Original subtitles

"LAST MAN STANDING"

IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

JUST GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND, HONEY.

DO YOU HAVE TO PACK ALL YOUR ANVILS?

MAN! A SUITE AT THE FOUR SEASONS?

THIS IS SOME ANNIVERSARY PRESENT ED GOT YOU GUYS.

HE KNOWS WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW THE BEST THING ABOUT GOING TO VAIL DURING SKI SEASON?

NO CROWDS.

MANDY. YES.

HONEY, THERE IS A PAN OF ZITI IN THE FRIDGE

FOR DINNER WHEN EVE GETS HOME --

350 FOR AN HOUR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE US FOOD. I KNOW HOW TO COOK.

WHAT DOES "350" MEAN?

THAT'S WHAT ZITI GETS PAID PER HOUR, SO EAT FAST.

WE GOT TO HUSTLE. THEY SAY THE ROADS ARE GETTING BAD.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

AND PLEASE JUST REMEMBER TO WALK MUFFIN

SO HE CAN DO HIS BUSINESS.

I THOUGHT WE GOT HIM FIXED.

THAT'S NOT THE PART WE HAD FIXED.

OH, MOM, THE WEBSITE SAYS THAT THERE'S AN INDOOR POOL.

IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN BORROW THE BATHING SUIT

I GOT FOR SPRING BREAK --

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE ROOM FOR IT IN YOUR SUITCASE.

[ Chuckling ] OH, YEAH, I HAVE SEEN THAT BATHING SUIT,

AND THERE IS ROOM FOR IT IN MY WALLET.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SISTER.

YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THE HOUSE. [ SIGHS ]

I KNOW YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH. I DON'T NEED TO SAY THIS.

BUT, UH, YEAH, GOODBYE, HOUSE.

WHEW. THAT'S NOT MY POINT.

MY POINT IS CLOSING THE HIGHWAY IN COLORADO BECAUSE OF SNOW

IS LIKE CLOSING CALIFORNIA

BECAUSE THEY'RE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM GLAD THEY TURNED US BACK.

I MEAN, WE SAW THREE CARS SPIN OUT AND A TRUCK JACKKNIFE.

I'M NOT SAYING IT WASN'T EXCITING. AW, JUST...

WHY DOES OUR HOUSE LOOK LIKE

THE GREENROOM OF "GOOD MORNING, DENVER"?

HEY!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

MANDY, YOU -- YOU THREW US A PARTY.

[ Singsong voice ] YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

HOW DID YOU KNOW WE WERE COMING BACK?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT IT.

YOU HEARD THAT THE FOUR SEASONS BURNED DOWN.

YES.

I SAW THAT ON THE NEWS, YOU GUYS.

OH, MY GOD.

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,

"THIS IS TOTALLY GONNA WRECK MOM AND DAD'S ANNIVERSARY."

THEN I WAS LIKE, "NOT ON MY WATCH."

SO...

...HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

THE FOUR SEASONS DID NOT BURN DOWN.

IT'S AN ANNIVERSARY MIRACLE!

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE PARTY, HUH?

NO. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ] I'M GONNA GET THAT.

PROBABLY JUST SOME LOST PEOPLE WHO ARE CARRYING PRETZELS.

PLEASE MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. MOVE IT.

OKAY.

HEY! HEY!

AND YOU BROUGHT BEER?

YEAH, IT'S FOR THE PARTY.

OH, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE COOL DADS, HUH?

[ LAUGHS MOCKINGLY ] NO.

AW, MANDY. [ DOOR CLOSES ]

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED.

SO AM I. WHAT IS FAT BASTARD ALE?

-- Captions by VITAC --

IT WAS JUST A PARTY.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT BIG A DEAL.

WITH UNDERAGE KIDS, LIQUOR, AND MY GUNS?

THIS IS HOW THE ALAMO GOT STARTED.

HEY, HEY, SOME KID COULD'VE LEFT HERE DRUNK

AND WRAPPED HIS CAR AROUND A TREE.

WE'D BE LIABLE FOR THAT.

AND TO DO ALL THIS WITH YOUR LITTLE SISTER IN THE HOUSE --

MANDY, THE ONE THING WE ASKED YOU TO DO

WAS TO TAKE CARE OF EVE.

YOU ASKED ME TO DO A LOT OF THINGS.

I DID SOME OF THEM.

