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1
00:00:02,635 --> 00:00:03,969
"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED
2
00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:05,170
IN FRONT OF A LIVESTUDIO AUDIENCE.
3
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:05,971
GOOD MORNING.
4
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,006
OHH.
5
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:08,007
MMM.
MMM.
6
00:00:08,009 --> 00:00:11,010
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
7
00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:12,511
WAIT A MINUTE --
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
8
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,046
THE "I LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE A GREAT HUSBAND."
9
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,181
IT SOUNDS LIKE, "I LOVE YOU.
I SCRATCHED YOUR TRUCK."
10
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:19,118
IF I SCRATCHED
YOUR TRUCK,
11
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,053
I WOULD KNOW ENOUGH
TO JUST KEEP DRIVING.
12
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:22,488
SO, EVERYTHING'S GOOD?
YEAH.
13
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,489
ALL RIGHT.
14
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:24,656
IT'S JUST THAT --
15
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,692
OHHHH, BOY.
16
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,360
WELL, SUZY SHAW
AND BETSY WOLF
17
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,129
ARE COMING TO TOWN
THIS WEEKEND.
18
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,998
THOSE OLD BROADS
STILL TRAVEL?
19
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,968
YES, MY COLLEGE ROOMMATES
CAN STILL TRAVEL.
20
00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:38,470
HONEY, YOU SHOULD SEE THEM
ON FACEBOOK.
21
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:41,006
FOR "OLD BROADS,"
THEY LOOK AMAZING.
22
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,042
I'VE SEEN SUZY
ON FACEBOOK.
23
00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:44,777
A LITTLE TOO MUCH BOTOX.
24
00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:48,180
SHE HAS THE SAME EXPRESSION
AT HER SURPRISE PARTY
25
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:49,982
AS SHE DOES
AT HER DAD'S FUNERAL.
26
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,085
I FEEL
A LITTLE INSECURE.
27
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,587
I MEAN, THEY USED TO CALL US
"THE THREE HOT TODDIES,"
28
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:59,558
AND NOW I'M AFRAID IT'LL BE
TWO TODDIES AND A MOSCOW MULE.
29
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,994
TRUTH IS, I MARRIED
A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
30
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:05,030
FROM WHERE I STAND, SHE'S JUST
AS BEAUTIFUL AS SHE EVER WAS.
31
00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:06,198
THANKS, HONEY.
32
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,100
I KEEP TELLING MYSELF
THAT AGE IS JUST A NUMBER.
33
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,402
AND NO MATTER
HOW CRAZY-BIG THAT NUMBER GETS,
34
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,304
I'LL STILL LOVE YOU,
MOM.
35
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,040
THANK YOU, MANDY.
36
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,842
SO, HOW'S
THE FASHION BUSINESS, HUH?
37
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:20,446
WELL, I.M.H.O.,
MY L.B.D.s COULD END UP
BEING A REALLY B.F.D.
38
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:21,613
CUT THE HIPSTER TALK.
39
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,449
SHE'S ALREADY FEELING
REALLY OLD TODAY.
40
00:01:24,884 --> 00:01:27,853
IN MY HUMBLE OPINION,
MY LITTLE BLACK DRESSES
41
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:30,889
COULD END UP BEING
A REALLY BIG FRICKIN' DEAL.
42
00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:33,092
SOME GENERATIONS
WIN WORLD WARS.
43
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,560
SOME WIN COLD WARS.
44
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:37,362
SOME COME UP WITH
SNAZZY ABBREVIATIONS.
45
00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:38,530
BYE.
46
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,266
HEY, UM...
I.L.Y.
47
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,769
[ Chuckling ] OH. YEAH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
48
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:46,271
I LOVE YAMS.
49
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:49,208
BUT WHAT A WEIRD WAY
TO SAY "HAVE A NICE DAY."
50
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,209
BYE, HONEY.
BYE, GUYS.
51
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:51,477
BYE!
BYE!
52
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,480
WOW. MANDY, HONEY,
THESE DRESSES LOOK AMAZING.
53
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:55,814
I KNOW, RIGHT?
YEAH.
54
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:58,484
BUT I NEED TO TAKE SOME
NEW PICTURES FOR THE WEBSITE,
55
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:01,086
AND I'M HOPING TO FIND
A SLIGHTLY LEGGIER MODEL
56
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,956
THAN, UH,
SERGEANT STUMPY OVER THERE.
57
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,557
HEY.
I'M TALLER THAN YOU.
58
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,658
HUH?
59
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,228
NO WAY.
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?
60
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,762
UH, A WHILE AGO.
61
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:13,198
BUT TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS, I'VE
BEEN WALKING AROUND ON MY KNEES.
62
00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:17,169
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT --
I TOWER OVER BOTH OF YOU,
63
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:20,005
SO, MANDY, MAYBE --
MAYBE I SHOULD BE YOUR MODEL.
64
00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:23,575
OKAY.
65
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:27,813
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE JOKING,
BUT, LIKE...DON'T.
66
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:31,016
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK I COULD
PULL OFF ONE OF YOUR L.B.D.s?
67
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:31,850
AH.
68
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,152
IT'S JUST THAT, UM...
69
00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:35,154
MODELING IS
A REALLY DANGEROUS BUSINESS.
70
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:36,155
OKAY.
