Original subtitles

I talked to Jenny McAullife today.

Lord, why?

She cornered me.

What did you guys talk about?

I don't even remember.

She was going on and on about something really boring,

like a family car trip, and she was just so excited.

It was so weird.

It's not like she was talking about a new boyfriend

or seeing her favorite band.

She was just psyched.

Like high on life.

Yeah, war, child abuse, poverty, disease,

life gets me wasted.

And I was thinking,

I've never been that excited about anything and I'm like 17.

It's only gonna get lamer and more boring from here.

People who are that happy are insane.

We're doomed.

Well peeps, it's Friday and you are all set

for another weekend.

Yeah, that's slammin'.

And while most of you will do the right thing

like doing homework and going to church,

some of you will be putting your futures

and your very lives at stake.

Yes, homeboys and girls, I'm talking about partying.

Check your head, and don't believe the hype.

It's no difference if it's brewskies or the kind herb,

coke, crank, smack, LSD, PCP,

model airplane glue, vaginal, oral, or anal.

It all leads to the same place.

Jail, the hospital or the graveyard.

For reals.

Holla if ya hear me.

Has Mrs. Feen ever even had sex?

So let's all give it up and turn it loose

and watch these three short educational films,

You Booze, You Lose,

The BloodStained Cell Phone,

and Conchita Has Genital Warts.

Hall lockers,

true windows to the soul. Ugly dykes.

These are the innocent, carefree good times

we'll remember the rest of our lives.

Pain is weakness leaving the body?

So what, if you get run over by a car it makes you stronger?

Or what about getting bone cancer?

I hear that's painful.

You'd be hella strong then.

He's cute.

You're worse than my mother.

He'd do it with you and then laugh

and send all his friends pictures.

Can't I even look?

They can't be all bad.

Y'know, we should be lesbians.

I can't do the wardrobe.

Also that partner word.

Yuck, Partner sounds like you work

at a law firm or co-own a muffin shop.

Muffin shop.

Yo, what did one lesbian vampire

say to the other lesbian vampire?

We don't care.

See you next month.

Well, that's my cue.

Talk to you later. See ya.

Yo.

You know what your problem is?

Did I consent to this conversation?

You think you smarter than everybody.

'Cause you all serious all the time

and 'cause I always clowning and whatevs,

you think I'm not thoughtful and shit.

Well, yes.

But my shit is deep, though.

And how deep would that shit be?

Yo, check this.

So I used to wonder so few black people are serial killers.

But then I figured it out.

The whole thing about being a serial killer

is that cops leave 'em alone so you do it again and again.

Jeffrey Dahmer's got some rotten dead guy in his freezer

cops come over, well Mr. Dahmer,

we've had some complaints about a smell,

but looks like everything's fine here.

Why don't you get back to skull fucking

that corpse you just warmed up in the microwave.

Brother can't do that.

Black man walkin' down the street,

the cops go hey hey what's your name?

Show me some ID, get in the car,

we're gonna beat your ass

until you confess to something you ain't done.

There ain't no time to pick up 20 girls

on the street and make hooker soup out of 'em.

Police be on a brother's ass every other week.

Stevie, do you actually know any black people?

No.

But you know why?

'Cause it's a racist conspiracy.

Oh hang on, you got something on your face.

Okay, that was cute, but I'm going this way,

and you're going that way.

No worries, no bigness.

Tell your Mama she was on her game the day she made you.

You a fine little meow meow.

Meow meow.

French philosopher Octave Mirbeau

once wrote the universe appears to me like an immense,

inexorable torture garden.

Do you agree or disagree and why?

I feel this is a trick question.

Life is torture for everyone who's not stupid or super rich.

But that answer will make you think that I am someone

who will spend their whole time at school

starting campus protests.

So,

no, I disagree.

The universe is a beautiful place full of laughing babies

and puppies that fart rainbows.

Describe the world

within 100 feet of you right now.

Okay.

Well, there's my dad, who is probably peeing.

