Original subtitles

WEBVTT FILE

I swear to god... if you pick up one more ball, any

ball, for as long as you live, you're a dead boy walking!

Ohh!

Oh, my god.

Honey, are you okay?

What happened? What happened, Adam?

Samantha threw the baseball at me through her window, through the glass.

That's a lie, you little weasel!

Sam, that nose ring wouldn't really fly at military school, do you think?

Mom, Adam's smirking. Look at him.

Hey, get up.

Who taught you that girls were stupid, huh?

I know it wasn't me.

So let me give you a word of warning, pal.

You can only push us so far before we snap, you know, the hormone thing.

So you get up, you get that ball, and you bring it to me right now.

Save the drama. We're all on to you.

Thank you.

And you're paying for the window.

But I... Ah.

Thanks for waiting.

You didn't call. We were hungry.

I figured you'd be really late, as usual.

Mm-hmm.

You did miss all the excitement, though.

Adam broke another window.

What does that make this year, honey... 10?

It's a good thing your dad works so hard to pay for all that.

You said I had to pay for it.

May I? Mm-hmm.

Since you're only 12, and you don't really

have a job, your money isn't really yours at all.

Yes, it is. It's my allowance.

Where do you think that money comes from?

Dad... you idiot.

All right, everybody calm down, please.

Excitement's over.

May I?

That's good.

Jack, we need to talk.

About what?

About this relationship.

Oh, come on, please, just not again.

All we do is fight. I don't want to live that way anymore.

Everybody fights.

Some people stay married their whole lives with a lot less love than we have.

I don't want to be one of those people.

I don't want to spend my life regretting that we

all had a chance to be happy and didn't take it.

We're not good together anymore.

Come on, Katie.

We can try one more time.

Don't we owe the kids at least that much?

I mean, go see that... That therapist guy.

We tried that. It hasn't worked.

Don't you remember when we were first married,

and... and you thought I was funny and sexy...

And attractive?

You don't even laugh at my jokes anymore.

You haven't wanted to touch me in ages.

And in the past few years, nothing I do is right.

I think it's destroying all of us.

I don't understand how this happened.

Okay. Okay, I'll go find a place.

You stay here with the kids.

Kids need their moms a lot more than they need their dads.

Well, t-that's not true.

Well, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, but...

You guys should stay here.

I don't think we should tell them right away, at least not until you find a place.

Fine.

It wasn't all bad, was it?

No, Jack, it wasn't.

We have 2 great kids, don't we?

Yeah, we do.

What am I gonna do?

Honey, I'm home.

I get it! I get it!

I get it!

Take the nose ring out, dear.

We don't do that sort of thing here.

Mother.

Thanks for dressing.

Do you want a little Sherry?

Yes, please.

I don't believe I was speaking to you.

Nothing for me, thanks, mother.

Mary?

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Mary.

Mary, can I have a small Sherry?

Yes, you can, if you get it yourself.

I can't cook your whole damn dinner and serve cocktails, too.

Nor should you, Mary. I'll do it.

Dorothy, what can I get for you?

What I've had every single night of my life for the last 50 years, Jack.

Sherry, right.

Kate?

Kids?

Coke.

It'll rot your teeth.

We know.

Children, why don't you go help your father?

Well, I suppose we can sit down.

Oh, can we?

Keep it up, and I'll leave everything to Mary.

So, what cause have you taken up this week?

And do bleeding-heart liberals ever bleed to death?

Could we please not do this, mother?

Fine. I'll change the subject.

Did you and Jack have another fight today?

No. We're not fighting anymore, mother.

We're separating.

So you've had no experience in sales.

Well, sure I have.

I sell things to my family all the time, like eating vegetables,

doing their homework, you know, things they don't want to do.

That's the ultimate hard sell.

Well, that's not exactly what we're selling here.

What I really need is someone with sales and fashion experience, and you're not it.

I wouldn't exactly call what you sell here... Fashion.

I don't know.

I don't know what I would do with you.

Nice streaks, Martha.

They look fabulous.

You won't be single for long, honey.

So, what... you're not a hair stylist.

You're not a manicurist, right?

You're nothing that...

What are you?

I guess I'm someone who knew that streaks were pretty much finished in the '90s.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, streaks are not...

I think we should show it the week of the 10th,

and let's book the inspection... When can we get...

What, the 15th?

Yeah, 'cause I'd like to have all that done.

Okay? Terrific. Thanks.

Can I help you?

Or do you just want to stand there all day?

I was thinking about standing here all day.

Suit yourself.

Want to know why?

Sure.

What the hell? It's a little slow.

Because if you're a woman rapidly approaching 40, and you've made the unbelievably

stupid mistake of thinking that trying to raise a family was a good thing...

All you ever wanted to do was be a wife and a mother, and your

children grow up, and they can't wait to get away from you.

And your marriage is falling apart, so you try to start over with no skills whatsoever.

And all you hear is that damn song... "all by

myself," then you would just stand here, too!

You're right.

That's song's irritating.

You want to come in for a cup of coffee?

Okay.

Brad, Mac, this is...

What's your name?

Oh, Kate. Kate Mayer.

Hey, Kate, I'm Maggie.

Hi, Maggie.

