Original subtitles

Dad, come on, PLEASE let me take that for you.

I'm fine.

Honestly, I don't mind, that's why I'm here.

What, to annoy me?

To help you.

You had a quadruple heart bypass two months ago.

How could I forget, eh?

With you reminding me of that fact every five minutes.

Honestly, it's like being followed round by the Grim bloody Reaper.

I don't think the Grim Reaper offers to take your heavy items.

OK, just... Fine, here! Take it, take it, take it!

Anything to get you to shut up.

Thank you. See, that wasn't so tough, was it?

You need to learn to accept help when it's offered.

Well...

..thank you very much for your help, son.

Here, one teddy.

Ooh! Two teddy.

Ah, yes, Delia Smith cookbook.

Her coq au vin is actually rather good.

A quid?!

For all 15 series? That's an insult.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES Oh, two secs.

Bump that up to at least a fiver.

Sally, hi. Just ignore him.

ON PHONE: Richard, how's your mum doing?

Erm, well, still dead.

Yes, I meant your dad.

Yeah, he's fine, thanks. Yeah, that's good.

I've actually arranged a surprise party for his birthday tonight.

Right, mm-hm. I'm really quite excited about it... Mm-hm.

..because I think that... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, the reason I called... Sure.

..is you've got an audition for a crime series, very classy,

based on a series of books, it's Prestige TV.

Prestige TV? Hmm. Mm, I know! I'm as surprised as you are.

Don't say that. I said you'd send over a self-tape today.

Er, today?

Erm... Mm-hm.

Yeah, yeah, OK, that's fine, yeah, yeah.

And if you get it, and, you know, well, it's a BIG if...

Don't say that either.

So, you should know they're shooting in three days.

Three days, that's a bit short notice, isn't it?

Well, I know, but it's because the actor who originally

had the part had to drop out, which reminds me,

you definitely haven't sent anyone in the industry

a picture of your penis have you? Of course I haven't!

Good, great. That is great, great news, Richard.

We should put that on your CV, actually, Richard.

I'll make a note of that. KEYBOARD CLACKS

Dad?

Have you seen my, er, phone charger?

I put it away.

Right, well, just tell me where it is, you're supposed to be resting.

No, I-I'll get it.

It's easier, I know exactly where it is.

Could you not just tell me it's in the cable drawer?

Eh?

Right, I'm about to do my self-tape.

The audition?

For the TV show I told you about half an hour ago?

OK, we'll start from the beginning.

I'm Richard, your son.

No need to be cheeky.

What about your audition?

Just don't want you to interrupt me. I am not going to interrupt you.

Hi, I'm Richard Pritchard,

represented by Sally Monteith,

height - 5'11".

Aye, on stilts.

Hmm.

He must have entered from the rear of the property.

Eh? Oh!

But how can that be?

I've just received the ballistics report!

Want a wee cup of tea? No!

Listen.

Can you hear that?

Silence.

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS We're the only two people...

Come on! DOORBELL RINGS

That's your front door. Oh!

Oh, I can see what's happened.

Er, the Tour de France is that way.

He's done it again, Dicky boy.

If your dad wants a paper delivered,

I suggest he arranges that with the shop,

rather than pinching mine and doing the crossword,

incorrectly, I might add, before putting it back on my front step.

Now, I don't do the crossword myself, but it's the principle.

Are you closing the door on me? No.

It feels like you are.

I don't think so.

Ooh, you are! You're doing it now!

You've done it!

Righto.

So, if you're all in position for eight,

we'll arrive about quarter past eight,

just to cover for any stragglers.

Don't worry, it's all up here.

Ooh, now, what time do you want us in position for?

Let's say EIGHT.

Great. Cor! We haven't had a party in here for ages.

I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, me too.

Think he deserves it after everything he's been through

in the last couple of months. Oh, which reminds me,

I don't think we should make too much noise when he arrives.

Just thinking about his heart.

It should be a surprise but not a shock.

What's the difference? Well, surprise is like,

"Oh, that's a nice surprise." And a shock's more like...

Dr Sparrow!

Oh, right, yeah.

I didn't see you there.

I was just watching my true crime doc, have you seen it?

The one who killed all those women? I don't know, what's it called?

