Original subtitles

Okay Stan, I'm going to give you...

a "U.F.O. crash-landing" card,

you can deny it or cover it up.

Dude, I don't understand this game at all.

It's "Investigative Reports of Bill Curtis Fun Time Game",

you have to deny it or cover it up.

Uh, deny it.

Okay, let's see what Bill Curtis says.

Hello, I'm Bill Curtis.

Many believe that the U.S. government

covered it up, I'm Bill Curtis.

Alright, Cartman, I'm going to give you...

A "jail time card," you lose a turn.

Sweet.

Oh yeah, well, I'm going to give you...

AIDS.

What?

I just gave you AIDS. - AIDS?

Dude, that's not cool, don't give Kyle AIDS.

Kyle has AIDS and now loses 47 turns and 800 points.

Kenny, your dad and I

are thinking about having another baby.

Wouldn't you love to have another brother or sister?

No.

We just might work on it later tonight.

God damn it, poor people suck!

Your family is already on welfare

and now you're going to bring another kid into the world.

Poor people are turning out babies,

adding on to over-population

and expecting me to pay for it with my tax dollars.

You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman, you're eight.

You see, this is just what I've been talking about!

I can't even relate to you guys anymore

because you're too immature. - What?

I've got to start hanging out with friends

that are a little more intelligent and understand

politics and stuff.

It's just that I'm up on this level, up here

and all my friends are down here.

You don't know what you're talking about, fat-ass!

No, no, no, me, "nah", you guys, "nah".

Maybe more down, down "nah".

Screw you guys, I'm going home!

I'm Bill Curtis.

I've outgrown all my friends,

I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog.

Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog!

I can meet new friends on the internet.

Here's a chat room.

"men who like young boys", that's perfect!

Hi, everybody.

I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times.

I am eight years old and would like--

Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friends!

I'll pick tony316.

Hi, Tony.

Oh, you know the usual stuff.

Smiley face.

"Kewl, wanna get together? Smiley face."

Sure, Tony, that would be cool.

Winking smiley face.

Sounds good, see you then!

Clown hat, curly hair, smiley face.

You see that Clyde Frog!

Tomorrow I'm going to meet my first mature friend.

Hi, are you Tony?

Yeah, you're Eric? - Yeah!

I brought you some candy. - Wow, cool!

And some books on Kama Sutra.

Neato, having older friends kicks ass!

You see I've really been having a tough time,

I've kind of matured faster than my other friends,

we don't really relate anymore and--

uh, all my friends seem so childish now, you know.

Do you like having your back rubbed?

Yeah, that seems really nice, thanks.

Hold it right there, scum bag!

Huh?

We monitored your little online chat,

now you're coming with us. - No!

What the hell just happened?

You can't eat Kenny, we have to save food for the baby.

Your mom and I are going out for a few weeks, Kenny,

take care of the baby.

Kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers!

You have to share your room with the baby!

Both: The baby, the baby, the baby!

Huuuh!

Stop it.

Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again.

Oh, alright.

Dad, I want to play catch.

Huh?

Oh, I'll play catch with you later, son.

I want to play now!

Oh, go ahead, we can make love afterwards.

Oh, alright.

Alright, here comes a pop fly, see if you can catch it.

Good job, now throw me one.

Oh!

Blech!

What happened?

He smacked me in the balls.

Oh, oh! - Woo-hoo!

Blech!

Okay, we'll try this again.

This one looks good, "HungDaddy".

Hello, HungDaddy!

Damn dude, this guy is tiny, he must be a dwarf.

Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets.

Frowny face.

How about this one?

Mr. Hammer Head?

Hi, there.

Mr. Garrison! - Ahh, Eric!

You want to be my friend? - Oh, crap!

That's cool, we can hang out, what do you want to do first?

Nothing, nothing!

Alright, scum bag, we got you.

Hey, ah!

Good thing you guys came.

This little boy was trying to have his way with me.

Nice try, buddy, we monitored your little online chat,

now you're coming with us. - No!

Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends?

This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle.

God, I hate those guys!

See, I told you, dude!

Those are dialysis machines.

Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube

and it sucks all their body fluids out.

Oh, man, that's terrible!

I know, huh?

Put your mouth against the glass, like this.

