Original subtitles

Okay, is everyone ready to go?

Oh, I'm so excited.

I've always wanted to see "Cirque du Cheville".

Me too, we were lucky to get tickets.

Come on boys, we're gonna be late!

Oh, don't they look precious!

Why do we have to dress up?

Isn't this just a circus with elephants and lions and stupid clowns?

No Stanley, Cirque du Cheville is French-Canadian.

They get acrobats and singers from all over the world

and do very artistic things.

Ahh...!

Why the hell do you wanna take these boys

to see that "fufu" French theater crap?!

You're gonna turn them into "poofters."

Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts.

Well, he, doesn't need to see a bunch of frogs

prance around in tights and makeup

wrapping their peckers around each other's faces!

Come on everybody, let's go.

Close your eyes and cover your ears, Billy!

Remember, you're a man!

Oh, this is so exciting.

Oh, look at the funny clown, Stanley.

Where?

Oh, no.

Ah, very funny, thank you, goodbye.

No thank you.

Go away, please.

He doesn't want your dumb-ass umbrella, clown, beat it!

Ow!

You didn't know that was gonna happen, did you, Stanley?

Oh God, that was so funny.

Oh man, somebody stop my guts from bursting out of my sides.

Ladies and gentlemen, please no smoking

and no flash photography during Cirque du Cheville.

Cirque du Che-blehh.

Ooh-ho, we've reached fagtrack and Bob, Captain.

Eric, shh!

How long does this thing last?

Two hours.

Awww! Awww!

Ooh, these are the contorting quintuplets from Romania.

Woo hoo!

What, what-another gay guy in feathers?

Wow!

Damn, dude!

Oh, yay!

Oh, that was wonderful.

Yes, too bad that was their last show or I'd go see it again.

Those contorting Romanian chicks ruled.

Yeah, especially that second one from the left,

she was fine.

Cartman, what the hell you're talking about?

They're identical!

Not that second one from the left, she had it going on!

Don't forget to buy your souvenirs, folks.

Damn, dude, you see how much money this place is raking in?

Yeah, I could prance around in tights and sing opera too

for that kind of cash.

Hey, we should start our own Cirque du Cheville.

Yeah, this one's moving out of town, so we could take over.

Let's go practice.

Hurry up, girls.

We must bundle up against the cold.

Did we do good final show, Grandmama?

Very good, my girls.

I only wish it weren't your last show.

I love this country so very much.

Mrs. Vladchik, it is time.

It is time to return to Romania.

Yes, yes, of course.

Just give me one second to finish getting them ready.

This way, girls, quickly.

Why are we going out the window, Grandmama?

Your mother did not want you to grow up in Romania.

This is our only chance.

Mrs. Vladchik?

They're trying to defect!

We need a boat.

Where to, mack?

Follow that boat.

Ow!

Heh-heh, heh-he...

Ahhh!

Dude, this isn't working.

It's Kenny's singing.

Huh?

Yeah, Kenny, you have to sing better.

I'm singing as good as I can!

Well, it's not good enough, Kenny.

You have to get better, try again!

Aha, I knew it.

They turned you into poofters.

There's nowhere to go, Mrs. Vladchik, pull over!

Okay, girls,

Did we do good, Grandmama?

Very good, Gracas.

I'm tired, Grandpa.

No, Billy, you're gonna stay here and watch more "Macgyver."

We're gotta get all the Frenchy-fu fag nasties outta ya.

Who the hell would be ringing the doorbell

this time of night?

I don't know...

Whoa!

We are very sorry to disturb you.

My granddaughters are cold and tired.

Is there any possibility we could pay you for a place to sleep?

You're from Cirque du Cheville.

Yes, we... missed our train.

If we could shelter here, it would only be for one night.

Well...

Well, of course you can, come in out of the snow.

Oh, thank you so much!

There's some spare bedrooms upstairs, Mrs...

Vladchik.

That grandma's not a bad piece of ass.

Eww, Dad, not in front of Stanley.

Well, it's good for him.

Hello and welcome to "Singing Like Bocelli For Dummies".

Lesson one:

Lesson two:

Good.

And now we'll do the entire piece Conte Partiro.

Conte Partiro?

Got everything you need there, do you?

Yes, you've all been so kind to my little granddaughters.

They're quite agile little things, aren't they?

Yes, as I was back in my day.

I was a contortionist too.

You don't say?

Yes.

You... remember any of that stuff, do ya?

Oh... man.

Ohhh...

And now lesson four, the complete works of Mozart.

Let's begin.

Gah!

What should we do, Randy?

I like these Romanians, fine,

but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer.

Yeah, it's 11:00 and she's still sleeping.

Poor, dear, must be tired.

You're damn right she's tired.

Huh?

Oh nothin', she's just gonna have a little trouble

walkin' today is all.

Hurry up, you guys.

What's going on?

Dude, you're not gonna believe this.

What?

Hello. - Hello.

Hi. - Hello.

No way, the bitches from Cirque du Che-blah!

Yeah, they're quintuplets from Romania.

What's a quintuplet?