Which one's Brad, and which one's Mac?

Hi. I'm Brad.

I'm just kidding. I'm McNally, Mac for short.

And this is Brad, just Brad.

Kate's having a really bad day.

She doesn't know whether to go left or right, so I invited her in for a cup of Joe.

Great. Let me get that. Cream, sugar?

Black, please.

Hey, why don't you come take a load off?

Uh, Brad...

She won't bite.

Take a break.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about all this.

I was just having a moment out there, and Maggie here took pity on me.

No, it's fine, really. No explanation needed.

Look at who I have working for me.

If I didn't hate you already, I'd take offense to that.

See what I mean?

You don't really need a receptionist.

You're not just offering me this job 'cause you feel sorry for me...

A soon-to-be-separated mother of 2?

No. I really need a receptionist.

Maggie and I are out all the time, and Brad,

you know, doesn't like to answer the phones, so...

Does he ever talk?

You know, he... he's not really a people person.

He's brilliant, just not a people person.

Kind of a bad job for him to have then, don't you think?

Yeah, well, he... he's working on it.

Okay, so, when do you want me to start?

When's good for you?

How's tomorrow?

Great. Okay.

That's terrific.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, terrific. Great.

Okay, bye-bye.

So you hired her?

Yeah.

She's cute.

Oh, shut up.

Hi.

Hi.

How was your day?

Good.

Good.

I got a job.

Good.

Repeat back to me what I just said.

You...

You said you had a good day, and you did the usual.

You don't do that in court, do you?

Do what?

Make up stuff.

No, I don't make up stuff.

I just said, "I got a job."

How you got "the usual" out of that, I'm not sure.

Wait a second. You got a job?

What kind of job?

I'm gonna be a receptionist at a real estate office.

A receptionist? That'll barely cover sitter cost.

What is the point of that?

I mean, come on, Kate.

Isn't that kind of silly and counterproductive?

Maybe it is, but you got to start somewhere, Jack.

Hi.

Morning.

Va-va-voom!

Keep your hands off of her, Mac.

I'm gay. Maggie thinks it's hysterically funny to make little homophobic jokes about it.

You're gay?

Yep. But don't worry. It's not contagious.

I bet she's never met a gay person up close and personal.

How is that possible in 2002?

No, no, no. I-i-I've met a few.

It's just they don't usually look like you.

Do they?

I've got a plaid shirt I could slip into.

I tried it once. Wasn't my cup of tea.

No one really asked you.

I'm sorry.

But if this bothers you...

I think it probably makes you more interesting than I thought you were.

Really?

I didn't mean that.

W-what I meant to say was...

I think people should be able to be whoever they are.

This is your desk.

We set it up for you, so there you go.

Thank you.

Just answer the phones... "hays realty."

You know, transfer calls. Take messages.

That's it?

And that's it.

Well, it's kind of like stealing money, isn't it?

It is kind of.

You know, I think the point to this job is to have some fun.

Because most of us here haven't had much.

We are the walking wounded.

I-I am not the walking wounded.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

I don't know why I put up with this abuse.

'Cause you love us.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

See, it's not really like stealing money.

Thanks, you guys, for making my re-entry painless.

Our pleasure.

You go on and see your kids, and we'll lock up.

Okay. Good night.

Night.

Have a good one.

You too.

You like her.

I can tell.

Will you stop trying to set me up with every woman that walks through that damn door?

You know what... You're an idiot!

Because you believe if a person is gay, that they like all people of the same sex, that we are

indiscriminate sharklike creatures who never sleep, who are just looking for our next victim.

Well, guess what?

Some of us actually do discriminate and don't want to sleep with every woman

who ever lived, which, by the way, if that were true, would include our mothers.

And yes, I like her. News flash... I like you, too.

It doesn't mean I want to sleep with you either.

Got it? Got it.

Good.

T's go, guys. Should I forward calls to your cell? You won't be able to.

Are you gonna be out of range?

No, you will be. You're coming with us on the caravan.

What's a caravan?

Have you read any magazines, a book, anything?

A caravan's what all the brokers go on to see all the new houses that are on the market.

Mac, isn't Brad coming?

You know, he doesn't like the caravans.

Well, why does he come on them?

Fresh air.

Maggie, I know it's none of my business, but

it seems like Brad's not very good at his job.

That is correct.

Why doesn't Mac fire him?

You didn't hear this from me, but Brad used to be a computer geek at a dot-com.

It went under, and Mac brought him here.

Besides, Mac can never fire anyone.

That's loyalty to the point of absurdity, isn't it?

Yeah.

And this is the part you really didn't hear from me...

He's her ex-lover's brother.

Well, why doesn't she help him?

That'd be hard.

She's dead.

Yuck.

Maggie.

Sorry.

I think it has potential.

You think everything has potential.

You scrap off those cottage-cheese ceilings, you t the new lighting fixtures, you get the premade, ready-to-hang

cabinets, get a whole new line of the cheapo steel appliances, paint it white white, and it's a gay man's dream.

What?

Am I right?

Hays realty.

May I ask who's calling, please?

Just one moment.

It's a Mr. Brubaker.

Hello, Mr. Brubaker.

Mm-hmm.

Great.

When can I bring over the paperwork?

