Original subtitles

"LAST MAN STANDING"

IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH WE LOST THE GAME.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO PLAY.

WELL, LOOK AT THE UPSIDE.

I DON'T HAVE TO WASH YOUR UNIFORM.

YOUR DAD IS HAPPY 'CAUSE YOU SPENT THE NIGHT

WITH FOOTBALL PLAYERS AND DIDN'T SEE ANY ACTION.

IT'S COACH FOSTER'S FAULT WE KEEP LOSING.

I MEAN, HE ALWAYS CALLS THE SAME FIVE PLAYS.

YEAH, IS ONE OF THOSE PLAYS GET SACKED AND LOSE SIX YARDS?

THAT'S THE ONLY PLAY YOU GUYS SEEM TO HAVE.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD

CRITICIZE EVE'S COACH IN FRONT OF HER.

HE'S NO VINCE LOMBARDI.

HE'S NOT EVEN VINCE,

THAT WEIRD KID THAT BAGS OUR GROCERIES.

HE'S NOT A KID. HE'S 40.

AND WHAT BAGGER VINCE LACKS IN SKILLS,

HE MAKES UP FOR IN HUGS.

I JUST THOUGHT BEING THE KICKER ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM

WOULD BE A LITTLE MORE FUN.

I MEAN, LOSING SUCKS.

HONEY, YOU GOT TO TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD.

I MEAN, ISN'T THAT ONE OF THOSE LIFE LESSONS

THAT SPORTS IS SUPPOSED TO TEACH YOU? NO.

LOSING COACH SAYS THAT SO THE KIDS WON'T CRY ON THE BUS.

KYLE JUST CALLED AND SAID THAT HE CRASHED HIS MOTORCYCLE.

WHAT? OH, MY GOD, MY POOR BOYFRIEND.

IS IT SERIOUS? WELL, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS,

BUT NOW IS NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

HE'S HURT.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Ed: OH, THERE YOU ARE, SON.

GLAD YOU'RE OKAY. YEAH.

GOOD THING HE HIT HIS HEAD --

SOMETHING HE DOESN'T USE HERE AT WORK.

YEAH, THE, UH, DOCTOR SAID I GOT

A PRETTY NASTY BUMP ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

BACK OF YOUR HEAD?

WHAT'S THIS, THEN?

THE FRONT OF MY HEAD.

YOU CAN TELL 'CAUSE IT'S GOT A FACE ON IT.

WHY THE BANDAGE?

OH, THIS HAPPENED AFTER THE ACCIDENT.

I, UH, BURNT MY FOREHEAD ON THE MUFFLER.

DID YOU KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

FOR YOUR BIKE TO COOL DOWN BEFORE YOU WORK ON IT?

YES.

SO, YOU WERE NOT WEARING A HELMET.

AS MR. B SAYS, "HELMETS ARE FOR LADIES

WHO DON'T WANT TO MUSS THEIR HAIR."

OR IF YOU'RE BEING SHOT OUT OF A CANNON.

AND IF YOU DON'T WEAR A HELMET DOING THAT,

YOU'RE JUST SHOWING OFF.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO HOME, TAKE A LITTLE REST DAY, HMM?

NO, NO, THE DOCTOR SAID I NEED TO STAY AWAKE FOR 24 HOURS,

WHICH SHOULDN'T BE HARD BECAUSE I SLEPT LIKE A BABY

AFTER THE CRASH -- A BABY FLASHING

IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS AND OCCASIONALLY VOMITING.

[ SIGHS ]

THERE SHOULD BE A LAW

FORCING A KID THAT CARELESS TO WEAR A HELMET.

AND NOT JUST ON A MOTORCYCLE -- ALL DAY LONG.

WE VALUE OUR FREEDOMS HERE IN COLORADO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT A HELMET ON.

YOU CAN RIDE YOUR MOTORCYCLE RIGHT TO THE POT STORE,

AND THEN COME HERE AND BUY YOURSELF A RIFLE.

