Original subtitles

Hey, everybody!

It's the holidays!

A time for some joy and laughter.

And no one hands out that stuff better than your friend and mine,

Jeff Dunham!

Hey, hey, Milwaukee!

Welcome to my Scrooged-Up Holiday Special in the beer capital of the world.

Man, what a gorgeous theater. What a perfect place to do this.

My boys have been exploring it,

you know, during the day when nothing's going on here.

That third balcony is way the heck up there.

That's literally the nosebleed section. It's awesome.

They were running around, and James discovered something today

that I thought was pretty great. So, he's running around.

And because it's the Pabst Theater,

he found the 'P' on the carpet upstairs.

Right there. See it?

And it runs all the way, up and out...

the sides of all the runners going up and down the hallways

You can see him point to it. Oh, yeah, there he is pointing to it.

He thought that was very cool.

No. He didn't think it was cool. He thought it was hilarious

because if you back up a little to the next photo,

it spells "poop."

So, why a Christmas special?

Well, I'm sharing with you what I know and what I grew up with.

I was raised in a home that celebrated Christmas,

so this is a Christmas special.

If I was Jewish, this would be a Hanukkah special.

If I was black, this might be a Kwanzaa special.

If I was an atheist, this would be a special.

But Christmas is extra special for me,

because when I was eight years-old,

that year under the Christmas tree,

Santa left me my very first ventriloquist dummy.

And I've shown this photograph before,

but I have to show it again because it's one of my favorite ones.

So, under the tree is Mom and me and my first dummy and Dad,

and there we are right there.

Thank you.

I think I love that picture also because

you can tell how proud my father is.

But that moment right there began a lifelong career

leading to this very moment here tonight.

But this special is different from any one I've ever done.

My wife Audrey came up with the idea

of me and my guys doing our own film version

of the Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol.

I thought that would be a great movie.

Why not? Let's see if we can get it made.

But then in the meantime, I thought, how about for my next stand-up special,

what if it's me talking to the guys about their possible roles in the film

and what characters I think they should play.

So, tonight I'm casting.

So, if you know the Christmas Carol story,

see if you can guess who of my guys should play whom in the movie.

You guys ready for the little people in the boxes?

The first guy I'd like to introduce has been in my act a long time,

and I'm fairly certain you can guess who he'd play in A Christmas Carol.

Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter.

Shut the hell up!

Good evening, Walter.

And why am I dressed like this?

- I am hot as hell! - I know.

- I think I'm having a stroke. - Come on.

I bet you love the holidays.

I bet you're an idiot.

Come on. What's your favorite Christmas carol?

- My favorite Christmas carol... - That's right.

You mean one that makes me feel joy and hope

- and a beautiful peace inside? - That's right.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

That's not a Christmas carol.

Just imagining fills me with great joy.

Well, I'm happy to see you dressed for the occasion.

Me? I didn't do this. You did this to me!

He takes us on the tour bus and plays dolly freakin' dress-up.

- No, I don't. - No one can hear us scream.

- That's not true. - Ah! He's touching us again!

Stop it. You look great for the occasion.

- What occasion? - This is our Christmas special,

and this special is gonna be on Amazon Prime.

- Amazon? - Yeah.

Oh, so they're gonna deliver this special and leave it on everyone's front porch?

Inside another box that's ten times the size it needs to be?

Then some jerk comes along and steals it off the porch,

and I have to order it all over again?

You know, Amazon makes things very convenient.

Yeah, and how lazy have we gotten? I mean seriously.

"I need a, uh, a toothpick.

I think they're upstairs. Nah, that's too far to walk."

"I'll just order it on Amazon."

Let's see. Two cents for a toothpick

and 29 dollars for shipping. Done.

Walter...

Then, five minutes later it's at my front door.

- Yeah. - "Oh, look!

They shipped me my toothpick in a box the size of a [bleep] Yugo."

A Yugo? That's your reference?

I guess you'd prefer a Prius?

That was a long time ago.

You are forever damaged, my friend.

Look, our special's gonna be on Amazon Prime, the subscription service.

Oh, good, so we can subscribe, watch this special,

then quickly unsubscribe so they won't charge us.

That's not the best way to save money.

Says the guy who owned a Prius.

A blue Prius.

Does your wife enjoy the holidays?

My wife? You mean the nutcracker?

Your wife is a lovely lady, and I know that you love her very much.

- Whatever. - Tell everyone

what you gave your wife last Christmas.