I GAVE THE DOG ZITI EXACTLY AT 3:50.

UH...WHAT HAPPENED?

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GOING TO VAIL.

THE HOTEL BURNED DOWN -- BUT NOT REALLY.

THEY CLOSED I-70.

LOOK, DID YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MANDY'S PARTY?

WHAT?

[ Chuckling ] YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE I WOULD INVITE HER TO MY PARTY.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

IF THOSE ARE MORE OF YOUR FRIENDS,

LET'S JUST HOPE THEY HAVE A BEER THAT I RECOGNIZE.

[ Chuckling ] HEY.

DETECTIVE MIKE BAXTER.

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR YOU ALL.

I WANT YOU TO GO TEXT ALL YOUR FRIENDS

AND TELL THEM THE PARTY'S OFF

AND THEN COME BACK DOWN HERE AND CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

OKAY. AND WATCH MUFFIN.

IF HE STARTS DOING CIRCLES,

THAT ZITI'S LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THANK GOD THAT HIGHWAY GOT SNOWED OUT.

'CAUSE WE'RE HERE YELLING AT OUR KIDS

RATHER THAN BEING RUBBED DOWN BY SOME CROATIAN WOMAN

IN A FOUR-STAR HOTEL.

DID YOU BUY ALL THAT STUFF WITH EVE?

SHE KNEW ABOUT THIS PARTY.

I GUESS WE CAN'T COUNT ON EVE TO TELL ON HER SISTERS ANYMORE.

RIGHT.

WE'LL HAVE TO ADOPT A NEW KID TO SPY ON THEM.

I WONDER WHAT RUSSIAN BABIES GO FOR THESE DAYS.

YOU KNOW, MANDY'S GOT TO BE PUNISHED.

SHE'S NOT GONNA BE 21 FOR ANOTHER TWO WHOLE MONTHS.

WHAT IS THE RUSH TO START DRINKING, ANYWAY?

BOY.

NO WONDER THIS BASTARD GOT FAT.

SO, THIS WILL BE A LOW WALL

BETWEEN THE RESTAURANT AND THE SHOPPING AREA. I GOTCHA. OKAY.

WE WILL LET THE CUSTOMERS SEE HOW GOOD THE FOOD LOOKS,

AND THAT WILL DRAW THEM IN.

WHAT IF THE FOOD LOOKS TERRIBLE?

WON'T THAT HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT?

UH...LET ME SEE. HOW CAN I FIX THAT?

OH, I KNOW -- THE FOOD WON'T LOOK TERRIBLE.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'M JUST HERE TO ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS.

THAT'S MY JOB. BUT THEY HAVE TO BE REASONABLE.

WHAT IF A METEOR HIT THE RESTAURANT?

WELL, THEN YOUR LOW WALLS

WILL OFFER NO PROTECTION WHATSOEVER.

I'M JUST BUSTING YOUR CHOPS, KRISTIN --

ASSUMING GIRLS HAVE CHOPS.

YOUR DAD WAS RIGHT TO BRING YOU IN ON THIS.

YOU'RE TOP-NOTCH.

THANK YOU.

SPEAKING OF MY DAD... [CHUCKLES]

THAT WAS QUITE THE EXTRAVAGANT ANNIVERSARY PRESENT

YOU GOT MY PARENTS.

WELL, AFTER 10 YEARS,

IT'S SAFE TO SPEND BIG BUCKS ON A GIFT.

BEFORE THAT, YOU GIVE CHEAP STUFF

THEY CAN SPLIT UP WHEN THEY DO.

YOU REALIZE I'M GETTING MARRIED IN A MONTH?

NUMBERS DON'T LIE.

BEFORE THE 10-YEAR ANNIVERSARY, YOU KNOW,

50% OF MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE.

ACTUALLY, I HEARD THAT IS A MYTH.

NO, BIGFOOT IS A MYTH, AND IF IT'S NOT,

THERE ARE 10 BIGFOOTS AND 5 HAVE BEEN DIVORCED.

SO, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE SAYING THAT MY MARRIAGE TO RYAN

HAS A 50% CHANCE OF LASTING 10 YEARS?

NO, I'M SAYING THAT YOUR GIFT

WILL BE SOMETHING EASILY DIVISIBLE BY TWO.

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

HELLO.

HEY. WHAT'S YOUR SCAM?

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

I'M NOT UP TO ANYTHING.