My dad seems to be peeing a lot these days.

Perhaps he is pregnant.

My teddy bear Lionel.

The vibrator I ordered online

using my elderly neighbor's name

so if my dad opened the box I could just say

the mailman made a mistake.

My custom magic 8 ball that only gives me answers I like.

And a sweaty fat chick

sitting at a computer who really hopes she gets into college

so she can escape this butthole of a town

before it eats her alive.

Please attach a photo of yourself.

Aren't I old enough for grown-up food?

I don't have time to make two meals.

You,

you need chew food.

I am.

No, you need chew more.

40 times every bite.

Digest properly.

Food expand in stomach, get stuck in intestine for weeks.

Even months.

If that were true, wouldn't people just explode?

Don't be sassy.

40 times.

One, two, three,

four, five.

See?

Six, seven, eight.

Nine, 10, 11. No chew?

Do you have any mints?

My mom will shit if she smells this on me.

Nolo problemo.

I bow downeth before thee, noble knave.

Oh, show's starting.

Isn't it cool when you see

two ugly people totally in love?

How do you know they're in love?

They're probably both married

and met on fatsoswannahaveanaffair.com.

Come on, he adores her.

Cooking her dinner.

Yeah, so he can hit that droopy behind after.

You mean right now.

I feel bad we're watching.

Not too bad, obviously.

It's biological 'cause he puts out chemicals

in the air that go into her brain

and they make her feel all lovey dovey.

I saw a TV show about it.

So that's why people fall in love?

That's what people write books and songs and poetry about?

Chemicals?

The way we smell?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, I dunno.

Okay, now I feel bad for watching.

Oh my god, how does that even work?

I think we're venturing into can't be unseen

territory. No.

As you know, the recent gangland style murders

at nearby Pettitville Elementary School have given

everyone in our community. Did you do

your college essays yet?

No, my mom's paying someone to do it.

A pro, some guy she found on the internet.

Luckily, the School Board, along with Coach Greene,

using his position as head

of Morgansfield Volunteer Militia,

have agreed upon a plan to keep

us all safe at this unstable time.

Stevie D tried to kiss me.

When? After school.

That plan involves arming

and training our janitorial staff.

What? Sometimes I am glad I'm ugly

so I don't have d-bags hitting on me.

You're not ugly.

You'll always be more popular than me.

If we didn't have ballet class together when we were seven,

we wouldn't be friends now. Staff can become

the good guys with the guns.

See, what's that? Hey.

You gonna go be all cool without me?

Our head janitor and newly named

Chief of School Security, Jaime Jimenez.

Does this pity party have a dress code?

Just stop.

What if I don't wanna stop? I love the students

in this school.

But even more, I love to be crime stopping hero

shooting the bad guys.

Thanks you for this opportunity to live my dreams.

And go tigers.

Next on Knocked Up Castaways,

Bree is 32 weeks and finds the last coconut on St. Marcos.

Janet, what's a five letter word for mistake?

Starts with a B?

I don't know.

Dad, do we have any ice cream?

I ate the last.

Thanks.

Well there's peppermint cake.

From like two years ago, I hate peppermint cake.

I know.

That's why it's still there, I guess.

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of the menstrual cycle. Boner.

What?

Boner, the word.

Boner?

That's the word?

Yes, Dad.

Boner.

The security question

is what was your favorite teacher's name?

If my memory was that good

I wouldn't have forgotten my stupid password to begin with.

Prettygirl68.

You only have two password.

Oh great,

now the person at the door knows it, too.

You worry too much.

Nobody steal like that. And all Christmas music

is made in September.

Tricking or treating?

Is Kat home?

She not home.

Can I help you with something?

We were supposed to do homework together.

Do you know where she is?

It Halloween.

She probably out there frightening

little children and old people.

You want wait?

You know, you have pretty face.

Looking at you,

I am thinking we can do something very nice together.

You might not like it at start,

but it will make you feel very, very good.

I show you.

