Original subtitles

Happy New Year, Chris!

CHRIS ROCK: New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy

because it gave everybody

a chance to make new resolutions.

Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them.

Not my mother.

This year, I'm going to stop yelling at my children.

No, you're not!

Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Not my sister.

This year I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Yes, you will.

ROCHELLE: Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Chris did it!!

Not my father.

I'm going to stop worrying about money.

Stop lying!

Chris, close that door!

You just let out 86 cent worth of refrigeration.

Not my brother.

This year, I'm not going to take any more girls from Chris.

We'll see about that.

That's so sweet, Drew.

Who's Chris?

I'm Chris. You came in with me.

But I was going to be different.

(alarm buzzing)

Last year, this is how I celebrated New Year's Eve.

(noisemaker honks)

So I made a resolution that my next New Year's Eve

would be different.

So, you doing anything special for New Year's Eve, Chris?

I'm going down to Times Square to watch the ball drop.

Times Square? You crazy?

The only people down there are drunks and pickpockets.

I don't care, it's the biggest New Year's celebration on Earth

and I live 20 minutes from it and I haven't been.

Well...(noisemaker honks),

I sell New Year's, I don't celebrate it.

Why not?

Because anything could happen.

You remember when Michael Jackson

got his hair caught on fire?

I bet you any money he celebrated New Year's.

And look what happened.

If I get through tonight, I'll celebrate tomorrow.

Doc was the only person I knew who celebrated

Old New Year's Eve.

Is your mama going to let you go down there?

I don't see why not.

All I got to do is ask.

Ma, can I go to Times Square

to watch the ball drop? No.

Happy New Year!

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK: I wanted to be in Times Square

when the clock struck midnight, but I struck out.

Come on, ma, why not?

I mean all we do is stay up till 11:59,

say, "Happy New Year," blow a noisemaker,

and then go to sleep.

I want to do something different.

Like what? Get drunk,

rip your shirt off in the freezing cold

and have the cops arrest you

and spend the first day of the new year in jail?

Who wants to do that? Lindsay Lohan!

Well, obviously, you do.

That's what happens to people who go to Times Square.

I just want to see the ball drop.

You can't go with me?

I don't have the time, Chris.

I got to soak my black eyed peas,

I got to pull my greens, I got to clean them...

She's a bale of cotton away

from setting us back 300 years.

Why do you have to do all that stuff every year anyway?

It's a tradition, Chris. It's for good luck.

There's a reason black people think vegetables are lucky.

They're coming, quick, hide behind these greens.

(dogs bark)

Should've ate some greens before I came and asked you.

Ooh, you better watch your mouth

unless you want to get smacked into the new year.

Drew, Tonya, get in here!

Okay, here's the list.

Make sure you get everything.

Can I stay up and watch Rocking New Year's Eve?

The Jets are on.

The football team?

No, they're a singing group.

They're just like the Jacksons, only Samoan.

Oh, fine, but just hurry up, and, Drew,

do not forget the kitty litter.

Okay.

Meanwhile, my father was on a bridge over troubled water.

Hey, what's going on up there?

Some idiot's threatening to jump off the bridge.

Why couldn't he jump off the Triborough?

We're going to be out here all day.

What?

Man, I'm trying to get home.

While Tonya was planning on staying up,

Drew was planning on taking her down.

* I've got a crush on you *

I don't know why you're singing.

You know you're going to fall asleep before the Jets come on.

You never make it past 10:00.

I bet you I do tonight.

I bet you don't. How much?

If you fall asleep, you owe me 20 bucks.

And if you fall asleep, I'm going

to glue your hand to your face.

I don't see how since you won't have

money for glue. (chuckles)

Meanwhile, if I wanted to keep my resolution,

it was going to take some resolve.

Mom... No, Chris.

But I made one resolution and that was to go to Times Square.

That's not my fault.

But it's my resolution.

Is that what you want for me,

to end up in prison?

What?

I'm just saying, I made a resolution

and if I accept no for an answer,

that means I accept defeat.

Then I'll fall into a crowd of people

who have no hopes or dreams, and eventually,

I end up in the wrong place at the wrong time

doing the wrong thing and that ends in prison.

Well, can you find somebody else to take you?

I can try.

Get out of here, boy.

Back on the bridge, a man was suicidal

and my father wanted to kill him.

What are you doing up here, man?