I'M JUST SITTING HERE SLINGING BIRDS AT PIGS.

[ GROANS ] COME ON. YOU MUST WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

OTHERWISE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE PRETENDED

IT WAS YOUR PARTY WHEN IT WAS MINE.

YOU... YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE COVERING FOR ME LIKE THIS.

MOM AND DAD ARE REALLY PISSED.

YEAH, BUT NOT SURPRISED.

YOU KNOW, THEY EXPECT STUFF LIKE THIS FROM ME.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,

YOU'RE THE LITTLE GOOSE THAT POOPS THE GOLDEN EGGS.

A GOOSE DOES NOT POOP EGGS.

REALLY?

AFTER MY NICE GESTURE,

YOU'RE GONNA GET ALL BIOLOGY ON ME HERE?

AND HONESTLY, SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE?

YOU'VE RATTED ME OUT TO THEM LIKE A MILLION TIMES.

YEAH, AND THIS WAS A PERFECT CHANCE

FOR YOU TO GET BACK AT ME.

WELL, MAYBE I'M JUST THE BETTER SISTER.

WE ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT IT.

LOOK, KRISTIN'S COVERED FOR ME BEFORE,

I'VE COVERED FOR HER.

IT'S JUST WHAT SISTERS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

WELL, THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

IF KRISTIN LISTENED TO ME,

MOM AND DAD STILL WOULDN'T KNOW SHE HAS A KID.

LOOKS LIKE OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER'S

GONNA BE COLD ZITI AND CELERY STICKS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THE ZITI AND A ROLAIDS.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT MANDY? YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, HER -- HER PUNISHMENT HAS TO BE SOMETHING BIG.

A BOAT.

SHE'D HATE IT IF I GOT A BOAT OUT OF THIS.

WHAT ABOUT HER SPRING-BREAK TRIP?

I THINK WE SHOULD CANCEL THAT.

OH, THAT'S KIND OF CRUEL.

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO HER BEING GONE FOR A WHILE.

IF WE CAN'T TRUST HER JUDGMENT WHEN SHE'S HOME,

WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'S GONNA DO IN CANCúN

IN A WALLET-SIZE BIKINI?

YOU KNOW, IF I HAD A BOAT,

I COULD, YOU KNOW, WATCH HER FROM THE BOAT.

BABY, COME ON. SHE'S ALMOST 21.

I REALLY DON'T SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE. [ SIGHS ]

WELL, WHEN I TRIED TO PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS,

MY PARENTS CAME DOWN ON ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.

OH, BOY.

IS THIS THAT UGLY, UGLY STORY

ABOUT WHEN YOU GOT YOUR FIRST A-MINUS?

NO, NO, NO, NO

I NEVER TOLD THIS TO ANYONE BEFORE,

BUT MY PARENTS USED TO TAKE APRIL AND ME

TO CEDAR POINT EVERY YEAR.

UH-HUH. RIGHT.

AND WHEN I WAS 17, I HAD SUMMER SCHOOL,

SO I STAYED HOME.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T REALLY NEED SUMMER SCHOOL.

I JUST WANTED TO GET A JUMP ON THE NEXT SEMESTER.

I CAN SEE WHY YOU NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS STORY.

JUST WAIT. THIS JET IS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF. OKAY.

OKAY, SO, THE FIRST NIGHT I HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF,

I INVITE A FEW FRIENDS OVER FOR A "DANCE FEVER" PARTY.

I MEAN, YOU HAD THOSE, RIGHT? "DANCE FEVER"?

[ SNAPS FINGERS ]

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH.

SO, MY GIRLFRIENDS COME OVER TO DANCE.

OH, AND WE DANCED GOOD, MIKE.

AND THEN SUDDENLY, THE DOOR FLIES OPEN,

AND THERE THEY ARE -- MY PARENTS.

YEAH.

MY SISTER RATTED ME OUT.

THEY GROUNDED ME FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS.

AND YOU WERE DANCING SO GOOD.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

[ Sighing ] YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WORSE THAN BEING GROUNDED,

MY PARENTS SAID THEY WERE DISAPPOINTED IN ME,

AND SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT'S THE WORST PUNISHMENT

YOU CAN GET WHEN YOU'RE A KID.

THOSE PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN SMACKED IN THE HEAD

WITH A BROWN WING TIP.

HEY, DAD, I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU. OH, HI.

