All language subtitles for Me.And.My.Penis.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(gentle music)

- My knob.

- Uh.

- Doesn't have a name.
- Could be cock.

- Cock.
- Cock.

- Cock.

- Can't remember what
I call him on Grindr.

- Probably penis, maybe dick.

- Probably just dick.

- My dick.
- My dick.

- Dick.
- Dick.

- Dick.
- It's mainly dick.

- The one that weirds
me out the most is willy

over the age of childhood.

- There's not many hot
sexy words for penis.

(rock music)

(gentle music)
(water bubbling)

- See, you've got this
squishy piece of meat

between your legs, and it's
the center of pleasure,

and it's this symbol
of masculinity

and of who you are as a man.

There's all these attachments
of power, of insecurity,

and it's physically right
at the center of you,

and in so many ways at the
center of who you are as a man.

It's a lot for this
little squishy thing.

Or for this squishy
thing. (laughing)

- Every penis is different.

And not all penises
are straight.

Some of them bend, some
of them tilt upwards.

Some of them are kind
of thick at one end.

Like, they're all
very different.

- It's quite fun to kind of
make it do the helicopter thing.

I've yet to take off, but, it
kind of... (tongue clicking)

(water dripping)

- [Participant] Having a knob,
at times, can be annoying.

- [Participant] I'm
always crossing my legs,

'cause it's comfortable.

I always think where
do I put my dick?

Should I put it underneath
or do I put it on top?

- [Participant] I find that
it's got a mind of its own.

It'll be awake when I'm tired.

It'll be awake all
the time, actually.

- I actually think
that my dick is boss.

You know, days where I
need to get stuff done,

and I'm just like so
horny I can't concentrate,

I actually think my
dick is in control.

(gentle music)

- [Ajamu] My name's
Ajamu, and I'm an artist.

I grew up in Huddersfield,
surrounded by a macho culture.

I was all set for a
career in the army,

but by 21 I had other plans.

I became passionate
about photography,

and that was my way out.

I wanted to fuck with the rules

and create images of men
I hadn't seen before.

(gentle music)

20 years ago, the police
stopped this image

from being shown in
a public gallery.

It was considered too explicit.

And I don't think we've
moved on enough since then.

Penises are still taboo,

and I want to change that.

Hold it right there.

Do not move.

Just close your eyes
for me in this one.

in this film man will talk
openly about their penises

and how it makes me
feel about being a man.

And I will be
photographing some of them

as they confront
their own masculinity.

(participant yelling)

Through the portraits
I will make,

I want them to rethink the way

they see their penises
and themselves.

- It feels powerful to be
stood here, nude, naked,

and I'm owning it.

- [Ajamu] And
challenge the taboo

we still feel around the beauty
and power of the erection.

(water splashing)

- I don't think there's
a bloke out there

who hasn't sneaked a look.

But you can't ever
be caught lookin'.

That's not good, that.

- Everyone can see what's
going on down there,

even if you don't directly look.

I think boys are
obsessed about size

and who's got the biggest penis.

(gentle music)

- [Participant] I don't
know if you can ever

be actually truly happy
with the size of your dick.

I always felt like you want
it to be a little bit bigger.

- I used to worry about
it when I was a teenager,

'cause you just, everyone lies
about the size of their dick.

I'd be like maybe mine's tiny.

Oh my god.

- [Participant] I
think it's difficult

if you're a straight man

when you only ever see other
people's flaccid penises,

because that's not when
everyone's at their best.

And actually even when
it's sort of flaccid,

it can sometimes be a
bit smaller or larger,

depending, I suppose, on
maybe atmospheric pressure

or just vibes.

- It's weird how weird
we are about them.

'Cause, you know, you can't
get mad about your nose.

'Cause I think there's so much

of our self-worth is
based around that.

Like if somebody's
acting out you'd be like,

"Oh, he's got a tiny penis."

It's like has he?

Or is he just a a dickhead?

- At school some people
would get bullied for,

"Oh, he's got a little
dick, or he's got small..."

Even if no one had seen it,

it was just a really powerful
way of emasculating someone.

I think you then carry
that into your adulthood,

and you're still weighing
yourself up against people

for ridiculous reasons.

- I can't understand people

who aren't fine about
the size of their penis,

for god's sake.

I was born with a
penis, and that's it.

I'm done.

(gentle music)

- [Participant] I think the
first time I masturbated,

I was probably around
the age of about eight.

- I was 10, 10.
- 11, 12.

- I reckon I were about 15.
- 11 or so.

- [Participant] I
was three years old,

three years old,
three years old.

Obviously not much happened.

- I found some pornography that,

I don't know whose it was,
it was stashed in a bush,

and in my head I
remember it being French.

I don't know how
French pornography's
ended up in a town,

a park bush in Telford, but,

and it was a brunette woman
and she was sitting on a dildo.

