Original subtitles

- Right here? - Yep.

Okay.

I've never done this before.

What do I do?

Just be yourself.

Try and forget that there's a camera here.

Okay.

Tell me about yourself.

Where are you from?

Texas.

Texas, really?

What brings you to Wyoming?

My boyfriend and I wanted to, uh...

well, ex-boyfriend...

we wanted to see all 50 states,

like, to say that we had seen all of the states, before, um...

Um...

Shit.

I'm so sorry.

Hey...

you don't need to apologize.

It's so embarrassing.

No, it's not.

Hey, look at me.

You're beautiful, okay?

It's fine.

Just... keep talking, okay?

So, yeah, we...

we wanted to have this big adventure...

before the baby came.

So... that was the plan.

Um...

then he just left.

And, uh, I... I...

And I don't know if it was me, or if he just...

he just didn't wanna be a dad.

Have you told your family?

No.

No, my mom...

she never liked him, and I...

I don't wanna hear "I told you so."

I... I'm terrified.

Like, I knew he was risky.

But, like... fuck it.

Everyone's risky.

I don't know.

I'm so sorry.

I'm just... blah, you know?

I just... I haven't really had a chance

to talk to anyone about it yet, and I, um...

I really needed that.

Thank you.

What the fuck?

It's just not quite right.

Yeah, I don't... I don't feel sorry for her.

I just... she's not sympathetic.

'Cause she seems angry.

That's it, she seems angry.

Mm-hmm. What about her look?

It's okay.

She kinda looks like that one girl in that thing.

From the, uh...

The movie about the junkies in Central Park.

Yes! I hated it. Did you like it?

- No. - Bad. It's bad.

It's horrible.

Did you want me to try it again, or...?

No, that was great.

It says here that you did your BFA in Acting at Columbia.

Yeah.

Yeah, I have a friend who went through that program.

It's a great program, yeah.

What year did you graduate?

Hmm?

You might know each other.

I might. What's his name?

Hmm. Kevin Wetmore.

Mm... he might have been before me.

Mm-hmm.

How do you know he wasn't after you?

Hmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm.

And... you're okay with nudity, right?

Uh, no. Um, it's just not for me.

Oh. No, I...

I'm sure they're fine.

All right, well...

Mm-hmm.

- We'll be in touch. - Mm-hmm.

Okay. Um... well, great.

Yes.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you.

Um, just...

Have a great rest of your day.

Always nice to see you.

Like... as well.

Yeah, you too.

Yes.

Okay... Cheryl!

Yeah?

No. Uh...

Oh! Janet?

- Janet! - Janet.

And I really appreciate

that you keep inviting me to audition.

I would just love it so much

if you could look up from the table

when I'm reading the scene.

That would just... just really make my day.

Okay.

It's sort of a big deal.

Network execs don't always give actors direct notes,

but that's, like, the best part.

This one pulls me over, what does he say?

He says, "Your face. Something about your face

has a lot of character." Which is great.

Which means if I test well,

they'll make me a recurring cast member.

You know, not every single episode,

but, you know, it... it's...

Hey!

- How's it going? - Hi!

How... how'd it... how'd it go?

Um... yeah, not... I don't...

Not that great, I don't think.

What? You're kidding!

Yeah.

I know. I know.

I made you run all those lines with me again for nothing.

Okay, but no, acting is never a waste of time.

I was acting. You were acting. Actors act.

Well, that's very sweet, Terry.

No, I... I'm being real.

All right, I... I'm not being sweet,

I'm being sincere.

That choice you made, when you started whispering

when you were talking about your mom?

It gave me goosebumps.

It sounds like your thing went well, huh?

Well, I don't wanna talk... Yes! I mean, it went very well.

Well, I... I wanna hear all about it.

You're just so good,

I don't know how you're not booking anything.

Hello?

Hi, Cheryl. I have Helen for you.

Terry. I just need one second.

Oh yeah, no problem.

Hey! Sorry I missed your call.

I had a client walk off set.

The director fired a gun. It's just chaos.

Oh, wow, that's, um...

Yeah, that sounds crazy.

Um, no, I just walked in the door.

Did they call already?

They loved you.

No, I really don't think they did, actually.

Well, they thought you weren't quite right for this one.

So good. So good.

They said you seemed a little too worldly...

Yeah, I'm... I'm auditioning in a couple weeks, I think.

They just weren't sure you were passionate about the project.

I mean, I am trying, but, sure, yeah...

I feel like we've been getting that feedback a lot lately.

Are you still working with that acting coach?

Can we find you a...

Um... look, Helen.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, I think I can maybe just beat you to the punch

a little bit here.

Yeah, I'm rambling. You go ahead.

Mm-hmm. I'm working really hard,

and I'm accomplishing very little. So...

I'm not really sure what I'm doing in L.A. anymore.

Oh, lots of people go through that.

Right. Helen, I can barely afford my rent.

Hold that thought.

Robin, hand me that. Thank you.

Cheryl, honey...

- Yeah? - Okay, sweetie.

You know the ABC Studios where they shoot all those, um...

- Mm-hmm. - You know the one.

- The stages in the Valley. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I booked you a guest spot on a TV show!