We are twins, except there are five of us instead of two.

But, there's only four of you.

No no, Natalia is just playing mirror buddies with Nadia.

Hello!

So, if you're identical, does that mean you all think alike?

No, don't be ridiculous!

Will you guys be in our Cirque du Cheville?

You have your own?

Kenny has to get better at singing first.

Hey!

But, as soon as he starts singing better,

we're all gonna make bank!

Okay. - Sounds good.

Count me in. - Okay.

Oh, and me.

Alright!

Alright, we've gotta figure out what to do.

I'm gonna go wake her up.

Hello, Mrs... Mrs. Old Romanian Woman...

Ma'am?

A little tuckered, is she?

No, Dad.

A little cottony in the crotch?

No Dad, she's dead!

What?

Oh, dear Jesus!

It looks like she had a heart attack.

No wonder she didn't say goodnight.

Eww!

Okay, hold it, hold it.

Ow!

I don't know how to tell them, you tell them.

Uh, girls, we have some bad news.

What?

Umm... Everyone who has a grandma, step forward.

Uh, not so fast girls.

Randy!

Grandmama is dead?

What are we going to do now?

Hey guys, come here.

This is totally awesome.

What?

How can you say that?

Because now we can convince them to stay here

and now our circus will kick ass.

Oh yeah!

Mom, Dad, can the quints stay with us, please, can they?

Well, Stanley, it's not really--

They have nowhere else to go, please!

Well, for the time being, I, I mean...

Of course they can stay.

Hooray!

Tom, I'm standing at the home in South Park

where five precious little girls have been rescued from Romania.

Their mother passed away some months ago

and then their grandmother died trying to bring them here.

But all is well now and people are coming

from all over the country to view the little tykes.

If you'd like to come down and see the quintuplets

admission is only five dollars.

And for a few dollars more, you can feed them fish sticks.

Mmm!

Tom, it looks like these cute little girls

have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania.

Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets no longer

have to live in Romania, the asshole of the world.

Back to you, Tom.

This is not good.

It makes our country look poor and stupid.

This could kill our tourism.

You know what to do.

Alright, Kenny, let's start with some warm-up exercises.

Well, what do you think?

Can you help him become a better singer?

Well, he's got potential.

Depends on how good he wants to be.

Very, very good!

Well, if you want to be a real singer

you need to go to a conservatory in Europe,

there's just no other alternative.

Europe?

We can't afford that.

Well, then I'm afraid your son will always be a hack.

Nnn...

Well, Kenny, if it means that much to you,

maybe we can bus it to Europe and you can sing on the way to make money.

Yeah!

Randy, Randy, you better have a look at this.

What?

...Until the U.S. government received this video

which was sent from Romania just hours ago.

Hello, this is Romanian father.

I am desperate to have my girls returned to me in Romania.

Uh-oh.

That's your dad?

Maybe.

We haven't seen papa for more than five years.

How I miss them all--

little Nada--

Nadia!

Nadia, my sweet Barsca.

Bartonia!

Bartonia-anyway, my heart is aching for their return.

I know the American government will do us right, thank you.

Oh no, dude, if he they get sent back to Romania,

we'll never get our Cirque du Cheville going!

Mom, Dad, you're not gonna send them back, are you?

Well, I think we... have to.

Don't we?

I don't know.

You don't wanna go back to stinky Romania, do you?

It sucks there!

Yeah, America is so much cooler.

In Romania they just oppress you and try to bring you down.

We'll have to call the police and see what they want us to do.

Damn, we might be screwed.

No, we've just gotta convince these chicks that America kicks the ass

out of every other country.

Come on!

you see in America, we have log rides...

Bacon double cheeseburgers!

Sheep shearing contests.

Yeah, woo hoo!

And shopping malls!

Yay!

Woo hoo!

Mrs. Janet Reno,

you must understand the father has right to his children.

Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay here.

Why don't you all stay here in America

and this whole thing can go away?

Okay.

Our home is Romania.

We love it there!

Ah, yes, we love it there.

If daughters will not return on their own

you must force them to return.

Gentlemen, this has to be handled very delicately.

You don't understand Americans' power to protest.

Protest?

Look, people have it so good in America

that they get bored very easily.

And when people get bored they start protesting things.

Ohh!

But I want to assure you and the Romanian people

that we're going to do everything in our power

to make this all as confusing as possible.

Let the quints stay!

Romania is gay!

Let the quints stay!

Romania is gay!

Fur is murder, fur is murder!

Oh, what are we protesting here?

Romania sucks.

Oh, let's see...

Here we go.

Romania sucks, Romania sucks...!

Oh my god...

I didn't know this was going to become such a big deal.

That'll teach us for taking an old lady and her granddaughters

out of the cold.

Attention people inside the house:

you must return the quintuplets to their father.

You have until...

Oh yeah, that's good.

You have until Easter Sunday to comply.

Boo.

boo!

What?

Get em!

Okay, let's try it again.

Hup!

Alright!

Stan, we--

Stanley, we have some bad news.

The courts have decided the girls must go back to Romania.

No, they can't!

