Original subtitles

♪ Let's dance

It's been 10 years since my last confession.

That means it's been 10 years since I've been paid to fuck.

Lucky for you, I'm single now and I need a job,

which means more confessions for you.

Let's start with rule number one.

Every door requires a different fantasy.

So until you know what that is, be a blank canvas.

Can I help you?

- Actually, I'm here to help you.

- Um, I was just expecting someone a little more.

- Dressed like a cop?

- Yeah. - We don't do that anymore.

- What's your name?

- Since confessions are supposed to be anonymous,

call me X.

Come on in, X.

This bachelor party, sorry, bachelor's party,

is a regular fairy tale.

Lots of fairy, lots of tail.

I don't like group scenes,

especially when the other boys for hire

look like they should have paper routes instead of Johns.

Oh, who said romance is dead?

- You're cute.

I'll give you a discount.

- You're cute too, but I'd still charge you full price.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Not great, but the night is still young,

so plenty of time for it to get worse.

- The bachelor party we threw my brother

had ladies shooting whiffle balls, you know, out.

This one's more up my alley.

- Am I more up your alley?

- You? Sure.

I love daddies.

- Oh, daddy, my new favorite word.

And from a guy who's old enough to be my, okay, my brother.

- You want to go halfsies on a stripper?

I hear they're all hustlers.

- You heard right.

- Let's get this bachelor party started.

- You're late.

I had this date that could not finish,

and, well, duty calls.

You look pissy and unattractive.

Walk with me.

Rule number two, don't be late.

Time is money.

This kid makes me feel like the oldest person

in the oldest profession,

but maybe I can teach him a thing or two.

Like rule number three,

keep your work life and your home life

completely, utterly, absolutely separated.

- X, you're very early.

- Shh, sorry, I forgot.

- Can you unforget and leave?

- Can I just go to my room?

- I'm sorry, this is really awkward.

I think I should go. - Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

- No, you really shouldn't.

- Oh, I get it, can't go until you come.

I'll be back when I'm supposed to.

- Midnight!

After seven years together,

Andrew and I didn't get the itch

but we stopped scratching each other.

Gotta change that.

After 10 years we just gave up.

Well, I did.

I called it off because I knew he wasn't happy

and it's not like I was,

but I don't think happy is a word

that will ever describe me.

So I came back to the only job I know.

I thought I'd be received like a Disney movie

that's been in the vault for years

and is finally available to stream.

But I'm just another guy willing to have sex

for money in LA,

the capital of guys willing to have sex for money.

- You cannot come to someone's bachelor party

to go-go looking like someone's cool mom.

- I can do this myself.

I've been undressing since you were still in the placenta.

- I met Chayce at a very kinky cattle call

at a house in the Hills.

It was my first job in LA.

The geezer on the Martha Stewart bedspread

pays five dudes to try on and take off clothes.

He dismisses us one by one

until he is down to the last dude

who gets to stay and be licked all over

while he masturbates for a ton of cash.

It's "American Idol" with dicks.

I made it to the final round, but Chayce beat me out.

I'm not a lap dance kind of guy.

I'm a hustler.

I don't do The Hustle.

- I don't even know what that-

- It's a dance.

- I'm hearing, "I'm not a good dancer."

- I just don't like wasting my time.

We're gonna end up spending our entire night

giving lap dances to a bunch of drunks

who'll give us a dollar here and a dollar you know where.

- You have to break out of this old school hooker mode

and get with the times.

If you do some dry humping now,

you'll end up doing some wet humping later.

Not just for dollar bills.

These guys are drunk, horny, and rich.

Okay, maybe I'm not teaching Chayce anything at all.

Maybe he's teaching me.

Maybe I'm not even good at this anymore.

- Good night, sexy. - Good night.

Tell me you didn't come home early on purpose, stalker.

- No, our timing's just off.

- My timing's fine, your timing is off.

This is not gonna work if you don't respect the boundaries.

- Boundaries is just a pleasant word for saying hangups.

- You are such a selfish prick.

- Most pricks are pretty selfish.

- You act like it was a mutual decision to split up,

but it was your call.

At least give me enough space to be over you.

I haven't mellowed with age.

I've just aged with age.

- Two songs. - It's 40 bucks.

You told me to tell you when it was two songs.

- Yes, yes, daddy, two.

- That should cost you an extra 20 bucks

but I'll let it slide this time.

It didn't feel sanitary eating cake while gay married guys

were getting lap dances all around me,

but I was fucking starving.

Chayce made me skip lunch so I'd have abs.

He showed me how to spray tan fake ones on,

so why did I need real ones?

- Checking out my ass?

- No, it's literally everywhere I look.

- Yeah, I hear what you're saying.