71
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:38,857
AND I JUST --
I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO MUCH
72
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,260
TO SEE YOU
GET ADDICTED TO HEROIN.
73
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:43,195
SO...
74
00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,497
I'M GONNA STICK
WITH EVE.
75
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:50,702
-- Captions by VITAC --
76
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,308
MAYBE WE SHOULD DO
THE YOUNG ONE -- LIKE THAT.
77
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,309
HEY.
78
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:58,477
HI. HOW WERE DRILLS?
79
00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,645
TOUGH.
80
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,380
IT'S JUST NICE KNOWING
WE'RE OUT THERE HITTING IT
81
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,715
WHILE THE RUSKIES
ARE STILL IN BED.
82
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,950
THE RUSKIES
AREN'T IN BED.
83
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,752
THEY'RE DOING JELLO SHOTS
IN THE UKRAINE.
84
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,388
AND YOU KNOW
WHO TO BLAME FOR THAT?
85
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:12,224
OBAMA.
OBAMA.
86
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,993
COUPLE YEARS, GUYS,
YOU'LL HAVE HILLARY TO BLAME
87
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,162
FOR EVERYTHING
VLADIMIR PUTIN DOES.
88
00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:20,832
WOW. I LIKE BLAMING HER
FOR STUFF.
89
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:23,235
BUT, THEN AGAIN, TO BLAME HER,
SHE'D HAVE TO BE PRESIDENT.
90
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:25,270
THESE ARE THE TOUGH CHOICES
WE FACE AS AMERICANS.
91
00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:28,340
HEY.
92
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:30,175
HOME SO SOON
FROM SPENCER'S PARTY?
93
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,977
UH, BOYD
GOT THROWN OUT.
94
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,545
WHAT?
FROM A BIRTHDAY PARTY?
95
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,281
ONE TOO MANY JUICE BOXES.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
96
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:39,151
HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
97
00:03:39,153 --> 00:03:41,920
SPENCER'S MOM SAID
I BROKE THE RULES.
98
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,323
BOYD HAD THE OTHER
KIDS RUNNING AROUND
THE YARD PLAYING WAR.
99
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,325
YOU KNOW, SHOOTING
FINGER PISTOLS AT EACH OTHER.
100
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,126
STOP IT!
101
00:03:49,929 --> 00:03:52,231
A 7-YEAR-OLD
WITH A FINGER PISTOL?!
102
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:56,335
DID YOU GET HIT
WITH ANY BOOGER BAZOOKAS?
103
00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:59,838
IF THEY COME
FOR MY FINGER,
104
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,375
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY IT
FROM MY COLD, DEAD HAND.
105
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,178
WE WERE JUST PLAYING
"DIRTY DOZEN."
106
00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:08,347
I WAS LEE MARVIN.
107
00:04:09,382 --> 00:04:10,682
THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE A BORN LEADER.
108
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,285
SERIOUSLY, MIKE? YOU SHOWED HIM
"THE DIRTY DOZEN"?
109
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,621
HOW DO YOU THINK
HE LEARNED HOW TO COUNT TO 12?
110
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,289
YOU'RE WELCOME.
111
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,791
SO, THIS WHOLE
UGLY INCIDENT OCCURRED
112
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:23,295
BECAUSE OF CERTAIN INFLUENCES
THAT BOYD HAS IN HIS LIFE.
113
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,631
TO BE CLEAR, WE ALL KNOW
I'M TALKING ABOUT MIKE, RIGHT?
114
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,699
YEAH, NOW WHO'S
POINTING FINGERS?
115
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,701
HONEY, COME ON. YOU WANT
TO COME HELP ME UPSTAIRS?
116
00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,403
OKAY.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
117
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:32,371
WE ARE PICKING OUT
AN OUTFIT.
118
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,072
GRANDMA'S MEETING UP
WITH SOME OLD FRIENDS
119
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,641
WHO SHE NEEDS
TO LOOK WAY BETTER THAN.
120
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,376
CAN I CHANGE MY MIND?
121
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,311
NO.
122
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:42,214
I MEAN, COME ON, MIKE.
REALLY? YOU SHOWED
HIM "THE DIRTY DOZEN"?
123
00:04:42,216 --> 00:04:44,383
I DON'T WANT HIM
PRETENDING TO KILL GERMANS.
124
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:47,386
SINCE WHEN DO YOU BECOME
SO PRO-NAZI?
125
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,722
I AM NOT PRO-NAZI.
I'M JUST ANTI-VIOLENCE.
126
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,595
ALTHOUGH I REALIZE I'M PREACHING
IN THE WRONG CHURCH HERE.
127
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:57,996
CALM DOWN, BETTY.
128
00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,732
I'M JUST GOING OFF
TO PLAY PAINTBALL.
129
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,267
THIS IS
WHERE IT STARTS.
130
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,603
AS A CULTURE, WE TEACH
OUR CHILDREN TO BE VIOLENT.
131
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,672
NO, NO, NO.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE TAUGHT.
132
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:09,341
YOU STUFF A PAPER DONKEY
FULL OF CANDY,
133
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:13,011
GIVE KIDS STICKS, WATCH NATURE
JUST TAKE ITS COURSE.
134
00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:16,581
I STILL REMEMBER
MY FIRST PIÑATA.
