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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:04,169 "LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED 2 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:05,604 IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 3 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,539 MIKE, I THOUGHT THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 4 00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:09,708 AN ARTICLE ABOUT YOU IN THE "DENVER BUSINESS WEEKLY." 5 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:12,311 GUY NEEDED MORE TIME. APPARENTLY 5,000 WORDS 6 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:15,114 ISN'T ENOUGH TO TAKE IN ALL OF THIS. 7 00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:19,151 WELL, THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR BEING SO FASCINATING. 8 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,186 THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE A GEOLOGIST. 9 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,388 YOU DODGED THAT BULLET. 10 00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:24,823 GOOD MORNING. 11 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,525 HEY! HEY! 12 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,861 SO I BROUGHT SOME LEFTOVER STUFF FROM THE RESTAURANT 13 00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:30,129 THAT DIDN'T SELL. 14 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,630 THAT'S CALLED GARBAGE. 15 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:32,998 CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS. 16 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,567 WHOA. PUT THEM RIGHT THERE. [ LAUGHS ] 17 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,237 HEY, EVE, I SAW THAT ARTICLE ABOUT YOU IN THE SPORTS SECTION. 18 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,305 YEAH. IT WASN'T JUST ABOUT ME, THOUGH. 19 00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:43,308 THE COACH AND THE OTHER PLAYERS HAD SOME QUOTES... 20 00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:45,144 ABOUT ME. 21 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:47,146 WAIT A SEC. EVE'S IN THE PAPER, 22 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,747 DAD'S IN A MAGAZINE. SORRY. 23 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,850 DID THIS WHOLE FAMILY GET A PUBLICIST AND NOT TELL ME? 24 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,218 YOU DON'T NEED A PUBLICIST. 25 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,387 AREN'T YOU MENTIONED IN A LOT OF LIMERICKS? 26 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,489 JOKE'S ON YOU! 27 00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:00,192 I DON'T KNOW WHAT A LIMERICK IS. 28 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,760 LOOK AT THIS. 29 00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,729 "WOODBRIDGE HIGH HAS UPPED THEIR SCORING AVERAGE 30 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:07,232 SINCE ADDING FEMALE KICKER EVE BAXTER." YEAH. 31 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,535 THAT'S FANTASTIC, HONEY. PRETTY SWEET. 32 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,370 MY DAUGHTER IS A STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER. 33 00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:14,573 I JUST KEEP GETTING MORE FASCINATING. [ SIGHS ] 34 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,842 I JUST DON'T GET WHY THEY KEEP CALLING ME "FEMALE KICKER." 35 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,677 WHY CAN'T I JUST BE THE KICKER? 36 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,579 YOU KNOW? UH, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE 37 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,947 WHO WEARS A BRA. 38 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:24,016 I DON'T KNOW. THAT RIGHT TACKLE, 39 00:01:24,018 --> 00:01:26,018 300-POUNDER, COULD USE A BRA. 40 00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:28,020 WELL, POINTING OUT THAT YOU'RE FEMALE 41 00:01:28,022 --> 00:01:29,922 JUST RAISES VISIBILITY FOR WOMEN ATHLETES. 42 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,523 YOU ARE INSPIRING GIRLS TO BELIEVE 43 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,058 THAT THEY CAN COMPETE WITH BOYS. 44 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,693 LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY HERE. 45 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,261 NOT EVERYBODY CAN BE EVE. 46 00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,697 I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS FAMILY. WE'RE ONLY 1-FOR-3. 47 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,866 EVE IS OPENING DOORS FOR WOMEN. 48 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,868 HUH. JUST LIKE HILLARY CLINTON. 49 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,036 [ CHUCKLES ] 50 00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:45,604 NO, HILLARY BETTER KNOCK, 51 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,140 MAKE SURE BILL'S GOT HIS PANTS ON. 52 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:53,679 -- Captions by VITAC -- 53 00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:59,985 HOW ABOUT WE CALL THIS ONE THE "SANTA MARIA"? 54 00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:02,254 1,600 HORSEPOWER, TWIN TURBO. 55 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,755 IF COLUMBUS HAD THIS, HE COULD HAVE MADE IT 56 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:06,492 ACROSS THE OCEAN IN LIKE TWO DAYS. 57 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,494 AND COLUMBUS DAY WOULD HAVE BEEN TWO MONTHS AGO 58 00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,329 AND WE WOULD HAVE MISSED THE SALE. 59 00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,331 GOOD CALL, MR. B. 60 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:15,300 JUST PUT THE SIGN IN THE MAKO, PLEASE. 61 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:16,768 AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN. 62 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,237 YEAH, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP FOR COLUMBUS. 63 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,105 DISCOVERING THE NEW WORLD. 64 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,174 WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THIS -- HE'S A GOOD SALESMAN. 65 00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:23,909 I THINK YOU MEAN SAILOR. 66 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,644 NO, I MEAN SALESMAN. HE WAS AN ITALIAN, 67 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,779 GOT THE SPANISH TO PAY FOR THREE TRIPS TO INDIA, 68 00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,281 WHICH HE NEVER FOUND, 69 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,450 THAT'S A GOOD SALESMAN. 