First time, no problem.

No, I really don't... Come on, it won't take long.

There is room in basement.

Is very good for burning fat.

Okay, you try.

Wait, wait.

It's not bad time of month, no?

No.

Oh, good.

Never exercise during that time, never.

Also, no camping, okay?

The smell, it attract bear and wolf from miles away.

You sure enough dead.

It's okay, Asians don't camp really.

Interesting.

Please.

You do 20. 20?

Yes.

I've never done one.

Okay. Come on.

Yeah, you can do it.

Come on.

Burn the baby fat, burn it.

That hurts.

In my country, women have to be tough like boys.

Is that to fight the bears?

I am more traditional American guy.

I take care of money.

She stay home and be pretty.

Whoa.

Easy there, Mike Tyson, it's just exercise.

Woo.

You're a fast learner.

Whoa, whoa, got an invite?

Yo dog, I'm a s'more.

Selling grams to crackers, you feel me?

Come on, man, no invite, no party.

Oh, come on man, help a brother out.

Get outta here.

Next.

Jesus, are you stalking me?

Sometimes not that much difference

between extra friendly and criminal.

Nice costume.

Who you supposed to be?

I'm a Roy Lichtenstein painting.

Lichtenstein, he's good.

Can you sneak me in?

No.

Come on, we'll go in together, it'll be super easy.

I don't want to go back in, it's boring.

Well then at least could you let me

took on that boom shaka laka.

That's good, that relaxes me.

I can see that.

You know how like you can

bring a dog on a plane now without being blind?

You just need like a letter from your doctor

that says it helps you relax.

What kind of shit is that?

Helps you relax.

You know what helps me relax?

A bong and a big booty stripper.

They don't let me bring that on a plane, though.

Strippers, huh?

You can't even get into a high school party,

how do you get let in a strip club?

What are you kids doing here?

We live here.

Brandon's our brother.

He kicked us out until the party's over.

They're using my room for corn oil wrestling.

Where are your parents?

In Costa Rica.

I wanna go to bed.

Why don't you guys talk

to those nice men over there, okay?

They'll put you to bed.

My bro sneaks me into Sugars in Middlefield.

Told 'em I was 25.

They bought it, too.

25?

Is it a strip club for the blind?

Unicorn, freeze!

High protein.

Doesn't Kat's mom have a business?

She did.

In Graysville, a vintage used pillow shop.

What happened to it?

Bedbugs.

People kept returning pillows

with rash on side of face,

red bites on the neck, internet reviews not so good.

Yeesh.

Diane, very rich lady,

not so smart at financials.

When Vigara was coming out, she invested in Spanish Fly.

Nothing you need to understand.

She is foolish to stay at work.

Women are good at certain things, feelings, love, worrying.

Men are good at other things.

Money, killing, growing beard.

Creating amazing technologies

that will eventually destroy us all.

Yes.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Girl, why you frontin'?

You wet as a mermaid.

Do you have a condom?

Chill baby, I got my golden ticket.

Are you sure it's on right?

It's all good, all right?

It's all good.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

That's it, yeah.

Oh, you nasty.

Oh, oh, oh, atta boy.

That's mama's home cookin' right there.

Get the groceries, get the groceries.

Are you done?

Yeah, baby.

Like a ninja.

Lightning fast with deadly skill.

Oh.

I know, you're welcome.

What are you kids, oh my God.

Just get your clothes on and get out of my car

before I call the police.

Are these yours or mine? These are mine.

Oh come on, you knew I didn't have no car.

You loved it.

No, I can't say that I did.

And you cannot tell anyone about this.

Jesus, are you psycho?

Dude, where were you?

Don't call me dude.

I'm not your bro and it's not 4:20.

What happened to your face?

What were you doing?

Just trying to be normal.

You should try it sometime.

We were supposed to do homework.

Did you go to that party?

Yeah, it was heinous anus.

Be glad you weren't invited.

You suck.

Yeah, I probably do.