IT'S AMAZING ANYONE'S STILL ALIVE HERE IN COLORADO.

STUPID ACCIDENTS LIKE KYLE'S, THOUGH,

CAN RAISE OUR HEALTH-INSURANCE COSTS.

I'M ALREADY PAYING MORE TO MEET THE NEW OBAMACARE REQUIREMENTS.

AND I THOUGHT IF YOU LIKED

YOUR PRESENT HEALTHCARE PLAN, YOU COULD KEEP IT.

NOW THEY'RE MAKING US ADD STUFF

LIKE VISION CARE AND BIRTH CONTROL.

IF WOMEN GET VISION CARE,

OUR MEN WON'T NEED BIRTH CONTROL.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE MORE INTERESTED

IN THE BOTTOM LINE THAN KYLE'S HEAD.

KYLE'S HEAD IS A LOST CAUSE.

WE SHOULD CONSIDER CUTTING OUR EMPLOYEES TO PART TIME...

NO. ...SO WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THEIR HEALTHCARE.

WE TAKE CARE OF OUR EMPLOYEES AT OUTDOOR MAN.

WE ALWAYS HAVE, AND WE ALWAYS WILL.

IF I CUT THEM LOOSE,

THEY CAN GET THEIR OWN PLAN ON THE PRIVATE EXCHANGE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

ANYBODY WHO CAN FIGURE OUT THAT EXCHANGE

IS TOO SMART TO BE WORKING HERE.

OHH. OH, HEY, DON'T BE STINGY, MOM.

I'VE GOT TO CARBO-LOAD FOR TOMORROW NIGHT'S GAME.

AH, AH, AH, AH, NONE FOR ME.

I'M GONNA PEACH-PIE-LOAD LATER. Vanessa: OH.

SO, ED IS SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING

CANCELING THE EMPLOYEE HEALTHCARE PLAN?

AS SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK.

IF ANYBODY AT WORK WANTS A HEART ATTACK,

THEY BETTER DO IT NOW.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I BLAME THIS ON YOUR PRESIDENT.

YOU SAID THAT LAST MONTH WHEN IT HAILED.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE STILL RAILING AGAINST OBAMACARE.

WASN'T THAT, LIKE, 10 FAKE SCANDALS AGO?

WELL, WE ALL AGREE HE SCREWS UP A LOT,

BUT I PREFER HIS EARLIER, CLASSIC SCREW-UPS.

I THINK IT'S A NICE IMPULSE

TO GIVE MORE AMERICANS INSURANCE.

BUT THAT'S NOT HIS JOB.

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS,

THAT COOLER BLACK DUDE ON THE ALLSTATE COMMERCIALS?

WELL, I'M GRATEFUL TO THE PRESIDENT

THAT KYLE WAS COVERED FOR HIS ACCIDENT.

WELL, THE FEDS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, YOU KNOW.

WE TOOK CARE OF KYLE AT OUTDOOR MAN.

WE TAKE CARE OF OUR EMPLOYEES BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO.

IT'S LIKE WHEN I CHOOSE TO EMPTY THE DISHWASHER.

IT'S GREAT BECAUSE I CHOOSE IT. IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

IT'S BETTER THAN WHEN YOUR MOM NAGS ME TO DO IT.

WHEN HAVE YOU EVER EMPTIED THE DISHWASHER?

I'M JUST MAKING A POINT.

OKAY.

OH, HEY, KYLE. HI.

HEY, SORRY TO DISTURB YOUR DINNER.

YOU HUNGRY, KYLE? HEY.

OH, NO, IT'S OKAY.

I ATE AT DENNY'S.

NOT THE RESTAURANT, MY NEIGHBOR.

I ATE WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE, IHOP.

SHE'S FROM PAKISTAN.

HEY, I, UH, HAVE MY BIKE IN THE VAN.

YOU SAID TO BRING IT BY.

YEAH, WE CAN FIX IT, AND THEN AFTER WE'RE DONE,

I'LL RUN ALONGSIDE YOU

TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO RIDE IT.

