Original subtitles

Uh… Ah!

Who wants more huevos rancheros?

Argh.

Really? No! No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, come on! No way.

No.

Parker, hurry up in there!

Don't use all the mouthwash! I forgot to gargle.

High school elections, what a load!

So many promises,

so many slogans,

so many teeth.

Every semester, it's the same thing.

A pagan ritual zaps the hot button of junior political zealots.

You know, those Ernie geeks who C-SPAN every night instead of MTV

and hope against hope to be a future congressman or senator.

It's the dawn of the new relevancy,

but only if we embrace our tomorrows.

Take Becky Grant,

for her, the race for junior class president is a holy quest.

…the vision to see it and greet it.

I actually sent Becky a love note in the 4th grade.

She said she was saving herself for Tom Brokaw (TV news broadcaster).

I say, apathy is the Orwellian prologue,

and we all know what that means.

For entertainment, there's Conrad Fleck.

Candidate by desire, doofus by destiny.

Hi, Conrad Fleck for…

My fault, sorry. -

Who runs in these stupid elections? Give it up now

for your next junior class president…

Parker Lewis!

Hey, don't look at me. I don't even know what channel C-SPAN is on.

I'm just running to keep our principal under control.

Well, Park, you like 'em?

Coolness.

Mr. Lewis, I mean, Mr. President. Mr. Randall. Sirs!

Jerry, I haven't won yet.

Results of my morning poll may interest you.

Walk with me, talk with me.

Responding to the question,

"If the election were held today, who would get your vote?"

Fifty-one percent said you, a mere 30% said Becky Grant.

Point 000% said Conrad Fleck,

and the remaining 19% was split between undecided

and those favoring Johnny Depp.

It's not a perfect sample.

By next period, I'll have the results cross-indexed

by sex, homeroom and favorite cafeteria table, sir.

It's no problem, really. I'll just skip my mid-term.

All this, and he's housebroken too.

Autograph my poster, Parker?

Sure.

Like those buttons.

Frank Lemmer, the principal's flunky.

They're running a picture of his spine on milk cartons.

So,

campaigning after the passing period, eh, Lewis?

Hey, Lemmer!

Better hide! I heard they're spraying for cockroaches!

I guess we told him.

It's bad enough we get hauled into the principal's office,

now we have to age prematurely listening to this muzak.

Grace Musso,

more than a principal, a psychopath with tenure.

Campaigning after the late bell.

- No, Miss Musso, we were… - Do you know what happens

when candidates violate the rules of campaigning,

thumb their noses at regulations, consider themselves

above the law?

They get elected to second terms?

I did not invite you in here to make fun of me!

Will that be all then?

I want you to know I've got your number, Lewis.

I know why you're in this election!

For one reason, and one reason alone.

To get in office and exploit the many favors that fall to student officers,

but it won't work!

It won't! It won't! It won't!

But, Miss Musso, our poster says he's a lock to win it.

Silence!

Oh, I can tolerate a lot of things on this campus.

The smoking in the girls' room, the fist fights,

the way the boys on the basketball team always leering at me.

But the last thing I want is Parker Lewis to be the next junior class president!

As if I needed more motivation.

I'm prepared to bribe you to drop out if that's what it takes.

The candidate doesn't want the perks of office!

The candidate doesn't need favors!

The candidate is running

because prior student governments were mere puppets,

rubber stamps of the school administration.

The candidate is only running to restore independence

and high moral character to the office.

That's sick!

There he is! I got him!

Coolness.

Smile!

I begin to sense momentum.

My latest poll has Becky Grant down two points,

both of which, I'm happy to say, you've picked up, sir.

Friday, if you want, the drill team will spell out

"E Pluribus Parker" at half-time.

We're already ahead. Let's not run Becky into the ground.

Since when did you catch a fever for Becky Grant?

I don't have a fever for Becky Grant.

Hope she's not too bummed about all this.

Mental note, find key staff position for her.

What about Conrad Fleck?

Vote for Fleck. Conrad Fleck for president.

Vote for…

So much for the Fleck factor.

Get your Parker Lewis buttons here!

Shelly, helping?

You get your choice. "Parker Lewis stinks", "Parker Lewis reeks",

"Parker Lewis is the lapdog stooge of the administration."

Mikey, up for a little pest control?

Not a problem!

Ahhh!

Shall we?

I gotta get more peas.

Okay.

A vote for Grant is a vote for democracy.

Who says the student council has to be a puppet of the administration?

Who says we have to settle for mediocrity?

A strange feeling is sweeping over me.

I'm not proud of it, I'm not happy about it, but it's there.

Vote for Grant.

It's respect.

Over the years, the Parker-cam had been many places.

