Original subtitles

Tonight Stellar Productions presents

the boy band of the decade

it's Fingerbang live from Madison Square Gardens!

Cartman, I want you!

All:

Yes, yes, yes, I'm a star.

I'm a star!

I'm--

Oh, I'm nobody, goddamn it!

Wait a minute, maybe that was a sign from God.

That's it, isn't it.

You want me to start a boy band,

so I can make $10 million, don't you?

That's it!

Gentlemen, thank you for coming.

This is the beginning of a great time in our lives.

God has finally spoken to me, guys,

and he has told me how I can make $10 million.

How? - Boy band.

Boy band? - Boy band.

I'm not being in a faggy boy band.

There's nothing faggy about $10 million, asshole!

This was a message from God!

Ducle, we don't have any musical talent.

That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!

I've got prerecorded music we can sing to, just like they do.

All we need to do is practice our choreography

over and over and over.

Shut up, Kenny.

And then I know I can get us a gig at the South Park Mall.

So everybody get in a straight line,

we're going to listen to the song from the top and--

Wait a minute, there's only four of us.

So? - So all boy bands

have five members. - What?

N'sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block,

all had five members.

He's right. - Damn it!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

We'll put off songs for now

and hold auditions for a fifth member.

Get the word out that auditions will be tomorrow morning.

Did you have fun at Eric's house today, Stanley?

I guess. - What did you do?

Well, Cartman wants to start a boy band,

so we're going to rehearse and then try to perform

at the South Park Mall.

Oh, that sounds nice.

No, it does not sound nice.

Stanley, you are going to have no part of that boy band.

Well, but, Dad, all my friends are doing it.

If all your friends jumped off a cliff,

would you do that too?

Cartman says we can make $10 million.

You are not going to be in a boy band, Stanley,

and that is final!

Geez, what's up Dad's ass?

Down came the white angel and she said,

Ah, thank you, Butters. We'll let you know.

I can do it again.

We'll let you know, Butters.

Well, alright then.

Pff, oh my God, his intonation was so off!

It was?

Dude, I don't think I can sing any better than that.

Guys, if we're going to impress the mall owner

and get that gig, we better do it better than that.

Next!

Ah, next is Ike Brovlofsky. Kyle's brother?

I promised my mom I'd let him try.

Christ sake. What key?

"G".

Next!

Next audition!

Goddamn it, next!

Not the next song, the next person!

Oh, man, this is gonna be a long-ass day.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

Sorry, Wendy, this is try-outs for a boy band.

Oh, come on, dude. Let her try.

No way! - Come on, Cartman.

You haven't liked anybody else.

Okay, okay, fine.

Wow me!

Thanks, Wendy, don't call us. We won't call you either.

Dude, what are you talking about?

That was awesome!

Dude, she's a chick!

Come on, nobody's going to notice.

Nobody's gonna notice?

What about her huge freakin' hooters, huh?

She's the best chance we have. I say she's in.

Me too. - Me too.

Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

Alright, fine. She's in until she screws up.

Yeah!

Okay, you guys all ready to rehearse?

Cartman, it's 6:00 in the morning.

Do we have to rehearse this early?

We have to rehearse all that we can.

Now, check this out. My mom made us costumes.

Costumes?

Yeah, this one's yours, Stan.

This one is Kyle's.

This one will cover-up Wendy's hooters.

Hey Cartman, how come your costume has, like,

nose-rings and facial hair?

'Cause I'm, like, you know, the tough one.

Every boy band has to have the one member that's,

you know, is tough.

I want to be the tough one.

Kyle, you are the sweet one.

Will you please just cooperate and not--

I wanna be the tough one.

You can't be the tough one because you're Jewish!

Jews are tough! - Since when?

Since Abraham, fatass!

Alright, fine, here.

Jesus Christ, I wonder if every boy band

had to go through this.

Hey Cartman, what does fingerbang mean anyways?

I heard it on HBO.

It means like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger

like a gun or something.

Kenny says, "that's not what it means."

Okay, Kenny, what does fingerbang mean then?

What? Who the hell would do that!

Jesus Christ, grow up, Kenny, would you?

Alright, boys, let's do it from the top.

One, two, three, four.

Now, I know that this is your first day on the job

of mall security, rookie.

Keeping the law in the mall is just like any tough city,

and especially because they don't let us have guns,

it can be very dangerous.