Wait, really?

Yeah. Yeah, you bet. Friday.

Right. But I didn't audition.

You didn't have to.

I sent them your resume. They think you're perfect.

Um...

what's the show?

Bachelor #3, if I were an ice cream sundae,

what flavor would you want me to be,

and how would you eat me?

Well, if you were my ex-wife, I'd have to say rocky road.

Um... I need a drink.

I'm a vanilla man myself.

You know, I didn't think I'd come out here and be famous.

I just... I thought if I was disciplined...

And I have been.

Yeah! You're locked in your apartment, running lines.

I can hear you, most of the time.

I have notes.

I have a few notes.

And I haven't even been on a date in two years,

'cause I didn't want the distraction.

And now th...

I don't know, Helen...

Helen says it's good because it'll get me seen,

and Sally Field was on the show, so...

she's not totally wrong.

But still, it just feels...

Beneath you?

You think I'm being a brat.

No!

It's beneath you, but I still think it's a good thing.

The show?

No shit.

Why?

Because you're gonna meet some cheeseball guy,

who you'll spend all of two minutes with,

and you'll hate,

and then you'll be back here, right here at the bar,

laughing about it with me.

Why will I hate him?

'Cause he's gonna be a dork!

And you'd rather be hanging out with me.

- Yes, obviously. - Obviously.

I mean, you're basically my only friend out here.

Well... and that's good.

All right, shall we? Another?

Uh, no, I probably shouldn't.

I, you know, got my big break coming up, so...

I don't wanna look like garbage for that.

You could never look like garbage.

You always look beautiful.

That's sweet.

Oh! Oh, my god! Sorry.

That just took me by surprise.

Um, no, that just tickled for a...

Um...

That just took me by surprise.

Sorry, I'm... I... I think I'm a little jumpy.

I had a weird... pretty weird day.

Yeah, no, I... I get it.

Okay, great.

Do you wanna leave?

No. Um...

No, we should have another one.

Wake up!

Can't stay here.

Let's pack it up. - Yeah, okay.

Let's keep it moving.

Hey!

We need to keep this aisle clear.

You can't just sleep here.

Unbelievable.

Oh! Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Hey!

Hey, come back here!

Fucking bitch.

Can I help you with something, buddy?

I'm... I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to...

It... I... I just saw you sitting there,

and the light is perfect.

You're beautiful.

What? Did I say something?

Dude, I look pretty fucking far from beautiful right now.

What are you talking about?

You're gorgeous.

You got this, uh... like a...

Linda Manz thing going on.

I don't know who that is.

She was in that movie, uh, Days Of Heaven.

Well, consider me fucking swooned.

So, you ever done any modeling before?

Dude, I'm broke as shit.

So whatever you're trying to sell me...

I'm not trying to sell you anything.

I'm serious.

There's this photo contest that I wanna enter,

and I've been looking for a subject.

I think you'd be perfect for it.

Hold that pose.

What pose?

That pose.

Now look over your left shoulder.

That's your right. Your other left!

There you go. Now look

right into the lens, right here,

and give me that look you just gave me.

Come on. There she is!

Look at you. One more.

You know, Farrah Fawcett, she's got nothing on you.

So, what do you say?

Lisa?

- Cheryl! - Hi!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

No, it's fine.

There was an accident on the 101, and...

You're fine. You're totally fine.

Do you need anything? I can get you coffee, water.

Uh, no, thank you.

Have you eaten? I can get you a bagel?

No, really, I'm fine.

Helen tells me you're from Pennsylvania.

Um, Allentown, yeah.

Oh, I went to Penn State.

Oh, uh... go, Lady Lions.

Can I get you a water?

Oh, you... you asked me that already.

Ah. Right through here.

- Great. - Great.

So, you excited about this? How you feeling?

Um, good.

Yeah, I think it'll be fun.

It'll be so fun, I promise.

We're gonna get you through hair and makeup.

I saw your bachelors backstage.

You got a good batch.

Oh, really? What are they like?

They're idiots. All of them.

I don't know where they get 'em from.

- From under a rock. - Right?

Do you remember that one guy we had on the show?

Um... filmmaker. - Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, my god, he was beautiful.

But I'm telling you, the IQ of a lug nut.

Oh, it was really too bad.

- You want some? - No, I'm fine.

So, he shows up with his identical twin brother,

and he says, "Oh, I'm making a movie.

We're both acting in it.

I'm the star, but he's playing my best friend."

His identical twin brother is playing his best friend!

Like, what the hell is that about?

- Brilliant! - I love it!

Oh, god! Is it possible to get a guy in this town

that isn't a maniac?

Or a total moron?

Hello? Hey! How's everybody doing?

Whoa! A room full of beautiful women.

Hey, let's put that skunkweed away.

You're gonna get me in trouble.

What's up, Marilyn? So, this is Cheryl?

Yeah. Hi!

They told me that you went to Juilliard.

No.

Well, that's fantastic.

I guess you're a real music freak, huh?

Do you like this? You like the sound of this?

Yeah. It's cool.

There you go. See?

Women love that Black sound.

Come on.

Whatever happened to Tony Bennett?

What happened to Bing Crosby?

