Original subtitles

DAD HUMS Oh!

ENGAGED TONE How?!

How is that possible?! Eh?

I can't get through to the doctor's.

Ha, I have already told you,

there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

It's Richard Pritchard

calling on behalf of Ken Pritchard.

I do not consent.

Ignore that. Where's my black pudding gone?

Yeah, no, no, sorry, I'm still here,

I was just wondering if Dr Roach had any emergency appointments today?

I don't suppose you'd know the whereabouts

of my black pudding, would you? I binned it.

It'd been in there for ages.

Yeah, no, sorry, I'm here, I'm here. Erm...

Yeah, well, he was in pain through the night

and I'd just like a doctor to look over him.

Dad, it was the outside bin.

No, you're not seriously...

Sorry, no, I am still here.

How much of an emergency out of ten?

And that's a medically recognised scale, is it?

It might be in here...

Hey, hey, hey!

Ho-ho! I'm going to say ten.

Oh, look.

And action.

Oh, a film crew.

Oh, here, why don't you pop over there

and ask them for a job?

Ask them for a job? Aye.

You really don't have a clue, do you?

It's probably some documentary or something.

Is that not that Lydia Bartlett there?

Dad, Lydia Bartlett is not in Forres.

What is Lydia Bartlett doing in Forres?

She's actually a really good actress, her.

Dad, she is a great actor.

Hmm, well...

..I like her films anyway.

Well, you've clearly never seen any of her theatre work.

She's one of the main reasons I became an actor.

Oh, is that a fact? Oh.

Are you coming in here, or what?

I mean, you're the one that dragged me here in the first place.

Yeah, all right, Dad.

Charlie?

Charlie? Ha, I thought it was you.

Is that the piles back again, are they?

Aye, they must be. Poor sod, he can't even sit down.

Yeah, the poor sod's got to put up with you shouting out

his medical conditions to the whole waiting room.

Shouting them out?

Listen, we've all got something wrong with us

if we're in here, haven't we?

Apart from me, that is. You're fine, are you?

I am indeed. I hear you farting when you get up for a pee

in the middle of the night.

It's like someone standing on a bag of ducks.

It's not normal.

Oh, well, thank you very much for blurting that out.

Ken? Would you like to come through?

Oh.

Well, he's had this pain in his jaw for the last week,

and now it's gone into his shoulder.

So, you've come to the professional, hmm?

All right, Ken, if you just unbutton your shirt a little for me there.

Right.

See, that way I can place the stethoscope

directly against the skin,

not just through the clothes like you do on Detective Manners.

Oh, do I? It's just common sense, really,

cos the clothes would block the sound, so...

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise, I just do what the script tells me.

Oh, what the script tells you?

I see.

OK, we will take your blood pressure next.

Eh? Pop your sleeve all the way up for me there.

Yep. There you are.

Do you see where I'm placing this?

Erm, yep. Directly in line with the heart.

This position will yield the most accurate results.

I have witnessed your character taking people's blood pressures

on occasion whilst the patient has been lying on their side,

and I'm sorry, but we just wouldn't do that.

Yeah, but it's just... We wouldn't do that, though.

But it was a TV show,

and I was just doing what the script told me...

The script told you. Sure.

Let me ask you, if the script told you to jump off a bridge,

would you do it? Well, if my character had to jump off a bridge.

Right, well, another thing that you do wrong is you never use

a defibrillator on a patient whose heart has already stopped.

I feel like I really shouldn't have to say this,

but I am not a real doctor.

Well, I was very convincing in our local am-dram's production of Cats.

I'm not a cat.

Actually, we're doing Seven Brides For Seven Brothers next.

Our group is on the lookout for some new male members,

if you would be interested.

Are you OK? You look ill. BEEPING

Oh.

OK, that is a little higher than I'd like.

So, are you going to be doing that other thing, the other test?

Hmm? You know, the one that's...

Hoo-hoo! Ha.

You know, the... Ooh!

Dad, some words might help.

Well, you know, the... You know the...

Hmm. Oh.