And that was like a go-to
thing for for years.

It's like imprinted
into my mind's eye now.

- I remember it very
well, 'cause I drew blood.

- I kinda hit it. (laughing)

And I just kinda
hit it side to side,

and then something, it felt
really nice after a while,

and I thought that's how
you did it for so long.

- I came for the first time,
although nothing came out,

and I actually thought my dick
was like on fire or burning.

And I remember running
out of my bedroom

and running down the hall
and running into the bathroom

with my dick hanging out,

and like putting it in the sink

and running a cold
tap on it. (laughing)

- [Participant] I just
remember this experience

of this adrenaline just
pumping around my body,

and I couldn't get enough of it.

- [Participant] It sent
tingles from my body,

and right down my
legs and everything.

And I thought-
- I remember

talking to a friend
and just going,

"If everybody masturbates,

"why don't we just
talk about it?"

And he went, "Shh,
don't say that."

- [Participant] I got
really into it for a while,

like way too into it.

Like I must have wanked-

- [Participant] Like nothing
else enters your mind.

- I didn't stop at one.

I think I did it
a few times, so.

- That's like double
check, triple check

that it weren't a
fucking one off.

- Grew up in quite a
religious household.

I first masturbated
probably when I

was about maybe 11 or so.

And for years
masturbation for me felt

like something that was wrong.

- I grew up in quite
conservative Muslim
family in Bradford.

We went on pilgrimage,

and we were taken to mosque
to learn to read Arabic

and learn to read the Quran.

That's shaped so
much of who I am now

and how I live my
day-to-day life.

Within my family, sex
just did not exist.

The closest I ever had was
like the small like handbook

I got given by my mum.

It was like "A Young
Muslim's Guide to Puberty"

or something.

And in there it was like

something about masturbation
and going to hell.

So obviously when
I was 13, 14, 15,

and super randy,
that became an issue.

So to stop myself from
ejaculating, which would,

in my mind, kind of
complete the wank

and make it then like
a full blown sin,

I'd grip my penis really hard

or just physically try and
stop myself from ejaculating,

which led to kind of physical
scarring, physical damage.

I have a lot of negative
associations with it now.

So it's a tricky thing.

Which should just
be pleasurable,

which should just be so simple.

And then sometimes
there's still that guilt,

or sometimes I hate
how my dick looks

or I don't wanna like touch it,

or I don't like any of this.

So, to masturbate would be
to engage with that stuff.

(gentle rhythmic music)

- How you feeling?
- It's all laid bare,

isn't it?

There's nothing I
can hide behind,

no clothes, no airs and graces.

It's just me and my body.

(gentle rhythmic music)

- Bring this hand.

Keep that there.

Bring this hand around your
face that way, right yeah.

And then this pose comes out
of like kind of Greek bodies.

So then what you're doing
now is to quell that thing-

- Yeah.
- That you're used to.

Yeah?
- Mm-hm.

- Now will you turn your
face back that way again.

That's it.
- I'm half voguing,

half, okay, got it.

(Ajamu snapping)

- Go honey. (laughing)

Yeah, that's it.

So then this is where
we're gonna start

playing around now, right, yeah?

And look straight
towards my camera.

Beautiful.

(gentle rhythmic music)

(camera beeping)

Beautiful.
- Feeling strangely

quite powerful, like it's weird,

it's nice.

- Weird and nice is a good mix.

- (laughing) Gosh, it's my body.

That's me, naked, ah.
- That's your body.

(Ajamu laughing)

- My biggest fear is my body
and how I feel about it,

and here I am very
naked in front of-

(camera beeping)
People.

(participant laughing)

It doesn't get much
scarier for me.

(gentle music)

- [Ajamu] I take
portraits of dicks,

because dicks have their
own stories to tell,

but are still censored.

Lots of countries actually
celebrate the penis

in terms of its
fertility, aliveness.

And in this country the dick
is still seen as pornographic,

and my work is there to reclaim
the dick from that space.

By keeping the
erection so taboo,

we don't allow men
to be vulnerable.

- I personally think it's
really important for us to like

just see more erect
penises in our lives.

Not for a sex thing.

Just to normalize 'em,

to make them less panicky.

Because, I think if you're a
straight man, specifically,

you don't see enough of them.

- Hold it right there.

- [Participant] I don't
know why in society

we've seemed to have
shamed the erection.

It doesn't make
much sense to me.

We're prudes, I
think, in Britain,

- Right there.
- Without an erect penis

we wouldn't have life,

so there is a
certain power to it,

but it's a power that isn't
just like a physical power.

It's also, it's all connected.

It's strong.

It is being masculine.

(camera beeping)
- Sit pose

and throw your
head back slightly.

