Original subtitles

Okay, are you guys ready up there?

Ready!

On your marks, get set, go!

We win again! - That's not fair!

Cartman's ass is so fat, he makes your sled go faster.

Hey, don't call me fat, Token.

We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates.

Sleds are for guys.

Yeah, why don't you chicks

go wash some dishes or get pregnant or something?

These are the school's sleds, ass farmers, not yours.

Look, girls don't even know how to sled.

- Do something else. - Yeah!

I bet we can slide ten times better than you,

donut punchers.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah!

We'd kick your girlie asses sledding!

How about a race down a real hill then?

Yeah!

- You got it! - Yeah!

Your best four sledders against our best four sledders.

No problem.

Then we'll see you this Saturday

on Phil Collins Hill.

Phil Collins Hill on Saturday.

You got it! See you there.

And may the best woman win, turd burglars!

Oh, boy! We'll show them!

Yeah, why, those men will show those skanky hoes who's who!

Yeah, those girls don't realize what good sledders

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are.

Yeah, and with Cartman's enormously fat ass,

the boys are sure to win!

Token, I swear to God, you call me fat one more time,

I'm gonna smack you in the head with this rock.

Fat ass. - Ow!

Heh. Oh. Uh-oh.

And what you need to understand

is that this is not appropriate behavior, young man, mm-kay?

Eric, don't you realize you could have

seriously injured your little friend?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Don't apologize to us. Apologize to him.

I'm sorry, Token.

Well, I hope you learned

that throwing rocks at people is bad, Eric.

I sure did, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I feel really bad.

What was I thinking?

The only thing I can do now is try to go on

and live day by day.

See you later!

Not this time, Eric.

You've got to learn to respect your little friends.

You're gonna have detention for two weeks.

No way! - Yes way, mm-kay?

And that settles it! Now, let's all go--

Counselor Mackey? - Yes?

I'm Agent Sharp, and this is Agent Keen.

We're with the FBI.

We're here to investigate the rock-throwing incident.

Well, okay, I've already taken care of it.

Eric Cartman, here, is gonna be punished

with two weeks of detention.

I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that,

Mr. School Counselor.

You see, since the victim in this case

Is African-American, this is considered a hate crime.

What the hell is a hate crime?

Uh, oh. But I don't think this is--

New laws have been passed that make any crime

based on race, ethnicity,

or sexual orientation a federal offense.

What? A federal offense?

Oh, no. - Oh, no?

We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must follow protocol.

Your son will be taken into custody

and then tried in the federal court of law.

Oh, my goodness!

The hate crime trial of the century is under way,

and Court TV takes you there. Live!

Here's your host, Leslie Smith.

What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old boy

into a vicious, hate-crime-committing racist?

We take you live to the courtroom

as the defendant takes the stand.

Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the name of Token?

Uh, yes. - Who is Token?

He's a black kid that goes to my school.

Black! Did you say "black"? You called him "black"?

He is black. - Oh, he said it again!

He is African-American,

and so you decided to pick him out.

I did?

The rage built and built inside your head

until it became too much,

because you hate African-Americans!

No! I hate hippies! - What?

I hate hippies and the way they always talk

about protecting the Earth and then drive around in cars

that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets!

I hate them! I want to kick them in the nuts!

Ooh, poopy-kins--

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

this is why we have hate crime laws.

This monster committed a crime,

not against an individual but against a race.

Do the democratic thing

and send his fat little butt to prison.

Hey! Don't call me fat, asshole!

The prosecution rests.

Don't forget; we still have that sledding race

this Saturday, pillow biters.

- We know. - Dude, this is horrible.

We got to get Cartman out of court

so we can go practice.

Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty

of committing a hate crime.

For this, I hereby sentence you

to the Alamosa Juvenile Hall until you turn 21.

No!

I am making an example of you

to send a message out to people everywhere

that if you want to hurt another human being,

you better make damn sure

they're the same color as you are.

Court is adjourned.

Yahoo! Hooray!

Bailiffs, escort this little bastard to juvenile hall.

Yes, sir.

Alright, you! Uh, where'd he go?

Kenny! Kenny!

You have to get me out of town!

They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime.

You have to take me to Mexico! - Mexico?

Ooh!

Calm down, Kenny! - Hey!

Do you still have that battery-powered toy truck

you got last Christmas?

Yeah. - Well, come on.

I don't have much time!

A car chase is evolving

on the 285 Corridor east of South Park.

