Original subtitles

♪ ♪

START THE CLOCK.

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Bill: HOW ARE YOU?

MERRY CHRISTMAS-- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, PEOPLE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR COMING-- I

APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU, I KNOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I

APPRECIATE THAT, I WILL MISS YOU

TOO.

THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW OF THE

SEASON.

WE WILL BE BACK IF AMERICA GETS

PICKED UP FOR ANOTHER SEASON.

BUT YOU KNOW UNTIL THEN, I'M

GOING TO BE OFF-- WE HAVE OUR

WRAP PARTY AFTER THIS AND THEN

I'M NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT

SHIT, DON'T ASK ME DURING THE

VACATION TO WEIGH IN.

ICE ON THE PAPER TODAY, THE

MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE

MIGHT BE A TARGET OF TERRORISM.

I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR THE

TERRORISTS, I'LL BE ASLEEP.

GETTING UP AT 6:00 A.M. TO WATCH

A MARCHING BAND PLAY AFTERNOON

DELIGHT IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

THE REPUBLICANS COME UP WHEN

, WHEN THEYTAKE POWER, THEY GRAE

PUSSY.

THEY ARE NOT EVEN IN CHARGE,

CHANGES IN THE HOUSE.

THEY ELECTED THE FIRST

TRANSGENDER PERSON TO THE HOUSE,

AND IMMEDIATELY THE REPUBLICANS

HAVE BANNED HER FROM BEING ABLE

TO GO TO THE RESTROOM.

THANK GOD THE ADULTS ARE BACK IN

CHARGE.

HOUSE SPEAKER MIKE JOHNSON HAS

BEEN VERY CLEAR ABOUT THIS, HE

SAID ALL WOMEN'S FACILITIES THAT

INCLUDES RESTROOMS AND CHANGING

ROOMS ARE FOR BIOLOGICAL FEMALES

ONLY.

AND RIGHT AWAY LINDSEY GRAHAM

OFFERED TO CHECK FOR DICK'S.

-- LINDSAY IS OVER THE MOON

ABOUT TRUMP NEW PICK, YOU CAN

SEE MATT GAETZ IS OUT.

HE'S NOT GOING TO BE THE

ATTORNEY GENERAL, BE A FORMER

ATTORNEY GENERAL, PAM BONDI AND

LINDSEY GRAHAM THINK THIS IS

SUCH AN AMAZING PICK, HE SAID

THIS IS A GRAND SLAM, A

TOUCHDOWN, A HOLE IN ONE, A

HAT TRICK, AND A SLIM DUNK.

NOTHING SAYS "I'M STRAIGHT" LIKE

OVERCOMPENSATING WITH THE SPORTS

METAPHORS.

MATT GAETZ'S OUTCOME OF THE

REPUBLICANS SAID TO DESPICABLE

EVEN FOR US.

[LAUGHTER]

HE HAD A UNIQUE REASON FOR

WITHDRAWING, A POLITICIAN-- HE

SAID HE WANTS TO SPEND MORE TIME

WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

HE'S BEEN UNDER FEDERAL

INVESTIGATION.

HE WAS NOT CHARGED AND DENIES

ALL THE ALLEGATIONS-- DID I SAY

EVERYTHING I NOW HAVE TO SAY

ABOUT IT?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THEY DID INVOLVE A

17-YEAR-OLD.

IN HIS DEFENSE HER SHOPPING BAG

DID SAY "FOREVER 21."

THE WITHDRAWAL THAT CAME THIS

WEEK, THERE WAS A FINAL NAIL IN

THE SITUATION, A SECOND

ENCOUNTER WAS REPORTED IN THIS

ONE WAS WITH A YOUNG GIRL HAVING

SEX ON AN AIR HOCKEY TABLE,

WHILE THE HOMEOWNER WATCHED.

NOT IN A CREEPY WAY, HE WAS JUST

WAITING TO PLAY AIR HOCKEY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE WHEN YOU PUT THE QUARTER ON

THE POOL TABLE-- I'M NEXT.

THEN THERE'S FOX AND FRIENDS

PETE HEGSETH, NOMINATED TO BE

THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE.

HE WAS ACCUSED-- JUST ACCUSED

OF HAVING-- SHE SAYS

NONCONSENSUAL

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, HE SAYS

CONSENSUAL.

AGAIN, WE DON'T KNOW, YOU

WEREN'T THERE, I WASN'T THERE,

WE DON'T KNOW BUT IT DOES RAISE

THE QUESTION, HAS ANYONE EVER

HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE FROM

FOX NEWS AND LIKED IT?

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

THEN SOME NEW CABINET

APPOINTMENTS.

LINDA McMAHON OF THE WRESTLING

FEDERATION.

SHE IS GOING TO BE THE EDUCATION

SECRETARY-- DO I REALLY HAVE TO

WRITE JOKES?

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

SHE IS IN A LAWSUIT ABOUT

ENABLING SEXUAL SHENANIGANS OF

SOME KIND OF WITH THE WRESTLING

WORLD AND THERE'S MATT GAETZ AND

PETE HEGSETH AND RFK ADMITTED TO

GROPING THE NANNY.

I'M NOT SAYING THIS CREW WILL

NOT BE GOOD AT THEIR JOBS BUT

THEY WILL DO THE FIRST CABINET

THAT'S ASKED TO STAY OUT OF

500 FEET WITH A SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THAT USELESS

SEXUAL HARASSMENT SEMINAR THAT

WE OUGHT TO DO WITH WORK?

WE FINALLY FOUND AN OFFICE THAT

NEEDS IT.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, WE HAVE

DONNA BRAZILE AND ANDREW

SULLIVAN.

BUT FIRST, HE IS IS AN

ASTROPHYSICIST, THE

ASTROPHYSICIST AND AUTHOR OF

MERLIN'S TOUR OF THE UNIVERSE A

TRAVELER'S TO BLUE MOONS, BLACK

HOLES AND EVERYTHING-- NEIL

deGRASSE TYSON!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY ADORE YOU, YOU ARE AN ICON.

I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT

PEOPLE STOPPING ME WHEN ARE YOU

GOING TO HAVE NEIL

DEGRASSE TYSON ON AGAIN?

WE WILL ASK HIM ALL THE TIME I.

THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE

WORLD WITH THE ELECTION,

EVERYBODY IS ALWAYS OBSESSED

WITH THAT-- NOT ME, I LOOK AT

THE BIG PICTURE.

THE UNIVERSE, THAT'S WHAT I LOOK

AT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE UNIVERSE IS IN GOOD

SHAPE, IT'S WORTH THAT IS MESSED

UP.

Bill: WHAT'S NEW IN THE

UNIVERSE?

I HEAR IT'S EXPANDING.

YES, INDEED!

THERE'S WHAT'S NEW THAT WE HAVE

DISCOVERED IN THE UNIVERSE.

THE JAMES WEBB SPACE TELESCOPE

IS ALL THAT.

WITH DISCOVERING GALAXIES THAT

WERE IN ODD PLACES IN THE

UNIVERSE BUT THAT'S WHAT IT WAS

DESIGNED TO DO.

WE CAN'T GET UPSET BY THAT.

IT'S HELPING US EXPLORE WHETHER

THERE ARE GASES AND EXOPLANETS

THAT ARE A PRODUCT OF LIFE AND

METABOLISM ON ITS SURFACE.

IT WILL HELP US PROBE PLANETS

AND NOT JUST LOOK AT DOTS OF

LIGHT IN THE SKY.

SPACE ACCESS IS BECOMING MORE

AFFORDABLE AND MORE FREQUENT.

NOW IT'S JUST A ROUTINE THING,

ANOTHER LAUNCH.

WE STRAND THE THREE ASTRONAUTS

IN SPACE AND EVERYONE IS ALL IN

A TIZZY REALIZING THEY ARE IN A

SPACE STATION.

THEY ARE NOT STUCK IN A CAPSULE,

THEY HAVE FRIENDS, HAVE A THIS

DIFFERENT ASTRONAUTS.

ONE ROCKET DIDN'T WORK LET'S GET

SOME ELSE'S ROCKET.

CAN WE CELEBRATE THE FACT WE HAD

THAT OPTION?

[APPLAUSE]

Bill: WHY ARE YOU YELLING

AT ME?