- It's their physical
manifestation,

they're quite aggressive,
'cause like they're big

and they're hard
and they're angry.

But I think it's also sort of
tied between the sexual act

in that that becomes
quite aggressive,

and it can be

kind of physically intimidating.

- How are you feeling?
- Serene. (laughing)

I think hiding the male erection

and making it this taboo
thing gives it more power

than maybe it deserves,

because it's pretty ordinary
(laughing) actually.

(jazzy music)

- I'm really excited about
doing this next shot.

The idea is around naturalness
of fertility, flower, fauna.

A dick is kind of a
central part of nature.

- Yeah, I think it
removes all the kind of

cosmetic attachments
we have to the penis

and brings it back to the organ.

So yeah, I think it's
a, a beautiful way

to frame it.
(both laughing)

The reason I wanted to
do this shoot, actually,

was because I don't
want there to be a taboo

around the erection.

It's something that
we all experience.

And so for me to
openly explore that,

in an artistic way
as well, is amazing.

- A flaccid willy is a bit
of a ball-ache, to be honest.

But as for when it's
hard, fucking hell,
sometimes it hurts.

- I know from a biological
point of view it's blood flow

and it's two chambers
filling with a lot of blood,

so then whenever...

I remember learning
that thinking,

am I gonna get lightheaded?

What's gonna happen?

- I can definitely have an
erection when it's not sexual.

I can wake up in the morning,

and it's like
bang, it's up, and,

I don't particularly
feel sexual.

- [Participant] It's
a sign of good health.

It means your blood's
flowing around your body,

waking you up.

That's what...

That's the reality
of being a man.

You just wake up every
day with a hard on.

- I think the most awkward
ones for me are kind of

would happen when I'm driving.

I don't know if it's like
the rumble of the road

on the kind of, (clapping)
you know, your balls

as you're hitting the,
as you're on the seat.

- And you sort of go,
how did that speed bump

give me an erection?

- [Participant] I used to always
get one in geography class.

There's nothing to
do with geography.

- A lot of it is mental.

I could see a text come
through from a client

who I'm really attracted to,

my dick would
instantly get hard.

- For me personally, if
I'm walking down the street

and suddenly I get a boner,
I just go, I feel good.

I'm charged.

I've got some
sexual energy there.

I'm not trying to
force this on anyone.

I'm not trying to
show it to anyone.

So yeah, there's a level
of sort of pride, really,

to have that organ wake up.

(water splashing)

- It's like another bit of
your body all of a sudden.

See it's a hard thing, you know,

just like-
- Physically I

become very hot.

My body-
- It's thrilling.

You know, it feels good.

You start to release these
endorphins in your brain.

- [Participant] It's
going into your loins,

and you can't concentrate.

- [Participant]
(indistinct) Like a tingle.

- [Participant] There's
this rush of blood,

that's what it seems-
- It's not itchy.

(indistinct)

- [Participant] It's pretty
much all you can think about.

- [Participant] And
you go into more of

an animalistic state of mind.

(indistinct)

- [Participant] Release
a little bit of-

(indistinct)

- [Participant] Driving.

(indistinct)

- [Participant] Yeah,
it's like another limb.

(man moaning)

- And then you need to
do something about it.

(gentle music)

- Some of my most embarrassing
moments in my life

would be times when it's
failed me. (laughing)

This is a thing that
I want to be proud of,

that I wanna use properly,

that I want to
pleasure a woman with,

and sometimes that
pressure has meant

I haven't been able
to get a boner,

and instantly then you're
in this psychological battle

where you think, she's gonna
feel bad about herself,

at the same time I'm
feeling bad about myself.

And if that happens once,
it can happen twice,

it can turn into
like this cycle.

So, if you put too much
pressure on yourself,

if you think this thing
is always gonna bring you

glory and joy and ecstasy,

then you will mess yourself up
for future sexual encounters.

- Being a man, sex
is talked about

as if you're some
kind of porn star.

(gentle music)

You're never kinda like,

oh gave her the best 10
seconds of her life type thing.

That's never, you know,
talked about, you know?

She was so gorgeous,

and it was such a hot situation
that I lasted seconds.

I've never ever met a
bloke who's said that,

but I know it's happened
to me. (laughing)

- When you're penetrating,

it's like entering the
most warm, cuddly space.

It's just all encompassing

and it takes over your
whole mind and body.

So it's not just your penis
sliding inside a very nice,

moist, wet, tight sort of...

It's a great feeling,

but also that flows
through your whole body

and through your
brain, and it's,

your endorphins are going ding,

and everything's going ding.

It's a real button
presser, frankly.

- When I first started having
sex men, I was a bottom.

'Cause that's sort
of where you end up,

because there is a
weird masculinity
element towards that.

And so because I was
having sex with men

who were teaching me,

I'd go on bottom and
that's how it worked.