Ooh, ooh. I-I think he means the rectal exam,

or at least I hope he does.

I do, aye. Not today, Ken.

What exactly do you mean by today?

What I am going to do is send you home with a stress monitor

for a few days so we can keep an eye on things.

But how is everything else? How are we mentally?

Mentally? Well, well, just...

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P,

Q, U... T, V, W, X, Y, Z.

The alphabet?

I'm not sure that proves anything.

It proves he doesn't know it.

Hi, it's Richard Pritchard for Sally Monteith.

Well, she can't keep ignoring my calls.

Who's she in a meeting with now?

Adam Woodyatt?

What, I'm lower in the pecking order than Ian Beale now?

Oh, can you just tell her I'm on the line, then she might take the call?

Right, there's no need to laugh!

HE SIGHS

Dad! What, did you not want a cup of tea?

Oh, my phone! Oh, perfect!

What if my agent calls back?

I was going to ask her to find out about the Lydia Bartlett project

and see if she could get me onto it. So, you didn't want a cup of tea?

It's not about the tea, you've broken my phone!

Would you like a little go of my stress monitor?

Because I'll tell you what, it's driving me up the wall!

Right, just stop pulling at the wires, you're going to break it.

Ooh! Argh!

BEEP Oh! Is that the...?

That's your fault! My fault?! BEEP

Right, what do we do if it keeps...? BEEP

It doesn't like your voice!

Oh! Oh, wow, that is priceless.

What, I stress YOU out? REPEATED BEEPS

Right, I'm calling Dr Roach.

Argh!

Where's the house phone? RAPID BEEPING

Right, just, er...

Just stay calm. Where's the house phone?!

HORN TOOTS

That's the taxi here, Dad, for the hospital.

Just stay calm.

DR ROACH: That's exactly what Dr Sparrow would say on your show,

and as usual, it's wrong. HORN TOOTS

Don't give instructions on how Ken should feel,

just ask what you can do to help.

No! Put it back.

HORN TOOTS Yeah, all right, mate!

If you can't keep calm, then how do you expect your dad to?

Yeah, all right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Are you winding me up?! We're going to the hospital, not the seaside!

Yeah, but you don't know how long

we're going to be waiting around for. Would you please...?

HORN TOOTS Nice and calm.

Put the bat and balls down.

Richard, put me on speakerphone. BEEP

Everything is going to be OK, Ken.

This is just a precaution, that's all.

Now, I need you to get into the taxi with Richard,

and if he has any medical suggestions for you on the way

to completely ignore them.

Thank you, doctor. BEEP

Come on, Dad, it's going to be fine.

HORN TOOTS Why are you still beeping?!

Me or the taxi?

I could sue this chicken under the Trade Descriptions Act.

Then don't eat it.

RICHIE CHUCKLES

DAD CHUCKLES

What's so funny?

Oh, it's just this article, it's Marina Hyde.

Is she a comedian, is she? No, journalist.

Read it out, then, I love a good joke.

It's not really a joke, it's more a pithy observation.

I like them too.

OK, the article is about the decline in manufacturing,

but she says that's not true, because the political parties

in this country are the best in the world for manufacturing outrage.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well. Ah.

Have another wee go at this chicken, where we were.

Oh.

Ah! Oh, here, did I tell you?

Kathleen Rutherford's son had a wee girl.

She's called Pippa. They're going to call her Pippa.

8lb, 11oz. 8lb, 11oz.

Thick black mop of hair.

With a head of hair, thick black mop.

Do you see the point I'm trying to make here?

Ah, I've told you that already, have I?

You chain tell it.

You barely put out the last one.

Remind me about this EBCGD thing.

ECG.

That's the one, what is it?

ECG, what is it?

"An electrical cardiogram is a simple noninvasive test

"that records the electrical activity of your heart."

And why are they looking at my heart for?

Well, they're looking at everything, aren't they? I hope not.

Dad, you're not going to get a rectal exam,

at least I don't think you are.

Oh, thank you very much for that.

I'm not pushing for it!

Oh, is that better? Is that better?