Alright, guys, just do it like we rehearsed.

We need energy. We need to be up.

Excuse me, just where do you think you're going?

We're going to see the mall manager.

Do you have the proper clearance?

Uh-oh, mall cops.

You have to make an appointment first.

Now move along, sir.

But we practiced for days!

All we want to do is show the guy what we can do,

so that maybe we'll have a chance to perform

in the plaza of the--

ah, ah, ah!

Ah, oh, Goddamn it!

Jesus Christ, dude!

Oh, God, I can't see!

Move along, sir, or I'll do it again.

You see, you put your life on the line every day.

Well, I guess we can't get in to see the mall manager.

The hell we can't!

I'm not letting no washed-up mall cops

ruin my divine quest. Come on!

Hey!

What are you doing?

Nothing, just shopping.

Move along, sir.

You see, sometimes you gotta just do that.

Keep shoppers on their toes. Try it.

Hey!

What are you doin'?

Nothing, why?

Move along, ma'am.

That's what being a mall cop is all about, yeah.

Cool.

Attention, mall shoppers,

the next 20 people to buy an orange smoothie

will also receive a complimentary Nissan Sentra.

Hurry up.

Jesus, they're gonna start a riot!

Alright, guys, here we go.

Hello, sir! - What?

Hey, who are you?

We are Fingerbang.

Oh, what?

How'd you get in here? Hey!

We would like to audition for you

for a gig in the central plaza of your fine mall.

What? Oh.

You want to play at the mall?

Like Tiffany?

Sort of like Tiffany, yes. Can we audition?

Oh, well, I guess. What?

Alright, let's do it boys!

All:

Okay, that's enough!

Thank you! So can we play here?

What? No.

No? - Who?

No. - Why not?

Well, uh, uh, oh...

Right now there's a cheese and sausage cart in the plaza,

and I would--I'd hate to have to move it

off to the side for a while.

What?

You don't think we're any good, do you?

No, I mean, just not quite as good

as sausage and cheese.

Well, come on, guys. We gave it our best.

Wow, that was your best?

Wow, I feel so rejected.

Yeah. There you are!

You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom

and started an orange smoothie riot!

Uh-oh.

I will now read you your mall rights.

You have the right to shop at a variety of malls--

Run for it!

Go get 'em, rookie!

Where is Stan?

Oh, he's over at Eric's house practicing for his boy band.

What, I specifically told him not to do that!

Now, Randy, calm down. It's just a silly little dream.

They're not gonna actually make it.

And what if they do make it, Sharon?

What if they do make it?

Are you going to be the one to tell him?

Mom, what's up Dad's ass?

It's a long story, Shelly.

Let's just say your father...

Has a lot up his ass right now.

Oh, oh, hello, Eric.

Problem, Chef. I have many problems.

Well, if you, uh, come back in just a little bit, Eric,

I'll see if I can help you out.

Just don't know what I'm going to do.

Sometimes I just wonder if God is just toying with me.

Alright, Eric, what's the matter?

Chef, God told me I was to start a boy band

and make $10 million.

The problem is it isn't working.

I mean, I feel the music burning inside me,

but I just can't express it right, you know?

Well, Eric, I think you're just

focusing in on the wrong thing.

Boy bands aren't about music.

Boy bands are created by corporations to make money,

they're all based on the Garmlich effect.

What's the Garmlich effect?

The law of physics that states

if one girl screams for something,

it will make other girls scream

and then it grows exponentiously

until all girls within a five-mile radius are screaming.

So how do boy bands use that?

All they do is make videos showing tons and tons

of girls screaming for the boy bands.

Once you get girls screaming, you can't stop 'em.

They're crazy.

Except for Lillith, of course.

Thanks. - You're welcome.

Now go away. - Okay!

And a cucumber in the pants never hurt either.

Cucumber in the pants. Got it!

Alright everybody, listen up.

This is how this first shot is gonna work.

The girls are standing here,

and then the members of the band walk by looking cool.

When you see us, you girls all scream like,

"Oh, my God, it's Fingerbang! Oh, my God!"

Okay?

Are we going to get paid now or after?

I'll pay you afterwards, promise.

Okay, Timmy, roll camera! - Timmy!

Dude, what's wrong with your leg?

Huh, oh Chef said to put a cucumber down my pants

for good luck.