GOOD ONE, MR. B.

YOU ROLL IT IN AND I'LL CHANGE MY CLOTHES.

UM, HEY, DAD.

SO, KYLE STILL PLANS ON RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE?

IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SLOGAN -- YOU FALL OFF A HORSE,

YOU WANT TO GET RIGHT BACK ON IT.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.

AND THERE'S A 50-50 CHANCE

HE'LL ACTUALLY BRING A HORSE INTO THE GARAGE.

HEY.

WOW.

IT GOT THIS MESSED UP IN YOUR ACCIDENT?

IT ALSO FELL OUT OF MY VAN

ROUNDING THE CORNER ON BIRCH STREET.

I NEED TO GET A BACK DOOR FOR MY VAN.

ALSO A NEW PATIO TABLE FOR THAT RESTAURANT ON BIRCH STREET.

KYLE, YOU WERE REALLY LUCKY TO WALK AWAY

FROM THIS ACCIDENT WITH A CONCUSSION.

I KNOW. MY DREAMS HAVE BEEN AWESOME.

NO, I MEAN WITH NOTHING WORSE THAN A CONCUSSION.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD A SPINAL INJURY

AND ENDED UP A PARALEGAL.

MANDY, I KNOW YOU WORRY.

AND THAT'S WHY I'LL BE WEARING A HELMET FROM NOW ON.

BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL YOUR DAD

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK OF ME

AS A LADY WHO CARES ABOUT MUSSED HAIR.

NO, SWEETIE, I DON'T WANT YOU RIDING IT AT ALL.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU IN SOME STUPID ACCIDENT...

OR EVEN A SMART ONE,

LIKE WHATEVER HAPPENED TO STEPHEN HAWKING.

REALLY?

NOT RIDE ANYMORE?

PLEASE.

OKAY.

IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU, I'LL SELL THE BIKE.

THANK YOU.

MAYBE IT'S TIME I GET THAT HORSE YOUR DAD KEEPS TALKING ABOUT.

COME ON, HOW MANY DADS CAN SAY THEIR TEENAGE DAUGHTER

THREW THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN PASS IN A FOOTBALL GAME?

JUST YOU -- OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

EVERYBODY IN THE PARKING LOT

TO THE HOMELESS GUY AT THE INTERSECTION.

GEEZ, YOU SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST GIVEN THE GUY A DOLLAR.

I GAVE HIM SOMETHING BETTER -- AN INSPIRATIONAL STORY.

COME ON.

IF A TEENAGE GIRL CAN THROW A TOUCHDOWN PASS

ON AN ALL-BOYS FOOTBALL TEAM, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT

FOR A 40-YEAR-OLD ALCOHOLIC WITH A DOG ON A ROPE.

EVE WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO KICK THE BALL,

NOT MIX IT UP WITH THOSE BURLY BOYS.

THIS IS A PERFECT FAKE FIELD GOAL.

OHH, AGAIN. I DON'T WANT TO. SUPPOSED TO KICK IT.

SHE ROLLS OUT, HITS THE GUY IN THE END ZONE, AND TOUCHDOWN!

Man: TOUCHDOWN, WOODBRIDGE HIGH!

YES!

I WAS SCARED TO DEATH.

BUT MY GIRL SURE THROWS A SWEET SPIRAL.

THAT WAS A PERFECTLY DESIGNED PLAY.

I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT THAT STUPID COACH.

WELL, MAYBE HE FINALLY HEARD YOU.

I DON'T THINK SO.

HE STILL WEARS THAT UGLY VISOR.

YEAH, WE GET IT. YOU'VE BEEN TO SeaWorld.

PLEASE, CAN YOU TRY TO CONTAIN YOUR ENTHUSIASM

IN FRONT OF MANDY AND KRISTIN.

THEY ALREADY FEEL LIKE YOU FAVOR EVE.

IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF THEY DIDN'T.

I MAKE IT PRETTY OBVIOUS.