70 00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:34,453 LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS LOOKING GOOD. 71 00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:35,988 IT'S MY JOB TO PLEASE THE BOSS. 72 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:38,857 ACTUALLY, THAT'S MY JOB. 73 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,126 OKAY, HERE COMES THAT BREAKFAST BURRITO. [ COUGHS ] 74 00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:43,362 A LITTLE P.D.A. NEVER HURT ANYONE, MIKE. 75 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,930 THEN WHY AM I SO UNCOMFORTABLE? 76 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,832 BECAUSE YOU'RE SLOUCHING. 77 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:50,469 YOU KNOW, I LIKE HEARING MIKE CALL YOU THE BOSS, EDDIE, 78 00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,104 BUT I LOOK AROUND THE STORE AND ALL I SEE 79 00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:53,872 IS MIKE'S CLONE ARMY. YEAH. 80 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,507 YOU KNOW, THAT'S INTERESTING. 81 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,343 THE U.S. GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENTED BRIEFLY WITH A CLONE ARMY 82 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:01,213 OF MIKE BAXTERS, BUT THEY DECIDED NO ONE COUNTRY 83 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:03,549 SHOULD HAVE THAT MUCH POWER. 84 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:07,719 I WISH I HAD A CLONE -- JUST TO TRY OUT HAIRCUTS ON. 85 00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:09,655 OR TO BOUNCE IDEAS OFF LIKE THAT 86 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,990 BEFORE YOU SAY 'EM OUT LOUD. 87 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,392 LISTEN, I'VE GOT A FEW CLONES 88 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,793 THAT WON'T COME OUT OF THE CLOSET. 89 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,795 I GOTTA GO GRAB 'EM. 90 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,397 MM. I'M SERIOUS, BABE. 91 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,399 WHY AREN'T THERE ANY PICTURES OF YOU IN THE STORE? 92 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,734 OH, MIKE IS THE FACE OF OUTDOOR MAN, 93 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:23,969 ALWAYS HAS BEEN. 94 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,371 BECAUSE HE'S SO RUGGEDLY HANDSOME. 95 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,473 MY EDDIE IS EVERY BIT AS HANDSOME. 96 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:31,410 [ LAUGHS ] 97 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:34,546 I'M SORRY. I JUST LAUGHED 98 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:37,149 'CAUSE YOU SAID SOMETHING SO CRAZY. 99 00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:39,384 KYLE... 100 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:42,988 A PIGEON TOOK A CRAP ON MY CAR THIS MORNING. 101 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,223 GO TAKE CARE OF IT. 102 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,191 I'LL CLEAN THAT UP RIGHT AWAY, SIR. 103 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,327 NO, NO, NO. 104 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,995 I MEAN, TAKE CARE OF IT. 105 00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:51,663 HMM? 106 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,833 I WANT TO SEND A MESSAGE TO THE REST OF THE FLOCK. 107 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:58,036 THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT JOB FOR CREW-CUT KYLE. 108 00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,538 THANKS. 109 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,673 I GOT TO TELL YOU, IT BOTHERS ME 110 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,508 THAT WHEN PEOPLE HEAR "OUTDOOR MAN," 111 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,510 THEY DON'T THINK OF YOU -- THEY THINK OF MIKE. 112 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,380 MARKETING IS MIKE'S THING, WHICH HE'S GREAT AT, 113 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,515 WHICH GIVES ME MORE TIME WITH YOU. [ CHUCKLES ] 114 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:12,417 WHICH I AM GREAT AT. [ CHUCKLES ] 115 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,785 AS LONG AS I HAVE 30 MINUTES NOTICE. 116 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,088 [ LAUGHS ] YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHS ] 117 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,590 I WOULD STILL LIKE TO SEE YOU FEATURED IN THE ADS. 118 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,592 NO, NO...I DON'T PHOTOGRAPH WELL. 119 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,395 SOME PEOPLE SAY MY SMILE IS SCARY. 120 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:24,963 [ LAUGHS ] THAT'S CRAZY. YEAH. 121 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,098 LET ME SEE IT. NO. 122 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,133 GIVE ME ONE. ALL RIGHT. 123 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:34,773 WE'LL WORK ON THAT, BABY. 124 00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:41,713 HEY, COULD I GET MY BLUE SWEATER BACK, PLEASE? 125 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,448 OH, REALLY, I JUST BORROWED THAT 126 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,117 SO YOU WOULDN'T WEAR IT AGAIN AND EMBARRASS YOURSELF. 127 00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:49,421 WHOA. COULD I BORROW THAT SKIRT? [ LAUGHS ] 128 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:51,590 [ STOMPS FOOT ] 129 00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:53,392 WHAT? 130 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:56,161 [ HUFFS ] YOU CAN BOTH GO STRAIGHT TO HELL. 131 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:57,829 WELL, GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE. 132 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,065 [ LAUGHING ] WHAT'S WITH YOU? 133 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,767 UH, DIDN'T YOU HEAR? 134 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,669 I BLEW A KICK LAST NIGHT AND COST US THE GAME. 135 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,103 OH, YEAH. I KNOW, I KNOW. 136 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,072 IT'S -- IT'S ALL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT IN GAZA. 137 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,241 [ INHALES SHARPLY ] WOW. 138 00:05:09,243 --> 00:05:12,411 EVIE, YOU ARE PROBABLY FEELING PRETTY DOWN RIGHT NOW, 139 00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,812 AND READING THE OLD SPORTS PAGE 140 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,280 ISN'T GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER. 141 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,616 SO, ALLOW ME. [ CLICKS TONGUE ] 142 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:20,085 "THE GAME WAS LOST LAST NIGHT 143 00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:22,621 WHEN WOODBRIDGE'S FEMALE KICKER, EVE BAXTER --" 144 00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:26,458 A-A-AH-AHEM -- MOI! -- 145 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:29,761 MISSED A LAST-SECOND FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT. 146 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,797 OH! WHAT? WHAT A JERK! 147 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,699 I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WROTE IT LIKE THAT. 148 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,534 "FEMALE KICKER MISSED." 