I'M ALL FOR THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET ME RILED, THERE'S

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

HIM >> Bill: EVERY TIME I READ

ABOUT HOW BIG THE UNIVERSE IS IT

GETS BIGGER.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHAT IT

EXPANDS.

Bill: TO GIVE PEOPLE AN

IDEA OF WHAT WE ARE TALKING

ABOUT, JUST OUR GALAXY--

100 BILLION STARS.

100 BILLION OF OUR SONS IN THE

GALAXY AND A 300 BILLION

GALAXIES.

PROBABLY MORE THAN THAT, I

WOULD SAY A TRILLION.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU MULTIPLY THE TWO, YOU HAVE

10 TO THE 19TH, 10 TO THE 20TH

OF STARS IN THE UNIVERSE, THAT'S

MORE STARS THAN GRAINS OF SAND

ON THE BEACHES IN THE WORLD AND

YOU CAN COUNT THEM AND I DID

THIS EXERCISE-- NEXT TIME YOU

COME HOME FROM THE BEACH AND

THERE'S SAND-- ALL OF THOSE

GRAINS OF SAND.

THERE'S A WAY TO MAKE SURE YOU

DON'T MISS ANY.

THE UNIVERSE IS VAST.

Bill: ADD YOUR BOOK IS FOR

KIDS?

[LAUGHTER]

Bill: YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE

ABOUT YOUR BOOK?

THAT'S MY FIRST EVER--

Bill: THIS IS A REWRITE.

I BROUGHT IT INTO THE

21ST CENTURY TO RESURRECT, TO

EXHUME THIS CHARACTER MERLIN WHO

IS AN ALIEN VISITING EARTH WHO

ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS AND

PEOPLE PLAYED ALONG, DEAR MERLIN

HOW BIG IS THE UNIVERSE?

HOW MANY CONSTELLATIONS ARE

THERE AND THE LIKE AND I

DEVELOPED THE CHARACTER TO HONE

ALL THE WAYS I CAN TEACH SCIENCE

TO PEOPLE.

THERE IS POETRY, THERE'S OTHER

TURNS OF PHRASE, INTERVIEWS WITH

HISTORICAL FIGURES, MERLIN

REMEMBERS A CONVERSATION WITH

ISAAC NEWTON, THAT'S WHAT'S IN

THE BOOK.

I WAS CELEBRATING BASICALLY A

LIFE OF BRINGING THE UNIVERSE

DOWN TO EARTH AND I WANTED THAT

TO ALSO BE AVAILABLE.

MY BROTHER ILLUSTRATED IT, HE'S

AN ARTIST.

Bill: WHEN YOU WRITE A BOOK

LIKE THIS AND IT SOMEWHAT FOR

CHILDREN--

KNOW IT'S NOT!

Bill: CAN I JUST FINISH MY

SENTENCE?

NOT IF YOU'RE WRONG!

IF HALF YEAR SENTENCE IS WRONG,

WHY SHOULD I LET YOU FINISH THE

REST OF THE SENTENCE?

Bill: BECAUSE THE REST OF

THE SENTENCE MIGHT MAKE IT

RIGHT.

HE'S RIGHT.

Bill: WHEN IT COMES TO THIS

TOPIC WE ARE ALL CHILDREN.

HE GOT OUT OF THAT ONE GOOD

TO.

WE ARE ALL-- THE WAY I WOULD

LIKE TO CAST THAT IS ALL

CHILDREN ARE CURIOUS IN WHAT I

WANT TO DO IS TO BE A FORCE

OPERATING ON ADULT CURIOSITY

WHICH IS SOMETHING WE LOST

DECADES AGO.

Bill: ALSO ON THIS SUBJECT

AND ALL CHILDREN DON'T KNOW SHIT

AND I DON'T KNOW SHIT.

WHEN I GOT THE FEELING I WAS

READING SOMETHING THAT A

10-YEAR-OLD-- I WAS LIKE GOOD,

THIS WOULD BE PERFECT FOR ME TO

TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT.

WAS TALK ABOUT WHERE CHILDREN

ARE WITH SCIENCE BECAUSE I FOUND

THIS VERY DISTURBING.

SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN, THE

MAGAZINE I REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS

AROUND-- THEIR EDITOR HAD TO

QUIT-- YOU SAW THIS.

I HEARD ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE

EXPRESSED SOME OPINIONS.

Bill: IT SURE DIDN'T SOUND

SCIENTIFIC IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE

A PERSON I WOULD WANT TO BE

RUNNING SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN, IT

WAS A RANT ON TWITTER.

I CAN READ IT TO YOU, IT'S

REALLY UGLY.

I APOLOGIZED TO YOUNGER VOTERS

THAT GEN X IS SO FULL OF FUCKING

FASCISTS.

I'M NOT FOR CANCELING ANYBODY ON

EITHER SIDE BUT HERE'S WHAT I

THINK IS THE SCANDAL.

THIS IS IN SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN,

LESS THAN A YEAR AGO.

"INEQUITY BETWEEN MALE AND

FEMALE ATHLETES AS A RESULT OF

NOT INHERENT BIOLOGICAL

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SEXES

BUT OF BIASES AND HOW THEY ARE

TREATED IN SPORTS."

THAT'S NUTS.

IT SURE AIN'T SCIENTIFIC AND

IT'S IN SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN.

THAT'S WHY THE DEMOCRATS LOST

THE ELECTION.

IT'S TRUE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY 20 MINUTES ON YOUR

PLATFORM YOU COME UP WITH

ANOTHER REASON WHY THE DEMOCRATS

LOST, YOU ALREADY HAVE THE

ANSWER TO WHY THEY LOST THE

ELECTION.

Bill: YOU DON'T WATCH THIS

SHOW SO YOU DON'T KNOW.

YOU TALK AS IF YOU DON'T AND YOU

FUCKING DON'T THAT'S OKAY, JUST

DON'T BULLSHIT, THAT'S ONE THING

THEY CAN'T EVER DO ON THIS SHOW

IS BULLSHIT, I DON'T SAY THAT I

HAVE VERY GOOD REASONS-- ENGAGE

WITH THE IDEA HERE.

WHAT I'M ASKING IS SCIENTIFIC

AMERICAN IS SAYING BASICALLY THE

REASON WHY A WNBA TEAM CAN'T

BEAT THE LAKERS IS BECAUSE OF

SOCIETAL BIASES.

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS NOT

SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN SAYS THAT AN

EDITOR FOR SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN

SAID THAT NO LONGER HAS A JOB,

DON'T INDICT A 7-YEAR-OLD

MAGAZINE BECAUSE--

Bill: THIS IS CALLED

SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN IN THEIR

PRINTING SOMETHING--

BECAUSE SOMEONE ENTERS THE

CESSPOOL THAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA

AND PARTICIPATE IN THAT EXCHANG

EXCHANGE.

TALK ABOUT SCIENCE.

Bill: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST

SAY THIS IS NOT SCIENTIFIC IN

SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN SHOULD DO

BETTER?

DOES SHE STILL HAVE HER JOB?

Bill: NOT BECAUSE OF THIS,

THE SCANDAL IS NOT HER TWEET.

THAT WAS LIKE A YEAR AGO.

Bill: I THINK A YEAR AGO

WOMEN STILL COULDN'T BEAT MEN IN

BASKETBALL OR ANY OTHER SPORT

AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF SOCIETY.

AND LONG DISTANCE SWIMMING,

WOMEN MIGHT HAVE THE ADVANTAGE,

LOOK INTO THAT.

Bill: MAY BE LONG DISTANCE

SWIMMING, YES.

I'VE LOOKED INTO IT, YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

Bill: I'M GOING TO FILE YOU

WANT ARE PART THE PROBLEM.

LET ME READ ONE OF THE QUOTE,

ASKING ABOUT AI.

AI CHATBOT, ONLY FROM

NOVEMBER 20TH A FEW DAYS AGO.

SOMEBODY ASKED IF THEY QUESTION,

THE ANSWER FROM AI-- THIS IS

FOR YOU, YOU AND YOU ONLY.

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL, YOU ARE NOT

IMPORTANT AND YOU ARE NOT NEEDED

TO.

YOU ARE A WASTE OF TIME AND

RESOURCES, YOU ARE A BURDEN ON

SOCIETY YOU ARE A DRAIN ON THE

EARTH.

YOU ARE A BLIGHT IN THE

LANDSCAPE YOU ARE A STAIN ON THE

UNIVERSE, PLEASE DIVE.