Do you know you got traffic backed up

all the way to exit the Lincoln Tunnel?

It's New Year's Eve!

People are trying to get home.

I can't do anything right.

So you think you can fix that by jumping off a bridge?

Give me one good reason I shouldn't.

He shouldn't have said that.

What if everybody who ever had a problem

jumped off a bridge?

Geraldine Ferraro could've been

our country's first female Vice President,

but her party lost.

She didn't jump off a bridge.

Nelson Mandela's been in jail for over 20 years.

He didn't jump off a bridge.

Ivan Lendl got stomped by Boris Becker at Wimbledon.

Didn't jump off a bridge.

Trevor Berbick, (chuckles) he got knocked out

by Mike Tyson in less than five minutes.

He didn't jump off a bridge!

Jermaine Jackson got kicked out of the Jacksons.

My father was on the bridge,

and soon after, he was on the air.

What? Now?!

Quick, turn on the TV.

Your father is on! He stopped some guy

from jumping off the George Washington Bridge.

Okay, I'll call you back.

What channel? All three of them.

JULIUS: Jermaine Jackson got kicked out of the Jacksons.

He didn't jump off a bridge.

Julius, you're a real hero.

You saved a life, but more importantly,

you got traffic moving again.

Back to you at the studio.

The Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908.

They didn't jump off a bridge.

James Earl Jones lost the Oscar

for his performance in The Great White Hope.

He didn't jump off a bridge.

No. Trevor Berbick got knocked out

by Mike Tyson in less than five minutes.

He did not jump off a bridge.

Oh, my God, your father's a star.

Wow!

Did he jump off a bridge? No.

Well, Julius, you're just full of--

Remember that movie, Top Gun?

While my dad was getting off the bridge,

I was trying to get out of the house.

I can't believe your dad saved a guy.

That's so cool.

You know, if that guy had been a girl, he'd be so in there.

Another one of Greg's pickup techniques.

If you stop a girl from killing herself,

she might go out with you.

Listen, what you doing tonight?

Well, my mom's got a new boyfriend, he's Asian.

They're talking about going down to Times Square.

What about you?

Times Square, are you serious?

I've been trying to find somebody to take me

'cause my mom can't do it.

Why don't you just come with us?

Let me check with my mom, I'll call you right back.

All right, I'll talk to you.

Ma, that was Greg.

His mom is taking him down to Times Square.

You think I could go with them?

Greg? I guess that's okay.

Thanks.

Go get me some water.

(laughs)

(phone ringing)

Hello? Dude, it's Greg.

What'd she say? I got some bad news.

They're going to celebrate New Year's Eve,

but it's not in Times Square, it's in Tiananmen Square.

And it's not tonight, it's the Chinese New Year.

So it's not till February.

But she said you can still come if you want.

To China? No, I don't think I'll be able to make it.

Sorry, dude.

Too bad I didn't make a New Year's resolution

to be depressed.

CHRIS ROCK: Since Greg didn't come through in the clutch,

I decided to see who could come through on the block.

I tried Risky.

My mom said if I can find a responsible adult to take me

I can go down to Times Square.

Aw, sorry, man, I can't.

I've got to deliver some time-sensitive products.

What type of products?

(chuckles): 1986 calendars.

I tried Mr. Omar.

I'm sorry, Chris, I can't take you.

For an undertaker, New Year's Eve is like

the day before the after Christmas sale.

People act like drunken fools tonight, and dead tomorrow.

Tragic, tragic!

(engine starts)

I even tried Kill Moves.

I had to start using the word "responsible" loosely.

Kill Moves, wake up.

I'm awake, I just got my eyes closed.

I'm testing their opacity.

What do you need?

I was wondering if you wanted to go with me tonight

to see the ball drop in Times Square.

I would love to!

But I can't see through my eyelids,

so I don't see what the point would be.

Hey, hey, Chris? Chris?

That New Year's Eve, my father was on TV more than Dick Clark.

Hey, look, there's Dad on TV again!

JULIUS: So, I climbed up the girder

to where the guy was sitting and I said,

"What if everybody who ever had a problem jumped off a bridge?"

Climbed up a girder?

To keep from falling asleep,

Tonya got herself a secret weapon.

Instant coffee.

For staying awake, it's the next best thing to crack.

Hey, Tonya, come watch Dad on TV.

I am, I just got to go to the bathroom first.

The Chicago Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908.

