Original subtitles

Richard!

Morning. I want you to set me up with a Facebook page.

So usually people say "Morning" back.

They were all talking about it in the pub last night.

Frank Organ's got one. Spent the entire night showing us pictures

of his grandchildren.

And, you know, I thought, "I'd love to do that."

What, look at pictures of Frank Organ's grandchildren online?

Hmm, wouldn't broadcast that.

You and Emily were getting on well last night.

Were we? Oh.

We were, we do.

Maybe I'll be looking at pictures of my own grandchildren soon.

OK, anything else?

Er...yes.

Your breakfast is ready.

Big day today.

Your mother's ashes. Oh, yes.

Yes, we did say we would do that today.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, sorry, Dad, do you mind? Not at all.

No, I meant, would you leave?

Oh. Should have said that.

I'm not a bloody mind-reader, you know.

Sally, hi.

Hello, prestige TV star!

Sounds weird being called that.

Well, it is very much a supporting role, isn't it?

Sure. So they've booked you on the four o'clock train to Glasgow,

and then you're on the 11:30 flight to Oslo tonight.

Have you told your mum yet?

Dad. Have you told her? I bet she's pleased!

So, what's the plan?

Well, there's a few places I'd like to visit

just one last time with your ma before we scatter her, yeah?

Could you hold that?

There you go.

There you go.

You've written here, "Superdrug."

Oh, that's because I've run out of foot cream.

Ah.

Right, so which of these places are we actually scattering her?

Oh, well, that's not on the list.

Why? Well, because that information will be revealed to you...

WHISPERED: ..when the time is right.

Why are you talking like the guy from the start of a

Mission: Impossible film?

Well, because I don't want to implicate you in any way.

Sorry, have the Stasi opened a human remains division in Forres?

It's just that the place I have in mind,

technically, you're not allowed to scatter human remains.

You know, legally speaking.

Which begs the question, why there, then?

Because that's where it should be.

Oh, just trust me.

Think of it as one last family day out, eh?

Just the three of us.

Before we get arrested. There's no-one that's going to get arrested.

Well, your mother's not, anyway.

KEN HUMS

Emily! Oh, hey.

Yeah, hey. Er, I just sold the house.

Seriously? Yeah.

So I guess we won't be meeting like this any more.

It does happen quite a lot, don't you think?

More than it used to, I guess.

So why the suitcase?

Yeah, about that, can you hold on to this for me

and I'll come and get it later? Oh, God.

Finally snapped with Ken, did you?

Oh.

Oh, you're leaving, aren't you?

Yeah. That's what the call was about last night.

Yeah. You, er, seemed weird when you came back into the pub.

It's a crime series in Norway.

I mean, it's all happened so quickly.

Oh, and you haven't told your dad?

Yeah. Aha, you're there!

Your mother and I are waiting.

Oh, are you off somewhere nice?

Yes, I am off to...

Norway. Ooh, Norway.

Not a fan.

What's wrong with Norway? Well, I don't trust them.

Carolyn Murner went there specifically to see

the Northern Lights, yeah?

And they told her they're not as bright as you see them

in the photos.

And that's the whole of Norway's fault, is it?

Just be warned, OK?

I will, Mr Pritch. Thanks for the heads up.

Right, your mother's keen to get going.

Oh, she said that, did she?

Maybe you could ask her what the password for your email is

while you've got her. You're scattering Jean?

Yes, we are indeed. On the same day as yo...

..I'm going to Norway?

Well, that's unfortunate timing.

Oh, sorry, Emily. Did you want to come?

No, no, no. I'll leave you two to it.

I'm sure I'll hear all about it later.

SHE STRAINS

Huh?

Whoa! Careful...

..with, erm, your suitcase.

Well, Norway...

..apparently. Have a great time.

Apparently it's very clean.

Great transport links.

Right.

The journey of Jean and Ken Pritchard's life together

begins now.

Where to first?

A magical, magical place.

Two heavies, please, Ian. A coke.

Coming up.

We were here last night.

I know, I know we were, but last night this was just a pub.

Today, this is the pub where I first saw your mother.

I thought you met in the cafe.

Aye, we did, we did, but this is, er...

This is where I first saw her.