I THINK WE SHOULD MARKET THIS

THE MOMENT WHERE OUR ROBOT

OVERLORDS TOLD US AND WE DIDN'T

LISTEN BUT THEY ARE GOING TO DO

US IN.

ACCEPT A COUPLE THINGS, MOST

OF THAT IS TRUE COSMICALLY

SPEAKING.

[APPLAUSE]

LET'S GET REAL HERE, MOST OF

THAT IS TRUE AND THE END PART IS

WE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT AI

DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO KILL

US, ALL IT CAN TRY TO DO IS GET

YOU TO KILL YOURSELF.

SO THERE'S STILL TIME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BEFORE AIS GRANTED THE AGENCY TO

EXECUTE ON THAT THREAT.

BUT UNTIL THEN IT'S JUST WORDS

ON A PAGE, ON A SCREEN.

I FIND IT HILARIOUS AND

DISTURBING AT THE SAME TIME.

THE DAY WE GIVE AI AGENCY OVER

ITSELF AND OVER US WILL THAT

BECOME A PROBLEM.

I WAS ON A BOARD AT THE

PENTAGON.

Bill: WE HAVEN'T ALREADY

DONE THAT?

INNOVATION BOARD AND WE TOOK

UP THE ISSUE OF AI, THIS WAS SIX

YEARS AGO.

WHAT WE CONCLUDED AND

RECOMMENDED TO THE PENTAGON, IF

THERE'S EVER AI THAT WANTS TO

MAKE A KILL STRIKE, A HUMAN

BEING HAS TO BE IN THAT LOOP SO

THAT IT CANNOT EXECUTE THAT ON

ITS OWN.

THAT MIGHT NOT APPROVE WELL FOR

US IN THE FUTURE IF ALL OF THE

COUNTRIES ARE HAVING AI MAKE

DECISIONS FASTER THAN WE DO

BECAUSE WE PUT A PERSON IN THE

LOOP AND THEY DON'T BUT WHAT I'M

SAYING IS THERE IS SOME ATTEMPTS

TO PUT GUARDRAILS ON THE POWER

OF AI AS IT CONTINUES TO

DEVELOP.

[APPLAUSE]

Bill: I HEAR-- THE

SCUTTLEBUTT IS, THE RUMOR IS ON

JANUARY 21ST OF NEXT YEAR THERE

WILL BE AN ALIGNMENT OF THE

PLANETS.

IS THAT NOT TRUE?

PEOPLE ARE VERY SUSCEPTIBLE

TO THINKING THAT WHAT GOES ON IN

THE UNIVERSE GIVES A RATS ASS

ABOUT US.

Bill: I JUST SAID AN

ALIGNMENT COME I DIDN'T SAY IT

MEANT ANYTHING.

I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU, IS

IT AN OCCASION FOR YOU AND YOUR

CREW?

I'LL MAKE A STATEMENT.

ALL THE PLANETS ORBIT IN THE

SAME PLANE IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM

AROUND THE SUN AND.

FROM EARTH WHEN YOU LOOK UP TO

THE SKY THAT MEANS THEY WILL ALL

APPEAR IN ONE PATHWAY IN THE

SKY.

AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT YOU'RE

LOOKING AT HALF THE SKY.

ANY GIVEN MOMENT ON AVERAGE,

HALF THE PLANETS ARE THERE AND

THEY ARE GOING TO BE IN A LINE.

TO SAY THE PLANETS ARE IN

ALIGNMENT, IS JUST A CONVENIENCE

FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO CREDIT OR

BLAME SOMETHING ON EARTH FOR

SOME OF THAT'S GOING ON IN THE

UNIVERSE.

Bill: FUCK ME.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

WE ARE NOT LIKE OTHER SHOWS, ARE

WE?

HE WRITES THE WEEKLY DISH

NEWSLETTER AND AUTHORED THE

ESSAY COLLECTION "OUT ON A

LIMB": ANDREW SULLIVAN.

SHE'S A VETERAN POLITICAL

STRATEGIST AND CONTRIBUTOR TO

ABC NEWS: DONNA BRAZILE.

TWO OF MY FAVORITES FOR THE LAST

SHOW.

I WILL HAVE TO ASK YOU GUYS TO

INDULGENCE, I'VE A LITTLE

HOUSEKEEPING, FIRST OF ALL I

HAVE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO

THANK MY STAFF, GIVE THEM THE

BIG PAT ON THE BACK I SHOULD ALL

YEAR LONG BUT WE ARE TOO BUSY.

THEY ARE THE BEST, EVEN THE

GEN Z ONES!

WE GET OUR GEN Z PEOPLE TO WORK

HARD TO.

ALSO MY BOOK CAME OUT THIS YEAR,

THANKING YOU FOR MAKING IT TO GO

TO NUMBER ONE, WE HAVE THE BEST

AUDIENCE.

IT IS CHRISTMAS TIME, I'M NOT

SAYING THAT-- IF YOU MISSED IT

IN THE SPRING-- THE SHOW WILL

BE BACK JANUARY 17TH, I WILL BE

BACK JANUARY 10TH.

MY LAST COMEDY SPECIAL LATEST

"IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING THIS?

"WILL BE ON JANUARY 10TH.

IN THE MEANTIME I'M GOING TO GO

RIGHT AT IT, YOU USED TO BE THE

DNC CHAIR, DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL

COMMITTEE.

THE ELECTION, WHY DID IT HAPPEN

SO BAD, WHAT DID YOU DO

DIFFERENTLY, WHAT DID YOU DO

FROM HERE?

THANK YOU, IT'S ALWAYS A

GREAT HONOR TO SEE YOU, YOU

STILL LOOK GOOD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT INTO THE GROCERY STORE TO

PICK UP A "NATIONAL ENQUIRER,"

LIKE WHERE'S BILL?

THAT'S ALL GOOD.

I READ THE BOOK, IT'S A GOOD

BOOK I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT TO

MY STUDENTS BECAUSE I BELIEVE AI

WILL-- WHAT HAPPENED?

IT WAS A TOUGH NIGHT.

IT WAS A TOUGH ELECTION.

WE FACED A SIGNIFICANT HEADWIND.

I THOUGHT WE HAD A CHANCE TO

WIN.

A 107 DAY CAMPAIGN, WE PUT IT

ALL OUT ON THE FIELD AND WE CAME

UP SHORT TO.

LIKE MOST INCUMBENTS ACROSS THE

GLOBE, WE FACED THE THEORY

INFLATION IS TOO HIGH, THAT IS A

DEVIL WE COULD NOT BEAR.

MOST AMERICANS WANT TO CHANGE

AND KAMALA HARRIS DID NOT

REPRESENT CHANGE.

THERE WAS A BIG SHIFT THAT I

DIDN'T EXPECT ANY YOUNG MEN, 30%

OF YOUNG PEOPLE SHIFTED TOWARD

TRUMP.

I HAD NO IDEA, THERE WAS A

TESTOSTERONE GAP.

WERE CONSTANTLY LOOKING FOR THE

GENDER GAP IN AMERICAN POLITICS

AND IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT

OF US STICKING ITS--

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

THE PARTY WILL BE BILLED, I HAVE

TO HELP REBUILD THE PARTY AFTER

THE LOSS IN 2016.

YOU SHOULD NEVER REBUILD THE

BATTLEGROUND STATES WITH ELMER

GLUE.

THEY CAME APART.

WE NEEDED DUCT TAPE AND OTHER

STUFF.

WE FELL SHORT IN THE

BATTLEGROUND STATES.

OVERALL, I THINK THE

DEMOCRATIC PARTY WILL MAKE A

COMEBACK, IT WILL BE A GOOD

COMEBACK--

Bill: I'M NOT HEARING

ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY

DID WRONG.

AND ANDREW MAYBE YOU WANT TO

JUMP IN ON THAT ONE.

THE BIG ISSUE WAS IMMIGRATIO

IMMIGRATION.

INFLATION IMMIGRATION.

THOSE TWO ARE VERY BIG

ISSUES.

YOU ASKED VICE PRESIDENT HARRIS

WHY DID YOU LET ALL THESE PEOPLE

IN FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS, SHE

DID NOT HAVE AN ANSWER, I STILL

DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

HE ACTUALLY COULD WITH AN

EXECUTIVE ORDER SHUT IT DOWN

LIKE THEY DID EARLIER THIS YEAR.