Classrooms, closets, locker rooms.

Now, it was boldly going where no Parker-cam had gone before.

How dare you guys bug Becky's campaign meeting?

How can you invade her privacy like this?

I won't have anything to do with it!

Hey, she's talkin' about you!

Crank it up!

How can you say Parker Lewis is going to win? He can't!

I'm just as good as he is, if not better.

All he is is a master of self-promotion.

I think I've heard enough.

No. Shh! Wait.

Becky, I'm sorry, but the election's Monday

and he keeps pulling ahead. He's unstoppable!

Ha!

Did you hear that, Park, "unstoppable"? Unstoppable!

Excellent, sir.

Okay, guys.

I guess I can let your sister out now, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

I'll help you, Mr. Randall. That dumpster lid's pretty heavy.

I should have known not to get my hopes up for a stupid election.

Becky, you did great!

Besides, we know how hard it is to campaign around your job and all your volunteer work.

Busy girl. I wonder if she has time for dating.

You wanna know what really hurts?

Getting done in by some glad-hander running a popularity contest.

Mental note. Dating question, now moot.

Just remind me this next time I say I wanna make a difference,

so I'll know not to bother.

Oh, great! Doesn't this make me feel wonderful?

This terrific girl gets her whole sense of higher purpose punctured, and I'm to blame.

The way I see it, this cuts one of two ways.

If she wins this election,

it would be just the start of a brilliant career in public service for Becky.

Congress, the Senate, maybe the Supreme Court.

And if she loses… -

The answer is clear.

I have to do the unthinkable.

I have to lose this election.

I made my decision and it feels good.

Truth was, Becky Grant needed to win this election,

I only wanted it.

And if student government needed somebody to stand up to Musso,

Becky could handle that.

And look mighty fine doing it.

Time to share the news with my campaign staff.

I can't wait to see their faces.

What will me being class president give us that we don't already have?

Access to the roof,

unlimited hall passes,

cheerleaders who find us irresistible?

If anything, we'll have a better time!

And why?

Because Miss Musso will have her hands so full with Becky Grant,

she won't have time to hassle with us!

Now the trick would be to lose without Becky knowing we threw it.

We had to conduct a covert action. Yes, a guerilla war.

We'd sabotage our own campaign.

We spent all night tearing down my posters,

a surefire deathblow to my campaign.

This is major coolness, guys.

I tell you, Park, there's something not right

about tearing down posters in the middle of the night.

It's sneaky, underhanded.

We should be doing it to them.

Mr. Randall's right, sir.

Abetting in your political suicide flies in the face of my entire belief system.

But I want you to.

You think we got 'em all?

Maybe my ingenious plan is going to work after all.

Parker, it's horrible!

Maybe not.

We found these in the recycling bin.

Smells like Musso's work to me!

Or maybe it's that dude Lemmer.

Or that Becky Grant!

Well, whoever it was,

we're not gonna let 'em rip off this election from Parker Lewis, are we?

No!

What? Was It's a Wonderful Life on cable last night?

Whatever happened to apathy.

Give me the students that don't care.

I wanted my campaign to lose steam, instead…

You're up five percent in the poll, sir.

This isn't working. I need negative impact, and quick.

If you want my opinion,

I think that this school would be a whole lot better

if it weren't for those lazy, lard-butt losers that we call a football team!

Huh?

So much for Flamingo Defamation Plan B.

Hey, Park, lighten up.

It's not over until the fat lady sings.

Oh, good idea. I'll get Roseanne Barr

to sing at my campaign rally and lose for sure.

You know, I was thinkin'

if you really wanted to change votes,

what would it take?

- Yeah? - Well…

You know, those Depeche Mode tickets you're selling.

It might be able to be swapped for a vote or two.

And then they said

if I tried to bribe anyone else to vote against you,

they would solder my mouth shut.

Boy, that is one tough chess club!

Who says we have to take comfort in mediocrity?

Isn't it time we broke free from the servile mentality?

She doesn't give up, does she, sir?

No, she doesn't.

And seeing her courage to press on

makes my adrenaline flow, my heart race,

or is it just seeing her?

Well, she ought to just pull the plug.

She's not match even when you try to lose.

And you tried everything.

Have I?

I want a debate.

I promise to work hard every day after school.

- I promise to work after school, too… - Parker! Parker!

…on my tan.

I would, uh, just like to say that

if you…

If elected,

I would form a student cafeteria-menu committee.

- If I win… - Parker! Parker!

I'm going to be late and lazy.

Elect me…

Your, uh…

My task would be to gain your…

Parker! Parker!

…trust.

I'm not gonna do anything.

Parker! Parker!

You're crazy if you vote for me.

Memo to Dukakis. Next time, try to lose.