So to be penetrated, that was,

it felt great and
it was amazing.

And having sex with a man in
the first place was incredible.

The first time I topped,

I was terrified,

absolutely terrified because
I had no idea what I was doing

and I didn't know if
I would do it right.

And I was taking on
a lot of the control,

and I was becoming
what would be seen as

the more kind of masculine role,

and I didn't feel like
I could live up to it.

It turns out I'm
pretty good, but,

at that point it was terrifying.

(water dripping)

- There's lots of theories
about where we come from,

I mean how we're created.

But essentially
there's one thing

that's vital in that,
and that's sperm.

- It does start with
the sperm, obviously.

- I never think about
being able to use my sperm

for anything other
than cleaning up later.

- I don't think
anything towards sperm.

Just get it off me.

That's it.

- It's easier for men to
disconnect from the idea

that sperm has a value,

because we produce
millions of them,

and we can quite
literally toss them away.

- When you look at cum
when you're younger,

you don't necessarily
acknowledge

that it's a reproductive tool.

But as you get older, you know,

if you're firing
on all cylinders,

and you cum and then you know
that there's sperm in there,

and it could
potentially, you know,

lead to you having a child,

it does give you that
sense of being a man.

- After we'd got
married and we decided

that we wanted to try having
kids, which was brilliant,

'cause we had a lot of sex, but
we weren't getting pregnant.

And I was like, "Well let's
go and talk to the doctor."

And I got the phone call on the
drive back to where we live,

and he said, "Yeah, there's
no sperm at all in the sample,

"and so that means that
you won't be able to

"conceive your own child."

Which broke me, to be
honest, completely.

And still does.

It's indescribable, the pain,

because, I can't imagine what
it's like to lose a child.

But I know what it's like to
lose a child you've never had.

I lost probably 18 months
of my life to depression.

So we had to find a way forward,

and for us that
was sperm donation.

I remember sitting on
the train, going to work,

looking around and thinking,

one of these guys on this
train could be the sperm donor.

And I really
struggled with that.

I really struggled
with this idea of that,

of like how will I ever
bond with that child?

We got pregnant the
first time we went in,

which was kind of a miracle,

after everything
we'd been through.

It was just like,

we believed it, but we
didn't entirely believe it.

But it was just wonderful.

It was such a turning
point in our lives

that I never ever
thought I'd get to,

if I'm completely honest.

And then our son was born,

and when he was brought out
to me and I hugged him...

(participant sharply exhaling)

It was everything,
absolutely everything.

I love him so much.

Nothing will compare
to having a child.

(gentle music)

- I grew up in Sheffield,

and it's an area that's
well known for straightness,

is if there's a problem,

people will go outside the
pub and they'll sort it out.

Violence brings a rush
inside of me, but,

it's like doing a bungee jump.

It's like jumping outta a plane.

It's an ultimate
adrenaline rush.

And on this one
particular night,

I went out on a night out,

and I ended up
hitting a doorman,

and I got 21 months for that.

(gentle music)

During sex, I often feel wrong,

because my first experience
having sex was rape.

I were 10.

So it's hard for me to
like, to separate the two.

The 10-year-old me
dealt with it silently.

I wore a mask.

I were lost.

I felt as though I couldn't
talk to anyone about this.

And then as I got
a bit older, like,

I started questioning
myself like, am I gay?

Does this mean I'm gay
because I've been with a boy?

And it confused life outta me.

Then the shame had set
in, the guilt had set in.

It affected my
confidence in a way

that it were like
reverse psychology.

I had to then prove,

I felt so shallow
and so small inside,

that I'd do anything to prove
to anyone I am a big man.

I am a man.

I used jail for what it was.

It were a long, big,
long look in the mirror.

It were just me facing myself.

I could no longer run away
from what's happened to me.

I speak out openly now
about the sexual abuse

and the rape I
sustained as a child,

and I can use my energy
in a different way.

I can channel my
energy in a much more

positive and influential way.

And I'd say now,

I've done something what
not many men can face.

I've digged deep within myself,

I've faced all my fears,

and I'm as masculine
as I've ever been.

(gentle rhythmic music)

- I've always photographed
men's bodies in black and white.

As men, we are often defined
in black and white terms.

And what really interests me
are the shades in between.

My work plays around with
the idea of what men are

and who we are allowed to be.

(gentle music)

So then, I'm gonna ask you
to take off this for me.

- Okay.
- And then

I will then put this on for you.

How you feeling?
- Yeah, I'm good man.

- Yeah,
- I'm naked, but it's fine.

- So basically the
idea I'm working with

is I'm to use the shirt as a
analogy for a straight jacket.

- Okay.
- How we could be trapped

in terms of notions of kind of

identity and masculinity
- Identity.

- How does that feel?

- Yeah, that's fine.

