Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(playful orchestral music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(dramatic piano music)

(audience sobbing)

(tense piano music)

(audience sobbing)

- You leave her alone, or I'll punch you right in the nose!

- Sit down!

Sit down!

(suspenseful piano music)

(woman shrieks)

(Willie sobs)

(slide whistle blows)

- Any time you make a date with me, keep it!

By the way, did you put your aunt's $5,000 in the bank?

- The money.

The money.

- Tickets please.

- Tickets.

- How many?

- One.

You're cute.

- You're silly.

- So's your old man.

(giggles)

(dramatic piano music) (audience sobbing)

(shrieks)

(mumbles)

(slide whistle blows)

- Willie, do you realize that a person

that puts money in this moving picture

business is gonna make a fortune?

- Give me that money.

- Now--

- I gotta put that in the bank

like my aunt told me to do.

- Willie, listen to this.

See it right here?

"Do you want to become rich?

If so, invest in this new entertainment medium.

"Motion pictures.

"$5,000 cash buys a fully equipped studio."

Willie, opportunity is knocking at your door!

- Tell them I'm not home.

I went to the bank.

- Wait a minute Willie, have you no foresight?

I can see it up in lights now.

Piper's Phenomenal Pictures.

Willie Piper, President.

Harry Pierce, General Manager.

That's what'll happen if you give me the $5,000.

- And if I give you the $5,000

I'll be Willie Piper the pauper.

- Now look, we're only borrowing the money.

We'll pay your aunt back in no time.

There's a fortune made in these comedy pictures.

- Comedies?

- Yeah.

- Oh Harry, I don't like comedies.

I like those dramatic pictures.

Where the little girl says to her papa

papa, please papa, don't beat me.

(somber violin music)

I beg of you papa!

Don't beat me papa!

I'll get the money for you papa!

Don't beat me papa!

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

Beating up your son like that.

(dramatic sting)

(drum roll)

(cymbals crash)

If I ever catch you beating that boy again,

I'll report you to the juvenile authorities.

(playful orchestral music)

- Hey.

Did you get hurt?

- What's the idea of having me beat up?

- I didn't mean to have you beat up.

Here, you can take the money.

- I'll take the money after I have you beat up.

Oh don't, don't strike your poor old father.

Don't strike your poor old dad.

I'm your father, son.

Don't hit me.

- Harry, here, listen.

You can take the money, but don't have me beat up.

(somber violin music)

Look, don't have me beat up!

Please don't have me beat up!

Don't beat me up!

- What did I just tell you?

(drum roll)

(cymbals clash)

(playful orchestral music)

- You did it again.

- I'm sorry, Harry.

Here, you can take my aunt's money and buy the studio.

- Thanks.

- Could I have a receipt?

- With pleasure.

(bell rings)

- Now if you'll sign right here Mr. Piper,

this will complete the transaction.

You will become the proud owner

of the best studio in the country.

- Now Mr. Gorman, if this is such

a good studio, why do you want to sell it?

- Mr. Piper, that question shows

what a shrewd businessman you are.

The fact of the matter is I happen to own two studios.

This one in West Orange, New Jersey, and one in Brooklyn.

The long trip is just too much for me.

So I'm selling you the studio in West Orange.

- Harry, don't you think we ought to see the studio first?

- Now Mr. Gorman is a very busy man.

- Eh eh eh eh, Mr Piper is

perfectly right, he should see it.

And busy though I am, I'm gonna show it to him.

Here's a picture of it.

- [Willie] Say, what's this sign "Edison"?

- That's my middle name.

Joseph Edison Gorman.

Now will you please sign here?

(door closes)

Mr. Piper, Mr. Pierce, I want you

to meet one of my leading ladies.

Miss Van Cleef.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- How do you do?

- Darling, I don't want you to get too upset.

I've just sold the West Orange studio to Mr. Piper.

- Oh thank heavens, I hated that trip.

The ferry made me seasick.

- Well best of luck, gentlemen.

And if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know.

- Lots of success to you.

I withdrew all the money from the bank.

Let's make our getaway before those

suckers scream to the Bunko Squad.

- They won't bother us, I've got a new deal figured out.

- Always a new deal, a new bunch

of suckers, and then on the run away.

I can't take it any Longer, Joe.

- No more running.

We're going legitimate.

- The cops will be glad to hear that

after they put you away for a long stretch.