It's her.

What?

Bathroom now.

Is it true?

You had sex with Smallie Smalls?

Why?

I don't know.

You have failed me.

Town bike?

And look how he spells Mayonnaise.

Fuckin' retard.

Who else has seen this?

Well I've seen it, and I'm always last.

Okay, what do I do?

Go home.

Go to the nurse, say you have bad cramps.

I don't get my period for another two weeks.

She's not gonna check. Right, right.

I'm never gonna live this down.

Maybe there'll be a shooting later

and people will forget all about this.

♪ Banjo I'm plunkin' ♪

♪ My flow is sky high ♪

♪ Yours is like a munchkin ♪

♪ That ass I be lovin ♪ ♪ Hey! ♪

Hey, that is enough.

I'll kill you, you fat bitch.

Janet, we have a zero tolerance policy

towards bullying at Morgansfield High.

He humiliated my friend.

Your friend and her boyfriend here

having a little lover's spat is no excuse for violence.

No, no, no.

And perhaps your friend should think twice

about announcing to the whole school

her personal matters the way she did.

We are going to be watching your every move, young lady.

Now, I want you both to stand up.

Come on, stand up.

Look at each other.

Now apologize.

Do it!

I sorry.

I also sorry.

Now hug.

What?

You heard me.

I'm gonna kill you! Ow!

I swear to god you're gonna be dead.

Oh my god.

Janet, you're a smart girl and a good student.

I think what we are dealing with here

is bigger than a little student altercation.

Now I think what we're dealing with here

is a medical problem.

Let's see if we can deal with this

without too much trouble, shall we?

Dad, what's all this crap?

A man from the school came by.

Brought you your medicine.

Says it'll help you with your grades.

Who came by?

A medicine salesman, a doctor.

This is stupid.

I'm not gonna take it.

Sweetie, you have to.

If you wanna stay in school, that's what the man said.

Fuck.

And in the 1980s,

America gained its greatest leader of the 20th Century.

And that would be?

Ronald Reagan.

Correct.

Ronald Reagan is the president who deregulated the banks,

allowing this country to enjoy unprecedented

corporate growth and prosperity.

He also vetoed dangerous legislation

like the Clean Air Act that would have crippled

American industry in the name of the unproven

health risks of air pollution. Ow.

Is there a problem back there?

No. Well,

perhaps you should go to the principal's office

if you're going to be disrupting class like this.

Ronald Reagan also created tremendous business opportunities

by allowing the CIA to funnel cocaine into urban areas,

allowing young African American entrepreneurs

to create what?

Crack cocaine.

Yes, crack.

Very good.

I don't think this bus stop is active anymore.

Oh, I'm just counting cars.

Ford Focus.

Is this some kind of YouTube thing?

Subaru Outback.

YouTube?

Oh, right, no.

It's a long story.

If you're worried about your safety, I won't be here long.

My name is Rian.

R-I-A-N.

Sorry, I'm tripping or something.

Tripping?

On drugs?

Do you need a doctor?

No, doctor gave them to me.

So, why are you in a space?

Janet?

Would you like to go on a walk with me?

I didn't tell you my name.

Yes you did, just right before we shook hands.

Sure.

Oh, wow.

Look at this.

I thought these guys would have all been killed off

by pesticides by now.

Make a wish.

Don't tell me or it won't come true.

Aren't you hot in that suit?

Well, there's germs out there

that could be dangerous.

May not have the immunity, don't wanna risk it.

Do you believe in UFOs?

If aliens are visiting us,

why is it always in some cowboy town in New Mexico?

Wouldn't they want to go to the UN or something?

Well, maybe because they're not aliens.

They're us trying to hide.

What, like secret government junk?

It's a mistake.

That's why they never hang out.

The closest galaxy that could support life is the Andromeda,

which is over two million light years away.

That's two million years of travel.

That's shitloads hella far.

They would have to leave before humans even existed.