Wah!

Yeah, haaa!

Bleh-leh-leh-leh!

Wha-la-la-la-la!

Alright, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing?

We're making faces at sick people.

No! I mean what the hell are you doing?

Why are all my mature adult friends

being mysteriously arrested, huh?

We don't know. - I'll tell you why!

Because you guys are jealous

and can't handle the fact that you're immature,

and so you started a government conspiracy against me!

We don't know what you're talking about, lard butt.

Lard butt, oh, that's so mature.

God, I guess I was wrong about you guys, huh?

You're not more mature than us, Cartman.

Yes, I am!

I'm telling you this is all a terrible mistake,

Officer Barbrady.

Well, the FBI said I have to hold you here,

so that's what I'm going to do, Mr. Complainy-pants.

Oh!

Do you like having your back rubbed?

Eat me, pervert.

Okay.

We demand you release these men at once.

Who are you?

We are NAMBLA,

the North American Man-Boy Love Association

and we heard about these political prisoners

you're keeping.

Political prisoners? No, these are child molesters.

Loving young boys has been around

since the time of the Romans, pal.

There's nothing wrong with it!

We are an organization dedicated to showing

that sex between a man and a young boy

can be a beautiful thing!

Yeah! - Yeah!

Uh, I don't know who you are,

but these men aren't going anywhere

until I hear from the FBI.

Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!

Hate mongerer, yeah.

Okay, people, I think you'd better move along

before I arrest more of you.

All these men wanted was to love a young boy,

there is nothing wrong with love.

I did not want love from a young boy,

I like men my own age.

Ah! I mean--

I like women, what did I say?

Oh, God, I love titties!

You haven't heard the last of us, officer.

Together we are strong. Come on, men!

Yeah! - Yeah!

Well, they got activists for everything these days.

I've done it, Kevin!

I've successfully gene-spliced this chipmunk

with a piece of provolone cheese.

Do you know what this means, Kevin?

No more will the world have to look in two different places

for squirrels and provolone cheese.

No more will mankind have to pick--

Who could that be?

Why, it's little Eric Cartman.

Doctor Mephesto, I need help.

Of course, come in.

See, unfortunately,

I have matured faster than all my friends.

I want to hang out with older friends,

but I can't find any.

So I was wondering if you can genetically engineer

some older friends for me.

Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that simple.

Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state

where I can just make people.

Damn it, but I want to hang out with older guys!

Oh, well, I happen to be a member of an organization

that can help you. It's called NAMBLA.

NAMBLA?

Yes, I've been a member for several years.

I'm sure they'll let you join, you look about right.

Okay, thanks, Doctor Mephesto! - Sure.

Fellow members of NAMBLA,

as you know, we continue to be discriminated against.

Recently the FBI has started to arrest men

who are doing nothing more than than trying to start

a sexual relationship with a young boy.

All: Oh!

And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals and womens

are protected under civil rights laws,

we want the same!

All: Yeah! - Yeah!

What we need is proof that young boys

want be members of NAMBLA.

That they want love from us.

We need a poster child.

To show the world that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing--

ooooh.

Can we help you?

Yes, I'd like to join your fine organization,

is that cool?

You do? - Sure.

Thank you! Thank you, Jesus!

Sweet.

Whah!

Bleh! - Bleh!

Le-le-le-le! Buh!

Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it.

I'm pregnant!

You're going to have a little brother or sister.

Yup, it's for sure.

And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too.

Don't be out too late, Kenny.

We need to start moving stuff out of your room.

Wow, your mom's pregnant, Kenny!

Yeah, now what are you going to do?

I don't know, but I have to think of something!

What are you talking about, fat-ass?

Oh, no big deal, I just found a group called NAMBLA

with adult members and they all think that I'm so mature

they want me to be their new poster child, is all.

It looks like I'm finally going to have mature friends

who I can relate to.

Can I help you, young lady?

Oh, you want "morning after" abortion pills.

Well, they're right over there. - Thanks!

I'm sorry, young lady,

but I can't sell that to you

without permission from your parents.

Well, alrighty then, cash or charge?

Cool.

Look, mom, I made you something to drink.

Oh, well, that's very sweet of you, Kenny,

you made my favorite drink for me.