You know, it's not
normally the way I do it,

but it's cool.

- [Ajamu] You might wanna try

and just bring your
hands up a bit more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay.
- As to push out slightly.

It's gonna be awkward.
- Yeah, it is awkward.

- [Ajamu] That's what I
want, is the awkwardness.

And your veins look beautiful.

- My what?
- Your veins on here.

- Oh Christ, rages,
I'm popping out.

Okay, so beside all that,
just a really normal buzz.

- Yeah.
- I get it, I get it.

- Yeah, so, yes, this
is about tension.

(camera beeping)

Right, can you just now
turn around and face me now?

And then just do that
pushing out again.

Just push.

Yeah, nice.

Nice.

(camera beeping)
Beautiful.

I really like the
shot, actually.

So basically what we're
capturing is the tension,

and then there's tension
within your hands as well.

- Okay, got it.
- Right, yeah?

Right, right.

Can I have you
just turn your face

directly towards the
backdrop and stay like that?

Yep.

- I suppose to a certain
extent masculinity

could be seen as being like a
metaphorical straight jacket.

When you're tied into
a way of behaving

and thinking on a very
one-dimensional level,

I see it as a challenge
to break out of that,

and to mold it to yourself.

- [Ajamu] Beautiful.

(camera beeping)

- We've been very
much in a man's world,

things are changing.

I think it's a great thing.

And, you know, men have to

maybe redefine themselves
a bit away from this

sort of very passe, cliche.

I was born in the 60s, you know?

I went to school in the 70s,

and attitudes have
changed a lot.

So, I effectively had to
re-look at my education

and chuck out the
bits that don't apply.

And there's a lot of
it, a lot of crap.

(gentle music)

I was sent to a really
beautiful little school

in the middle of the country.

I was seven years old.

Boris was there.

The whole Johnson family
were there, actually.

And it was seen as being
like the top school,

and then everybody ended
up at Oxford or Cambridge,

and a lot of them
are in politics.

Everybody thinks that it's,
you know, we're privileged.

I tell you what, you're
lucky if you didn't go,

you got away with it
because it was shit.

- [Ajamu] And then just
pushed one hand up, yeah.

- The longer I was there,
the more I discovered

and realized what
really was going on.

(gentle music)

One of the things
that happened was

there was a teacher who'd
come into the dormitory,

and he would make a stand
around completely naked,

and we'd have to get an erection

and balance our slippers
on the end of it,

and basically who'd get
the hardest erection.

It was basically he would
wander around sort of watching.

He was a, you know...

He had really
scary, thick glasses

and wrinkly face, like paper.

That's what I remember of him.

And if he punished
me, for example,

he'd take me to his
room... (yelling)

And he'd bend me over his bed,

and then I would just hear
him breathing over me,

but he wouldn't touch me.

And yeah, it was
creepy, you know?

For somebody at that age,

seven years old,
it's super creepy.

I didn't realize at the
time how extensive it was.

I mean, some of my friends
were essentially raped.

There's obviously zero
consent at that age, you know,

by teachers, you know,

and we were all seven,
eight, nine, 10, 11, 12.

I mean we were young.

We were young.

It's a hard word to describe

how you feel later having
realized something was going on

that you couldn't help with.

We were kids, so there's no way

I could have done
anything at the time.

But like if we'd all known
more about the way of the world

and we'd been a bit older,

we might have been
able to do something.

It's weird the way
the memory works.

For many years, everyone
brushes under the carpet.

You know, we wouldn't even
talk about it with each other.

But then in recent years,
around the time of Jimmy Savile,

the compensation did come up,

and it only became
apparent to me then

how damaging this had been
to some people's lives.

We brought a criminal case
against some of the teachers.

We've already been successful.

We had one locked up.

And it meant justice
for his victims.

(techno music)
(internet dial-up tone)

- Pornography came into my life

when I got a
computer in my room.

Because the dial-up
was really slow,

you just load images.

And you know, it would be like,

you'd see the head and
then you'd see the eyes

and then you'd see the boobs.

And sometimes before you'd even

got to the bottom of the image,

which could just be one photo,
you could have ejaculated.

But it was always a
race with pornography.

I found that it was never
sort of prolonging it

and having a 10-, 15-minute,
20-minute, 30-minute

sort of level of masturbation.

It was always this sort
of get it done quickly

before someone catches you.

(people moaning)

- Porn just puts
it into a visual,

so you have to do less work.

I think actually, honestly,

using your imagination to
is a lot of work. (laughing)

And nobody's got
that kinda time.

- [Participant]
Sometimes I would use it

if I know I need to wank

and it has to be
quick, I will use porn.

- I think most people
approach porn like that.

They watch it, they get
what they need from it,

and then they close their laptop

and pretend it didn't exist.