Uh-huh. No, tomorrow morning'sine.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Yeah? Yeah.

We have a tradition here.

Any time a house is sold, we go out and celebrate... my treat.

Carl, I'll be late and drunk. Okay, bye.

Want to come?

Sure. I'll ask Jack to stay with the kids.

Let's just tell him you have a business meeting.

Leave out the drinking and drunk part.

Call from the car. Come on.

Come on, Kate.

Hey, j.J.

Hey, guys.

Now, was the purchase price the selling price?

You bet.

All right. My round.

What are you gonna have?

And so this guy says, "does the carpet come with the house?"

And I say, "it's wall-to-wall.

What do you think?"

And then he says, "I don't know."

And then I say, "you are the biggest moron I think I've ever met."

And then I say...

It's like a damn miniseries with no end to it, not unlike "south pacific"...

Nice scenery, no real point to it.

What, now you speak?

And by the way, it wasn't a miniseries.

It was a play, then a movie, then a badly miscast tv movie.

By they way, I hate you.

I think it's time for another round.

Yeah, Brad, you're buying.

What? Mac always pays.

Yeah, well, her money is your money, so what difference does it make?

Hey, what's it like being gay?

Well, you don't beat around the bush, do you?

Uh... no.

I don't know.

What's it like having blue eyes?

You know, I think I must be a little bit drunk, because

maybe that was an incredibly stupid question to ask you.

It's okay.

Being gay is kind of like being part of a freak show.

You know, people like to stop by the cage and stare.

I think what I meant was when did you first know that you were attracted to women?

Like, when did you decide, "that's it, I'm gay"?

It's not really a decision.

And, uh... I think I've always known.

Must be hard. Is it? Is it hard?

Well, you get to disappoint a lot of people, starting with your parents.

Oh, my god.

My mother, who is the most judgmental person alive, would have a field day with that.

Mom, not only have I disappointed you as a daughter, a wife, a

mother, and a homemaker, but I've decided to sleep with women.

I ought to say it just to piss her off.

Yeah, that'd probably do it.

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, good boy. Hey, you good boy.

Let's get something to eat.

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

So, uh... This is just to show you what we deal with, you know.

But don't be daunted by this couple.

They've interviewed every realtor in town.

Okay.

Well, we haven't been happy about what any of

you people have said in terms of your commissions.

They're too high. It's as simple as that.

Well, the normal commission is 6%, so what were the other agents asking for?

4%. 3.

Well, I'm new, but it seems to me that at either of those numbers, you're

gonna get an agent who's not gonna work very hard at selling your house.

And you want to move to Florida sooner rather than later. Right?

Also, I noticed some problems with your foundation, not to mention the fact that Mac here is the best agent

in town, which means you'll get a higher price for your house, making lower commission a moot point. Right?

Problems with your foundation.

Where'd you come up with that?

Bob vila.

Oh, you are something.

What?

You'd make a great agent.

You should think about getting your license.

What?

Your real-estate license. We'd all help you.

I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

I-I don't know.

All right, say you'll think about it.

Okay. I'll think about it.

Good.

This is good. This is really good.

Rental agent shows the couple apartments only on

the first floor, so which of the following is true?

Um, the rental agent is protecting the other

adults from the disruption of the children, or...

Now, when an inspection goes wrong, what do you do?

Well, the contract all inspectors use holds them harmless for liability.

Therefore, you don't have to do anything.

Excellent.

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

I think we've embarrassed her.

T been looking for a place to mol've been too busy.

I'm gonna get some listings tomorrow, and if you can't go see them, I will.

Fine. Come on, we're late.

You know how Bernie and Sandy hate that.

Please.

You look fantastic.

Why? What are you doing differently?

Have you had Botox or a peel?

No.

She's having an affair.

I'm not having an affair.

I'm having a life.

La-di-da.

That's not it. There's something else going on.

What is it?

Jack and I are separating.

Oh, my god.

You can't be serious.

We're not happy, and we haven't been for a long time.

Well, nobody's happy.

What has that got to do with anything?

Kind of everything.

Guys, I got to tell you something.

Yeah?

Uh, Kate and I are splitting up.

You are the perfect couple.

Well, looks are deceiving.

This is gonna change our whole lives.

Sandy, it's not about you.

Well, it's about us.

Look, I love you guys.

I hope you don't take sides, and we can all stay friends.

I don't get it. What happened?

The two of you just decided at the same time to separate?

Oh, I think Jack would have been fine with things staying the way they were.

I asked for the separation.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Good.

If this one's not good, I'm gonna blow my own brains out.

Well, I'll put my head next to yours and make it two for one.

Are you sure you're the one that should be finding Jack an apartment?

Well, if I don't, nobody will.

Kate!

Kate?

What's wrong?

Are the kids all right?

They're fine.

Well, then what am I doing home in the middle of the day?

So I can take you to see your new apartment.

And then we're gonna tell the kids.

Enter!

Yo, turn it down!

Yo, it's off. Speak. Time is precious.

Sometimes you're smarter than you know.

Sam, we need to have a talk.

I know all about the birdies and the bees.

Remember, we have this talk each and every year.

Oh, my god. You're exhausting.

I know that, too.

Mom, dad, what?