- The cops will be looking for

Joe Gorman who no longer exists.

Instead he will be.

(Russian accent) The famous European

director Sergei Toumanoff.

- How are you gonna do this?

With mirrors?

- Nah.

Nose job, a mustache, a Marcel toupee,

that'll do the business.

- Well what about the directing?

The only directing you've ever done

was to steer some sucker to his bank.

- Look Leota, in Hollywood it isn't

what you are, it's what they think you are.

We'll arrive there with such a fanfare

of publicity that every Hollywood

bigwig will roll out the red carpet.

- The way you say it, it sounds wonderful, Joe.

(playful orchestral music)

(pained groan)

- Not my finger!

Hit the head!

(bell rings)

- Two more suckers.

- Hey, just a minute, mister.

- I know.

You bought the studio from a man named Gorman.

- You're right.

- How did you know?

- Follow me, sir.

Look at these.

- "Cushman Studio."

"Grant Productions."

"Struthers Kinema Company."

"Brent Studios."

I don't get it.

Willie bought this studio.

I have the bill of sale right here in my pocket.

- They all had a bill of sale.

This plant belongs to Mr. Thomas A. Edison.

This is the first motion picture studio ever built.

It dates back to 1893.

It isn't used anymore.

- No, but Gorman used it to swindle Willie.

- Now just a minute.

How am I gonna get my $5,000 back to give to my aunt?

- You better report it to the Bunko Squad.

Good day and I wish you luck.

- Thank you sir.

What am I gonna tell my aunt?

- Tell her anything.

It's my own fault for letting you talk me into this thing.

Come on, we'll try and get your money.

What are you gonna do with that sign?

- Put it here with the other ones.

(harpsichord melody into drum crash)

(playful orchestral music)

Hey, when we get to California

how do you know Gorman's gonna be there?

- We'll wait for him.

You heard what the detective said.

They traced them all the way to the train

that was heading for the coast.

And then they lost track of them.

- I wish I'd lost him before he found me.

(train approaching)

(train whistle blows)

- Why didn't you tell me the train was coming?

- Where do you think that whistle was coming from?

A peanut stand?

Woo woo woo woo!

(chuckles) I was trying to scare you a little bit.

- Yeah.

Come on, if we're gonna get Gorman, let's get going.

- Harry, my foot is stuck.

Will you help me?

- What's the matter?

- Foot's stuck.

- Let me see.

(train whistle blows)

Don't get excited.

I'll throw the switch.

- Hurry up will ya?

Throw the switch.

Oof!

(bell dings)

You made it tighter Harry!

Get up Harry, don't play like that now!

Pull the switch will you, Harry!

Harry!

(stammering)

(train whistle blows)

- Willie.

Willie!

Willie!

Willie.

Willie, tell me where it hurts.

Where does it hurt, Willie?

I'll get you to California if I have

to carry you all the way myself.

(playful orchestral music)

(upbeat banjo music)

- Going my way, b-b-b-b-fellas?

- We sure are.

- Why you dirty double-crosser.

(bell dings)

No you don't, no you don't.

No thanks pop, we're in a hurry.

We're going to California.

- So am I.

Sure would enjoy company on the t-t-t-t-trip.

- Yeah, but we're in a hurry.

Thanks a lot.

- Well good b-b-b, good b-b-b, so long!

- Aw come on.

Let's go with the poor old man to California.

- We can get there faster by walking.

- Walking?

- Certainly.

No you don't, no you don't!

Pick up those bags.

Pick them up.

(slowed down orchestral music)

- I didn't know we were scheduled to stop here.

Next stop's supposed to be Los Angeles.

(knocking)

Come.

- Mr. Toumanoff?

- (Russian accent) Yes?

- We're Los Angeles police, come with us.

- Well I do not understand.

- You will.

Come on, you're holding up the train.

- You must give me time to change.

You will wait outside please.

(door closes)

- We didn't get very far did we "Sergei"?

(train whistle blows)

- [Train Whistle Voice] 23 skidoo!

- (Russian accent) Would you mind telling me

why I am under arrest?

- My dear Mr. Toumanoff, you are not under arrest.

I am Rudolph Snavely, President of Amalgamated Pictures.

I took this means of outwitting my competitors

in order to sign you to your first Hollywood contract.

- But the police.