135
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:18,283
THE ONLY THING
DORA WAS EXPLORING
136
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:20,352
WAS THE BUSINESS END
OF A BASEBALL BAT.
137
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,424
WELL, I WOULD APPRECIATE
IF EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
138
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:26,925
YOU COULD SHOW BOYD
A MOVIE
139
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,027
WHERE CONFLICT IS SETTLED
THROUGH DIPLOMACY.
140
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,262
SO TYPICAL, RYAN.
141
00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:32,297
YOU WANT ALL THE PROTECTION
THE MILITARY PROVIDES,
142
00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:34,833
BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW
HOW THEY MAKE THE SAUSAGE.
143
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,002
I KNOW HOW THEY MAKE
THE SAUSAGE.
144
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,371
IT'S A BIG PART
OF WHY I'M A VEGETARIAN.
145
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,406
ENJOY YOUR LENTIL CHOPS,
HIPPIE.
146
00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:44,042
I'M OFF TO SHOOT PEOPLE
WITH PAINT.
147
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,310
BYE!
BYE!
BYE!
148
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:46,878
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T SEE THE HARM
149
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,281
STEERING BOYD
TOWARDS NONVIOLENT ACTIVITIES.
150
00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:51,683
HE JUST HELPED ME PICK OUT
THIS VERY PRETTY SCARF.
151
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:55,487
I THINK
WE FOUND THE HARM.
152
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,489
HEY.
HI.
153
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,489
CAN YOU BELIEVE
OUR KID?
154
00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:01,026
THE ONE I DON'T BELIEVE
IS SPENCER'S MOM.
155
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,395
THEY WERE PLAYING WAR
WITH THEIR FINGERS.
156
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,497
WELL, I GOT A FINGER
FOR HER.
157
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,332
WE HAVE A RULE
AMONG PARENTS --
158
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,968
YOU INVITE MY KID TO A PARTY,
HE'S YOURS FOR FOUR HOURS.
159
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,570
OH, THAT REMINDS ME --
I'VE GOT THAT HAIR APPOINTMENT,
160
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,572
AND MARCI HAS A REALLY STRICT
CANCELATION POLICY.
OF COURSE. YES. GO.
161
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:14,973
LET THE LADIES
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
162
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,141
YOU GO
GET YOUR HAIR DONE.
163
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:19,678
SO, HOW'S, UH, BOYD DOING
WITH ALL THIS?
164
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,713
YOU KNOW, HE ONLY HAS
A FEW FRIENDS,
165
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,382
AND SPENCER
WAS HIS FAVORITE.
166
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,417
I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS
HAVING TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS.
167
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:27,719
THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S LEE MARVIN,
THE LEADER.
168
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,188
CAN NEVER GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE
'CAUSE...
169
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,257
THEY ALWAYS COME AFTER
THE ONES YOU LOVE.
170
00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:36,228
MIKE, HONEY, THIS IS TROUBLING.
I MEAN ALL OF IT.
171
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:39,398
BOYD'S STRUGGLE TO MAKE FRIENDS,
YOUR CRUSH ON LEE MARVIN.
172
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:43,335
HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE FRIENDS
WITH THIS SPENCER WEENIE.
173
00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:45,404
I MEAN, 7-YEAR-OLDS MAKE FRIENDS
QUICKER THAN DRUNKS.
174
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,038
THEY'RE FIGHTING ONE MINUTE,
AND THE NEXT,
175
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,040
[ Slurring ]
"I LOVE YOU, MAN. I DO."
176
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:52,511
HI, MOMMY. I GOT 86'ed
OUT OF THE PARTY.
177
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:53,512
OH, I KNOW, SWEETIE,
178
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,580
BUT DID YOU AT LEAST
GET TO EAT SOME CAKE?
179
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:58,183
NO. AND IT WAS CARROT
WITH SOY ICE CREAM.
180
00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,251
OHHH.
181
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:02,120
SPENCER'S MOM
DID YOU A FAVOR, PAL.
182
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,456
CAN WE DO
SOMETHING FUN NOW?
183
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,625
OH, THAT'S A LITTLE BIT
OF A PROBLEM.
184
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,894
YOU SEE, MOMMY HAS TO
GET BACK TO WORK.
185
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:09,961
WELL,
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
186
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,563
GRANDPA CAN TAKE YOU
TO OUTDOOR MAN,
187
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,398
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE WE'RE
HAVING A WEEKEND PROMOTION,
188
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,966
LOT OF KID STUFF TO DO.
OH, YEAH?
189
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,469
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S A BOUNCY HOUSE,
ARCADE, FACE PAINTING.
190
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:18,870
WE'LL MEET
SOME NEW FRIENDS.
191
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,572
THERE'LL BE
MORE SPENCERS THERE
192
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,441
THAN YOU CAN
SHAKE A STICK AT.
193
00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:23,408
AND DOWN AT OUTDOOR MAN,
194
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,544
YOU CAN ACTUALLY
SHAKE STICKS AT PEOPLE.
195
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,146
SOUNDS PERFECT, DAD.
THANK YOU.
196
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,549
BUT BEFORE WE GO,
COME UP AND HELP GRANDPA
PICK OUT AN OUTFIT.
197
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:31,550
COME ON!
198
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,425
CAN I PLAY SHOOTING GALLERY,
GRANDPA?