W-well, this is gonna be hard, so, um, just give us a minute, okay?

Um... you know that your dad and I both love you very much, right?

Yeah.

And how, in life, sometimes things change.

Yeah.

Well, the problem is that...

We don't love each other enough.

We're gonna separate.

Did you hear what I just said?

Yeah, I...

I've known for a long time that things were bad.

I was just hoping for a miracle.

I know, sweetie. We were, too.

I don't want to upset your life or Adam's.

You both mean the world to us.

And this is the last thing we wanted to do.

All I know is I want my parents to stay together forever just like every other kid.

But Adam and I are also tired of hearing you guys fight all the time.

I-I don't understand.

Why did you start fighting?

What happened?

I-I don't know.

Why do people forget why they loved each other in the first place?

Because even though we try to do the best we can, we're

human, and sometimes we get stuck... And just can't move.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Yeah?

Hey, sport.

Hey.

Listen, your mom and I have something pretty important

to talk to you about, so can you put the game boy down?

Thanks.

Okay, you have all my numbers if you need me, right?

Yeah.

Come here.

Come here, little man.

I want you to listen to me.

Everything's gonna be all right, okay?

I'm only five blocks away.

I'll see you all the time.

I'm sorry I'm late. Why are you all standing there?

Why are you staring at me?

I'm fired, aren't I?

Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to fire you as our

receptionist, because I'm hiring you as a real-estate agent.

You passed. Maggie opened it.

I couldn't stand the suspense.

Oh, my god.

Isn't that terrific? Congratulations.

That's just great.

Honey, it's great.

Thank you.

Well, I'm a little excited... My first open house.

Yeah, don't get too excited.

We haven't seen it yet.

I'll find a pony in there somewhere.

I know you will.

Ta-da.

Oh, wow.

Nice, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, let's sell this house.

Got your specs?

Yeah.

Oh, Kate, they looked fine when you did them last time, five minutes ago.

I know.

It's ridiculous.

I feel like I'm 15 years old waiting for my first date.

Well, you'll get over that as soon as the 100th looky-loo walks through that door.

Go ahead. You got to answer it.

Right. Okay. I'm going.

Hello. Welcome. Come on in.

Thanks.

Whoa.

Oh, my.

This place hasn't been touched in, like, 50 years.

That's right.

But I think that's a good thing...

No bad addition to contend with, a clean palette.

One owner.

Has anybody died here?

Well, yes, but we all have to die somewhere, don't we?

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Bye!

Bye-bye!

Do we have to tell them the bad things when we show a house?

Yes, Kate. Remember... disclosure?

Yeah.

I must be doing something wrong.

Little advice... you want to hook 'em into the potential

before you tell them that it's only had one owner.

That way, they're slightly invested in the house before they find out someone died there.

Great. Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks.

There you go. That's fine.

What was your girlfriend's name?

Lauren.

When did she die?

5 years ago may 30th.

Or didn't bigmouth Maggie tell you that part?

I'm sorry. It's none of my business.

No, it's okay.

I'm sure it's still incredibly painful.

You know, you always think that it will get less

painful, but... fact of the matter is, it doesn't.

How long were you together?

Almost 10 years.

I mean, we'd known each other for a long time before that, but I, uh...

I wasn't ready to acknowledge it, and she waited and waited and...

I just wish that I hadn't wasted so much time we didn't end up having.

Yeah, but I think you were lucky to have the time you did with her.

She was lucky to have it with you.

Okay, shall we?

Yeah.

Hi, Sandy, Rita.

How are you?

Fine.

Good. How are you?

I'm okay.

Uh, this is McNally hays. Sandy, Rita.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you. We're late.

Have a nice lunch.

Oh, hi. I didn't know whether or not I should use my key.

No, you can e the key.

Oh, okay.

So, I have the tv all hooked up, plenty of junk food.

It'll be just like home.

Hey, give me a kiss.

You too.

See ya.

Kate?

What are you doing here?

Well, I was alone in my house for the first time in my entire life.

I had no kids, I had no husband, I have no friends.

So I came here.

Come on in.

This is Bob.

Hi, Bob.

What's the matter with you, huh?

You've never seen anybody ever fall apart before, huh?

Bob, what are the rules, huh?

Bob...

Think you know 'em.

My kids left to spend the night with Jack for the first time, and I just came undone.

I've never not been with my kids.

You know, it's funny.

I... I gave up on myself so long ago to be Jack's wife...

Or be Sam's mother, Adam's mother...

To be a homemaker.

I was like Stepford wife.

And I wanted this.

I wanted things to change, and...

And now I don't know.

I-I... I don't know anything.

Do you want him back?

No.

I don't.

But this has torn my kids' lives apart, and that's the hardest part of it.

It's... it's overwhelming.

Yeah, of course it is.

But I...

I wanted... More.

I wanted more for my life.

I... I wanted more for myself, and...

I wanted more from Jack...

Which he couldn't or... Didn't want to give me.

Maybe he didn't know how to.

I think maybe it was me.

Oh, Kate.

Something in me provoked him.

No, it... I don't know.

I... I don't know anything anymore.

Well, you know what?

This is not all your fault.

Really, it's not.

Okay.

You made the right decision, and you're gonna be fine.