- COVID. - No.

Look, next year there's an idea of us filming a Christmas movie.

- A movie? - Yeah, I'm picking the best roles

- for all the guys. - Oh, and that's why I'm dressed like this?

- Yes. - So I have to act?

- Ever done any acting? - Sure.

- Like what? - I laugh at your jokes.

- That's not funny. - No, not usually. They're not.

- What's the movie? - A Christmas Carol.

And all of us are gonna be in it?

That's the plan.

And, uh, have you actually decided on who gets what role?

I'm working on that right now.

Okay, so you're trying figure out who I should play?

Well, yeah.

So, for me, you've narrowed it down to a few possible characters?

- I'm a very versatile actor. - I'm sure.

I can even be that little kid who has a crutch.

Tiny Tim.

Why are we suddenly talking about your...

Oh! Oh! Oh! The kid! Tiny Tim!

- I thought you were talking about your... - Walter...

- Tiny Tim. - Walter!

- I'm sorry. - Tiny Tim has a very important role.

I'm sure he does, Jeff. Good for you!

This is a Christmas story.

Good place to hang the mistletoe. That's all I'm saying.

- Walter... - You know, the twigs and berries.

Will you stop it?

Okay, back to the movie. Now, what's that kid's name?

- It's Tiny Tim. - Right.

And I'm telling you... with a little makeup, I could be that kid.

- You could be Tiny Tim? - He's angry, right?

- No. - Oh, I think he is.

What is it he always says?

Well, his most famous line is, "God..."

Oh, yeah! "God, why was I born? It's a hard-knock life!"

What?

Then, he sings it, and the sun comes out tomorrow,

and blahdy-blah-blah. I hate that stupid show.

- That's Annie. - Yeah.

And then Tiny Tim gets left alone at his house,

and his mother yells, "Kevin!"

- That's Home Alone. - I could be Kevin,

and you could be the guy that gets hit in the head with a box of tools

and his hair catches on fire.

- Can you act? - Can I act?

- You know, hang on a second. - What?

I don't mean to interrupt here. I keep looking at you.

I don't usually throw around compliments.

I just gotta say here, you know, you're getting old,

but you're still looking pretty good.

Don't you think so? He's doing all right?

- Thank you. - Ha-ha. I'm [bleep] with ya. I'm acting.

One of the most moving scenes in the story is near the end

when Scrooge breaks down crying

because he's filled with regret. Do you think you could do that?

Oh, sure. I'll just pretend I'm your father.

What does that mean?

- Oh, come on. Think about you. - What?

Your father saved his entire life

to send his only son to a university.

- Yeah? - Then, you took your degree,

did nothing with it, and ended up doing a puppet show.

How much does that suck for your parents?

- Walter... - I mean, look at what you're doing now.

- This seems pretty good to me. - No, not that. This.

- What? - You're arguing.

- Yeah? - With me!

- Right. - Which is actually you!

- You know what's really weird? - What?

You're also losing this argument!

You ever seen The Twilight Zone?

You're freaking in it!

Let's talk about your actual role in A Christmas Carol.

I don't know who I would be.

- It's very obvious. - It is?

Yeah, you don't even have to audition.

- What? - Think about it.

- Who do you look like? - Uhh...

Come on.

- Good God, you? - No, not me!

Well, folks say you and I kind of look alike.

- Well... - Come on. Do the face.

That's just scary. Please tell me we're not related.

All right. At least I can smile.

- I can smile. - Really?

Yeah, well, it hurts a little when I do.

Let's see.

Oh, I think I pulled a groin muscle.

As for our movie, Walter, you would be Scrooge.

What? Me?

Come on. Ebenezer Scrooge was a very rich man

- who never got married. - Oh, hell yeah. I'll be that guy.

In the beginning of the story, Scrooge is very lonely. Do you know why?

He was a ventriloquist?

- Sorry. - In the story,

Scrooge gets woken up three times in the middle of the night.

And it gets worse and worse the older you get.

Back then, women were expected to marry,

have children, and keep a nice household.

And those were the only acceptable roles for women during that era.

Is that too much to ask?

Are you trying to turn off every woman in this room?

Oh, no, no. You've got that covered.

Hey ladies, you wanna hear a sentence that in the history of humans

no woman has ever said? Ready?

"Ventriloquist... that's hot."

Wah-wah.

- Who wrote A Christmas Carol? - Charles Dickens.

Sorry. Just laughing at his last name.

Dickens.