AH!

HEY, HEY! TOUCHDOWN! YEAH!

THERE'S MY FOOTBALL HERO!

YOUR MOM HAS BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT YOU SINCE THE GAME.

WE'RE A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR SISTERS, THOUGH --

SILVER AND BRONZE.

HONEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE OUT CELEBRATING WITH THE TEAM?

I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE CELEBRATING.

WHY NOT?

[ SIGHS ] THE COACH BENCHED ME.

AFTER WINNING THE GAME?! HONEY...

I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I TOOK BACK ABOUT THAT GUY.

WHY DID THE COACH BENCH YOU?

YOU EXECUTED HIS PLAY PERFECTLY.

YEAH, BUT IT WASN'T HIS PLAY.

HE WANTED ME TO KICK THE FIELD GOAL AND TIE THE GAME,

BUT I HAD A BETTER IDEA -- WINNING.

SO, YOU DISOBEYED HIS ORDER.

HONEY, IMAGINE IF EVERYONE DID THAT ON THE TEAM.

YEAH, WE'D BE UNDEFEATED.

I MEAN, DAD GETS IT.

HAPPY, MIKE? HUH?

I MEAN, SHE ONLY DID THIS BECAUSE OF THE WAY

YOU CONSTANTLY UNDERMINE HER COACH IN FRONT OF HER.

SO, IN A WAY...

I WON THIS GAME.

KYLE, WE'RE OUT OF SUGAR AND CREAM.

OH, YEAH.

MR. ALZATE SAID THEY'RE UNHEALTHY,

SO IT ALL WENT IN THE DUMPSTER,

ALONG WITH THE CHIPS AND THE DOUGHNUTS.

THE GUYS AREN'T TOO HAPPY.

I BET THE RACCOONS ARE EXCITED, HUH?

YEAH, MR. ALZATE WANTS US TO WATCH WHAT WE EAT,

BUT AS USUAL, RACCOONS GET TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.

WHERE'S ED?

UH, HE'S IN THE BREAK ROOM DOING YOGA.

ED IN YOGA PANTS --

THAT'LL STOP PEOPLE FROM EATING.

AND NOW LET'S ALL FOLD FORWARD.

OHH, ONE VERTEBRAE AT A TIME.

NAMASTE, MIKEY.

NAMA-STAY AWAY FROM ME.

YOU SMELL LIKE ARMPITS AND INCENSE.

THAT'S THE SMELL OF SAVING MONEY.

I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO CUT BACK ON OUR HEALTH-INSURANCE COSTS.

WE GET A BIG BREAK

BY ENCOURAGING HEALTHY HABITS AND EXERCISE.

YOU KNOW, THE CUSTOMERS DOWN ON THE FLOOR

ARE GETTING A LOT OF EXERCISE

WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR SALESPEOPLE.

COME ON. IT'S -- IT'S JUST 40 MINUTES A DAY.

I'M GONNA WHIP THESE FATTIES INTO SHAPE.

YEAH, AND WHAT WE SAVE IN HEALTHCARE,

WE'RE PAYING IN LAWSUITS FOR CALLING PEOPLE "FATTIES."

SO, UH, IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND WORKING HERE NOW?

SHE'S A FIRST-RATE YOGA INSTRUCTOR.

IF SHE GETS ME ANY MORE LIMBER, I WON'T EVEN NEED A GIRLFRIEND.

HEY, MIKE, THERE'S A YOGA MAT RIGHT HERE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT.

WHO WANTS TO SEE MIKE IN THE YOGA CLASS?

[ Chuckling ] HEY!

WHO WANTS TO GET FIRED?

AND FOLD FORWARD.

I'M TELLING YOU, MIKE, OUR GUYS ARE LOVING YOGA.

A LITTLE GRUMBLING AT FIRST.

IT'S PROBABLY THEIR STOMACHS.

AS SOON AS YOU LEFT THE ROOM, THEY HEADED DOWN TO THE DUMPSTER

TO FIGHT THOSE RACCOONS FOR THE DOUGHNUTS.