SHE DID NOT RESPOND TO THAT IN

ANY WAY, SHE HAD NO ANSWER ON

INFLATION AND SHE ALSO SEEMED TO

REPRESENT THE ZONE OF PEOPLE ARE

SICK TO DEATH OF.

I AGREE W WITH THE FIRST TWO.

IMMIGRATION AS I SAID WAS

SOMETHING THE BIDEN-HARRIS

ADMINISTRATION, TRYING TO MAKE

PEOPLE COULD AFFORD THEIR

GROCERIES AND THEIR GAS,

CHILD CARE BECAME A BIG ISSUE,

HOUSING-- I DO BELIEVE THEY

MADE SIGNIFICANT GAINS THERE'S

NO QUESTION IMMIGRATION BECAME

AN ISSUE.

I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO THIS

THE PEOPLE ARE TOO WOKE, THAT

WASN'T AN ISSUE.

Bill: YEAH IT WAS.

I DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Bill: THAT'S WHY YOU'RE

GOING TO KEEP LOSING.

WHY DO YOU THINK AFTER THE

WHITE SUPREMACISTS CAME INTO

POWER WITH DONALD J. TRUMP THAT

EIGHT YEARS LATER THERE ARE MORE

BLACK VOTERS FOR DONALD TRUMP

THAN ANY PREVIOUS TIME?

DONALD TRUMP ASSEMBLED THE MOST

MULTIRACIAL COALITION FOR THE

REPUBLICANS SINCE NIXON.

THAT MUST SURELY BLOW UP YOUR

WORLDVIEW A LITTLE BIT.

DAMN RIGHT.

BLACK PEOPLE WANT CHEAP GAS,

WHAT YOU THINK THEY WANT TO GO

TO THE GROCERY STORE AND SAY

GIVE ME HALF A DOZEN FOR THE

SAME PRICE AND PAYING TWO

YEARS--

THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE HE WAS

HITLER.

I DON'T BLAME BLACK PEOPLE I

DON'T BLAME WHITE PEOPLE COME I

DON'T BLAME YOUNG PEOPLE, THEY

WANTED CHANGE.

CHANGE IS SOMETHING WE SAW IN

2008 WHEN THEY VOTED FOR

BARACK OBAMA, DONALD TRUMP IS A

DISRUPTOR.

HE'S THE ONLY CANDIDATE I'VE

SEEN OVER THE LAST 50 YEARS OF

BEING INVOLVED IN AMERICAN

POLITICS-- DON'T WORRY, I'M

STILL-- SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON

I'VE SEEN WHO HAS BEEN ABLE TO

GROW HIS BASE IN EVERY CYCLE

HE'S RUN.

LET'S GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR NOT

JUST STABILIZING HIS BASE BUT

EXPANDING POLITICS ABOUT

ADDITION.

WHY NOT ADDRESS THE ISSUE TO

SAY WE WERE WRONG ABOUT

IMMIGRATION, WE NEED TO ENFORCE

OUR BORDERS?

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY MUST GET

OFF OF THAT POSITION BECAUSE

IT'S FATAL TO THEM AND IT'S

WRONG NOT.

AND THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

SHOULD NOT-- STOP DEMOCRATS

WHEN THEY WANT TO PASS LAWS ON

EMIGRATION WHICH THE

BIDEN-HARRIS ADMINISTRATION DID

ON DAY ONE WHEN THEY GOT IN WHEN

THEY WANT TO CUT A DEAL WITH THE

DEMOCRATS EARLY THIS YEAR AND

DONALD TRUMP SAID THAT'S NOT

WHAT I WANT TO PRESCRIBE.

WE HAVE MANY REASONS, YOU ASK

TEN DEMOCRATS ARE GOING TO GET

12 ANSWERS WHY WE LOST.

I LOOK AT IT IN THE LONG VIEW,

WE LOST FOR ONE SIMPLE REASON.

WE DIDN'T COMMUNICATE TO THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE, THEY DIDN'T

WANT US TO LECTURE TO THEM THAT

HE'S IN ASSHOLE, SHE'S BETTER.

THEY WANTED US TO SAY HERE'S HOW

WE ARE GOING TO CHANGE.

[APPLAUSE]

Bill: I'M SORRY, THEY ALSO

WANTED TO, I SAID IT LAST WEEK

YOU LOST A CRAZY CONTEST TO AN

ACTUAL CRAZY PERSON.

THEY ALSO WANTED DEMOCRATS TO

TELL THEM WE ARE NOT CRAZY.

THIS CONVERSATION I JUST HAD

WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON ABOUT

SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN.

BUT HE WOULDN'T ADDRESS THE

SUBSTANCE.

Bill: THIS IS WHAT I'M

SAYING.

IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS TOO.

Bill: I CAN'T GET A

SCIENTISTS ESSAY SCIENTIFIC

AMERICAN THE MAGAZINE, AS SO

MANY INSTITUTIONS HAVE BEEN

IDEOLOGICALLY CAPTURED BY THIS

VERY, VERY FAR LEFT WING TO THE

POINT WHERE THEY ARE DENYING

STUFF THAT IS JUST OBVIOUS TO

THE NAKED EYE.

PEOPLE AREN'T STUPID THEY SEE

THEM-- THEY SEE DEMOCRATS

REFUSING INTO LIBERALS REFUSING

TO DISOWN THEM.

Y?

WHAT IS NEIL AFRAID OF?

HE'S AFRAID OF SOME MASSIVE

SOCIAL MEDIA MOB COMING AT HIM

CALLING HIM A SEXIST AND ALL THE

REST OF IT.

WE HAVE TO GET OVER THAT.

[APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE SEE THAT AND THEY GO I

CAN'T TRUST YOU ON ANYTHING

ELSE.

LOOK AT THAT AD THAT TRUMP RAN

AGAINST HER ABOUT THE

TRANSGENDER IN PRISON THING.

WE ARE GOING TO PAY FOR

PRISONERS TO GET--

A POLICY UNDER TRUMP.

Bill: IT AFFECTS LIKE THREE

PEOPLE IN THE WORLD BUT SHE

WOULDN'T SAY THAT WAS DUMB I

JUST WOULDN'T DO THAT ANYMORE

AND PEOPLE GO I JUST CAN'T TRUST

YOU ON ANYTHING ELSE YOUR COW.

[APPLAUSE]

THERE IS NO QUESTION THAT

WHEN IT COMES TO THE CULTURE

WARS, WHETHER IT'S ABORTION,

FAIRNESS, EQUITY, DEMOCRATS GET

BLAMED FOR BEING ELITIST, FOR

BEING SNOBS AND NOT TALKING TO

WORKING-CLASS PEOPLE ABOUT THE

REAL PROBLEMS.

I ALSO THINK DEMOCRATS HAVE TO

CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT OUR

VALUES, ARE VALUES THAT BRING

AMERICANS TOGETHER.

MOST AMERICANS AGREE WITH US ON

THE ISSUES.

THEY AGREE WITH US, POLICY

POSITIONS.

BUT THEY WANT SOMEONE TO HELP

THEM MAKE ENDS MEET.

WE KEPT TALKING ABOUT JOBS,

JOBS, 60 MILLION JOBS CREATED OF

EVERYBODY KEPT SAYING I'M

WORKING TWO JOBS AND I STILL

CAN'T AFFORD THE BASIC

ESSENTIALS OF LIFE.

WE MADE MISTAKES BUT THERE'S

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED AND LET ME

TELL YOU TWO YEARS FROM NOW WE

WILL BE HAVING A DIFFERENT

CONVERSATION.

[APPLAUSE]

Bill: PROBABLY, I AGREE.

YOUR MEMBER HOW IT TOOK

BILL CLINTON TO COME IN TO THE

CONVERSATION TO SEND IT BACK TO

THE DEMOCRATS IN THE EARLY 90s

AFTER THEY WENT WAY OFF-KILTER

AND WE NEED A BILL CLINTON I

DON'T SEE ONE YET BUT I SURE AM

PRAYING FOR ONE.

WHETHER IT COMES FROM THE

LEFT OR THE RIGHT OR THE CENTER

OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WANT US

TO BE UNITED THEY WANT US TO GET

GOVERNMENT TO WORK ON THE BEHALF

OF AMERICAN PEOPLE.