- They could be friends. - Who?

Tiny Tim and Little Dickens.

You sure Tiny Tim's name isn't Kevin?

No, it's not Kevin. That's Home Alone.

Well, that's you as a kid... home alone, playing with your Tiny Tim.

- Say goodnight, Walter. - Thanks, Milwaukee!

Our next guy up is pretty much a party animal

and perfect to play in our movie as the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Please welcome your good buddy and mine, Bubba J.

How you doing, Bubba J?

Pretty good. And ho-ho-ho!

Oh, it's not Christmas yet.

Oh, well then, ho-ho-hold my beer.

It's Milwaukee. They love that crap.

Okay.

- Bubba J. - What?

Have you done any acting?

- Oh, sure. - Really?

- Yeah. - When?

When the police pull me over, I act like I haven't been drinking.

What if there's a breathalyzer?

I get to go on a sleepover.

Oh.

- Can we talk about the movie now? - Okay.

To talk about the movie, let's get in the mood of the season.

- Okay. - When I wake up on Christmas morning,

- I'm happy to be alive. - Well, you didn't drink as much as I did.

So, Christmas is my favorite time of year. It's all about loving your fellow man.

- Really? - Yes.

Uh, does your wife know that?

That's a shocker.

You should be upfront with Audrey about that.

I had no idea.

She's gonna be like, "Jeff, why do you now like the hot dogs

more than the honey-baked ham?"

They honey-baked ham?

- They know what I'm talking about. - All right.

- It's warm... - That's enough.

Okay.

- Hey, in this movie, do we get presents? - I don't know.

Come on. Presents are the best part about Christmas.

Well, you know, Bubba J, it is better to give than to receive.

Yes, especially when you're in prison.

- No honey-baked ham. - All right.

It's more like a rump roast.

Will you stop? I'm so sorry.

This is not my fault.

So, does your wife bake during the holidays?

- Oh, yeah. - What?

- Meth. - No. No.

- What? - I mean like a holiday treat.

Well, she can put colored sprinkles on it for ya.

Oh, whoops, I said "colored."

Nice knowing you, cracker.

So, do you have a favorite Christmas carol?

Oh, well, my dad likes the song "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

Oh, you know, a couple years ago, that song was kind of canceled.

- Do you know why? - Uh-huh. Global warming.

How about "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?"

Oh, I did too, but I think it was my uncle.

- All right, back to our movie. - Okay.

Did you see the movie The Muppets' Christmas Carol?

Oh, no, I hate puppets. They scare me.

Okay.

So, the movie we're shooting is our version of A Christmas Carol.

- Okay. - It's a story about a man

who learns the true meaning of Christmas.

Was it during a Zoom meeting?

No.

You know, one time during a Zoom meeting, I learned the true meaning

of forgetting to turn your camera off during personal time.

On Christmas Eve, Scrooge is visited by three ghosts.

Do you know why?

- He swiped right? - No. No.

The Ghost of Christmas Past wakes up Scrooge in the middle of the night

- and says to Scrooge... - "We've been trying to reach you

about your car's extended warranty."

- No. - In this movie,

I want to be a superhero Santa. And instead of reindeer,

I have hot chicks with Christmas ta-tas.

I'm afraid to ask... what are "Christmas ta-tas," Bubba J?

They're like ornaments that I can touch.

- No. No. - You sound like all the girls I dated.

"No. No."

♪ Can't touch this... ♪

So, when you were a kid, did Santa come down the chimney at your house?

We didn't have a chimney. We lived in a mobile home.

- Oh. - My parents said he came up the tailpipe.

I think there's another prison joke here if you want it.

You know, my daddy kinda looked like Santa.

Really? What, did he say 'ho-ho-ho?'

Sometimes when my sisters were going out.

- Was your father that mean? - No, he was just counting.

I see.

- One time, he said 'ho' four times. - What did that mean?

Mom was going with 'em.

Okay, so in England, do you know who they call 'Father Christmas?'

- Nick Cannon. - No.

Are you familiar with Dickens?

Oh, yeah. Yesterday I stepped on a rake, and it hit me in the Dickens.

No.

No. Charles Dickens.

Oh, yours has a first and a last name.

- Fancy. - Bubba J...

Hey, honey, meet Charles.

You know, people have been reading A Christmas Carol for 150 years.

Then I'd say it's too long.

They can't all be gems. Shut up.

But like I said, we're shooting our version of the story.