149 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:39,771 WHY? I'M A FEMALE, I'M A KICKER, AND I MISSED. 150 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,473 THAT'S ACTUALLY SOLID REPORTING. 151 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,308 BUT IT'S LIKE THIS GUY WENT OUT OF HIS WAY 152 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,810 TO EMPHASIZE THAT YOU'RE A WOMAN. 153 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,478 YOU LOVED THAT A FEW DAYS AGO. 154 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,780 YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE THE OTHER ARTICLE WAS POSITIVE. 155 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,349 I MEAN, NOW HE'S MAKING IT SOUND LIKE 156 00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,651 YOU ONLY MISSED THE KICK BECAUSE YOU HAVE OVARIES. 157 00:05:52,653 --> 00:05:54,219 IT IS SO SEXIST, OKAY? 158 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:55,787 I FEEL LIKE CALLING UP THIS... 159 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,423 JENNIFER THOMPSON... 160 00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:02,294 AND TELLING HIM A THING A THING OR TWO. 161 00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:05,197 AH, YES! JENNIFER THOMPSON, MY NEW FAVORITE AUTHOR. 162 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,732 [ GIGGLES ] 163 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,133 OOH, OOH! READ THAT PART AGAIN 164 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,302 WHERE PERFECT EVE ISN'T GOOD AT SOMETHING. 165 00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:12,237 OH, I SWEAR, I THINK THIS ONLY HAPPENED 166 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,239 BECAUSE I FORGOT TO WEAR MY LUCKY SOCKS. 167 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:15,640 STOP KICKING HER WHEN SHE'S DOWN. 168 00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:17,976 HEY, AT LEAST MY KICKS ARE ACCURATE. 169 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,578 [ LAUGHS ] 170 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,980 OH! MAYBE I SHOULD BE THE NEW LADY KICKER! 171 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,482 LIKE, OOH! 172 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:26,351 I'M NOT A LADY KICKER OR A FEMALE KICKER, 173 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,253 I'M JUST A KICKER WHO HIT THE UPRIGHT LAST NIGHT 174 00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,655 AND LET EVERYONE DOWN. HEY, EVE, 175 00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:33,392 YOU'RE ALSO OUR SISTER, OKAY? 176 00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:36,928 WHO LET EVERYONE DOWN. [ SCOFFS ] 177 00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:38,096 [ LAUGHS ] SHH! 178 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,531 THIS IS FUN! 179 00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:42,134 I CAN SEE WHY SHE LIKES DOING IT TO ME. 180 00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:47,038 THERE I AM. RIGHT THERE. 181 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,840 MY PICTURE IN A MAGAZINE. 182 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,342 WHAT'S GOING ON, LADIES? 183 00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:53,044 WHAT, THE FALL FASHION ISSUE OF "VOGUE" COME OUT? 184 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,046 DON'T BE SILLY, MR. ALZATE. 185 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,282 EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT CAME OUT TWO MONTHS AGO. 186 00:06:58,551 --> 00:07:00,218 WHAT? 187 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:03,021 I KNOW BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND IS INTO FASHION. 188 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,791 AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS BORROWS MY "VOGUE." 189 00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:12,764 HEY, MR. ALZATE, CHECK IT OUT. YEAH? 190 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,099 THEY DROPPED OFF AN EARLY EDITION 191 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,434 OF THE "DENVER BUSINESS WEEKLY." 192 00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:16,601 MR. B.'s ON THE COVER. 193 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,037 WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? 194 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:22,073 "THE INSIDE WORLD OF OUTDOOR MAN." 195 00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,709 ANOTHER STROKE OF MARKETING GENIUS FROM MIKE, HUH? 196 00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,077 YEAH. LOOK AT THAT. 197 00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,412 AND I MADE THE ARTICLE TWICE. UH-HUH. 198 00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:28,747 THERE'S A PART WHERE AN UNNAMED 199 00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:32,284 "BUMBLING OFFICE WORKER" SPILLS COFFEE. 200 00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:35,320 I'M THAT BUMBLER. 201 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,989 YEAH, AND THIS PICTURE OF MR. B. ON PAGE 16 -- RIGHT. 202 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,291 THAT'S MY ELBOW. HUH. 203 00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,259 MY ELBOW IN A REGIONAL PUBLICATION. 204 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:42,761 [ LAUGHS ] 205 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,463 YOU KNOW, IF THEY HAD A PICTURE OF YOUR ASS, 206 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,398 YOU'D BE ABLE TO TELL THE TWO APART. 207 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,233 [ CHUCKLES ] 208 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:50,302 HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE DIFFERENT SECTIONS 209 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:53,271 IN THE STORE WERE INSPIRED BY MR. B.'s WORLD TRAVELS? 210 00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,240 YES, I KNOW, THAT WAS -- THAT WAS MY IDEA. 211 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:58,643 ARE YOU SURE? THEY DON'T MENTION THAT IN THE ARTICLE. 