Is that better? There we go. Anything else you want?

Hi, Emily, how you doing? You all right?

Because, yeah, I mean he, like... You know, he...

I think he's fine, and then you'll probably, you know...

But, I mean, I'm fine, so...

Do you want me to take you down to the stroke unit while I'm here?

This seems to happen quite a lot.

Yeah! Yeah, sorry, erm...

It does. It's funny, actually, cos normally I wouldn't...

You know, it's not something I often...

Erm... But, yeah, so don't...

I-I don't know why I'm doing it again.

Oh, my God, it's true, they're letting just about anyone

in here these days.

Who do I complain to? I've been in here for an hour and a half

and I haven't had a cup of tea yet. Dad, that's not her job.

Oh, Emily knows I'm only joking.

Here, would you like a wee go at my chicken,

I've only had a couple of bites.

She doesn't want your leftovers.

I know they don't pay you nurses nearly enough.

Dad! It's fine, I'll join you.

Milk and two, right, Mr Pritch?

Thank you, my darling.

Anything for you? No, I'm fine, thanks.

You are a useless lump.

What do you mean? Allow me to give you a wee bit of fatherly advice.

If you let her slip through your fingers,

you're a bigger dafty than I thought.

She is a lovely looking girl,

and you look like you won your face on a scratch card.

What are you saying, that...?

Should I go and help her? By Jove, I think he's got it.

Scratch card? Just go!

I'm really sorry to bother you, but would you mind if I got a photo?

Er, no, fine. Yeah.

Thank you so much. My pleasure.

My gran really fancies you, so this is going to make her day.

Ah.

I really wish that hadn't happened.

Oh, I'm really glad it did. Mm.

Does that happen a lot? Mainly in Forres.

But we're in Elgin.

Oh, my God, you've gone international now. Ah.

Would you ever ask an actor for a photo?

You know, if it was...Tom Cruise?

If Tom Cruise was in Forres?

Right. Yeah, it could happen.

Er, nah.

I don't think I'd ask any actor I really admired for a photo,

it's admitting you'll never be good enough to work with them.

Just like a member of the public.

Oh, God, yeah. Can you imagine?

Scum, aren't they?

What are you up to tonight? Nothing.

Just... Well, erm...

Basically just be chilling.

OK, great. Erm, don't judge, but I joined the local am-dram group

last year, and I'd really love it if you came tonight.

Thanks, but Seven Brides For Seven Brothers

is really not my type of thing.

Yeah, no, I'm not asking you to audition, you muppet.

No, we had this amazing guest speaker lined up,

everyone was really buzzing.

It was Lydia Bartlett.

Lydia Bartlett? Mm-hm.

In the same room as Forres Fespians?

Yeah. Well, she's up here filming Who Do You Think You Are?

Oh, that's what she's doing. Mm-hm.

If she's got roots here, I'm screwed.

What, because you won't be the most famous person

in the village any more? No.

Yes.

It's all I've got! Mm.

Well, anyway, she's just pulled out, everyone's really bummed,

so I was thinking maybe you could step in.

Erm...

You've always said amateur dramatics is beneath you.

No, I haven't. I mean, it is, but it'd be different this time.

I'd be there as a...

..as an expert.

Yeah, I'd be imparting wisdom.

Maybe you could teach them all how to drink their tea

without making too much noise too.

Oh, come on, Dad! I need this.

I need to feel like an actor again.

I need to feel like I'm ...

Better than everybody else? Exactly.

What? No.

So, basically, Richard what you're asking is

if it's OK to leave me, your poor old dad,

lying here all alone in this hospital bed

while you pop off and have your ego stroked?

That's basically it, yeah.

Go on, away you go. Oh, you sure?

I mean, you'll probably be home by the time I'm done anyway.

I've already said yes.

OK, thank you.

Still yes.

Hi.

Hello. Have you come for the talk?

Er, yeah. Richard Pritchard.

Ken's son? Yes.

But also...the actor.

But Ken's son?

Yes, but I'm also... Oh, haven't seen you since you were yea high.