- We are? - Yeah, we're shooting Scrooge.

Well, I hope he's white. Otherwise, it'll be a hate crime.

Sometimes, I ad-lib you into trouble, don't I?

In the story, Scrooge becomes a second father to Tiny Tim.

Oh, my uncle is my second father.

- Oh. - Yeah, and my real father, too.

Then he had that operation, and he was my other mother.

Okay, like I said, Scrooge has three visitors in the middle of the night.

- Like Jack Daniels? - No. No.

- Jim Beam? Dos Equis? - No. No!

- Ghosts. - Ghosts?

Yes, and I want you to play the Ghost of Christmas Past.

- You want me to be a ghost? - Yeah.

- I shouldn't do it. - Why not?

It never goes well when there's a redneck in a white sheet.

Well...

- Boo! - I got it.

Since the story takes place in old England,

can you speak with a British accent?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I do it when the cops pull me over for driving on the wrong side of the road.

"Hello, there, Officer."

"I had no idea you blokes drive on the wrong side of the road."

"Rah, rah, rah, rah."

- Does that work? - Oh, yeah.

- Because your accent is so good? - No, because my teeth are so bad.

Well, A Christmas Carol takes place in London

around the time Queen Victoria married her first cousin.

Oh, she beat me to it.

But she was Queen until she was eighty-two-years-old.

Do you know what happened after that?

Uh, they convinced her to not run for a second term?

- I'm smart. I watch TV. - All right.

So, Bubba J, what happens when the director of a movie yells, "Action?"

Oh, that's my favorite kind of movie.

You know, if you're an actor, you have to know your cue.

Oh, that's nothing.

When a cop pulls me over, I have to know the whole alphabet.

Okay, so in the movie, you're playing the Ghost of Christmas Past.

- How was I? - What?

If I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past, I already did it.

No, you haven't done it yet. You're playing him in the future.

- Oh, we're going back to the future? - No.

Can I take Scrooge to the past in a DeLorean?

Are you joking?

Jokes? Where we're going, we don't need jokes.

So, Bubba J, we've now gotten to the part

that I think is your favorite part of the show.

- Can I introduce it? - Sure.

This is the part of the show where you get to hear about what I think about

after I've had a few too many.

This is 'Bubba J's Egg Nog Shots and Christmas Thoughts.'

Every Christmas, my mother bakes us cookies

and a gingerbread halfway house.

Think about this... is Cindy-Lou Who Chinese?

Is it wrong for a snowman to ask Santa Claus for a bigger carrot?

If the Grinch stole Kwanzaa,

would Democrats say it was Trump's fault?

When the little drummer boy played for baby Jesus,

was that the peak of his career?

Did the three wise men include gift receipts?

- You know what those gifts were, right? - Oh, yeah.

- Gold, frankincense, and myrrh. - Good for you.

- Very beautiful gifts. - Yeah.

I doubt when he was in the manger and was given those gifts,

that's the first time anybody went, "Jesus Christ, look what you got!"

Keep going.

Maybe Santa wouldn't have to check his list twice

if he used a bigger font. Duh.

Is Santa bipolar?

You get it? I wrote that one. I'm killin' right now. That's good.

When Santa goes to a strip club, does he make it snow?

- Why you laughing? - I wrote that yesterday. It's funny.

If there's an earthquake on Christmas in Los Angeles,

I bet you'll find a shelf on an elf.

For Christmas this past year, I got my wife a boob job.

For Christmas this year, I'll get her the other one.

And finally, can a Gingerbread Man transition?

- What would he become? - A donut hole.

- Say goodnight, Bubba J. - Thanks, Milwaukee!

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

For the next cast member in our movie,

I realized I had the perfect guy to play Tiny Tim.

He's a semi-professional ventriloquist dummy

that I designed and just happen to sell online

and on Amazon, but...

this is the brand-new and improved and cuter version 2.0

for kids and adults.

Please help me welcome the perfect Christmas present

for any new ventriloquist, Little Jeff.

How you doing, Little Jeff?

Oh, I'm doing just fine, Jeff. Thank you very much.

Okay. And you know where we are?

Oh, yeah, sure. We're in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

- That's right. - Yeah.

In the lovely and historic Pabst Theater.

- That's right. - Yeah.

- Where you have dressed me like a bum. - Hey.

Okay, we're really not supposed to use the word 'bum' anymore.

Oh, my apologies.

- It's offensive to some folks. - That's right.

Why am I dressed like this?!