Okay? You're gonna be fine.

Kate, don't.

Why?

Because you don't know what you're doing.

You don't know what this means.

Yes, I do. It's what I feel.

It's a little more complicated than that.

You're straight, and this is wrong, and, you know, you're just responding to, um...

To a little kindness, to, uh, a little attenti, that's all.

It's not... you just don't have a clue.

That's not what I'm responding to.

I'm not some stupid teenager, Mac.

Kate, I'm gay, and I know what it means.

This is my life, not some abstract thought or feeling.

It isn't a switch I get to turn on and off, and it's not to be taken lightly.

I don't take this lightly.

You know, most of my life, I lived a lie, trying to be my mother's daughter, not

acknowledging the fact that I was gay 'cause I was so scared of the hate and the shame...

Until I met Lauren.

And she taught me how not to be afraid.

But this...

It scares the hell out of me.

And I don't want to be scared anymore.

And I'm not the one to take another person on that

journey, 'cause the first trip almost killed me.

I didn't mean to put you in that position.

Okay.

It wasn't my intention.

Okay. I know.

I don't know what this means.

I've never done this before.

But you should know I was not looking for a quick fix to my

problems or the touch of another human being, whoever it was.

Believe it or not...

Everything changed for me the minute I met you.

It scares the hell out of me, too.

I should leave.

Hays realty.

This is Mrs. Wilson.

Let me try her cell.

The person you are trying to reach is out of range.

I'm sorry. She's out of range. Can I take a message?

Just have her give me a call back.

I'll tell her you called, Mrs. Wilson.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Where is she?

She hasn't been in the office in two days.

I'm going out for a smoke.

Brad, you think you could answer the phones just this once?

I don't think so.

If it gets really scary, you let it go to voice mail.

Maggie, what's going on?

Where's Mac?

Honey, I've known Mac, it seems, longer than I've known myself.

And where she is is in the dumper, screwed.

What are you talking about?

I've only seen her come unglued three times.

When she met Lauren, when she lost Lauren...

And when she met you.

Are you avoiding me?

Nope.

Well, you haven't been in the office in two days.

I've been working.

I get that, except you haven't not come into the

office ever before if I'm not mistaken, which I'm not.

I don't that's a real sentence, is it?

Who cares.

Aren't you gonna ask me in?

Okay.

Want to come in?

Well, if this is what it's like being attracted to someone of

the same sex, it doesn't feel too good. You're right about that.

What are you talking about?

Being shunned. You're shunning me.

No, I'm not.

And you know, this isn't just about you.

It's about me, too.

The least you could do is be an adult and speak to me.

I expected more dialogue from a woman.

What happened the other night shouldn't impact our friendship.

We can still be friends, can't we?

I don't know how to be your friend now after that.

Why?

Because I feel more for you than a friend should feel.

So what... we should just stop speaking to each other, and I

should quit working for you and just disappear because it's easier?

No, uh... I don't know.

Why is this so simple for you?

It's not.

That's the part you're not getting.

Look, I have a big life with lots of people in it, and I was prepared

to see what my feelings were about, knowing the risks involved...

Not knowing if it was real.

I understand if you can't.

But I... I don't understand that you don't want to talk to me or see me.

Don't you know that's all I want to do...

...is to see you, is to talk to you?

♪ I remember the day ♪ you swept my heart away

♪ without you ♪ one touch of your embrace ♪ the hurt was all erased

♪ 'cause it feels so much more ♪ than my heart ever knew

♪ for a shelter from the rain

♪ and I found the missing part ♪ in you-u-u-u-u-u-u-u

Jack. Hi. The kids aren't here, remember?

Yeah, I know.

I wanted to talk to you for a minute.

Sure. I have to leave in a second, but come on in.

Thanks.

You look very nice. Where are you going?

Uh, dinner with Mac and some clients.

What'd you want to talk about?

Well, I got the divorce papers.

You absolutely positive about this?

Yeah, I am.

I'm sorry, Jack.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Jack. How are you?

Fine.

Nice to see you again.

Yes, nice to see you.

Well, I hope you have a successful dinner with your clients.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

That's a great outfit. Where'd you get it?

You know, I never thought I'd say that to someone I was dating.

Dinner with clients, huh?

What was I going to say, that I was going on a date with you?

You know by the look on his face that the wheels are starting to turn already, right?

So if he hasn't figured it out, he will soon.

Well, I'm gonna tell him.

Mm-hmm.

Just... not now.

When?

When you're sure it isn't just a phase?

That's not fair.

Sure it is. I mean, I don't know, maybe you're just trying it out, like a car.

That's insulting and ridiculous.

Oh, Kate, I've seen it happen a million times before.

Really? A million?

Don't be stupid. You know what I meant.

Actually, I don't know what you mean, because, you know, I'm new

to this secret club of yours with your secret little handshakes.

We have to stop this. We have to be careful now.

Why?

Isn't that one of the perks of being with a woman...

To talk and talk and talk about everything until you go insane?

If you're trying to pick a fight with me because you're scared about what's

happening instead of just saying how terrified you are, consider yourself successful.

It's just a little unexpected, coming from you.

Let's go out back.

No.

Get up.

Okay, I'm out back. Now what?