Hate crime suspect Eric Cartman

is trying to outrun federal prosecutors

in his friend's Go-Go Action Bronco.

Our eye in the sky, Greg Nimens, is there live.

Greg?

Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco

is heading east on 285.

Police officers are right behind him,

but as with any chase,

they're keeping a safe distance

to avoid any accidents here out on the highway.

Tom, it looks like the fugitive is going to make a bold move

off an exit of 285.

He's going into a residential neighborhood now.

This is where it could get dangerous

as there are pedestrians about.

Damn it, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?

I'm going as fast as I can.

Tom, the police have set a roadblock

right where the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading.

This could be the final standoff.

Alright, that's far enough.

Stop the Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with your hands up.

Just bring it to a stop and come on out.

Jesus! He's gonna ram it!

Crazy son of a bitch.

Well, it's been over 13 hours now,

and still the car chase has not ended.

What the hell are they doing?

The chase has now moved through most of Arizona

and nears the Mexican border.

Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico,

how are we ever gonna win the sledding race on Saturday?

Don't worry, dude; that little truck

just runs on "D" batteries.

It's gonna run out of juice soon.

We're gonna make it, Kenny!

We're gonna make it to Mexico!

Oh, God damn it!

Hello?

Cartman's going to jail,

and you've got four days until the race, rump rangers.

Son of a bitch!

Here we are. The end of the road.

Prisoner 24601, arriving.

Forward, prisoner.

You will wake up each morning at 0500.

Lockdown is until 0900.

At 10:00, we begin random searches

and checks for contraband.

At 11:30, we have nap time, followed by finger painting.

Your cellmate is Romper Stomper.

- Romper Stomper? - Not Romper.

Who's Romper Stomper?

I am.

And I don't want no new cellmate.

You don't have a choice, Stomper.

Now, show this new prisoner the ropes.

Oh, I will. You bet your ass I will.

Alright, guys, it looks like

Cartman's not gonna be able to sled with us

for about another...13 years, so in the meantime,

we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday.

Yeah, Cartman's weight was what gave us speed,

so we need to find the next fattest kid besides Cartman.

Come on, who's the second fattest kid in South Park?

I think Clyde is the next fattest kid.

Huh? - Yeah.

Okay, get over here, Clyde.

I'm not fat. - Deal with it, dude.

Cartman's gone, so now you're the fat kid.

Yeah, fat-ass. Get your fat butt on the sled.

Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just kind of big-boned.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

Okay, ready? Go!

Aw, gay, dude!

We don't even have enough weight to move.

See you Saturday, poo stabbers.

Nice going, fat boy.

Well, well, well. New fish.

How about you come up with a reason

why we don't break your arms?

Yeah!

Uh, 'cause I'm just like you guys.

I'm one of you.

Oh, yeah?

The way I see it,

There's two kinds of kids in the world:

kids who like Animaniacs

and kids who don't like Animaniacs.

You're either with us, or you're against us.

So which are you?

Oh, uh, well, personally, I--

Uh...I...

Don't like Animaniacs?

Neither do we. - Oh, thank you, Jesus.

So we're friends now? - No.

There's no friends in the big house.

You come in with nobody, and you leave with nobody.

- We don't believe in "friends." - Yeah!

Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.

Now, go find me some cigarettes,

and I'll tell you how to bust out of here.

Okay, we figured it out.

To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks.

But we're gonna cover them with kids' clothes

so that the girls think it's another kid.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

So I don't get to be on the team now?

Shut up, fat-ass.

Yeah, why don't you go eat some more pork rinds

or something, you fat fuck?

Come on. Let's give it a try.

Whee!

Whoa! Look out! Look out!

Dude, bail! Bail! - Whoa!

Huh?

Oh, my God. We killed Kenny.

We killed Kenny?

We killed Kenny. We're bastards.

Well, that didn't work. What else can we try?

Nothing else is gonna work.

We have to face the fact that without Cartman,

we're gonna lose to a bunch of girls.

Well, I sure do hate to see my gender lose

to a bunch of women.

This is a sad day for men everywhere.

You know something, guys?

I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.

Yup.

If only we had realized

how special our time with his gigantic ass was.

And all that time, we didn't understand

what a unique and magical ass it was.

Whoo-hoo! Great time, girls!

Oh, gee, looks like you lost another sledder.

Good luck on Saturday, donut punchers!

That does it! We've got no other choice.

We've got to bust Cartman out of jail.

- Huh? - How?