I mean, if you want soul,

listen to Perry Como singing "Moonglow."

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Yeah.

Okay. You're an intelligent girl.

Anyone can see that.

But when you get on that stage, though,

I don't want you to play so smart.

All right?

The guys are getting intimidated.

You know boys, they're babies.

- Right. - So... so just... that's right.

I just need you to laugh and smile just over and over.

Can you do that for me?

- Oh. Yeah. Sure. Of course. - I'd appreciate it.

There you go. You have a beautiful smile.

Mr. Burke? Your wife's on the phone.

Okay, thanks. Is this, uh...

is this... is this the dress you're wearing?

Yeah! Yeah.

Hey, Bruce?

Hey, Bruce, can you hear me?

Yeah.

Yeah. Um, can we get her in something

just a little more flattering?

I mean, she's got the body, so let's use it.

All right, thank you so much.

Looks perfect.

The audience is filling up.

Everyone's getting excited!

Great.

Looks great. Um, actually, you know what?

I think we should try the updo.

Yeah, whatever you want.

- I like it down. - You like it down?

Okay, let's do... let's do down.

Great.

Nice and flowing. Fabulous.

Careful! Smooth it out. Watch the car.

Relax, Mom. It's fine.

This is it?

It doesn't look like a television studio.

Mom, how would you know? You've never seen one.

Hey, don't talk back to your mother.

It just looks so drab.

What you see on TV, all these lights and stages.

There's lights inside. I promise you.

Doesn't it look drab to you?

Should we grab the umbrellas? I think it's gonna rain.

It's gonna rain? Come on, let's hurry it up!

How you holding up?

I don't know.

I'm feeling a little... drab.

You know, on TV,

they have all those big lights and stages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what do you think?

It's great.

Awesome.

We're ready for you.

Okay.

All right, everybody! Let's get started.

Fine to start without the live feed.

Yeah, it's fine. Good to go.

Okay, they're ready backstage.

Live from the Chuck Barris stages

in Hollywood, California,

it's The Dating Game!

And now, your host, Ed Burke!

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so much. You're too kind.

Welcome back to The Dating Game.

I'm your host, Ed Burke,

and we're absolutely thrilled you're all joining us tonight.

And who knows?

Will today be the day that sparks fly?

All right, Ed's just doing his intro now.

As soon as he's done, we...

Wait, he's... he's on right now?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Oh! Just watch your step here, be careful...

Now, this is a program which brings together...

Over here now. Stop, stop, stop.

And one very pretty girl.

Okay.

We give her a chance to question the gentlemen...

Okay, now, you're just around here.

- Okay. - Up these steps.

Great. And then what? I'm just on?

Mm-hmm. You okay?

Uh-huh.

Great! Have fun!

How we play the game. Come with me!

Now, before we meet our three eligible bachelors,

I think we should meet our lovely bachelorette.

I had the chance to meet her backstage,

and let me tell you, she is ready for a connection.

Sally Field. Sally Field. Sally Field.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the woman of the hour...

Cheryl!

Shit!

I gotta get out of here.

Somewhere I can see the sky.

I can't wait.

No, the place is great!

It's coming together.

I'm still seeing you this weekend, right?

Yeah, well,

you'd better, 'cause you're in the dog house now.

Shit!

Shit!

Sorry! Coming!

Coming!

Hey, hey!

Hey, is this for 2A?

It is.

Okay, great! I'll let you in.

We've been ringing the apartment for ten minutes!

Sorry, I was in the shower. I didn't hear it.

Tommy, let's go!

What?

You're just gonna leave it all out here?

Wish we could help, but we have a schedule to keep.

Hey, Ansel Adams!

It's, like, the last thing.

Yeah? It better be.

Yeah. I think it is.

Okay...

Almost.

Okay.

You want a beer?

You've never heard of Roman Polanski?

He's the doorman at the Ice Palace, right?

No, no, no, no! No.

Big guy with the tattoos?

No, no, he's a short guy

who directed Repulsion and Rosemary's Baby...

Are those movies, or...?

What do you mean? You're killing me!

I'm trying to name-drop here. - Drop away, man!

No, because you don't know who I'm talking about,

so it's not as impressive.

You're fucking with me.

Have I seen Rosemary's Baby?

Come on!

What? I... I don't know.

Maybe... maybe you don't like scary movies.

I don't like scary movies,

but I've seen Rosemary's fucking Baby!

Okay. So, I took a class with him at NYU. All right?

With Roman Polanski, I mean.

And... and that's... that's it. That's all I wanted to say.

Very impressive.

Do you feel better now?

Uh, you still go there?

I just graduated.

Congratulations!

That's amazing!

Uh, so what now?

I'm off to, uh, New Hampshire, actually.

Yeah.

I'm gonna be teaching kids photography.

Very cool.

Yeah.

You know, it's crazy.

It's my last day here...

and... and I meet you.

Like, it's so hard to meet people, you know,

that you can connect with,

so when I do, I just...

I like to savor the moment, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm... I'm the same way.

Hey, so, I should probably get this shit together.

I mean, this place is a mess.

I have to get unpacking.

It's, like such a disaster.

I don't know where anything is gonna go.

