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1
00:00:01,968 --> 00:00:03,035
"LAST MAN STANDING"WAS RECORDED
2
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:06,605
IN FRONT OF A LIVESTUDIO AUDIENCE.
3
00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:09,842
OKAY, WHAT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
DO WE WANT TO RETIRE?
4
00:00:09,844 --> 00:00:12,378
RUTH BADER GINSBERG.
5
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,847
NICE, AND WHAT ARE
THE FIVE JUSTICES
6
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:16,882
THAT WE WANT TO STAY ON
FOREVER?
7
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:19,852
DON'T TELL ME.
I KNOW THIS ONE.
8
00:00:19,854 --> 00:00:22,454
A LITTLE HINT. REMEMBER?
THE STAR METHOD -- S.T.A.R.
9
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,556
WHO ARE THE STARS
OF THE SUPREME COURT?
10
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,893
SCALIA, THOMAS, ALITO,
AND ROBERTS.
11
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:31,030
SOMETIMES KENNEDY WHEN
HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO THE LADIES,
12
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:32,197
WHICH IS A TRICK
YOU'LL LEARN
13
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:34,566
WHEN YOU GET
A LITTLE OLDER, RIGHT?
14
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:35,901
WHAT IS THAT UP THERE?
15
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:39,605
GRANDPA, LOOK OUT!
16
00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,576
OH, MAN. ARE YOU GOOD?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
17
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,245
[ SIGHS ] YES.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
18
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:49,048
HOLD ON A SECOND.
19
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:50,749
GET BACK IN THERE.
SIT BACK DOWN.
20
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:53,318
OKAY. LISTEN.
21
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,320
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
22
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:58,991
YES, EXCEPT FOR WHEN YOU
KARATE-CHOPPED ME IN THE CHEST.
23
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:00,826
I HAD TO KEEP YOUR BIG NUGGET
FROM LEANING FORWARD.
24
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:01,927
IT MIGHT HAVE TIPPED US
25
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,495
RIGHT INTO
THAT BIG HOLE OVER THERE.
26
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:06,498
THAT'S
A REALLY BIG HOLE.
27
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,000
IT SURE IS. WE FALL IN THERE,
WE GO RIGHT TO CHINA.
28
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,569
I'D BE A COMMUNIST. YOU'D
BE MAKING SNEAKERS SOMEWHERE.
29
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,438
HOLD ON HERE A SECOND.
30
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,506
WOMAN:
911. What's your emergency?
31
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:20,079
UH...WELL, WE'D LIKE TO REPORT
A -- A MISSING HIGHWAY.
32
00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:24,116
-- Captions by VITAC --
33
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,921
[ TV CHATTER ]
OH, HEY.
34
00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:30,956
THEY GET TO THE REPORT
ON THE SINKHOLE YET?
35
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,791
NO. [ SIGHS ]
STILL ON THE MIDDLE EAST.
36
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,193
ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD
37
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:36,595
WHERE WE'RE KICKING ASS
AND TAKING NAMES.
[ CHUCKLES ]
38
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,530
IT'S FUNNY -- ONE THING
WE KNOW ABOUT THESE TERRORISTS,
39
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,066
THEY SURE LOVE
THE MONKEY BARS.
40
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,268
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT HERE. RIGHT THERE.
THERE'S THE SINKHOLE.
OH.
41
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:44,369
LOOK AT THIS THING.
42
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:46,238
OH, MY GOD, IT'S HUGE.
[ Chuckling ] YEAH.
43
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,240
HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
HOW BIG IT WAS?
44
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:49,408
I DIDN'T SEE IT.
MY EYES WERE CLOSED.
45
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:51,577
I WAS SCREAMING
WHEN I GOT UP TO IT.
46
00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:55,280
THAT COVER COLLAPSE
IS PRETTY LARGE FOR THIS AREA.
47
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,116
I HOPE THEY'VE TAKEN
A MONTMORILLONITE SAMPLE
48
00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,383
FROM THE EPIKARST.
RIGHT.
49
00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:00,552
WE GET IT --
YOU'RE A GEOLOGIST.
50
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,322
AND YET THERE'S A 50/50 CHANCE
SHE'S MAKING THOSE TERMS UP.
51
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:04,756
OH, HA HA HA.
WE WOULDN'T KNOW.
52
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:07,059
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GUYS
DIDN'T GO FLYING OFF THE EDGE
53
00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:08,260
LIKE THE END
OF "THELMA AND LOUISE," DAD.
54
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:09,261
PHEW!
55
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:11,096
I ACTUALLY CRIED
AT THE END OF THAT.
56
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:15,000
WHAT A SHAME WHAT THEY DID
TO THAT T-BIRD.
57
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,503
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT
MORE SHAKEN UP ABOUT THIS.
58
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:18,737
I MEAN, LOOK.
YOU COULD HAVE DIED.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
59
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,939
I'M KIND OF USED TO CHEATING
THE OLD GRIM REAPER.
60
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,742
REMEMBER THAT TIME I SLIPPED
ROCK CLIMBING IN CHILE,
61
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,478
CAPSIZED THAT BOAT IN
THOSE CLASS-4 RAPIDS IN OREGON,
62
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,114
AND ROOTING FOR THE BRONCOS
AT A BAR IN OAKLAND.
63
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,083
MM. WELL...
64
00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:32,251
I'LL TELL YOU,
IF IT HAPPENED TO ME,
65
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,952
I'D BE HALFWAY THROUGH
A BOTTLE OF WINE RIGHT NOW.
