Original subtitles

Yee-haw!

George Benjamin here with Channel 7 News.

The Amityville house, yes, you heard that right.

The Amityville house is finally being torn down

after countless hauntings, murders,

mysteries, sharks, vibrators, Christmas vacations.

I mean, you name it

and it's happened at the Amityville house.

Next up, Goro Chan Saha sits down to talk about

his latest film the big budget extravaganza,

"Kiss My Lips Before You Die Part 4".

If you're one of those people

that just need a relic from the house, you're in luck.

Items from the house are being auctioned off

and can be yours.

True life memorabilia,

spooky household items all within your grasp.

Just check out the website.

I don't know about you

but I may sleep with the light on tonight.

I never really liked any of those Amityville films.

I always thought they were kind of boring.

Well, maybe except for that one

with the the grandfather clock.

Yeah, that one was pretty cool.

I'm Steve Martin and this is my video store.

No, I am not the actor Steve Martin.

I am a video stone owner.

There's so many movies here.

I have got them all.

Scary movies.

Funny movies.

Action.

Hey everybody, it's Spider here coming to the podcast.

Okay, so I don't know,

but don't you find it a little weird that the same week

that they started auctioning off all these Amityville items

a bunch of weird alien UFO stuff starts popping up.

I was in my backyard

and one of those UFOs zoomed by.

I immediately lost control of my legs and my bladder

at the same time.

I can never enjoy a cookout again.

Not after that.

Mary Lee Bunchcake local stamp collector and historian

says, "That aliens have been visiting the area for years,

and she welcomes them with open arms."

I don't know about you,

but I wouldn't want any little green men

probing around my husband's behind.

Now back to Janet with the weather.

It looked weird.

Like a giant pie in the dark sky

with some lights on it.

When I was little,

I dreamed of seeing aliens.

Now I just want them to stop.

I hear aliens screaming whenever I close my eyes.

It was about three feet tall I reckon.

Big eyes like a Bratz doll.

I've seen a lot of stuff in my life.

Scary stuff, funny stuff, ah, weird stuff.

But the.

I went out looking for a fight,

but dammit, now I'm love with a alien.

♪ When you were born your mamma sad ♪

♪ The lord bless you and keep you ♪

They're cute.

Increased sightings, UFOs, no word from authorities.

What is going on?

Hello, paranormal fans.

This is your favorite podcaster Francis Herman.

We have a wild episode for you today.

Aliens in small town America.

It's wild and may be apparently true.

We will sit down and talk to eyewitnesses

that have seen these aliens firsthand,

and even some of them have been probed.

Insane.

Stick with us.

Hey, quick question.

Wow.

Bodacious bod, sis.

Dude, what the fuck?

I'm trying to change.

Can't you knock?

No time for knocks, sis.

Tonight's the big night.

New Year.

Okay, who cares?

We have a party to prepare for?

We?

A party?

Well, that's where it gets really fun

'cause this party is happening right here.

And one more thing, did you unplug all of the computers?

Because apparently at 12 o'clock,

they're all supposed to be blowing up.

I think that's called Y2K.

And what about mom and dad and Annie

Shh.

Listen, it's real.

You need to unplug all the computers,

make sure they're shut off before you unplug them,

and yeah, it's called Y2K.

I know I just told you that.

And mom ad dad left this morning.

Remember the cruise?

Oh yeah, that was today.

Okay, but still, we can't have a party here.

Annie's coming over and we have plans.

Oh, snap.

Annie the hot goth girl cutie with a booty.

That's a good idea definitely invite her.

We need her at this party.

I didn't invite her to your party.

Our party.

Now I'm gonna grab some music.

Um, should I get a DJ?

I do have that Sugar Ray CD, and I do,

I really want Sugar Ray to be played.

So my CD's only about an hour long.

I'm gonna get a Sugar Ray specific DJ, okay?

Yeah, this party is gonna be all that and a bag of chips.

Sugar Ray.

All that and a bag of chips.

Hello?

Hey, Annie. Hey, M.

What's up?

My brother just came into my room

and told me they're throwing a party here tonight.

Shit.

Did you tell him we have plans?

I didn't tell him what we were doing,

but I told him you're coming over and then we have plans.

But the moron thought I was inviting you.

Oh.

Did he say anything about me?

I don't know.

He said something about a hot goth girl with a booty.

He called me hot?

Hello.

Annie, what the fuck?

The point is there's gonna be a party here tonight

and we have things to do.

Okay, okay.

Just let your brother have his little party

and maybe it'll distract him enough

so we can do what we need to do.

Okay, Annie, I hope you're right.

