Original subtitles

original uploader for this subtitle ... mr master

who's antics have become the inspiration of joke's that are amongst the popular ever told.

Little Johnny joke's have been embraced by millions.

And shared by people from countries all over the World.

What makes these joke's so enduring?

Prehaps it's because he shows the world through the eyes of a child.

And tells it like...it is

A complete and utter mess

But i bet you didn't know that Little Johnny joke's are in fact based on...

Well...fact.

And here is a little gem weve dragged from the vaults.

That shows Little Johnny's debut on a short lived television show.

All right then Boys and Girls i want each of you to tell me your favourite word

a word you love and then use that word in a sentence...Shana

"Butterfly"...it's a beautiful word and they are my favourite insects.

Yes indeed indeed they are fabulous aren't they.

And Roger...your word

"Skylark"

"Skylark"...It's an unusual word can you put that in a sentence for our viewers at home

Yes...My Daddy owns a Buick "Skylark" and it's got a 322 5.3 litre nailhead V8 and...

Excellent excellent Roger you certainly know your cars

And next we have...Johnny...Johnny what word have you got for us today?

"Goin'"

Another unusual word Ladies and Gentlemen "Goin'"..can you put that in a sentence Little Johnny

Yeah... Go 'en get Fucked

Well..Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen sorry about those technical glitches the joys of live television

Ha-Ha-Ha...Well now Hello Lone Ranger and where is Tonto?

Don't know!!

Well er...So how are you today?

Good

Are you married? Are there any little Ranger juniors or Rangerettes? Ha-ha-ha-ha

No

And what's your word? Your favourite word your word of the day Mr.Ranger

"Smee"

"Smee"..."Smee" another unusual word can you put that in a sentence for me Mr.Ranger Sir?

Yeah.."Smee" again... So you can all go and get Fucked!!!

Why you little.....

Of course Little Johnny wasn't always like that

He was just a regular kid born in to a regular family

By regular...I mean they weren't particularly well off

Weren't famous went to church every Sunday

And ate Dinner at the Dinner Table

His father..Harry sold foundation garments to house-wife's looking for support

Whilst his Mother...Isabel took in ironing to earn extra money

Harry bought an 8mm camera and began to film his young family

And thus record a legend

The Legend of Little Johnny

Now it must be said that Little Johnny's use of prefanity was not a symptom of progressed Tourettes Syndrome

Nor was it due to Satan as many Church going Town's Folk may of thought

It wasn't the fault of his conserative parents

Who dis-allowed even the slightest obsenity

Where he got it from...is any body's guess

This is Little Johnny's Uncle Kevin and despite his penchant for profanity

He was a well liked decent sort of fellow

And Little Johnny looked up to him

And that's Uncle Kevin's wife..Mavis

She was tough enough to keep him in check

And this is Little Johnny's Cousin Cheryl

She's a dad's worst nightmare

As a family they treated Little Johnny as if he was there very own

More toast dear?

Oh i'm fine thanks

- Come on boy's...Breakfast - Okay

I just don't know what were going to do with those boys!

- Erm - It's the constant swearing

We really need to put a stop to it

I'm sorry...your going to have to punish them

Okay..okay...leave it to me

- Good morning Sweetie - Morning Mum...Dad

What would you like for breakfast Billy?

- Fuckin' Cornflakes please - What !!!...That's it young man

You've..Been..Warned..Mister

ooowwww...oooowwwww

Ah...Good Morning Johnny...and what would you like for Breakfast?

- Well...Not Fuckin' Cornflakes!! - What !!!

Oh...Uncle kevin's here

About time mate i could feel myself getting old

- Any how...G'day - Morning Uncle Kevin

Ha-ha..Hey mate you would of laughed this morning

You know that fuckin' cow with the one horn?

Well i was trying to seperate her from the calf next thing she's charging at me

I tried to jump the bloody fence got me gammy leg stuck in a bucket of feed

Shit's going everywhere... and i ended up face first in....

Everything alright mate?

Yeah okay...i suppose

You sure?

Well i think Mrs.Rogers is gonna fail me in arithmetic today

Fail ya!! why?

Well yesterday she asked me how much is 2 times 3 and i said 6

Yeah...That's right!!

Then she asked me how much is 3 times 2?

- What's the fuckin' difference? - Well that's what i said

- See ya Uncle Kevin - Yeah see ya little mate

Ah..Mr.Wilson...

Yes....