199
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:42,227
BOYD, WE'RE NOT DOING THAT
RIGHT NOW.
200
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,663
WE'RE COMING HERE TO PLAY GAMES
AND -- AND MAKE FRIENDS HERE.
201
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:47,332
LIKE...GO IN THE BOUNCY HOUSE.
A LOT OF NICE KIDS IN THERE.
202
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,434
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO THE BOUNCY HOUSE.
YOU'RE GONNA GO --
203
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,735
I WANT TO SHOOT
THE RIFLES.
204
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,070
STOP, STOP, STOP.
CALM DOWN.
PLE-E-E-E-ASE?
205
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,238
LET THE KID SHOOT!
206
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,106
THERE'S A PITCH
TO THAT WHINE
207
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,175
THAT CUTS
RIGHT THROUGH MY SKULL.
208
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,478
LET'S DO A LITTLE SNACK.
HOW ABOUT A PRETZEL?
209
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,780
TAKE HIM OVER THERE AND JUST
SPRAY MUSTARD ALL OVER HIS FACE.
210
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:04,416
THAT'S WHERE IT'S GONNA END UP
ANYWAY, RIGHT?
211
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:07,185
ALL RIGHT, THESE GLASSES
BELONG TO THAT GIRL,
212
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,254
AND THIS INHALER
IS HIS.
213
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,990
OR IS IT
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
214
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,259
IT'S OKAY, KYLE. GIVE THAT
TO WHOEVER STARTS WHEEZING.
215
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:16,528
GET THIS.
216
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,929
HEH?
217
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,165
BOYD GOES TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY
TODAY, AND THEY KICK HIM OUT
218
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,367
FOR POINTING A FINGER GUN
AT ANOTHER KID.
219
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:25,003
COME ON.
A FINGER PISTOL?
YEAH.
220
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,471
THEY'RE COMING
FOR THESE NOW? COME ON.
221
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,472
I KNOW.
222
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:29,207
SOME LADY
AT THE PARTY --
223
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,442
HIS DAD --
224
00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:33,111
GOT ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE
ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW.
225
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,380
SO...HE DOESN'T LIKE
SIMULATED VIOLENCE.
226
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:36,882
COUNTRY'S GONE SOFT,
MIKE.
227
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:39,351
IT USED TO BE AIR RIFLES
WERE STANDARD ISSUE,
228
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:40,886
YOU KNOW,
IN THE FIRST GRADE.
229
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,622
I TOOK MORE SHRAPNEL
IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
230
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:46,625
THAN I EVER DID
IN VIETNAM.
231
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,693
NOW THESE KIDS ARE SPENDING
ALL THEIR TIME IN BASEMENTS
232
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:51,329
EATING CHEETOS,
SHOOTING ZOMBIES,
233
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:54,666
GETTING FAKE EXERCISE
AND REAL FAT.
234
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,302
POW, POW!
I GOT YOU, GRANDPA!
235
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,637
[ CHUCKLES ]
LOOK AT THAT.
236
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,405
THE BOY'S MADE A GUN
OUT OF A PRETZEL.
237
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:03,441
THE GERMANS
WOULD BE PROUD, KID.
238
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,844
BETTER WATCH
THAT CURVED BARREL,
239
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:09,014
OR YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT YOURSELF
IN THE SCHNITZEL.
240
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,249
NOW CAN I GO TO
THE SHOOTING GALLERY, GRANDPA?
241
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,484
NO, WE'RE GONNA GET
IN THE BOUNCY.
242
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,185
COME ON. NOW, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, MIKE?
243
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,555
IT'S THE WAY
LITTLE BOYS ARE WIRED.
244
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,523
HMM?
245
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,692
LISTEN, AS FAR AS
ANYONE'S CONCERNED,
246
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,395
I MIGHT HAVE LOST TRACK OF YOU
FOR A HALF-HOUR.
247
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,729
LET'S GO. COME ON.
248
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,765
HEY, PAUL, LINE 'EM UP.
249
00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:33,505
MOM, DON'T WORRY.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.
250
00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:37,108
WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE
YOU RAN SOMEBODY OVER?
251
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,710
BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT SHE SAID
252
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:41,346
THAT TIME
THAT SHE RAN SOMEBODY OVER.
253
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,214
THIS IS WAY BIGGER
THAN THAT, OKAY?
254
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,250
I FIGURED OUT A WAY
FOR YOU TO LOOK AWESOME
255
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,252
WHEN YOU MEET UP
WITH YOUR SCHOOL FRIENDS,
256
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,453
ETHEL AND MILDRED.
257
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:51,790
SUZY AND BETSY!
258
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:52,924
WHO ARE THEY?
259
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,426
UH, MOM'S HOT FRIENDS
FROM COLLEGE.
260
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,061
SUZY LOOKS LIKE
SHE'S 30.
261
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,429
EW. 30.
262
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,697
SAD.
263
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:01,433
♪ TA-DA-DA-DA ♪
264
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,635
SWEETIE! THANK YOU!
265
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,537
OOH, LET ME SEE.
266
00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:06,538
WELL.
267
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,406
A LITTLE SHORT,
BUT I LIKE IT.
268
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,376
OH, GOD, NO!
THAT'S JUST THE FIRST LAYER.
269
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:12,711
ALL RIGHT.