212 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,345 NO, THEY DO NOT. 213 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,080 HEY, GUYS. 214 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,950 MY BUDDY AND I HAVE A GREAT IDEA FOR THE COLUMBUS DAY VLOG. 215 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,651 ALTHOUGH, AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, 216 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,754 HIS IDEAS ARE A BIT...FLAT. 217 00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,923 I'M JUST READING YOUR...INTERVIEW HERE. 218 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,758 SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE FULL OF GREAT IDEAS. 219 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,293 HAVEN'T READ IT YET, BUT, BOY, I'LL TELL YOU, 220 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,629 THE GUY ON THE COVER CAN'T TAKE A BAD PICTURE. 221 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,598 YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN ELBOW ON PAGE 16 222 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,399 THAT CAN'T TAKE A BAD PICTURE, EITHER. 223 00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:24,369 THAT'S NOT EVEN MY GOOD ELBOW. 224 00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:27,205 NICE JOB ON THE ARTICLE. 225 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:28,807 THANKS, MAN. YEAH. 226 00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,775 I GUESS I CAN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT FREE PUBLICITY, HUH? 227 00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:33,111 BUT...SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO. 228 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,280 OH, NO, COME ON. IT'S JUST THAT 229 00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,148 I'VE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE, 230 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:39,150 I JUST DON'T GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THINGS. 231 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,519 SURE, YOU DO. MM? 232 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,488 I'VE SEEN YOU WHEN THE McRIB COMES OUT. 233 00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:46,124 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT DOESN'T EXCITE ME TOO MUCH. 234 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,793 IT'S THIS -- THIS WHOLE COLUMBUS DAY BOAT SALE THING. 235 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,362 I JUST -- FRANKLY I-I DON'T GET IT. 236 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,130 ALL RIGHT. 237 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:54,199 UH...COLUMBUS... MM-HMM. 238 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,568 ...CAME HERE ON A BOAT. YEP. 239 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:59,037 WE SELL BOATS, 240 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:03,341 SO WE'RE USING COLUMBUS' BOAT TO SELL OUR BOATS. 241 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:04,643 WHERE DID I LOSE YOU? 242 00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,645 IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT. 243 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,680 I THINK WE SHOULD CANCEL COLUMBUS DAY. 244 00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,081 WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM 245 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,484 FROM COMING OVER HERE WHEN YOU GUYS WERE KIDS. 246 00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,152 KYLE, COULD YOU GET THIS THING OUT OF HERE 247 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,154 AND GET THE OTHER ONES OFF THE SALES FLOOR, PLEASE? 248 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,890 ED, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD ABOUT THE COLUMBUS DAY VLOG YET. 249 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,326 COLUMBUS WAS A HUCKSTER AND A GLORY HOG. 250 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:23,395 COLUMBUS WENT ACROSS THE ATLANTIC FOUR TIMES. 251 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,263 THAT'S THREE AND A HALF TIMES MORE THAN THE "TITANIC," 252 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,666 WHICH YOU WERE ALSO ON. 253 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,200 I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME, MIKE. 254 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,436 THE PROMOTION AND VLOG ARE OFF. 255 00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:32,938 YOU GOT TO RUN THIS STUFF BY ME, ED. 256 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:35,607 I DON'T HAVE TO RUN ANYTHING BY YOU. I'M THE BOSS. 257 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,008 WE'RE PARTNERS. 258 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,510 I BROUGHT YOU IN. 259 00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:40,378 YOU BROUGHT ME IN TO A BAIT AND TACKLE SHOP 260 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,447 THAT I TURNED INTO 20 HUGE SUPERSTORES. 261 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:46,151 19 STORES, MIKE. HUH? THE FIRST ONE WAS ALL ME. 262 00:09:53,626 --> 00:09:55,527 YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT GENIUS CAME UP 263 00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:57,395 WITH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL ON FRIDAY NIGHTS. 264 00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,964 YEAH, WELL, THANK GOODNESS FOR THE DVR. 265 00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,866 FRIDAY NIGHT IS THE ONLY GOOD NIGHT ON TELEVISION. 266 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:04,369 YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE FREEZING OUT THERE? MM-HMM. 267 00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:05,904 YOU AND I MIGHT NEED TO... [ CLICKS TONGUE ] 268 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,339 SNUGGLE UNDER A BLANKET. 269 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,710 WELL, YOU WANT TO TAKE A RUN AT ME, 270 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,045 YOU BETTER PUT A LITTLE MORE IRISH IN THAT COFFEE. 271 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,213 HMM? 272 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,215 WAY AHEAD OF YOU. [ SNIFFS ] 273 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,217 OOH. I ACTUALLY MIGHT NEED TO ADD A LITTLE COFFEE 274 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:22,287 TO THIS IRISH. [ CHUCKLES ] 275 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,923 YOU'RE SURE ENGROSSED IN THAT ARTICLE. 276 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,758 LEARNING ANYTHING NEW ABOUT YOURSELF? 277 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,393 NO, BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT ED. 278 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,562 AW. YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU TWO TO FIGHT. 279 00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,263 IT'S THIS ARTICLE. 