I have to tell you that yesterday at snack time i offered your nephew Little Johnny a cookie

And he said "I don't fucking want one"

Ha-ha-ha...Fair enough!! If he wants to be like that don't fuckin' give him one

Good Morning Class Miss Thomas is away for a couple of weeks and i'm your substitute Teacher

My name is Miss Prussy

A good way to remember that is to think of Pussy...But with an "R"

Good Morning Miss Pussy

It is my understanding that you have been studying Geography with Miss Thomas

So today...we will be learning about North America

And what is your name?

- Yes - Roger...maam

Roger...would you like to come up and find North America

- Erm...Here it is - Very good

Now class..who discovered North America?

Little Roger!!

No..Not exactly.... Okay...

Maybe we could take this opportunity to learn a little about one another

Would anyone like to share a story with us?

Yes... and your name?

Johnny Miss But everyone calls me Little Johnny

What would you like to share with us Little Johnny?

I had a stuttering Cat...

A stuttering Cat!!

- There's no such thing as a stuttering Cat - Yes there is...

- I had a Kitty Cat that stuttered... - Really...

Yeah...I was playing with him the other day and a huge dog jumped the front fence and attacked us

Oh dear that must of been very scary

Sure was my Cat raised his back and went ffff...ffff...ffff

And before he could say "Fuck" the Dog ate him

Silence..Please Please

That is a terrible story and certainly nothing to laugh about

All right...who's that laughing?

Sorry Miss Prussy

What's so funny Roger?

Well maam...I just saw...one of your suspenders

Well i never....

Get out of my classroom...this instant

i don't want to see you for the rest of the day

a simple statement of fact arouses such hostile reaction

- Quickly please... - Mummy won't be pleased

Who was that?

Name...

Mickey...Mickey Ramone Miss hee-hee-hee

And what's so funny?

I just saw...both of your suspenders hee-hee-hee

What is wrong with you Children?

Get out of my classroom you...horride little boy

I don't want to see you for an entire week!!!

Huh!!!...

And where do you think your going?

Well Miss Crunt...from what i just saw i think my school days are over

I didn't fully understand all of it you see it was on television

and they were like puppet's... but real or was it real but like puppets?

Aahh...You shitting me

Yeah...Yeah...I agree

What's the world coming too when a boy sacrifice's his dignity for a member of the opposite sex?

- Come on...let's go before i vomit.. - Yeah...

Erm...

Why would yo want a fancy smancy bicycle when you can't afford a packet of bubble-gum?

So Mary...Who's it gonna be?

Not you Jason it's never been you

And even when it was...it was him...

He thinks he's a big man

A Rebel...

But tell me Johnny what are you Rebelling against?

So...What have you got...Huh?

You wanna go to Harrison?

Take me anywhere you want Johnny

Argh...Get off me you...creep

Get a room!!!

What a riot you freakin' fairy

What's the world coming too when your best friend get's all fruity and...and...

Come on...forget about it you'll never be able to afford it

Wheels like that are for the rich and not for the like's of us

So...

Be happy with nothing...celebrate your poverty

Live for the humble victory's in life eat Rice like the rest of the world...

Dear...Santa...

You must be surpised that i'm writing to you in March

it being so soon after Christmas and all

Well i would very much like to clear up certain things that have occured since last year..

When i wrote you my letter

I asked for a Bicycle an Electric Train Set a pair of Roller-skates and a Football

I racked my brain studying the whole year and i did pretty good at school

I'm not lying to you there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me

WHAT BALLS YOU'VE GOT LEAVING ME A FUCKING YOYO A WHISTLE AND A PAIR OF SOCKS

And you gave that prick Jason all the stuff i wanted

And let him brag all over school about it

Don't let me see you trying to cram your big fat arse down my chimney next year

I'll be waiting...

I'll mess up your stupid Reindeer and scare them away

so that you have to walk back to the fucking North Pole

just like i have to walk to school because you didn't think i deserved that fucking bike

FUCK YOU

Ah...sincerly Little Johnny

- Morning Mum -Good Morning Darling

Why you rubbing that stuff on your face?

- To make myself beautiful - Oh..okay...

What's the matter Mum? Giving up?

When Little Johnny wanted something badly enough he'd do anything to get it

He was a born entrepreneur who was pretty damn clever when he put his mind to it

Johnny...What have you done with my bleeding power drill

Hello Johnny

Hello Father....

Well you two certainly make a nice picture...

What's your Doggie's name?

I call him Porky...

Porky!!! That's an unusual name for such a cute little Doggie

But why do you call him Porky?