(gentle music)

- The first time I ever
saw porn, I was 12,

and I was on the internet kind
of going to these websites,

and having fun, I was like,

oh my god, my little
sister loves Boyzone.

I'm going to look
for Boyzone's website

and then print off some
pictures of Boyzone

and take them home for my
sister, because I'm adorable.

Also had a massive
crush on most of Boyzone

at the same time, but
didn't fully understand.

So I typed in boyzone.com,
thinking it was their website,

and it was not their website.

Not at all.

It was some very
aggressive porn.

And I could draw you from
memory that page instantly,

because it was both the
most electrically exciting

and the most terrified
I've ever been in my life.

(people moaning)

- When I was younger, it
was a lot of just frosting

and fucking and everything
was sort of really aggressive.

And I think I learned
all them behaviors

through pornography,

and I don't know how many
sexual partners I had,

but it was too many before
someone actually said,

"I don't like it like that.

"Why do guys always
do it like that?"

There was this serious lack
of communication before that,

that actually meant
slow down, make love,

like caress me, use it properly,

allow me to feel the different
contours of your penis,

and that was like a
game changer for me.

- So I think porn became
a bit of a problem.

There was definitely
levels of addiction there.

There were ways in which it
was affecting my self image

in terms of here are
all these super smooth,

super ripped white guys
with massive dicks.

And,

I didn't see, obviously didn't
see myself in any of that.

(gentle music)

I first realized kind of towards
the end of primary school

that I was gay, but
Asian men are straight.

That's it.

So I think trying
to marry those parts

of my identity together, that
completely ripped me apart.

It was

trying to pray that the
sexuality would go away

or that I'd become
straight, or failing that,

if I could get hit by a bus
or if something would happen

so that I wasn't alive anymore,

because I was suicidal
during this time,

but suicide is
prohibited in Islam,

so it kind of felt
as I was trapped.

And obviously the
gay didn't go away,

and then it just got
more and more intense,

until I couldn't keep
up with it anymore.

It was just too much.

It was...

It was crushing,

and I took it out on my body.

So it was, you know,
hacking at my body.

It was punishing my body,

because I hated this vessel
that I was attached to,

and I just wanted to
rip my body apart.

And I did.

Physically, I started
to rip it apart.

- How are you feeling, okay?

I want you to feel yourself

transforming into something
else, right, yeah?

(camera beeping)

Yeah?

Beautiful.

Now then, touch your
scars with this hand.

Yeah, just very...

Yeah, very, very
gentle like that.

- This is probably
the strangest thing

I've ever done in my life.

(gentle music)

- [Ajamu] Look away
some more, look away.

That's it.

That's it.

Being nude.
- Mm-hm?

- [Ajamu] How do you
feel in terms of power?

- It feels powerful to be
stood here, nude, naked,

talking about things
I've talked about,

and I'm owning it.

This whole experience has been

kind of airing out
the dirty laundry

and seeing that actually
when I talk about it,

it's not as powerful anymore,

or it's kind of, it doesn't
have as much of a hold on me,

and it's kind of
drawn a line under it.

(gentle intense music)

- I'm done.

That's the image.

(gentle intense music)

Nice.
- That's me.

- [Ajamu] That's you, honey.

(participant laughing)

Thank you.

- Thank you.

(gentle intense music)

- Thank you.enisf

my ability to create life
with the opposite sex.

It's integral to who I am

from a survival standpoint,
in terms of my fertility,

my strength, meaning being
able to pass on my seed.

It's how I connect
with the opposite sex

on an intimate level.

It's how we exchange
that magical energy.

It's fucking awesome.

- How you doin'?
- Fantastic.

- Thanks for comin' in.
- You're very welcome.

- [Ajamu] Do you shake or hug.

I like hugs personally.

There you go.

- I think it's a travesty
that men and women

are being mushed together,

because I think the differences

between the two are so beautiful

and that's where all the
chemistry comes from.

And to pretend that
we're all the same

in the name of equality,
I think is nonsense.

I think that our differences
should be celebrated

and what we should be doing

is learning how to respect each
other for those differences.

- Sabin, tell me
more about your work.

- [Sabin] I'm a sexual
development companion

and high class escort.

- Yeah.
- So essentially women hire me

to help them explore
their sexuality.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And it varies a
lot from women who

have been in long-term
relationships but
have had no sex

to women who want to explore

maybe a darker side
of their sexuality.

- Okay.

- I don't feel any pressure
because of my race,

but I probably have been with
women who, for them it was,

a large part of the
attraction to me

was the fact that I was
the forbidden fruit.

I'm not ignorant to the fact
that that plays into it,

but I don't let that define me.

- [Ajamu] How long have
been in the business?

- Coming up to about
five years now.

- Are your family aware?

- I've got a
19-year-old daughter.

She's lived with me since
she was five years old.