Yeah.

But, unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant I can't drink.

What? - Well, I could still drink.

No, Daddy.

Oh, that hits the spot.

Makes me forget all about my shattered balls.

What, what's the matter?

Why don't you go make me another one of--

Oh!

What's the matter? - Uh-oh!

Oh God, I'm gonna crap my pants!

Oh, God!

Oh, my balls.

Blech!

Oh, God!

Just a few more pictures, Eric.

You make a perfect poster child.

Thanks, dude.

Hey, Eric, we have a surprise for you.

We want you to have a big dinner and dance

honoring you as our new poster child.

Really, awesome!

Yes, and we want you to, umm...

Invite all your young male friends.

Oh, yes. Aww!

Well, sure, I have some friends who want to be mature

excluding Stan and Kyle, of course.

Great, now you go and invite your little friends

and we'll get the hotel ready.

Kick-ass!.

Kenny, don't forget to clean out your room,

so we can paint it for the baby!

Hey, are you feeling down, you need some excitement!

And North Park Funland has just opened its newest ride,

the John Denver Experience!

You'll be "Rocky Mountain High" with this,

the most extreme, insane ride ever built!

Both: It was fun.

Note: People with heart conditions and expectant mothers

should not ride "The John Denver," open now, come on down!

Mom!

Are you sure you should be going on this thing?

Oh, it's alright.

You know, I think maybe Kenny's been a little worried

about the new baby,

we have to show him that he's still our little boy.

What'd he say?

Whoa!

Oh, God, my nose, I think I broke my nose.

Come on, Stuart, let's just get you to a bathroom.

Oh, I'm not going to make it, I'm going to be sick.

Oh, my stomach.

Oh, my nose.

Gross.

Oh, Stan and Kyle, just the guys I wanted to see,

my NAMBLA organization

is having a very important benefit in my honor.

They are?

We're going to have a big mature party at this hotel

and I can invite all my mature friends that I want.

And that means I'm going to invite everybody,

except for you guys!

We don't want to go to some stupid adult meeting anyway.

Well, that's nice, because you can't go.

We don't want to go.

You can't go.

We don't want to go.

No, you can't go.

Hey, Clyde, Butters, check this out!

Dude, maybe we do need to start being more mature.

Yeah, I guess we've got to try to get in that club, too.

You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick.

It's alright, Kenny.

Come see the miracle of life.

Ewww!

I can see his head. - You can?

Push now, push hard!

Oh, my God!

What is it?

It's alive!

Oh, my God! It killed Kenny!

Bad baby, bad!

Hmm?

That does it!

Oh, hi, Kenny, what are you doing?

What are you doing Kenny?

Kenny, what are you going to plunge?

Grrrrr!

Ahhhh!

Kenny, what the hell are you doing?

What the hell?

Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?

This is for mature people only.

We got invited too, fat-ass.

Well, I guess nowadays

they allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.

Fellow NAMBLA members,

it is great to see you all here.

It seems like we have finally found a city

that won't oppress us!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

First and foremost, I want to recognize Eric Cartman

for putting us in touch with all you pretty young boys.

Thank you, thank you very much, thank you.

Now, I know that many of us

have already found partners in this fine city

and I'd like to take a minute

to hear some testimonials from members.

This is boring. - Yeah.

Hey, when are we going to get to some action, huh?

Oooh! - Ha-ha!

Goodness, what a gift from God.

We'll get "to it" very soon, I'll assure you.

But first, I'd just like to hear

from a couple of you on your progress.

Yes, Patrick.

I found a little eight-year-old named Butters,

he's a beautiful bright little boy.

Well, I sure am, I guess.

And his skin is as soft as fresh linen.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

That seems kind of weird.

Well, my skin is "springtime" soft, I suppose.

Wonderful.

And how about you Mr. Harris?

Well, I want to announce

that I may have found the dream boy of the decade,

he's sexy and sassy and full of spunk.

His name is Timmy.

Timmy! Tim-my?

Well, members, I know we're all eager

to get acquainted with our new partners.

So why don't we turn down the lights and start the dance.

Alright, I want these perverted bastards

all taken in, got it? - All: Got it.

Fellow NAMBLA members,

as the South Park representative--

Hold it right there! - Nobody move!