66
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,420
SO, THIS HAPPENS TO YOU
EVERY NIGHT ABOUT 8:00?
67
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,356
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
68
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,191
HEY, YOU WANT ANOTHER CHANCE
TO CHEAT THE REAPER? HMM?
69
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:40,659
WHY DON'T COME AT ME
AFTER 8:00?
OKAY.
70
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,528
YOU'RE A LITTLE WOBBLY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
71
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:45,998
I CANNOT BELIEVE THE TRAFFIC
GETTING HOME FROM SCHOOL TODAY.
72
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,933
IS PRESIDENT OBAMA
IN TOWN AGAIN.
73
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:51,703
NO. THAT WOULD BE
ANOTHER KIND OF DISASTER.
74
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,939
THERE WAS A SINKHOLE
ON ROUTE 93.
75
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,007
IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS.
76
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:56,375
THE NEWS? YEAH, SORRY!
77
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,710
IF IT'S NOT TRENDING ON TWITTER,
IT DOESN'T EXIST.
78
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:01,780
OH, MY GOD!
SINKHOLE IN DENVER.
79
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:03,649
[ CHUCKLES ]
SOMEBODY MADE A FUNNY VINE
80
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,150
OF, LIKE, A TRUCK FLYING
IN AND OUT OF IT.
81
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,985
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE IT.
82
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,120
BOYD? BUDDY?
83
00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:09,121
MIKE, WHERE'S BOYD?
OH, MY GOD, IS HE --
84
00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:10,222
Mike: GUYS, HE'S FINE.
85
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,624
BOYD, MY BABY!
THANK GOD YOU'RE OKAY. OH.
86
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,960
OH, MOMMY AND DADDY
LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, BUDDY.
SO MUCH!
87
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,161
OH, THIS REMINDS ME
OF THAT TIME
88
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:17,796
I ALMOST GOT CRUSHED
BY AN ANACONDA.
89
00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:20,532
GRANDPA SAVED ME.
OH, YEAH?
GOOD KID.
90
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,501
GO GET YOUR STUFF,
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY?
YEAH.
91
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:23,635
MIKE.
YEAH.
92
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,170
YOU SAVED
MY SON'S LIFE TODAY.
93
00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,505
OH. OHH!
BUT WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME?
94
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:27,639
WHY DO --
WHY THIS? WHY THIS?
95
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,474
OKAY. JUST ACCEPT IT, OKAY?
HE'S GRATEFUL.
96
00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:31,210
WE BOTH ARE.
97
00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:33,812
OH, AND, UH, VANESSA, WE HAVE TO
THANK YOU FOR TODAY, TOO.
98
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,581
OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE,
BUT I WASN'T EVEN THERE.
99
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,749
OH, NO, THE REASON THAT BOYD
WAS IN ANY DANGER AT ALL
100
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,251
WAS BECAUSE OF
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
101
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:40,986
GRANDMOTHERS?
102
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:44,056
RYAN, WHAT DID WE TALK ABOUT
ON THE RIDE OVER HERE, HUH?
103
00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:46,058
UH, THE FACT THAT PAXON ENERGY,
YOUR COMPANY,
104
00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:47,726
HAS BEEN DRILLING
ALL OVER THAT AREA,
105
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,860
AND THERE IS
MOUNTING EVIDENCE
106
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,529
THAT FRACKING
LEADS TO SINKHOLES.
107
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:51,763
[ SIGHS ] BUT MOSTLY,
108
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,732
WE TALKED ABOUT
YOU NOT BRINGING THAT UP.
109
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,168
HER COMPANY
ALMOST KILLED OUR SON!
110
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,202
WHAT?! OH, COME ON!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
111
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,570
WAY OUT OF LINE THERE,
112
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,005
BLAMING PAXON OIL FOR THIS
OR VANESSA.
113
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:01,607
YEAH, THANK YOU.
114
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,575
THEY NEVER LISTEN TO HER
DOWN THERE.
115
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:07,546
YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY DO A LITTLE
BETTER THERE THAN I DO HERE.
116
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:10,249
LOOK, RYAN,
COVER-COLLAPSE DEPRESSIONS
117
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,550
ARE NATURALLY OCCURRING
EVENTS.
118
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,285
THEY HAVE EXISTED
FOREVER.
119
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:14,620
SHE'S RIGHT,
120
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,021
AND BEFORE YOU CRYING LIBERALS
GOT INVOLVED IN IT,
121
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,724
THAT WAS JUST NATURE'S...
FREE SWIMMING POOLS.
122
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,692
OKAY, BUT SINKHOLES
HAVE INCREASED EXPONENTIALLY,
123
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,394
AND NOW THEY'RE
OPENING UP EVERYWHERE.
124
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:25,264
NO, NO, YOU'RE CONFUSING
SINKHOLES WITH WEED STORES.
125
00:04:26,466 --> 00:04:28,233
MAYBE WE SHOULD
TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.
MAYBE.
126
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,534
OR MAYBE BOYD
SHOULD HEAR THE TRUTH
127
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:31,370
ABOUT THE WORLD
THAT HE IS GOING TO INHERIT.
128
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,971
WHY DON'T WE HEAR YOUR VERSION
OF THE TRUTH, RYAN?
129
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,140
WHAT -- WHAT DO THEY CALL IT
IN RUSSIA -- PRAVDA?