Because he fuck's me Uncle's Pig...

Oh...er...Well i just stopped by to see if anyone you know would like to enter our Talent Quest?

Here take this flyer...

Contest!!

Money!!

Oh yes...

Real money?

It says so at the bottom

Must be off...Good-day now...

# Everywhere that Mary went Mary went Mary went

# Everywhere that Mary went the Lamb was sure to go

Wasn't she just lovely...Give her another round of applause Ladies and Gentlemen

And now we have Little Johnny...

Who's going to do some impersonation's i believe

Would you give him a big hearty Gallangatta welcome

Little Johnny....

Ahem...Ladies and Gentlemen...

My Uncle owns a farm just outta town

And nearly every weekend i..i go out there and help him

Today i would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds i hear on my Uncle's farm

Ahem...Hey you kids how many times do i have to tell you get off that fucking Tractor!!

Thank you...

Gimme me Bow Tie... Mum will kill me if i lose that

Really...

Well you had better listen up ya stupid Jarmuck

I can't give it back...But you can...get it back if you know what i mean?

Pleasure doing business with ya

Oh yeah...If you feel like singing like a Canary remember this Cojean is coming to kick ya ass

But why doesn't he sell the place and get another job for goodness sake?

He loves the farm he can't help that there's been a drought for 2 years

You'd think the bank would understand

I mean potentially the farm can earn more than than enough to pay the mortgage

Hmmm...Potentially yeah....But realistically the bank's only intrested in getting there money now

So Kevin better think of something or he'll loose the farm

Uncle Kevin...

Yeah mate...

What's the difference between potentially and realistically?

Hmm...Okay Go inside and ask Auntie Mavis if she'd have sex with the mailman for a million bucks!!

Auntie Mavis...

Yes Darling...

Would you have sex with the mailman for a million bucks?

Yes with the way things are at the moment i guess i would

She said she would Uncle Kevin

Jesus!!...Alright then now go and ask Cousin Cheryl if she'd do the same thing

Cheryl...

Yeah what...

If someone paid you a million bucks would you have sex with the mailman?

Ahh...Duh...For a million bucks of course i would

She said she would too

Yeah thought so...well there you go then mate

Potentially were sitting on 2 million bucks..

But realistically i'm just living with a couple of whores...

...Pear shaped organs and connected to it at the top are the Fallopian Tubes

And the two Ovaries

This is the information which you Dad should clearly understand

Before you can pass on correct knowledge to your child when he is old enough to understand

So...there you are class

That's what happens in sexual intercourse and that's how baby's are made...

Now has any one got an example from nature or real life..about what we've been talking about?

Yes Roger...

Yeah yes..yes..yes..I was climbing a tree yesterday and i saw a Nest with baby birds in it

Excellent example Roger... Yes Mary...

My Mummy had a baby last year it was my little brother Tommy

Very good Mary...

Yes Johnny...

I was watching the Lone Ranger on TV and he was surrounded by hundred's of Indian's

And they all attacked at one time...and he killed every one of them with just two guns

Well that's good Johnny...but what does it have to do with sex education?

Well..it will teach those Indian's not to fuck with the Lone Ranger Miss

Oh..Come in Boris

Look everyone...

This is very exciting...We have a new student all from Leningrad...Russia

His name is Boris... say Good Morning Class...

Good Morning Boris

Now Boris...would you like to tell us a little about where your from

In Russia we have saying "wierman harleck wasses"

"Butzeep"

Oh!!!..Don't forget your test results...

- Aaaawwww.... - Aaawww fuck...

Hi Dad... Hi Mum...

Hey...Hey...Hey... Not so fast Mister!!

If i remember correctly you got your test results today...

Well actually..i don't have em...

What do you mean you don't have em!!!

Well i did have em...But i leant em to Rog...

- He wants to scare his parents!!! - WHAT!!!

N..N..Nah!!..Just kidding...

Here they are...

Well at least there's one thing i can say that's good about Johnny...

- Oh..What's that?... - With results like these he couldn't possibly be cheating!!

Now children..Who'd like to come up and tell the class what they did on the weekend

Well Miss...Me and my brother Billy went down to the creek a few times

And what did you do at the creek may i ask...Swim?

Well..well our favourite thing to do is to catch Frog's Miss

Really...And what do you do with them?

Well Miss what we do is stick Fire-cracker's up their arse and light them!!!

Rectum Johnny...Rectum

Wrecked em..Blew em to the Shit-house...