The One Who Killed All Those Women.

Er...

"Happy birthday, Ken."

He'll get that it's for him, won't he?

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Hi. Les. Oh, thanks for calling me back.

Yeah, I'm just chasing, because I've not received your RSVP

for my dad's party tonight?

Sorry, who's this?

Oh, my... Oh, my God. I-I had no idea.

When did he go?

Well, at least he died doing something he loved.

No, I know he drowned, I just meant the cold-water swimming part.

Hello?

You OK? Yeah, I...

I'm just trying to find some people from my dad's old work,

and they're either completely infirm or dead.

Oh, that's life. At least your dad's got you to organise

his party for him.

I mean, who's going to organise our 75th? Yeah.

We should have had kids, shouldn't we?

I-I don't mean...

Not...not, like, me and you.

You know, not that I wouldn't want to...

..have, er, kids with you, in theory,

and, erm... And in reality, if you know, like,

that was actually happening, if we just, like, found out

like Joseph did in the Bible.

Do you want to speak now?

Sure.

Yeah, about tonight, erm...

..I might be arriving a little later than I said.

Oh, OK.

Having to work late? No, erm, actually, I have a date.

Date, how the hell did that happen?

Er, well, somebody realised they liked me and asked me out.

Yeah, er...

..I think I've seen that in films.

It's just a date. Well, erm, yeah,

you should bring him to the party tonight.

Or her?

Or them?

Yeah, it's a man.

Great!

Not...not in a homophobic, erm, way.

Er...

Yeah, no, actually, I should...I should get going.

So, I'll see you tonight, with your date.

It's a date!

Me and you and your date! Ha-ha!

OK.

This is good, you're literally running away.

Oh, aye, where have you been?

The Beastie. The Beastie? Doing what?

Drinking. It's lunchtime!

Just had a half pint.

You all right?

Yeah. What are you doing?

Well, I'm looking at old photos. Ha!

Look at that one, who's that, eh?

That's your dad, isn't it? Aye, aye, it is.

Yeah, I wish I could have met him.

Ah, well, he was dead before you were born.

Yeah, I know that. I didn't think we hadn't met

because we couldn't make our diaries work.

Who's in this one? Oh, oh, oh!

That's the old gang. HE CHUCKLES

Look at me, I'm just a boy there.

There's an old gang?

That's great, I can invite them.

Invite them where?

Eh?

Eh? Eh?

Eh? Eh?

I don't...

What was I saying there? You were telling me about the

people in this photo.

Oh, yes, aye, aye. Well, that's your mother.

Obviously. Aye, well...

What about this guy? That's, erm...

That's Donnie McWhirter.

Donnie McWhirter, is he still in Forres? Oh, yes.

They buried him up St Margaret's.

Right, forget about him. Who's this?

That's Francis, Francis Howie.

He's a right good laugh, he used to have us all in stitches.

We used to call him Francis of A-hee-hee!

THEY LAUGH

Killed himself in '91.

Aye, and there it is. OK, quicker way might be to tell me,

is there anyone in this photo still alive?

Well, there's me! HE LAUGHS

Right. And then there's Brian.

Brian? Who's Brian?

So, let me get this straight, he's your oldest friend,

he's your best friend,

but you don't see him any more?

Well, we just drifted apart.

He actually lives in Kinloss.

That's only three miles away.

Have you got a number for him? No! Didn't bother with any of that.

If I wanted to see him, I'd walk over to the Abbey,

and if he wanted to see me, he'd walk down the Beastie.

Before presumably upgrading to smoke signals.

When was the last time you saw him? Must have been his wife's funeral,

when would that be? Ten years ago.

What, he's a widower too?

Of course he is. Because you wouldn't want too much in common.

Er, why the sudden interest?

I... No reason.

Just wish I'd known about him...

..last week.

Right, er, I need to nip out again.

Hey, I've just made your tea.

Oh!

Ah, Murphy's cafe, them were the days, eh?

Did I ever tell you about the night I met your mother in Murphy's cafe?

Many times, Dad. It was actually Bertie McNeil that saw her first,

he was planning to ask her out.

As I said, you've already told me.