130
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:37,976
LOOK, LOOK, RYAN,
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE
131
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,544
LINKING SINKHOLES
TO FRACKING.
132
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:40,579
SURE,
OF COURSE THERE'S NOT
133
00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:42,047
BECAUSE YOU WORK
FOR BIG ENERGY...
134
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,215
NO! I JUST MEANT THAT --
...AND THEY'RE
IN THE BUSINESS
135
00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,383
OF PICKING AND CHOOSING
THEIR SCIENCE
136
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,884
TO PROTECT THEIR PROFITS.
137
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,453
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR SCIENCE --
DR. BILL MAHER?
138
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:51,123
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR SCIENCE --
DR. BILL O'REILLY?
139
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,324
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
140
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,558
LET'S NOT TURN THIS INTO
A BILL-MEASURING CONTEST.
141
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:54,793
WHY DON'T WE?
142
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,128
'CAUSE MY BILL IS A LOT BIGGER
THAN YOUR BILL.
143
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,496
OKAY, HONEY --
144
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,331
WHY EVEN ARGUE, OKAY?
YOU CAN'T SETTLE ANYTHING.
145
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:00,832
EVERYONE HAS
THEIR OWN SET OF FACTS
146
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,435
AND A CABLE CHANNEL TO BACK UP
THE OPINION THAT HE ALREADY HAS.
147
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,971
OKAY? NO WONDER NOBODY KNOWS
WHO'S RIGHT AND WHO'S WRONG.
148
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,439
I KNOW WHO'S WRONG --
HE'S WRONG.
149
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,474
OKAY, WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE OTHER CONSEQUENCES
150
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,109
OF PUMPING CHEMICALS
INTO THE EARTH?
151
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,811
YOU MEAN LIKE
LIGHTING AND HEATING OUR HOMES?
152
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,279
UH, NO,
LIKE EARTHQUAKES...
RYAN...
153
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:15,447
...METHANE RELEASED
INTO THE ATMOSPHERE --
154
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,449
BIRD FARTS?
155
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:20,118
FIRE COMING OUT OF THE FAUCETS
LIKE DRAGON'S BREATH.
156
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,321
"FIRE OUT OF THE FAUCETS"?
157
00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:24,256
OH, NO, HONEY.
NO, IT'S FINE.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
158
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:25,657
WE SHOULD ALL
BE SCARED, MIKE.
159
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,092
OUR WORLD
IS A TICKING TIME BOMB.
160
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,193
YOU'RE
A TICKING TIME BOMB.
161
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,628
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.
162
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:30,962
LET'S GO, SWEETIE.
I DON'T WANT TO
GO OUT THERE.
163
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:34,266
WHAT IF THERE'S
ANOTHER SINKHOLE?
OH, NO.
164
00:05:34,268 --> 00:05:35,934
BUDDY, IT IS SILLY TO BE SCARED
OF GOING OUTSIDE, OKAY?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
165
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,302
ANOTHER SINKHOLE
COULD JUST AS EASILY
166
00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:38,637
OPEN UP RIGHT HERE
IN THIS ROOM.
167
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,605
OHH.
WHAT?
168
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:45,344
UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU JUST TERRIFIED OUR SON.
169
00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:46,645
HEY, I GOT AN IDEA --
WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS
170
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,480
AND TELL HIM ABOUT THE MONSTERS
UNDER HIS BED,
171
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:50,582
'CAUSE HE'S GOT TO KNOW
THE TRUTH, RIGHT, COMRADE?
172
00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:08,400
THANK YOU, SINKHOLE.
[ SMOOCHES ]
173
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,569
YES, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
A NATURAL DISASTER
174
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,204
TO BRING OUT
THE PREPPIES, HUH?
175
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,238
PREPPERS.
176
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,073
PREPPIES WEAR CARDIGANS
AROUND THEIR NECK.
177
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,075
PREPPERS WEAR
THE GOAT THEY JUST SHOT FOR MEAT
178
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,543
AROUND THEIR NECK.
179
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,911
EITHER WAY, WE'RE MOVING
180
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,214
A LOT OF FLASHLIGHTS
AND SURVIVAL FOOD.
181
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:23,749
I'M SURPRISED
YOU'RE NOT SELLING THEM GUNS.
182
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:24,883
WHAT GOOD'S A FLASHLIGHT
183
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,251
WHEN THE HORDES
ARE BANGING DOWN YOUR DOOR
184
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:29,554
TO GET YOUR FREEZE-DRIED...
"KIWI COMPOTE"?
185
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,922
YOU'VE GOT
A WELL-STOCKED SHELTER
186
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,357
IN YOUR BASEMENT,
DON'T YOU, MIKE?
187
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:34,760
OH, DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT, MAN.
188
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,428
YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,
BUT WHEN THE END COMES,
189
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:39,731
YOU'RE JUST 160 POUNDS
OF PROTEIN TO ME.
190
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:43,402
WELL, WE'RE, UH,
BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE THEN.
191
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:44,736
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
192
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,738
LISTEN, PEOPLE ARE JUST
OVERREACTING TO THIS STUFF.
193
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,074
IT'S A SINKHOLE.
IT'S NOT THE END OF TIME.
194
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:52,911
NOPE. MY PASTOR TOLD US THAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN ON MARCH 13th.
195
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,947
MARCH 13th? THAT MEANS WE AVOID
PAYING TAXES IN APRIL!