Unless you wanna go to the party.

I don't wanna go to the party.

Do you?

Of course not.

Good.

Good.

So did your mystery item arrive?

Not yet, but it'll be here soon.

Did you read all the books?

Yep, multiple times.

I know exactly what to do.

Okie dokie.

Sounds good.

Well, I'll throw something on and head right over.

Sounds good.

See you soon.

See ya.

What now?

Of course, these idiots are here

at eight in the morning.

Chapman!

Nichols!

Ooh! Ooh!

Go wolves!

Whoo! Hell yeah, bro.

Hell yeah, brother.

Hell yeah, brother.

Hey, hey man.

Yeah.

Okay, hey, man.

Hey.

Hey. You can let go.

You can let go now.

Oh my bad, bro.

My bad.

'Nam flashback, 'Nam flashback.

Fucking kill me now.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, Marianne.

Oh my God, I can't wait to decorate for this party.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Yay, I know.

I'm so excited for it.

I'm Liz.

Gag me.

Ugh.

Yeah, I'm excited for the party, babe.

I know you're gonna be great. Hell yeah.

Yeah, Nichols is my boy,

and he don't lie like that fucker Seth.

He fucking sucks.

Ooh, ooh.

'Nam flashback, 'Nam flashback.

I'm just kidding, y'all.

I, I, I was never in 'Nam.

So who else coming to this party?

'Cause Annie's coming over and we have plans.

Oh my dear sis, mom and dad are gone.

So this party is going to be going all night.

Oh!

Nichols!

Oh!

Go wolves!

Well, I'll tell you what, we'll just stay in my room.

Try to keep it down please.

Hey.

Me again, Liz.

You should like totally hang out with us and party.

We can do our makeup, get ready together.

Liz.

I got like pink streamers and pink balloons

and we got all kinds of lights.

And we also got those little attachable earrings

that are glow sticks and glow jewelry.

It all looks so cute.

I would rather travel the depths of hell

than to spend an hour

with a bunch of community college preps.

You know?

I think that's a maybe.

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

Maybe, maybe.

Hell yeah, brother.

Hell yeah, brother.

Ah.

I hate parties.

How am I supposed to do this with a party going on tonight?

Stupid parties.

And I hate Liz.

Do I wanna go to the party?

No.

Maybe.

Wait.

I don't know.

♪ I'll make you love ♪

♪ I'll make you love ♪

♪ I'll make you love ♪

♪ I'll make you love ♪

Go away.

Leave me alone.

Oh, what the hell?

What?

Hello?

I'm Jack the Ripper, bitch.

You bitch.

Shut up.

Ra, ra, ra, ra.

You got me.

Well, I guess since you're dead now,

I can have your mystery package when it arrives, huh?

I mean, technically you can take it,

but you won't have it for long.

Oh yeah, and why is that?

Well, you popped up on the cameras outside.

Your fingerprints are all over the knife

and you have a motive.

My motive?

What would that be?

Well, hon, isn't it obvious?

You're obsessed with me.

Oh, M, you got me.

I'm totally obsessed.

So did your package arrive yet?

You just asked me that on the phone earlier.

It's been hours.

Holy shit, how should I sleep that long?

You must be really tired, M.

Yeah, I guess so.

So same question still remains.

Did it show up?

Not yet, but it'll be here soon.

I paid for confirmed delivery on this date.

It's literally the last day of the year.

You really waited until the last minute, right?

It was the quickest shipping I could get.

So be real with me.

All I know is that you ordered some rare item

off the internet or something.

You are not gonna believe this.

For sale.

Rare items from the infamous murder house in Amityville.

Once the site of numerous murders, hauntings,

and other unexplained phenomena before being demolished,

Randall Auctions now gives you the chance

to own a piece of the property.

Why are you interested in something from Amityville?

Well, normally I wouldn't be interested

in any of that Amityville nonsense.

But you know my friend Tony?

Yeah, the collector dude.

Yeah, well, he went to this auction

to get some old grandfather clock or something,

but when he got there,

some architect had already snagged it.

And?

Well, he started looking around

and he found this really weird box

with the knife in it.

Guess what's special about the knife?

I don't know, M.

Is it haunted or something?

It'd belonged to Jack the Ripper.

The Jack the Ripper?

Like Jack the object of your obsession Ripper?

Yes, Annie, my dear, the Jack The Ripper.

The original serial killer.

Wow.

That's awesome.

So that must be like a super rare artifact, huh?

I wonder why it was at the auction at Amityville.

Honestly, no clue.

Something about the old owner was a collector of odd items

and you know that was before he.

What?

He died? Yep.