I saw a movie once where they baked a cake

and put a nail file inside of it.

Sweet! Let's go!

And have you been brushing your teeth?

Yes, Mommy. - And not dropping your soap?

Yes, Mommy. - Hi, Mom.

Young man, that is the fourth time

you've been late for our visiting time.

You are grounded.

Grounded? Oh, no!

Uh, wait--

Here you go, boys. Keep it short.

Hey, guys. - Hey, fat-ass, how's prison?

Well, it sucks balls. What do you you think?

Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate crime?

We're gonna lose to girls because of you.

Yeah, so you got to bust out of here.

So we made you this cake.

There's a ail-nay ile-fay inside of it.

A what? - An ail-nay ile-fay.

What's that? Listen, aggot-fay!

An ail-nay ile-fay so you can eak-bray out of ison-pray!

Yeah, you stupid umb-ass-day!

I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us

take anything back to the cells from here.

They on't-day?

Why the ell-hay ot-nay?

It ook-tay our-fay ours-hay

to ake-bay this oddamn-gay ake-cay,

and ow-nay, e're-way otally-tay ewed-scray!

Yeah.

Look, that's not important right now.

Did you guys bring the cigarettes?

Well, we got some cigarettes,

but we don't think you should be smoking.

Each year, over a million people die of--

Just hand over the goddamn cigarettes!

Shh! - Look, if you guys want me back

to win the sledding race, then I need those cigarettes.

How are we supposed to give them to you?

Just pass them through these little drill holes here.

That's what everybody does.

But they're gonna search you on your way back to your cell.

I know; that's why I have to hide them up my ass.

Shut up, you guys! It's not funny!

Alright. Here.

Okay, there's--

Wow, I really wish I hadn't sat here and watched that.

Me too.

Okay, guys, if you'll excuse me,

I must be going now.

Don't fart on your way out.

You might make little smoke signals.

Ha-ha. Very funny, you guys.

Ha-ha.

That sucks we couldn't give him the nail file.

So now what do we do?

There's only one thing we can do.

We have to go see Token

and see if he'll forgive Cartman for hate-criming him.

Come on. We're running out of time.

Well, did you get the cigarettes?

Yes, they are safely concealed in the depths of my ass.

Alright, go sit on the toilet and poop them out.

I'll keep an eye out for the guards.

Come on, you stupid cigarettes!

Plop! There's one...

Plop! Two...

Come on! Come on, now!

Come on!

Plop!

Whew!

Ahh.

Oh, god damn it!

You flushed them?

Well, you spend eight years taking a crap

and then flushing the toilet, it sort of becomes a reflex.

Please, just help me bust out of here.

No way, douche. I told you, I ain't your friend.

If you want me to help you,

you're gonna have to sneak something else in for me.

Son of a bitch!

Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far away.

Yeah, you know, they bus in people from different races

to our school to promote cultural diversity.

Yeah, but isn't Token the only one?

Yeah.

Hello.

Hi. Can Token come out and play?

Well, his head's still a little sore.

But you can come in if you like. - Killer.

Token, you don't want to see

us guys lose to girls tomorrow, do you?

No.

Well, then you've got to call the jail right now

and tell them that you forgive Cartman for being a dumb-ass.

I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys.

It's not? - No.

You see, the only person

that can let Eric out of juvenile hall

is the governor.

Damn it! Son of a bitch, damn it!

Oh. Sorry. - No, I actually agree with you.

Huh? - Yeah.

I have a real problem with hate crime legislation.

In fact, I'd love to see you kids go down

and give the governor a piece of my mind.

Well, why don't you tell the governor yourself?

Oh, he wouldn't listen to me. - Why not?

- Because I'm black. - Oh.

Sit down, boys.

I'm gonna give you a little lesson

about hate crime laws.

splash!

Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus!

Here you go, god damn it!

Cool! My very own tic tac throw game!

Oh, it smells, man!

Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?

Now I got your stupid game.

Tell me how to break out of here.

You're not gonna break out of here.

You're here till you're 21, douche.

But you said--

I just wanted you to sneak stuff in for me.

What, you actually think I give a crap about you?

I thought that--

Man, you better wise up

to the way things work in the big house.

Hey, guys! I gots me a new tic tac throw!

Yeah, it's a little ripe, but it's brand-new, man.

We can play it at recess.

Hey, what are you doing?

You--you can't cry in prison, man.

They'll bust your head open. What's the matter with you?

I want my mom!

Dude.

Mommy! I want my mommy!