- Yeah.
- So she's well aware

of what I do.

I'm quite open with
her, within reason.

I'm still her dad, so-
- Of course, yeah.

- [Sabin] You know,
some information

I don't need to share with her,

but she knows what I do.

- Yeah.
- I don't hide that from her.

My mother is surprisingly
more open to the idea,

than, I would say, my
brothers and sisters,

who, they tend not to really
know how to deal with it.

Because within our family, the
idea of discussing sexuality,

especially if you've
grown up in a household

which is quite religious, it's
still quite a taboo subject.

- [Ajamu] I want men to
celebrate their bodies

and their sexuality.

And this project has made
me continue to question

why we don't see
penises outside of sex.

So a tremendous symbol of
old school masculinity,

but that needs to be challenged.

- For me, masculinity
is all about

how much of a man I can feel,

how much of a man I
can make myself feel.

Or how much of a man I come
across to other people.

- I don't think society
really has many real men.

I think society has
a lot of grown boys,

and so I think men find
themselves under the pressures

to try and achieve a warped
version of masculinity.

And it's the wrong
version of masculinity

that they're pursuing.

(intense music)

- I think the word masculinity,

to me, means violence, probably,

first and foremost.

It's much bigger than me.

It's structural.

It's the way we
reward masculinity
and let boys be boys.

I was always extremely
visibly feminine

from a really young age,

and I think people
just didn't really

know how to deal with that.

So when my big body that
was incredibly feminine

would question people's
perception of what I should be,

I think that creates a friction

and a tension and a violence,

and that's what would happen.

At high school that used
to like find me in corners

in like a PE changing
room or something.

And then they'd like
cum down my throat,

and they'd be like, "You
fuckin' tell anyone about this,

"and I'll kill you."

And they'd like, later that day,

I'd look up at the
top deck of the bus,

and they'd be like,
"You fuckin' faggot."

And then spit on my face,

and then there'd be all
their lads around them

doing the same, and
it's like, how funny.

You literally came in my
mouth about four hours ago.

(gentle intense music)

- My surname's Bellringer,

and when I was at school I
was teased remorselessly.

And I acted really
badly with that.

Instead of laughin' it off,

which woulda been
a better option,

I used to get into scrapes or
fights and things like that.

And the problem is, is that

I couldn't fight my
way out of a paper bag.

And when I joined the
army, I had to hide that.

I was worried that
I was a coward,

and I felt that I had to
appear as this big man.

I had to project this idea

of being big, gruff, brave,

courageous.

And no one must know that
I feel that I'm a coward.

- As an 18-year-old,

joining the police meant a
decent wage at 20,000 pounds,

driving fast cars, and
locking bad people up.

However, the stark reality is,

I've become ill from it.

- Ken, there's just somebody
(indistinct) around over there.

(intense music)

- 10 years ago I was
serving in Afghanistan.

My role over there
was bomb disposal.

We were tasked on
this particular day

to deal with a
series of devices.

Something we'd done
many, many times before.

But on this particular
day it went awfully wrong.

- I would be in murder scenes,

blood everywhere,
carpets, walls.

There would potentially
still be a body there

if it hadn't been
removed by the coroners.

Going to a road
traffic accident,

you're diggin' body
parts out of the roads

with tweezers and spoons.

But the one thing that
will never ever leave me,

and the medications
haven't touched,

and haven't managed to solve is,

the smell and the
sight of death.

I can close my eyes and
I can picture any one of

a hundred maybe dead
bodies that I've seen.

And to this day, I wake up

in the middle of
the night screaming,

I have sweats and terrors.

That's the reality of
being in the police.

They have something called
the canteen culture.

And you literally sit
around on your lunch break

and you laugh and joke
about their bodies.

In essence, that's their
way of dealing with it,

because they make it very
difficult for you to speak out.

Well, you joined the police,

you know what you
were getting into.

- I survived an absolutely
massive explosion

that I had no right to survive.

Strangely, when I
was told that I'd

lost my testicles, I just,

metaphorically just
shrugged my shoulders,

and went, you
know, that's right.

That's that then.

I didn't grieve straight away,

but later on I did.

Sometimes I'd be
in a horny mood,

but have nothing that
I could do about that.

I suppose the ultimate
frustration of being a man,

- Mental health is a
big problem for men.

The stigma attached to men is

you can't cry, you can't
show you're emotional,

you can't let off steam in a
way that shows you're weak.

And we need that.

We need that

sort of ability to say,

I'm struggling with
this, I'm tired,

you know, I'm feeling emotional,

I'm feeling down, I need to cry.

- The genital injuries
that I've suffered

really has changed my
perspective on being a man.

Many things aren't as important.

I don't need to be
big and aggressive.

And for me, now, being
a man is just about

being happy with life.