But I said to Bertie, I said,

"Bertie, I don't think she likes tall men,"

because I was meaning to ask her out as well, you see?

And Bertie, he's away about 6'5".

Yeah, I'm just going to leave.

Anyway... Ha-ha-ha!

I've sent Bertie up to the counter, I says,

"Get me a coke," because I knew...

..there'd be a queue...

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

So that's when I seized my chance.

I went over to your mother's table...

PHONE BEEPS

Hi, sorry, erm...

Do you have a Brian who drinks here?

Hi. Is it Brian?

SPEAKING RAPIDLY: Well, maybe, ken, like. Ha-ha!

Like, Brian by name, Brian by nature.

Come from a long line of Brians.

Brian, my father before me was Brian,

his father before him was Brian. Brian, like, ken?

Nope, sorry, I didn't even get a little bit of that.

He said, that's him.

Oh, thanks.

I think you might be a friend of my dad, Ken Pritchard?

Ken? Oh, uh-huh!

Ha, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken? Ken Pritchard, like?

I haven't seen him since we were playing...

Must've been upstairs where we was playing,

not downstairs playing, like, you know, aye, aye?

Aye.

Once again? I know Ken.

Yes. Are you sticking around?

I can do. Great.

Erm, it's my dad's 75th

and I'm throwing a surprise bash at the Beastie tonight,

and I wondered if you maybe could come along?

Ken's 75 is he?

Well, time flies.

He didn't say anything then.

No, I said that.

Did you know my dad too?

Aye, we used to knock about together all the time.

I'm Brian. I thought he was Brian.

We're both called Brian.

That might have been worth mentioning.

Any other Brians? MEN: Aye.

They delivered it to me by mistake.

Oh, look at that!

Ooh! Nice. HE CHUCKLES

There you go, here.

Jean always used to buy me shoes on my birthday.

Aw! "Happy birthday, with all my love, Jean."

Aw, that's nice.

I like that you keep the tradition going.

Don't suppose you've decided where you want to scatter her yet?

Well, actually, I saw something on the online,

lunar remembrance services.

Sorry, as...as in the moon?

Jean always liked the moon.

She was always commenting on it, you know?

"Oh, there's the moon come out now," she'd say. Ha!

Anyway, I was talking to John Docherty over at Broom of Moy

and he said he could maybe get me a cheaper deal, you know?

Cheaper space travel? Sure.

I mean, I knew he could get cheap bacon,

but I didn't realise he'd gone intergalactic.

So, you looking forward to your birthday night? Any plans?

Oh, yes, yes, we're going to the Beastie for a couple of pints,

lucky old me. Ha-ha!

Obviously, I wanted to go to the hospice.

Obviously.

B-But why again? Well, because I like the cafe up there,

but, well, His Lordship wouldn't wear it.

He said it was too depressing.

I mean, and I told him, I said, it's in a different

part of the building.

They don't make you look at the ill people.

Oh, well, that's good of them, isn't it?

You know, maybe Richard just feels like this birthday

warrants something a bit more special?

I don't believe it!

What is it? They've sent two left feet!

No!

How has that happened, for goodness' sake?

Same again, Martha.

Oh, I'm really not drinking, you're just wasting your money here.

HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

THEY LAUGH

No? No, good. Mm.

I always meant to catch up with your dad... Oh.

..but one month became two, that became a year.

I didn't want to cause a fuss.

I can see why the two of you got on so well.

Aye, he's a good man. Yeah.

He saved my life. Yeah.

Sorry, how do you mean?

I was a bit of a tearaway when I was a younger man.

Nothing serious. Being drunk and disorderly, petty vandalism.

We've all been there. Shoplifting, driving while disqualified,

dishonourable discharge from the Army.

To be fair, I haven't done that. One Christmas Eve, I was potless,

got caught stealing gifts for my kids

from a department store in Aberdeen.

There I was, about to spend Christmas in the cells,

when your dad caught wind of it.

Drove up to Aberdeen and bailed me out,

used his Christmas bonus to do it, too.

After that, he got me a job on the trains with him.

I turned over a new leaf and I never looked back.

I owe him everything.

He's a good man, your dad.

Yeah. He is.

To Ken.

HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

Sorry? He said, "To Ken."