280 00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,099 I TOLD THE GUY ALL ABOUT ED AND HOW HE STARTED THE COMPANY. 281 00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:35,467 THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT ED. 282 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,502 WELL, I'M SURE ED UNDERSTANDS. 283 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:39,270 NOW HE'S GOT THIS PUSHY BROAD IN HIS LIFE. 284 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:42,974 UH, ED LIKES TO CALL HER HIS GIRLFRIEND. 285 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,276 UH, WHATEVER. I'M NOT INTO LABELS. 286 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,012 [ SIGHS ] 287 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,247 NOW SHE'S WHISPERING STUFF IN HIS EAR. 288 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,483 WELL, NOT WHISPERING. HE'S REALLY HARD OF HEARING. 289 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:52,917 MIKE, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. 290 00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,853 I DO. HE'S GOING DEAF. 291 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:58,256 I MEAN ABOUT WENDI. 292 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:01,026 WH-- ED AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER FOR 28 YEARS. 293 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,595 HE'S NEVER BEEN INVOLVED IN MY PROMOTIONS... 294 00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:05,530 UNTIL WENDI STARTED BUTTING IN. 295 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:08,299 IS SHE BUTTING IN OR JUST STICKING UP FOR HER GUY? 296 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:09,834 YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE SURPRISED ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES 297 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,336 I'VE HAD TO STICK UP FOR YOU. 298 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,038 YOU'RE NOT AS UNIVERSALLY LIKED AS YOU THINK. 299 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,773 I HAVE A LOVE LETTER 300 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:18,109 FROM THE "DENVER BUSINESS WEEKLY" THAT BEGS TO DIFFER. 301 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,844 YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS FIGHT IS NOT ABOUT WENDI. 302 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,446 IT'S ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ED. 303 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,214 I DON'T HAVE A "RELATIONSHIP" WITH ED. 304 00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,449 WE'RE PARTNERS. 305 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:25,817 AND NOT IN THE WAY THAT GAY PEOPLE 306 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,485 HAVE WRECKED THAT WORD. 307 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,854 HONEY, WHEN TWO PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME, 308 00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:32,157 IT'S NATURAL TO HARBOR RESENTMENTS. HMM. 309 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,459 IT MIGHT BE HEALTHY FOR YOU TO GET SOME THINGS OFF YOUR CHEST. 310 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,127 MM... 311 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,529 I HATE THOSE CURTAINS. 312 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,564 WHA-- 313 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:40,632 MM. 314 00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:41,833 I HATE YOUR SISTER. 315 00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,568 ALL RIGHT... [ MUTTERS ] 316 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,237 [ EXHALES ] YOU KNOW WHAT? I DO FEEL BETTER. 317 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,839 OH, WHERE ARE MY SOCKS? 318 00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:50,041 OH, SO YOU LOST YOUR SOCKS LIKE YOU LOST THE GAME? 319 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,309 WHAT NOW?! 320 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,977 YOU KNOW WHAT? I HATE OUR CHILDREN. 321 00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,846 OH... [ SIGHS ] 322 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,548 I NEED THOSE SOCKS! 323 00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:57,849 HMM, IF YOU KICKED THEM OFF, 324 00:11:57,851 --> 00:12:00,418 THEY COULD HAVE ENDED UP ANYWHERE. 325 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:04,089 EXCEPT WHERE YOU WERE AIMING. [ LAUGHS ] OH! 326 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,391 KNOCK IT OFF. EVE CAUGHT A BAD BREAK LAST FRIDAY, 327 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,926 AND WE'RE NOT GONNA PILE ON ABOUT IT. 328 00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,228 AT LEAST NOT WHILE SHE'S IN THE ROOM. 329 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,863 SO I'M NOT ALLOWED TO PICK ON EVE 330 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:14,833 AFTER 16 YEARS OF HER TAKING WISE-ASS SHOTS AT ME, 331 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,202 LIKE, EVERY SINGLE DAY? IT WASN'T EVERY DAY. 332 00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:19,871 THERE WAS THAT WHOLE WEEK SHE WAS AT SOCCER CAMP. 333 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,373 LOOK, I'M SORRY IF MY SLAMS HURT YOUR FEELINGS, 334 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,175 BUT THIS WHOLE KICKING THING HAS REALLY GOTTEN ME FREAKED, 335 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,578 AND I COULD USE A LITTLE SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY RIGHT NOW. 336 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,680 PLEASE. FINE. 337 00:12:28,682 --> 00:12:31,049 WAY TO TAKE THE FUN OUT OF BEING MEAN TO YOU. 338 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,784 ALL RIGHT, I WILL GO UPSTAIRS. 339 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,352 I WILL LOOK FOR YOUR UGLY ORANGE SOCKS. 340 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,920 THANK YOU. 341 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,790 AND F.Y.I., THAT "LOST GAME, LOST SOCK" DISS 342 00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,692 WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY SOLID. 343 00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:42,127 THANK YOU. 344 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,862 IT WAS A NO-BRAINER. 345 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,764 LIKE I AM. OH! 346 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,199 I DON'T EVEN NEED YOU ANYMORE. [ LAUGHS ] 347 00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:49,601 OH... [ CHUCKLES ] 348 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,136 HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO LOOK IN THE LAUNDRY? 