Even with faster than light travel,

which is still theoretical, even with a Krasnikov tube,

they'd come back home in five years

and 5000 years would have passed.

All your friends long dead, nobody remembers you.

And for what, Big Mac?

The Grand Canyon, maybe?

Not really worth the trip, don't you think?

You lost me, dude.

People think time is this.

But it's like this.

Different times running parallel,

and sometimes they run into each other.

So, you're from the future now?

What makes insane people always wanna talk to me?

Should I scowl more? Did you ever do something

that changed the whole course

of your life from that moment on?

Or when things get weird

and you think who's life is this?

Maybe you just slipped

into one of your alternate time lines.

You mean like right now?

I'm time traveling?

Well, sure.

We're all time travelers.

One, two,

three, four.

There we go, traveling through time into the future.

I think I'm too high for any of this.

You're just a side effect anyway.

I'm imagining you.

Ow.

You sure I'm not real?

I think I should be going home now.

I'm trippin' my tits off.

I've never been outside so long.

I feel sort of exposed.

Janet.

Janet.

Time to get up, kiddo.

Hey.

Thanks for remembering I exist.

Sorry, I'm freaking out.

Can't decide which rad party to go to?

I'm pregnant.

What?

Are you sure?

I took the test.

No way, I thought loser face used a condom.

I think he didn't, he just said he did.

How hard do you want me to hit him this time?

No, he can't know.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, I'm thinking about keeping it.

Yeah, 'cause every kid wants

to be born to a 17 year old and some random douchebag.

No, that's the point.

Maybe I can be the world's worst mom ever.

Name it Hitler, cover it with prison tattoos,

really go all out with it like an art project.

You've had better ideas.

If I go to the clinic, will you come with me?

My mom can't know.

Her and Vlad will fucking flip.

Yes, stupid questioner.

Can you come over?

And bring ice cream?

Maybe.

♪ I was there I heard the crackling of the palms ♪

♪ He came upstairs ♪ Whoa.

Was that Mr. Muckles?

Uh huh.

It's a miracle.

I've known you 10 years and I've seen that cat like twice.

Maybe it's a bad sign.

Two coats of paint and they still glow.

Deadly radiation killing us both.

Childhood refusing to leave

even when asked nicely.

Ms. Nuemann? One second.

I'm going to take you to the see the doctor now.

Is there anything you'd like to say or any second thoughts?

No.

Do you have a ride home?

And you don't have any allergies to medication?

No, just peanut butter.

There are no peanuts involved in the procedure.

Dr. Blake?

Hello, Katrine.

You can't tell my mom about this.

My work here at the Woman's Clinic is private and separate

from my job as your family pediatrician.

I won't tell your mother.

Y'know, I will never get over my patients becoming adults.

Seems like sooner every year.

Sorry.

I have eight year olds menstruating.

Yikes.

I blame Fruit Roll-Ups.

Anyway,

how are you?

Okay.

Nervous.

We're give you a mild sedative, that should help.

Are you gonna get me hopped up on goofballs, Dr. Blake?

No.

No goofballs today, I'm afraid.

Now Katrine, what we are about to do is safe and legal.

State law does not require your parental consent

or their knowledge of this procedure.

However, due to recent changes in federal law,

a police officer is required to be here

every time I do a procedure

on an unmarried patient under 21.

At your cervix.

Quack, quack.

Hello, Katrine.

You're gonna feel a little pressure, like a tummy ache.

How's that sedative working?

That's a good girl.

Almost done.

Almost.

Three feet back, folks, that's the law.

Three feet back.

You killed your baby, you whore!

Shut up!

You're going to go to hell. Shut up!

Murderer, murderer!

I'm never having sex again or anything else.

Ever again.

It's all gonna be fine.

The definition of a traitor is someone

who betrays a country or a sacred institution.

A traitor is especially dangerous

because they destroy from where?

From within.

History has given us many famous traitors

whose treacherous deeds have killed

and corrupted untold lives.

Judas, Benedict Arnold,

Mata Hari, Jane Fonda.