HI, BUD. HOW ARE YOU? HELLO, MICHAEL.

VANESSA.

I NEEDED TO COME BY ON THIS HAPPY OCCASION.

OH, THAT'S SWEET,

BUT OUR ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION HIT A LITTLE GLITCH.

IS IT YOUR ANNIVERSARY?

YES, DAD.

27 YEARS AGO TODAY,

YOU GOT INTO A FISTFIGHT AT OUR RECEPTION.

AS I RECALL, THAT JACKASS HAD IT COMING.

WHAT THE HELL WAS HIS NAME?

REVEREND TURNER.

SO, WHAT IS YOUR HAPPY OCCASION, BUD?

YOUR BROTHER JIMMY'S IN TOWN.

HE'S TAKING ME OUT FOR A BIG, FAT STEAK.

BUT I NEEDED A NECKTIE, SO HERE I AM.

YOU DON'T HAVE A NECKTIE?

NOT ANYMORE.

WHEN I OPENED THE WEED SHOP,

I DECIDED I SHOULD START DRESSING MORE GROOVY.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, NUMBER 27?

Vanessa: YEAH.

THAT'S THE... DORITO ANNIVERSARY?

OH, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN'T FOR US.

MANDY TRIED TO SNEAK IN A PARTY

BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT WE WERE GONE.

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

NO.

ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT HILARIOUS, DAD.

IT NEVER IS WHEN THE CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST,

AND YOU'RE THE ROOST.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN MIKE WAS A KID, HE WAS A PIECE OF WORK.

HE WAS ALWAYS GETTING IN TROUBLE.

I WASN'T ALWAYS IN TROUBLE. ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.

I'LL BET HE NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TIME

HE STOLE MY TRUCK AND WRECKED IT.

YOU STOLE YOUR DAD'S TRUCK? YES.

I'M AN INFAMOUS TRUCK THIEF. DO YOU WANT YOUR RING BACK?

HE ROLLED IT INTO A CREEK BED.

I KICKED YOUR ASS PRETTY GOOD FOR THAT.

THAT'S A GREAT STORY YOU CAN TELL THE GEEZERS

WHEN I PUT YOU IN A HOME.

I HAD TO BE HARD ON YOU.

JIMMY IDOLIZED YOU.

I DIDN'T WANT HIM GOING DOWN THE SAME PATH.

I NEVER HAD TO BEAT THAT KID.

THAT'S HOW MY DAD'S GENERATION PLAYED FAVORITES.

"BEAT THIS ONE, BUT LET'S NOT BEAT THAT ONE."

LISTEN, POP, I GOT THE TIE

I WAS GONNA WEAR FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

IT'S A LITTLE FLAMBOYANT, DON'T YOU THINK, MICHAEL?

YEAH, IT'S OUT THERE. IT'S TWO COLORS.

I KNOW WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR TIES.

I WANT A NECKTIE, NOT A NEW LIFESTYLE.

LET'S GO WITH THE BIGGER LETTERING

ON THE MENUS, ALL RIGHT?

A LOT OF OUR CUSTOMERS ARE OLDER,

AND THEY DON'T SEE VERY WELL.

AND YET YOU SELL THEM GUNS.

CAN I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?

GO AHEAD.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

UH... I'M SORRY, WHAT?

FOUR.

AND NONE OF THEM LASTED 10 YEARS?

MY MARRIAGE RECORD READS LIKE MY GOLF SCORES --

A 6, A 7, A 9, AN 8.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

I'VE BEEN TOLD I DON'T ROTATE MY HIPS VERY WELL.

I HOPE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT GOLF.

[ SIGHS ]

MARRIAGE IS VERY, VERY COMPLICATED,

AND AFFAIRS DON'T HELP.

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS TEND TO FROWN ON THOSE.

NOT OURS.

HE HAD ONE WITH WIFE NUMBER TWO.

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR, MR. ALZATE.

I'M ABOUT TO GET MARRIED,

AND THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO KNOW IF IT'S GONNA LAST.

IT -- IT'S SCARY.

KRISTIN, EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE THAT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.

I FELT LIKE THAT FOUR TIMES.

AND I WAS RIGHT EVERY TIME.

ALL RIGHT, I WANT TO BRING MANDY DOWN,

BUT WE HAVE TO AGREE ON HER PUNISHMENT. [ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HEY, IF IT'S NOT TOO CRUEL,

HAVE HER SIT THROUGH THAT "DANCE FEVER" STORY.