Roger...Please tell me you did something more beneficial with your time off

Well Maam My family and i went to the beach and stayed at a camping ground

where we met some tourist's all the way from Minneapolis..Minnesota

Minneapolis..Minnesota Can you spell that for us Roger?

Actually Maam...i think they were from...L.A

All right Mary...

Miss Rogers and class

One of the thing's i did on the weekend was go around to Jason's place and place in his sand box

That sounds like fun...Mary

Now if you come up to the blackboard and can spell "Sand". I'll give you a fresh baked Cookie

Correct Here's a Cookie

Now Jason If you can come up here and write "Box" i'll give you a Cookie too

Now Mustafa... What did you do on the weekend?

Well Miss one day i saw Mary going over to Jason's place and i followed her

coz i wanted to play with them but when i got there Jason threw Rocks at me...till i went away

Threw Rocks at you!!!

That sounds like Blatent Racial Discrimination

Now if you can come up to the blackboard and write "Blatent Racial Discrimination" i'll give you a Cookie...

The letter "B" is for Benign

Outstanding Mary..Now can anybody else tell us what Benign means

Johnny

Benign... Is what my brother will be after he be eight

Okay Class...we've had some fun Now it's time for a reality check

I have marked your latest tests and apart from Mary the results were very disappointing

- Boris... - Da

In the English language a Fibular is not a little lie...

And Mickey for Science you said "H2O was Hot Water and CO2 is Cold Water"

Incorrect...

Errr..Maybe it was the other way around!! I can't remember...

And for your Science question Jason you were asked"What is a Nitrate"

And you said and i quote... "Cheaper than a day rate"

It's not funny children...

On this General Knowledge Question... "How do you delay milk going sour?"

One of you said "Keep it in the Cow"

Little Johnny...You shouldn't be laughing...

Math Question 5a asked...

"If your Father earned a hundred dollars and gave half of his pay to your Mother what would she have?"

You said "A heart-attack"

And for being smart...you get a big fat Zero

A Zero!!! I don't think i deserve a zero Miss...

Well i agree... But it's the lowest mark i can give you

- Ahem... - Yes Johnny...What is it?

I don't want to scare you Miss Pussy But just so you know...

Last night my Dad told me that if my grades don't start to improve

Somebody is going to get a spanking

Good night Darling...sleep well

Mummy...

Yes Billy

Could you sleep here with me tonight?

I can't sweetheart i've got to sleep with Daddy

He's a big sissy

Mum...ccan you give me a Dollar for my money jar?

A Dollar...I don't think so Darling...

If you do...

I'll tell you what Dad said to Betty from next door when she walked her dog past our place last night

Well then what did he say?

He said "Your dog's been digging holes under our fence again"

Hello there sonny... Would your parents be home?

Well what the fuck do you think?

Do yo know about our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ?

Well i know that he lives in our Bathroom!!

- He what!!! - How... - why do you say that Son?

Well every morning my Dad goes to the bathroom door knocks on it and yells Jesus Christ are you still in there!!

I was going to call first but i couldn't resist

i just had to see your face...

Aawww...Your shitting me

If i win the race... i'll be able to get the bike

You know what that means?

You'll have a bike?

It means i'll have to beat Jason... He's won it for years

But you don't know anything about Billy-Cart's or racing...

You'll have to do a crash course

Yep....Without the crashing...

Mate you can't get blood out of a stone

I said i was gonna fucking pay ya

I'm sure you understand Mr.Wilson that our records must be current in the relation to the value of this property and all associated assets

Yeah fair enough

You wouldn't mind if i take a look around

Yeah knock yourself out mate

Just mind that pile of tyres out the back there's another fucking snake down there!!

Get up there...Fuck ya stupid cow...

G'day there Uncle Kevin

Yeah mate

I'm just going inside to get a glass of water then i'll come and give you a hand

You want me to get you anything?

No thanks mate G'day Roger

Auntie!!!

Johnny!!!

What's that?

That...That's where God touched me with the Golden Axe

Really!!!

He got ya right in the Cunt!!

Thank you

I'm sorry Auntie Mavis but don't be embarassed

I saw Grandma's pussy one day too when i was staying over

I think her's was dead...the tongue was hanging out

According to our records your listed as having two toilets!!

But you only seem to have one in side

Yeah but what about the Thunder-box out the back?

What!!...I'd hardly call that a toilet

It's a collection of rusty Corrugated Iron with a plank of wood with a hole in it over a rusty bucket!!