349 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,303 OKAY. 350 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,707 SEE WHAT OUR GIRLS JUST DID? 351 00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:58,143 WOMEN ARE REALLY GOOD AT RESOLVING CONFLICT. 352 00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,044 BECAUSE THEY CAUSE MOST OF 'EM. 353 00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:02,981 YOU GUYS ARE LIKE FIREMEN THAT TURN OUT TO BE ARSONISTS. 354 00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,083 WELL, IT MIGHT BE HEALTHY FOR YOU AND ED 355 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,451 TO BE MORE LIKE THEM. 356 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,386 EXCEPT WHEN ED LOSES HIS SOCKS, 357 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,421 GENERALLY THEY'RE ON HIS FEET. 358 00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:13,725 Eve: UH, MOM? 359 00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:15,326 MY NAME IS DAD. 360 00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:21,232 OH! YOU FOUND YOUR SOCKS. YEAH. SMELL THEM. 361 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,568 OH, NO, NO, NO. YOUR DAD GOT ME WITH THAT ONE THIS MORNING. 362 00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:26,838 THERE'S NOTHING TO SMELL. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. 363 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,573 WHY WOULD YOU WASH MY SOCKS? 364 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,843 I ASK MYSELF THAT QUESTION EVERY TIME I DO LAUNDRY. 365 00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,846 MOM, THESE ARE MY GAME SOCKS, MY LUCKY SOCKS, 366 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,481 AND YOU WASHED THE MOJO OUT OF THEM. 367 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,283 I JUST HAVE TO PRAY WE NEVER CROSS MIDFIELD TONIGHT 368 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:40,852 SO I DON'T HAVE TO KICK. SERIOUSLY, HONEY? 369 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:42,020 COME -- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EVE BAXTER 370 00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,621 WITH ICE WATER IN HER VEINS? 371 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,123 [ SCOFFS ] IT'S TURNED TO ICE. 372 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,425 WHEN I GET OUT THERE TO KICK NOW, I JUST FREEZE UP. 373 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,760 YOU WOULDN'T GET IT. 374 00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:50,628 TRY ME. 375 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,964 THERE'S ALL THIS PRESSURE ALREADY BEING THE KICKER, 376 00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,766 BUT NOW I'M THE FEMALE KICKER, 377 00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:57,502 AND SO IF I MISS, IT'S NOT JUST THE TEAM OR THE SCHOOL -- 378 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,204 I'M LETTING DOWN ALL WOMEN. 379 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,039 I DON'T WANT TO BE ROSA PARKS. 380 00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:02,874 [ CLICKS TONGUE ] WELL, UH, ROSA PARKS 381 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,676 DIDN'T HAVE YOUR LEG STRENGTH. 382 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:07,445 THAT'S WHY SHE'S FAMOUS FOR SITTING DOWN. 383 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:10,615 LOOK, HONEY, HONEY, I DO. I UNDERSTAND. 384 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,617 HEY, DO YOU THINK IT'S EASY FOR ME 385 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:15,987 IN THE FAST-PACED, MALE-DOMINATED FIELD OF GEOLOGY? 386 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,823 NO! EVERY DAY I FACE THE BURDEN 387 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:20,458 OF BEING A GROUNDBREAKER. 388 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,827 YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I LITERALLY... 389 00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:25,530 BREAK GROUND. [ SIGHS ] 390 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,565 MOM, I'M STRESSED ENOUGH. YOUR PUNS MIGHT PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE. 391 00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,133 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT -- HEY, HONEY -- 392 00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:31,669 LOOK, YOU CAN'T COMPARE YOUR JOB TO FOOTBALL. 393 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,504 IF YOU MESS UP, EVERYONE'S NOT GONNA READ ABOUT IT 394 00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:34,739 IN THE PAPER. 395 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,407 NO, NO, IF I MESS UP, 396 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,877 ENVIRONMENTS ARE DESTROYED AND PEOPLE COULD DIE. 397 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,478 HUH? TALK ABOUT PRESSURE? 398 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,513 I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR JOB WAS SO IMPORTANT... RIGHT. 399 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,082 ...FROM THE WAY DAD TALKS ABOUT IT. 400 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,985 OH, YEAH, RIGHT, LIKE HE'S GOT IT SO TOUGH. 401 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,087 IF HE SCREWS UP, A TROUT GETS AWAY. 402 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,222 LOOK, HONEY... [ SIGHS ] 403 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,925 MY POINT IS, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. 404 00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:58,229 EVERY WOMAN HAS THIS BURDEN OF REPRESENTING ALL WOMEN. 405 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,431 BUT YOU CAN'T LET THAT FREEZE YOU UP. 406 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,233 YOU KNOW HOW TO KICK THE BALL. 407 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,534 [ SCOFFS ] WELL, I DID. 408 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:04,769 YOU STILL DO. 409 00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,871 LOOK, JUST GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD 410 00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,107 AND DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO. [ SIGHS ] 411 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,742 IT'S NOT THE SOCKS THAT ARE SPECIAL. 412 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,710 IT'S THE GIRL WHO WEARS THEM. 413 00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:15,780 [ EXHALES SHARPLY ] YOU'RE RIGHT. 414 00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:18,349 I MEAN, I'M STILL ME. I'VE GOT THAT GOING FOR ME. 415 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,951 EXACTLY. 416 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,786 HEY, AND WHEN IT COMES TO KICKING, 417 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,788 YOU HAVE GOT A LEG UP. 418 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,024 MOM, PLEASE. 