- They are your escorts to the City of the Cinema.

- I'm going to like it here.

Come, my dear.

(train chugging)

- Hey Willie, now it's your turn to ride.

Not me, the train.

Come on.

Close that other door.

We don't want no railroad detective to catch us in here.

- Harry, we're in Los Angeles already.

- Boy, we sure made good time.

(falling piano melody)

California here we are.

(dramatic sting)

(womp womp melody)

Pick up those bags.

We gotta get back on the train.

Pick them up.

Come on.

Be careful, boy.

Throw me the bags.

- Yow!

- Willie!

- [Willie] Harry!

- All right, I'm coming.

Hold on.

- Hey you hobos, where do you think you're going?

Get off before I throw you off!

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Come on, Willie.

Take it easy, boy.

What are you doing?

- Come on, we can hide in here.

(cattle mooing)

- Jump!

What are you doing?

Stay down there!

- Hey you!

Don't try to get away!

- Here I come.

Hey Willie, where are you?

- Between the porterhouse and the short ribs.

- All right you fellas!

I know you're in here!

Come on, speak up!

- Mooo!

- Where do you fellas think you're going?

- California.

- Well I hate you disappoint you.

Come on, come on.

- Now wait a minute, you're not going throw us off are you?

- Of course not!

(impish sax melody)

- Oh pardon us, gentlemen,

for dropping in on your lunchtime.

- Boy that smells good.

- That's more than we can say for you.

Boy do they need deodorizing.

- Hey, they forgot the bread.

- Wait a minute.

Think of me once in a while.

I'm hungry too.

(playful orchestral music)

(yelps)

(wheezing)

(sputters) Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry,

Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry.

(sputtering)

Harry, Harry.

Come here.

- What's the matter?

- Sit down and relax.

- What's the matter?

Something happen?

- I wanna trade bread with you, here.

- Now how come you give me the biggest piece?

- [Willie] My mother told me to always

give my friends the biggest piece.

- That's not like you.

- Oh yes.

- No.

Good though.

- Taste any meat?

- I don't expect to taste meat in a loaf of bread.

- Try the other end.

- Well both ends are alike.

- Try that one over there.

(dramatic sting) (screams)

(whimpering)

- [Harry] What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna look for that squirrel.

(feral growling) (screaming)

- What happened?

- Oh.

Hey.

Could I use your gun?

- No.

- I win it.

Excuse me.

(gunshot)

(snoring)

(sly orchestral music)

(snoring)

(playful orchestral music)

- Hey, get a load of these dice.

One has all sixes and the other one has all fives.

- Those tramps, I think they're crooked.

I don't think they were branged up right.

(wagon approaches)

- Whoa.

Well what happened to you fellas?

- Well some tramps, they stole our money

and they took away our clothes from us.

- Well hop in.

I'll get you to Californ-I-A.

- No thanks, we're still in a hurry.

But you could loan us some money.

- Well I can only spare 20 d-d-d,

20 d-b-b-b-b-b-bucks.

- I'll see that you get it back.

- You keep quiet.

I'll give you an IOU for it.

- Alrighty.

Just make the IOU out right on that piece of paper.

- Swell.

"I owe you $30."

- But I only gave you 20 d-d-d,

20 d-d-b-b-b-bucks.

- Well $10 is for interest.

Here you are, sign it.

- It sure is nice to do business with fellas like you.

So goodb-b-b, good-b-b-b...

- Goodbye?

- So long.

(upbeat banjo music)

- Don't try to figure it out.

Hey.

I wonder how far $20 will take us on that train.

(steam hissing)

- Hold it!

No tramps allowed on here.

Beat it!

- Wait a minute, we're not tramps.

We've got money, we want to pay out way.

How far will $20 take us?

- This is no passenger train.

I can't collect fares, so it's no dice.

- Say, there's nothing in your regulations

that says we can't gamble to see

whether we ride or not is there?

- You know how to shoot dice?

- No.

- You know how to shoot dice?

- Not with his dice, they only got

two numbers on them, sixes and fives.

- We'll play with my dice.

And when you lose the 20, I'm throwing you off the train.

And you do the shooting.

(train whistle blows)

Come on.

- Now wise guy, this 20 bucks will get us no place.

(impish orchestral melody)

(train whistle blows)

(playful orchestral music)

- Wait a minute.

Let me see those dice.