196
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,549
GET YOUR CONGREGATION
OVER HERE.
197
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,251
I'LL GET THEM
THROUGH THE APOCALYPSE.
198
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:00,952
AND WITH
THIS WATER PURIFIER,
199
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:04,289
THEY CAN DRINK
THEIR OWN PEE, HMM?
200
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,859
OR RIVER WATER
OR LAKE WATER.
201
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:11,363
BUT BY ALL MEANS,
USE THE PEE AS A SELLING POINT.
202
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:12,864
THIS IS JUST
FEAR-MONGERING,
203
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,199
AND I DON'T APPRECIATE IT,
YOU KNOW?
204
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:15,767
BOYD'S DAD WAS OVER
LAST NIGHT,
205
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,370
GOT THE KID ALL WHIPPED UP
OVER SOME ENVIRONMENTAL STUFF.
206
00:07:18,372 --> 00:07:21,206
THE KID WOULDN'T LEAVE MY HOUSE.
SLEPT AT THE FOOT OF MY BED.
207
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,308
NO, YOU CAN'T INDULGE YOUR CHILD
IN THOSE FEARS.
208
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,476
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT ACTUALLY WORKED OUT.
209
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,710
HE WAS WARM DOWN THERE,
210
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:28,880
AND MY WIFE'S FEET ARE LIKE
THE POLAR ICE CAPS.
211
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,816
WHICH SCIENTISTS SAY
ARE MELTING. [ CHUCKLES ]
212
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:33,218
I ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED A LINK
ON GLOBAL WARMING.
213
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:36,121
I THOUGHT IT SAID
"GERBIL WARMING."
214
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:39,658
WHAT'S THE SCIENTISTS' POSITION
ON GERBIL WARMING?
215
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:40,826
[ SIGHS ]
216
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:44,162
THOSE WEBSITES
ARE DISTURBING.
217
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,031
THERE'S GOT TO BE BETTER WAYS
TO WARM A GERBIL.
218
00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:51,837
IN MY DAY, KIDS WERE NOT
ALLOWED TO BE AFRAID.
219
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:54,339
I REMEMBER ONCE I TOLD MY DAD
I WAS SCARED OF LIGHTNING.
220
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,174
RIGHT.
YEAH, NEXT TIME
THERE WAS A STORM,
221
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,510
HE MADE ME STAND
IN THE BACKYARD...
222
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:01,246
WRAPPED IN TIN FOIL.
223
00:08:02,582 --> 00:08:05,283
THE REST OF THE STORY'S
A LITTLE FUZZY, BUT...
224
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:09,054
I THINK WE FOUND ANOTHER WAY
TO WARM UP A GERBIL.
225
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:15,327
[ TV CHATTER ]
226
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,863
DIDN'T YOU ALREADY WATCH
THIS EPISODE?
227
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:20,532
IT'S THE NEWS.
228
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,667
IT'S DIFFERENT
EVERY NIGHT.
229
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,936
SAD PLACES, SAD PEOPLE --
LOOKS LIKE A RERUN TO ME.
230
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,304
[ CHUCKLES ]
231
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:29,441
WELL, STICK AROUND. YOU'LL LEARN
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORLD.
232
00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:30,809
I KNOW
ALL ABOUT THE WORLD.
233
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,143
I WAS ALREADY IN IT
234
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:36,448
WHILE YOU WERE STILL BUSY
RUINING MOM'S BODY. [ CHUCKLES ]
235
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:38,817
UM...WHO'S
THE SECRETARY OF STATE?
236
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,352
OH,
THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION.
237
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:41,853
WHICH STATE?
[ SMACKS LIPS ]
238
00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:44,856
SEE, YOU GUYS
ALL WATCH THE NEWS,
239
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,958
YOU GET ALL ANGRY
AND STRESSED-OUT.
240
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,194
POP QUIZ -- OF EVERYBODY
IN THIS FAMILY,
241
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,263
WHO'S THE HAPPIEST
AND THE LEAST STRESSED?
242
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,698
AND YOU CAN'T SAY
THE DOG.
243
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:56,401
MM-HMM. IT'S ME.
244
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:58,570
THIS FACE WILL NEVER SEE
A WORRY WRINKLE,
245
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,138
WHICH WOULD
MAKE ME SMILE,
246
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,708
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BECAUSE,
DUH, SMILE LINES.
247
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:07,245
SO, YOUR PLAN
IS TO BE CLUELESS?
248
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:11,049
"IGNORANCE IS BLISS" --
THOMAS GRAY
249
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:14,152
IN HIS "ODE ON A DISTANT
PROSPECT OF ETON COLLEGE."
250
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:18,156
YOU GET THOSE QUOTE-OF-THE-DAY
E-MAILS, DON'T YOU?
251
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,424
IF YOU KNOW
THE RIGHT THINGS,
252
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:20,926
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
KNOW EVERYTHING.
253
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,228
OH, FOR INSTANCE, THAT WHOLE,
LIKE, SECRETARY THINGY,
254
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,730
THEY ACTUALLY DON'T CALL THEM
SECRETARIES ANYMORE.
255
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,266
THEY REALLY PREFER
"FLIGHT ATTENDANT." JUST SAYING.
256
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:29,568
HEY, BUDDY.
257
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,636
NO!
258
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:36,608
BOYD! WHERE --
WHERE'S BOYD?
259
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:40,612
SOMETHING SHORT AND HALF-NAKED
JUST RAN DOWNSTAIRS.
