Original subtitles

Houses in the suburbs are the worst.

Most suburban guys wanna meet any place but their home.

The ones who are cocky enough to have you show up

right at their front door

are 80 to 90% guaranteed to be assholes.

- Yes?

- Sorry, I think I have the wrong house.

- Are you X?

- Okay, maybe I don't.

- I'm Sarah.

- This was the moment I decided to kill Chayse.

- Okay, follow me.

- You're gonna love this new client.

A real pussy.

You can never do too many pull ups,

and by that I mean specifically you can't.

- I think this is called bullying.

Welcome to the kill room.

Believe it or not, I'm a virgin in the biblical sense.

I've done every conceivable thing with a man

but never has my penis ever made contact

with any part of a woman.

I'm hoping that Sarah, here,

just wants to watch me bang her husband.

- Here he is.

This is Amelia, my wife.

- Hi.

- You cannot bring tricks here.

- What?

- No more in calls.

I didn't even know you did those.

- I don't.

I mean, I did once, but that was special.

How did you even know?

- I heard you last night.

- You were here?

- Oh, I was here.

What the fuck was that?

- You were supposed to be out on a date.

- I was out on a date, and it was a really good date.

And I remember you said you had to work

so I assumed you'd be in a hotel, or an alley,

or a ditch, or wherever you turn tricks.

So we progressed to here, my home,

where my ex-boyfriend is screaming the N word

and doing Lord knows what kind of

"12 Years a Slave" shit in here.

- I'm sorry.

- And yes, my date ditched me.

- Would you like something to drink?

- No, thanks.

Everyone knows you never accept drinks from a client.

- I'm gonna need one.

- So, the obvious question...

- Why would two old married women hire a man?

- Yeah, that's the one.

- We are not trying to get pregnant,

if that's what you're worried about.

- I think I will have one of those.

- They don't seem like the types to slip me a Mickey

and freeze parts of me in Tupperware.

I think I will have some of that.

He begged me to call him that.

He paid me, he was black.

- How could you agree to that?

- Well, he said it would be racist

if I didn't call him that.

- I wish there was an Obama speech on YouTube

I could play to explain why,

but no, there is no situation where it would be racist

if you didn't use the N word.

- You had to be there.

- I was there.

- So it's our anniversary,

and we thought we'd try something different.

And we've always liked gay porn, so...

- Sarah's never been with a man.

I have. College, women's college.

But they always know where to find you, don't they?

Not an ideal experience, but at least I tried it.

- Bi-curious?

- Bisexual. But I've only been with women really.

- I arranged this because I refuse

to be complicit in bi-erasure.

- Not that every bisexual needs to be

with both men and women.

We're just...

- We're horny. - Yeah.

- So are you cool with just basically being our dildo?

- It's a living.

- Did that turn you on?

- To be honest, most of my clients are men.

- I told you he'd be gay.

- That doesn't mean I can't give you what you want.

- Whoa, don't need to mansplain the spectrum

of human sexuality to us.

- Amelia, he's just trying to help.

- You do realize it looks like

you're about to murder someone in here.

- In my experience, guys tend to leave cum and lube

all over the place.

- In the one experience you've had?

- And in the gay porn that we enjoy.

- No need to worry.

The only thing that's getting murdered up in here

is my pussy.

You have been with women before, right?

- Honestly...

- Shut the fuck up.

Now I'm interested.

- I have sex with women all the time.

- For money? - Not always.

- So, do you consider yourself bisexual?

- No. I consider myself sexual.

A very sexual homosexual.

- Definitely not one of those gay guys who goes,

"Ew, women," but I'm definitely a Kinsey six.

No interest whatsoever.

- Well, you've had sex with guys you had

zero attraction to, right?

So, why not a girl?

- But, they're guy.

So there isn't zero attraction.

I can find something in any man, some attribute,

physical or emotional, that I think is hot.

I concentrate on that and then I fuck it.

- And you can't do that with a girl?

- No, it'd be like my mom walking in the room.

- But if you had a female client...

- Well, money changes everything.

I think I could manage it.

Just hasn't happened yet.

- Is it in?

- I don't know.

- How could you not know?

- Look, I know it's in something,

I just don't know what.

- You're the professional.

- Maybe it's not hard.

- Well, yeah, it is a little squishy.

- It's hard.

- Here, let me.

It's hard, all right.

- Okay, that's inside.

- All right, baby. Ride that cock.

- Yeah, no.

I'm remembering college, flunking chemistry.

Fighting with that passive aggressive roommate of mine.

What a bitch.

Honey, it's all you, babe.

Happy anniversary.

- All right.

I think it's in.

- Just a note.

You don't have to say everything you're thinking out loud.

- Oh.

- I'm sending you an address.

- It's not a woman, is it?

- No, it's not

a woman.

- Shit, this is in 30 minutes.

♪ I got it, I got it

♪ Got it like a mother

What's the deal with the whole working out

and taking off your clothes in front of me routine?

- I'm giving you a goal.

Consider me the picture on your refrigerator.

♪ I feel like it's my birthday

- Cherry Garcia, that's funny.

'Cause we both just lost our cherries.

- That hardly counts.

- It went inside.

You get a vag-badge.

- Inside? There's a lot more to it than that.

- Amelia's right.

Technically it went inside,

but I don't think I got a single thrust in.

Is that sex?

- If it's not sex, do we have to pay you?

- I don't get paid for the sex, I get paid for the time.

- I'm gonna say it counts.

'Cause I'm not sure if we're ever gonna do this again.

- Thank God.

- No hard feelings at all, actually.

- What are you doing?

Pull-ups. You can never do too many pull-ups.

I mean, it feels like you're showing off.

- Sorry.

- Okay, I can't stop thinking about this.

I have to ask you something.

- As long as it's not about the...

- It is.

It's about the guy and the word.

So just tell me, in the context of the situation,

no one can hear you guys.

Did you enjoy it?

Just being able to scream the word out loud?

- No.

God, I hope that's true.

I won't be doing it again.

- Fair enough.

Let's just put it behind us.

- Deal.

I know you don't like to hear any details,

but I had my first female client.

Two, actually.

Can you believe that?

- No, I can't.

How was it?

- Easier than I thought it would be.

- Hmm.

- You know what? I'm gonna give it to you.

I'm gonna say this counts as sex.

- What made you come around?

- Well, I asked myself, "What's the worst sex I ever had?"

This wasn't it.

I'm flattered.

- The worst sex was with a bagger from Trader Joe's.

- Oh God, don't even say her name.

- And we did less, a lot less.

And I have always considered that very sad encounter sex.

So, why not this?

- I appreciate it.

- So tell me, X, which I'm sure is your real name.

You ever gonna go pink again?

- Probably, I'm shocked it hasn't come up sooner

so why not?

- I knew you were a bisexual

the minute you walked in the door.

- For you, who wouldn't be?