I HEAR RUNNING AND FIGHTING

ARE TWO VERY GOOD FORMS OF EXERCISE.

LISTEN, AT OUTDOOR MAN, WE LOVE OUR EMPLOYEES.

WE WANT THEM HEALTHY.

BUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

IS THEY'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH THE WAY THEY ARE.

THEY AREN'T.

BUT...

you're saying it.

I'M TIRED OF BEING ON THE HOOK

FOR THEIR RISKY LIFESTYLES. WHAT RISKY LIFESTYLES?

HALF OF THEM ARE OUT OF SHAPE,

AND THE FIT ONES ARE DOING

VERY DANGEROUS STUFF LIKE SNOWMOBILES...

WE SELL THESE. ...JET SKIS, AND -- AND -- AND ROCK-CLIMBING.

WE CAN'T DICTATE WHAT OUR EMPLOYEES DO IN THEIR FREE TIME.

WE CAN, IF THEY WANT TO STAY OUR EMPLOYEES.

IF THEY STUB A TOE, OUR INSURANCE RATES GO UP.

UH [WHISTLES] YOU, COME IN.

UH, THAT'S ENOUGH. COME ON DOWN HERE. COME ON. COME ON.

LEAVE THE DANGEROUS ACTIVITIES TO OUR CUSTOMERS.

LET THEM KILL THEMSELVES.

IT DOESN'T COST US ANYTHING.

EXCEPT RETURN CUSTOMERS.

IF WE WANT HEALTHY EMPLOYEES, LET'S MAKE HAPPY EMPLOYEES.

LET THEM DO STUFF THAT THEY WANT TO DO IN THEIR OWN FREE TIME.

IF THEY WANT TO ROCK-CLIMB, PARASAIL,

OR EAT FRIED CARNIVAL FOODS, I DON'T CARE.

H-HEY, MR. B.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY MOTORCYCLE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THAT.

THIS KID DOES A SWAN DIVE OFF HIS MOTORCYCLE,

HITS THE STREET.

DOES HE STOP RIDING MOTORCYCLES BECAUSE IT'S RISKY BEHAVIOR?

ACTUALLY, THAT'S WHAT I REALLY WANT --

NO, HE DOES NOT BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM HAPPY.

WE'RE GONNA GET BETTER BRAKES ON IT, NEW TIRES,

GET A BETTER SAFETY SUIT, AND YOU GET BACK OUT THERE.

YEAH. IT WOULD BE NICE TO HIT THE ROAD AGAIN.

RIGHT, AND, YOU KNOW,

JUST DON'T LEAD WITH YOUR HEAD THIS TIME.

[ DOOR OPENS ] HEY.

OH, WOW, HOW WAS PRACTICE?

BRUTAL.

WHILE THE REST OF THE TEAM WAS WATCHING GAME FILM,

COACH PUNISHED ME BY MAKING ME RUN THE BLEACHERS 50 TIMES...

IN FULL PADS.

AAH, MORE STAIRS.

MAYBE IT'LL BE BETTER TOMORROW.

OH, IT'S DEFINITELY GONNA BE BETTER TOMORROW

BECAUSE I'M QUITTING THE TEAM,

AND DON'T TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER WANTED YOU

TO PLAY FOOTBALL IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT I HATE TO SEE YOU QUIT SOMETHING

JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOING YOUR WAY.

WELL, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE 0-FOR-2.

OW.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

OW.

AH, SCREW IT.

OW! OW! OW! OW!

HEY, KYLE. HI. HEY, MRS. B.

HOW'S YOUR HEAD FEELING? GREAT.

MANDY GOT ME THIS BURN OINTMENT THAT REALLY WORKED WONDERS.

IT ALSO TURNED OUT TO BE PRETTY EFFECTIVE

AT CURING WHAT DOCTORS CALLED

"AN APPALLING CASE OF ATHLETE'S FOOT."

GOOD NEWS.