Mind you, it took me six weeks to pluck up the courage to talk to her.

That was here.

I was standing right here, and she was working behind the bar.

This was actually a very special place for us.

Oh. Both our parents were very, very strict Catholics,

and when we were courting

and we wanted some alone time,

we'd pop down to the cellar.

I don't want to know. Why are you telling me this?

Oh, for goodness' sake, Richard, you're a man of the world.

I mean, I hate to break it to you,

but your mother and I were intimate from time to time.

Where do you think you came from?

Having said that, you know, you were a bit of a mistake.

And the hits keep coming. Oh, well, no, I didn't mean it.

You weren't a mistake, you were...

..an accident. How's that any better?!

Listen, by the time you came out,

we were very, very pleased to see you.

Gentlemen, that'll be �6.50, please.

Hello, Doctor. Hello, Ken.

Hello. Hello, Jean.

How are you in yourself, hmm?

Can I just say how delighted we are to be included in this

momentous day of remembrance,

and to mark it, here is Jean's favourite.

Large port and lemon. Oh, that's...

Thank you, Ian.

Thank you, Jen. Cheers, guys. My pleasure. Yeah.

That's �7.90, Richard.

CARD MACHINE BEEPS Perfect.

This is where we had our first date,

standing right here.

I didn't know you and Mum followed the football.

Oh, yes. We used to come every week.

How come you stopped?

Well, you were born,

so we had to give up the things we enjoyed doing.

Well, that's a lovely story.

Oh, you'll find that out for yourself

when you and Emily have kids of your own.

I don't know what you're talking about. We're not even going out.

Well, you'd better get on it,

she won't hang around forever.

Plus, your biological clock is ticking.

Yeah, they were talking about it on Loose Women the other day.

Dad, how many times?

Stop watching Loose Women.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

RICHARD EXHALES

What's that, bad news? No.

Look, I need to tell you something.

Kenny boy!

Hello.

What are you doing here? Ha! I would've thought that was obvious.

The game! Aye, it doesn't kick off for two hours.

Well, I like to make sure that I get my spot.

This is my spot. Look, see?

Oh, I see you've brought Jean with you.

Yes, we're scattering her today.

Ah, right.

I still remember the day I scattered my Rose.

Which one was she? Really?

That would be the one that died, Ken.

She was my first love.

Third wife, though, eh? But first love!

Hold on, you're not scattering Jean here?

She'll ruin the grass!

Eh? Her ashes contain calcium and calcium phosphorate,

which kills grass! How dare you?!

My Jean never contained calcium phosphorate in her life,

did she, Richard?

She never mentioned anything to me. Well, I'm telling you that she does!

All right, that's it. That is it!

Here, hold your mother.

Hey, come on, you two. Just calm down.

You better warn him! I'm a white belt.

Everyone's a white belt, Rod. Right, Dad, don't let yourself

get worked up. This is supposed to be a happy memory.

Come on, let's just leave.

Just you keep my wife's name out of your mouth!

Come on, Fresh Prince, keep moving.

Can you not read?!

You know what? I'm not going to let him away with that!

No! I'm going to... You're 75 years of age!

Come on! Oh, thank you!

We ARE scattering her today, though, yeah?

Yes, yes, yes. All in good time.

All right, Richie? All right, Digsy?

Hello, Darren.

That's your real name? It is, yeah.

What are you doing around here? Erm, well...

I better get going, actually. I'm late for an appointment.

Digsy!

Ha, sorry.

What am I like, yeah? Well, maybe see you in a bit, eh?

All the best.

All right, Richie? Mike.

Oi, stop!

So how do you want to play this?

Well, I think we just knock the door and ask if they wouldn't mind us

having a quiet moment of reflection

in their front garden.

You should probably mention that you and Mum used to live there.

You think so?

I think that's the important bit.

DIGSY AND MIKE EXCLAIM

That's new.

I don't think anyone's in. Oh, well.

All right.

Just trying to picture your mother here.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

Oh, that's lovely.

Ian and Jen have agreed to my friend request.

They really do everything together, don't they?

I suppose having a Facebook account

might actually be...

..quite handy. It'll be an easy way of keeping in touch

with everyone from the town, you know,

if you wanted company or...