You're in there moping around like a sad sack.

What did you think would happen?

You plunge into your first post-Lauren relationship

with a straight, confused mother of two.

You should give her some time.

What I should have done was to have stuck to my life plan,

which was to never, ever get involved with anyone again.

But there's a problem with that.

I think I'm in love with her.

Sweetie.

Hi.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I pressured you, and, uh...

I just forgot for a moment what you were going through,

because it's been so long since I've been through it.

And I did it without kids, so... if you can't do this, I understand.

I just want you to know that no matter what happens, you'll always have a job.

You'll always have me as a friend.

We didn't have to ring our own doorbell.

Kiss.

Kiss.

See you on Saturday.

How's it going?

Uh, not great. They hate my place.

They'd rather be in their own rooms.

I can't blame 'em.

Why don't I come over some time and try to help you make it more of a home?

Sure. Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye.

I have to tell you something.

Sure.

Go ahead, sweetie.

As grown-up as I pretend to be, I'm really not.

One minute, I understand it, and then the next minute, I don't.

I'm really not okay that we're not a family anymore.

But we are still a family.

Fractured, yes, but a family nonetheless.

It's not the same.

And the thing is, I guess I thought life would always be the same and that

things would never change, which is stupid, because everything changes.

But... I never thought the first person to move out of the house would be dad.

Sandy, this is a surprise.

Can I come in so I don't have to stand out here groveling in front of the neighbors?

Sure. Come on in.

I just came over to apologize.

I guess... I didn't want you to shake things up, because then that

just means I'd have to take a look at my life and see how crappy it is.

I get it.

And I'm really glad you came over.

Me too.

Do you love your job?

Yeah, I do.

Are you gonna start dating again soon?

Oh, god, what a terrible thought.

Well, you ow, it's funny you should mention that.

I'm gonna tell you something, because even though

you're a snob, I think you're an open-minded snob.

And... I think I am attracted to someone.

Who?

The woman I work for.

You're joking.

No.

I don't believe you.

Well, why would you be so shocked?

Your sister's gay.

Because I don't approve of her lifestyle.

Since when did you become a bigot?

I'm not a bigot.

It must be tiring to sit in judgment of everyone, Sandy.

Dad?

Hey, hey. I'm in the kitchen.

Hey.

Oh, my god. I'm impressed.

Yeah, I, uh... I made enough if you want to stay.

Uh, sure, sure. That'd be nice.

Great.

You know, dad, if it isn't any good, we could always hire a cook or a maid who cooks.

Yes, I realize that, but I am trying to spend more

quality time with my children, if you don't mind.

We don't mind.

It's just you think poisoning your kids is the best way to bond with them?

Sam...

So?

Not bad.

Yeah.

I was very impressed, Jack.

Thank you.

Can I go over to Betsy's?

Yes...

After you do the dishes.

That's okay, honey. I'll do 'em.

You see how shallow their love for me really is.

Can I go to Peter's?

What is wrong with you guys?

You have your mother and father in the same place again, and you want to leave.

Yeah. Yeah.

Go. Get out of here.

Hey, kiss, kiss.

Bye, honey. Have a good time.

See ya.

Bye, dad.

Bye-bye.

Well, it's good to know some things never change.

Yeah.

You know, I could do some stuff in the living room if you like, help make things better.

Yeah, that'd be great.

See? I think it looks a little better. Huh?

All you need maybe are some curtains, you know,

and, uh... I don't know, black-and-white photos.

You know, stuff.

Yeah, it definitely looks better.

Jack, we need to talk.

No, no, no, no.

The rule is you can only say that once in a lifetime to the same person.

Let's sit down.

I need to tell you something so you don't find out another way.

Uh... what are you talking about?

I'm attracted to someone, and I'm pursuing it.

Who is he?

It's not a "he." It's Mac.

Mac?

What... you mean Mac your boss?

Mac's a woman. What is...

You can't be attracted to a woman.

She's a person, Jack.

What are you talking about? She's a woman.

Wait a second. I don't understand this.

What are you telling me here...

That our whole life together was this big lie?

No, that's not true.

Well, then explain something to me.

How can you suddenly be attracted to a woman?

I don't know.

I wasn't even looking for any kind of relationship and certainly not one with a woman.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Wait a second.

Is this the problem? Is this the problem?

That all along, deep down inside, you had these feelings?

You felt this way, and that's why our marriage failed?

No, the failure of our marriage is both our faults.

It has nothing to do with Mac or any other woman.

I've never had feelings for another woman in my life, Jack, and I met Mac after we split.

I-I can't believe this.

Well... you don't have to.

It's not about you.

Oh, really? Really? It's not about me?

That's great.

Okay, let me put it another way.

It's my life, and I can live it any way I want.

It doesn't concern you.

Okay.

But it does concern my children.

And I will not have them around this.

What does that mean?

That means that you have put them through enough,

and you are not gonna do this to them, too.

Monday morning, I am filing papers for sole custody.

Kate... What's wrong?

I told Jack about us, mainly because Sandy came by to apologize, and like an

idiot, I thought I could share something with my best friend who has a gay sister.

Instead, she's the moral majority.

I'm an idiot.

Yeah, bigotry is stunning, isn't it?