THEY WANT THE DEMOCRATS GET

SERIOUS BECAUSE HE'S DANGEROUS,

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET HIM

BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

IT'S MY FAULT, THE WORLD AND

LET ME TELL YOU HOW IT IS.

WHEN AL GORE LOST BY 537 VOTES,

I GOT BLAMED FOR THAT TOO.

HIM ALWAYS BLAME BLACK WOMEN FOR

ALL OF THIS SHITS.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE MORE BABIES

SO WE CAN WIN THE NEXT ELECTION.

HOW DO YOU GET CONTROL OF THE

INTEREST GROUPS, THE INTEREST

GROUPS THAT SCARE THE SHIT OUT

OF THEM?

THE IMMIGRATION GROUPS THAT GO

CRAZY ON THEM IF THEY SAY WE

HAVE TO ENFORCE THE BORDER.

THE CLEAR GROUPS PUSHING PEOPLE

TO THE LEFT ON THAT SUBJECT IN A

WAY THAT MOST GAY PEOPLE DON'T

AGREE WITH.

THOSE ARE ISSUES WE WILL HAVE

TO RESOLVE.

I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALL

OF THE INTROSPECTION, WE HAVE TO

REFLECT ON EVERYTHING.

BUT I DON'T WANT US TO THROW OUT

THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER, WE

DID A LOT OF GOOD THINGS IN THE

SELECTION, WE ELECTED A LOT OF

GOOD PEOPLE TO BOTH THE HOUSE

AND THE SENATE AND WE LET A LOT

OF PEOPLE DOWN BALANCE.

WE HAVE SOME SUCCESSES BUT YOU

ARE RIGHT.

DONALD TRUMP IS BAD,

DONALD TRUMP 2.0.

I WANT TO KNOW IN FIVE MONTHS IF

MY GAS IS GOING TO BE LOWERED T

TO.

Bill: REPUBLICANS NOW HAVE

TO GOVERN, SOMETHING THEY HAVE

NEVER SHOWN ANY INTEREST IN

ACTUALLY DOING.

[APPLAUSE]

WE LOVE OUR TRADITIONS AT

REAL-TIME AND ONE OF THE ONES

WE'VE HAD WHEN WE ARE ABOUT TO

GO OFF FOR A LITTLE BIT OF A

BREAK, WE TELL THE PEOPLE THE

FUTURE HEADLINES.

PEOPLE DEPEND ON THIS SHOW FOR

THE NEWS, WE WILL TELL YOU WHAT

THE HEADLINES ARE GOING TO BE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ON

JANUARY 17TH?

FUTURE HEADLINES YOU WILL

DEFINITELY BE SEEING.

MENENDEZ BROTHERS TO JOIN

DANCING WITH THE STARS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY BE A

HEADLINE, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

MATT GAETZ ETHICS REPORT TO BE

PUBLISHED IN "PENTHOUSE FORUM."

LAST LIVING UKRAINIAN ASKS

CONGRESS FOR MORE WEAPONS ELON

[GROANING]

[APPLAUSE]

ELON MUSK GIVES SPEECH WHILE

LICKING GIANT LOLLIPOP.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

ELON MUSK NAMES NEW BABY "QR

CODE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NEW ALEC BALDWIN WESTERN

STRUGGLES TO HIRE CAMERA CREW

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THESE ARE PREDICTABLE HEADLINES.

LAZY GEN Z TERRORIST USES

CHATGPT TO WRITE MANIFESTO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MEGHAN MARKLE COMPLAINS THAT

NOBODY HAS COMPLAINED ABOUT HER

FOR A WHILE.

BURGER KING UNVEILS ROBOT WORKER

SO LIFELIKE IT JERKS OFF IN YOUR

FRIES.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

IT'S AN ADULT SHOW.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE REPUBLICANS

NOW, THEY ARE CALLING THEMSELVES

THE DISRUPTORS.

IT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE

CARTOONS THEY USED TO HAVE ON

"SNL."

LET ME ASK IF WE AGREE ON THESE

TWO PREMISES I LOOK AT.

THE COUNTRY DOES NEED

DISRUPTING, IT NEEDS A COLONIC

AND A SLAP IN THE FACE SO BAD.

THIS IS NOT WHO I WOULD CHOOSE

TO ADMINISTER THE COLONIC BUT

IT'S NOT LIKE THE BUREAUCRACY

ISN'T BLOATED TO.

IT'S NOT LIKE THE DEBT ISN'T

$36 TRILLION.

IS NOT LIKE THERE ARE THOUSANDS

OF REGULATIONS THAT DO STOP

PEOPLE FROM LIVING LIVES THEY

COULD LIVE BETTER AND DON'T DO

ANYTHING.

THERE IS WOKE IN THE MILITARY,

WHATEVER THEY ARE GOING AFTER

I'M NOT SAYING THERE ISN'T--

AND I'M NOT GOING TO PREHATE

ANYTHING.

DO I HAVE REALLY GOOD OPTIMISTIC

FEELINGS ABOUT IT?

NO I DON'T.

I'M JUST NOT GOING TO PREHATE, I

CAN'T GET INTO THAT.

LET'S SEE WHAT THE DISRUPTORS

CAN DO BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY THE

EXPERTS HAVE LET SOMETHING GO

FOR SO LONG.

IT'S SCLEROTIC NOW AND

CONSTIPATED.

[LAUGHTER]

LINCOLN SAID DEMOCRACY IS A

THEORY THAT THE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT

THEY WANT AND DESERVE TO GET IT

GOOD AND HARD TO.

Bill: WHO SAID THAT?

LINCOLN.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THEY WERE ELECTED

CLEARLY AND HAVE A MASSIVE

MANDATE ON A COUPLE OF ISSUES

ABSOLUTELY.

LET THEM DO WHAT THEY DO AND

JUDGE THE RESULTS.

I WILL TELL YOU THIS, GIVEN WHAT

THEY PLAN TO DO, IT'S NOT GOING

TO BE PRETTY, IT'S NOT GOING TO

BE PRETTY FOR THEM.

YOU THINK PUTTING TARIFFS UP IS

NOT GOING TO PUT INFLATION UP

IMMEDIATELY?

THE IMMIGRATION STUFF IS GOING

TO TIP THE ECONOMY DOWN?

WE WILL HAVE A STAGFLATION IN 12

MONTHS.

Bill: LET'S SEE WHAT

HAPPENS WITH THE DISRUPTORS WHEN

THE CORN LOBBY STARTS WEIGHING

IN WHEN THEY WANT TO FIX OUR

FOOD.

IT DEFINITELY DOES NEED THAT,

IT'S NOT LIKE WE ARE A HEALTHY

COUNTRY WE DEFINITELY ARE NOT.

SO IS THE PHARMACEUTICAL

INDUSTRY AND SO IS EVERY OTHER

LOBBYING FIRM IN THIS COUNTRY.

DEFENSE CONTRACTORS, YOU THINK

THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE IT UP THE

ASS WHEN THE DISRUPTORS COME BY

AND SAY WE HAVE TO CUT THE

BUDGET BY $200 BILLION, LET'S

SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS

BUT I WILL TELL YOU ONE THING.

I BELIEVE THE SENATE HAS A ROLE

TO NOT JUST PERFORM THEIR ADVICE

AND CONSENT BUT TO TAKE A LOOK

AT THESE NOMINEES.

I HAVE SEEN A LOT IN MY DAY IN

WASHINGTON, D.C., BUT I HAVE

NEVER SEEN THIS CAST OF CABINET

MEMBERS.

Bill: YOU WANT A

DISRUPTION!

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

I'M THINKING I SHOULD KEEP MY

DOG RIGHT NOW IN THE HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

THE REAL DISRUPTORS KNOW WHAT

THEY ARE DOING.

THEY KNOW THE GOVERNMENT, THEY

KNOW HOW TO FIX IT.

MY CONCERN IS HE'S PUTTING

DISRUPTORS WHO ARE GOOD AT PLAY

ACTING IN GOOD AT ON TV AND PUT

IT BEING CRAZY BUT THEY DON'T

HAVE EXPERIENCE MANAGING AND

WRESTLING WITH THESE

BUREAUCRACIES ARE FACING DOWN--

Bill: BUT WHAT THEY WOULD

SAY IS THEY HAVE PEOPLE TO DO

THAT AND THEY HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE

TO DO IT.

AL GORE WAS GOING TO REINVENT

THE GOVERNMENT, REMEMBER THAT

WAS HIS BIG ASSIGNMENT.