We've convinced them that they want to stay in America.

Yeah, we showed them amusement parks and malls.

How can you expect them to go back now?

I'm sorry, boys,

but Janet Reno is having them taken away on Easter Sunday.

We don't have a choice.

Sorry, girls.

Now what do we do?

Tom, it is now Easter morning

and as the U.S. government promised,

they are here to take the girls back to their father in Romania.

Rumor has it that Janet Reno herself will be extraditing the quintuplets.

Alright, Miss Reno, let's go over the plan.

Right!

We'll drop you in the northwest corner of the backyard.

You hop into the back of the house and find the quintuplets.

When you see them, you say:

hello, girls, I'm the Easter Bunny.

Good, and then hand them the Easter eggs filled with tear gas.

Are you ready? - Ready.

Go blue! - Go blue!

Yes, we would like very much to have you here at the Romanian Music School.

Woo hoo!

How much is all this gonna cost?

Don't worry, Miss McCormack, Romania is very poor country.

Apartments are cheap, food is cheap.

Everything is cheap because we are so goddamn poor.

Yes, your 200 American dollars will last months here.

Wow, what a great country.

Everybody's poor like us.

Yeah!

Hello, girls, I'm the Easter Bunny.

Happy Easter, kids.

Come see what I brought for ya.

Hey, Terence, I think I have to fart.

Wait, before you do...

Oh, look, an Easter egg!

Oh, sh--

That's it, let's move move move!

Give us the kid now!

Now!

Down on the floor, down on the goddamn floor!

Find them!

This is a bust, hand over the quints!

Hand over the children-- Happy Easter--

hand over the children!

What the hell's goin' on?

Freeze, asshole.

Oh, go ahead and shoot me, I dare ya!

Don't push me, man.

Pull the trigger, you little pussy.

Dahhh!

Gun, gun!

Down, down!

Riot, riot!

Pepper spray, pepper spray!

Dammit, now I'm never gonna have my own circus.

Oh, your son is so talented Miss McCormack.

The people of Romania love him.

Good job, Kenny.

Miss McCormack, we would love for you and your son

to stay here in Romania... with us.

Will you consider it?

What do you think, Kenny?

You'd have to leave your friends and family behind.

Sure!

Alright!

Oh, Randy, it's gone.

It's all gone.

Dude, what the hell happened?

Government came and got the quintuplets.

No more Cirque du Cheville for us.

Dammit, how come every time we get a sweet idea

the government has to screw it up?

Yeah, well not this time.

Huh?

We just gotta get that angry mob back on our side.

Alright, everybody, listen up!

Those bastards broke in here and took those poor quintuplets

to the mayor's office downtown.

But they haven't won yet.

I say we all go over to the mayor's office

and demand to see the quintuplets right now!

Hmm... Yeah...

I don't know, I usually like to stop protesting by 5:30.

Yeah, do we get overtime for this?

Uh sure, you all get overtime.

Alright! - Yeah!

Down with japan! - Get 'em!

Alright, we just need to get a few more pictures of the girls reunited with their father

so that everyone knows they're happy.

Come on girls, smile.

We want you to look happy, smile.

Look at the silly frog.

Who's got the silly frog, look at him, I've got--

look at him, it's so silly, I'm so silly.

Ah, hello, this is Kenny's dad back in America.

I miss my son very much.

I would like to see him returned to me

so that the U.S. government will buy me a new car and--

ow!

I mean, because I miss my son very much.

Man.

Hey, we wanna see the quintuplets.

You can't see them, boys.

They're happily reunited with their father.

Come on, angry mob.

Ahhh!

Alright, it is time for us to return to Romania.

What is that?

It's the protestors, they're back.

Goddammit.

We'll take care of them, come on!

Let's move, move!

C'mon, c'mon!

This is government property.

You ruined my house!

What are you doing, Nadia?

I'm calling the only person in the world who can help us.

Take that.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

All of you are acting like idiots.

Yeah!

None of you care about us.

You only care about yourselves.

Look at you, Father.

You walked out on us five years ago

and now you act like you miss us so much.

You are a liar and a fake.

Yeah, you suck, dude.

And you Romanian leaders-- you don't care about us!

All you care about is making America look stupid.

Yeah, you guys are dicks.

And you protestors-- don't you have anything better to do?

Get a life!

Yeah!

And you boys are the worst of all.

- Huh? - Huh?

You know nothing about Romania

and yet you assume America is so much better.

Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, but it is our home.

We are Romanian.

All you care about is your own stupid circus.

Where you going, girls?

The only place we can go.

We are going on Oprah and then a book tour.

Yes, you can all kiss our little white Romanian asses.

Oh well, doing our own circus was a dumb idea anyways.

Yeah, screw them!

Kenny was never gonna get his singing right anyway.

Whatever happened to Kenny?

Let Kenny stay, let Kenny stay...!

Alright people, the father wants his son returned to him.

Hand him over to us.

Boo!

Shut up, Romanians.

Alright, let's go.

Move move move!

Hand over the boy, now!

Okay, okay.

I mean it, lady, you've got about--

whoops.