Killed himself.

Blamed it on the house.

The city just demolished the house

and sold off all the items.

Family didn't want anything.

Wait, so how does Tony know

that this is the actual knife that Jack the Ripper used?

Well, Tony used to be about the Ripper lifestyle,

like myself, before he moved to Tinseltown to make movies.

So he knew details that the auction house didn't.

They had no idea what they had.

So how does this play into our plans for tonight?

No way, Marianne.

Yep.

We are going to communicate with Jack the Ripper.

Holy shit.

Oh my God.

It's gonna be insane.

Now I understand why you were so worried

about your brother's party.

How are we gonna pull this off?

We're just gonna have to do it in here

and lock the door so nobody can disturb us.

You know, we only have one chance if this is real.

I know, I've read the books.

The seance has to start directly

at the fall of nightly

at the point of darkness on the night before.

No, dammit it.

I still fucked it up.

The seance says a start directly at the moment

of full darkness at the night before new,

what the fuck is happening?

The seance says to start directly at the moment

of full darkness the night before

a new lunar year with an original touched item

from the individual.

Okay, okay, I'm in.

But you know, we can't tell your brother

or his friends anything about this, right?

Oh, not at all.

They'd interfere and ruin everything.

We'll just go to the party and act like nothing's going on.

Let's not raise suspicion.

Exactly.

We act excited, but we're really not.

Oh, of course not.

I hate parties and I hate people.

Especially those people.

Maybe we should get dressed up,

you know blend in a little bit.

That makes sense.

We should definitely do that.

I'll hate it though.

Yeah, me too.

Hell yeah.

We are totally gonna scare off the college normies.

I thought we weren't going to the party.

Well, I mean, we can't let our looks go to the waste.

We look fucking amazing.

Okay, but we do the seance first.

Deal?

What exactly are you hoping to achieve with this seance?

Like, do you really think that we're gonna communicate

with Jack the Ripper?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

You know, I love you and you're my best friend,

and I'll do anything for you, but I just don't.

Do you think that's it?

I have no clue.

Let's go look.

Man, I cannot believe that there's not a DJ

that specializes in Sugar Ray.

Ugh, looks like an eight year old's birthday party

in here.

You're so funny, Marianne.

This is horrendous.

I hate all of it.

Looks like confetti exploded in here.

Oh, hey ladies.

Check it out, Nichols.

The balloon's my cock.

Ah, nice, it was the mailman.

Yes.

Okay, we need to get this out of this box.

Didn't that paper say not to do that?

I mean, you don't actually believe

that letter though, do you?

After all the books that we've read

and everything that's led us to this point,

you wouldn't believe that piece of paper?

Annie, cut it out.

It's a movie.

This is what we're supposed to be doing.

This is what you want us to do, right?

Okay, count me in.

Let's find a way to open this case.

Right, I think I have a hammer in here somewhere.

In this drawer that was already open.

Um, M.

This box feels kind of weird.

What do you mean weird?

Like cold static.

Like cold static.

I don't know how else to explain it.

It's just how it feels.

You know, the friend who found this for me

says that he feels like every item

that comes out of the Amityville house

imbued with the power of that place.

Really?

Really.

I'm sorry, wait, I can't, sorry.

It's just too funny.

Come on, Marianne.

Be serious.

Did he really say that?

Yeah, he really did.

But I mean, come on, you can't believe that.

Of course I do.

Everything that happened in the Amityville house was true.

And can you just imagine if this knife of Jack the Ripper's

became imbued with the power of the Amityville house?

It'd be like we had some sort of Amityville ripper

on our hands.

True, but I think that's kind of the point.

I'm pretty sure that the name of this movie

is "Amityville Ripper".

Really?

I think so.

Kind of a shitty name.

Is this movie called "Amityville Ripper"?

Anyone?

Ah, thank you.

Yeah, see "Amityville Ripper".

At least it's marketable, I guess.

Okay, well, let's try to find a way to open this thing.

Sweet.

Let's get ready.

Actually, wait, let's,

let's light some candles and get that board ready

before we do this.

Good idea.

Montage?

We just did one.

Is that cool?

Sure, it's cool.

The director loves montages, right?

Yeah. Hell yeah, I'm in.

All right.

All right, that's the last one.

Sweet.

Let's get this thing started.

I guess the party's about to start.

Yeah.

Do you want to go check it out?

We should go scope it out, make an appearance at least,

and then afterwards we can come back up here

and have our own little party with Mr. Jack the Ripper.

Hell yeah, let's go.

Okay.

Oh, there are a lot more people here than I expected.

Yeah, this is actually a really big party.