419 00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:29,127 OKAY. [ KISSES ] YOU'LL DO GREAT TONIGHT. 420 00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,029 JUST PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD. 421 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,231 ALL RIGHT. I'M OUT OF HERE. YOU MADE YOUR POINT. 422 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,799 [ LAUGHS ] HEY! 423 00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,968 IT'S YOU WHO NEEDS TO MAKE THAT EXTRA POINT! 424 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:39,203 OKAY, I'M LEAVING NOW! 425 00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:49,147 [ CHUCKLES ] LOOK AT YOU. 426 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:52,717 SITTING THERE, MAKING DECISIONS, 427 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:55,153 AFFECTING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE'S LIVES. 428 00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:57,722 OH... MY MAN IS A GENERAL. 429 00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,891 NO, NO, NO, NOT A GENERAL, NO. 430 00:15:59,893 --> 00:16:02,060 I'M JUST A GUY WHO RUNS AN EMPIRE... [ CHUCKLES ] 431 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:05,063 SO I'M REALLY MORE... OF AN EMPEROR. 432 00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,065 [ LAUGHS ] 433 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:10,068 BABE. I SEE WHY YOUR CAR KEEPS GETTING BIRD POOP ON IT. 434 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,070 IT'S YOUR PARKING SPACE -- OVER THERE UNDER THAT TREE. 435 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,471 YEAH, I LIKE THE SHADE. 436 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,739 IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT 437 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,774 THAT THE EMPEROR GETS POOPED ON. 438 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:21,012 TRADE SPACES WITH MIKE. THAT SHOULD BE MIKE'S POOP. 439 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:23,514 THE PARKING SPACES ARE FINE, BABY. 440 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,083 I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE GETTING THE RESPECT 441 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,317 THAT YOU'RE DUE. 442 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,186 I'M GETTING RESPECT FROM EVERYBODY 443 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,755 BUT ONE INCONTINENT PIGEON. 444 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,957 [ LAUGHS ] 445 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,292 THEY KNOW I'M THE BOSS. 446 00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,426 I DON'T HAVE TO THROW MY WEIGHT AROUND. 447 00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,195 AS IF THAT LEAN PHYSIQUE OF YOURS 448 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:38,963 HAS ANY WEIGHT TO SPARE. MM. 449 00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:41,499 YEAH, I CAME DOWN PRETTY HARD ON MIKE YESTERDAY. REALLY? 450 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,034 YEAH. WHAT HAPPENED? 451 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:47,105 I GOT AGGRAVATED AND I CANCELED HIS COLUMBUS DAY VLOG. 452 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:49,007 MAYBE I SHOULD APOLOGIZE, HUH? 453 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:51,109 NAH. I'LL SEND HIM A BOX OF STEAKS. 454 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,343 HE'LL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 455 00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:54,946 KYLE, HAVE YOU SEEN MIKE? 456 00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:56,681 YES, SIR. HE'S DOWN IN BOATING. 457 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,716 WE'RE GETTING READY TO START SHOOTING HIS COLUMBUS DAY VLOG. 458 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,651 [ SMACKS LIPS ] 459 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,987 [ CLEARS THROAT ] 460 00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,622 WELL, I GUESS THERE MUST BE 461 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,858 SOME SORT OF MISCOMMUNICATION SOMEWHERE. 462 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,459 YEAH! YOU SAID NO VLOG, 463 00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,195 AND MIKE HEARD, "DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT." 464 00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:12,897 SEEMS LIKE YOUR CAR'S NOT THE ONLY THING 465 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,733 GETTING POOPED ON AROUND HERE. 466 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,235 I'LL STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT. 467 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,670 MM, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY EMPEROR IN ACTION. 468 00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,540 NO, WENDI...NO. 469 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,476 I LOVE YOU, BUT THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND MIKE. 470 00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:28,146 THIS IS MY BUSINESS, NOT YOURS. 471 00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,381 DID YOU JUST SAY, "I LOVE YOU"? 472 00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,252 YES, I DID. 473 00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,089 BE BACK IN 30 MINUTES. 474 00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:43,261 OKAY, YOU ALL SET? 475 00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:46,431 HEY. MIKE BAXTER HERE FOR OUTDOOR MAN. 476 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,066 TODAY WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT COLUMBUS DAY 477 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:50,168 BECAUSE WE ARE HAVING A SALE. 478 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,336 WHY DO WE CALL IT COLUM-- OKAY, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. 479 00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:54,338 WE ARE PULLING THE PLUG. THAT'S IT. COME ON. 480 00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,441 YOU KNOW, ONE DAY I'M GONNA WALK INTO YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM 481 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,876 AND SAY THAT EXACT SAME THING. 482 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:01,045 WHAT'S GOING ON? I THOUGHT WE DISCUSSED THIS. I -- ALL RIGHT -- 483 00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:03,047 I GAVE YOU A DIRECT ORDER. RIGHT, AND I DISOBEYED IT, OKAY? 484 00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:04,782 EXPECT A BOX OF STEAKS IN THE MAIL. 485 00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,684 LET ME FINISH THE VLOG. YOU WATCH IT. 486 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,387 IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I'M NOT GONNA POST IT. 487 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:12,557 ALL RIGHT. I'M NOTHING IF NOT FAIR AND REASONABLE. 