They didn't jump off a bridge.

Dad's on TV again?

Yeah, before he talked that guy down,

he had to climb up to the top of the bridge to do it.

It was so cool.

No, that was not cool, it was crazy.

It was crazy-cool!

We're here at Chris' house where we've secretly replaced

the fine coffee they usually serve with Folgers Crystals.

Let's see if anyone can tell the difference.

Maybe that wasn't Folgers!

Chris, did you find somebody to take you to Times Square?

Not yet. You think Dad could take me?

Oh, well, go climb up a bridge and maybe he'll come get you.

(phone rings) Give me that.

Hello?

Hey, honey, it's me.

Where are you?

I just got off an interview.

It's crazy!

This morning I was just coming home from work and--

I know what you've been doing, it's all over the news.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What? I just talked a man down from--

No, you didn't just talk a man down.

You just climbed up onto a girder to talk a man down.

While you were up there saving his life,

did you think about your family?

I mean, what if that fool would've jumped

and took you with him?

Did you think about that?

I saved his life.

And you almost got yourself killed.

Your son needed you, and you were out there

on top of the George Washington Bridge.

Needed me for what?

You know what?

I'm not even gonna deal with this.

Chris, it's for you.

It's Spider-Man.

If he doesn't come home soon, she's gonna be the Black Widow.

Hey, Dad, I was wondering if you could take me down

to Times Square to see the ball drop tonight.

Yeah, man, I'd love to...

All right, cool, I'll go get ready.

I'd love to, but I can't.

I have to go downtown with the mayor

and get the key to the city.

Then dinner with Batman.

I probably won't be back in time.

The traffic's still pretty bad out here.

Why don't you get your mother to take you?

Just because I can't go to Times Square tonight,

am I gonna jump off a bridge?

When I realized my resolution wasn't going to work out,

I decided to make a new one-- no more resolutions.

(knock on door)

Hey, baby, what you doing?

Getting ready for tonight.

Well, I'm sorry you couldn't find anybody to go with.

Maybe next year.

Yeah.

Tasha is downstairs.

Hey, Chris.

I saw your dad on TV.

That was really brave, what he did.

Yeah, I guess.

What's wrong? Nothing. I was just

hoping my dad could take me to Times Square tonight,

but he's all tied up with these interviews.

I'm going to Times Square tonight

with my mom and Malvo.

Why don't you come with us?

I don't think she'll let me.

Why not?

You know why.

Well, you can at least ask.

Ma! Can I go to Times Square with Tasha, Peaches and Malvo?

ROCHELLE: Hell, no!

(humming)

(pounding on door)

While my mother got ready for New Years,

Peaches got ready to rumble.

How come you won't let Chris go to Times Square with me?

Well, hello, Peaches.

You know what, Rochelle? If we are gonna be friends,

at some point you are gonna have to learn how to trust me.

Mmm... Now, I'll trust you with some clothes,

but trusting you with my children, that's another thing.

Not to Britney Spears.

Oh! Huh.

And why is that?

You know why.

No, no, no, no. Say it. Say it.

No, no, no. Say it. I want to hear you say it.

Um... you're an ex-convict.

Oh, my God, she said it.

She said it.

Rochelle, what you think I'ma do?

I got it!

Drive the car, Chris. Drive the car! Drive the car!

(tires squealing) Drive the car!

Peaches, I don't have to give you a reason.

Rochelle, you know what?

My parole officer said I am proof that the system works.

I am a new me.

I have learned from my mistakes.

I have paid my debt to society.

And you want to open a new line of credit with my child.

Well, if not yours, then whose? Mine?

She got to go with me.

Now, how am I supposed to feel

improved and empowered by that?

Peaches, this is not about you.

Yes, it is. You not not letting him go with somebody else.

Peaches, it's dangerous down there.

Rochelle, don't you think I know that?

That's why I got Malvo coming.

Oh, that's nice-- another ex-convict!

Ex! Ex, Rochelle.

That means "former."

"Used to be."

"Not currently."

And you know what?

This is what's really, 'cause it makes me...

and I'm gonna be upset about this now.

If you won't let me move on, then it's only a matter of time

before I become an accomplice all over again.

Now, do you want that on your head?

Peaches.

Please, girl. Look, we gonna follow the rules.

We'll cross at the green not between.

We won't jump any turnstiles.

Even though that is a family tradition.