Where's Nichols?

There she is.

Here you go, girly.

Thank you, Liz.

Where's yours?

I can't drink beer.

Are you kidding me?

I'm the head cheerleader.

I have to stay fit.

I can't put that poison into my body.

It's a temple, you know?

They say that.

Who said that?

You're so funny.

Thank you for the beer.

Well, it wasn't my idea.

The director wrote it into the script.

But you're welcome.

Whoa, whoa!

Woo.

Yeah!

Hell yeah, bro.

How the hell did you do that shit, man?

I, I don't know.

That was fucking awesome.

It was like I was seeing an angel, dog.

You were that angel chugging that vodka right there.

When I saw you doing that, man, you touched me.

My heart and my balls, made 'em tingle.

It felt good.

Now I'm a little confused.

Okay.

What the fuck was that?

You wouldn't understand, sis.

Okay, well, Annie and I are gonna be in my room for a bit.

Make sure no one comes in there, okay?

Um, is this gay stuff?

Oh my God, Nichols, you're making me blush.

Cut that shit out. No, we're not doing gay stuff.

What the fuck?

I'm your sister.

Wow.

Wait, I thought, you were like my stepsister

this whole time.

I thought I was like your sister sister.

This whole time I thought you were like my stepsister.

Wait a minute, are y'all saying sister

like, like black people say sister?

Like sister, like what's up sister?

How you doing sister?

I thought they were talking about that show

with the twins Tia and Tamara.

That's a good show. Yeah, it is.

Bobby, am I his sister sister or his stepsister?

Uh, I really didn't think about it.

Um, I guess you're his stepsister.

Fine, still weird, but you're the director.

No, we're not doing gay shit.

We're doing schoolwork.

Yeah, schoolwork.

Hey.

Hey.

What?

Can't keep doing that.

Doing what? Pulling me away

every time I try to talk to him.

To Nichols?

Yes to Nichols.

I kind of dig that dude and I think he digs me.

Plus the script says you're supposed to eventually be okay

with me liking him anyway so.

Yeah, but that doesn't happen for like 11 more pages.

Couldn't we just do it now and save us both the headache?

Can we do it now?

Yeah, nothing has stopped you so far.

Do whatever you want, I guess.

Is it okay?

Yeah, it's okay.

Can we get to the seance?

Oh my fucking God.

I'm so sorry it was an accident.

I don't even know why Liz is so nice to you.

You're both just a couple of freaks.

She's not worth it.

She dies in a few pages anyway.

I guess I need to go shower

since I'm all soaked.

Don't get too excited.

There's no nudity.

What's wrong, daddy?

Dammit.

Damn, dude, you scared the shit outta me.

My pecker went up in me.

I scared your wiener up in you.

What?

Yeah, it, it went up in me.

Like your own, uh?

Uh.

Cock?

Yeah, you know, like when a turtle gets scared

and it goes in the shell,

that's my pecker right now.

It might not never come out.

Yeah, it's an innie right now.

It's just balls.

Okay.

How, how's that even happening?

So first time it happened, I was like seven or eight,

maybe, a little, little foggy memory for me.

You know, traumatic. Yeah.

I tried to block it out.

I saw this big pit bull dog running at me

from down the street.

The kids that owned it were mean to it.

So I knew it was coming from my ass.

And I felt my pecker just retract inside me.

It went ooh.

And I had a innie just like that.

It didn't come out for days.

I was scared shit less of that dog.

Damn.

And that's how I found out Santa Claus wasn't real.

Look we're way off script here.

And I'm, I'm frustrated.

Dammit, if you're frustrated, I'm frustrated too.

You wanna sit on my lap?

Is that in the script?

Um, no, I don't see it in the script anywhere.

Ryan might be improvising.

Just do it.

Okay, I don't understand how this fits in this story,

but okay.

Come on.

Ooh, yeah.

We gotta get in there.

In where?

My sister's, step stepsister's room.

Why?

Because I know they're doing gay stuff in there, man.

Like they're naked.

You know, we, we wanna see that stuff.

Yeah, dude, you're probably right.

Yeah. I got a strong gaydar

and it's never off.

Yeah.

And they could be bi.

Hell yeah, bro.

And we wanna see that.

What's, what we can do is we're gonna circle back

and there's a window.

We'll go to the window and then we'll look

through the window. Uh-huh.

And then we'll see the gay stuff.

Yeah, they're probably playing with each other's boobies.

Yeah.

All right, let's do that.

Let's go.

Come on.

Nichols.

What the hell, bro?

Nichols my guy, where you at?

Dude?

What the fuck, dude?

Nichols!