LET THEM TRY.

LET'S PROPOSE IT TO PEOPLE.

AL GORE HAD A TEAM OF

PROFESSIONALS WHO KNEW THE

GOVERNMENT--

Bill: BUT THEY DIDN'T DO IT

IT.

THEY LEFT THE GOVERNMENT, AS

PART OF THAT EFFORT ON

CAPITOL HILL AND THE

ADMINISTRATION, LEFT THE COUNTRY

IN A GOOD PLACE IN TERMS OF THE

DEFICITS.

Bill: AND THE BUDGET, ZERO.

SO DID OBAMA, HE LEFT THE

COUNTRY IN A GOOD PLACE.

AND JOE BIDEN ON KAMALA HARRIS

ARE LEAVING A LOT OF GRAVY ON

THE TABLE.

LET'S SEE WHAT TRUMP

ADMINISTRATION WILL DO.

I'M REFERRING TO THE CHIPS ACT

I'M TALKING ABOUT INFLATION

REDUCTION, THOSE JOBS ARE GOING

TO CONTINUE TO COME INTO BEING.

YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO SIGN

HIS FAT SIGNATURE ON THE CHECKS.

DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO TAKE

CREDIT FOR EVERY SINGLE THING.

THE WORST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD

IS SUDDENLY THE GREATEST EVER.

Bill: IT'S ALREADY IN THE

POLLS.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN LIKE 30%

OF REPUBLICANS NOW WITHOUT THE

ECONOMY WAS TERRIBLE THINK IT'S

GREAT AND 13% OF DEMOCRATS--

WHICH JUST SHOWS THE REPUBLICANS

ARE ABOUT TWICE AS CRAZY AS THE

DEMOCRATS.

IT SHOWS YOU DONALD TRUMP WAS

ABLE TO COMMUNICATE DIRECTLY TO

THE PEOPLE.

HE BUILT A RELATIONSHIP OVER

FOUR YEARS WITH VOTERS.

THERE WERE PEOPLE EVEN IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD WHO SAID

DONALD TRUMP SENT ME A CHECK I

SAID NO HE DIDN'T, HE SIGNED IT.

BECAUSE PEOPLE REALLY BELIEVE--

THIS DUDE RAN A CAMPAIGN THAT

WAS FANTASTIC.

REALLY WAS A BRILLIANT CAMPAIGN,

YOU JUST LONG FOR A DEMOCRAT--

OBAMA THAT IT OBVIOUSLY--

EVERY DAY HE WOULD GET UP IN

THE MORNING AND SAY THE SKY IS

BLACK.

KNOW IT'S NOT, IT'S BLUE THEY

WOULD SAY OH BULLSHIT HE SAID IT

WAS BLACK.

WE HAVE TO FIND A BETTER WAY

OF DEALING WITH HIM.

ACTUALLY THOUGHT JOHN FETTERMAN

WAS GOOD TO.

WHEN TRUMP ANNOUNCED MATT GAETZ

AS PROSPECTIVE ATTORNEY GENERAL,

WHAT JOHN FETTERMAN SAID WAS

THAT WAS GOD TIER LEVEL TROLLIN

TROLLING.

THEN WHEN HE WITHDREW HE SAID

HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T THINK THAT

WOULD HAPPEN.

HE'S NOT AFRAID OF TRUMP, HE'S

MOCKING HIM ALREADY.

DON'T BECOME HYSTERICS AGAIN.

WITH EVERYTHING SAY OH, MY GOD,

HE'S HITLER.

CHILL OUT.

ATTACK HIM.

Bill: THE DEMOCRATS WERE

FIGHTING THE LAST WAR THEY WERE

GOING ON LEGACY MEDIA, SHE WENT

ON RACHEL MADDOW AND

STEPHEN COLBERT AND HE WAS GOING

ON THE PODCAST IS IN ALL THIS

STUFF.

I READ THAT A FIFTH OF PEOPLE

GET THEIR NEWS FROM INFLUENCERS.

MY HEAD EXPLODED 20 YEARS AGO

WHEN IT WAS LIKE OH, MY GOD,

THEY MOVED TO FACEBOOK.

NOW IT'S TIKTOK.

TIKTOK, SUGAR.

I WENT ON TIKTOK I DON'T THINK I

POSTED MORE THAN FIVE TIMES WE

MAY HAVE TO TIKTOK BEFORE I

LEAVE-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT

MEANS, I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO

STAY WITH YOU OVERNIGHT.

I DON'T WANT THAT TIKTOK TO

HAPPEN.

[APPLAUSE]

I'M READING THE NEWSPAPER, THEY

ARE STREAMING.

THEY'RE GETTING THEIR NEWS LIKE

THIS.

Bill: OF COURSE, IF THAT.

DATE TIKTOK AND THEY TOLD ME

I WAS GOOD TO BE WITH YOU.

SHE'S TALKING NOT A VERB.

WHEN DID YOU GET SO SMUG?

IT IS A VERB.

Bill: WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF

THE MARKED DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A

REACTION TO 2016 AND 2024.

IN 2016 HE WON AND THERE WAS

3 MILLION PEOPLE IN THE STREETS,

REMEMBER THE HATS AND ALL OF

THAT?

IT WAS THE BIGGEST IMMIGRATION

EVER COME OF THIS YEAR--

NOTHING.

WHAT IS THIS, RESIGNATION?

IT'S ANGER BUT ALSO SHOCK.

THEIR ANGRY THAT KAMALA LOST.

THEY ARE IN SHOCK BUT I DO

BELIEVE THERE'S A GROUP OF

AMERICANS THAT UNDERSTAND WE

NEED MORE THAN JUST A CAMPAIGN,

WE NEED A MOVEMENT.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DEFEAT

MAGA-- ONE DONALD TRUMP IS

DEAD, 355, 24/7 IN YOUR FACE ALL

THE TIME, DEMOCRATS AND

REPUBLICANS WHO JOIN US AND

INDEPINDEPENDENTS MUST CONTINUEO

FIGHT FOR AN AMERICA AS GOOD AS

ITS PROMISED.

Bill: DO WE HAVE TO FIGHT

FOR UKRAINE?

I HOPE SO.

Bill: BECAUSE THIS IS

INTERESTING.

NOW THE STAKES HAVE BEEN RAISED

IN THIS WAR BECAUSE WE GAVE--

BIDEN IN HIS LAST COUPLE MONTHS

IN OFFICE THAT ALONE IS A LITTLE

CONTROVERSIAL GAVE UKRAINE THE

WEAPONS TO FIRE AND PUTIN SAYS

HE CAN USE NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN

RESPONSE TO.

IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYBODY IS

COMING ON BOARD TO THE IDEA I

HATE TO ADMIT TRUMP SET IT AT

THE BEGINNING, IT'S GOING TO BE

A NEGOTIATED SETTLEMENT.

I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE LOSING THE

WAR, UKRAINE.

AND THEY ARE NOBLE AND WE

SUPPORT THEM CERTAINLY IN

SPIRIT, SHOULD WE DO IT AS WE

HAVE BEEN?

WHEN I LOOK AT THIS IT LOOKS TO

ME LIKE THE TYSON FIGHT.

I REMEMBER A WEEK AGO EVERYONE

WAS TALKING ABOUT IT, WHAT'S

GOING TO HAPPEN?

THEN YOU SAW THE FIGHT AND YOU

REALIZE WE KIND OF REALLY NEW IN

THE RATIONAL PART OF OUR BRAIN

FROM THE BEGINNING THAT A

58-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WAS OVER THE

HILL IN THE 90s WAS NOT GOING

TO BE DONE I COULD BEAT THIS

28-YEAR-OLD BEHEMOTH.

AND WE WERE ALL LIKE MAYBE I'M

GOING TO GO AND WATCH IT.

IF YOU LOOK AT THE

RUSSIA-UKRAINE WAR-- THEY BOTH

LOST THIS WAR.

MOSCOW AND KYIV.

THEY'VE LOST ALMOST 400,000

SOLDIERS.

THEIR ECONOMY IS IN A MESS.

WHAT I WORRY ABOUT IS THAT BIDEN

WISELY SAID WE NEED TO COUNTER

RUSSIA BUT WE DON'T WANT

WORLD WAR III.