Ugh.

- How am I gonna explain this to my wife?

- Same way I'm gonna explain it to mine.

- The old man made it as fast as we did.

(train whistle blows)

- Let's give him the $20 we took from him.

- Come on.

(slowed down orchestral music)

- Aw, we can't catch up to him.

I'll mail him the money.

Wait a minute, where are you going?

- I'm gonna give the old man the money.

- Come back here!

Wait a minute, old man!

We've got your money!

(playful orchestral music)

- Boy the old man sure will be surprised to see us.

- Will he be surprised to get his money back.

- Yeah.

Hey mister!

(upbeat banjo music)

- What happened to the old man?

- Those dirty crooks, they must've stole the wagon.

(Indians ululating)

- Indians! - Indians!

(epic orchestral music)

(gunshots)

- (Russian accent) More action!

More action!

(gunshots)

More action!

More action!

(gunshots)

- How can a thing like this happen?

- Maybe Custer hasn't finished his last stand.

Hey, if they catch us will they scalp us?

- I don't know.

(gunshots)

- More action!

(calvary trumpet melody)

- Saved in the nick of time.

- No driver.

Get in the driver's seat.

(Willie laughs)

Grab the reins.

Get in there, hurry up!

(playful orchestral music)

- Get out of there!

Get out of there!

(upbeat fiddle music)

Cut!

(Calvary trumpet melody)

Cut!

(Indians ululating)

Cut!

- We lost them.

- That was a narrow escape.

- Well you can stop the horses now.

- The greatest Indian fight ever

to be filmed ruined by a couple of idiots!

Who are they?

What are they doing here?

Somebody answer me!

Shut up until I finish!

(tires screech)

(upbeat orchestral music)

- What's the matter, Sergei?

- My beautiful picture is ruined!

Killed just as it was being born.

By those, those...

They are the ones!

They!

- The driver's wonderful.

Look at him drive.

Get that camera on that action.

- Mr. Snavely, I am the director.

I will tell the cameraman what to do.

Cut!

- Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.

- I am the producer.

Keep that camera turning.

- [Cameraman] Yes, Mr. Snavely.

- But it will ruin my beautiful picture.

My epic.

(upbeat orchestral music)

- Keep that camera on that action.

They'll never make it.

It's suicide.

(high-pitched whistle) (tense orchestral melody)

- Cut!

- That is the greatest stunt I have ever seen.

- I-I-I knew you would like it, Snavely,

but I wanted to surprise you

when you saw it in the projection room.

- Toumanoff, that stunt has never been in motion pictures.

We'll build a whole story around it.

You are a genius.

Come on, I wanna talk that little stuntman.

- Hey, you know a guy could

get killed in one of these things.

- No kidding.

More Indians!

We surrender.

Will you tell your brothers not to fight with us anymore?

- My brothers?

- Yeah.

Tell them not to shoot anymore arrows.

Erm, hey.

Didn't I sorta meet you someplace before?

- I've never been there.

- Weren't you with--

- No, I was alone.

- Are you sure that you--

- I haven't been there either.

(car pulls up)

- Hello my dear.

- How!

How?

- (drops accent) I don't know.

- Well done, my boy.

Congratulations Mr...

- This is Mr. Piper.

Willie Piper, I'm Harry Pierce.

- Hey we better get outta here.

The Indians have got us surrounded.

- Oh now Mr. Piper, you can't tell me

you're afraid of motion picture Indians.

- Motion picture Indians?

- Oh no, he's not afraid.

- Well I would say that he fears nothing.

That stunt you just did was the most

hair-raising thing I have ever seen.

You are a daredevil.

Amalgamated Pictures could use a man like you.

- You mean working in a studio?

- Working in a studio?

We could get a line on that Gorman, the dirty swindler.

- [Willie] And then we could get the cops to get after him.

- Right.

- Hey, in the studio what would I be?

The janitor?

(laughs)

- (Russian accent) Mr. Piper.

You have an excellent sense of humor.

Mr. Snavely wishes to engage you as a stuntman.

- Stuntman?

- Yes.

And if he will allow me to direct you, I,

Sergei Toumanoff, will take very good care of you.

- Er--

- It's a deal.

From now on you will double for all of our stars.

- Just how long will this job last?

- Until something happens to you.

- Come on, Mr. Piper.