Oh, dammit.

Holy shit, dude.

Oh.

Did you tally whacker go back in you?

It never left.

Let's go see some gay stuff, buddy.

Let's do it.

How'd we get you in here?

I don't know, man.

I just got here.

Fuck it, let's go out the front door.

Okay.

Do you have the locks on?

Nah, man, they're unlocked.

Okay.

Put your back into it.

Come on.

Is that all you got?

The lock's on.

It is time.

Are you ready?

I think so.

There's been so much buildup to this and now it's time.

What if it doesn't work?

Holy shit, but what if it does work?

Why are you in this thing anyway?

Uh, first I was supposed to be in

like a motorized cart or something,

but the director couldn't find one.

So here I am in this janky ass wheelchair.

Okay, but why even be in a motorized cart to begin with?

Oh, yeah, I forgot that part.

I'm supposed to have a broke leg or something.

Remember, we're football players.

That makes no sense.

None of this shit makes sense, man.

Like how can we see them?

Oh, shit.

You can see them too?

Thank God, I thought I was tripping, homie.

We can all see them.

So what the hell is this, dude?

I thought I was just acting in a movie.

Brother, it's an Amityville sequel.

Shit's different here.

So what do we do?

No one really knows, man.

You just make your way through it, see what happens,

try to remember the script.

That's fucking weird, dude.

I'm just happy to be working.

Right, let's do this.

Let's do it.

What do you see, man?

Are they scissoring?

I can't really see.

I bet you anything they're scissoring.

Oh shit, I think she's gonna sacrifice

and kill that goth girl or something.

What do you think we should do, bro?

I have to save her. Come on.

That goth girl's totally gonna gimme a BJ after this.

Hell yeah, dude.

There's no way she won't.

You're totally right.

I must have done something wrong.

I don't, I don't understand.

Uh, M.

It's happening.

Do it!

That was short lived.

What happened?

Hey, where have you guys been? Let's party.

My sister's trying to sacrifice Annie to the devil

and we have to stop it.

Get Chapman.

I thought this movie was supposed

to be about Jack the Ripper and Amityville.

I don't even know anymore, dude.

I think we're supposed to go too.

Come on!

Well, I guess we can try again next year.

I just don't understand.

I did everything like the book said.

M, you bought that book from the Scholastic Book Fair

when we were kids.

I guess you're right.

So is that the end of the movie then?

Please don't, don't kill the objective,

objectively hot goth girl.

Yeah, what he said.

She's way too hot to die.

What the fuck?

Get out.

You can't kill her and I won't allow it

and I'm not gonna fight you on it.

No, bro, don't do it.

So kill me instead.

Yeah, nobody's trying to kill me.

What's up with that hammer then?

And that weird knife in the box?

Yeah, and what about that Ouija board?

I'm sure he was just gonna say that,

but you know, I wanted to interject too.

Yeah, what's up with all that?

And why aren't y'all doing all gay stuff and finger banging

and scissoring and all that?

Yeah, why aren't y'all lezzing out?

Okay, look, that knife was from Jack the Ripper.

We were trying to hold a seance to communicate with him.

Fortunately it didn't work and just created a big mess.

I think that's a goddamn lie.

That's right, that's right.

What he said.

Got a weird feeling that they ain't even gay, bro.

Well, I can help you clean up the mess if you want.

I don't mind.

I don't want your help.

I don't even want you here.

What are you a moron?

I'm not a moron actually.

I'm just trying to be nice.

If you don't want my help, then fine.

But I'm just trying to be your friend.

Okay, I am sorry I might've been a little.

Well, I guess I'm back.

Everybody, you have to get out now.

You have to leave.

You're in danger.

She's telling the truth.

You're all gonna die tonight.

We accidentally brought back the ghost of Jack the Ripper

and he's imbued with the power of the Amityville house.

Dammit, all of these people are extras.

They haven't even read the script.

They have no idea.

Ding, light bulb.

Okay, everybody split up and convince

as many people as possible.

Split up in a horror movie?

Uh, I think I live so let's do it.

Well do I live?

I didn't read the script.

No, seriously do I live?

Okay, let's meet back here ASAP.

Shit.

Freaking idiots spilling beer on,

well, let's be quite honest,

the hottest person here.

Even sticky from the beer, I'm still freaking hot.

Oh my.

Open the door.

♪ London bridge is falling down ♪

♪ Falling down, falling down ♪

♪ London bridge is falling down ♪

♪ My fair lady ♪

Jack is back, baby.

Woo hoo!

Dude, you have to get out. Yes, get out.

There's a knife and a ripper and

You're gonna die.