270
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:15,981
SO, HERE ARE THE LEGGINGS
TO LAYER UNDER THAT.
271
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,082
OKAY.
272
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,484
AND THEN WE GOT A SWEATER
TO LAYER OVER.
273
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,152
THEN WE GOT
THIS NICE SCARF
274
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:24,222
SO YOU CAN JUST COVER UP
ALL THAT, LIKE, UGGGGH!
275
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:27,325
SUPER-WIDE BELT JUST TO
SORT OF "SSSK!" IN THE MIDDLE.
276
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:30,895
SO, FOR ME, BEING AWESOME
MEANS "NOT VISIBLE"?
277
00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:33,898
OH, MY GOD.
MOM, I'M SO SORRY.
278
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,001
TOTALLY FORGOT THE PONCHO.
HOLD THAT!
279
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,604
HONEY,
I'M NOT WEARING THIS.
280
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:42,807
I MAY NOT BE 22,
BUT I'M NOT THE ELEPHANT WOMAN.
281
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:43,808
GOOD FOR YOU.
282
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,076
YEAH,
I'M WITH VANESSA.
283
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,511
I MEAN,
WHAT MAKES SOCIETY THINK
284
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,380
THAT AN OLDER WOMAN
CAN'T BE SEXY?
285
00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,682
THEIR EYES?
286
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:53,418
THANK YOU, RYAN.
287
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:54,519
YOU KNOW WHAT?
288
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:56,988
I THINK I COULD
TOTALLY PULL THIS ONE OFF.
289
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,524
OOH. NOT IF DAD
PULLS IT OFF YOU FIRST.
290
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:00,692
OH, GROSS!
291
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:03,395
YEAH, NOW THAT MIKE'S IN
THE MIX, I'M KIND OF WITH MANDY.
292
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:08,700
I AM GONNA WEAR THIS DRESS,
AND I AM GONNA LOOK HOT.
293
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,769
KARDASHIAN HOT.
294
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:14,072
OH, AND NOT THE MOM
OR THE TALL ONE.
295
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:20,045
AH.
I BLAME FOREVER 21.
296
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:23,515
YOU KNOW, THEY SHOULD
REALLY CALL THAT PLACE
"FACE IT, YOU'RE 50."
297
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,319
PAINTBALL IS AWESOME!
298
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:29,521
Kristin: WHAT?
299
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:30,555
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED
300
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,390
TO "WAIT AND LET'S SEE
IF THEY NOTICE"?
301
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,160
YOU SAID HE WAS
TAKING HIM FACE PAINTING.
302
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:37,462
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT
A LITTLE BIT ON HIS FACE.
303
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,631
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S ACTUALLY
GERMAN SPICY MUSTARD.
304
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,166
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU,
MIKE.
305
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:42,801
I MEAN, AFTER EVERYTHING
WE TALKED ABOUT,
306
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,035
YOU TAKE HIM
PAINTBALLING?
307
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,136
THIS IS NOT PAINTBALL.
308
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,905
IT'S CALLED SPLAT-BALL.
IT'S LOW-IMPACT.
309
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,506
IT'S JUST FOR KIDS.
WHY WAS HE EVEN THERE?
310
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,075
THEY CAME TO PICK ME UP
FROM PAINTBALL,
311
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,910
AND THERE WERE SOME KIDS
FROM BOYD'S SCHOOL PLAYING.
312
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,812
THE LUCKY ONES
THAT DIDN'T GET INVITED
313
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:55,647
TO THAT WEENIE SPENCER'S PARTY,
OKAY?
314
00:11:55,649 --> 00:11:58,149
IT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF KIDS.
THEY SAW BOYD SITTING THERE.
315
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,418
THEY INVITED HIM TO PLAY.
HE MADE A BUNCH OF FRIENDS.
316
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,820
THAT WAS THE IDEA --
TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS, RIGHT?
317
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:05,356
YEAH, FRIENDS WITH GUNS --
THAT'S CALLED A GANG.
318
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,592
THEY EVEN GAVE ME
A NICKNAME.
YEAH?
319
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:12,063
"BULLSEYE," LIKE A SCARY EYE
ON A BIG, TOUGH BULL.
320
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,599
YEAH, THAT'S...PROBABLY
WHY THEY GAVE YOU THAT NICKNAME.
321
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:19,404
HE SEEMED TO REALLY HIT IT OFF
WITH THIS KID MAX.
322
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,040
MAX IS GONNA PLAY AGAIN
NEXT WEEK. CAN I GO, TOO, DAD?
323
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,442
SOUNDS LIKE HE REALLY DID
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
324
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:27,512
MAX CAN DRINK SODA
THROUGH HIS NOSE.
325
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:30,248
WELL, UH, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR BUDDY SPENCER?
326
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,551
SPENCER'S MOM
WON'T LET HIM DRINK SODA.
327
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,619
BABE, PLEASE?
328
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,455
I GUESS WE'LL BE SEEING
A LOT MORE OF MAX.
329
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,191
MAX IS GOOD PEOPLE.
330
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:43,261
THE KID WAS NICE ENOUGH
TO SHARE HIS AMMO WITH BOYD.
331
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,197
HERE, HERE...HERE.
332
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,107
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
333
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,076
WE'LL SEE YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES.