That's the important thing,

being happy with
life and who you are.

(gentle bright music)

- [Ajamu] As men,
we are conditioned

to bury our vulnerability,

so often with
disastrous results.

I find it inspiring

the way that Darren
has faced his demons.

Jesus Christ.

- This is a first for me.

I can't say I've ever
had octopus on my feet.

- As are men, our
emotions get tangled.

We cannot always work 'em
through, unravel them.

For me, the octopus
is a great metaphor

and for how we can
talk about masculinity,

and then the octopus
tentacles going around here,

going to be like
shackles as well

because then I think
we're also trained to

a concept of masculinity.

- For me it's the shackles
of PTSD and the police.

- [Ajamu] Yeah.

- I think everything
you've just said

is completely
captured within that.

That photo.

(gentle intense music)

- Secondary school harbored

a very warped version
of masculinity,

because it was very much about
dominance and popularity.

You had to prove yourself,

whether it was through
courage, through fighting.

If you were seen
to care too much,

you know, you could have
been bullied for that.

If you weren't able
to snog a girl,

you would've been
bullied for that.

And as you grow up, you
continue to reuse them patterns

that have built into you,

not realizing that you should
have grown out of them,

as you truly turn
into a real man.

- I think men ooze
this confidence,

and this testosterone
just comes through,

and they put on this poker face.

But on the inside, you know,

they are quite
emotionally constipated,

and a lot of the
thoughts and the feelings

are kept to themselves.

- I honestly don't know
what masculinity is,

and that's one of the reasons
I have trouble being it,

because it's not a
story I can tell myself

that I understand.

- Masculinity means, obviously,

men and women look different.

If you go back
thousands of years,

you've got sort of that
primate, the caveman type thing,

where men would look
after the women,

so they've gotta be tough and,
you know, protect their women

and go out and
feed their family.

So for me that's
really, really important

to be seen as a man.

(gentle music)

When I was five,
for some reason,

to me the age six just
seemed like a boy's age.

And so I thought I would
wake up on my sixth birthday,

having wished for
many, many years,

every morning I'd wake up
and pray that I'd be a boy,

that it was gonna happen
on my sixth birthday.

And I said to the
people around me,

"I'm gonna be a
boy when I'm six."

And they're obviously
like, "No, you're not."

(gentle music)

Puberty for me was
horrible, really horrible.

I knew from an early that
I was gonna grow breasts

and have various things happen,

and the thought of that
scared the life out of me.

And then, you know, it's coming

and there's absolutely
nothing you can do to stop it.

And your body just grows in
ways that you don't want it to.

I thought I was a freak.

Having started hormones,
obviously my clitoris has grown,

so effectively
it's a micro penis.

And the clitoris has
got, I don't know,

50 times more nerves,
I think, than a penis.

So it's very sensitive.

And if it's grown, it's
gonna be even more sensitive.

It can become erect, which
means you've got something

that effectively feels
exactly the, you know,

it sexually feels nice.

You can still orgasm.

And for me, being a man is not
necessarily about that area.

No one sees that.

So when I'm walking
down the road,

and I go into a shop
and buy a can of Coke,

that's the one area
that doesn't matter.

I was in a relationship
for about 10 years

before I transitioned.

And you know, in terms of
the relationship itself,

nothing changed.

But what I find really weird is

before I was seen
as a straight woman,

so I was straight, and
now I'm seen as a gay man.

We are still the same people,

and the relationship's the same,

but the world sees me as
a different sexuality.

- [Ajamu] Our dicks
help shape us as men

and how we navigate the world.

And like the men I've met,

that can be complicated
and beautiful.

- Now, as I stand,

masculinity means
to me somebody who's

not got anything to prove.

Somebody who can live truthful,
somebody who can say no,

somebody who can
express their emotions,

and somebody who can be
honest with themselves

and others in this world.

- A good man to me kind
of means someone who

is strong and courageous.

Not just like physically strong,

but with a sense of reliability

and able to support
people around him.

- Someone who is
comfortable and controlled

and doesn't feel the need to
project themselves onto others.

- I wanted to fuck
with the rules,

especially the ones
that tries to define

how we as men should
think and act.

- I think being a
man has changed a lot

in the last few years.

We're all starting to
realize that we're all

probably not as masculine as
we all think we are. (laughing)

- There's definitely been
a massive change for me

in how men are with
their emotional selves.

There is a dialogue
that's been opened up

where men are allowed
to talk about pain.

They're allowed to talk about

what they feel and
why they feel it.

And it's raised the bar
from survival to happiness.

And I think now men
want to be happy.

- [Ajamu] We need to let men
be whatever they want to be.

And I think we can do all that

without losing the joys and
the pleasures of the dick.

(bright rhythmic music)

(bright rhythmic music)
(person moaning and panting)

(gentle bright music)