There's not even a lock on the door

Mate i've been out here for years now no bastard's ever knocked off a bucket of shit the whole time i've been here

I think i've seen enough... I trust i'll see you in our branch on the 17th as agreed

Yeah yeah..right oh

Oh Uncle Kevin...

Uuhh...Oh What is it mate?

Uncle Kev do you know anything about Billy-Cart's?

I know a little bit about em...

Yes i have had immortal thoughts about her Father...

Immoral you say!!!

So who is this person?

Could it be the Suzie Fitz-Simmons lass?

No Father...I won't say

Oh Prehaps twas was that Meridith the skinny one i hear about?

No..No not at all

Oh it must be Betty?...Betty Stenton...

The amount of confessions i get about that girl...

N..No

Oh..Prehaps it's that continental strumpet Angelina...

No Father forget it i won't say...

Your very tight lipped Johnny and i must say i admire that in a young man...

But even thoughts can be sinful...and you must atone...

Say 8 Hail Mary's and behave...

So...what did you get?

8 Hail Mary's and 4 great leads....

And who knows where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?

I do Miss...i do...

Yes Johnny...

They go in the bushes behind the Church-Yard...

Err...Careful Johnny...we may have to wash you mouth out with soap

...Again

But it's true Mrs. Rogers Mickey Ramone showed me his Weener today at the Playground

It remined me of a Peanut!!!

Really...Small was it?

No...Salty

Mum...That man who works for God is here

Oh Hello Father how nice to see you

Hello Mrs.Murphy i just called to see if you were feeling better

This morning before Mass Little Johnny told me you were ill!!

Told you i was ill!!

- You know i think boys are stupid... - Oh I agree...

No were not...

Oh yes they are...All boys are stupid...

- Stupid stupid stupid - And girls are so much better

Oh yeah... At least i got one of these!!!...You haven't...

I Don't Care..Johnny

Because Mum say's that with one of these i can get as many of those as i like...

Just a minute Young man...

Oh Hi Mum...

Why did you lie to Father O'Flarity?

I didn't...

Well he told me that you said i was ill...

But you were Mum...

What makes you say that?...I wasn't ill

Well..I was walking past your bedroom this morning and i distinctly heard Dad say...

Come on turn over and take your medicine...

Oh..Well i'm much better now thank you...

Well come in here please we have a visitor..

Look who's here Johnny..Mrs. Quiggly

You remember Mrs.Quiggly... Go and give her a kiss...

Come Darling give us a kiss...

No....

Oh what's the matter Sweetheart?..You too shy?

No...She's too Ugly

Johnny!! How dare you... Appologise to Mrs.Quiggly this instant.... Appologise...

I'm sorry...Your so Ugly Mrs.Quiggly

Can i go now?

Okay...Quieten down Quieten down...

QUIET!!!

Ha!!..Thank you

Now Class...Today were gonig to talk about Multi-syllable Words...

Does anybody know of an example of a Multi-syllable Word?

Mary...

Pretty...

Very good... Roger...

Um Monkey...

Very good...

Yes..Johnny!!

Mas-ter-bate...

Oh Johnny..that's a mouthful...

Oh no Miss You must be thinking of Blow-Job

Quiet please...

Now let's move on..Okay today were going to have two special words

The first being.."Perhaps". Who can use the word "perhaps" in a sentence?..Yes Mickey...

If were good and we don't give you no trouble or nuttin' "Prehaps" you won't give us any homework...

Well we'll see about that... Yes Shana...

The sky is very dark "Perhaps" it's going to rain...

Excellent Shana...Very good use of the word...

YES JOHNNY!!!

Yesterday when i got to my Uncle's place after school my Cousin Cheryl and her Piano teacher both had there pants down around there ankles

- "Perhaps" they were going to shit on the Piano -JOHNNY!!!...

- Yes Miss... - That is totally unexceptable...

From now on you are to sit there... Do nothing...And above all else be quiet...

Now Children...For today's second special word

I would like to see if anyone can use the word "Beautiful" twice in one sentence...

Yes Shana...

My Cousin wore a "Beautiful" Wedding Dress and the whole Wedding was just "Beautiful"

Very good Shana... Yes Roger...

It was a "Beautiful" day and my Father took us to the Mountains for a Picnic and the views were simply "Beautiful"

Very good Roger...

Miss...Miss....I can use it in a sentence 3 times Miss

Really!!! Oh alright Johnny but be careful...

Well Miss one night my Cousin Cheryl came home and told my Uncle Kevin that she was Pregnant

and Uncle Kevin said "Beautiful"..."Beautiful".. Just fuckin' "Beautiful"...