JUST GOT TO BE HONEST -- THAT JET NEVER TOOK OFF.

HEY, CAMMY.

OH. MR. BAXTER. YOU'RE HERE.

YEAH, I'M HERE IN MY OWN HOME. CRAZY WORLD, HUH?

HEY, CAMMY.

WHAT, UH -- WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?

KARAOKE MACHINE?

WHERE?

IN THE BOX THAT SAYS "KARAOKE MACHINE" ON IT.

OH. [ LAUGHS ] [ CHUCKLES ]

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.

[ Chuckling ] HEY.

YOU BRINGING THAT TO THE PARTY?

PARTY? NO, NO, NO.

I-I JUST THOUGHT YOU GUYS MIGHT WANT A K-KARAOKE MACHINE

BECAUSE THEY'RE...

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

LOOK, CAMMY, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REALLY HONEST KID,

AND I LIKE YOU BECAUSE --

EVE ASKED ME TO BRING IT FOR HER PARTY. I'M SORRY.

EVE? WAIT, EVE'S PARTY?

I DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE

IF IT'S GONNA GET HER IN TROUBLE.

EVE'S THE ONE WHO'S THROWING THE PARTY?

OH, GOD! WHY WAS I BORN?!

I-I SHOULD GO.

LISTEN, BUT IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. CALM DOWN.

ANYBODY WOULD'VE CAVED UNDER THE TORTURE

YOU JUST PUT YOURSELF THROUGH.

WELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE EVE WOULD PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT -- I CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT MANDY WAS WILLING TO TAKE THE RAP FOR THIS.

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ADMIRE HER FOR THAT.

I DO. I TOLD HER TO TAKE CARE OF HER SISTER, AND SHE DID.

YEAH, BY LYING.

I LIED FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER ALL THE TIME.

THAT STORY ABOUT MY DAD'S TRUCK --

I NEVER ROLLED MY DAD'S TRUCK.

THAT WAS JIMMY.

TOOK IT OUT FOR A JOYRIDE, FLIPS IT IN THE CREEK,

ALMOST KILLED HIMSELF.

HE COMES BACK, HE'S SCARED TO DEATH

OF WHAT MY DAD'S GONNA DO TO HIM.

SO YOU TOLD YOUR DAD IT WAS YOU. RIGHT.

HE WAS 15. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FAR WORSE ON HIM, YOU KNOW?

PLUS, HE WAS DAD'S FAVORITE.

JUST LIKE EVE IS YOUR FAVORITE?

USED TO BE.

THE NEW RANKINGS COME OUT TOMORROW.

KRISTIN. WHAT?

BEEN RUNNING SOME PROJECTIONS ON THIS RESTAURANT.

I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

LET ME GUESS -- ANOTHER "WHAT IF?"

LIKE "WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THE WORLD BECOMES A VEGETARIAN?"

I'D BE FINE WITH THAT. I'M HEAVILY INVESTED IN SOY.

BUT SERIOUSLY, THE COST OF OPENING THIS PLACE IS HUGE.

IF IT TANKS, I'LL TAKE A BIG HIT.

I'LL HAVE TO SELL ONE OF MY DANCING HORSES.

IT WON'T TANK.

I PROMISE YOU, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

LOOK, 50% OF RESTAURANTS FAIL IN THE FIRST THREE YEARS.

I ONLY INVEST IN THINGS I KNOW WILL SUCCEED.

WAIT -- NO...ED, WAIT.

Y-Y-YOU CAN'T GO INTO SOMETHING WITH THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE.

WHY NOT?

FROM WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME,

THAT'S THE ATTITUDE THAT YOU'RE GOING INTO MARRIAGE WITH.

VERY CLEVER.

YES, "ALZATE" IS BASQUE FOR "BRILLIANT."

OR "FISHMONGER." SOURCES VARY.

YOU'VE BEEN ASKING ME WHY MY MARRIAGES FAILED.

I THINK THE BEST REASON

IS THAT WHEN THINGS GOT HARD, I STOPPED TRYING.

I QUIT.

WELL, I DON'T QUIT.

I COMPLAIN LIKE HELL, BUT I DON'T QUIT.

THEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

SO, I GUESS I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR WEDDING PRESENT NOW.

WHA--

[ LAUGHS ] A SUITE AT THE FOUR SEASONS?