..needed help. I'd just phone you, wouldn't I?

I know, but I won't always be in Forres, though, will I?

Eh?

HE SIGHS Dad...

..the audition I had yesterday...

WOMAN: What the hell do you think you're doing?!

Well... MAN: Who are you talking to, Karen?

Here, don't I recognise you?

Er, oh, yeah, probably.

Not you! Oh.

I've no idea who you are. Yeah, I get it.

The old boy. I manage a pool up Hopeman Way.

You drove your car into it last year.

The very same. Five grand I had to spend

on retiling the thing, you daft sod!

Hey! There's no need for name calling.

Anyone could drive into a swimming pool.

If I wasn't in Tenerife the now,

I'd come out there and knock him out!

Right!

That's him smashed one of your gnomes, love. He's done what?!

Nobody calls my dad daft but me!

Mm-hm, and I'm not daft.

That's a different argument, but just apologise to my dad, please!

Hello?

Hello?!

We are calling the police!

Actually, we don't need an apology.

I think there was mistakes on both sides.

They're on their way! Yep, OK, nice talking. Er...

Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

INAUDIBLE

Oh, no, come ahead, ladies.

Oh! What are you doing?

Eh? I'm sitting at a bus stop.

Why are you sitting at a bus stop, though?

Because I'm waiting on a bus, Richard.

Did they not cover that at the school?

Where are you getting a bus to? This bus is taking you and I

to Findhorn. Findhorn? No!

No chance. Eh? But that's the next place on the list, you see?

Oh, don't worry, I've got it all planned out.

We'll be back in plenty of time to scatter her.

What, we're not even scattering her there?

Dad, I don't have time for this.

Eh, what are you talking about? We've got all day.

No, you have. You have all day.

Eh? I'm going to Norway this evening.

Oh. With Emily?

N-No, Emily's not going.

I got that part in the show.

They start shooting there in a couple of days, for six months.

What?! Probably longer.

When did you find this out?

Last night. And you didn't think to tell me?

Well, I didn't want to ruin your birthday.

Well, you have! It was yesterday.

Well, next year's, then. All right, all right!

All right, I-I should have told you last night, but I didn't.

Actually, no.

Do you know what? This is good news.

You should be happy for me, not making me feel guilty about it.

Oh, I see, it's ME that's making YOU feel guilty?

Yes, because that's what you do best.

Every time I want to move forward in my life,

I look over there and what do I see? You with your puppy dog eyes

staring back, making me feel like I've done something to hurt you.

Mum would understand, she'd be happy.

Oh, would she? And how would you know, boy?!

You only ever saw her at Christmas!

"Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't make your birthday, Mum, I was filming.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for Mother's Day,

"I was at Fern Britton's reiki retreat".

Cotton, it was Fearne Cotton. Well, don't let us spoil your plans.

It never has done in the past.

Where are you going?

Dad!

All right, Dad, you've made your point.

Come back! We'll talk it through!

Dad! Leave me alone!

Thanks for doing this.

That's OK. You're the first customer for my pensioner retrieval sideline.

Don't worry, we'll find him.

I'm going to get him chipped after this.

Well, he's not on the road to Findhorn.

Where the hell is he?

He's not at home and he's not in The Beastie.

OK.

Let's think about this logically.

You're Ken, where do you go?

Trust me, you don't want to open that Pandora's box.

Oh, let's just go to the station.

Richard, you can't leave without sorting this.

It's not my fault if I don't know where he is.

OK.

I need to say some things.

Are they nice things? Not really.

OK. Richard, do you remember what I said to you

when you first came back? Erm...

"..are you having a stroke?"

No, about your dad.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, because, erm...

Because you said, er...

You said that, erm...

OK, you don't. I want to.

I told you to make the most of the time that you had left with him.

Do you really feel like you've done that?

Well, I've been living with him for nearly nine months,

isn't that enough? I'm not talking about time in minutes and hours,

I meant what you got out of that time with him.

RICHARD SIGHS

Richard...

..you're pulling away from him.

I know, because that's exactly what I did with mine.

They're so tall...

..and you think, "If I could just make them smaller,

"then maybe I can get a head start on the grief."

But you just can't...

..because nothing prepares you for the loss, Richard.