It's, I don't know, insane,

but thank you so much for your help.

It's very... very, very useful, so...

So, you said you were a stewardess?

Uh, yeah.

What's that like?

Well, I get to get groped by sweaty businessmen

while putting things in the overhead,

so what's not to love?

But it... but, no, it is great.

I mean, I get to see the world and travel for free, and...

I mean, I get to go to Egypt next week.

I've always wanted to go to Egypt,

so I'm very excited.

I think at first,

I was afraid that I was gonna get lonely,

being away from home,

but my airline is amazing...

Can I take your picture?

There she is.

What a beauty. Come on down here, darling.

Come on down.

There we go. You can stand right there for me.

Cheryl is an aspiring actress from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

She used to work massaging feet,

but quit when her boss asked her to work her way up.

She moved here from L.A. after graduating college,

and now is hoping to find a Romeo

to compliment her Juliet.

My goodness, you are a beauty. What a knockout.

How are you doing, Cheryl?

Uh, doing well.

Okay, fantastic. Are you ready to get this party started?

Yeah!

Okay, well, let the games begin.

All right. Now, the rules of the game are simple.

There are three bachelors behind this partition.

You can ask them whatever you'd like,

except their name, age, or occupation.

When this game is over, you simply pick which one

you'd like to go out with. Sound good?

Great!

Eight camera, get ready for snap zoom.

Hi, Cheryl.

Pleased to make your, uh, pleasure.

Uh, no, I mean, I... uh, pleasure to meet your, um...

Save that talk for the date.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

There we go. Third time's a charm.

Bachelor #2?

Hello, Cheryl!

Hello, hello, hello.

If you wanna groove, pick number two.

Oh, my god, is he stuck like that?

We'll have to find out.

And would you please say hello to Cheryl, Bachelor #3?

Lights up on number three.

We're gonna have a great time together, Cheryl.

Oh, he's confident.

Well, now that you know what they sound like,

are you ready to take it to the next step?

I think I am!

- Do you have your question set? - Sure do!

All right, let's take a seat and make yourself comfortable,

and here we go!

Jesus, Ed. Okay, kill the "applause" sign.

Bachelor #1, we're in a drama class,

and it's the big audition.

You're a nerdy school boy asking me out on a date.

Take it away!

Uh...

Hey.

I'm a...

You know, I'm a... I'm a nerdy school boy.

Do you wanna go on a date?

Is that it?

Yeah.

Well, we got a genius.

Pan to number two.

Simple. I like it, Bachelor #1.

Um, Bachelor #2, you're the captain of the football team.

Go.

Hey there, Peggy Sue.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I was thinking if you weren't doing nothing,

maybe we could play a game of touch football.

I'd be shirts, you'd be skins.

I don't know, that sounds awfully rough.

Rough and rowdy. That's the way I like it, babe.

Bachelor #3, you're the accomplished professor.

Go for it.

Young lady, I'm gonna need you to stay after class

and have a word with me.

Oh! Do you need to teach me a lesson?

Yes. Yes, I do.

In fact, you're gonna have to bend over...

backwards with dedication.

Okay... um, Bachelor #1.

If I served you for dinner, what would you be?

Uh, I am the buffet.

I gotta get out of here.

Right now? It's the middle of the show.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Is everything okay?

- Stop. - Let me go.

Uh, Bachelor #2?

Oh, I'm the big old green salad,

with the vinaigrette on the side,

because I like things undressed.

Uh, that's funny.

Bachelor #1...

Oh! What was that?

Jesus, what the fuck was that?

Guys, what was that?

Was that part of the show?

What do we do? Just...?

Somebody down there get Ed's attention.

Ed. Ed!

Ed! Say something!

Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen,

that is the end of round one,

and I think we're going to hear from our sponsors.

We'll be right back.

Go to commercial. Go to two! Go to two!

What the fuck was that?

Okay, everyone, we're re-setting!

Someone clean that up!

So, baby, you're doing amazing.

Just knocking it out of the park, seriously.

Oh, great.

Hey, the magic of television, huh?

While we got some time,

who's here from out of town, huh?

Hollywood? First time? Oh!

Bet you didn't think it was gonna be that exciting.

Just clean this up.

That's not my job.

It's okay, I'm your boss.

Okay. Fine.

Dammit!

They want to make an adjustment.

I don't think that's gonna work for you.

Um, do you know where...

He's probably somewhere upstairs holding court.

Yeah, I met her at, uh, Warren Beatty's house.

"Warren Beatty's house." Listen to this fucking guy.

Hey, uh, Rodney?

Uh, this is the new guy, uh... Mario, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

And her parents let you take this?

Let me? They paid me.

No.

I can see it. Your big break. That's how the industry works.

Yeah, I know how it works.

Usually for drugs.

Oh... oh, what, you think they hold them down?

They force-feed them more drugs?

He did rape a kid.

Oh, Joe says he would.

Everyone would do drugs.

She's 13!

Yeah, but... I mean, come on.

Girls these days...

You know, I...

I took that one in Malibu a few weeks ago.

Yeah, it's nice.

I was just thinking maybe going there later today.

I usually find my subject on the beach,

but I feel like you'd look great in that light,

so, you know, if you're around...

