bake sales,

and I'm pleased to report that we have already raised

over $600 for the event.

Yippee!

Uh, Big Gay Al,

It has recently come to our attention that you are... gay.

Well, stop the presses.

You figure that out all by yourself, silly buns?

Yes, well, unfortunately for you,

the scouts have a policy that openly gay men

cannot belong.

We are left with no options, Mr. Al.

I'm afraid you are hereby... out of scouts.

Out of scouts?

We're sorry, Mr. Gay Al.

But I've been in scouts since I was nine.

It's a huge part of my life.

You must understand that scouts is a private club,

a club that follows certain beliefs,

and one of those beliefs is that homosexuality is immoral.

I see.

It's nothing against you personally.

What if I promise not to be gay anymore?

Pinkie swear!

We think it's best you just move on.

Right. Move on.

Oh, hey, Timmy.

I'm glad you called, very much.

I've been detecting some animosity towards me lately,

and I was hoping we could bury the hatchet.

[friendly] Timmy.

What's that?

A-libba-la, Timmy.

A present? You got me a present?

Timmy!

Gee, you didn't have to do that.

I mean, I understand why you'd be jealous of my talents.

If you work at it, maybe you could be

as handi-capable as I am, huh?

Wow, a parka.

You didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim.

Tim, Timmy.

Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits.

This is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim.

Well, I'll see you around.

Timmy!

[horn honks]

[bird screeches]

There he is. Kill him! Kill him!

Oh, wait. That's not him.

[cows mooing]

[loud crash]

Thanks again, Tim-Tim!

[angrily] Tim, Timmy!

[soft piano music]

♪

[sighs]

[sighs] Bye, scouts.

Okay, okay, Mark. Stop playing now.

Hey, don't yell at me.

You asked me to come over and play sad songs

for you to pack to, and then you yell at me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But now I've packed everything away, so just--

well, play something uplifting like--

"I'm gonna put all this behind me

and make it okay" music.

♪ Oh, I don't want her, you can have her ♪

♪ She's too fat for me ♪

Oh, Jesus, Mark.

Parents, this is the new scout leader, Mr. Grazier.

He will be taking over for the homosexual.

Nice to meet you.

Marsh, right? We actually kind of know each other.

Your wife and mine are friends.

Your wife, huh?

Carol is is the head

of a girls' Mountain Scouts troop.

Well, I guess we're off to the bar until 9:00, then.

Gonna go pound some brews, huh?

And so I says to him, "hey, I may be handicapped,

but I'm not deaf."

[laughter]

Wow, what a terrific audience.

Well, for my next joke, I'm gonna need a volunteer

from the audience, very much.

How about you, Timmy? - Timmy.

Sure, come on up here, Tim-Tim.

[laughter]

Timmy, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Let's all give him a hand, very much.

Come to think of it, give him a pair of legs, too.

[laughter]

Here, Timmy. Put on this silly hat.

Just for a second, Timmy.

Don't be a jerk, Timmy.

Hey, don't push me!

Timmy!

Cripple fight!

That is enough, scouts!

Take your seats!

Aww!

All right, scouts.

I am your new scout master, Mr. Grazier.

Together, we are going to become the best, the sleekest,

the most well-polished scout troop in all of Colorado.

Isn't that right?

When I ask you a question,

you will answer, "yes, scout master."

Do I make myself clear?

All: Yes, scout master.

Good.

Now, the first activity for this evening will be...

Naked pictures.

I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked

in case we need them for later.

All: Aww.

Oh, what is this?

If there's one thing I hate, it's a whiny platoon.

"We don't want to do push-ups!

"We don't want to get up early!

We don't want to have you take naked pictures of us!"

Man, this guy sucks.

Now, fall in and strip down, scouts!

All right, scouts.

We're gonna end this meeting

With a little puppet show.

Here's a little scout.

He's always prepared. He's always ready.

Now, here's the little scout telling his parents

that Mr. Grazier took naked pictures of him.

Look what happens.

Oh, no! Oh, oh!

Ohh!

Do I make myself clear, scouts?

All: Yes, scout master!

Oh, hello, parents.

All right, that's all the time we have for tonight, scouts.

We sure had a great time, didn't we?

All: Yes, sir, scout master!

Wow, you sure whipped those kids into shape.

Yeah, now they're acting like men.

Well, you know what I say about kids:

they're all pink on the inside.

You bet. - I heard that.

See you, Mr. Grazier.

[doorbell rings]

Go away. I'm dead.

Oh, well, here he is.

Big Gay Al, what are you doing?

Yeah, get your big gay ass off the couch

and come be our scout master again!

I can't, kids.

I've been kicked out of scouts.

Kicked out? Oh, no.

But you have to come back. We hate our new scout leader.

Really? Why?

We can't tell you.

Why not?

Oh, no, no! Oh, no, no! Oh, no, no!

Please, Big Gay Al, We don't want

to go on a camp trip with this guy next week.

Boys, there's nothing I can do.

The scouts don't allow homosexuals.

Well, then that settles it.

Fellas, what we're gonna have to do

is try to ch-change the scouts' rules, very much.

What do we want? - All: Gays in scouts!

When do we want it? - Timmy!

What do we want? - All: Gays in scouts!

When do we want it? - Timmy!

Oh, no.

What do we want? - All: Gays in scouts!

When do we want it? - Timmy!

Alright, this looks like the perfect place

to get some signatures.