What now, Parker? Come to gloat?

Gloat?

No way. I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Just what are you up to?

I'm…

I'm trying to tell you that

I really

am sorry about what happened at the debate.

Good. She'll listen to reason.

What I'm saying is

I like you

and although we are opponents in this campaign,

I really,

really want you to win.

She's putty in my hands.

Don't insult my intelligence.

She's out of here.

No, I'm not gonna read you any speech,

but I am gonna tell you a story.

Well, Park, honey, why don't you just drop out of the race?

It wouldn't do any good, Mom!

Jerry's latest poll said…

If you took yourself off the ballot, you'd still win on write-ins.

In fact, sir, according to those responding,

if you were arrested for stealing from an orphanage,

got sentenced to prison without chance of parole,

and got killed while trying to escape,

you'd still win by 17.8 percent.

Mental note. Jerry needs a woman.

It's all manure.

Oh, come on. You were the one who led

the voter registration drive in college.

Well, I believed in that Gene McCartney guy.

McCarthy, dear!

Asking my parents for political advice

is like checking for a gas leak with a match.

You find what you're looking for, but you're lucky to get out alive.

But I'm not leaving anything to luck.

It's election day, and I'm gonna lose the old-fashioned way.

Bribery.

- How many so far? - Uh, 16 voters.

Everyone else on the nurse's office list is scheduled for surgery.

Oh? They don't like CDs?

Thanks for coming in and vote for Becky today. Here's your CD.

Aerosmith? Cool!

Face it, Park, you're the next class president whether you like it or not.

If you wanna blow this kind of momentum, it would take an act so ugly,

more heinous than this school has ever seen!

Forget heinous! It'd have to be an atrocity!

Atrocity coming right up.

The last thing… The last thing I want… I want…

A video nip here, an audio tuck there.

I wonder if this is how Spike Lee got started.

For Parker Lewis to be the next junior class pres…

Hey, Park,

lighten up, huh? You're gonna give me nightmares.

Jerry, set up the tape deck.

How much longer till the election assembly?

About 20 minutes.

Hey, Park, what are you up to?

Gentlemen, synchronize Swatches!

It's Operation Parker-gate!

Next, I'd like to recognize…

all of the fine young

students who have worked so hard…

I'm gonna stand right up here till you stop!

That's better.

This is not a Banana Republic!

Now,

before you go, cast your votes,

I'd like you to give a round of applause

for all of the candidates gathered here today.

Parker! Parker! Parker!

Remember, your vote is important.

All students should enter and exit the polling place

in an orderly fashion.

- Five. - Four.

- Three. - Two.

One.

Now!

I want Parker Lewis

to be the next junior class president!

I want Parker Lewis to be the next junior class president!

I want Parker Lewis…

Look bewildered now, Parker. Think Reagan. Reagan!

I want Parker Lewis

to be the next junior class president!

I want Parker Lewis to be the next junior class…

Coolness, Park. Coolness as far as the eye can see.

Nobody can bang the brakes like you did.

Sir, it's one for the books.

The biggest voter turnout in history,

all just to banish you from office.

I'm touched.

According to the final count,

you came in dead last.

Becky Grant beat you,

Conrad Fleck beat you.

Fleck beat me?

I came in third to the fountain of goof?

No, Johnny Depp beat you, too.

So did Bart Simpson.

And the two write-ins for

that genie on Pee-wee's Playhouse.

Exactly how many votes did I get?

Vote, sir.

- Vote. - Lewis.

I'm so sorry about your humiliating defeat.

My sincerest condolences.

As for that phantom endorsement,

I have no idea how that happened.

Solar flare maybe.

It's against my policy to endorse candidates.

It might have a subtle effect on the outcome.

Yes, and Hurricane Hugo had a subtle effect on beach parties.

One vote.

One lousy vote.

Sure I feel good about losing so Becky could win,

but one vote?

I wonder, did I get caught up in the trap of peer validation?

Did I want too much by wanting it both ways?

Did Johnny Depp use gel of mousse?

I had done the right thing, and I feel good,

but I want to feel better.

I mean, where's the reward?

Well, that was some campaign, Parker.

Hope you don't mind,

I voted for you.

You?

Why?

For sending all your votes my way.

- But… - Don't bother explaining.

I know what you're capable of, Parker Lewis.

Not a problem.

Well, listen,

if there's anything you ever need…

I mean, anything I can do for you.

Well,

how would you feel about, maybe,

going out with a loser?

Not a problem.

Parker, where's the toothpaste?

You're welcome.

What?

Haven't you ever seen anybody brush their teeth before?

Mom!

Not a problem.

Mr. Lewis.

Mr. Randall.

Mr. Phillips!

Hello!