You, Mr. Pierce, I'll ride you back

to my office and we'll sign the contract.

- No.

- Mr. Piper, you may rest assure

that I will do everything in my power

to locate this scoundrel Gorman for you

and get your aunt's money back.

- Thanks a lot, Mr. Snavely.

- Thanks a million, Mr. Snavely.

Come on.

(yelling)

(screams)

(laughs) Pardon us, Mr. Snavely.

- Well you gentlemen are coming up in the world.

Is Mr. Snavely going to star you?

- Oh no, he's gonna help us.

- He's gonna help us find that crook named Gorman.

- Well I must tell Mr. Toumanoff about this.

I'm sure he'll be happy to do something

about your finding Mr. Gorman.

- Say, didn't I--

- No.

- I still think I know that girl from someplace.

- Look, what else can you offer me

for this job besides the money?

- I will make you my right-hand man.

Piper will double for you in the airplane scenes.

- He's going to double for me?

What are you trying to do?

Kill him or my career?

- After I make him jump from the plane today,

neither of us will worry about our careers.

(Egyptian-themed orchestral music)

- Coochie coochie coochie!

(womp womp melody)

- Well of all the nerve.

- I thought you were a girl.

- I was supposed to be a stuntman.

Now I'm a girl.

- Listen, what is the difference?

- That's too big a stunt for me.

- We both want to find Gorman don't we?

Now you're doubling for that actress today.

Keep your eyes open.

- You know, there's something about

that girl that I seem to remember.

- What do you mean?

- It's a woman's intuition.

- All you women are alike.

(playful orchestral music)

(laughs)

- Piper!

Where is Piper?

You've got on the wrong clothes.

- You can say that again.

- Go change into your flying outfit.

Mr. Toumanoff is waiting.

Hurry up!

- Tut-tut, my good man.

That's no way to talk to a lady.

(playful orchestral music)

- Excuse me.

Are you a director?

- Yes.

- Could you tell me your name?

- Mack Sennett.

- It's Mack Sennett.

- That's not Mack Sennett.

- Are you sure you're Mack Sennett?

- Sweetheart.

("Wah wah wah" melody)

- That's Mack Sennett.

(sorrow violin music)

- (Russian accent) Stop the music!

- What's the matter boss?

- I just had a fight with my conscience.

- And?

- I won.

When we arrive at the rendezvous, Mr. Jason,

you will attack the heroine's plane.

As you dive in on her, you will fire one burst

of ammunition in an endeavor to shoot her down.

You will keep firing until she bails out.

That is the end of the scene.

Is that clear?

- Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.

- (drops accent) Is everything fixed, Hinds?

- Don't worry, Chief.

I've weakened every strut in Piper's ship.

And if that don't do the trick,

I put live ammunition in Jason's guns.

- Hinds, if I was not the genius, I would say you were.

- Stop.

- (Russian accent) Are you ready Piper?

- Yes sir.

The only thing I wanna tell you,

Mr. Toumanoff, every time I take

one foot off the ground I get dizzy.

- Mr. Piper, I personally have taken

every precaution for your safety.

Now then, today you are doubling our heroine

who is flying to Washington for a

peace treaty with the Indians.

- But Mr. Toumanoff, there were no airplanes

when we were fighting the Indians.

- Can I help it if I am ahead of my time?

Do not interrupt!

- I'm sorry.

- [Gorman] Now you are flying toward the setting sun.

- But Mr. Toumanoff, if Washington is in

the east and the sun sets in the west--

- In my pictures the sun sets where I want it to set.

- Excuse me.

- You continue like a bird, flying towards the setting sun.

Suddenly, you hear the roar of a motor.

You turn.

You see the renegade in his plane,

diving at you with blazing guns.

You're about to be shot down.

You are trapped.

Helpless.

What are you going to do?

- Tell him.

- (Russian accent) I'm going to quit.

- Wait a minute.

- Nonsense.

You parachute to safety.

Hinds, put the parachute on Mr. Piper.

- No you don't.

I'm taking no chances.

I'll put it on him.

- Climb into the plane, Mr. Piper.

The pilot will be right here.

(drops accent) What about the pilot?

- He'll never get into the plane.

- And Piper?

- Oh I've taken care of the control stick.

The plane will go up, but Humpty Dumpty will fall.

- Good.

- I'll take care of the blocks.

- (Russian accent) Music!