NOW, ON THE DOWNSIDE,

MY FEET DON'T GET TO BE IN A TEXTBOOK.

OH, KYLE.

YOUR HEAD LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER.

YOU SHOULD SEE MY FEET.

I MADE SOME LEMONADE.

YOU GUYS WANT SOME?

UH, DID YOU USE ORGANIC LEMONS?

CONCENTRATE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULD KNOW THIS.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DID.

I'LL GET THE DRINKS.

SO, HEY, UM, DID YOU FIND ANYBODY

TO BUY YOUR MOTORCYCLE YET?

UH, WELL, YOUR DAD AND I ARE STILL FIXING IT UP.

HOW MUCH ARE YOU GONNA ASK FOR IT?

ACTUALLY, NOTHING.

OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU HOW TO NEGOTIATE,

BUT, UM, YOU MIGHT WANT TO START,

LIKE, A LITTLE BIT HIGHER.

UH, MANDY, I'M NOT SELLING THE BIKE.

BUT WE BOTH AGREED THAT YOU WOULDN'T RIDE ANYMORE.

I KNOW, BUT THEN I REALIZED I'D BE LESS OF A MAN

IF I DIDN'T RIDE MY BIKE

AND EAT DEEP-FRIED CARNIVAL FOOD.

REAL MEN ARE A DYING BREED.

THAT MIGHT BE BECAUSE

OF THE MOTORCYCLES AND THE CARNIVAL FOOD.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO MY DAD.

REALLY? I SOUND THAT SMART?

NO.

YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.

THAT PART'S PROBABLY ME.

LOOK, MANDY,

I DON'T WANT TO STOP RIDING MY MOTORCYCLE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR FOR YOU TO ASK ME TO.

OH, SORRY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE MY WANTING

TO KEEP YOU ALIVE WAS SO UNFAIR.

THAT'S OKAY. I FORGIVE YOU.

I'M REALLY GLAD WE WORKED THIS OUT.

I WAS WORRIED YOU WERE GONNA BE MAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE KYLE IS BEING SO STUBBORN ABOUT THIS.

MANDY IS WORRIED SICK

BECAUSE HE INSISTS ON RIDING THAT MOTORCYCLE.

SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT THAT? MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, HE WON'T DRIVE ON 470 EAST

'CAUSE HE'S AFRAID HE HAS TO PAY A TROLL.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE THIS IS A BIG STEP FOR MANDY.

WORRYING IS THE PRICE YOU PAY

WHEN YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE.

WHICH IS WHY I'M SO CALM ALL THE TIME.

WHY IS SHE TRYING TO CLIP THE DUDE'S WINGS, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER.

YOU DON'T WORRY WHEN I RIDE MY MOTORCYCLE.

WELL, HONEY, KYLE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR GOOD JUDGMENT.

REMEMBER HIS INDOOR BARBECUE PARTY?

[ CHUCKLES ] KYLE DOESN'T.

AND, YES, I DO.

YOU DO WHAT?

WORRY. WORRY.

I WORRY EVERY TIME YOU ROAR DOWN THE DRIVEWAY

ON THAT STUPID MOTORCYCLE.

AND UNTIL I HEAR YOU COME BACK, I HAVE A PIT IN MY STOMACH.

WELL, YOU EAT A LOT OF FRUIT. MAYBE IT IS A PIT.

COME ON, VANESSA. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

YOU SAID YOU'RE OKAY WITH ME RIDING THE MOTORCYCLE. I KNOW. I KNOW, HONEY.

I TRY TO BE, BUT [SIGHS]

WORRYING IS THE PRICE I PAY FOR CARING ABOUT SOMEONE.

YOU KNOW, YOU -- YOU DO DANGEROUS STUFF

I DON'T ALWAYS MENTION.

OH, YEAH? LIKE WHAT?

WALKING AROUND HERE LOOKING LIKE YOU DO.

MM?

WHY DON'T WE GO UPSTAIRS?

NOW?

AH...