What's going on?

Alright, sickos, where are the children?

What children? - This is NAMBLA, right?

Yes.

"The North American Man-Boy Love Association".

What? No!

We're "The North American Marlon Brando Look-a-likes."

Oh, crap, we've got the wrong NAMBLA.

Oh, damn it, I'm in the wrong place!

Don't tell me that other NAMBLA

is actually in South Park. - You know of them?

Know of them?

We've been fighting with them for years

over the rights to NAMBLA.com.

Yeah, those perverted bastards!

Wow, you guys really do look a lot like Marlon Brando.

Thank you.

Now, let's go get those other NAMBLA bastards

before they hurt any South Park children!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

And let's kick their asses for stealing our domain name!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Alright, members, that's enough of that.

It's time for for us all to retire to our respective rooms

and get to know our new young boys.

Alright!

Dude, being mature is boring. - Yeah!

Everyone come up and grab your room keys

and we'll head upstairs.

Dude, I think these guys mean to have

sexual encounters with us!

I know dude, let's get the hell out of here!

Ah! There's more of them, quick hide!

Alright, Marlon Brandos!

They've got to be here somewhere, let's try this room.

Let's get those perverts.

Ah! - Sacrebleu!

Whoa!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Kenny, no! Leave me alone!

Mmm-hmm-mmm.

Kenny!

This time I will not drop the food.

Where's the boys?

Sacrebleu!

I think the boys went in here.

Ah!

Maybe the boys are in here, oh, boys!

Ah!

Alright, you're under arrest!

No, you've got the wrong NAMBLA again.

Damn it!

Hey, we didn't try that room.

Sacrebleu.

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts.

They're all over the place.

Timmy!

What are we going to do?

Well, Cartman, you got everybody into this,

you have to figure out a way to get everybody out.

Yeah! - Uhh, that's fine.

I know how to get us out.

How?

Well, look, those perverts aren't going to rest

until they've made love to one of us, right?

So somebody is just going to have to go out there

and take one for the team.

And I think in all fairness, it should be Butters.

Huh, well, why me?

Now, are you a team player or not?

Well, sure, I'm a team player, I guess.

Well, Butters, there is no "I" in team.

You mean you expect me to go out there

and let all those horny old men

have their way with my fragile person?

Just what team is this anyway?

Just go Butters, we're running out of time.

Oh, alright then.

He's such a dumb ass.

Alright men, here I come.

I'm ready to take one for the team.

Kenny, Kenny, I've had enough of your shenanigans!

Ooh, one of the boys just came in!

I get him first! - What the--?

Oh, no! Ahhhhh!

Are you alright, Stuart?

Don't touch me.

I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned,

and been made love to in the ass

by three dozen 40-year-old men.

I just want to go home and take a hot bath.

We've been after you for a long time, buddy.

Do you know your rights?

Rights? Does anybody know their rights?

You see, I've learned something today,

our forefathers came to this country

because they believed in an idea.

An idea called freedom.

They wanted to live in a place where a group

couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs.

Where a person can live the way he chooses to live.

You see us as being perverted

because we're different from you.

People are afraid of us because they don't understand.

And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.

Dude, you have sex with children.

We are human.

Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys,

we were born that way.

We can't help the way we are,

and if you all can't understand that, well,

then I guess you'll just have to put us away.

Dude, you have sex with children.

Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody

and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude,

fuck you. - Seriously.

Alright, that's enough,

you're all going to be put away for a long time.

Well, Cartman. - Well, what?

Don't you think you owe everyone an apology

for bringing NAMBLA here? - All: Yeah!

Alright, alright.

I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped, there.

And now do you still think you need to hang out

with older mature friends?

No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity some day,

just don't take too long.

Okay, let's roll.

Coo-coochie-coo coo-coochie-coo.

Our little angel, yes.

Oh, he's so beautiful!

I know it's been hard on both of us,

losing poor Kenny.

But this knew baby kind of reminds me of him.

What should we name him?

Well, seeing as though Kenny passed away,

maybe we should name him...

Kenny.

Yes, Kenny is such a great name.

My little Kenny, a brand-new Kenny.

God, this must have been the 50th time this has happened.

52nd.