(sorrow violin and piano music)

Ready?

- All ready, Mr. Toumanoff.

- Fast music!

(music tempo increases)

Camera.

Action!

- What happened?

They don't know how to fly a plane.

- They don't?

Mr. Toumanoff ain't gonna like this.

- Hey, I didn't know you could drive a plane.

- I can't, but you're doing a good job.

- (yelps) Who's driving?

- Mr. Snavely, my plane took off without me.

- Oh good!

(stammers) Good gracious, Piper will be killed.

- Killed?

Oh I hope Toumanoff gets it on film.

I didn't mean that of course, I...

Well how can we stop them?

(car revs)

(playful violin music)

- Piper!

Piper, get out of the way!

- You get out of the way!

(high-pitched screams)

(slide whistle blows)

- Hey Willie, listen.

Willie!

What are you doing out there?

- Give me your hand!

- Bring it here!

Willie!

(slide whistle blows)

(laughing)

- No!

No!

(laughing)

What are you laughing at?

- This is very funny, Mr. Toumanoff.

- This is not supposed to be funny!

Now Mr. J--

Now Mr. Jason!

Now!

Dive!

(playful violin melody)

(gunfire)

- Hey!

They're shooting real bullets!

- Some fool put live ammunition in here.

Pull up!

- Give me that parachute.

- No no!

No no!

No!

Mr. Toumanoff said I should wear the parachute!

- Don't be so selfish.

I'll use the parachute first.

When I hit the ground, then you can have it.

- You'll be there before I will!

- All right, then I'll wait for you.

- Watch out for the first step, it's a high one!

- Never mind the first step.

- This is sensational!

- That is an understatement, Mr. Toumanoff.

- Don't miss a second of it.

I am a genius!

(music tempo decreases)

(harpsichord melody)

- [Harry] Let go of my pants will you?

- [Willie] What will I hold on to?

- [Harry] Well you don't have to hold onto my pants!

Let go of my pants!

- [Willie] Toumanoff!

- Hold on, Piper!

Hold on!

- What's the matter?

Did you change your mind?

- No, but I want more footage.

Follow them, follow them.

Don't lose them!

- [Harry] Cut it out!

- [Willie] Toumanoff!

- [Harry] Now look what you did.

- [Willie] Toumanoff!

- [Harry] Let go!

- Keep grinding!

Keep grinding!

(Willie sobs)

- [Harry] Let go of my shoe!

Let go of my shoe!

(dramatic orchestral melody)

- Cut!

- Sensational, Mr. Toumanoff.

You are a genius.

How do you rescue him?

- Yeah, how do you rescue him?

- I...

He comes up in a submarine.

(laughs)

Huh?

I'll kill him!

I'll kill him if it kills me to kill him!

- Ship ahoy!

Toumanoff!

- Are your rushes ready?

- (Russian accent) The cutter is just having

the operator put it on the machine.

- Fine.

- (drops accent) What do you suppose is bothering him?

You don't think he smells a rat.

- Now Joe, don't belittle yourself.

- Don't get smart.

Anything happens to me, I bring you into it.

(Russian accent) All right Harvey, run them!

- Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.

(laughing)

- What goes is that stuff?

Anyone can tell it's the double.

It doesn't look anything at all like Leota.

Why didn't you shoot the back of Piper's head?

- I tried to.

He turned his head.

- How did Pierce get into the plane?

- Must've been a stowaway.

Don't worry, I take care of that in the cutting.

I use only the longer shots.

(laughing)

- Turn on the lights!

Harvey, was that you laughing?

- I'm sorry, sir.

I couldn't help myself.

It's very funny.

- It is not supposed to be funny.

- You know, I think it is.

- Who is in here?

- Just yourself, Leota, Mr. Snavely,

there's Harry, and Harry.

- Get out!

(laughing)

- Sergei, if I were you I wouldn't speak that way

to Amalgamated's newest comedy team.

- Piper and Pierce a comedy team?

- That's right, and you will be their director.

- I will have nothing to do with comedy.

I am a dramatic director.

- Let's talk this over, Mr. Gorman.

- There is absolute...

Gorman?

- A short while ago, Piper came to me

with a story of how he was swindled

by a conman named Gorman.

- What has this to do with me?

I am Sergei Toumanoff.

- There's no use denying it.

Without the mustache, without the toupee,

without the accent, you are Gorman.