Looks like Goodwill went to ill will.

- Or I need a freaking will. - All right.

Am I supposed to be homeless?

- It's not homeless. - But wait a minute!

The other guys and I already live in boxes,

so we are kind of homeless already.

Just look. We're going to be shooting a movie,

- and I want you to play Tiny Tim. - Who you calling tiny?

No, it's just a character name.

Well, I don't like it. I'm taller than Tom Cruise, I'll have you know.

Shut up! I am!

He does his own stunts 'cause little guys don't get hurt.

- I didn't know that. - Oh, sure.

You can carry him around in one of those frickin' suitcases, too.

See, he could be in A Christmas Carol. Tiny Tom.

I don't think so.

Tiny Tom and Tiny Tim could fight Evil Scrooge.

I got a weapon right here. Hi-ya!

Hi-ya!

- Can you put that down, please? - Okay, whatever. Not like it's my crutch.

This jerk hot-glued it in my hand. I hate you.

All right.

I don't look like this when you're buying a box.

I don't have on my stupid hat and the bum clothes.

You're not... don't say "bum."

Bum bum. Bum bum bum. Bum bum bum bum.

Bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum. Hi-ya!

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, dun-dun-dun.

- Can we go on? - I don't care.

- I forgot where we were. - Mil-wau-kee.

I know that.

Be nice, or Santa Clause won't bring you anything.

That fat guy never gave me nothin'!

Really? Maybe 'cause you're not nice.

- I'm nice! - You sure?

Ahh...

Santa knows when you're naughty and nice.

Why does no one find it creepy that Santa does

constant surveillance on your kids?

So, I'm curious... do you have any Christmas traditions?

- Yeah, I like to go to Vegas. - Ah.

Does it feel like Christmas in Vegas?

It does when the strippers wear Santa hats.

You know we're making a Christmas movie?

Is it one of the horrible sappy ones on the Hallmark Channel

that make me wanna dropkick a cat?

No. Like I said, it's our version of A Christmas Carol.

Oh, that sounds fantastic!

Any big stars in this movie?

Uh, well, I'll be in it.

So that would be 'no.' Anybody else?

All of us, including you.

If you say you want me to be a tiny little elf,

I will Tom Cruise you. Hi-ya!

Look, in this story, Tiny Tim is dying.

Aw, how come?

- Well... - You wrote his jokes?

That's funny crap right there. That's a good one. I got you there.

- Does this Tiny Tim have a job? - No.

So, he's unemployed and he's a foreigner.

Bus him to California. They'll love his ass.

- And Tiny Tim needs medical help? - Yeah, some kind of operation.

Oh, so then Tiny Tim becomes Tiny Tina?

Why don't we talk about Christmas carols?

Maybe you could sing one at the end of the movie.

What? I don't know any Christmas carols.

- I bet you know more than you think. - I don't know.

I'll give you a line or two of the song,

and I think the rest will just pop into your head.

- Okay, whatever. - ♪ O Holy Night ♪

♪ I think you're out of tune ♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ No one knows what the heck a bough is ♪

♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Who is Harold and is he a queen? ♪

♪ O come all ye faithful ♪

♪ I can't believe you said that ♪

♪ Silent Night ♪

♪ Your hearing ain't right ♪

♪ What child is this? ♪

♪ With Maury Povich ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ If you're wearing them, you're gay ♪

No!

♪ God rest ye, merry gentlemen ♪

♪ The hookers went away ♪

Do you hear what I hear?

Nope. You have voices in your head.

I'll have a blue Christmas.

Thank you, Viagra.

Say goodnight, Little Jeff.

Thanks, everybody! Yay!

Thank you!

Thank you.

The Ghost of Christmas Present was another bit of easy casting for me,

because there's no one more present or in your face than this purple guy.

Please help me welcome my old friend, Peanut!

- Heya, Peanut. - Doin' pretty good. How about you?

- I'm fine. - That's [gibberish]. That's good!

- Ha ha! - Stop it! Cut it out.

- So, what's up, Jeff-fa-fa? - As I've been telling the other guys,

you know we're going to be shooting a Christmas movie next year.

- Yes! - What's your favorite part of Christmas?

The MILF on a shelf.

Oh, sorry. Elf. Elf, elf, elf on a shelf.

Sorry, I get those two mixed up sometimes.

Well, my friend's mom is incredibly hot.

- Right. - And incredibly short.

- So, "MILF on a shelf." - Stop it.

Okay, sorry. Ha ha!