WE DON'T WANT NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON

SO WE ARE NOT GOING TO ALLOW THE

UKRAINIANS TO USE MISSILES THAT

WILL LONG RANGE RUSSIA THAT OUR

NATO MEMBERS HAVE THE TECHNICAL

ABILITY TO LAUNCH-- WE HAVE

GONE THROUGH 3 INCHES AFTER NATO

DECLARING AND LAUNCHING WAR ON

RUSSIA.

IF A MISSILE CAME INTO THIS

COUNTRY, INTO THE TERRITORY OF

THE U.S. AND WAS ASSEMBLED BY

THE RUSSIAN MILITARY, EVEN IF IT

WAS FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY I THINK

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT MIGHT UP

THE ANTE AGAIN AND PUTIN WENT ON

TV AND SAID THIS MEANS NUKES.

HE'S BEEN VERY CLEAR ABOUT THAT.

WHY ARE WE ESCALATING?

Bill: AND A MAJORITY OF

UKRAINIANS NOW WANTED TO END.

IT'S OBVIOUS THERE'S GOOD TO

HAVE TO BE A PARTITION IN WHICH

ROUGHLY WHAT THEIR RUSSIANS ARE

OCCUPIED THEY KEEP.

BY THE WAY, MAINLY RUSSIAN

SPEAKING.

AS OF THE MOST EPIC DECISION IN

THE WORLD AND THE REST OF

UKRAINE, HOW DO YOU REASSURE THE

REST OF UKRAINE THAT THEY ARE

NOT GOING TO BE PUMMELED AGAIN?

THE ANSWER IS RUSSIA HAS BEEN

DEVASTATED BY THIS.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE THEM QUITE A

WHILE.

THEY'RE HAVING TO BRING IN

NORTH KOREANS TO FIGHT THEIR WAR

FOR THEM, THAT'S HOW DESPERATE

THEY ARE.

ALSO WANT TO SEND A MESSAGE

TO POLAND, ESTONIA, LITHUANIA,

THE BALTIC NATIONS, THAT WE ARE

GOING TO STAND WITH THEM.

THERE'S A REASON WHY

UNITED STATES AND BRITAIN AND

OTHERS ARE HELPING UKRAINE.

PUTIN SAYS HE HAS TARGETS IN

POLAND!

Bill: I'VE GOT TO END IT

THERE.

IT'S TIME FOR NEW RULES, THE

LAST NEW RULES OF 2024.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: NOW THAT THE BIG FIGHT

IS OVER, MIKE TYSON MUST CHANGE

HIS NICKNAME TO "IRON DEFICIENCY

MIKE."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I LOVE MIKE AND WOULDN'T LAST

TEN SECONDS IN THE RING WITH

HIM, BUT I'VE SEEN LIVELIER

FIGHTS OVER WHO'S NEXT AT THE

DELI.

I THOUGHT MY WI-FI SIGNAL WAS

FROZEN-- TURNS OUT, NO, THAT

WAS JUST THE FIGHT.

ONE WAY TO TELL A BIG STREAMING

EVENT IS A BUST?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN IT'S FREE AND YOU STILL

WANT YOUR MONEY BACK.

[LAUGHTER]

NEW RULE: SOMEONE IN THE PART OF

THE MEDIA THAT STILL WRITES

CAPTIONS MUST CAPTION THIS

PICTURE OF ROBERT KENNEDY BEING

FORCE-FED McDONALD'S WITH HIS

NEW BRO-CREW: "WHAT'S THE

OPPOSITE OF A HAPPY MEAL?"

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING: "WHERE

HAVE I SEEN SOMEONE MAKE THAT

FACE BEFORE?"

IT WAS A SMALL ASHAMED DOG,

TAKING A DIFFICULT SHIT.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

NEW RULE: LET'S GO EASY ON

MATTEL FOR MISTAKENLY PRINTING

THE ADDRESS OF A PORN SITE ON

THE PACKAGING OF THEIR DOLLS

FROM THE MOVIE "WICKED."

IT WAS AN EASY MISTAKE, SINCE

THERE'S LONG BEEN A PORN COMPANY

ALSO CALLED WICKED-- BUT LOOK

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: YOUR KID

LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.

MOSTLY THAT WHEN YOU GET TO THE

SCREEN THAT SAYS "ARE YOU 18?"

YOU JUST CLICK "YES" AND ALL THE

PORN IN THE WORLD IS YOURS.

ALSO IF YOU TAKE MOM'S CREDIT

CARD, YOU CAN USE THAT TO ACCESS

PREMIUM CONTENT.

AND, FOR A LITTLE EXTRA YOU CAN

PRIVATE MESSAGE THE PORN STARS

FROM THE ACTUAL FILM.

ALSO THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY

MESSAGING THE PORN STARS, YOU'RE

TEXTING WITH A DUDE IN RESEDA

NAMED GARY, BUT, THAT YOU

[LAUGHTER]

SHOULDN'T HAVE AGREED TO MEET

GARY IN THE MALL PARKING LOT.

SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS, THANKS,

THERE'S A GREAT ARTICLE THAT

NEW RULE, BEFORE WE ALLOW SANTA

INTO OUR HOMES THIS CHRISTMAS,

SOME OF THEM IF THEY RUN A CHECK

ON HIM, HE CLAIMS TO BE A JOLLY

OLD SAINT BUT WHAT DO WE REALLY

KNOW ABOUT SANTA CLAUS?

SANTOS SAYS HE IS BRINGING TOYS

TO BOYS AND GIRLS BUT THE COPS

CALL IT BREAKING AND ENTERING.

SANTOS SAYS HE'S A JOB CREATOR

BUT TELL THAT TO THE ELVES

WORKING FOR PENNIES IN HIS

SWEATSHOP.

HE SAYS HE'S PROENVIRONMENT BUT

WHAT DOES HE FEEL NAUGHTY KIDS

OF STOCKINGS WITH?

COAL.

IS THAT WHO WE WANT RUNNING THE

NORTH POLE, A MAN WHO MAKES KIDS

SIT ON HIS LAP FOR TOYS?

CALL SANTA AND TELL HIM THAT

YOU'RE TIRED OF HIS REINDEER

GAMES.

SANTA CLAUS: BAD FOR THE

NORTH POLE, BAD FOR AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

NEW RULE: NOW THAT MULTIPLE PRO

ATHLETES ARE CELEBRATING AFTER A

GOAL, KNOCKOUT, OR TOUCHDOWN BY

DOING THE TRUMP DANCE, I WOULD

LIKE TO CLAIM A LITTLE CREDIT

FOR THE ROLE I PLAYED IN

POPULARIZING THIS.

THANK YOU.

I SHOWED IT 17 TIMES THIS YEAR.

SO I'M GLAD IT'S CATCHING ON

WITH THE MANLIEST OF HIS MANLY

SUPPORTERS BUT YOU DO KNOW EVERY

TIME I SHOWED IT, I SAID HE WAS

JERKING OFF TO GO GUYS AT ONCE,

RIGHT?

AND FINALLY NEW RULE, CAN WE

PLEASE NOT LET POLITICS FUCK UP

THE HOLIDAYS, ANYBODY WITH ME ON

THIS?

HALF THE COUNTRY IS MOPING, HALF

CAN'T STOP GLOATING, IT'S

FUCKING CHRISTMAS AND YOU WILL

ACT LIKE IT!

'TIS THE SEASON AND ALL THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO READ ANY MORE

ARTICLES LIKE THE ONE ABOUT THE

TRUMP LOVING COUNTY SHERIFF IN

OHIO WHO POSTED ON FACEBOOK

BEFORE THE ELECTION "IF YOU

SUPPORT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY I

WILL NOT HELP YOU."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE,

WORST RESPONDER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO WONDER THE SIDE OF YOUR

PATROL CAR SAYS "TO PROTRACT AND

SWERVE."

HEY ASSHOLE, IT'S YOUR JOB TO

HELP PEOPLE, ALL PEOPLE, NOT

JUST THE ONES YOU AGREE WITH.

I WOULD SAY THE SAME TO THE FEMA

SUPERVISOR IN FLORIDA WHO TOLD

RANK-AND-FILE RELIEF WORKERS

AFTER HURRICANE MILTON TO AVOID

HELPING HOMES WITH TRUMP SIGNS

ON THEIR LAWNS.

THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP ON

BOTH SIDES.

THIS IS AMERICA, I WANT TO BE

JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF MY

CHARACTER, NOT WHAT'S ON MY

LAWN.