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not... I'm not busy.

You're not busy.

I'm free whenever.

What was she doing there in the first place?

Rod. Rod!

Yeah?

Some people are here to see you.

Yeah? Who? Warren Beatty?

It's the police.

Oh, yeah, no, um... my place...

it was jacked last week, so...

You know, some of the camera equipment was lost.

They're probably just following up on that, you know?

All right, I'll see you guys later.

Party's over.

Yeah, okay. Okay, good night.

Yeah. Uh...

Yeah, you know, we always gotta check these things out.

Hey, you're just doing your job.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

It's okay. Thank you guys, yeah?

Appreciate it.

Were you here a couple months ago?

The police thought he did it.

There's always been something wrong with that guy.

I don't want to say this, but I... I...

Fuck!

Hey.

Uh, so... um... later...

I can't, 'cause they actually want me to stay late,

because I... I... there's, like, nobody here.

Short on staff.

Um...

Another time?

Yeah.

I'll find someone else.

Okay.

Uh... sorry.

Allison!

Al, are you in there?

Hey, Al, I've been calling for a while,

and I'm... I'm just a little worried about you.

Okay, I'm... I'm going to get the spare now.

I'm coming in, okay?

If you're in there, I'm coming in.

No, it's all good! It's all good.

Excuse me!

We're working here.

What'd I tell ya? Lug nuts.

How am I doing?

You're great. Fabulous.

What is it?

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. Nothing. Um...

I'm trying to do what Ed said.

Just feels a little weird, that's all.

Oh, fuck Ed.

I mean, no disrespect, but fuck him.

This isn't a sitcom.

You're not coming back next week.

Oh, Omaha! Love that place.

What's Ed gonna do?

Fire you?

You're supposed to be having fun.

That's the whole point.

So just be yourself.

Say whatever you want.

Um, do either of you have a pen?

- Yeah. Here you go. - Gretchen does.

Thank you.

She looks fine.

She's gorgeous. Yeah.

Ugh, look at those guys.

Thank you.

Don't mind if I do.

No, thanks.

Too small.

Seriously, anything under a C cup...

can't do it.

What about her?

What about her?

You haven't seen her yet.

What if she's petite?

I'll let her blow me.

No, you won't.

I won't?

And why's that?

Because I always get the girl.

Guys all set down there?

Check in with Matthew and see how close we are?

He says he just needs 30 seconds.

Okay, camera, come on.

We're up and running.

In place, everyone!

Ladies, stop messing with her hair.

I know you're barely touching her.

We're ready for you, Mr. Burke.

Okay, don't let that throw you. You got this.

Okay, Mr. Burke.

Okay, you guys good? You need anything? Okay, great!

We're on.

Laura! Are you okay?

Hey.

I know Bachelor #3.

Oh.

Did you date him or something?

No, I didn't date him. He...

Do you remember my friend, Allison?

The one who was...

Oh, yeah.

I remember you talking about her.

And there was that guy at the beach, and...

I... shouldn't have left her there. I...

I told her to be careful,

and I knew that there was something wrong.

I knew something was off about that guy.

You gave his description to the police.

Yeah. That's the guy.

Bachelor #3?

Um...

How... how sure are you?

I'm pretty sure.

Pretty sure?

Like, 90%.

But you're not positive.

I'm just saying this guy might look really similar, right?

I'm not saying that I don't believe you, Laura.

I'm just...

I mean, if this guy did what you're implying,

then wouldn't he be in jail and not on a TV show?

I don't know. I, um...

I mean, it's a big TV show.

You don't think they vet their contestants?

Maybe it is the guy, right?

And maybe the police, they looked into him,

and they cleared him.

Look, I love you.

And I'm really sorry that you lost your friend.

It must feel like he's around every corner.

I can't even imagine. But...

I'm just not sure what you want me to do...

Get out.

What?

Get out.

- Laura... - Now!

Okay, everyone! Here we go! Look alive!

We're back into it in five...

four... three...

two...

All right. Welcome back to The Dating Game.

Thank you for bearing through that, uh, technical difficulty,

but let's get back to the show.

Cheryl, the floor is yours.

Take it away.

Bachelor #1.

Einstein said that sitting on a hot stove for a minute

feels like an hour,

but sitting next to a nice girl for an hour

feels like a minute.

That was his theory of special relativity.

What's yours?

Um...

what?

I'll come back to you on that.

Wait, hold on. Was that the actual question?

Bachelor #2, when you invite a girl out for dinner,

what do you expect in return?

Uh, I guess that depends on the meal.

Are we talking filet mignon, or what?

That's a good question. Are we?

Yeah, sure. I'm a generous guy.

Good to know.

Are these the scripted questions?

And since I'm spending an arm and a leg on dinner,

I'd like to think that she could at least provide the dessert.

Oh, and what would you order for dessert?

Oh, you know...

No, I don't. Tell me.

Something hot.

Like cherries flambé?

Yeah! Yeah, with lots of whipped cream.

Sorry, I'm on a diet.

Bachelor #1, how's that theory of special relativity

coming along? - Hmm?

Groovy. Keep at it.

Bachelor #3, what's the difference

between a boy and a man?