I'm afraid that's not the end of it.

Jack wants to take the kids away from me.

He's just scared, you know. He doesn't really mean it.

Tell that to the court he's filing papers with monday.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell the kids.

I feel like they've been through enough already.

But I'm afraid if I don't, he will, and I don't want him to drag you into court either.

Don't worry about me.

I think I have to tell them before he does.

Are you sure?

I don't think I have a choice.

He's forced my hand.

Maybe you should wait.

Well, I have to tell Sam at least before he does.

Listen... I'm sorry for the saying yes, saying no, saying yes thing.

Just please have faith in me.

I know I sound like a broken record, but are you sure about this, about us?

I don't know if this is gonna last forever, but the night that

we fought and you left, it was as if someone pulled my heart out.

And when you came back, you brought my heart with you.

So... right here, right now...

Yeah, I'm sure.

There are some real consequences which you've just encountered.

Are you prepared for more of that?

No.

Kate, I don't want you to lose your kids because of me.

I don't want to lose my kids either.

Look, the truth is maybe I'm not prepared for any of this,

but I made an adult, conscious choice to be with you...

Not a man, not a woman, but you.

I am prepared to stand by my heart, which I've given to you.

As complex as it might be, this much I know.

Hey, Bob. Hello, baby.

Why did you pull me out of a play date?

I was kidding. What's happened?

Is it dad? Adam?

No, honey. Everyone's fine.

Then what?

I need to tell you something that's gonna be very difficult.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a divorce, what would it be?

Jeez, Sam.

6?

I don't know.

Okay, just tell me.

Well...

It's hard to put into words.

I'm not gonna guess.

Well, you know how your teacher, Mr. Jackson, lives with a man,

and I've always told you you could love or be with anybody?

Yeah.

Well, you know Mac, the woman I work with.

Yeah, she's a lesbian. So?

How did you know that?

I'm not dumb.

But how could you know? She doesn't even look like one.

No, she doesn't look like one.

Look, mom, could you please tell me why you dragged me out of Betsy's house?

I-I really... I don't know how to start.

Mom, just start somewhere.

Well, um...

Mac and I have become very good friends, as you know.

And I know this is gonna sound strange, but... I'm attracted to her.

I-I don't understand. What do you mean?

I'm attracted to Mac like I used to be attracted to your father.

You mean in a sexual way?

Yeah.

That would make you gay, and you're not gay.

No, I'm not.

I mean, I wasn't, but if I want to be with Mac, I-I guess I am.

But you've only known her for a few months.

I mean, I don't understand. Did you like girls before?

No.

But you said people were born that way.

Well, I don't look at Mac... As a woman.

I look at her as a person.

I-I don't understand.

You weren't born gay...

But now you are...

And...

You're with a woman?

I don't get it.

I know. I-I don't know what happened.

I don't know what it means.

Does this mean I'm gay forever now?

I don't know, Sam.

I know this is a shock to you. It's a shock to me, too.

But...

I told your father, and he's really upset.

Gee, I wonder why.

Don't let the nose ring and the purple streak fool you.

I'm upset, too.

Honey...

I care immensely for Mac.

And the only reason I'm telling you all this is

because your father wants to take you away from me.

Now, maybe he's just angry, maybe not, but I'm telling

you because I love you, and I don't want to lose you.

You know what?

I don't really want to talk about it anymore.

I raised you to have an open mind.

Please, honey, can't we just talk about this?

No, no.

We're done talking.

I don't think it's a very good idea.

Well, Jack is angry enough to try to get everyone on his side to get custody,

including my dear, old mother, who, by the way, is rich enough to buy the court.

Even Bob doesn't think it's a good idea.

I'm just hoping that blood is thicker than I've been led to believe.

Don't count on it.

Hey, Katie.

Is your mother expecting you?

No.

You know how she hates surprises.

Yeah, well, she's gonna love tonight.

She's in the bath now, but she'll be down soon.

What is it?

I'm gonna try this out on you first.

Had second thoughts, huh?

Brad, sorry.

I... come on in.

No.

Okay. Stand there.

I just came by to tell you that I think Lauren would have really liked Kate.

Okay, Katie, what's going on?

Well...

Uh, I've met someone...

Romantically.

Well, if you're happy, I'm happy.

You know I'm not speaking for your mother, but I

don't know why you're making such a big fuss over it.

Well, the thing is, the person that I met and I'm involved with, romantically...

Is a woman.

What?

You don't have anything to say?

I'm thinking about it.

I haven't seen you this happy since you got that

swing out back when you were 12, so it's okay with me.

May I make a suggestion?

Sure.

I'd get out of this house before your mother comes down.

Who in j. Paul getty's name are you talking to, Mary?!

I know it's too late for your soap opera.

No, it's not.

Well, well, well...

An unannounced visitor.

You know how I love that.

I know you do, mother.

That's too much, Mary.

No. Trust me, it's not.

Well, what is it?

I hope you haven't come over here to ask me to babysit for

your children now that you're a single mother with a... Job.

God, that was hard to say.

You know, mother, I think they'd sooner have their eyes gouged out.

You know what your problem is, what it's always been?

No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

You're a smartass, always have been.

I know.

What?

Just spit it out.

Well...

I've met someone...