That's it... I have had quite enough of you young man

You are constantly disrupting my Classes with your foul language

But it's like i'm invisible

She doesn't even know who i am...

And that's why you wanna win the race?

Yeah..I have to win the race...

No you don't mate...There are others ways of getting a girl to notice ya...

And if that fails...we'll go to Plan-B...

So what's Plan-A?

It's a known fact that over a half the world was conceived to love songs...

Write her a love song and even if you sound like shit she'll forgive you if she likes the words...

Uncle Kev...

Can you teach me a love song?

Hi Honey...I'm home

Hello Darling...We need to have a serious talk..

Look what i found in your son's closet when i was cleaning up today..

Well....What do you think we ought to do?

Well i don't think we should spank him...

# What's going on... # I'm starting to change...

# I get Butterfly's... # When they mention your name...

# I pant like a Puppy... # When i see your face...

# I got girl germs...

# I stammer and stutter... # When i try to speak...

# When you smile at me... # I go weak at the knee's

# I'm losing control Christ... # I hope i don't pee

# I got girl germs...

# I worried because... # Me Dick will drop off...

# And i'll grow me a full...set of Tits...

# And wear frilly knickers... # And make-up and stuff...

# And i'll have to sit down..to piss...

# What can i do... # Will this feeling go away...

# Sorta hoping it does... # Sorta hoping it stays...

# Uncle Kev say's... # I need to get laid...

# I got girl germs...

Oh Kevin what are gonna do?

Jesus I don't know love

I'm only short 100 bucks surely the Bank will give us a fucking extension

What..An extension on an extension..

Well why not!!!

We've been doing business with those bastard's for near on 10 years..

It's the least they can do...

Oh i hope your right Kev...

Hello Uncle Kev...

G'day mate...How'd it go?

Oh...Fuck...Well not everybody's got an ear for music...

We'll just have to try something else...

Bu..But she doesn't like me Uncle Kevin...

Mate she's a woman... She's just a bit confused in her head...

Watch it Kevin...

Well w..what i'm saying is that they're not like normal people...

And they need lot's of proof that your not a loser...

So how do we do that?

Err..Be a winner

Exactly...

Well there it is mate...Superstition Hill...

And it's not for Pussies...

Imagine..Your Crown Jewels are gonna be dangling no more that 5 inches from the ground...

It's like a bloody Cheese Grater at that speed...

I've seen many a Genital torn to shreds...

An they were the bloody lucky ones...

The other's...well...

But then again...i think superstition's got bugger all to do with it!!!

It's all about the bloody training...

Now you move into 5th position...

"Short worm shows balls to sun"...

Come on... Faster....

Put some bloody effort into it...

Those leg's have got to be like steel fuckin' springs...

Here we go...

Forgive me for asking but...Shouldn't Little Johnny at least have a go in a real Billy-Cart?

Ah shit yeah...obviously he's got to pass this test first...

So...What do ya reckon?

What a piece of junk!!!

Well she may not look like much but... she's got it where it counts kid..

She's a bloody marvel of engeneering...

Probarbly the fastest Downhill Racer ever built...

She's smashed all but 2 records around the country

Ball Bearing Hubs... Geared differential...

And about 40 pounds of ballast to speed things up...

So Johnny...You ready?

I'm ready...

Hang on...

Wow... Thrilling...

Okay so it needs a bit of oil...

Aarrgghh..Me fuckin' thumb...

He's ready...

- Really... - Yep...

Ready as he'll ever be..

God I know i'm not perfect

But if you can let me win the Billy-Cart Derby and get the money i need

I'll be able to buy the Super Deluxe Dragster Bicycle

And then maybe..just maybe a certain person won't think i'm a loser

And then she can be my girlfiend...

I know you can fix everything er even maybe a race sometimes

So i'm wondering that if i promise to be a better boy would you help me win the race

And beat that Boof-head Jason... That would be gratefully appreciated

Hey and if it's not too much to ask... Can you smack him in the Nut's while your at it

These are for you Rog.. So you won't miss anything...

Gee no one has ever done anything that nice for me before

Well...What are best friend's for...

Errm..I don't want to state the obvious but..

You do actually need a Billy-Cart to win a Billy-Cart race

It doesn't matter Rog

I'll never be able to beat them anyway in that rusty old thing Uncle Kevin has...

These guy's are professionals

Hey hang on... Put a lid on that sort of talk young-un...