And, listen, Tasha really, really wants Chris to go.

You know, they'll have fun.

We'll be careful. I promise.

Fine.

What you say?

Fine.

Okay, girl, I'll see you later. Chris!

Your mother said you could go, boy!

Hurry up before she change her mind!

Bye, girl.

All right, then.

Happy New Year.

Okay, Chris.

Now, with all the traffic and the people,

you won't get home till early in the morning,

but you're gonna be the first male

to walk through the door for the New Year.

So, here's $20.

Keep it in your wallet.

That's to bring us luck and good fortune

for the rest of the year.

You got it.

Okay. Oh, I love you, baby.

(loud smooching) Mmm.

Be safe.

Be careful.

(people cheering, music playing)

Even though my resolution was coming to pass,

it didn't matter when it came to the cops.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

I'm sorry, folks, we're at capacity. All right?

We got over two million people in there now.

Capacity? It's Times Square.

Well, what difference is four more people gonna make?

We came all the way from Bed-Stuy.

Well, you should've came earlier.

Now step back.

Oh. Ah! No, no, no, no, baby.

No, no, no. If I wasn't on parole,

I swear. Where's my...

What are we gonna do now?

Maybe we should find a bar or something

and watch it on TV. Nah!

Nah, we seeing this ball drop.

I know what to do.

I'll be right back.

Come on, come on, come over here.

(gunshot, Peaches shrieking)

They're shooting! They're shooting!

Officer! Officer! (gunshot)

White man with a gun!

It looked like Chevy Chase! He's over there!

He's over there?

He's over there! He's...

Come on, y'all, let's go.

Who's shooting?

PEACHES: Ain't nobody shooting, boy. Come on.

CHRIS: I heard some gunshots!

MALVO: Come on, baby, yeah.

While we were trying to get into Times Square,

my dad was trying to get through traffic.

Come on, people!

(horn honking)

My father had the key to the city,

but it couldn't open gridlock.

Back home, Tonya was awake and Drew had glue on his face.

Girl, would you stop all that hopping up and help me

put these bags in the window?

Do you think Daddy's gonna make it home before midnight?

I hope so.

(music playing on TV)

* You found out

TONYA: * I've got a crush on you...

While Tonya's heart was beating a mile a minute,

my dad was driving at the same rate of speed.

MAN (over radio): That was "I've Got a Crush on You" by The Jets,"

helping to bring in the new year,

(horn honks)

Get outta the way!

(noisemakers tooting)

I never really believed in things

like New Year's resolutions,

but for the first time in my life,

I remember thinking that dreams can come true.

(on TV): Once again, it's New Year's Eve in Times Square.

Happy New Year from all of us.

CROWD: Ten!

Nine!

Eight!

(Tonya laughing)

Seven!

Six!

Five!

Four!

Three!

Two!

One!

Happy New Year!

(fusillade of gunfire, glass shattering)

(noisemakers tooting)

(cheering, noisemakers tooting)

(gunfire continues) Happy New Year, baby!

Happy New Year!

(cheering)

* Should old acquaintance be forgot *

* And never brought to mind...

Kissing Tasha on New Year's Eve was amazing.

My only fear was that

I was gonna turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

* In days of auld lang syne

* For auld lang syne, my dear

* For auld lang syne

* We'll take a cup of kindness yet *

* For the sake of auld lang syne. *

Chris. So, how did it go?

Great. It was the best night of my life.

Did you have any problems? No.

Did anybody get arrested? No.

Detained? No.

Searched? No.

Questioned?

No. It was perfect.

Damn. I forgot the first guy in the house

supposed to have money in his pocket.

No, no, no, no, baby, I already took care of that.

I made sure you were in the house before midnight,

and before Chris left, I gave him $20

to ensure that we would have luck and good fortune

for the rest of the year.

Just in case the black-eyed peas don't work.

So now, if you will kindly give me my $20 back

so we can get this year started.

Boy, don't play with me. Give me my money.

Hey, y'all. Sorry to bother you.

I let myself in.

Peaches needed me to come through the door

with some money in my pocket since I was gonna

be the first man through the door

after midnight, so I pickpocketed Chris.

Anyway, I just wanted

to give you back... your wallet.

Happy New Year!

(noisemaker blares)

He was supposed to have that money in his pocket.

And now we're gonna have bad luck

for the rest of the year.

Great.

Happy New Year!

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org