But none so deadly as the man

you probably have already heard of,

a dictator whose face and name shall live in infamy.

A man who, not so long ago, a whole nation of wayward,

supposedly civilized people supported and even championed

despite his evil, evil deeds.

William Jefferson Clinton.

How can they send you to sex rehab

when you've barely had sex?

I hate growing up.

Your mother's the devil.

She's not that bad. Fine.

The devil's doula, then.

Your mother's crazy.

Yeah, ever since she went through the change,

she got that PBS totebag and it was all over.

The sure sign of menopause.

How long will you be gone?

They won't tell me, till I get better.

You are not a sex addict.

She says that one of the signs

of sex addiction is lying about it.

No one's honest with their parents about sex.

Hey Mom, I'm going to the football game

to blow the starting lineup behind the bleachers,

be home by 11.

Yeah.

Will you visit me?

It's like three hours away and I won't have internet.

Of course I'll visit.

Mom and Vlad will just buy a dog

and pretend I never happened.

Hey.

Excuse me, can we?

Katrine, I know I failed you.

If I was a good mother,

we would have talked about these things.

Mistakes you've made, mistakes I've made.

But at least now, before you go away,

we have some time to do that.

Mom, is that really necessary?

Yes, yeah it is.

As long as we have. You have four hours,

29 minutes to your destination.

As long as we have these four hours and 29 minutes

together we're gonna make the most of it.

Look, I'm old.

When I was your age, the rainbow hanging in the window

of a store meant that they sold televisions

that were in color.

I don't pretend to know what a popular,

beautiful young woman goes through in the 21st century.

Perhaps you can enlighten me.

Well, I guess you'd have to ask someone

who was popular and beautiful.

Why are you avoiding this intimate

mother daughter bonding time?

Why?

Why?

Dammit.

Okay.

If you can't be honest with me, I'll be honest with you.

You know how I told your father

I got herpes from a yoga mat?

Well, I didn't.

Let's just leave it at that.

Yes, let's please.

♪ I am in love with the McDonald's girl ♪

Oh, you used to love this song when you were little.

♪ I am in love with the McDonald's girl ♪

Come on, you know the words.

No, stop.

♪ She is an angel in the polyester uni ♪

Come on, sing along. No, I don't.

Why do you hate me so much?

♪ She's taking orders from the Saddle River Little League ♪

What did I do?

♪ If they knew how much I wanted her ♪

Katrine!

Katrine!

Oh my god, Katrine what are you doing?

I got you a Big Gulp.

Why are you doing this to me?

How old is the boy who got you pregnant?

16.

Okay, I'll explain it to you again.

Emotionally, socially, men are actually 10 years younger

than their actual age.

So by that rule, a 34 year old man would actually be 24,

and therefore your current sex partner is how old?

Six.

See?

Don't you wish we'd had this conversation sooner?

Welcome.

Okay, I want to start by everyone giving

a short description, or even just a word,

of the incident or the moment

where you realized you needed to get help.

I spent my wife and I's entire 401K

in the VIP room at Mr. Dandy's, a strip club.

In one weekend. Mr. Dandy's?

Who'd you see?

Brandy, Veronica?

Let's stay focused, please.

Well at work, I was too busy pleasuring myself

instead of doing my job, and people were hurt because of it.

What's your job, Dan?

Was my job.

High speed train conductor.

Four words, talk now to live girls.

Uh, that's five words but thank you, Phil.

Foreign objects lost in my rectum.

Thank you, Wayne.

Had to go to the hospital.

Yes, we see.

I don't think I really belong here.

Obviously, you're alone in that opinion.

I've had sex with, like, two guys.

It's not how you have sex, it's how sex has you.

Everyone here needs to be honest

with themselves and with each other.

Okay, I slept with a jerk from my school

because I was bored.

I got high and I guess I thought he was funny.

Better, thank you.

Neighbor's Saint Bernard.

Janet, what are you doing?