And you might be bored of hearing him tell the same stories

over and over again...

..but there will come a day when all you want is to hear him

tell them one more time.

Oh, God!

I sound like Marley's Ghost.

Muppet or classic?

Well, Muppet, hopefully.

You do have a Muppet quality about you.

I've always thought that.

I really think that if you let your dad scatter your mum's ashes

by himself, then...

Well, it's going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

It won't.

It won't, because as much as he threatens,

he won't do it without me,

and all this will be forgotten in a couple of months,

and we'll do it together...

..properly.

OK.

Sorry if that got a bit intense.

Yeah, I get a bit nervous when women start crying around me.

Er, not that I've experienced...

Er, shall we put the radio on?

Ten minutes to spare. Yeah.

See you, then. Yeah.

See you.

Should I kiss you?

Like, I... Like, I'm not...

It just feels maybe if, you know,

In that... I thought, did you...?

I mean, I consent, do you want...?

And the moment's over, just like that.

I don't know why I'm like this.

Er...

..if you see my dad...

Tell him what a shit son you are?

I was going to anyway.

Great, thanks.

Tell him I'll call when I land, yeah?

HE SIGHS

Oh, what?

I've been looking for you.

Is that right? And if this is some kind of attempt

to stop me from going...

Believe it or not,

this isn't anything to do with you.

Then why are you here?

You're going to scatter her here, aren't you?

This was our place.

Look...

..I'm sorry I wasn't...

..truthful with you earlier.

I just didn't want to upset you.

Listen, you can't control how I'm going to feel

when you're not here.

I mean, you're my son, you twat.

You mean twit.

No, actually, I mean twat.

Oh. It doesn't matter if we leave on good terms or bad,

the end result is exactly the same.

My child's not going to be there any more and it's going to hurt,

you know? I mean, I think it's meant to hurt,

and there's nothing you can do about that.

I'll be fine.

I've still got two minutes if you want to...

Aye, we should, we should.

We should do it together.

Yeah, OK.

Right... How do you want to physically do it?

Have you seen a film called The Shawshank Redemption?

I am not emptying Mum out of the bottom of my trousers, Dad.

No? No.

OK.

We'll just see how we get on, all right? OK?

You hold out your hands.

That's it.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I think that's about half. Well, I mean, have you got a scale?

No, I think that looks about right.

Right, both at the same time, OK?

Both at the same time.

Bye, Mum!

Cheery-bye, my darling.

TANNOY: If you see something that doesn't look right,

speak to the staff or text the British Transport Police on

61016.

We'll sort it.

CAMERA SHUTTERS SNAP See it, say it, sort it.

I knew we should have Shawshanked it.

TRAIN APPROACHES Oh, yeah, that's me.

Oh, that's your train.

Right, well, you'd better get on.

Yeah.

Well, er...

..just...

HE GASPS LIGHTLY

You make sure you get something to eat.

Yeah. OK. I will, Dad.

HE SIGHS

What are you doing? You're going to miss your flight!

I forgot to tell you something.

Well, you should have texted me.

You're joking.

That's the last thing I'd do if I wanted to tell you anything.

Well, you'd better phone Norway and tell them you're going to be late.

I can get there tomorrow.

I don't know, probably.

What did you forget to say?

So... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..what it is, is... Ahem!

Here, I've got a couple of Tunes somewhere.

No, no, no, no, it's fine. Erm...

..I just want to tell you,

and I know we're not...

..with words...

..but... RICHARD SIGHS

..you came to all my football games when I was at school...

..and I was terrible.

No, you weren't. I always got so confused which way I was shooting,

I kept scoring own goals,

and they made me fourth official

and dressed it up like it was a promotion,

but in the car on the way home you always said I'd played well...

..and I know that's...

..because you love me. Why...?

Why don't we nip round to Bellosi's and get an ice cream?

It's only around the corner there. Just...

..a minute.

So what I'm trying to say...

..is it's a bit like when I write,

"All my love, Richard" on your birthday cards.

What I'm trying to say is that, in fact,

actually...

..I love you too.

That's...

What was that last bit again?

Are you serious? I can hear you,

I just can't hear what you're saying.

I don't know why I bother. Eh?

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