Is there maybe a green room or a backstage area

I could chill out for a bit?

I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep my appearance under wraps.

Well, erm...

..there's the kitchenette.

Yeah, it's fine, I'll probably just greet people as they come in.

Oh.

DOOR OPENS

Hi, there, hi. If you wouldn't mind just filling up from the front,

that would be...that'd be amazing.

You know, just to save the old voice.

Hi, Richard. Hi. Hi, Richard.

Hi. John, nice to meet you. Richard.

Oh, don't worry, I've got one for you. Hi, Richard.

Oh, such a pleasure to be here.

Erm...

Hello, everyone!

I think that's everyone.

Oh, here's Emily.

Come in, dear.

I was just about to do the introduction.

Welcome, all.

Er... Welcome.

As we all know, occasionally we get very lucky with our timing

and happen to have a meeting when an actor of incredible calibre

is in town, and tonight is one of those lucky nights.

We are huge fans of this person's work.

Thank you, thank you.

That's so kind, and it's such a pleasure to be here,

but honestly, I do get a bit embarrassed

when people are gushing on, so I'm happy to take it from here.

But... So, what I was thinking,

I might start off by saying a few words

and then just open it up to questions.

Er, erm...

What is an actor?

I am, I'm an actor.

Erm, but...

..I wasn't always.

Before, I was just like you...

Er, you're still here.

Just to finish my speech, if I could!

OK, OK, yeah, no, of course.

I'll try not to blush too much this time.

Yes.

So, where was I?

Oh, yes. We are such a huge fan of this person's work...

Again, thank you. ..and I think we were all devastated

when we thought that she could no longer be with us,

but she has graciously changed her plans to be here tonight.

Please welcome to the stage...

Lydia Bartlett!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Mwah. Lovely.

Good luck... Er, break a leg. Richard.

Hello, Forres. SHE CHUCKLES

How lovely to be here with you all tonight.

So, the thing about improvisation...

..is you should never fear it.

If you fully and truly inhabit your character,

if you think like them, then you will act like then.

I always think you should know what your character had for breakfast.

You see, I don't agree with that. No, me neither.

Right, well, let's give it a go, shall we?

Can I have a volunteer from the floor?

Over here. Oh. Over here! Not her.

Pick me, pick me! Yes, er, Richard, was it?

Pritchard. Pritchard? Pritchard, yes, come on up.

I actually have an unfair advantage, I'm a professional actor.

Oh, well, I'll...I'll pick somebody else, then.

No, no, no, no, I don't mind if they don't mind. Do you guys mind?

They don't mind.

Great. Well, as you're a professional,

we'll take off the stabilisers! Ha-ha!

Come on up.

You've trained in improvisation, have you?

No, but, erm...

..I did a great ad-lib on an episode of Detective Manners,

a show I was in. Erm... No, I don't know it.

Er, well, they...they cut it.

Erm, in fact, they cut the whole scene, actually.

Medically speaking, they should cut them all.

Don't listen to her.

OK, then. Well, we'll play to your strengths. Nice and easy.

Yeah. You play the doctor, I'm the patient,

and remember to inhabit the character.

Yes, doctor.

Erm... Oh, no, I'm the doctor.

Yeah, you're the doctor, I'm the patient. Mm.

Do you need me to go over it one more time? No, no, I'm fine.

Right, well, into character,

and then, in your own time.

TOGETHER: What seems to be the problem? I need to see a doctor

right now. I'm so sorry, that's my bad,

cos I think maybe you should have clarified

who's going to speak first. Do you want to start?

No, no, it doesn't matter.

You just go with it.

In real life, people speak over each other all the time.

Yeah, sorry. It's OK.

Don't worry about it. You're a pro, you've got this.

I'm just a bit nervous, you're Lydia Bartlett.

Yes, I know I am.

Right, let's try again.

I'm... Actually, can I...can I not be the doctor?

It's just that I've played a doctor for the last ten years.

Terribly. Will you stop?!

It'd just be nice to try something different, you know?

Not get type cast. What would you suggest?