334
00:12:58,078 --> 00:13:00,445
AND TELL SPENCER
I'LL WHIP HIM UP
SOME MAC AND CHEESE.
335
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,113
OF COURSE GLUTEN-FREE.
336
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:05,717
OF COURSE
WITHOUT THE CHEESE.
337
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:07,786
GREAT NEWS, BUDDY.
338
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:09,120
SPENCER'S COMING OVER
FOR A PLAYDATE.
339
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,455
YAY! I'M GONNA GO
BUILD A FORT!
340
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,790
OH. OKAY.
341
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:15,760
BUT A NONVIOLENT PEACE FORT
WHERE EVERYBODY IS WELCOME.
342
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,762
THAT IS GREAT THAT SANDRA'S
LETTING SPENCER COMING OVER.
343
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,097
I KNOW.
YEAH.
344
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,166
THAT'S THE KIND OF FRIEND
I WANT BOYD TO HAVE, YOU KNOW?
345
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,834
NOT THOSE GUNSLINGING
MINI PSYCHOS
346
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,469
YOUR DAD
HOOKED HIM UP WITH.
347
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,604
ALL RIGHT.
ENOUGH, OKAY?
348
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,573
UH, HOW DID YOU GET SANDRA
TO AGREE?
349
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,842
OH, YOU KNOW,
I CAN BE VERY PERSUASIVE --
350
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:34,779
ESPECIALLY WHEN I USE
THE [Deep voice] NPR VOICE.
351
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:35,847
OH, YEAH.
352
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,749
I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU
353
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:40,418
OR...PLEDGE MONEY.
354
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,120
WELL, EITHER WAY,
YOU WILL GET A TOTE BAG.
355
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,488
[ CHUCKLES ]
356
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,857
NOW, SANDRA JUST WANTED TO
MAKE SURE OUR HOUSE WAS SAFE --
357
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:48,193
YOU KNOW, NO GUNS,
NO MEAN DOGS OR ANYTHING.
358
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,262
UH, AND...
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?
359
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,832
THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE.
360
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,366
IS...THAT A PROBLEM?
361
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,635
DID WE GET AN INVISIBLE DOG
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?
362
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:58,803
[ CHUCKLES ] NO.
363
00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:00,505
IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
AS A PARENT,
364
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,641
I CAN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE
LIE TO ANOTHER MOM, SO...
365
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:06,344
WELL, YEAH, OKAY, BUT WE DIDN'T
LIE TO HER, SO...
366
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:10,782
WELL, WE ACTUALLY...
KIND OF...
367
00:14:10,784 --> 00:14:12,750
HAVE A-A GUN.
368
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:16,287
[ LAUGHS ]
369
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,090
NO, WE DON'T.
370
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,560
I HAVE A GUN.
371
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,295
NO, YOU DON'T.
372
00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:26,497
YOU HAVE A GUN?
373
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,800
I NEVER MENTIONED IT?
374
00:14:28,802 --> 00:14:30,869
I MAY NOT LISTEN
TO EVERYTHING YOU SAY, KRIS,
375
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,170
BUT I REMEMBER
THE BIG ONES,
376
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:35,506
LIKE "I'M PREGNANT"
AND "I HAVE A GUN."
377
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,876
IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN UNLOADED
AND COMPLETELY LOCKED UP.
378
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,645
YOU KNOW THAT SAFE THAT'S
ON THE TOP SHELF OF MY CLOSET?
379
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:41,913
YEAH.
THAT'S FOR JEWELRY.
380
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,582
HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN ME JEWELRY
WORTH PUTTING IN A SAFE?
381
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:47,719
OKAY, THAT'S FAIR.
382
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,021
BUT HOW COULD YOU BRING
A DEADLY WEAPON INTO OUR HOUSE
383
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,756
AND WHEN WERE YOU
GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT?
384
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,758
IDEALLY,
RIGHT AFTER SAVING YOUR LIFE
385
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,727
BY SHOOTING AN INTRUDER.
386
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,328
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,
KRIS!
387
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,397
LOOK, I GOT THE GUN
WHEN I WAS A KID.
388
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,199
I-I KNOW
THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY TO YOU,
389
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,401
BUT FROM MY DAD,
IT WAS A LOVING GIFT.
390
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,870
HE -- HE WOULD TAKE ME
TO THE TARGET RANGE
391
00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:08,239
AND TEACH ME
GUN SAFETY,
392
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:11,442
AND THEN AFTERWARDS, WE'D GO OUT
AND GET ROOT-BEER FLOATS.
393
00:15:12,444 --> 00:15:16,414
OKAY, LOOK, I AM GLAD
THAT YOU HAVE THESE WARM...
394
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,784
VIOLENT MEMORIES
WITH YOUR FATHER,
395
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:21,419
BUT YOU DON'T LIVE WITH HIM
ANYMORE.
396
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,854
THIS IS OUR HOUSE --
397
00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:25,390
A PLACE WHERE PARENTS
EXPECT THEIR KIDS TO BE SAFE,
398
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:27,692
A-A PLACE WHERE
THERE'S NO GUNS IN THE CLOSET
399
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,594
AND NO CHEESE
IN THE MAC AND CHEESE.
400
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,897
WELL, MY DAD WOULD ARGUE THAT
HAVING A GUN MAKES IT SAFER.