THIS IS SO GENEROUS!

JUST, UH, CHECK THE DATE.

[ MUTTERS ]

10 YEARS FROM THE WEDDING.

YEAH, FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

LIKE I SAID, I ONLY INVEST IN THINGS I KNOW WILL SUCCEED.

THANK YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I KNOW YOU AND BRIAN WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

IT'S "RYAN."

WELL, I GUESS IT MEANS "FISHMONGER," THEN.

OKAY. I JUST TOLD MANDY WE WANT TO TALK TO HER.

AND I ALSO CHECKED ON YOUR DAD.

HE FELL ASLEEP ON BOYD'S BED WITH A HANDFUL OF TIES.

WE COULD PLAY A GREAT TRICK ON HIM RIGHT NOW --

WE MOVE.

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO MANDY?

THIS PARTY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT EVE.

BUT MANDY LIED, AND WE CAN'T LET THAT GO.

WE JUST GOT TO SQUEEZE HER A LITTLE

AND GIVE HER A CHANCE TO TO TELL THE TRUTH.

SHE LIED TO PROTECT HER SISTER.

YEAH.

MY SISTER NEVER STUCK UP FOR ME.

WELL... WE ALL HATE APRIL.

IS THIS ABOUT MY PUNISHMENT?

WELL, WE NEED A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION FIRST.

WHO DID YOU INVITE TO THIS PARTY?

UMM...JUST A COUPLE OF FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE.

MM, AND WHAT SORT OF STUFF

WERE YOU AND YOUR COLLEGE FRIENDS GOING TO DO?

MAYBE KARAOKE?

[ Chuckling ] YEAH, RIGHT.

EVE'S FRIEND CAMMY SHOWED UP HERE WITH A KARAOKE MACHINE.

LOVE KARAOKE. IT'S NOT LAME AT ALL.

NEITHER IS CAMMY. SHE'S NOT WEIRD.

WE HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, IT IS TIME TO TELL YOU YOUR PUNISHMENT.

OKAY, WHY -- WHY ARE WE DOING THIS LIKE A GAME SHOW?

[ Announcer voice ] WE JUST WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE --

A SPECTACULAR SPRING-BREAK TRIP TO CANCúN, MéJICO.

COME ON, GUYS.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

YOU KNOW, FROM WHAT YOU'VE TOLD US --

OR HAVEN'T TOLD US -- YOU'VE LEFT US NO CHOICE.

O-OKAY, FINE. TAKE AWAY MY TRIP.

ALL RIGHT, NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

SHUT UP, EVE.

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS, ALL RIGHT?

IT WAS MY PARTY. AHH.

MANDY WAS JUST COVERING FOR ME.

SO, NOW WE HAVE THE TRUTH -- FROM THE RIGHT PERSON.

MM-HMM.

MANDY, I'M ACTUALLY PROUD OF YOU.

EVE, YOU'RE DEAD.

YOU'RE PROUD OF ME FOR LYING?

AND YOU'RE MAD AT ME FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

PARENTING IS COMPLICATED.

CANCEL THE RUSSIAN BABY.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

JIMMY.

PROBABLY CAN'T FIND MY DAD.

ARE YOU SURE HE'S ASLEEP UPSTAIRS?

YOU GET A MIRROR UNDER HIS NOSE? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH.

SURE, JIM. WHAT'S UP?

MOM, I'M REALLY SORRY.

I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS REALLY STUPID. YEAH.

I THINK THAT WE'VE ALL LEARNED

A VALUABLE LESSON HERE TODAY --

THAT I CAN STILL GO TO CANCúN.

NO, NO, NO, HEY, GIRLS. LISTEN.

OUR JOB AS PARENTS IS TO PROTECT YOU.

IF YOU'RE GONNA HIDE STUFF FROM US,

THEN SOMEBODY'S GOT TO STEP IN AND ACT LIKE THE PARENT.

NOW, COME ON -- PART OF HAVING EACH OTHER'S BACKS

IS TO MAKE SURE YOUR SISTER DOESN'T DO SOMETHING STUPID.

YES. I UNDERSTAND.

YEAH. YEAH?

OKAY. GOT IT.

GOOD.

WE SHOULD HAVE BLAMED KRISTIN.

OH, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD!