Oh. To Ken. Ken.

THEY BURP AND GRUNT

Same again all round, Martha.

Dear God!

You really think we're going to find it in here?

Yeah. I told you, I got the exact same pair

for old Mr Chatterjee in this shop.

Aha!

See? What did I tell you.

Ye of little faith.

Well, would you look at that?

High five. Size eight.

OK. Hi, there. Can I help you at all...

Oh, God. Would you look who it is?!

Ha-ha!

I nearly bought a bed from you last year.

Do you remember? You smeared gravy all over the sheets

and then called me a twat. You do remember me!

And now you're here. Aye! Yes, er...

..we'd love this in a size eight, if you have it?

We do, I'll go and get them.

We just need the right shoe. OK.

Well, you've chosen well, this is a nice shoe.

No, no, you...you misunderstand.

We just need the right shoe.

What? No, no, no, it's perfectly simple,

we just want to buy one shoe,

we just want the right shoe.

You can't buy one shoe.

Yeah, no, we'll...we'll take the pair.

But we don't want the pair! We don't sell shoes in odd numbers.

You...you were like this the last time.

You were like this the last time!

Right, OK, OK. Let's just keep it light.

Er, we will just take the right shoe and we'll be on our way, and...

SHE WHISPERS

Fine.

See you at my next place of work, no doubt.

I'll start applying for funeral homes.

I heard that.

I don't know why I had to get so dressed up.

It's a special occasion. Hardly.

What, to go to a pub I've been going to since I was 16?

Oh, that's the spirit.

Why have we stopped?

Er, just hang there a second.

Eh?

Stay here just a moment,

I need to check something before we go in.

All right, so we're both going to go in here

and then we've got to check something?

Not even close.

You wait here, as in here,

and I'll be back in a second.

OK, I'm with you now.

In what way is that you staying here?!

I go in and then I come back for you.

Do you understand? Crystal clear.

Great.

I don't understand why you're still moving!

Shall we just go in?

Why not?

He's just coming in now, because of course he is.

ALL: SURPRISE!

Jeez, the place is heaving.

Here's a table here, I'll grab it.

Pint of heavy for me.

Guess we just try it again?

ALL: SURPRISE!

Eh?

Ah. Pint of heavy and a pint of lager, please, Ian.

Coming up.

Go on, one more!

..Foot on the dance floor!

Sorry, Rod, can I just borrow my dad for a sec? Righto.

What's going on? Look who it is.

Ken! Oh! Brian!

Good to see you, Ken.

And I brought someone along with me.

Oi, oi!

Ha-ha! HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

You're not wrong there!

You can hear him, but you can't hear me?

Eh? Go and get a drink.

Yes, aye. Come on, I'll buy you a...

What are we having, Brians?

Best birthday crew, isn't it?

Oh, jeez!

KEN AND BRIANS LAUGH

Hey!

Hey, Dave. Nice to meet you.

What? How did you know my name was Dave?

It's on your shirt, Dave, remember?

Oh-ho, ho-ho!

Can I get you a drink? Double, please.

Double... Alcohol.

Yeah, I think they have some of that.

So, what do you do, Dave?

Don't ask him that. Glad you asked me that, Richard.

I'm actually moving into vlogging.

Vlogs? They still a thing, are they?

Just a bit! What do you vlog about?

I like to keep it varied, you know?

So, wellness, fitness,

food, 9/11, that kind of thing.

That's quite the smorgasbord.

Yeah, Dave's a very positive person.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah, at dinner he said that he started a Mexican wave

on Centre Court at Wimbledon. Ha-ha!

I've always wondered what type of person does that.

Me! Him. Yeah! Ha-ha!

Murray was playing, he was two sets down,

and I just thought, "We've got to get behind this guy," you know?

Did it help? No, his hip flared up.

Oh, that is a shame.

OK, see you at the bar.

Kenny boy. Aw, Rod!

Oh, what have we got here?

Oh, a crossword puzzle book.

How did you know I liked them?

You know fine well how.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Ah, you having a good night?

I am, and you?

Ah, been lovely.

Ken's very lucky to have you.

My son won't even pick up when I call him.

KEN LAUGHING

Enjoying yourself?

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, jings!