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING BEFORE WE ATE HALF A CAKE?

I MEAN...BLAH!

ALL RIGHT, I GET YOUR POINT, YEAH.

BUT LET THE RECORD SHOW...

I wanted to.

Man: TOUCHDOWN, WOODBRIDGE HIGH!

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING THE GAME FILM FOR?

YOUR MOM SAYS YOU'RE GONNA QUIT.

WELL, I LIKE THE PART WHERE I WIN.

OR THE PART WHERE 78 GETS HIS JUNK STEPPED ON.

RIGHT THERE.

OW.

YOU KNOW, THAT FAKE FIELD GOAL IS A GUTSY CALL.

A LOT COULD GO WRONG ON A CALL LIKE THAT, HUH?

FUMBLE THAT SNAP,

OVERTHROW THE RECEIVER, GET SACKED.

THE POINT IS I DIDN'T, SO...

THE POINT IS IF YOU DID,

THE TEAM WOULD HAVE SUFFERED THE CONSEQUENCES.

BUT I DIDN'T.

YOU TOLD THE RECEIVER

TO POST PATTERN INTO THE END ZONE.

WHAT IF HE DECIDED, "WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT TO DO"?

WELL, I TOLD HIM WHAT TO DO.

YEAH, AND YOU WERE COUNTING ON HIM TO LISTEN, RIGHT?

LIKE THE COACH WAS COUNTING ON YOU TO LISTEN

WHEN HE TOLD YOU TO KICK THE FIELD GOAL.

ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO COACH FOSTER?

I'D HAVE TO SEE YOU IN A SeaWorld VISOR.

KID, IF YOU JOIN THE MILITARY,

YOU CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS ON YOUR OWN LIKE THIS.

WAR IS LIFE-AND-DEATH.

THIS IS JUST FOOTBALL.

TELL THAT TO 78.

KID'S FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE RIGHT THERE.

[ GROANS ]

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO QUIT, DO YOU?

I WANT YOU TO STOP COACHING THE TEAM.

LET THE COACH DO THAT,

EVEN IF YOU THINK HE'S DOING A BAD JOB.

[ SIGHS ]

ALL RIGHT. FINE.

I'LL STICK IT OUT.

THAT'S MY BOY.

STILL A GIRL, DAD.

JUST LET ME HAVE THIS.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

WHAT'S WITH THE DOUGHNUTS? YOU'RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE.

MR. ALZATE GAVE UP ON ALL THE HEALTH FOOD.

NOW THE RACCOONS ARE STUCK

WITH ALL THOSE CARROT STICKS AND CELERY.

YOU SHOULD BE THE BIGGER MAN.

RUN DOWN THERE WITH A LITTLE RANCH DRESSING.

Ed: ALL RIGHT.

AND I'LL SEE YOU LATER AT HOME, MY BABY.

OKAY. [ CHUCKLES, SMOOCHES ]

OKAY. HEY, CARE FOR A DOUGHNUT, MA'AM?

OH, NO, THANKS.

I GET ENOUGH SUGAR FROM THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

IS THAT HOW HE GOT YOU INTO THE VAN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

THAT'S MY LADY. LOOK AT HER GO.

WE ALL LIKE TO SEE THAT.

SO, MR. ALZATE, DOES THIS MEAN NO MORE YOGA CLASSES?

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

I'M GONNA STOP TELLING PEOPLE HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIVES.

MIKE WAS RIGHT -- YOU CAN'T STOP OUR EMPLOYEES

FROM ENGAGING IN RISKY BEHAVIOR.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I'VE BEEN ENGAGING IN A LITTLE BIT MYSELF.

WENDI IS PREGNANT.

CONGRATULATIONS, SIR.

WHO'S THE FATHER?

I AM, YOU IDIOT.

I GUESS THOSE CRAFTMATIC ADJUSTABLE BEDS

DO MORE OF THE WORK THAN I THOUGHT.

IT IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR A FIT MAN IN HIS PRIME

TO CONTINUE SIRING CHILDREN.