Watching TV, Dad.

We can't do this, they're gonna kick us out.

No, it's okay, I have my cloaking device on.

As long as you're within six feet of me,

no one can see us.

I'm sorry, this is just weird.

I don't even go to real dances.

That's why it'll be fun.

Miss, can I help you?

Nope, no, just leaving.

You're nuts.

Just keep dancing, nobody'll notice.

So, what do you dream about?

Last night I was riding a giant spoon

that plunged into a lake of Mrs. Freshy's cake frosting.

No, like something you want to happen.

World peace?

Something attainable.

An end forever to the scourge

of the backwards baseball cap.

How about in guys?

What do you like, tall, short?

Brown, yellow, green?

Someone who doesn't annoy me.

They can't use the word gay to describe something they hate.

Someone who's not afraid to hold my hand in public

even though I have fat fingers,

who looks me in the eyes when I talk

and smiles when I'm telling a story,

even though I haven't got to the funny part yet.

Dumb stuff like that.

And what do you dream about?

You.

Maybe next time we can do this with my suit off.

I wouldn't want to get you sick.

I think you're worth the risk.

I don't have your phone number.

Why would you assume that I have a cellular phone?

I mean,

I'm kind of sad I wasn't born in the time before TVs.

People had to use their imaginations,

cook, talk to each other, leave the house.

Just thought I'd ask.

Cell phones are bad for humanity.

I get it.

I know where you live, though.

Okay.

I guess it's more fun this way.

Sorta.

Katrine, it's Phil.

Are you awake?

And Mike.

We just want to hang out and talk.

Are you asleep?

We're not gonna touch you.

Unless you really want us to.

Yeah, if you want us to, that's cool.

I mean, that'd be totally awesome.

You don't have to make that decision right now.

Yeah, yeah, just let us come inside.

Where's the visiting place?

I can't have visitors.

What?

I spent five hours on the bus.

I know, I know, we're in lockdown.

I'm not supposed to have my phone, either.

They catch me and... What?

Why?

One of the guys got caught

with a Victoria's Secret catalog

and they have this zero tolerance porn policy.

So I'm just supposed to go home?

I see you, come to the window on the right.

Come out.

I can't hear you.

Come out.

We're in lockdown, and they're tracking my phone.

I've been busy.

I'm on Femtrexl, it makes it hard to think.

I met a guy, at least I think I did.

His name's Rian.

He's from the future.

I don't even know if he's real.

Maybe.

Are you?

Katrine Neumann, we know you're down here.

You have to get me out of here,

it's like prison but with worse people.

How?

Why aren't you helping me? Oh my god.

You were supposed to be my friend, Janet.

Fuck off me!

Kat!

Shit!

Hey, it's Kat.

Leave a message.

If you're calling me, you're probably someone

who abandoned me and let me down when I needed you.

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

You know who you are.

Don't leave a message because I won't call you back.

Sorry to scare you.

I thought it'd be romantic to just come through the window.

Yeah, kidnappers and rapists, every girl's favorite.

Can you help me?

Sure.

I missed you, Janet.

I missed you, too.

I think about you all the time.

It's like I'm obsessed with you.

Thanks, I guess.

Me, too.

Are you alone?

My dad's downstairs listening to books on tape.

He can't hear us.

I've never done this before.

It's okay, if you don't want.

I don't know anything about you.

What else do you need to know?

Are you real?

Reality is anything the majority

of people agree to be true.

Why do you say that?

I only see you when I take my meds.

You take your meds a lot.

Do you think I'm real?

Well, so do I.

And we're the majority.

Good enough for me.

Do you wanna take off the, you must be hot.

Sure, yeah.

So far, so good.

This is unexpected, but.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

What can I do?

An hour in de-con.

Is there somewhere we can go where you'll be okay?

I'm sorry.

Rian.

I'll come back for you.

We'll go away, you and I,

where we can be safe.

When?

Soon.

Are these friends of yours, Kat?

Okay.