Stop!

Can't wait to kiss her under the camelt...

Mistletoe, mistletoe, mistletoe!

Mistletoe. Sorry.

Sorry.

Okay, what's up?

Do you know who I want you to play in A Christmas Carol?

- The rabbi! - No. No.

- There is no rabbi. No. - Really?

- Racist! - Stop it.

There's no rabbi in the original story of A Christmas Carol.

- You should change that. - No, I shouldn't.

Jeff, these days you have to be diverse in your hiring.

- I know. - And equitable.

- Yes. - And inclusive.

You're here.

- The hell does that mean? - Well, you're not exactly typical.

Oh, really? Well, neither are you.

I'm not purple.

I'm "of color."

No one who is "of color" is purple.

Barney?

Well...

Grimace?

Peanut, those guys are all fake. You're real.

I'm just gonna let that hang in the air for a while

until everyone figures out you're a danger to yourself

and those around you.

In the movie, I want you to play the Ghost of Christmas Present.

- Sounds great! - Right.

You enter Scrooge's bedroom wearing a robe.

Oh, I'll be like Hugh Hefner. "Hello."

No, but you tell Scrooge that unless he helps Tiny Tim,

the boy will die.

Why don't we make it that Walter dies instead?

He's old. It's time, Jeff.

Come on, he's made of wood. So, instead of a cremation,

we'll have a campfire and make s'mores.

- That's terrible. - Wait!

You said I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present?

- Yes. - So, I give presents?

No, not "presents." I said "present," as in "now."

I'm changing it. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Presents. Yay!

In fact, I have a Christmas present for you, Jeff.

- For me? - Yes. Marnell!

- What are you doing? - It's okay. I already set up with Marnell.

- Marnell! - Don't yell at Marnell.

I always yell at Marnell. Marnell!

Oh, look, there it is. There's the Christmas present!

Look it, look it. Marnell, you gotta help Jeff open it

'cause one of his hands is occupied.

Well, I don't know. You do a lot with one hand, don't you, Jeff?

- Ha ha! - Stop it!

Thank you, Marnell. Marnell.

Marnell. Marnell.

What white guy's named Marnell? It makes no sense whatsoever.

And his last name is White. What the [bleep]?

You know you thought you were diversity hiring

when you hired 'Marnell White," then that [bleep] showed up.

- Open it! - But...

Open it, open it, open it!

Oh.

Look, it's the Peanut ventriloquist dummy!

I'm so excited! Look at that!

So great! Look at that!

Tell 'em about the box. The box! Tell 'em about the box!

- Just the freakin' box! - Okay.

So, even the box is great. We made it like a little steamer trunk.

It has stickers on it and a handle. It's easy to carry.

And this can be for kids or adults.

Way to go, Jeff. You're doin' great. Now, show 'em the doll.

It's such a great dummy. It's handsome. It's me. It's so great!

- Show 'em! - Okay.

Here it come, here it comes.

Oh, look, it's a little Peanut!

Yay!

So great! Tell them about it.

Okay, well, this is actually a very high quality product.

- It's a legit ventriloquist dummy. - Not a doll!

- No, it's not a... - No string in the back of the neck!

- He's a hollow body. - Hollow body!

- And there's a stick. - A stick!

- It's called a head stick. - Head stick!

- And you can move it around. - There's a trigger!

Trigger on the stick, and you can make him move like that and make him talk.

Show 'em how it works. Show 'em! Show 'em!

- Show them? - Show 'em how it works!

- You just can't do it. Show 'em. - Oh. All right.

What the hell? What did you do?

W-what? I'm gonna be in therapy for ten years now! What did you do?

I... you wanted me to show them how it works.

Not pull his head off! What is wrong with you?

Put it back!

You are a sick man deep down.

Okay, so there he is.

Anyway, like I said, a high quality product.

And even the feet and the hands,

I 3D scanned the real Peanut.

Yeah, and now I have cancer.

Okay, make him talk.

- What? - Make him talk.

- Make him... - Yeah, make him talk.

- Okay, but that's ventriloquism. - Right.

- It's not easy. - No.

- Lot of practice. - Lot of practice!

- Right? Okay. - Good.

I mean, first you have to learn how to talk without moving your lips,

and then you have to learn how to throw your voice,

and then you have to learn how to make your voice different

so it's not the same as yours, and then have to learn how

to manipulate it and make him come to life.

Jeff, make the [bleep] doll talk.