YEAH. THAT'S GREAT, JIMMY. YOU NEVER FAIL TO DISAPPOINT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

JIMMY CAN'T MAKE DINNER WITH MY DAD

BECAUSE HE'S IN A "BUSINESS MEETING."

[ SCOFFS ]

THE KIND OF MEETING THAT HAS

A GIRL GIGGLING IN THE BACKGROUND.

OH, GOD.

HE WANTS YOU TO MAKE AN EXCUSE TO YOUR DAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT LYING FOR HIM THIS TIME.

YEAH. YOU SHOULD JUST GET MANDY TO DO IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I TOLD HIM TO JUST MAKE THE DINNER

OR I'LL KICK HIS ASS.

THAT'S ALL I COULD COME UP WITH.

YEAH? YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA WORK?

HE'S A LOT BIGGER AND STRONGER. I MAY NEED YOU TO TAG IN.

GOT IT.

SORRY TO HEAR IT.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, JIMMY.

DON'T WORRY A BIT ABOUT IT.

IT'S OKAY.

WELL, JIMMY GOT HELD UP IN A BUSINESS MEETING.

[ SCOFFS ]

HE'S GOT A LOT OF IRONS IN THE FIRE.

EVERYBODY WANTS A PIECE OF THAT KID.

WELL, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE, DAD.

I'M SORRY, BUD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY

AND CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY WITH US.

NO. HE'S JUST RUNNING LATE.

HE SAID HE WOULD DEFINITELY BE THERE.

AND IT SEEMED VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM

THAT I LET YOU KNOW THAT.

JIMMY'S A...GOOD SON.

BUD, THE ONLY REASON HE'S COMING IS BECAUSE --

BECAUSE HE'S A PRINCE.

ALWAYS HAS BEEN, DAD. HE'S A GOOD KID.

YEAH. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU GOT A WHOLE RACK OF TIES UP THERE, MIKE.

SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN COURT?

I'M GONNA NEED THAT TIE BACK, DAD.

IT'S MY LUCKY FUNERAL TIE.

EVERY TIME I WEAR THAT, I'M NOT THE DEAD GUY.

HEY. MIKE BAXTER HERE FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO RUN A FAMILY?

WE ALL AGREE THAT LETTING PEOPLE VOTE

IS THE BEST WAY TO RUN A COUNTRY.

WELL, YOU DO GET SOME PUSHBACK FROM THE DICTATORS OUT THERE --

KIM JONG-UN, THE CASTRO BROTHERS, OBAMA.

BEING A DICTATOR IS NO WAY TO RUN A COUNTRY.

BUT, GOSH DARN IT, IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO RUN A FAMILY.

YOU KNOW, IT WORKS FOR MAFIA FAMILIES.

IN THOSE FAMILIES YOU NEVER HEAR,

"LOOK, ALL IN FAVOR OF WHACKING JOHNNY ROAST BEEF, SAY AYE."

WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE LITTLE,

YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LOT OF FREEDOM.

THEY DON'T HAVE THE INALIENABLE RIGHT

TO STICK A FORK IN A WALL SOCKET.

BEING A PARENT IS LIKE BEING A KING,

EXCEPT YOUR SUBJECTS ARE GETTING BIGGER AND SMARTER ALL THE TIME.

SO YOU GOT TO STAY ONE STEP AHEAD OF THEM.

ONE TRICK DICTATORS USE

IS TO TURN THEIR SUBJECTS AGAINST EACH OTHER,

WHICH IS TEMPTING TO DO WITH YOUR KIDS, RIGHT?

BUT, LIKE COCKFIGHTING,

IT'S FUN TO WATCH, BUT ULTIMATELY KIND OF WRONG.

[ CLUCKING ]

IDEALLY, YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO BE CLOSE

SO THAT WHEN YOU'RE NO LONGER AROUND,

THEY HAVE EACH OTHER.

AS THE WRITER JEAN BAPTISTE LEGOUVé SAID,

"A SIBLING IS A FRIEND GIVEN BY NATURE."

WHICH TELLS ME FRENCHY WEIRD NAME

NEVER GOT JAMMED INTO A CLOTHES DRYER BY HIS BROTHER.

SO, IN CLOSING, I WANT TO MAKE AMENDS

AND SAY "SORRY" TO MY YOUNGER BROTHER, JIMMY.

BUT AT LEAST WHEN YOU CAME OUT,

YOU WERE FLUFFY AND SPRINGTIME-FRESH.