Oh, I can do anything, you know? I could go, like, super dark,

like I'm a pimp and you're a prostitute.

Why would you do that? You're a national treasure.

Erm, I don't know, maybe, erm...

..you're a drug dealer and I'm a cop?

Great, let's do that. Great.

So, into character, and then, in your own time.

What kind of drugs?

We'll discover that during the scene. Hmm.

Good luck. I'm fine.

Do you want to start? It doesn't matter, OK?

Yeah, OK. Here we go.

Here it comes.

Right, I'll get it this...

Oi! You're getting arrested for dealing drugs.

Drugs? No, officer...

..this is just a normal bakery.

You can...you can take it anywhere.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Just in my mind, we're on a street corner.

Why? Because I'm undercover and you've sold me drugs.

Well, don't tell me that.

No, no, but in the end...

Look, well, we don't know what the end is, this is improv.

Let's just...just go back into it.

OK, I'll cut you the same deal as I made for Chief Inspector Daniels.

His price was 10%,

but you, you look more like a 2% kind of guy.

We got a deal?

HE SIGHS

Er...

Anything?

Er...

Mm-hm.

OK, erm...

Big fat round of applause, everyone, for Pritchard.

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

You...you can go and sit down now.

You all right?

I've been better.

At least she'll always remember the time she met Richard Pritchard.

Yeah, so she got back in touch to say that she could make it

after all. Mm.

I mean, I did try to call you. I must have left you 100 messages.

Yeah, my phone's broken.

Oh!

Never meet your heroes, eh?

I'm sorry.

Oh, come on, how about I buy you a pint?

I don't think I'd be much company tonight.

Oh, nice to meet you, Richard.

Oh, I'm sorry I called you a prostitute.

Oh, ha-ha. I've had worse!

Can I ask you a quick question?

Yeah, but... You're here doing Who Do You Think You Are?

Are you from Forres?

No, no, as it turns out, there are no blood ties here.

Oh, thank God. Phew.

Not that we wouldn't want you.

Erm, do you mind if we get a quick photo?

Well, actually, I-I am in a bit of a rush now.

Oh.

OK, yep, sure.

Do you mind taking it? Are you sure? Yeah.

Here. OK? Yep. SHUTTER SNAPS

Thank you, my dad is such a big fan.

Your dad, but not you? No, no, no, no, I am too,

it's just that he's in...

..hospital.

Er, hate to kick a man when he's down,

but your eyes are closed in this one. Oh, ah.

Of course they are.

Oh, sorry I took so long.

Ah, yeah, yeah, how was it?

It was the single worst experience of my life.

Well, as long as you had fun, son.

DAD CHUCKLES

Everything OK? Well, ha...

Apparently, I had a wee bit of a heart attack the other night.

What? Aye, apparently that was the pain in my shoulder and my jaw.

So the EPD... ECG.

Aye, exactly. Well, it wasn't great,

so they took me down and they've X-rayed me,

and apparently I've got four blocked arteries!

How many are you supposed to have, do you know?

Erm, no blocked arteries at all, I'm guessing?

Aye, well, that kind of makes sense.

So what's next?

Well, they're going to keep me in overnight,

and tomorrow they're going to give me a heart bypass.

What?! No, you're not...

Aye, aye, it's fine, it's fine. I spoke to the chap,

the doctor who's going to do it, he says he does it all the time,

he says...he says, "I could do it with my eyes closed."

Oh, he said that?

No, he didn't say that,

but I was kind of reading between the lines, you know?

DAD SNIFFLES

Anyway...

..will you nip out and get me some crisps or something?

Because, well, the buggers want me to fast from midnight.

I'll get you a banana.

Ah.

OK, a banana.

Richard?

Am I going to be OK?

Yeah...

..of course you are.

I'll be right back, OK?

Aye, OK.

BEEPING

Did I tell you...

..Kathleen Rutherford's son had a wee girl?

No, you didn't.

They're going to call her Pippa. Ha!

8lb 11oz.

And what a head of hair...

Actually, you did tell me.

Oh.

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