And I'm seeing them romantically.

Well, that was a little fast, don't you think?

Well, yeah.

And... it's a woman.

Mary, you don't need to hear this.

I won't have it.

Do you hear me?

It's really not up to you, mother.

It's against god.

You'll burn in hell for it.

Well, then, I'll burn in hell for it.

It's not natural. Don't you understand that?

To care about another human being who is spectacular is natural.

I've finally come back to life.

Mother, I've waited years for someone like Mac to come along.

What kind of a name is that for a woman?

Is that a lesbian nickname of some sort?

No, it's not.

I did not raise my daughter to be a lesbian.

This is not about you.

I won't have it.

You'll stop seeing her right now.

I'm an adult now, much to your astonishment.

You can't boss me around anymore.

But...

You can stop seeing me, which I hope you won't, because, in

spite of all our problems, you're my mother, and I love you.

And I'm your only child.

So I hope, once the shock wears off, you'll try to open your mind to this and accept it.

There's one thing you can count on...

That day will never come.

What?!

Sorry.

Didn't go well with your mother, did it?

No, it did not.

What happened?

She pretty much said the biblical thing and disowned me.

You know, you have to give her time.

My mother did the same thing, and now we couldn't be closer.

First of all, your mother and my mother are not the same.

We've never been close.

And she doesn't need time, because she's gonna feel this way forever.

So, in addition to not having a mother, I have a daughter who's processing it, a son who doesn't know, an ex-best friend, who all of a

sudden, is related to Jerry falwell, a husband who wants to take my kids away so, all in all, I'd say this coming-out thing's been a big hit.

I, uh, I did try to warn you it could get really messy.

I didn't know it would get this messy.

If I did...

What? You wouldn't have done it, or you wouldn't have had

feelings for me, or you wouldn't have gone through with it?

I don't know.

Then I should leave.

No. No, no, no.

Then what do you want me to do?

I don't know.

Because I can't sit here and watch you lose everything because of me.

One minute, I think I can handle it, and the next, I'm sure I can't.

Then I think of you, and I know I'm completely out of my mind.

Jack.

Kate.

I'll go.

No. No, it's fine. This concerns both of you.

Mary called me, and she told me how Dorothy reacted, which was pretty much how I reacted.

And I don't want to be like your mother.

You know, I don't want to be small and petty.

But I-I do want to be small and petty, but Sam says that's a really bad thing to be.

She's a kid, and somehow, I don't know how, she knows that.

She also forced me to come down here, which I really did not want to do.

My instinct was to hurt you the way you hurt me.

But, see, I don't want to do that, either.

I don't want to take the kids away from you.

I don't... Understand what you're doing.

Maybe I never will.

Maybe I would have known how to compete with another guy, but...

I have no idea how to compete with a woman.

I'm very confused.

But what I loved about you when we met...

I still love about you.

I want you to be happy.

And I want to be happy, too.

So...

I'm gonna try to do better.

That's all I wanted to say.

Mmm, hey, beautiful.

Hey.

Would you consider us living together someday in the faraway future?

Not the reaction I was hoping for.

Oh, it's just... You need to slow down.

Okay.

I just jumped through some huge hoops.

I'm too tired right now to even think about jumping through another one.

All right.

And as your saying goes, "love me, love my dog."

Mine is, "love me, love my two kids," and they're not nearly as well-trained as Bob is.

Hey.

Are you prepared for that...

An instant family...

One of whom doesn't even know about us?

Yes.

Well, I'm gonna have to catch my breath.

That's a big leap.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's just a breath.

Since when do you care if your grandma comes to anything?

I don't. I'm doing this for mom.

Don't get up.

If you've come here to lecture me, you know where the door is.

We didn't come here to lecture you.

I came here to invite you to my graduation.

Isn't that sweet?

And I'm sure your mother and that woman will be there, too.

I'm sorry, Samantha, but I won't be where they are.

First of all, that woman has a name... It's McNally.

And second of all, this isn't about you.

It's about me.

This is my graduation.

And if you don't come, you don't have a daughter or a granddaughter.

It's... so much easier, Dorothy, to... remember why you love

someone and to move past things, even if you don't understand them.

You can just pretend to...

Like I'm doing.

Kate's a remarkable person.

She gave me that kid.

And even you have to admit...

That's some kid.

We present to you the graduating class of 2002.

I'm very proud of you, Sam, and I love you very, very much.

Don't you dare make me cry.

It took me three hours to get my eyeliner on.

I'm really sorry it took me so long to come around.

I know you didn't raise me that way.

Honey... what made you change your mind?

I realize that you're really happy now, and you haven't been for a long time.

That's it... simple, huh?

You are a spectacular person.

You stop pushing me. I'll get there when I get there.

Yes, and we'll all be dead by then.

Well, what do I call her? What do I call them?

They have names, grandma. Start there.

We'll see about that.

Glad you took that thing out, anyway, for graduation.

Why did you do this? Doesn't this wash out, dear?

No, it's permanent, grandma.

Mother, there's someone I want you to meet.

This is Mac. This is my mother, Dorothy.

Hello, Dorothy.

Nice to meet you.

This is Brad.

Hi, how are you?

Works at the office.

You all work together?

Yes.