I had the New York police check your fingerprints

and I have all of the evidence in my safe.

- This is preposterous!

- Oh drop the act, Joe.

Where do we go from here?

- I have arranged that those people you swindled

shall be repaid out of your salary.

I have also arranged that by your doing this,

no one will press any charges.

Because I believe that you are a great comedy director.

- (drops accent) And I can keep the identity of Toumanoff?

- And you can keep your accent.

And I will keep your money.

Of course, if you do not wish to direct comedy--

- (Russian accent) I love it, I love it!

- Then get writers and start preparing a script.

But be sure that neither of these boys does any stunts.

- Mr. Snavely, I promise you,

even their doubles will have doubles.

- All right, but remember, I'm holding you

responsible for their safety.

- Yes, Mr. Snavely.

Come, my dear.

- Harvey, run that film again please.

- Everything's all set.

A torpedo friend of mine is gonna

run over them with a car.

- No.

No!

That will ruin me!

They are my bread and butter.

If you kill them, you kill me.

- But you wanted them killed.

So when they walk out of the studio

a car's gonna hit them.

- Now I have to save them to save myself.

- Imbecile!

- How you could be so stupid as to

drop your dollar down there?

- It could have been worse.

- How could it be worse?

- You could've dropped your dollar down there.

- Ah!

(car approaching)

- He did it!

He did it!

Oh please don't die!

Please!

Stop a car.

Somebody call an ambulance!

- I'll call an ambulance.

He fainted.

- Better give him some air.

- Okay.

- Fan him, fan him.

What's the matter?

- Hey.

He's got a bald head just like Gorman.

- We better investigate.

- Come on.

(sly orchestra music)

Well the coast is clear.

- Hey, it was nice of the fellas in the

wardrobe department to loan us these outfits.

- Sure.

Now you know what to do.

- Yes sir.

You're gonna break inside that house

and you're gonna get evidence

to prove that Toumanoff is Gorman.

- Right.

And if Toumanoff captures me, he'll never

recognize me with this mask on.

- And if Toumanoff should happen

to call for a policeman, that's me.

I rush in and I arrest you.

And I--

(screams)

- Shhh, it's me, it's me.

- Hello Harry.

- Shhh, quiet.

(sly orchestral music)

(dramatic sting)

- (Russian accent) How dare you steal from Toumanoff.

Operator?

Operator.

Get me the police.

(doorbell rings)

- Did you phone for a policeman sir?

- Arrest that burglar.

I prefer charges in the morning.

- Yes sir.

Harry, you're clumsy.

Come on, you crook!

Let's get outta here!

- Don't forget to spell my name right.

Toumanoff.

Director Toumanoff.

- Yes sir.

Hey, did you find anything?

- (raspy voice) I'm no stool pigeon.

- Hey Harry, your voice sounds funny with that mask on.

Hold this, I'm gonna take the mask off and see.

(loud yelp)

(sly orchestral music)

(dramatic sting)

- So you escaped and came back eh?

- Go ahead, call the police.

(doorbell rings)

- We traced your call, Mr. Toumanoff.

Anything wrong?

- Yes.

Why you let this man escape?

- I never saw him before.

- You never...

I saw you take him out of here with your own hands!

- Come on officer, take me to jail.

- I'll take you to jail, me fine bucko.

Come on.

- Don't forget to spell my name right!

Toumanoff!

Director Toumanoff!

- Nice work Willie, but you don't have to be so rough.

Now let me go.

Willie, let me go.

(playful orchestral music)

(birds tweeting)

(lighthearted orchestral music)

(doorbell rings)

- Did that crook come back in here?

- I told you before that he came back!

You just took him out of here!

- I did?

When was that?

- When you took him away the last time!

Now go search the grounds and you find him!

Before I report you!

(playful orchestral music)

(doorbell rings)

- Did that burglar come back here?

- I just told you he did!

- You did?

When?

- Every time you ask me!

Now go find him before he does come back!

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Excuse me.

Did that crook come back in here again?

- How would I know if he comes back

when I was just now over there talking with you?

- I wasn't standing over there talking to you just now.

- Go away.

Go away!

Let him come and rob my house.

Just let me have a little peace.

- Huh?

- Have a little peace!

- Oh thank you.

I love turkey.

I'll go out and see if I can get that crook right now.