Look, I don't really do this. I just sell the dummy, uh...

But I guess I can figure this out.

So, uh, once for each syllable...

Okay, here we go. Okay.

Hi, look at me! I'm Peanut!

I'm just sittin' up here. I'm an ugly little guy.

Look, I got a big purple head,

and I got a green thing coming out of the top of my head.

I look like a pineapple gone bad!

That's what I look like.

Hey, look, I got only one shoe.

Did I lose a shoe or did I find a shoe?

I'm so stupid, I don't know.

Blah...!

The hell was that?

What the hell was what, Big Ugly Peanut?

It's just me, Little Handsome Peanut talking to Big Handsome Jeff.

We're just up here talkin'.

Oh, look. Exorcist. Errr...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Payback's a bitch.

Okay, first of all, that sounds nothing like me.

Oh, well, I don't do impressions.

No, Ugly Peanut, he doesn't do impressions.

This is just how I talk.

That sounds stupid. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Blah...

I'm gonna [bleep] kill you.

Oh, no! Big Ugly Peanut, don't drop the f-bomb!

People get upset when you do that.

He's gotta talk and tell stupid jokes. Blah, blah.

I'm funny, telling stupid jokes. Blurr...

I'm gonna hire Achmed...

to get on the tour bus, sneak in your bunk,

and murder you in your sleep.

Oh, no! Big Ugly Peanut, don't kill Jeff!

'Cause if he's dead, we're all out of work.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

- Are you finished? - Yeah, I think so.

- This wasn't funny. - Oh, it was really funny.

- I did not like it. - I loved it.

- Fine. Fine. - Fine. Fine.

- Big Peanut... - That's me.

- And Little Peanut. - That's me.

And that's Peanut, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you!

Thank you. So, there's a character in my act

that I knew would be perfect to play Death.

I think many of you know who that is.

Please help me welcome the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

Greetings and ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas, infidels!

Um, Achmed, why do you have on that hat?

I am Santa Claus.

- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.

We are in the movie A Christmas Carol,

and I am here, Santa Claus, to bring Christmas joy

to all the evil infidel children around the world.

In the story A Christmas Carol, there is no Santa Claus.

What is that line from that old movie, Miracle on 34th Street?

Ah, yes. Yes, Virgin, there is a Santa Claus.

- Achmed... - Santa!

And I am right here. Ho-ho-ho!

Virgin, you need a ho.

- Achmed... - I am Santa,

and I have a Christmas song to sing to Scrooge.

- Well... - It's called "Deck the Hell."

La la...

♪ Death to my pal, Ebenezer ♪

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la-la, bye-bye ♪

♪ You will soon be one dead geezer ♪

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la-la, you'll fry ♪

♪ You can help that Tiny Timmy ♪

♪ Fa la-la, la-la-la, or turn blue ♪

♪ Take it from me, the Grim Reaper ♪

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la... I killed you ♪

Thank you. Thank you.

Achmed, what do you think about becoming an actor?

I will not do nude scenes.

It's not funny!

When I say I am all bone, it is not what you think.

So, are you familiar with A Christmas Carol?

Is she really angry like Christmas Karen?

- That's a different thing. - I hope so.

I'm scared of that crazy lady.

Do you know who visits Scrooge in the middle of the night?

72 virgins?

No. Scrooge gets woken up in the middle of the night

by three different folks.

Oh, Seal Team Six.

- I knew a guy that happened to. - Yeah?

- Did not end well for him. - No.

- You're talking about Usama. - Yes.

That was awful what happened.

- Well... - Bitch owed me money!

- Hey, I was curious. - Yes?

Is the term 'elf' politically correct,

or do we now have to call them vertically-challenged North Poleans?

Also, I would like to thank my reindeer for flying me here tonight.

Much safer than on Boeing.

Oh, too soon?

Ah, by the time this special airs, it'll be fine.

Okay.

Wait, on second thought, I don't think I can be Santa.

- Why not? - I'm on a no-fly list.

It's not funny!

I kill you from here!

Okay, look, A Christmas Carol takes place at Christmas time.

That doesn't mean there has to be a Santa in our movie.

Oh, come on! I'll be great!

And I already did some trading with the real Santa.

- What? - Yeah, I traded him

eight of my best goats for eight of his reindeer.

- What? - And they are virgin reindeer.

How do you know if they're virgin reindeer?

Uh, the red nose is still in tact.

Some of them got it. Some of them didn't.

Okay.

