Original subtitles

- How did you find me?

- You gave us directions

- We could smell your rotten carcass for miles.

Rooting out evil is what we do.

- I hope you don't think I'll give up easily.

- Oh, I'm counting on you putting up a fight.

Hammer Jack?

And Tiger Bolt?

- Are you ready for a mouthful of justice?

- A combined 14 inches of justice.

- Good luck, you'll never pin me down for I am

Professor Trench Bottom.

From the impenetrable deep.

- This confession is my hardest.

No pun intended for once.

This has to be the all time dumbest idea.

Super stupid.

- What are you talking about?

This is making money while waiting to make more money.

You just like the attention.

I want to earn a living.

I need to move out of my place sooner or later.

Probably sooner.

I can't waste my time making 50 bucks

plus tips playing dress up.

- It's called cosplay.

I seriously advise you to get an internet connection.

- You are so very funny.

- Trust me, babe. I always get picked up here.

When these comic book geeks see real live superheroes,

they can't hold back.

They have been jacking off to cartoons their entire lives

and finally the cartoons can jack back.

I'm Hammer Jack. - You are sexy.

- It was an indoor version

of Hollywood and Highland or Times Square.

Desperate panhandlers and secondhand costumes

begging for attention and spare change.

Listen, I appreciate you showing me the ropes and all,

but I would probably have to strike out

on my own eventually.

- If you do, that's exactly what'll happen.

You'll strike out.

Why so little faith in me?

I have you branded better

than your confession blogs and your Rent Me ad

is getting mega traffic.

- Yeah, and I spent half the day fielding requests

for dick pics and the other half not getting jobs.

- Okay, you're making more money with me

than you would've without me, even after my cut.

Be patient, young-ish Skywalker.

All will be revealed.

- At least I look good in spandex.

The diet this kid has me on is working.

That picture punches me in the gut

every time I walk into this house.

It probably does the same to Andrew.

Neither of us have had the guts to take it the fuck down.

So much hope and love.

Youth, even though we thought we were old back then.

But not seeing it would sting more than seeing it.

Living with your ex is ridiculous.

Sure, I have excuses.

The housing market, we're trapped.

Besides, we're grown men.

It's all bullshit. I'm stuck here because I wanna be.

X, is that you?

- Yeah, I didn't know you were here.

- I'm all powerful.

There's no way to stop me

from destroying the whole city now.

All he needs is a cat to stroke.

- He's right, Tiger Bolt.

Maybe we can't stop him, but we can top him.

- What?

- Yes, two simple injections.

One from myself and one from my true hearted friend.

- Brilliant idea, Hammer Jack.

- This energy charge

should make you submit Dr. Trench Bottom.

Whoosh.

- Oh!

Can't resist the power.

- Quick, Tiger Bolt, the serum.

- Jam it in his weak spot.

- Must remain strong.

- Quick, Tiger Bolt. Time is running out.

- No.

No, you're not Rubber Man, you're...

I don't want the condoms, guys.

- You're frozen for one second, Trench Bottom.

He likes it raw.

- That's none of my business.

- But he's so adorably old. How can you say no?

- Easy, no. Superheroes put safety first.

- Calm down. You're on PrEP, right?

- Yes, I'm on PrEP, but I'm also on the original PrEP.

I have safe sex.

- Yay, the 80s.

You're topping him. Can't you just go with the flow?

- There was no doubting it.

This kid was a genius in some ways, an evil genius.

But in that moment it was painfully obvious

he was also a kid.

Look, all I can say is with great power

comes great responsibility.

- Fine, we'll work around it.

Just don't let him see you put the fucking thing on.

- Your ice grip wore off.

You'll have to catch me if you're gonna stop.

- This job just went 60/40.

Not so fast, Trench Bottom.

- My high school guidance counselor would be so proud.

Don't you ever wonder what you're gonna do

with the rest of your life

when you realize you're over doing stuff like this?

- Nope because probably, like you,

I will be doing it anyway.

- My own personal Yoda.

I'm so over this.

I could make more money selling actual wieners.

- God, you are such a nag.

These pictures are free ads.

Just make sure these guys are tagging you on Instagram.

All of their friends are gonna wanna fuck you

and their friends are gonna share it with their friends

and their friends' friends will wanna fuck you, too.

And once these friends

and their friends' friends start looking up your accounts

and realizing that they can fuck you, you'll be cashing in.

It's simple math.

- Sounds like a fucking pyramid scam.

- Exactly. A fucking pyramid.

- I'm confused about when you need the place.

Hard to keep track.

- It's not that complicated.

You look thin. Are you sick?

- Thank you.

It's part of the whole diet-exercise I'm doing.