(doorbell rings)

- Come in!

- Any sign of him?

- Didn't I tell you just now before

you went out that window?

- I never went out that window.

- Didn't you just take a piece of my turkey?

- I hate turkey.

I think I could use a little drink too.

I'm all mixed up.

- Go away.

Go away!

And don't come back!

(door bell rings)

Come in!

(playful xylophone melody)

- Hey, this turkey was delicious.

- Didn't you just tell me you hated turkey?

- Who me?

When?

- When you took the drink.

- Drink?

I don't drink.

- Get out.

Get out!

Get!

Out!

Police!

- Did you call the police?

- No, I just yelled to hear the sound of my voice.

Arrest this man.

- You're under arrest.

- Wait a minute.

Is your name Willie?

- No, it's Mike.

- Wait a minute.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- I've got you, bub.

- Did you call for the police?

- Didn't you just go out that door?

- No.

- Well you're going out this one!

Get out!

(powerful orchestral melody)

(playful cabaret music)

- Oh relax and enjoy yourself.

Nothing was stolen.

Here's to the straight and narrow path.

- And.

To Hollywood's newest and greatest comedy director.

- Now that you don't want me to do

anymore of your dirty work, how about

paying me for what I have done?

- It will have to wait.

Snavely is holding up my salary to square

a little account of mine in the east.

- What about your past due account

you have here in the west?

Or would you like me to tell him about our deal?

- Oh be patient, Hinds.

He'll get your money and he can do it

just as easily by going straight.

- Sure, let him go straight.

Straight to 75,000 bucks in Snavely's safe.

- Shhh.

- But that...

That is the money for the first Piper and Pierce comedy.

- That's right, but it would also pay me off.

And still leave plenty for a smart director

to make pictures in Europe.

Let's drink to it.

- Oh for heaven's sakes.

Stop playing jimmy Valentine and open the safe.

Snavely will be here any minute.

- Hey.

I wonder who else has to okay these before we make the test.

You're robbing Mr. Snavely.

- Yeah.

Now we know that you're Gorman.

- Well boys, I guess you caught me red-handed.

You better phone the police.

(dramatic sting)

- Hey!

You can't get away with that!

(dramatic sting)

- Come on.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Help!

Help!

- Don't worry, Mr. Snavely.

We'll catch those crooks.

Boy are we lucky.

We'll ask those cops to help us catch those crooks.

Hey fellas, we gotta catch those crooks.

They're getting away.

- Are you with us?

- Sure, but hurry up, we'll lose them.

(playful orchestral music)

(car revs)

- Hey Piper!

Piper, those are not real policemen!

- Hey, bring that patrol wagon back!

We're not ready yet!

- They've got a wagonload of cops after us.

- Don't worry, we'll lose them.

Hinds will be waiting at the airfield

with the plane ready to take off.

(tires screech)

(playful orchestral music)

(bell rings)

(train whistle blows)

("I've been working on the railroad" melody)

- What are we gonna do now?

- What are we going to do?

- Can you drive?

- Just like driving a bicycle.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- How do you stop it?

- I don't know.

Stop it Harry!

Stop it!

(horse neighs)

- Ugh!

(sputters)

- They're still following us.

- Well let them follow us now.

- Give me that.

- Over, over.

- [Willie] Get outta the way!

- Lay off.

- Wait for me!

(bowling pin strikes)

Wheeee!

- Come on!

Come on!

- Come back, come back!

- They're still following us.

(bell rings)

(exhaust pops)

("Old McDonald" melody)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(birds quacking)

(train whistle blows)

(bird quacks)

(exhaust pops)

(railroad crossing bell rings)

(train horn blows)

- Look!

Come out and push.

Come on, come on.

(grunting)

(train whistle blows)

(exhaust pops)

- Where's Hinds?

- We can't wait for him now.

Hop in.

Contact?

- Contact.

(exhaust pops)

- We got you, Gorman.

- Arrest them, fellas.

(plane engine revs)

- You fools, those are the Keystone Cops.

They can't arrest me.

- No, but we can, Gorman!

Hold it!

Lady, get out of the plane.

- Very well, my dear.

We must not keep the gendarmes waiting.

So the villain is apprehended.

And justice triumphs.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Mr. Snavely, we saved your money for you.

(plane engine roars)

(playful orchestral music)

(upbeat orchestral music)