- Achmed... - Oh, come on, please?

I can visit Tiny Tim and bring toys made from Santa's workshop.

Are the toys really made in Santa's workshop?

Uh, yes.

But "Santa's Workshop" is now the code word for China.

Or as Trump calls it, "Gina."

I was thinking the other day...

it's a good thing China is not in Virginia.

Because then Trump would say, "I'm having a rally in Vagina."

You don't think the elves make the toys now?

Well, Chinese kids are very small.

No. No. No.

Achmed, you can't make jokes like that.

Too late, and do not call me Achmed.

My pronoun is now "Santa."

Santa is a name, and a name is not a pronoun.

It's a proper noun.

You see, this is why you don't have any friends outside the suitcase.

As Santa, I will have my list of kids who are naughty and nice.

And by the way, you know how Santa gets his list?

- No. - The Chinese track the kid

on [bleep] TikTok.

True story.

By the way, did you know I used to be as big as Santa Claus?

Yeah, but you know...

Look, if I played this ghost, what are my lines?

- Oh, the ghost you play is silent. - Silent?

- Right. - You mean I don't say anything?

- That's correct. - Oh.

How can I yell "silent" if I'm always silent?

You take Scrooge to a cemetery and simply point at his grave.

You want me to point?

A little help.

Did my arms just fall off?

Holy crap, I really was made in China!

- Are they down there? - Yeah, they're down there.

- Where are they? - No, don't... you'll hurt...

Oh, no! Hold on a second. Look, stop!

What the hell?

Now what do we do?

We can get some barbecue sauce.

It's not funny!

♪ I want my baby back, baby back... ♪

Not funny!

Put my ribs back on me.

Say please.

You.

Not funny!

Stop laughing, or I will come down and Monty Python it

and bite your legs off!

Silent!

- You're gonna go to war? - What?

Take up arms and... go?

Oh, ha ha ha.

Okay.

- Looks like you cracked a rib. - Shut up!

- I remember 'cause I superglued it. - Silence!

- Okay. - I hate you!

Get my arms!

Holy crap!

I don't know which one's left and which one's right.

I don't... I don't know how this goes in here.

That's what she said.

- Okay, next one. - Look at that.

Cut it out!

- You're getting sleepy. - Silence!

Hi.

- Thank you. - All right, good to go. Here we go.

Ready? Okay!

The hell is that?

Well, my daughters were cheerleaders, and I, you know...

- Fix my legs. - Okay.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Great.

Thank you.

Very good. Than... what the...?

Son of a bitch. What the...?

Okay, you're an asshole.

Cut it out! The [bleep]?!

Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop touching my wiener!

Okay!

Don't touch your face. You just touch my wiener.

I...

- All right, back to our movie. - Okay.

Look, the story takes place in old London.

Do you know what the call Santa Claus in England?

Hey, you fat American! Get [bleep] off my roof!

- Achmed... - I should've done that

with a British accent.

What the hell?

Me with my accent doing a British accent?

What the hell does that sound like?

- I don't know. - Clearly.

Because I just tried it, and you almost lost a tonsil.

By the way, what is your accent?

You're asking me?

I... I don't know. Middle Eastern?

Where in the Middle East?

Iowa?

I am telling you my fans want to hear me speak.

Let's get some lines for my character.

- Like what? - I don't know.

Hey Scrooge, I've got some good news and some bad news.

What's the bad news?

What the hell was that?

- I was acting. - Well, don't.

You're scaring the children. Do it again.

- What's the bad news? - If you keep living the way you do,

you will be dead by Christmas.

- What's the good news? - I lost 200 pounds on Ozempic!

- Say goodnight, Achmed. - Happy holidays!

- It's Achmed, the dead terrorist. - I'll kill you!

Thank you.

- Infidel! - What?

- Infidel, come back! - What?

I need you to give this to Peanut!

Oh, okay. Yes, I will give this to Peanut for you.

There we go. I will give that to Peanut.

Very nice. There we go.

All right, so I th...

Silence! I'll kill me!

And that's Achmed, the dead, blown-up terrorist.

You guys have been an awesome audience!

Thanks for coming out tonight! We'll see you next time! Good night!

Thank you guys so much!

How about seeing my wife and two little boys?

Here are Jack and James. Come on, guys.

And my beautiful wife, Audrey Murdick, ladies and gentlemen!

All right, happy holidays, everybody! And Merry Christmas!

See you all next time!

Thanks, everybody! Good night!