401
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:34,699
BUT WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE,
KRIS?
402
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,901
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
403
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,403
LOOK,
YOU HAVE TO DECIDE THAT.
404
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:39,971
SPENCER'S HERE!
405
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,940
WAIT, HONEY.
DON'T ANSWER IT YET.
406
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:44,509
WHY? SO YOU CAN LAY DOWN
SOME COVER FIRE?
407
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,781
[ SIGHS ]
408
00:15:59,658 --> 00:16:01,059
THAT'S GREAT.
409
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,995
NOW YOU GO UP AND PUT
SOMETHING PROPER ON, YOUNG LADY.
410
00:16:05,497 --> 00:16:09,000
SORRY. JUST HABIT.
411
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,969
THIS IS WHAT I'M WEARING TO HAVE
COCKTAILS WITH MY FRIENDS.
412
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,103
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
413
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:15,974
WHAT I THINK IS,
"SUCK IT, MEN. I WIN."
414
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,809
[ LAUGHS ]
415
00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:21,012
HEY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
416
00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:22,714
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
417
00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:28,519
SHE'S SPEECHLESS. ANOTHER REASON
TO LOVE THAT DRESS.
418
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:30,621
YOU KNOW WHAT?
419
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:32,690
I MAY NOT ROCK IT
LIKE SOMEBODY YOUNGER WOULD,
420
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,292
BUT I THINK
I LOOK PRETTY DARN NICE.
421
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,660
UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.
STOP.
422
00:16:37,429 --> 00:16:38,363
TURN.
423
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:41,566
TURN.
424
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,337
TURN.
NO, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M NOT TURNING.
425
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,173
NO, NO, KEEP SPINNING.
IT'LL SAVE MONEY ON BOOZE.
426
00:16:52,378 --> 00:16:54,379
MANDY,
WHAT -- WHAT IS IT?
427
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,514
MOM...
428
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,484
I WAS WRONG TO THINK
THAT YOU CAN'T WEAR MY DESIGNS
429
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:01,185
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD.
430
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:07,558
THAT WAS SO CLOSE
TO A COMPLIMENT.
431
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,863
YOU LOOK SMOKIN'-HOT,
MOM.
432
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,131
[ LAUGHS ]
THANK YOU.
433
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,099
I'M A MIRACLE WORKER.
434
00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:20,671
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
435
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,707
YOU'VE PROVED MANDY WRONG.
436
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,977
JOIN THE CLUB --
THE HUGE CLUB.
437
00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:28,079
YEAH. IT FEELS GREAT --
REALLY GREAT.
438
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,080
GOOD.
YEAH.
439
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,314
I'M GONNA GO
TAKE THIS DRESS OFF NOW.
440
00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:32,150
WHY?
I PROVED MY POINT.
441
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:35,186
I JUST -- I WANT TO GO
OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS
AND FEEL COMFORTABLE.
442
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,888
DON'T YOU WANT THEM
TO SEE THIS?
443
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:39,257
BET YOU SUZY'S REACTION --
SURPRISE, EXCITEMENT, JEALOUSY.
444
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,759
KIND OF HARD TO TELL WITH
THE BOTOX. IT'LL JUST BE...
445
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,730
WELL...IT IS NICE
446
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,199
TO LET THE GIRLS OUT
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
447
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:49,967
BELIEVE ME,
THE BOYS LIKE IT.
448
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:53,938
OKAY.
WELL, THEN I'LL WEAR IT.
449
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,106
GOOD. GOOD.
HAVE FUN.
450
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:56,274
DON'T WAIT UP.
451
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:57,408
OH, I'LL BE UP.
452
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:01,846
[ Laughing ] WOW.
MOM, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
453
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,414
I KNOW.
454
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,019
HEY, HEY, DAD, UH,
CAN I TALK TO YOU?
455
00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:09,220
UH, SURE.
456
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:12,056
YOU KNOW, THE BEST THING
ABOUT YOU MOVING OUT
457
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:15,593
IS I GET TO SEE
SO MUCH OF YOU.
458
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:19,630
UM, LOOK, I...
I NEED YOU...
459
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,866
TO KEEP THIS HERE
FOR ME.
460
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,135
YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE,
HAVEN'T YOU?
461
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:28,039
WE GOT TO
GET OUR STORIES STRAIGHT.
462
00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:32,243
NO, UH, RYAN DOESN'T WANT IT
IN THE APARTMENT.
463
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:34,645
TAKING ORDERS
FROM RYAN, HUH?
464
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:36,481
IT WAS MY DECISION.
465
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,649
IT'S YOUR RIGHT.
466
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,285
IT'S ALSO MY RIGHT TO TELL YOU
IT'S A STUPID DECISION.
467
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:44,455
IN THE CAR ON THE WAY OVER HERE,
I WAS, UH, THINKING
468
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,891
ABOUT THAT SUMMER UP AT CAMP
WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHOOT.
469
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,059
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
470
00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:49,093
UH, TICK SUMMER.
471
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:51,262
NO, THAT WAS
THE SUNBURN SUMMER.
472
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:52,262
YEAH.
473
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:53,831
YOU LINED UP THE CANS
ON THE FENCE,
474
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,267
AND YOU TOLD ME TO PRETEND
THAT THEY WERE CRAIG GERARD
475
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,736
BECAUSE HE KEPT CALLING ME
"SISSY KRISSY."
