Original subtitles

Oh, Laura.

Aha.

I busted you, you little minx.

What do you want, Steve?

Well... I have bad news, my love.

Well, what is it?

Well, you may wanna sit down for this.

My news is deeply upsetting, so you must be strong.

I'll try.

Well, you remember Myra?

- Ted's cousin? - Yes, indeedy.

Well, she...

She wants my bod.

I think it's great news that a girl is interested in you.

In fact, it renews my faith in miracles.

But, Laura, you don't understand.

Myra's all over me like a bum on a sandwich.

You're kidding.

Oh. Would that I were.

She calls me constantly, she writes me love letters, she even sends me presents.

She's even transferred into my English class.

- Well, what's wrong with that? - She doesn't go to our school.

Steve, I think it's sweet that Myra likes you.

Sweet?

Laura, you have no idea what it feels like...

to be constantly pestered by someone you have absolutely no interest in.

Okay, so maybe you do.

Well, Steve, why are you bothering me with this?

Well, because I've come up with a plan to get Myra off my back.

It'll only work if you give me five minutes of your time.

- What do I have to do? - Marry me.

I'll take that as a no.

Steve, I have important stuff to do. I have to put away the Tater Tots.

All right, I'll go.

But there's still one more thing I haven't told you.

Well, what is it?

Well, Myra is physically...

attractive.

So far I've been able to resist...

but I'm like a volcano inside.

Oh, lock up your daughters, Chicago.

Mount Urkel is about to erupt.

- Turn it down! - What?

Your music is too loud!

I can't hear you, the music's too loud.

What was your dad mumbling about?

- Your stereo. - What?

What's up, Weasel.

Eduardo. How do you like my man's new sound system?

- Yo, it's slamming. - Check it out.

Two 6-by-9 speakers in the door.

Word. Word.

Four 15s in the back.

Tape, CD player and digital pre-amp. Boom.

Man, it's like having Whitney Houston riding shotgun.

Yo, man, I wish I could afford something like that. My stereo bites.

No prob, Bob. Weasel took care of me, he can hook you up too.

Oh, well, you know.

I know a guy who can get stuff real cheap.

How much are you prepared to invest?

Well, 400, tops. That's my entire savings from working down at Mighty Weenie.

That's eight months of telling people, "Please talk directly into the bun."

Look, two days from now, I'm gonna get you a serious stereo. You know?

Guaranteed, the fly girls will be all over you.

All right.

- Oh, Myra. - Hello, Laura.

I was wondering if I could have a moment.

Oh, sure. Come on in.

- Can I take your coat? - Oh, no, thank you. This won't take long.

Oh. So, what's on your mind?

Steve Urkel.

The man I love.

The man you love?

That's right.

He's bright, he's witty and he's so handsome.

Are we talking about the same Steve?

Skinny guy, likes cheese, strange laugh?

He is the smartest boy I've ever met.

And I think high intelligence is very, very sexy.

You think Steve is sexy?

He stokes my furnace.

Wow, you've really got it bad.

Laura, I've explained to Steven that I'm more than willing to be his love toy.

But all he ever does is babble on and on about you.

- Myra... - Release him.

Undo that voodoo that you do so well.

Myra, I have no designs on Steve.

In fact, I'm willing to do anything to help you get him.

- Really? - Really.

Could you move to Texas?

- Eddo, this car is mighty spiffy. - Aw. Thanks, Steve.

And not only does she have eye appeal, she also has ear appeal.

Come again?

Wow, is that a new stereo?

Stereo? This is no mere stereo, Steve. This is a Master Blaster.

Let me hear my favorite radio station.

WYDL, all yodeling, all the time.

Man. Now, that dude can wail.

Look, Steve.

A Roland speaker, a pop-phase cassette receiver...

a CD changer...

a crate with four 10s and two 100-watt power amps.

Wow. You'll be deaf by summer.

Where'd you get this great stuff?

Weasel's friend got it. Gave me a great deal.

- Oh? - Yeah.

This is almost $3000 worth of equipment.

But I only paid 400 for it. Including installation.

Hmm.

What?

Well, that's an exceptionally large discount.

Well, I mean, I figure the guy gets everything

wholesale, or he buys in bulk, I don't know.

Or perhaps it was left by the Stereo Fairy.

What are you trying to say?

Aha.

- Figures. - What?

Obviously, Weasel's friend didn't wanna burden you with excessive paperwork...

because all the serial numbers have been scraped off.

- What? - Eddo, this stereo is hot.

Hey, it's my main Dad dude.

Uh-oh. Report-card time again?

Nope. Just being cool.

- Oh. - Just being me.

- Mm-hm. - Heh-heh.

- Uh... Heh-heh. - Mm-hm.

Uh... I could use a little advice on a hypothetical...

fictitious thing that never happened. Heh.

Oh, I see. Go right ahead.

Oh, okay. Okay.

All right. Uh...

Uh... Let's say a guy bought something expensive for a real low price...

and suddenly, without warning, he finds out that the stereo is stolen.

- Oh, it's a stereo? - Uh...

- Yeah. Uh-huh. - Yeah.

Anyhow, what should this completely innocent and fictitious guy do?

Edward, did you buy a stolen stereo for your car?

Yeah.

Oh, son.

- Well, Dad, I didn't know. I swear it. - All right, I believe you. Take it easy.

Well, what should I do now?

First we have to notify the police.

Well, I just did. I told you.