I wanna look so gaunt, people worry I'm dying.

- I thought the goal was to have muscles.

- That, too.

I want to be transparently thin while having big biceps.

Who says you can't have it all?

- You hungry?

- Are we good?

You told your friend no rubbers.

- Obviously the serum won't work

if we can't inject it into you.

- Inject me.

Shoot me raw.

Call me old-fashioned,

but HIV isn't the only thing out there.

And resisting incurable gonorrhea is not my superpower.

- Oh god, that feels so good.

So natural.

- I remember when gay people were way too cool

to be proud nerds.

Maybe we were just overcompensating

for being tormented 24/7.

Now we're free to put on tights

and revel in superhero fandoms with reckless abandon.

Maybe I'm jealous.

Maybe I just wish I could love something

as passionately as whatever this guy's into

- While you were in the John, I got us something.

An old guy waiting for John Barrowman

wants to have a three-way.

$600 each.

- There was a time I wouldn't get into bed

for under $1000, but these days $600 is generous.

I mean, fitness models only make $350 on Rent Me.

- He probably just wants to play dress up

and slide up and down our bat poles.

- I have news.

- I am not ready to hear about a boyfriend.

Don't be a boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend?

No. God no, I wish.

No.

I lost my job.

- Shit, I'm sorry. - No, it's okay.

I'm all right.

It's was two weeks ago.

- Thank you boys.

It was worth every penny.

- I need to use the bathroom to wash off my dick.

- Down the halt to the left.

You'll be fine.

I'm undetectable.

Don't look so mortified.

I'm undetectable, he's on PrEP, you wore a condom.

I could tell.

- Your ass is that sensitive?

- I could see it in your face.

Plus, I just saw you slip a used condom in your pocket.

Can I have it?

- Sure.

It's all yours.

- No one's gonna catch anything.

Don't you stay up on this stuff? You of all people should.

- I do read all the latest literature.

It's just...

I don't park my Peter without its costume on.

I stopped taking risks when I was with someone

and I've kept it up since.

It's my policy.

- I'm not trying to be a bad influence.

Kids like Chayce don't really get it,

but you and I both lived through the 90s

when people were still dying.

I thought I was gonna die.

I moved in with my mother 25 years ago

so she could be there when I passed on.

I rarely left the house.

Just read my comics.

And I was a saint.

No sex for 24 years.

Turns out I was there when she passed last year

and I realized my mother, the house, the HIV,

none of that controlled me.

It was me.

I wasn't letting myself have sex

because I felt like I didn't deserve it.

- Well, you're doing an excellent job

in making up for lost time.

- Are you slut shaming me? - No, no, I'm impressed.

- It doesn't take superhuman powers of perception

to see that you're in the same boat.

You're denying yourself something

because you think you don't deserve it.

- Well tune in next week.

- This is all very touching and sweet,

but Harris, do you have our, you know, cash?

We saved the day and we need our loot.

- Can you do PayPal?

- Of course.

- We can?

- Oh my God.

- So, what have you been doing with your days?

- You're looking at it.

Sitting, eating.

Wondering what the hell I'm gonna do.

- I could make some calls.

- I don't need your help. - I'm just trying to be nice.

- I'm sorry. I mean I don't need help finding a job.

I got an inbox full of these.

I just, I don't think I want one.

- Nobody wants a job.

- I feel like I've been living this life.

It isn't mine yet. Waiting for my real life to kick in.

But this is it.

This is my life.

And it's passing by and I still have

so much shit to figure out.

- Yeah. I know what you mean.

- Do you?

- We've been in this limbo for way too long

and it's my fault.

- We can't keep going like this.

Living together, broken up.

I feel like I'm walking down a long hallway,

looking for a door.

- You're right.

We can't.

It's just, I had a bit of an epiphany tonight.

I realized I was doing something or not doing something,

mainly because I was thinking about how it could affect you,

even if it only affected me.

Does that make any sense?

- Yes.

That's what couples do.

- No, it, it's more than that.

You're in my head, Andrew.

A piece of you is in every single thought I have.

I can't look at the world

without seeing it through your eyes.

Breaking up with you was a mistake.

It's like I'm trying to tear off a piece of myself.

It's ridiculous.

Let's figure this out together.

- Is that spandex?

If you said this a month ago, even a week ago,

we'd go straight to make up sex.

But X, I am this close to getting over you.

I can see the door at the end of the hallway

and I need to open it.

I need to figure myself out

or else we're just gonna wind up

right back in the same situation.

And I need to do this not living with you.

- You're right.

That's it.

That's my confession.

Tell me, are there enough Hail Mary's in the world

to make up for this?