PICASSO HAD A SON AT 70.

DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE OF THAT KID?

HE'S GOT TWO EARS ON THE SAME SIDE OF HIS HEAD.

WELL, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, MR. ALZATE. YEAH.

THIS IS A WONDERFUL THING, MIKE.

COME ON. THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE TO HAVE A SON.

IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DO A LOT OF THINGS.

YOU'LL BE GOING OUT WHEN THE KID'S COMING IN.

MAYBE YOU CAN WAVE AT HIM

IN THAT WEIRD TUNNEL THEY TALK ABOUT.

"HEY."

YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUIN THIS FOR ME, MIKE.

YOU CAN MAKE ALL THE JOKES YOU WANT.

OKAY, HOW ABOUT WENDI?

SHE'LL BE, YOU KNOW, CLEANING DIAPERS

AND WIPING UP DROOL AND TAKING CARE OF THE BABY.

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

I WASN'T.

ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT ABOUT TO START NOW.

JUST A SECOND. JUST A SECOND HERE.

HERE YOU ARE RIGHT HERE.

SOMETHING TO SOAK UP THE ALCOHOL.

HOLD MY CALLS.

[ DOOR CLOSES ] WELL, I GUESS WE CAN GO BACK TO BEING RISK-TAKERS.

I WAS WORRIED MR. ALZATE WAS GONNA TELL ME

I COULDN'T RIDE MY MOTORCYCLE ANYMORE.

ONLY ONE PERSON CAN MAKE THAT DECISION FOR YOU.

ME. NO, ME.

AND I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD RIDE THAT MOTORCYCLE ANYMORE.

IS THIS BECAUSE OF OBAMACARE?

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO BLAME OBAMA

BECAUSE LITERALLY EVERYTHING'S HIS FAULT.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT THAT.

IT'S ABOUT SOMEBODY IN YOUR LIFE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY WHO'S WORRIED SICK,

FRIGHTENED THAT YOU MIGHT GET HURT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I GET IT. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

OKAY. I LOVE YOU, TOO, MR. B.

Ed: OH, MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?!

NOW HE'S THINKING ABOUT IT.

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE FOR OUTDOOR MAN

WITH A WORD ON THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

YOWCH!

IF NOTHING ELSE,

IT SHOULD MOTIVATE US TO NEVER GET SICK.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE A LOT OF CRAZY IDEAS

HOW TO STAY HEALTHY.

AND NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR HOW MISERABLE IT MAKES THEM,

THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING, RIGHT?

"OH, YEAH, I-I-I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER."

FOR INSTANCE, LEMON WATER,

MAPLE SYRUP, AND A DASH OF CAYENNE PEPPER.

THIS IS CALLED "THE MASTER CLEANSE."

SOUTH OF THE BORDER, IT'S JUST CALLED "TAP WATER."

I CALL IT "DON'T STAND BETWEEN ME AND A BATHROOM."

YOU DRINK NOTHING BUT THIS FOR 10 STRAIGHT DAYS --

WHAT DO THE SURVIVORS SAY WHEN THEY'RE FINISHED?

"I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER."

MY QUESTION IS, HOW BAD WERE YOU FEELING BEFORE?

DO YOU REMEMBER JIM FIXX?

PRETTY MUCH INVENTED JOGGING, JIM.

MM-HMM. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HE INVENTED?

DROPPING DEAD WHILE JOGGING.

YOU KNOW WHAT HIS LAST WORDS WERE

AS HE WAS LYING ON THE PAVEMENT, CLUTCHING HIS CHEST?

"I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE FELT BETTER."

ANYTHING GOOD OR BAD TAKEN TO EXTREME IS BAD.

NIKE'S MOTTO IS "JUST DO IT."

NOT JUST "DO IT UNTIL YOU'RE LYING ON THE SIDEWALK

AND SOMEONE'S STANDING OVER YOU GOING,

'HEY! AREN'T YOU JIM FIXX?'"