All: Ya! Whoo-whoo!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, cut! - Ha-ha!

You have to go crazier than that.

I mean, you have to act like it's freakin'

Leonardo DiCaprio.

We wouldn't give a rat's ass

if Leonardo DiCaprio came walking passed us.

All: Yeah!

Fine, who would you go crazy for?

Matt Lauer.

Okay, fine. Pretend that we're Matt Lauer.

Oh, okay! - Okay, roll camera.

Timmy!

All:

Jesus Christ!

All:

And cut!

Alright, our video's complete. - Timmy!

With the grace of God, I can now go back

to that mall manager and show him what we've got!

Okay, so where's our money?

Oh, uh, Kyle has it.

Stanley, what the hell are you doing?

We are making a music video.

You get in the truck right now!

Dad I was just-- - Get in the truck!

Dad, I did all my chores.

Why can't I play with my friends?

Stanley, it's just that there's better things

you can be doing on a Saturday than singing and dancing.

You could be watching tv or laying in bed.

Dad, I like being in a boy band.

I think it's interesting.

Well, there's plenty of other interesting things you can do.

Have you ever tried marijuana? - No!

Well, maybe it's time. - Dad!

Hey!

What are you doing?

I've got a new strain of anthrax

that I will see unleash upon all of North America.

Move along, sir. - Huh?

Attention, shoppers,

there are naked people at the orange smoothie machine.

There are naked people at the orange--

Goddamn it!

Hello again.

What? Oh, it's you.

I don't like you.

I know you didn't love our audition,

but now we have a video.

Oh. What?

If you would, sir, just watch this

and prepare to be wowed.

Timmy!

Oh, Goddamn it.

Our camera guy kinda sucks,

but this next shot we did was really cool.

Ah!

Timmy! Livin' a lie!

Son of a bitch!

Hey, this video's dumb.

You don't understand.

Girls were going crazy for us, please!

This is what God wants me to do, please!

Alright, alright. - What?

Well, I guess I can move the sausage and cheese cart

off to one side for a little while.

Really, you will?

Only for 20 minutes, though.

That's all we need.

How about this afternoon at 3:00?

Oh, okay.

Yes, thank you, sir. You will not be disappointed.

Oh, Mrs. Cartman, I've been very bad, okay.

You have been bad, Mr. Mackey,

so you're going to have to drink from this glass.

Oh, yeah, that makes me hot.

Oh, Mom! - Wow! What?

It's not fair, dad. Why can't I be in a boy band?

Because I said so!

Dad, Cartman said we're going to perform in the mall at 3:00.

My friends are going to be pissed off at me.

Let 'em be pissed off then. I don't understand.

Just let me let me go do this one thing and I won't--

No! No!

Dad, what the hell is going on?

I was...

I was 18 when my high school men's choir

performed at the grand opening

of a sporting goods store in Denver.

All:

I was just one of 15 members and I had no idea

that a record producer was in the audience.

Kid, can I talk to you? - Sure.

You were really great up there.

Too good for a pissant choir in a pissant mountain town.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, I'm putting together a rock group,

a vocal group called the Ghetto Avenue Boys.

I think you would make a perfect member.

What, me? You like my singing that much?

Yeah, I think your mustache is perfect.

How would you like to come to New York

and start a singing career?

Oh my God, I don't know.

I mean, I still have another year of high school and I--

hey, look, if you don't want it, I'll keep looking.

No, wait. I mean...I'll think about it.

I take it that means yes. Call me in the morning.

And just like that, I left everything.

I dropped out of high school.

See ya!

I said good-bye to my girlfriend.

See ya!

And I left my family.

See ya!

And suddenly there I was,

thrown into a group with four other young men

who I didn't even know.

Take 112.

All:

All:

The songs were terrible,

but believe it or not the country ate them up.

The next thing I knew,

we were the biggest thing in the world.

All:

I had everything, a huge house

and all the women you can imagine.

And then one day, just as quick as it started...

Alright, guys, let's take it from the top.

Hey, Mr. Allens.

Hey, oh...

Uh, Randy.

Who are they?

These are the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys.

My new boy band.

But, we're still selling records right?

Look, kid, you're just getting a little old

to be in a boy band.

I'm 19. - Get a life, Marsh!

Alright, guys, let's take it from the top.

They said that after all the money we had made

we were in debt to the studio.

So they towed my car.