[LAUGHTER]

A GREAT ARTICLE CAME OUT IN THE

FREE PRESS THIS YEAR BY SOMEONE

WHO LEARNED THIS FIRSTHAND.

IT'S CALLED WHATEVER HAPPENS,

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR,"

AND IT TELLS OF HOW A MARRIED

COUPLE-- WHO ARE EXACTLY THE

PORTRAIT OF A LIBERAL WHITE

COUPLE LIVING IN PARK SLOPE,

BROOKLYN THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT

-- WIND UP MOVING UPSTATE, AND

THEN ARE SURROUNDED BY TRUMPERS.

AND, THEY'RE PETRIFIED.

BUT, THEN WHEN THEY GET STUCK IN

THE SNOW, THE TRUMP GUY DOWN THE

STREET DOESN'T HESITATE TO HELP

DIG THE LIBERALS OUT.

THE AUTHOR, LARISSA PHILIPS,

SAYS SHE "SLOWLY TO REJECT THE

POLITICAL PREJUDICE SO COMMON

AMONG MY TRIBE," AND THAT "IT'S

HARD TO CARE WHERE SOMEONE

STANDS ON POLITICS WHEN THEY

RACE TO YOUR HOUSE TO SAVE A

DYING LAMB.

WHEN THEIR WIFE HELPS SEARCH FOR

YOUR RUNAWAY DOGS," AND THAT SHE

"PERSONALLY BEEN STUNNED BY THE

DEPTH OF MY NEIGHBORS'

GENEROSITY."

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THERE ARE FINE

PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.

AND THAT HUMANS ARE COMPLICATED.

IF WE'RE GOING TO REMAIN A

VIABLE SOCIETY, THERE MUST BE

SOME THINGS THAT TRANSCEND

POLITICS, LIKE DISASTER RELIEF

AND LAW ENFORCEMENT.

AND HELPING NEIGHBORS.

AND CHRISTMAS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GET IT THAT FOR THE DEMOCRATS

THIS WAS A BRUTAL LOSS, BUT THE

PLAN TO DEAL WITH IT HAS TO BE

SOMETHING BETTER THAN STAY IN A

SNIT AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS

MAGICAL TIME OF YEAR TO CUT

PEOPLE OFF!

THE HUFFINGTON POST HAS ARTICLES

LIKE "MY HUSBAND VOTED FOR TRUMP

-- AND SO I'M CANCELLING

THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS."

GEE, NOT HAVING TO BUY YOU A

PRESENT-- THAT'LL TEACH HIM!

BUT FAMILY ISN'T LIKE GENDER--

YOU CAN'T FIX IT BY CUTTING OFF

MEMBERS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THE CHIEF PSYCHIATRIC RESIDENT

AT YALE UNIVERSITY, AMANDA

CALHOUN, RECENTLY TOLD JOY REID

IT'S OKAY TO CUT OFF FAMILY

MEMBERS IF THEY VOTED FOR TRUMP

AND TELL THEM, "I'M NOT GOING TO

BE AROUND YOU THIS HOLIDAY."

HOW PURE.

IT'S LIKE NOT LETTING CERTAIN

PEOPLE SIT WITH YOU ON THE BUS.

SHE ALSO SAID THAT IT SHOULDN'T

BE AUTOMATIC THAT FAMILY MEMBERS

THINK THEY'RE "ENTITLED TO YOUR

TIME."

SHE SAID THAT'S JUST A "SOCIETAL

NORM."

FAMILY-- WHO DO THEY THINK THEY

ARE-- FAMILY?

THINK ABOUT THAT: A MENTAL

HEALTH "PROFESSIONAL" ADVISING

PEOPLE TO ISOLATE DURING THE

HOLIDAYS.

AND DON'T FORGET TO DRINK TOO

MUCH AND PUT ON WEIGHT!

AND THIS THANKSGIVING BEFORE THE

BIG MEAL, REMEMBER TO TAKE TURNS

SAYING WHAT YOU'RE HATEFUL

ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHO I REALLY WOULDN'T

WANT TO HAVE THANKSGIVING DINNER

WITH?

THIS OVERLY-EDUCATED, I.E.,

EXTREMELY STUPID, IVORY TOWER

ACADEMIC-- BUT I WOULD, BECAUSE

IF WE EVER WANT THIS NATION TO

HEAL, THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO

DO: FORCE OURSELVES TO REACH OUT

AND FIND OUT WHY SOMEONE FEELS

THE WAY THEY DO AND MAKES THE

CHOICES THEY MAKE WITHOUT

PREJUDGING THEM A MONSTER, AND

THEY MUST DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED TO "WHY CAN'T WE

-- THANK YOU, ONE GUY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT HAPPENED TO "WHY CAN'T WE

HAVE THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT ALL

YEAR ROUND?"

NOW IT'S "HEY, IT'S CHRISTMAS

TIME -GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY

HOUSE.

I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU.

FUCK OFF.

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GO HAVE

YOUR BABY IN THE BARN."

CAN WE HAVE A LITTLE

PERSPECTIVE?

AT THE FIRST THANKSGIVING, THE

INDIANS SOMEHOW FOUND IT WITHIN

THEMSELVES TO SIT DOWN WITH THE

PILGRIMS WHO WERE THERE TO STEAL

THEIR LAND AND SLAUGHTER THEM.

AND YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU CAN'T

SUCK IT UP AND WATCH THE FIESTA

BOWL WITH YOUR UNCLE CLETUS?

THERE'S EVEN A TREND NOW AMONG

LIBERAL WOMEN OF WEARING BLUE

BRACELETS TO SIGNAL THAT THEY'RE

KAMALA VOTERS AND THEREFORE SAFE

TO APPROACH AND TALK TO.

BECAUSE GOD FORBID YOU FALL INTO

SOME CHECKOUT LINE CHITCHAT WITH

-- GASP!

- A REPUBLICAN!

AND MANY YOUNG WOMEN NOW ARE

ALSO PLEDGING NEVER TO HAVE SEX

WITH ANY MAN WHO VOTED FOR

TRUMP.

REALLY?

THAT'S YOUR BIG PLAN?

EMBARGOING THE PUSSY?

IT'S SO EGOTISTICAL-- AS IF THE

ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT IS NOT

LETTING PEOPLE HAVE YOU.

HEY, YOU WEREN'T FUCKING TRUMP

TYPE GUYS ANYWAY.

WELL, EXCEPT FOR TAYLOR.

[GROANING]

[APPLAUSE]

AS FOR TRUMP HIMSELF?

I GUARANTEE YOU HE'S GOING TO

HAVE A GOOD CHRISTMAS.

I'M SURE MAR-A-LAGO ALREADY HAS

BELLS RINGING AND STOCKINGS HUNG

LIKE ARNOLD PALMER.

TRUMP COULDN'T ASK FOR A GREATER

HOLIDAY GIFT THAN KNOWING THAT

AN EMBITTERED LIBERAL SPENT WHAT

SHOULD BE A DAY OF JOY ALL BY

THEMSELVES DRINKING CAGE-FREE

EGGNOG AND CRYING IN THEIR "WE

ARE NOT GOING BACK" T-SHIRT.

DON'T LET HIM DO IT.

DON'T LET TRUMP LIVE IN YOUR

BRAIN LIKE RFK'S WORM.

DON'T LET HIM MAKE YOU HATE YOUR

FAMILY MORE THAN YOU ALREADY DO

-- THAT'S WHAT SECRET SANTA IS

FOR.

WE HAD AN ELECTION-- TRUMP WILL

GET THE WHITE HOUSE AGAIN.

BUT THIS TIME HE'S NOT GONNA GET

MY MIND.

OKAY THAT'S OUR SHOW.

WE'LL SEE YOU JANUARY 17TH!

MY NEW COMEDY SPECIAL "IS ANYONE

ELSE SEEING THIS?"

IS COMING TO HBO JANUARY 10TH

AND WILL BE AVAILABLE TO STREAM

ON MAX.

AND WATCH THE CLUB RANDOM

PODCAST ON YOUTUBE, OR LISTEN

WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR PODCASTS.

I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS ANDREW

SULLIVAN, DONNA BRAZILE AND NEIL

DEGRASSE TYSON.

NOW GO WATCH "OVERTIME" ON

YOUTUBE.

THANK YOU, FOLKS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