Sorry i'm a little bit late... I had a case of the shits...

So...What do you think?

Oh i love it Uncle Kev...

And...This from your Auntie Mavis..

Thanks Auntie Mavis...

Now if things go to pieces out there!! And if the shit hits the fan...

Use the "F-O Lever"...

What is it?

Just a little invention i cooked up...

Like it say's "Only use in emergencies"

Got it?

Yep..Got it...

Now go win that bloody race kid

Well here we are Ladies and Gentlemen.. At the infamous Superstition Hill

For the Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby...

What began as a quaint local racing event has grown to be watched by thousands across the Nation

The atmosphere here is electric

And all around you can see the eager fans who have turned out to watch what promises to be

A heart-stopping jaw-dropping bone-crunching extravaganza

Now it's time to meet the competitors so over to you Father O'Flarity..

Thank you Howard...

Now i'd like to introduce some of our competitors before the race...

And first off we have Boris...

I see your sitting on some sort of Un-Holy Atom Bomb type Rocket-Cart

You think it will help your chances?

Dar...It will blow my competition away

So..Does the Red Threat have what it takes? I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

And who do we have here? Mustafa...And his Flying Carpet..

Are you confident that your wonderfully hand woven plush pile rug will see you through to victory?

Glory be to Allah!! For he will fly me to the finish line...

Yes indeed.. Ah Jason...

You are odds on favourite to win this year..

So tell me...Are you feeling the pressure as reigning Champ to make it 2 wins in a row?

3 actually Father...

You see the thing about this competition is... there is no competition..

Well folks with confidence like that who needs luck?

Next we have the eldest competitor in the race Mrs.Quiggly

I understand you have competed in every race since it's humble begining's

But have never actually run a place...

Yes..That's true

But this year i desperatly need that prize money for my beloved Terrier...

You see Toto is very ill indeed and the Vet bills are more than i can afford..

Seeing as i'm a pensioner..and a Widow

I'm sure our viewers hearts will be with you...Good luck and God Bless

With all this stiff competition i'm wondering if our next racer Mickey Ramone is feeling the heat?

Nah...Not from the others or that greedy old bag she's laying on the dying Pooch coupe like it's friggin'

I'm not fallin' for it...If she get's in my way.. You get whacked...

I'm in this to win...

See me in Confession

Well folks it seems there's enough rivalry to go around. Last but not least we have a young lad in what i believe is his first race..

So tell me Little Johnny.. Are you confident of a big win?

Yep...

Err so do you feel that Lady Luck is with you on this Friday the 13th and are you a superstitious man at all?

Never heard of her..And as for superstition on the kids err i couldn't care less..

Well that's the spirit..

God Bless ya son...

A wave of excitment has gripped the crowd as the clock ticks down to the main event..

It has been said that the Billy-Cart Derby is as much a mental challenge as it is physical..

Do you think your nephew has what it takes

Oh he's a smart boy alright...

Helping him with his math one day i asked him

"If there were 3 bird's on a fence and you shot 1..How many would be left?"

He said "None"

Oohh... Goodness...

I know so i asked him why... And he said "because when you shot the first 1 the others all flew away"

I said "The answer is 2" But it shows you were thinking...

Then Little Johnny asked me a question

"If there were 3 ladies sitting on a park bench eating Ice Pops"

"One is biting her's One is licking her's and the other is sucking her's"

"Which one is married?"

Well i said without really thinking "the one that was sucking on it"

Little Johnny looked at me ever so innocently said "no it was the one with the wedding ring"

But good on ya Auntie Mavis It shows you were thinking

Well err thank you Father for that insight..

Ladies and Gentlemen the racers prepare for the big moment

As Father O'Flarity offers a final blessing on this Friday the 13th on Superstition Hill

And now Ladies and Gentlemen the moment we've all been waiting for

The 1967 Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby

Mustafa has taken to the air... What an unbelievable sight...

Holy fuuuuuck....

Forget it you old bag... Go back to your nursing home...

You and your Little Toto too...

It seems that a little disagreement between Mrs.Quiggly and the carry over Champ

The tension going into fever pitch and getting the better of them

Come on mate..you can do it...

Come on Johnny...

Jesus Christ...

My goodness one of our competitors has become..Bogged Down!!

I have absolutely nothing to add...

Get out of my way you filthy little scallywag...

That money is mine...

- Back off she... - No spoilt little rich punks getting it

Not over my stinking..dead..body...

Come on Johnny you can fucking do it...

Settle down Kev.. You have to watch your blood pressure

It's only a race for God's sakes...