260
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:44,516
MANDY'S HERE, SO...
I GUESS IT WAS BOYD.
261
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:46,618
[ SIGHS ]
262
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,086
I TOLD HIM
I'D RUN HIM A BATH,
263
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,354
BUT THEN HE GOT SCARED
264
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,789
THAT DRAGON FIRE WOULD
COME OUT OF THE FAUCET.
265
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,725
I'M SORRY.
IS THAT ACTUALLY A THING?
266
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,894
'CAUSE I WOULD FROWN,
267
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:58,096
BUT THAT'S EVEN WORSE
THAN SMILE LINES, SO...
268
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:04,035
BOYD! HEY, COME ON!
LET ME IN!
269
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,370
THIS ISN'T SAFE.
270
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,072
Boyd: GRANDPA SAID
THE BOMB SHELTER'S
271
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:11,242
THE SAFEST PLACE
IN THE HOUSE!
272
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,211
HONEY, PLEASE.
PLEASE LET ME IN.
273
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:16,548
GRANDPA ALSO SAID
PEOPLE WOULD BEG TO BE LET IN.
274
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,783
KID'S GOT A POINT.
275
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:22,487
JOE BIDEN WISHES HIS BUNKER
WAS AS NICE AS OURS.
276
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:24,489
THAT'S THE VICE PRESIDENT,
MANDY.
MM.
277
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,058
OKAY. I KNOW
WHO JOE BIDEN IS, OKAY?
278
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:30,895
HE'S BARACK OBAMA'S GAYLE.
279
00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:33,565
MOM [SCOFFS] ALL OF
MY SEWING STUFF IS IN THERE.
280
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,233
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
MAKE MY CLOTHES?
281
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:37,302
HEY! DON'T TOUCH
ANY OF MY STUFF!
282
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,070
LET'S NOT PANIC, OKAY?
283
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,172
YEAH, SOMEHOW,
WE'LL ALL HAVE TO PULL TOGETHER
284
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:44,676
AND SURVIVE
THE GREAT ROMPER FAMINE OF 2014.
285
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,511
LOOK,
HE'LL GET HUNGRY AND COLD.
286
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,246
SOONER OR LATER,
HE'LL OPEN THE DOOR.
287
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,514
MM, I DON'T KNOW.
288
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,516
THERE'S ENOUGH FABRIC
AND FREEZE-DRIED FOOD IN THERE
289
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,518
TO KEEP HIM WARM AND FED
THROUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL.
290
00:10:55,521 --> 00:10:57,255
GREAT --
HE'S GONNA GO THROUGH PUBERTY,
291
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:59,524
AND I HAVE MANNEQUINS
IN THERE.
292
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,426
WHAT?
293
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:06,865
WHOA,
DON'T YOU LOOK GOOD?
294
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,700
AH, YEAH, THANK YOU.
295
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,368
[ CHUCKLES ]
HI, HONEY.
296
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:13,538
I WAS ACTUALLY
TALKING TO THE COOKIES.
297
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,473
THEY'RE FOR BOYD.
298
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,275
OOH. WHY IS BOYD
STILL HERE?
299
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,045
WELL, HE SPENT THE DAY
LOCKED IN THE BOMB SHELTER.
300
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:23,214
SOMEBODY TOLD HIM IT'S
THE SAFEST PLACE IN THE HOUSE.
301
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,717
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST GO GET HIM?
302
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:26,951
WELL,
I'M WORKING ON IT.
303
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:28,119
I WAS HOPING
TO DRAW HIM OUT
304
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,621
WITH THE SMELL
OF FRESHLY BAKED COOKIES.
305
00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:31,556
THAT'S HOW
THEY LURED SADDAM HUSSEIN
306
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,692
OUT OF THAT SPIDER HOLE.
307
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:36,861
I'LL GO GET HIM.
308
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,229
WELL, I DON'T THINK
THERE'S ANY HURRY.
309
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:39,964
THE SCRATCHING ON THE DOOR
STOPPED 20 MINUTES AGO.
310
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,236
HEY, YOU'RE
WASTING YOUR TIME.
311
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,906
I HAVE BEEN ASKING HIM
TO OPEN THAT DOOR ALL DAY.
312
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,374
BOYD, OPEN THE DOOR.
313
00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:54,179
YEAH, HE PROBABLY SMELLED COOKIE
ON YOUR BREATH.
314
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,247
COME ON OUT OF THERE.
315
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,649
DON'T MAKE ME DRAG YOU
UP THE STAIRS.
316
00:11:57,651 --> 00:11:59,484
WHY? DOES YOUR BACK
HURT AGAIN?
317
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,585
YEAH. IT'S 6:00 --
EVERYTHING HURTS.
318
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:01,786
SO, GET OUT OF THERE.
COME ON.
319
00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:04,589
WHAT DO GOT ON?
320
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:07,592
THERE WAS A BUNCH OF THEM.
IT WAS COLD.
321
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,160
DOES IT LOOK STUPID?
322
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,962
I THINK YOU WERE PRETTY SMART
TO STAY IN THERE.
323
00:12:12,264 --> 00:12:15,100
YOUR MOM AND DAD MISS YOU.
THEY WANT YOU TO COME HOME.
324
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,235
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME.
IT'S SAFE HERE.
325
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,937
"IT'S SAFE HERE."
WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING --
326
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:22,674
LOOK, I GOT TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU, KID. THE WORLD'S
A SCARY PLACE, YOU KNOW?