Erm, who organised all these people to be here, then?

Me. It was me.

Oh, it was you? Oh, I see. Gents, what can I get for you?

Er, two heavies, please, Ian.

Lager.

Everyone's really pleased that you're OK, Dad.

You're not on your own here, you know?

Aye, well, I mean, I know that, I know that.

Well, it's because you're here.

Yeah, but...

..that's, that's what I'm kind of saying, is that...

..one day, I'm...

Oh! Yeah, you're right.

I'll be here.

Gentlemen, there we are.

To your good health, Dad.

Cheers, son.

I've actually been thinking...

that, er...

..I thought we could maybe...

..maybe spend a day tomorrow, hmm?

What have you got in mind?

Well, I think maybe it's time to give your mother...

..a proper send-off.

The ashes?

Yeah, I think, er...

..I think she'd like that.

Right.

What happened to the moon?

That John Docherty?

Full of shite.

Ha-ha-ha! Look at him. KEN LAUGHS

Aw!

He's in his element. Mm-hm.

Well done.

A career in party planning awaits.

Ah! Ha!

Thank you!

SHE SIGHS

Another drink?

You're caning it a bit, aren't you?

I just went on a date, Richard,

with the founder and sole member

of the Forres Flat Earth Society.

RICHARD LAUGHS

Oh, no second date, I'm guessing, then?

Hmm...

What I'd really like is a...

..first date.

Hello, you pair.

Same again? Oh, hold on!

I've got your present here.

Oh, no!

Oh, Ems.

What will this be?

Oh, nice paper... Oh, no!

I don't believe it!

Ah, well, it couldn't hurt to have another spare.

Oh, that's really good.

Thank you. Yeah, I don't get it.

Hello, everyone. Well, it's that time of the evening

when my darling wife and I...

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Jen, my love, we're doing the thing now.

A life sentence for every victim!

Headphones, love.

As I was saying, it's that time of the evening

where we give you a little song.

Now, where is the birthday boy?

Over here! Come on, up you come. Ah, no, no.

Oh, come on! Go on! Dad!

You know you want to, come on.

Go on! Ah! Here he is.

I know you know this one, Ken,

but I want to hear everyone.

Oh, jings.

This is my Jean's favourite.

# Oh, the summertime is coming

# And the leaves Are sweetly blooming

# And the wild mountain thyme

# Grows among the blooming heather

ALL: # Will you go, lassie, go?

# And we'll all go together

# Take what wild mountain thyme

# All among the blooming heather

# Will you go, lassie, go?

# Will you go, lassie, go?

# And we'll all go together... # MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

# ..Take what wild mountain Thyme... #

Two seconds.

# All among the blooming Heather... #

ON PHONE: Hello, Richard! Sally, hello? Can you hear me?

Hello, Sally, can you hear me? Can you hear me?

I said, you've got the part.

You're not serious? Yeah, yeah, no, really, I tripled checked

and everything. I was like, "Oh! Actually, you're sure you want him?"

You didn't, did you? So we need to get you to Norway tomorrow,

and then you start shooting the day after next.

Wait, Norway? You never mentioned Norway.

No, I told you that, didn't I? No? Yes, I definitely did.

You definitely didn't. Well, I did, but there you go.

Anyway, it's a six-month shoot for the first series.

First series? What, there's already more?

Yes, oh, yeah, they've commissioned all seven books to be made.

You'll be fine. I mean, Scotland is just next door to Norway,

isn't it, hmm? Not really.

You coming back in?

Yeah. Great. Right, be in touch in the morning with the details.

Who's that? No-one.

Right, well, they've started the karaoke

and I said you and I would do a wee duet.

MUSIC PLAYS IN PUB Renee and Renato, Save Your Love?

I'm not singing that with you.

Why not?

Come on, it's a party.

Come on, get into it!

Oh, Dad!

MUSIC: Save Your Love by Renee and Renato

# Save your love, my darling

# Save your love... # That's it. Come on, give it plenty.

# For summer nights with moon And stars above

# A serenade I long to sing you... # Come on, you're an actor,

for goodness' sake!

Just you sing this bit!

# ..For Roma and for me! Sing to me! #

And right here!

# Even though it's been so Very long... #

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0