488 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:15,293 I KNEW A PIGEON WHO MIGHT DISAGREE. 489 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,762 WAIT -- WAIT A MINUTE. HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON'T 490 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,131 FLIP SOME SWITCH AND GOOGLE THIS OUT OVER THE INTERNET? 491 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:21,599 BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA TRUST ME, 492 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,402 AND THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. 493 00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:27,038 ALL RIGHT. OKAY, HERE WE GO. 494 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,641 ALL RIGHT, BACKGROUND CLEAR, AND DO IT. 495 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,610 HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE FOR OUTDOOR MAN. 496 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,779 THIS COLUMBUS DAY, YOU CAN DISCOVER AMERICA, 497 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,415 EVEN THOUGH COLUMBUS NEVER ACTUALLY DID. 498 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,318 IN 1492, HE MAY HAVE SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE, 499 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,587 BUT THE DUDE MISSED NORTH AMERICA 500 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,222 AND FOUND HISPANIOLA INSTEAD. 501 00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,958 AND I DON'T MEAN THE TAPAS RESTAURANT ON 18th STREET. 502 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,160 THAT PLACE IS A REAL DISCOVERY. 503 00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,662 WHY DO WE HAVE A PARADE FOR COLUMBUS, 504 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,264 THE DUDE WHO GOT LOST? 505 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,733 LISTEN, I GOT LOST IN IKEA THE OTHER DAY. 506 00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:59,070 NO PARADE. ALL I GOT WAS A BOOKCASE FOR 6 BUCKS. 507 00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:01,973 WE SHOULD BE CELEBRATING LEIF ERIKSON, 508 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,308 THE VIKING WHO LANDED IN NOVA SCOTIA 509 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,310 400 YEARS BEFORE COLUMBUS. 510 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,346 THERE HASN'T BEEN A VIKING THIS UNDERAPPRECIATED 511 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,947 SINCE HAGAR THE HORRIBLE. 512 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,483 I DARE YOU TO READ THAT COMIC STRIP AND NOT LAUGH. 513 00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,685 THE REAL DISCOVERER OF OUTDOOR MAN 514 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,320 IS ED ALZATE, 515 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:20,024 VIETNAM VET, SPORTSMAN, AND SMALL BUSINESS ENTREPRENEUR. 516 00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:21,626 ED, COME OVER HERE FOR A SECOND. COME HERE. 517 00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,427 LISTEN TO THIS. WHAT? WHAT? 518 00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:25,463 THIS DUDE IS OUR LEIF ERIKSON, 519 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:28,266 THE GUY WHO BLAZED A TRAIL, BUT HARDLY EVER GETS CREDIT. 520 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,934 WITHOUT ED, NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HERE, 521 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,470 AND I WOULD BE A GUY THAT JUST MADE SOME OTHER STORE 522 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,772 REALLY FAMOUS AND SUCCESSFUL. 523 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,941 IN HONOR OF OUR LEIF ERIKSON, ED ALZATE, 524 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,276 THE COLUMBUS DAY SALE IS NOW 525 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,311 "VIKING PLUNDER AND PILLAGE SALE," 526 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,613 SO COME ON DOWN AND -- AND BRING YOUR BATTLE-AX, 527 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,516 BECAUSE WE GOT LOTS OF GEAR FOR THE WIFE, TOO. 528 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,485 WHAT DO YOU SAY, PAL? YOUR VERY OWN DAY. 529 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,153 THAT'S GOT TO MAKE YOU -- HOLD ON A SECOND. 530 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:51,789 BRACE YOURSELVES. HE'S GONNA SMILE. 531 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,900 [ EXHALES ] I HEAR EVE WENT 3-FOR-3 532 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,302 AT THE GAME LAST NIGHT, HMM? 533 00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:05,703 AH, IT WAS A GREAT GAME. 534 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,405 SHE DID IT WITHOUT HER LUCKY SOCKS. MM. 535 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,141 THANK GOD I HAD MY LUCKY HAT ON. 536 00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:12,843 YEAH, WELL, I'M LUCKY I NEVER GOT 537 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:14,545 HOOKED ON SUPERSTITION. 538 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,714 YOU KNOW? YEP. 539 00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:21,219 THAT WAS NICE WHAT YOU DID TODAY WITH THE VLOG. 540 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,588 I'M A REALLY GREAT GUY. IT'S ALL THERE IN THE ARTICLE. 541 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,858 LISTEN, IF WE GOT PROBLEMS THAT WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT, 542 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:29,694 LET'S NOT BOTTLE 'EM UP FROM NOW ON. 543 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,195 I AGREE, I AGREE. 544 00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:33,664 IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO PULL OUT THE CORK, EH? 545 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,566 [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH. [ LAUGHS ] 546 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,402 THERE YOU GO. SO, ANYTHING ELSE YOU, UH, 547 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,838 YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST, HUH? 548 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,708 I HATE THOSE CURTAINS. 549 00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:46,344 [ EXHALES ] YEAH,I AGREE. 550 00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:47,545 [ LAUGHS ] 551 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,046 YEAH, THERE YOU GO. I FEEL BETTER. 552 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,616 WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN IN 25 YEARS, HUH? 553 00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:54,185 [ GLASSES CLINK ] 25 YEARS. 554 00:20:54,187 --> 00:20:55,953 KINDA WISHFUL THINKING ON YOUR PART. 41586

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