Tall person. You, you

Come back.

Yeah, can I get a large pepperoni delivered?

Hey, you guys have to get out of here.

There's some guy on the loose.

Come on, get off the phone.

I'm being serious.

No.

This is not the time for pizza.

I thought it was always time for pizza.

Am I right?

I could take a break for pizza.

I mean extra cheese, mushrooms, pepperoni, pineapple.

Nah, you gotta get some olives on there, man.

Extra black olives.

Of course we're gonna get black olives.

Little balsamic glaze.

Mm-hmm.

Get out now.

Go.

Go.

Anyway, we gotta get out of here.

Hell yeah.

Have you guys had any luck?

Not much.

No one believes us.

Because all of these Amityville sequels

have gotten so outlandish.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Wait, I have an idea.

Let's use the script.

The script?

Yeah, I mean, none of us know the script very well

because, well, the director decided to give it

to us at the last minute.

So let's just see what we're supposed to be doing.

You know that's not a bad idea.

Can you tell me if I die while you got that thing?

Uh, sure.

Um, nope.

Uh, looks like you're good.

You make it.

Hell yeah, man.

I knew Bobby would never kill a guy in a wheelchair.

So what's it say?

What are we supposed to be doing?

Here we are, party scene.

Oh, shit.

Huh?

That cheerleader girl died in the bathroom last scene.

Catherine.

See if you guys would've been lezzing out

like we thought you were.

None of this would be happening,

but no, you guys gotta be spooky

'cause you listen to Baha or whatever.

Uh, yeah, Catherine from the looks of her lines,

she's pretty full of herself too.

Yeah, it's true.

She's hot or was hot.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Come on, let's go to the bathroom and see if this is true.

Hello?

Is someone in the shower?

Catherine.

Cat, it's Liz.

Are you okay?

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

Carved her up.

Holy shit.

Are you naked?

What?

I just wanna know if she's got big old mommy milkers.

You guys know I like big titty breasts.

Valid question.

I like mommy milkers.

Hey.

Whoa, dude, that costume is fucking tight.

I love Dracula, dude.

Dracula, mate?

Yeah, is that not a Dracula costume?

Of course it is not.

I am Jack the Ripper.

Nah, dude.

That's a Dracula costume from Amazon.

Bobby.

Yeah.

Is this a Dracula costume from Amazon?

Yeah, but it's basically the same thing, man.

It's fine.

Bobby, I thought we were going for screen accuracy.

Dude, I did what I could with what we had.

You know, SRS movies are low budget.

What I need to do is go get my pickup truck,

I need to go back to the house 'cause I'm tired.

But for this one time, last time,

I'm gonna do this amateurish junk for you.

Fine, just finish the scene please.

All right.

Did you order a pizza?

I guess it does look pretty good.

Bollix!

It's hot!

You gotta let that shit cool

before you dig in, little brony.

One moment, mate.

I think I got something for you right around the corner.

This movie sucks.

I can have a piece of this after we're done, right?

Excuse me, good sir.

Could you come over here please?

We can make it snappy little bro.

But I gotta rewatch "Dawson Creek" season three finale

and you know, come on.

Dude, you're wild.

You can't cut pizza with a chainsaw, man.

Chainsaw.

I like it.

Yeah, it's a chainsaw.

And you can't cut pizza with a chainsaw.

Listen here, old chap, this chainsaw ain't for the pizza.

It's for you.

Hey dude, if you don't have the money, no sweat.

Like I'll just be going home like.

Well, I guess that pizza was half off.

Guys, we like totally have to call the police.

I agree.

But it's not like we can just call them

and tell them that we brought back Jack the Ripper

with the power of the Amityville house.

We can't tell them that.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

Okay, I got it.

Someone gimme a phone.

You've reached 911.

If your emergency related to ongoing reports of UFOs,

please press one.

Otherwise, stay on the line.

UFOs?

911, what's your emergency?

Yeah, I got these, these kids and they're partying

and I want you to send someone over to get them out.

Okay, sir.

I'll send an officer right away, okay?

Yeah.

Thank you, thank you so much.

God bless.

Yes sir, thank you.

Next time use non, go away.

Hell yeah, I fucking killed that shit.

Hell yeah, dog.

That was fucking so smart, man.

You're the, you're the best.

You know I love you.

You know, you're so beautiful.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

What does the script say?

Let's see.

I say, I think we should just stay in here and lock the door

until the police arrive.

Then Nichols says, I think that's a good idea.

Let's stay put.

That sounds nothing like something that I would say.

I actually do not think that we should do that.

Yeah, man, fuck that idea.

Shit is dumb.