Look, if it's that important to you,

I'll bust you out of here.

You will?

Yeah. Yeah, I will.

But not because you're my friend.

Only because-- because I want to bust out too

and see Disneyland.

Governor,

the "Free Eric Cartman Now" Committee

is here to see you.

Oh, not another committee. Send them in.

This is the "Free Eric Cartman Now" Committee?

Yeah.

Well, boys, what can I do for you?

Okay, go ahead and start.

I don't start. You start.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Mr. Governor,

and thank you for taking the time

to hear our presentation on hate crime laws entitled

A Savage Hypocrisy."

Yes, over the past few years,

our great country has been developing

new hate crime laws.

If somebody kills somebody, it's a crime.

But if someone kills somebody of a different color,

it's a hate crime.

And we think that that is a savage hypocrisy,

because all crimes are hate crimes.

If a man beats another man

because that man was sleeping with his wife,

is that not a hate crime?

If a person vandalizes a government building,

is it not because of his hate for the government?

The motivation for a crime shouldn't affect the sentencing.

Mayor, it is time to stop splitting people into groups.

All hate crime laws do is support the ideas

that blacks are different from whites,

that homosexuals need to be

treated differently from non-homos,

that we aren't the same.

But instead, we should all be treated the same

with the same laws

and the same punishments for the same crimes,

for in that way, Cartman can be freed from prison

and we will have a chance to win the sledding race on Thursday.

That is our presentation, an idea that we call...

a Savage Hypocrisy."

Hmm.

That made the most sense of any presentation I've heard

in the last three years.

Hurry up!

They're sending the dogs after us!

Ow! - What's the matter?

It's my leg. I think it's broke.

You go on ahead without me.

Okay. - Hey!

You're supposed to say,

"I'm not going without you," or something.

Oh. Really?

Look, kid. You go on.

You've got something to live for out there.

You've got friends. - Yeah.

I never really realized that until just now.

I sure would have liked to have seen Disneyland.

Here, I want you to have these.

Okay. - No!

You're supposed to say,

"I can't take these," or something, dumb-ass!

Oh. I can't take these.

Take them. They'll bring you luck.

Now, go on. Get out of here.

Romper? - Yeah?

You--well, I know you don't think

you've ever been anybody's friend,

but, well, you're a friend to me.

Alright, freeze!

You'll never take us alive! We're going down together, pigs!

But you've been pardoned by the governor.

Oh, sweet! Later, dudes.

Well, come on! Are we racing or not?

Just wait. We got Cartman pardoned.

He'll be here any second.

He's got to show up. He's just got to!

Come on, my feet are getting cold, fudge packers!

Yeah, if you're too scared to race, just say so.

Dude, I guess we just got to try it without him.

Alright, where's Clyde? - Right here.

Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!

For the last time, I'm not fat,

so stop calling me fat, god damn it!

On the sled, fat-ass.

Okay, girls, time to show the boys what we can do.

Yeah!

Okay. Ready, set--

You guys!

- It's Cartman! - Hooray!

That's right, I'm back.

Oh, thank you. Thank you for coming back.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

What the hell is wrong with Clyde?

This is your last chance. Are we racing or not?

Alright! Let's do this!

Okay, everybody ready? On your marks...

I hope I can adapt to life outside of the big house.

Get set, go!

I've been on the inside for so long.

I don't remember how to live on the outside.

Go, fat-ass!

When a man is stripped of his freedom,

degraded in the ways that I was, it's--

Go, fat-ass!

Come on! We got to catch up to them!

We got them, girls!

Oh, no! The girls are gonna win!

You can do it! - Come on!

We're not gonna make it!

Aha!

Hooray!

We did it!

We won! We won! - Yeah!

Why, we sure gave those skanky bitches what for!

Yeah!

It's good to have you back, Cartman.

Yeah, we're never gonna take your ass for granted ever again.

Yeah, and I'm never gonna

take my friends for granted ever again.

Let's all hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!

Ooh!

Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?

- Nah. - Sweet.

Hey, Romper Stomper! Get up!

You got a visitor.

Eric! - Hey Romper Stomper!

Wow! I've never had a visitor before.

Well, that's not all.

I snuck something in for you too.

You did?

You know how you told me

you always wanted to see Disneyland?

Yeah.

There's Pirates of the Caribbean.

Whoa!

Here comes Space Mountain!

Oh, yeah!

it's a Small World!

Splash Mountain comes next!

oh, the Monorail!