476
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,738
HE ENDED UP MARRYING
A DUDE, DIDN'T HE?
MM-HMM.
477
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,840
SO HE WAS PROBABLY
JUST PROJECTING BACK THEN.
478
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,810
AND WHEN I WAS 16...
479
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,079
YOU GAVE ME THIS GUN.
480
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:09,780
I HAD A BIG FIGHT
WITH YOUR MOM ABOUT THAT.
481
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:11,082
SHE SAID
WE SHOULD GET YOU A CAR.
482
00:19:11,084 --> 00:19:13,417
I SAID WITH A GUN, YOU CAN GET
WHATEVER CAR YOU WANT.
483
00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:16,287
WHEN I MOVED OUT,
484
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,257
UH, I KNEW I WOULDN'T HAVE YOU
TO PROTECT ME ANYMORE,
485
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:20,691
BUT I HAD THIS.
486
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:23,327
YOU KNOW, IT WAS
A SORT OF PIECE OF YOU WITH ME,
487
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,530
AND IT MADE IT
A LOT EASIER.
488
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,765
BUT I'M
GETTING MARRIED NOW,
489
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:31,169
AND I WANT RYAN TO FEEL
COMFORTABLE IN OUR HOME,
490
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,437
SO I AM GETTING RID
OF THE COUCH
491
00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:35,840
AND ANYTHING
THAT KILLS PEOPLE.
492
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,309
THANK GOD YOU GOT BOYD AROUND
TO PROTECT YOU.
493
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:41,345
THAT AND WE DON'T OWN
ANYTHING WORTH STEALING, SO...
494
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:44,282
WELL, CERTAINLY
NOT ANYMORE.
495
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,349
DAD --
496
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,185
I GET IT.
I GET IT, OKAY?
497
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:48,786
ARE YOU MAD?
NO, I'M NOT MAD.
498
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,288
I JUST WANT YOU
TO REMEMBER --
499
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,889
WHEN HE'S OUT DELIVERING
FOR A WEEKEND
500
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,225
AND YOU HEAR SOME NOISE
IN THE HOUSE THAT SCARES YOU --
501
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,194
I KNOW, I KNOW --
DON'T COME CRYING TO YOU.
502
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:57,828
NO. YOU CALL ME.
503
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,331
I'LL BE THERE
BEFORE YOU HANG UP THE PHONE.
504
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,142
THE BILL OF RIGHTS --
THE ACTUAL BILL OF RIGHTS.
505
00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:13,844
I GOT TO GET THIS BACK.
THEY'RE GONNA BE PRETTY UPSET.
506
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:16,214
THIS SACRED DOCUMENT
MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS
507
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,748
TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
508
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,251
TO A PATRIOT, IT'S A SAFEGUARD
FOR THOSE PERSONAL FREEDOMS
509
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,520
WE HOLD BACK
FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
510
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,989
FOR NIC CAGE,
IT'S A CODED TREASURE MAP
511
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:28,559
LEADING HIM
TO BEN FRANKLIN'S GOLD.
512
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,695
THE FIRST AMENDMENT --
BOY, THAT'S A BIG ONE.
513
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,830
FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND RELIGION,
ALSO KNOWN AS
514
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:36,267
"WHY YOU CAN'T SHOVE
A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
OFF YOUR PORCH."
515
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:38,603
SECOND AMENDMENT --
OH, BOY, HERE WE GO --
516
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:39,704
THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.
517
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,607
AND BY "ARMS," I THINK
THE FOUNDERS ALSO MEANT...
518
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:44,008
FINGER GUNS.
519
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:46,777
OUTDOOR MAN ENCOURAGES
GUN RIGHTS, SAFETY,
520
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:47,912
AND RESPECT FOR OTHERS.
521
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,681
OUR FOCUS MUST BE ON
KEEPING GUNS IN PROPER HANDS.
522
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:53,751
NOW, 99% OF YOU GUN OWNERS
ARE SMART, SANE PEOPLE.
523
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:57,021
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU,
SO GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
524
00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:59,423
THIS MESSAGE IS
FOR THE CRAZY PEOPLE.
525
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:01,058
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
526
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,860
YOU WEAR FULL-BODY ARMOR
527
00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:06,063
AND CARRY AN AK-47
TO ORDER A BURRITO AT CHIPOTLE.
528
00:21:06,065 --> 00:21:07,598
NOT NECESSARY.
529
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,868
IF YOU ASK POLITELY,
THEY'LL GIVE THE EXTRA SALSA.
530
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:14,071
BESIDES, THE LAST THING
YOU FOLKS NEED IS "SPICY FOOD."
531
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:17,375
YOU NEED HELP.
TALK TO SOMEBODY.
532
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,377
AND THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
DON'T COUNT.
533
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,811
FOR THE REST OF US,
534
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:23,614
LET'S CONTINUE TO EXERCISE
OUR GUN RIGHTS RESPONSIBLY.
535
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,216
THAT WAY,
WE CAN KEEP BIG GOVERNMENT
536
00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:26,884
FROM CLIMBING INTO BED
WITH US --
537
00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:29,453
UNLESS YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME
IS BEING SPOONED BY...
538
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:31,522
NANCY PELOSI.
40362
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