A boy thinks that buying a woman dinner

means she owes him something.

Okay. And what does a man think?

Well, for starters,

he knows better than to start talking about dessert

before he's made it through dinner.

That's not bad.

Bachelor #1, any luck?

Keep up, she's going back to the genius thing.

I... I can't.

Okay, should I...

should I be taking notes, teacher? Or...?

Oh! It will be on the final exam, Ed.

That's good.

Bachelor #3, your buddy's drawing a blank.

Do you wanna help him out?

With his theory of special relativity?

Yeah.

Whether it's for a minute or for an hour,

I like to sit relatively close to a special girl

whenever I get the chance.

How's that?

That's pretty good.

That's not bad.

Bachelor #1, I threw you a curve ball last time.

I'll say.

I didn't know I, uh,

I needed to be an astrologer to be on this show.

Do you mean an astronomer?

Is there a difference?

Do you want there to be?

Um... no?

By the way, Einstein was a physicist,

not an astronomer. It doesn't matter.

Are you gonna ask me a question?

I just asked you two, but sure.

Bachelor #1, in "The Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals,"

Immanuel Kant argues...

She's gonna give him a heart attack.

I don't...

I'm kidding. Bachelor #1, I'm kidding!

I'm just having fun with you.

Bachelor #1, this is nice and easy.

What are girls for?

Uh, what do you mean?

Just what I said, what are girls for?

Geez, you're getting edgy with this one.

Oh! Do you wanna go back to Immanuel Kant?

No, no, no. I can do this.

Good to hear it. I believe in you, Bachelor #1.

Thank you.

Uh...

girls are for...

guys... and, you know, having fun with.

Well, Gloria Steinem would be proud.

Being a little hard on the boys, aren't you, Cheryl?

Oh, I think we're all having fun.

Oh, of course we are.

Aren't we having fun?

See? We're having so much fun.

Bachelor #2.

What are girls for?

Uh, why does this feel like a trap?

I don't know. Why does it?

Well, because if I say girls are for wining and dining,

then I sound like a jerk.

And if I say they're for, respecting or whatever,

then I just sound like a schmuck looking to get laid.

Okay. Bachelor #2, I think you answered my question.

Ah, hey, wait. No.

I... I didn't mean it like that.

Moving on!

Bachelor #3.

I'm counting on you.

What are girls for?

I, no.

No, I... I...

No one's beating Ali twice.

I don't think so.

Uh, Jim, gimme a second.

Can I help you with something?

Um, I need to speak with someone on The Dating Game.

If you want tickets to the show,

you need to go to Guest Relations.

Go back down the same hallway you came, take a right.

Yeah, I don't wanna see the show.

I just came from there.

I need to speak with someone who works on it,

like a producer or something.

What for?

There's someone on the show right now

who shouldn't be there.

Who shouldn't be there. Your boyfriend?

No.

Husband?

Last year, a friend of mine was raped and murdered,

and the police never...

I think that the guy that killed her

is up on that stage right now,

Bachelor #3,

and this is a very dangerous man,

so can you just call someone for me?

Please?

Hey, Jim, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Yeah.

What are girls for?

Yeah, that's right.

I guess I'd have to say that that's up to the girl.

That's a very good answer.

Oh, yeah, we love that.

Um...

Bachelor #3, I have a follow-up question.

Shoot.

Well, you've been with the other bachelors

for a while now.

Uh, we... we've talked for a bit, yeah.

Okay.

Tell me, what's the most disgusting thing

Bachelors 1 and 2 have said or done backstage?

Besides coming on this show, of course.

That's good.

Oh, gosh. Um...

Uh, that's a tough one.

If I'm being honest,

um, Bachelor #1 didn't really say anything disgusting.

That's, uh... that's true, I didn't.

And what about Bachelor #2?

Um...

I can't repeat it word for word,

as how we're on television and all, but...

he had some thoughts about bra sizes

being a prerequisite for a meaningful relationship.

Oh, is that right?

Aw, darn it.

That signals the end of our game.

Well, Cheryl, it's time to make a decision.

Throw to commercial.

Analyze what you heard,

and while Cheryl makes her decision,

we're gonna take a little time

for you to make a decision about the very fine products...

I'll have you wait in the office here,

and someone will be with you shortly.

Uh, who?

George Elliott, the series producer.

You can have a seat if you like.

He'll be able to help you.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Really.

And we'll be right back.

And we're out.

Once this show is over, I want this cunt out of here.

I never wanna see her fucking face again.

I know. I'm so sorry, sir.

So, who you gonna pick?

Mm.

Oh, knock it off.

What? I'm just asking.

Do you think I went too far?

I think he thinks you went to far.

He thinks everything is too far.

Yeah, but do you, though?

Honey, I've been on this show since 1968,

and I've seen more idiots flirting back and forth

than I can count.

The one thing I've learned is,

no matter what words they use,

the question beneath the question remains the same.

All right...

what's the question?

"Which one of you will hurt me?"

You just asked it clearer than most.

Hey, man. What the fuck?

Why would you tell her that?

She asked.

Fuck you.

You know what? Soon as this show's over,

you and me, we're gonna have words.

Is that right?