- No wonder you're making so much money.

You could literally lap dance a guy standing up

with that thing.

- I'm still hearing what you're saying.

- Seriously, you must be the Ass Guy of LA.

- I'll admit I'm famous for my ass.

I got a place to sleep, food,

and not the worst car in the world because of my ass,

and because I have all those things,

I even got a hot girlfriend so it even brought me that.

- Wow, so your gay ass brought you a straight girlfriend?

Does she like it as much as guys do?

- I'll tell you a story.

No, she doesn't.

- That is a great story.

- I asked her one time, you know, "Do you like my ass?"

And she got all quiet and she's like, she's like,

"I don't know."

And I go, "What's wrong with it?"

She doesn't know that guy's paid me to do stuff with it,

but she's all like, "I don't know if I like being

"with a guy that has a better ass than me."

- That's, that's touching. - X!

Hey, you're needed in the bedroom.

Say goodbye, papi.

- Goodbye, papi.

- Sorry I called you a selfish prick.

- I'm sorry for being such a perfect example of one.

- I'm serious, X, I can't handle this,

this living situation if you're gonna ignore the schedule.

I need space.

- Our house payment is lower

than any rental situation these days

so living together makes sense financially.

Look, I'm sorry, I told you I forgot the time.

- You never forget the time.

You're the most obsessive-compulsively punctual

person I know.

"Time is money," remember?

- It won't happen again.

My night was especially hard.

- It's like I'm living with a human pun.

You don't even do it on purpose anymore.

- No, seriously, my night was really annoying.

I just want to eat my cereal in, in peace.

- Okay, but just so you know, your cereal wasn't free.

Just because you wouldn't be caught dead

in that Gelson's doesn't mean

you don't have to chip in around here.

- How much do I owe you?

- I don't even want to know.

- You don't wanna know, but you already do.

- Oh my god, yes, yes.

- Wait, mister, hard as it is to believe,

it's been an hour already.

- So?

- We can keep going if you like, but there's two of us.

So it's costing double on top of the appearance fees.

- Ooh.

Yeah, uh, maybe I should go see my guests.

- Isn't that guy you're marrying still out there?

He can take care of him.

I saw him out on the den.

He looked pretty busy.

- Oh, um, you know what, X,

why don't you go out there and,

and entertain the party for like another half hour, tops?

- Really?

I mean it's, I-I'm not saying like,

he's cuter or anything.

I mean, it's just that like you've been giving me

this very sex negative vibe and,

and I feel very judged and I want to like have this freedom.

So.

- You know what, it's, it's totally fine.

I'll let Chayce close.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's also, things are a little tight right now,

with the wedding and the honeymoon in Bali,

and the currency exchange is like a lot.

- It's, it's no problem. - Thanks.

I'll pay you guys later.

And now, mijo, come on.

- Oh, okay.

The only thing these daddies

and boys have in common are square pegs, round holes,

and the determination to make them fit.

It's like with me and Chayce,

just the fact that he was born with the name,

Chayce with a Y,

nobody named their kid that

before two thousand fucking five!

Sebastian was right, I am judging.

- Hey, stranger.

- I'm not doing any more dances.

- Oh, I wasn't. That's not.

- It's okay. I'm sorry.

- I don't know why,

I just wanted you to know I'm not normally the kind of guy

who gets lap dances.

I, I'm married and while all of this is very fun,

it's just not my thing.

But if it were my thing,

I would spend a lot more twenties on you.

- So I'm your thing, huh?

- Well, I've never really been into twinks.

- Just daddies like me?

- I didn't mean that.

You're not a daddy, you're just, you're just an adult.

- Ah, so you're not into the kids?

- No, they're gorgeous.

It's not an either or thing.

It's just if I was gonna pick an ideal for myself,

he would have some chest hair.

- So how long have you been married?

- Oh, we've been quote unquote married for about 13 years.

And then we were in that first batch of Prop 8 couples

that got real married right away.

- If you guys were together for so long

why'd you feel the need to get real married?

- It meant a lot to us.

We, we wouldn't have done it if it didn't.

Are you married?

I'm mean to a guy or, or a girl?

I know some sex workers are really straight.

- No, I'm gay and I'm not married.

Although I was with someone for longer than

some couples are married.

But it didn't work out.

- What happened?

- I think our timing was just off.

Look,

why don't you take my number?

'Cause even though you said you're not into all this

we had a good time, right?

And I think we could have an even better time

if it was just one-on-one.

And lucky for you, I'm not getting any younger.

I won't tell your husband.

- I actually, I already got your information

from that other dancer.

Chayce, I think is his name.

This is the exact moment I realized I had a pimp.

Chayce was helping me just so he could make money off me.

This kid was running my life.