You're my father and a cop.

Right. And what do we do next?

Learn our lesson and forget about it?

Guess again.

You're gonna tell me who you bought it from and I'm gonna find its owner.

Oh, no, that's no good.

Excuse me?

Not only would I be getting somebody in trouble...

but I'd also be out 400 bucks.

That person deserves to be in trouble and you should have been careful with money.

- But, Dad... - No buts, Edward.

Now, that stereo is coming out of your car and down to the police station.

Oh, come on. It took me months to earn that money.

Besides, I didn't steal the equipment. If I didn't buy it, somebody else would have.

Oh, now, that's enough.

And the bottom line is, that stereo does not

belong to you. It never did, and it never will.

You know, I came to you because I wanted to be up front about this.

Oh, really, Mr. Hypothetical Fictitious Thing That Never Really Happened?

Come on, Dad, stop it.

I was hoping you'd realize that I was ripped off.

Maybe have a little sympathy for your own son and cut me a little slack.

But, no, you have to go by the book, no matter how unfair it is to me.

I wish for just once that you'd stop being a cop and start being my dad.

Oh, hello, Dr. Urkel. Is Steve there?

Your son.

Oh, hi, Steve. It's Laura.

No, you're not dreaming.

Listen, could you grab your accordion and come over here?

- I'm kind of in the mood for a little... - I came as soon as...

Uh... Hello, Myra.

Uh... Laura...

would you care to explain what's going on here?

Myra likes you, and since you like me, I knew I

could get you over here to spend time with her.

Why, of all the sneaky, underhanded tricks to pull.

You're good, baby.

Steve, just spend a few minutes with Myra.

Give her a chance. You may have something in common.

But, but, but... Laura. But, but, but...

Uh... So.

Nice accordion.

Oh, thanks.

Grashe and Lumbacker Silver Anniversary Model 2200?

Why, yes.

You sure do know your squeezeboxes, lady.

I should.

I play a little accordion myself.

Wow. The Myron Floren Polka Master.

Signed and numbered.

- Hi, Steve. - Hi, sweetums.

What's the matter? Why aren't you looking at me?

I'm not worthy of eye contact.

Why not?

Well, last night, right here, with Myra...

Yes?

Laura, I kissed her.

I know. I peeked.

But what you don't know is... I liked it.

Well, Steve, you're a man. Kind of.

And you're supposed to enjoy kissing a pretty girl.

But, Laura, it feels so wrong to be kissing another girl.

I wanna be true to my heart.

And my heart belongs to you.

- So are you gonna break it off with Myra? - Hey, I'm no fool.

We're going to the movies tonight.

Coming, babe.

Yep, tonight I'll be cuddling up with Myra at the Paradise Theater.

And while you're sitting here all alone, reading your hairdo mags...

just remember, baby, it could have been you.

- You want it to be you? - Nope.

Just checking. Coming, babe.

Eddie, do you think I can get lucky with Krissy Oliver?

Weasel, I'm dating her.

Exactly. That's why I'm asking you.

You know, you're already on thin ice for selling me that hot stereo.

I told you, I didn't know the stuff was stolen.

Mm-hm.

- Man, I'm shocked and appalled. - Hmm.

I mean, it's getting so you can't even trust a "Pssst, over here" guy.

Shut up and get in the car.

What car?

Oh, my God.

Where's my...?

Where's my car?

- Weasel, Weasel, where's my car? - Do I look like I have it?

Oh, man. I don't believe this.

I've been robbed.

- Hey, Dad. - What's the matter?

My car's been stolen.

Quick, call for backup. Put out an APB. Get a helicopter.

- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure.

We parked it here 10 minutes ago.

Gee, it happened just that fast?

- Man, this is terrible. - Pfft. I'll say.

I left my new hat in that car.

ABC you.

Dad, quick, call the cops.

Relax, son. Your car is not stolen.

It's down at the precinct.

The guys are taking out that hot stereo.

That's a relief. I mean, I'd be lost without my ride.

- Scared you? - Worse.

I mean, I felt scared, angry and helpless all at the same time.

Really?

You know, I bet that's exactly how the owner of that stereo felt...

when it got ripped off from him.

You got me, Dad.

You don't have to hit me over the head.

Good. Because that's what I was gonna try next.

You know, son, it's a funny thing about hot property.

You never think about the victim until you become one.

Got you.

Edward, I know that you think I'm too hard on you.

Sometimes.

It would be easy for me to be easy on you.

But believe me, I would not be doing you a favor.

I guess.

You know something, I gotta give you credit for one thing.

You came to me and you told me what you did.

Now, I know that was tough.

Oh, 400 bucks, Dad.

Gone.

But I guess I did learn a lesson.

I mean, maybe that was worth more in the long run.

Oh, my gosh, this is amazing.

What?

You are growing up.

Hi, girls.

Oh, hi. Look who's here, the blushing bride.

- So how's married life treating you? - Honey, I have no idea.

- Why not? - Well, we haven't finished the honeymoon.

I don't think I should be hearing this.

Harriette, are you ready to plant the tulip bulbs?

Sure, as soon as we finish here.

Go ahead. I'll finish putting away the groceries.

Thanks, honey.

Thank you for coming over. I really appreciate your help.

Oh, that's exactly why we got the apartment so close.

So that I could see my family.

You know, I haven't been over lately...

because Fletcher and I have been cuddling up so much.

Where is Fletcher?

He needed a nap.