Puppies. Puppies for sale.

Beat it, toots.

We got discrimination work to do.

Alright, let's set up.

Hi, we're here to collect signatures

in support to force the scouts to accept gays.

Uh, hello? Gays in scouts?

God damn it.

Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy

do some stand-up comedy?

Like at our bake sale, very much?

That's a great idea.

Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen--

now for your entertainment, stand-up comic Jimmy!

Wow, what a great audience.

For my first joke, I'm gonna need a volunteer.

Come on up here, Tim-Tim.

Timmy, when I tell you to do something, you do it.

Timmy!

Timmy, don't make me kick your ass.

Timmy! - Put on your hat!

Timmy! - P-put it on!

Dude, this looks like it could get ugly.

Timmy. Timmy.

Not this year.

Timmy, Timmy.

Cripple fight!

Come on. Come on!

Timmy.

[organ playing]

♪

Cripple fight!

[all talking excitedly]

Attention, shoppers--

Outside today, we have cripple fight.

Cripple fight outside.

[all cheering]

[both grunting]

Jesus Christ, dude.

Oh my God!

Just let 'em have it out, Susan.

They'll run out of steam soon.

Hel-lo, Timmy.

Hel-lo, Timmy!

Timmy! - No!

[grunts] [groans]

[both grunting]

Timmy?

Timmy...

I told you, put on the hat!

You dirty motherfucker.

What's going on?

Some kind of gay pride rally.

[both grunting]

[crunch]

[screaming]

[both yelling]

[groaning]

Timmy!

Tom, I'm standing out front of Henry's Supermarket,

where five brave little boys are holding a rally

to support gays in scouting.

The rally is drawing so much attention

that people from all over the country

are taking media notice.

Those boys have shown me the light.

I never knew the Mountain Scouts was a hate group.

This is a wake-up call to America.

We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore.

Oh, God, they're actually pulling it off.

The rally has also caught the attention

of old scouts members like Steven Spielberg,

director of such films as Always and 1941.

I salute those boys and their courage.

I am hereby cutting all my funding to the scouts.

The rally has also caught the attention

of high-power lawyer Gloria Allred.

It is a disgrace that these homophobes

are allowed to discriminate!

I am taking this case on personally!

With this kind of support, Tom,

these boys are sure to have a victory for gays.

Back to you.

Thanks, Chris.

In other news, the FBI has finally caught

the child molester known as Mr. Slippy Fist.

The sick child molester was found

with disturbing, graphic photos of young boys naked,

which we will show you now.

[TV] "Here's one. And here's another.

Eddie? - Oh, my God.

[TV] "Here, look at this one. Sick son of a bitch.

There's one right here."

[both yelling]

Oh, yeah!

[groans]

[both grunting]

[choking]

Timmy!

All right, boys. Break it up.

All rise.

In the case of Big Gay Al vs. Mountain Scouts of America,

due to the overwhelming show of support,

it is the ruling of this court that the scouts must allow

Big Gay Al and all gays into their club.

Alright! [people cheering]

Well, we've all learned an important lesson,

That just because somebody's gay

doesn't mean they're gonna molest children.

Straight people do that, too.

[people cheering]

And furthermore, the scout elders

will be put into stocks for three days

so they can see how it feels to be outcasts.

[people cheering]

We did it! We did it!

I did it! I did it! Ha-ha!

[reporters speaking simultaneously]

Today is a great day for democracy.

The scouts have been exposed

for the vile gay bashers they are!

And we owe it all to me,

and these six brave little boys.

[bird screeches]

Five brave little boys.

And now, here to take his official oath

back into scouts, is Big Gay Al.

Thank you all very much.

But I don't want this.

What'd he say? - Huh?

Look, I appreciate what you kids did.

I really do.

But this isn't what I wanted.

I'm proud to be gay.

And I'm proud to be in a country

where I'm free to express myself.

But freedom is a two-way street.

If I'm free to express myself,

then the scouts have to be free to express themselves, too.

I know these men.

They are good men. They are kind men.

They do what they think is best for kids.

No matter how wrong we think they might be,

it isn't right for us to force them to think our way.

It's up to us to persuade and help them see the light,

not extort them to.

Please, don't cut the scouts' funding.

The scouts help and have always helped a lot of kids.

That's why I love them.

I will continue to persuade them to change their minds,

but this is the wrong way to do it.

So I am hereby dropping my case

and allowing the scouts their right

to not allow gays into their private club.

Uh...

Hooray! - Hooray!

So wait. Did we do good?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, we kick ass.

Come on, kids. Let's go get some ice cream.

You can't do this! You homophobe!

Well, Timmy, I guess we learned

an important lesson too, very much.

There is room for more than one

handi-capable person in scouts.

Timmy.

I'm glad we're best friends now.

See you at scouts. - Timmy.

[to the tune of Old Macdonald] ♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

Ahh!

Dude, Timmy, come on.

We're gonna be late for scouts.

Alright, boys. I am your new scout leader.

Everything is going to be just fine.

No naked pictures.

Uh, Timmy?

Yes, Timmy?

Oh, dear.

Jimmy? - Yes?

You know our policy.

I'm afraid you're out of scouts.

Out of scouts?

Timmy.

What?

Hey, wait a minute. This is crazy.

You can't do this.

Wow, I never knew Jimmy was gay.

Me, neither.

No! No!

Timmy!