Have a wonderful rest of your evening.

Useful phrases while visiting France.

Nice to meet you, but can't we just shake hands?

Should I worry about that smell?

My colossal American ass

will not fit in your tiny European car.

Mom?

What the hell?

Vlad.

He's gone!

Oh, is that all?

Jesus, I thought you were dying.

Everything is gone.

Everything is gone.

Get up.

Come on, get up.

I can't.

I can't.

Come on.

No, we're done with this now.

So tell me again, the savings?

Empty.

Checking?

$200.

Real generous.

My college fund?

Gone.

Poof.

Credit cards maxed out with cash advances.

Okay Mom, we have to find him.

Where did he go?

Probably back to Slovakia.

He could be down the street.

Vlad was a very mysterious man.

What did he actually do for a living?

Import export and online financial services.

What does that even mean?

Christ, I don't know.

You, as a recovering sex addict should know that sometimes

love and desire takes you to very dangerous places.

I went there with your father and I went there with Vlad,

and now this is my punishment.

Katrine, I know you think I've failed you as a mother,

but I would appreciate if you could at least try

to be a little bit supportive in my time of crisis.

Okay, okay, Mom, don't bug out.

Someday you'll understand.

Dating when you're middle-aged

is like shopping at a used car lot.

Choose the best you can but just remember

that there's something wrong with all of them.

Come on, give me a hug.

Don't you think I deserve at least that much?

Rian,

where are you?

Rian?

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart?

Are you sick, pumpkin?

What's happening?

Been trying to wake you all morning.

Did you stay up late on the computer last night?

I have a letter from the University.

I got in.

Well look at that, miss smarty pants.

Now we just have to figure out how to pay for it.

Well, I'll leave you alone so you can call your friends.

We're sorry,

the number you have dialed is not in service at this time.

Goddammit.

♪ Sunlight say grace to the cold stone I'm waiting ♪

♪ For that firelight god to lift his darkened eyes ♪

Rian?

Rian!

♪ And don't fear the skies they know no need for reason ♪

Rian.

Rian, wait!

♪ The stars can't keep that shiny dancing charade ♪

Goodbye.

♪ But oh, to feel your eyes on me ♪

I love you.

♪ To want nothing, and everything ♪

Hey, miss.

Stop.

Miss!

Please.

♪ Mo me mi mo mu ♪

♪ Hm ♪

♪ Mo me mi mo mu ♪

♪ Hm ♪

♪ Mo me mi mo mu ♪

♪ Hm ♪

♪ Mo me mi mo mu ♪

♪ Hm ♪

♪ Mo me mi mo mu ♪

♪ Hm ♪

Hey.

Hey.

I got into Northmore.

That's great.

Did you hear?

Yeah, Farnham turned me down.

I can't afford to go anyway,

so I'm just gonna work and reapply next year.

Pretty embarrassing, huh?

I should've just changed in the car.

I'm sorry I didn't write while you were away.

I thought you had lots of other cooler friends.

Friends, yeah, no.

Sorry.

I probably wasn't exactly the best friend to you, either.

We're lame.

Yeah, yeah we are.

Rian was real.

I thought I was losing it, but he was real.

He's gone, though.

Yay and boo, I guess.

I guess I should go.

Bye, feel better.

Are you insane?

Come out, whore.

♪ I'm just a-sittin' with the bad kitty ♪

♪ Just while it's in the mood ♪

This is weird.

Think of it as prom that smells funny.

I look ridiculous.

Cataracts will help with that, I think.

There's so many old people here, the average age is dead.

Ladies.

Suck it, bitch.

♪ And I wanna kiss you too ♪

So it's your birthday, huh?

Yes, ma'am.

I am 92 years old.

92?

You rock, dude.

Happy birthday.

So I hear there's a lot of action going on in these places,

everyone being single and all.

You're not gonna give me an STD, are you?

Oh, I'm 92.

Leave room for Jesus there, hot pants.

Uh, jealous much?