You are..finished...

Fuck-head...

You leave our Johnny alone you filthy cheating cock-sucking mother-fucker...

You..are..finished....

Like it says "Only use in emergencies"...

Holy shit....

Shoot me...Shoot me... Shoot me...

Johnny... Johnny...

Holy shi...Ladies and Gentlemen if he doesn't make it over the finish line he'll be disqualified

Can he do it?... Can he...

He can... He can...

Little Johnny has gone on to win the race an unbelievable...

- Johnny... - Fuckin' beauty..Good on ya young un...

Did i know it'll not be forgotten for generations to come

Well of course i'm proud of him he's a bloody Champion...

And he always makes me laugh..

Like the other day we were sitting on the fence watching a Bull with 2 Cows...

And i asked him what it was up to he says...

I'm watching the Black Bull fuck the Black Cow Uncle Kev...

The Missis was on to him she said

"Your not supposed to say that the Bull was surprising the Black Cow"

The next day at a family do with everybody gathered round the Missis said to Little Johnny she says...

"So Johnny did the Bull suprisse the Black cow today?"

Little Johnny said "Sure did he fucked the White one"

Kevin...

Thanks Uncle Kevin... I couldn't of done it without ya

Your welcome mate...

You may be only a little takka but ya got a bloody big heart...

You little shits...get outta my way That's my money...

Firstly Little Johnny may i congratulate you on your absolutley monumental

victory here today...You have shown tremendous courage

and will undoubtedbly become an inspiration for Down-hill Racers around the world...

Is there anything you would like to say to your fan's out here today?

Yep.. Goin'!!...

Why you little

I'll take it...

Congratulations Little Johnny she's a wonderful bike

Would you like it boxed? Or do you want to ride it home?

Ride thanks...

Watch it Dick-head...

Ah fuck off...

Uncle Kevin...

Your a very lucky young man it's the last one

Rare as Hens Teeth they are..

There's nothing else i can do for you Mr.Wilson good-day...

Oi hang on a bloody minute look mate i'm..i'm not asking for any favours here just a little bit more time..

Time did you say?..Yes if only we as mere mortals could control something as dreary as time..

But alas we can't so i won't..thank you

48 Hours

Al-alright 24

I'm not asking you to change time just..just look the other way for a little bit

I'm afraid the balance must be paid today in full or we will for-close on your property

So that's it huh!!...

I'm gonna loose every fuckin' thing i worked for and all for a pissy little 30 Dollars..

30 Dollars or a 1000 to the Bank makes no difference..

Well mate it makes a big bloody difference to me..

We are a Financial Institution not a Charity..

Well what happened to the Old Australian "Fair-go"

Proberbly on vacation along with the Good Samaritan's now if you don't mind

Don't mind...don't mind...

Well as a matter of fact i do fucking mind Ya fuckwitt

There's no need for language like that sir...

Mate i haven't even fuckin' started on you yet...

Right...

Help...

Now tell me what's it take to save me fuckin' farm?

30 Dollars...

Uncle Kevin...

Yeah mate..

Here's your 30 Bucks..

Thank you young man...

Happy counting Mister

Hey thanks mate.. you know i'll make it up to ya

Don't worry Uncle Kev you already have!!

Really!!...How's that?

You know something Johnny..You got a bloody good head on your shoulders

Did i ever tell you that?

Aaww thanks Uncle Kev

Hey guy's... wait for me

Say did you get the bicycle?

Nah...

Grew out of it

I know you and Mary are like an item and all and..

normally that's like well a..a big problem with me

But i believe in my heart..we'll see this thing through!!

Like mates so if it's alright with you both can i still hang out with you guys?

Course you can Rog...

Oh great...

Were mates...

Of course

So what became of Little Johnny?

Did he find success?

Or failure?

It doesn't really matter

The point is Little Johnny has become part of folk-law

A Legend...

And as we all know...Legend's never ever die...

Mr.Hanson can i ask you something?

Of course Johnny... What is it?

Well Mary and i wanna get married is that alright?

Oh i don't see why not!! But there's a few thing's to sort out

Like..err where will you live?

Well i figured i could just move into Mary's room!!

It's big enough for the both of us easily..

Oh i see..Erm how will you support her?

Well we'll eat here...

I get a Dollar a-week allowance and so does she..

I got a bit saved up...That should be enough

Alright and what if any little one's come along?

Well finger's crossed we've been lucky so far!!!

Why's that funny Uncle Kev?