327
00:12:22,676 --> 00:12:25,443
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT ME MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING.
328
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,345
BUT IT'S PROBABLY TOO SCARY.
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD TELL HIM.
329
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,613
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE.
330
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,014
YEAH, I DON'T THINK
I SHOULD TELL HIM.
331
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:32,250
GETS MORE UNBELIEVABLE
EVERY TIME YOU TELL IT.
332
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,352
I'M NOT GONNA TELL HIM.
I'M NOT GONNA TELL HIM.
333
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:36,121
I WANT TO HEAR IT.
PLE-E-E-ASE?
334
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,455
NO, I CAN'T. I CAN'T.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU.
335
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,458
LISTEN, I WAS CLIMBING ONE TIME
IN THE ADIRONDACKS,
336
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,427
AND THEY HAD THIS ROCK FACE,
AND I WAS CLIMBING.
337
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,629
WELL, THE GUY DIDN'T HAVE ME,
AND I STARTED FALLING.
338
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:45,697
WHOA.
339
00:12:45,699 --> 00:12:47,532
WHOA? IT'S MORE LIKE...
[ SCREAMS ]
340
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,969
AND THEN I GOT SLAMMED DOWN
ON THIS LEDGE, SAVED MY LIFE.
341
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:53,438
WOW!
YOU WERE REALLY LUCKY.
342
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,474
YEAH, A LOT LUCKIER
THAN THE BALD EAGLE I LANDED ON.
343
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,476
BALD EAGLE?
344
00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,978
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE SPARROW?
345
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,213
THE BALD EAGLE
HAD EATEN THE SPARROW.
346
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,982
OH.
347
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:06,785
POINT IS,
I WASN'T JUST LUCKY.
348
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:08,987
GOD IS LOOKING OUT
FOR US.
349
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,122
MM-HMM. YEAH,
JUST LIKE AT THE SINKHOLE.
350
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,657
REMEMBER?
IS THAT TRUE, GRANDMA?
351
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,058
OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.
352
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,493
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M
A SCIENTIST. THAT'S A FACT.
353
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,396
OKAY? NOW, LET'S GO ON
AND TAKE YOU HOME.
354
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:21,166
OKAY, GRANDPA.
YOU CAN TAKE ME HOME.
355
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,501
[ CHUCKLES ]
SHOULD I CHANGE?
356
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,837
I THINK YOU NEED SOMETHING
TO PULL THE OUTFIT TOGETHER.
357
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,839
OTHERWISE, YOU GO
IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.
358
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:31,442
OKAY, COME ON. LET'S GO.
LET'S GET IN SOMETHING RIGHT.
359
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:34,412
NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE INTO
SOME REAL CLOTHES, ALL RIGHT?
360
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,414
SO, FIRST IT WAS A SPARROW,
THEN IT WAS AN EAGLE.
361
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,183
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA LAND ON
NEXT -- AN OSTRICH?
362
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,484
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING
363
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,486
I'D SLIP OFF AN ICE CLIFF
RIGHT ONTO A HARP SEAL.
364
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:42,754
OKAY.
365
00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:44,255
HEY.
366
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,256
OH, HI.
367
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,691
HAS, UH,
BOYD CALMED DOWN.
368
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:47,959
[ CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY ]
369
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,295
UH, WELL, HE DID SPEND THE DAY
HIDING IN THE BASEMENT.
370
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,630
OKAY.
DID HE COME OUT?
371
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,499
WELL, YOU KEEP TAKING THAT KID
TO THE BALLET,
372
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,167
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
373
00:13:57,369 --> 00:13:59,470
HE'S UPSTAIRS
GETTING CHANGED.
374
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:00,538
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
375
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:01,840
WHAT DID YOU SAY
TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE?
376
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:04,275
WELL, FACTS DIDN'T WORK,
SO WE TRIED A LITTLE FAITH.
377
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:07,111
MORE OF YOUR BOGUS "GOD
IS WATCHING OVER US" FAIRY TALE?
378
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:10,181
YOU MEAN THE BASIS OF WESTERN
CIVILIZATION -- THAT FAIRY TALE?
379
00:14:11,650 --> 00:14:14,052
THE REST OF THE FAMILY'S GONNA
MISS YOU UP IN HEAVEN, RYAN.
380
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:18,289
UH, YOUR DAD'S
GONNA TAKE YOU HOME, OKAY?
381
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,691
HEY, BUDDY, I'M GONNA
TAKE YOU HOME, ALL RIGHT?
382
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,060
I THOUGHT GRANDPA
WAS GONNA TAKE ME.
UH --
383
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,294
NO, YOU'RE JUST GONNA
COME WITH ME.
YEAH.
384
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:26,464
THEN I'M STAYING HERE,
WITH GRANDPA WHERE IT'S SAFE.
385
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,199
BUDDY,
YOU ARE SAFE WITH ME.
386
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,868
YOU'RE SAFE WITH HIM.
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
387
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:33,037
IS GOD WATCHING
OVER YOU, TOO?
388
00:14:34,506 --> 00:14:38,176
WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE IN AN
ANTHROPOMORPHIC DEITY, PER SE.
389
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:41,646
I RECOGNIZE A MORE UNIVERSAL,
SPIRITUAL CONNECTIVITY.
390
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,882
THEN I'M STAYING HERE
WITH GRANDPA AND GOD!