Well, what if I don't show?

You gonna hire somebody to track me down?

Fucking pussy.

You know what? I have a better idea.

Why don't we swap contact information

so we know where to find each other?

Hmm.

Okay. Yeah.

Stocker Street, Glendale.

Yeah, I know where that is.

Here.

Oh, Jesus! What the fuck is that, man?

It's fake.

Fucking weirdo.

Yeah?

All right, folks! Everyone in place!

That's enough. Come on, let's get out of here.

Let's move this chair. Get up. Get up, Cheryl.

We've had an entire commercial break to get rid of this.

Come on. Go, go, go. Here, you. You're right there.

- And five... four... - Go. Go.

- Three... two... - Boys are babies, right?

Welcome back to The Dating Game.

Cheryl, you have played this game beautifully,

but now it is time to make a decision.

Our bachelors were cool, candid, sharp,

and, uh, patient,

but only one of them can get the date.

Will it be Bachelor #1,

Bachelor #2, or Bachelor #3?

Cheryl, who is the lucky guy?

Number three!

Number three! My, my, my!

Let me ask you, Cheryl,

what about number three appealed to you the most?

He knows what girls are for.

He knows what girls are for.

Now, before we meet Bachelor #3,

let me introduce you to Bachelor #1 from Sherman Oaks.

He is a medical intern,

and desires to own his own practice.

His hobbies include reading and golf.

Please welcome Josh Young.

- Hi. It's nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

A wonderful job. Marvelous job.

Bachelor #2 is a furniture designer from Glendale

who enjoys Frisbee and dancing.

Cheryl, please meet Arnie Aslan.

Careful with that asshole.

All right. Thank you, gentlemen.

We have some very fine parting gifts for you

right out this way.

Now it is time to come face to face

with the bachelor you did choose,

but first, I'd like to tell you a little bit about him.

Bachelor #3 hails from the great state of Texas.

He's a skydiver, into motorcycling,

and is a fine photographer.

Please welcome Rodney Alcala!

- Hi, how are you? - Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

It's so nice to meet you.

Well, you did it, Rod.

You offered some great answers to some very tricky questions,

and you got the girl.

Thanks, Ed.

Rodney and Cheryl, pack your bags,

because you're going on an all-expense-paid trip

to Carmel, California!

Thank you for joining us,

and we'll see you next time on The Dating Game.

And we're out!

Cheryl, sweetie! This way.

Oh! Watch your step here.

Just through this door, okay.

Excuse me?

Hi. I'm sorry to bother you.

Um...

I'm supposed to meet with someone named George Elliott.

He's a producer.

I beg your pardon?

George Elliott.

He's an executive producer on The Dating Game.

Do you know where I could find him?

It's very important that I speak with him.

I doubt that very much.

Why?

Because I'm George Elliott.

What?

Lemme guess...

the security guard out front, he set this up, yeah?

He is a real asshole, all right.

Excuse me.

If there's something I can do, I'd be happy to try and...

Thank you so much again. Did you have fun?

- Um... yeah, I had a lot of... - Oh, good, right this way.

- This way? Okay. Got it. - Yeah. Out here. Okay.

I thought it went really well.

I think so too.

All right. Now, safe travels.

We'll be in touch.

Thank you so much.

Cheryl?

Hi! Hey...

I lost you back there.

Yeah! I looked for you after I changed,

but... that was crazy.

The whole thing was crazy.

They showed me on stage,

the lights went on, and... here we go.

Yeah!

Yeah.

It was kinda fun.

I mean, it was evil and soul-crushing,

but... I had a little fun.

Yeah.

But, yeah.

Uh... I guess I'll see you in Carmel.

I mean... do you wanna go somewhere now?

No fucking way. This is beautiful.

Hey!

You want some?

Hell, yeah.

Man, who woulda thought

that I'd find the love of my life today, huh?

Don't make me fucking laugh, you asshole.

Take it easy.

Is that your stuff?

Yeah. That's some of my work.

Let's see what I'm working with.

Wow.

These are, um...

I won $500 with that one.

No shit?

Yep.

All right, well, enough of this crap.

Why don't you spill it out?

Where you from?

Why do you wanna know?

Why are you not telling me?

Maybe because I didn't fucking like it there.

Ah, okay.

So you're a runaway.

Oh, my god.

You make me sound like I'm Oliver fucking Twist.

I'm independent.

Your folks... they must be worried.

Pammy's too loaded to worry about anything.

What about your dad? Where's he at?

Who knows?

He took off when I was a kid.

That must have been tough.

You know, growing up without him.

Oh, please.

When did your dad walk out on you?

Did you make it to eighth grade?

Did you ever try to find him?

No.

I'm afraid I'd kill him.

It's amazing how one selfish asshole

can fuck up your entire life.

Here.

What is this?

It's chocolate.

What's it for?

It's Valentine's Day.

You're my Valentine.

That looks pretty far.

It's not, it's just up that hill.

Hill?

Wearing comfortable shoes?

Yeah.

Good! 'Cause you'll need 'em.

You ready?

- Yeah. - All right. Follow me.

Almost there.

Sun's going down.

Where do you want me to stand?

Just keep going.

Over by the rock.