This fucking script sucks.

It has zero character development.

Just skip ahead and see what happens.

Can we do that?

No, you can't do that.

You guys are fucking up this movie.

We're on page 62 and none of you are dead yet.

I thought I didn't die. Of course you die.

You're in a wheelchair, you're gonna die.

Fuck.

First of all, this idea sucks.

This script sucks and you, Mr. Director,

are the reason why this movie sucks in the first place.

You guys would stop going off script,

we'd be fine.

You know, I didn't fucking even read the goddamn script.

Let's just finish this shit

and I, I'm taking this script.

Figure it out.

Action.

I think we should just stay in here

and lock the door until the police arrive.

I think that's a good idea. Let's stay put.

837820584.

That must be the police.

Okay, we have to get out there

before they leave.

Come on everybody.

We have to be careful though.

Jack the Ripper is still out there.

Yep.

39th Glenridge Avenue.

Dispatch, I'm out at that college party.

Something's going on.

It's weird.

I'm gonna need some backup out here.

We don't have the people at the moment.

You know that.

I can feel it in my gut.

Something is seriously wrong out here.

Dammit, Reed.

Everyone is all over the town investigating these UFO calls.

We don't have anybody.

Well, I'm telling you, you guys are gonna be very sorry

when you don't come out here

and help me save the one brain cell amoebas at this party.

Something is bad wrong, guys.

Guess I gotta do it myself.

Reed out.

But first I gotta put these bad boys in sport mode.

Sport mode.

Dammit, where's the cop?

Oh, come on, this feels off.

Yeah, let's go call 'em again.

Wait, I thought somebody ordered pizza.

What he fuck was that?

Yeah, what the hell?

Open it. I can't.

I don't know.

Police, open up!

Officer, the door's stuck.

It won't open.

Someone's already dead.

There's, there's a killer on the loose.

Please help us. Guys, get back.

I'm gonna try to bust it in, okay?

You know what?

Stay safe.

I'm gonna go around and try to get in the back.

Fuck!

It's okay, we'll be safe.

The cop will save us.

I don't think that's what she was thinking about.

Okay, well if she's not worried about that,

then what's the problem?

If I remember the script correctly,

it's about to get much worse.

Wait, how much worse?

No one can escape.

They're working together.

Who's working together, Marianne?

The power of the Amityville house is trapping them

while Jack the Ripper kills everyone.

What the hell we going to do?

Yeah, what do we do?

We have to get out of here.

Now's the time, run.

Get outta the way, M.

Whoo!

I've gotta get in there.

Oh God.

Dude, push me behind something, man.

Hide me. I'm out here in the open.

Where are we gonna put you behind?

Fuck, why'd the director put me in this damn wheelchair?

Throw that, throw that camouflage blanket over me, man.

He won't see me under that.

He's definitely gonna see you with that on you.

What do you mean it's camo?

How's it gonna hide you?

It's camo.

This works every time, bro.

Fuck.

Dammit.

Can you tell it's me under here, bro?

No, no, we can't tell it's you.

I've never been this scared in my whole life.

We never should have came to this house.

Shut up.

Ooh.

That made it so much worse.

Shut up.

Don't worry, mate.

No phone calls here.

Hey Chap, let me tell you,

knives have gotten a lot better since my day.

Ginsu.

Oh, he must have been an exceptionally talented young man.

Camo baby, gotta love it.

Woo.

Annie, no, I can't believe she's dead.

What have I done?

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

It's okay Marianne. Oh, shit!

I'm here for you.

Oh my God, Liz, can't believe you're alive.

Annie, she's dead.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

But we're dead too if we don't get out of here.

What do we do?

Well, the cop is outside.

We know that.

We just have to get out of this house somehow.

We could try the windows.

It won't budge.

Keep trying.

We're wasting time.

The power of Amityville is too strong.

Wait, I have an idea.

If we can just get the officer's attention somehow,

she has a gun.

She can shoot the lock off or something.

We don't even know where she is.

True.

There's more windows in the living room.

If we can just make it there, I'm sure she'll see us.

You can do this.

We can make it.

I just, I really wanna make it into this sequel

and honestly,

I don't remember what happens to me in that script.

Your final girl material, Marianne.

I have a feeling you're coming back for part two.

Okay, Liz, let's both come back for part two.

Hell, yeah.

Oh man, let me see.

What the fuck can I reach from this angle?

I'm thirsty.

Got some old Mexican food in there.

I wonder how long that's been in there?

What in the fuck is that?

That ain't natural.

Hell yeah.

Fucking love apple juice, man.

If I could get this straw in here.

I never was too good at these.