391
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:46,651
BOYD! HEY! HEY!
392
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:50,588
ALL RIGHT. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED
TO DO -- LIE TO THE KID?
393
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:54,859
NO, I THINK
YOU HANDLED THAT PERFECTLY.
394
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,961
SEE?
LYING IS EASY.
395
00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:07,906
Mike: HEY. MIKE BAXTER HEREFOR OUTDOOR MAN.
396
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,908
PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXONONCE SAID,
397
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,610
"PEOPLE REACT TO FEAR,NOT LOVE."
398
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,045
EASY FOR HIM TO SAY
399
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:15,580
BECAUSE HE WAS KIND OF SCARYAND NOBODY LOVED HIM.
400
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,048
BUT NIXON'S RIGHT --
401
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,416
TO GET PEOPLE TO DOWHAT YOU WANT,
402
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,550
SCARE THE HECK OUT OF THEM.
403
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:20,919
FOR EXAMPLE,
404
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,720
HAVE A BUNCH OF SCIENTISTSCONVINCE EVERYONE
405
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:25,056
THE WORLD'S CLIMATEIS CHANGING.
406
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:28,426
NOW, WE USED TO CALL THATTHE SEASONS.
407
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,062
THANK YOU, AL GORE,NOT FOR YOUR INCONVENIENT TRUTH
408
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:35,199
BUT FOR YOUR CONVENIENT FIBTHAT YOU CREATED THE INTERNET?
409
00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:36,200
WOW.
410
00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:37,702
THE GREATEST DEVICE IN HISTORY
411
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,370
FOR SPREADING FEAR,HALF-TRUTHS,
412
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:41,239
AND VIDEOS OFCATS ATTACKING TODDLERS.
413
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,541
[ BABY CRIES, CAT HISSES ]
414
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,410
YEARS AGO,IF A GUY PUT ON A ROBE
415
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,979
AND STOOD ON A STREET CORNERWITH A SIGN SAYING,
416
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,147
"THE END IS NEAR,"
417
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:51,282
IT WAS EASY TO JUST SAYHE WAS BANANAS.
418
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,717
WELL, NOW THAT SAME DUDE
419
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,919
CAN HIDE BEHIND A SLICK WEBSITEIN HIS MOM'S BASEMENT.
420
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:59,090
AND AS FAR AS WE KNOW,HE'S WALTER CRONKITE.
421
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:00,325
I HAVE AN IDEA --
422
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,793
LET'S STOP BELIEVINGTHE FEAR-MONGERS.
423
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,294
MAYBE NIXON WAS WRONG.
424
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:06,731
MAYBE PEOPLE CAN BE MOTIVATEDBY LOVE.
425
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,833
AND I BET YOU WILL LOVE
426
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:12,136
SAVING 20%OFF A SONAR FISH FINDER.
427
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:14,138
I DON'T WANT TO SPREADANY FEAR HERE.
428
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,473
BUT IF YOU'RE A TROUT,
429
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:19,243
THIS THING DOES MEANTHE END IS NEAR.
430
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:22,013
HEY, MR. B.
431
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:24,849
YOU KNOW, THE MORE I HEAR
YOU TALK ABOUT RICHARD NIXON,
432
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,251
THE MORE I THINK HISTORY
HAS GIVEN HIM A RAW DEAL.
433
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:29,520
HE OPENED CHINA.
434
00:16:29,522 --> 00:16:30,488
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
435
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,657
MIKE, WE MADE A FORTUNE
THIS WEEKEND
436
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,325
FROM THOSE PREPPERS.
YEP.
437
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,460
WE SHOULD PRAY
FOR ANOTHER SINK--
438
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:37,762
AH!
SINK, SINK, SINK...
439
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:40,665
AH, SINK IN THE BATHROOM
SO WE CAN WASH OUR HANDS.
440
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,866
YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL.
441
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:43,735
SOMETIMES FIRE
COMES OUT OF THOSE.
442
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,739
THANKS, KID. MIKE,
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
443
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:51,209
HEY, GRANDPA,
444
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,311
WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE
AND RED ALL OVER?
445
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:54,479
UH, UH,
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS.
446
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,914
NONE OF THEM ARE FUNNY,
OKAY?
447
00:16:58,317 --> 00:16:59,684
WHAT? WHAT'S UP?
448
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,820
WHAT'S THE BIG-HEADED KID
DOING HERE?
449
00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:04,489
HE FEELS SAFE WITH ME.
450
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,958
EVIDENTLY,
I'M...BUDDIES WITH GOD.
451
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,960
MM-HMM. WELL, I TOLD YOU
HOW TO HANDLE BOYD, RIGHT?
452
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,795
YOU GOT TO SEND THE KID OUT
IN THE STORM
453
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:13,398
WRAPPED IN TIN FOIL.
454
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,968
YEAH, I WAS GONNA DO THAT. AND
THEN I REALIZED I'M NOT CRAZY.
455
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,569
LOOK, I ALMOST HAD HIM
CONVINCED TO GO HOME,
456
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:20,238
AND THEN HIS DAD BLEW IT.
HMM.
457
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,041
SO I GET TO HEAR THE SAME JOKE
80 TIMES IN A DAY.
458
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,376
YOU GOT TO
SEND THE KID PACKING.
459
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,744
HE'S GOT TO KNOW
YOU'RE TOUGH.
460
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,079
HE KNOWS I'M TOUGH.