See ya!

The women all left.

All: See ya!

And they took back my house.

See ya!

The only thing I could do was come back to Colorado

and face everyone that I had abandoned.

Hey, weren't you the guy in that stupid boy band,

the Ghetto Avenue Boys?

Sure, I remember you.

And so, you see, Stanley,

I do know what I'm talking about.

Jesus Christ. I never knew.

I didn't want you to know, because now I'm a joke.

Ever since then, I have wished every single day

that I could go back to that moment

when I was offered the job and say, "no."

Because all the fame, the money, the women,

all it did was build me up,

so that I could be knocked down

harder than anybody in the world.

That's what being in a boy band is all about, Stanley.

It's people smothering you and embracing you and loving you

and then spitting you out and throwing you away

like you were last night's pork chops.

Now, we wander the Earth in disarray,

us, New Kids on the block, the Osmonds,

we're all the same.

And that is why you can't go to the mall.

Okay.

Wow, there must be at least 20 people out there.

Where the hell is Stan?

He'll be here. Stan wouldn't douche.

I swear to God, if he ruins this dream of mine,

I will have his nuts!

Hey, uh, are you gonna do that thing or what?

Yes, yes, sir. Any second.

We're just waiting on one more member.

Well, hurry up, I can't keep the sausage and cheese cart

off this spot much longer.

Yeah, we'll start right away.

We'll have to do it without him.

Hell no, I'm not being part of a four member boy band!

We'll look stupid. - Yeah!

Oh, Goddamn it!

Dad? - Huh, yeah?

Well, I just wanted to tell you

that I don't think you're a joke.

I mean, whatever you used to be,

you're just my dad

and you're the best dad I've ever had.

Come here, Stanley.

Stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you

from joining a boy band without explaining why.

I made some mistakes in my life,

and now I have to let you make your own mistakes.

Yeah.

You know, in a way, I think I was even jealous

of you being in a boy band.

Isn't that stupid? - Not really.

Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done.

Well, come on. I'll drive you down to the mall.

Really? - Yeah.

I want to see what you guys can do.

And then we'll go buy you a small toy,

so you can forget all about this.

Alright!

What's happening here?

I don't know. I guess nothing.

Hmm, well, let's walk away then.

Goddamn it! People are walking away!

Alright, kids, that does it.

You're gonna have to move and make way

for the sausage and cheese cart.

Just another minute.

Sorry, get out.

Well, God, I guess you got me again didn't you.

Yeah, that was a good one, God.

Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

What's that?

It's Stan!

Oh, thank you, God! Oh, praise his name!

Dude, where the hell have you been?

Sir, we're all here now. Can we go on, please?

Who?

Well, okay, I guess, but hurry up.

We will.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness

the next great boy band of the country.

Some day you will all be among those who can say,

"I saw Fingerbang when they first performed

at some crappy little mall."

And so without further ado

all five members of the--

oh, my God, they killed Kenny!

You bastards!

No, he can't be dead.

Dude, he's pretty dead.

No, we were so close!

Alright, that's it, kids. Get out!

But, we have to perform.

We don't have a fifth member, Cartman.

Oh, yes, we do.

Thank you all for your patience

and get ready for Fingerbang!

All:

Cha!

Yes, yes! Thank you, yes!

We made $2.

You were great, Dad.

Yeah, I guess I still got it in me a little.

Can I get your autograph?

Okay, okay.

Hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am.

I actually don't really know who they are.

I was just getting an autograph--

Ah!

Move along, ma'am.

That was pretty good, kids.

Maybe you can come perform at my Elk's Club sometime.

Okay, yeah, maybe.

God, now it's like everybody wants a piece of us.

Yeah.

I don't know if I can handle all this fame.

I mean, I always thought I'd want to be famous,

but now that I am, I don't know if I like it.

I mean, I probably can't even walk through this mall

right now without people going

"oh, my God, it's the Fingerbang guy!

Oh, my God!"

Yeah, that's gonna suck.

Yeah, I just want to be a normal kid again,

have a normal life, and appreciate what I have.

I think you boys are very smart for your age.

Come on, I'll buy you all an orange smoothie.

I don't think they sell those anymore.

Hey, Cartman, do you think God is going to be mad at you

for not making $10 million?

Oh, screw God. I'm not scared of him.

He's a pussy.

You know I'm just kidding, right?