Goddammit.

Hey, thanks man.

Always had a little of a struggle with those things.

Hey, it's good to see somebody.

Hey, mate. Goddammit.

Hey, I gotta do some improv here,

but I don't have anything.

Fuck, fuck.

What the fuck?

Bobby, what the fuck, man?

Can I borrow this?

Oh, hey, Liz.

I'm really sorry for being such a bitch to you by the way.

You've been nothing but nice to me.

You don't have to apologize.

It's fine.

You know that.

I know, but the director said

that I need to clear up any disdain

between us before the end of the movie so.

Disdain?

Sorry, his words not mine.

I figure.

Let's make it out of here alive together.

We will, I know it.

Hey, wasn't your friend Annie

and my boyfriend Nichols

supposed to get together before the end of the movie?

Good point.

What happened with that?

I forgot about it.

Makes sense I guess.

Ladies, ladies, come here.

Come here.

Shoot the glass.

Get us out of here.

I can't shoot the window out.

My bullets won't break glass.

What good is that?

I don't know.

It's those stupid UFOs, all the reports.

They're scared we're gonna shoot their glass ships down

and start a war of the worlds.

UFOs and aliens don't exist.

I mean technically neither

does Amityville or a reincarnated Jack the Ripper

but it's a movie.

Yeah, it is a movie.

And well, anything can happen

except me shooting that fucking window out.

I'm so confused.

Then how do we get out of here?

Meet me at the back and I can shoot the doorknob off.

So you can shoot a doorknob off

but you can't shoot at the glass.

It's what the script says.

You ready to wrap this movie?

I was ready like 78 pages ago.

I was hired for SFX and catering.

I have no clue what the fuck is even going on anymore.

Weird.

Just meet me at the back door

and let's get out of here.

Come on, the faster we wrap this up,

the faster we can call it a day.

Yeah.

He's behind you.

Behind you.

He's behind you.

Fuck.

He's behind you.

Shit.

What the fuck just happened?

Yeah, I definitely didn't read this part of the script.

I think I'm done with Amityville movies forever.

Yeah.

Fuck Amityville and fuck Jack the Ripper.

That last earth cow seemed

lighter than the others.

So maybe it's a skinny one.

No, this is different.

Did you pick up something else?

Of course not.

No way.

I've been doing this job longer than you have.

Why do you always question me?

The numbers do not lie.

I ran a scan in the ship detects an additional life form.

The ship is wrong then 'cause I didn't.

But even if I did, we're fine.

I'm sure.

Oh, shit.

♪ In London, when you'd walk the street ♪

♪ A melancholy man you'd meet ♪

♪ Approaching you on silent feet ♪

♪ Just head to toe in black ♪

♪ He cuts your throat from ear to ear ♪

♪ And in the dark he disappear without a trace in any place ♪

♪ And all he left behind was fear ♪

♪ And no one knows just who he was ♪

♪ They never caught his track ♪

♪ They never knew where he would be or where he would attack ♪

♪ Oh whisper in the dead of night ♪

♪ A shadow dressed in black ♪

♪ And no one knows just who he was ♪

♪ But you can call him Jack ♪

♪ He'd have his homicidal fits ♪

♪ By chopping women into bits ♪

♪ He'd even cut off both their arms and legs ♪

♪ And ears and kidneys ♪

♪ And he'd throw them in a sack ♪

♪ And when the hue and cry would cease ♪

♪ He'd send the piece to the police ♪

♪ Which made it hard for Scotland Yard ♪

♪ Who never got a moment's peace ♪

♪ And no one knows just who he was ♪

♪ They never caught his track ♪

♪ They never knew where he would be ♪

♪ Or when he would attack ♪

♪ A whisper in my dead of night ♪

♪ A shadow dressed in black ♪

♪ And no one knows just who he was ♪

♪ But you can call him Jack ♪

♪ And though they searched and sought ♪

♪ The ripper he was never caught ♪

♪ So let me leave you with a thought ♪

♪ Someday he will be back ♪

♪ Be careful he may find you when fog and darkness blind you ♪

♪ It even might be movie night when he creeps up behind you ♪

♪ And no one knows just who he was ♪

♪ They never caught his track ♪

♪ He's been a little quiet, but he's picking up the slack ♪

♪ I've got a souvenir of him ♪

♪ Can't wait to show you what it is ♪

♪ It's very sharp ♪

♪ It's very long ♪

♪ It makes me feel alive and strong ♪

♪ And no one knows who wrote this song ♪

♪ But you can call me Jack ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ But you can call me Jack ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ But you can call me jack ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ But you can call me Jack ♪