This one?

Just keep going.

Yeah, right by the edge.

Yeah, that's nice.

Now turn around and face the light.

Yeah, that's beautiful.

You're a natural.

All right, just one more.

Now look up straight to the sky.

Did you get the shot?

Rodney?

Oh, my god. Where are we?

What is this place?

I don't know, but you know this is what happens

when a pretty girl like yourself

tells me to duck into the first place I find.

Oh, my god.

I thought it looked normal from the outside.

What are you reading?

Oh, uh... uh, Cowboy Mouth.

It's this play.

Sam Shepard. Patti Smith. Yeah. Hmm.

I saw the, uh... the original run.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

So you lived in New York?

Yeah. NYU.

Columbia!

Mm.

I probably passed you on the subway.

Mm... I think I would remember you.

Um...

"Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way

in order to come back a short distance correctly."

Is that Cowboy Mouth? Or...?

Oh, no. The Zoo Story.

Ah! That's right.

Oh, my god.

It's such a... a beautiful piece.

- Oh, you know it? - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah, Albee's an incredible writer.

He is. He's, um... he's a genius.

You know, he's actually... he's one of my favorites.

Wow, you know your stuff.

Um... anyway, there's a...

a production of Cowboy Mouth that's going up at The Odyssey,

so I'm auditioning in... in, like, a week.

Cool.

Well, I can't wait to see you in that.

Yeah, I don't have the part yet.

Nah, it's in the bag.

Oh, yeah? You think so?

Yeah, for sure! I mean, you have this, like...

Patti Smith vibration thing going on.

That's sweet. I could not have less

of a Patti Smith vibration going on.

I'm not talking about this.

I'm talking about... soul.

You know?

Okay.

That's very far out.

I mean, it's...

I think that's good.

That's good. I'm into that.

I'm probably making this harder than it has to be.

I don't date much.

I don't date at all, actually.

But you decided to go to The Dating Game.

Yeah, that's funny. Um...

My agent said it would get me seen.

"It's good exposure. It'll get you seen."

Did you feel seen?

I felt looked at.

And how do you feel right now?

Fine.

Fine.

You know, most people don't like to be seen.

They're afraid.

Because you have to be comfortable with yourself.

You have to stop performing.

Mm.

I never hide who I am.

Excuse me, ma'am?

Can you give us another round?

We had the Mai Tais.

Sorry, you missed last call.

We're just closing up.

That's a shame.

Well, I guess, uh, we'll have to get out of here then, huh?

You park back at the lot?

Yeah.

I'll walk with you.

What's your number?

I figure we have to connect before we go to Carmel, so...

Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

Something wrong?

No.

Thanks.

Good night.

Hey!

Can you tell me your number?

- I just gave it to you. - I know. I know.

I just... wanna make sure I have the right one.

You know, sometimes, the 4s, they kinda look like 9s.

Right.

Um...

yeah, just... just let me see it, and I...

You can't repeat it from memory?

So I guess this means

we're not really meeting up in Carmel anymore?

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere with you.

All right.

Fair enough.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Yeah, maybe.

You're gonna get your fucking head bashed in.

What?

Fuck.

Okay. Fuck.

Fuck.

Get your fucking hand off my car.

Fuck.

So great. Uh, Sara! Can you save that for later?

Thanks.

Really good.

Really good. Try one more.

Hi.

You ready?

Uh, yeah, I did...

I did file a report, in December of last year,

and I don't know what else to tell...

This man, he was on national television...

Look, I don't know who you spoke with. All right?

I don't know who I spoke with either!

How many ti...

forget it.

Do your fucking job!

Fuck!

Uh, ma'am...

Sorry. I'm go... I'm going.

Cheryl, sweetie, I think you're making a mistake.

Well, I can appreciate that, Helen.

Right now, MGM is looking for an unknown brunette

for this big thriller they've got,

and they do wanna see a swimsuit photo

before you can audition...

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Well, see if they can make an exception.

No, not just this audition, just all of it.

Cheryl, don't be the girl who's on one stupid TV show

and was never seen again.

You're better than that.

Yeah, I... I know.

Uh, listen, I'm really sorry that it didn't work out,

and I appreciate everything, I really do.

Um...

Bye, Helen.

I just, um...

Okay.

Uh, this is everything, so we're good to go.

Look what I did.

Hey.

Hey, are you okay?

I guess things got pretty crazy last night.

Do you think that you could do me a favor?

Do you think that you could not tell anyone about this?

Please?

I would just be so fucking embarrassed.

You know how judgmental people can be.

Thank you.

So... do you wanna go back to your place?

Okay.

Cool.

Can you help me with these?

Someone knows how to tie a knot.

Something tells me you were a boy scout.

Hey, um...

I just wanted to say, um...

I'm sorry if I was rough with you back there.

It's okay, baby.

Everything's okay.

I'm gonna take a leak.

You want something?

I'm okay.

Okay.

Tony, call for backup!

Get the cuffs on him. - Get your hands off of me!

Hold his legs down! Stop resisting!

- Don't do this! - Stop resisting!

We're at marker 112. We need assistance.

I got him, I got him!

Okay, take a breath!

He's... he's done.