461
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,848
IT'S HIS PARENTS THAT HAVE GOT
TO LEARN TO STAND UP TO THIS.
462
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,683
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD SHOW BOYD
A NEWSPAPER SOMETIME.
463
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,819
[ CHUCKLES ] THE KID THINKS
THEY'RE RED ALL OVER.
464
00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:42,226
VANESSA!
465
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,428
GOT CALLED INTO WORK.
466
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,363
OH.
467
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:46,364
I GOT A RIDDLE --
468
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,900
WHAT'S 4'4"
AND MAKING ME DINNER?
469
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,034
ME?
470
00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:51,102
THAT'S RIGHT.
471
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,938
HEAD ON INTO THE PANTRY
AND GRAB ANY KIND OF CAN
472
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,574
AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HAVE
A DOG'S PICTURE ON IT.
473
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:00,278
THE RUNT'S STILL FOLLOWING YOU
AROUND EVERYWHERE, PA?
474
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,314
YOU KNOW, I USED TO THINK
IT'D BE FUN HAVING A PET MONKEY.
475
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:07,852
NOW I THINK DIFFERENT.
476
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,787
OH, THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE.
477
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,222
YOU GOT TO TAKE BOYD
OFF MY HANDS.
478
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,723
MIKE, HE DOES NOT
WANT TO COME WITH ME,
479
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,058
SO WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT HIM
IN YOUR CAR
480
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:15,526
AND YOU CAN FOLLOW ME
TO THE APARTMENT?
481
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,562
BECAUSE HE WON'T
LEAVE ME ALONE
482
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,063
AND I DON'T WANT TO MOVE IN
WITH YOU.
483
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,966
YOU THINK I LIKE HIM SPENDING
THIS MUCH TIME WITH YOU?
484
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,801
YOU JUST GOT TO MAKE
THE KID FEEL SAFE SOMEHOW.
485
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:25,136
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT,
SALLY.
486
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:27,371
SHE'S SHOWING YOU NO RESPECT
RIGHT NOW.
487
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:29,207
BOYD DOESN'T RESPECT YOU,
EITHER.
488
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,374
BOYD DOES RESPECT ME.
489
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:31,776
NOT AS SOMEONE
WHO CAN PROTECT HIM.
490
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,311
YOU GOT TO BE BIGGER
THAN HIS FEARS, OKAY?
491
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,546
MM, THAT'S A TALL ORDER
FOR YOU, MARY.
492
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,783
I GET IT -- YOU'RE CALLING ME
DIFFERENT GIRL NAMES.
493
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,218
YOU'RE CATCHING ON,
PEACHES.
494
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,722
MIKE, FALSE MACHISMO IS NOT
GONNA MAKE HIM FEEL ANY SAFER.
495
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,058
WELL, REAL MACHISMO
WOULD BE BETTER, BUT
WE GET WHAT WE GET.
496
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:51,496
YOU SCARED BOYD WITH SOMETHING
THAT HE CAN'T CONTROL,
497
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,464
AND YOU TOLD HIM THAT NO ONE
UP THERE'S LOOKING OUT FOR HIM.
498
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,799
THAT LEFT YOU,
WHICH ACTUALLY LEFT ME,
499
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,435
AND I AM TIRED!
500
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,070
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO
WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO.
501
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,972
I'M ASKING YOU
TO BE A PARENT.
502
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:02,807
I AM BEING A PARENT.
IF YOU DON'T --
OKAY. WHERE IS HE, HUH?
503
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:03,841
KITCHEN.
504
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,109
BOYD,
ENOUGH OF THIS ALREADY.
505
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:06,410
YOU'VE GOT SCHOOL
TOMORROW.
506
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:07,778
Boyd: MOMMY,
I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!
507
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,014
THAT'S TOO BAD,
OKAY?
508
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:12,850
I AM THE MOM.
NO MORE DISCUSSION.
509
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,185
GRANDPA, HELP ME!
510
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:15,520
I CAN'T --
I CAN'T HELP YOU.
511
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:19,757
MY BACK HURTS.
IT'S 6:30 NOW.
512
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,959
OH, I'M GUESSING THAT
SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME?
513
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,728
YEAH, EXCEPT I DON'T THINK
SHE COULD CARRY YOU.
514
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:30,501
THAT GUY'S A JOKE.
515
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,036
SPEAKING OF JOKES --
516
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:35,206
WHAT IS 5'4"
AND MAKING MY DINNER?
517
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,341
THE GUY AT DOMINO'S.
518
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:47,151
WHY CAN'T THE PEOPLE IN THE
MIDDLE EAST KEEP IT TOGETHER?
519
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:51,956
WHY CAN'T TAYLOR SWIFT
HOLD ON TO A BOYFRIEND?
520
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,061
WHY CAN'T NORTH KOREA JOIN
THE REST OF THE WORLD COMMUNITY?
521
00:19:57,063 --> 00:20:00,998
WHY CAN'T COURTENEY COX JOIN
THE "FRIENDS" CAST REUNION?
522
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:05,169
WHY CAN'T PUTIN
KEEP HIS SHIRT ON?
523
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,370
[ GIGGLES ]
524
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:09,674
WHY CAN'T CHANNING TATUM
KEEP HIS SHIRT ON?
525
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:13,144
UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.
526
00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:14,745
WHO KNOWS
WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT?
527
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,914
YOU DO.
528
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,416
GIVE ME THAT.
529
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:19,483
[ GIGGLES ]
41155
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