Original subtitles

REMOTE BEEPS, WHIRRING

PHONE RINGS

Sally, hi. OK, they can squeeze you in for a Zoom audition at 5:30.

And I'm playing the part of a goblin?

Yes. No, hold on, they've specified troll.

What's the difference? Well, trolls are bigger,

more horrible looking and stupid.

Right, you've made your point. Pep talk done.

OK, Richard, I'm going to end this call now, because I want to.

OK, thanks, bye.

REMOTE BEEPS

Oh, for the love of God!

Richard!

REMOTE BEEPS

Richard!

Richard!

Ah.

You appear to have turned yourself into a capital V again.

Would you like some help with that?

Yes, please, if you wouldn't mind.

REMOTE BEEPS

This is going to happen every day. Let's just book a flight

to Switzerland now!

Well, let's have breakfast first,

and then we can look into how much tickets cost.

Oh!

That is cold.

Yeah, because it's currently defrosting.

Oh. So, what about this one?

Tell me what this one does.

That's for the TV. No.

That's for the TV. Mm.

That's sorted.

What about this one?

What does that one do?

I don't know.

That's why I'm asking you.

Could be, er, hi-fi?

No, no.

We've done the hi-fi already.

Then why are you asking me?

Because I'm talking about this one.

What does that one do?

I don't know. Could be any number of things, couldn't it?

What do you think's happening here? It's stumped you as well, has it?

Just nipping out for a walk, Dad.

Who? What?

Eh?

Good chat. Er, call if you need anything.

Uh-huh.

Are you OK there, staring at the wall?

Yes, yes, yes.

You don't want the TV on, or...?

No, no, no.

So you're just going to sit there like there's been a gas leak?

I worked all my life to be able to sit here

as if there's been a gas leak.

Maybe...

..you should think about getting out the house a bit more.

You know, reconnect with the community, old friends.

You'd be happier.

I'd be happier. Why are you not happy?

We're talking about you here.

And that makes you unhappy? Well, right now, yes.

You can't let the rest of your life just pass you by.

You're still young. I'm 74!

Aye, but you're not 94.

All I'm saying is there must be something else you could do

with your day.

I mean, there's a whole wide...

..Forres out there.

Well, I could maybe...

Actually, forget it. No, no, no. Go on, then.

I'll take you anywhere, Dad.

Well, there is a thing on up the golf club today.

I'm not taking you there.

Why not? Because it's full of snobs.

You know they only let women play on a Monday?

Not any more. Oh, have they taken that day off them as well,

have they? Oh!

See, your mother and I used to quite like going up the golf club.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'll just sit here.

That's what I was going to do anyway, isn't it?

Right, all right.

If that's where you want to go, I'll drive you.

Really?

OK, I've just got to make a quick wee phone call.

Oh, for heaven's sake, you took that corner a wee bit fast.

This is a hire car. You want to watch.

I know it is. I hired it.

You don't want to lose your deposit.

You can't park here!

What? Why? Because this is Crawford's space.

He doesn't like people parking in his space.

Crawford Montgomery. Why has that twat got his own space?

I think you mean twit. No, I mean twat.

He's the club chairman, Richard.

I suppose that job chooses you with a name like Crawford.

Eh? I'm not moving the car.

But what did you say before that? Och, it doesn't matter.

I was just saying... Eh? Can I say it once

before you ask me to repeat it? I don't actually know

what you're saying. I'm not saying anything!

Eh? HORN BLARES

That's somebody tooting you now.

Look, just try and have fun today, right?

I'll pick you up later.

CAR APPROACHES Are you not coming in with me?

Oh, look.

That's Crawford now.

Hello there, Crawford.

I'm sorry about this.

Classic Kenneth.

That's all right. I think the BMW will be fine here for today.

I see you're driving the Sportage.

I've just upgraded from that.

Yes, my son's actually just hired it.

Oh, yes, the pretend doctor.

I don't think we've any dead bodies for you to examine today.

Yeah? Give it time.

Any exciting roles on the horizon?

Yes, he's actually up for the part of a troll.

Don't tell him that!

You know, I can't help but notice your shoes there, Kenneth.

They're a bit mud covered, are they not?

You know what the club handbook says about that?

Page seven, section four.

I'm sorry about that, Crawford.

A golfer must be impeccably turned out at all times.

I live my life by three tenets -

unwrinkled collar shirt, creased trousers and shined shoes,

and it's never let me down yet.

Now, you remember where the hose is.

Yes. Of course you do.

You're the only one that ever needs to use it.

We call it Kenneth.

Definitely not a twit.

LAUGHTER

Actually, I will come in with you,

just to get you settled. Great.

You get my clubs and I'll go and clean my shoes.

LAUGHTER

There we are, that's me.

All done. Oh!

DAD SIGHS

Are you all right?

Your mother used to be the social one, you know?

I don't actually know what to say to these people without her.

I mean, the place is full of sort of lawyers and bankers

and high-ups,

and what am I, hey? I'm just a train conductor.

You're not JUST a train conductor.

You've as much right to be in there as they do.

Right? Come on.

OK.

Welcome to hell.

INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Jesus, it's like a Rupert The Bear convention.

BAR FALLS SILENT

PEOPLE WHISPERING

What's going on?

I have no idea.

Gentleman, you are disrespecting the club crest!

Why's it on the floor, then?

Sorry about that, Crawford.

Stop apologising to him.

Jeez, this place, man.

See anyone you know?

Oh, Roger, how's it...?

Oh, there's Simon. Simon, I haven't seen you in...

..ages.

Must be hard of hearing.

Eh?

Dr Sparrow!

Jen, Ian, what are you doing here?

Well, you know Winnie Haverson?

Aye, caterer Winnie? Caterer Winnie, aye.

Well, she was meant to be doing this tournament,

but her dog died last night.

Isn't it marvellous, Richard?

We've been looking for a way into the catering game in this town

for years, and here we are.

We didn't kill the dog.

No! Although I suppose if we did, that's exactly what we'd say.

THEY LAUGH Yeah, but we didn't.

Ah, very aware it's sounding like we did kill the dog.

You're picking up on that as well, are you?

Hold on, did you say tournament?

CRAWFORD: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Green Firs Golf Club,

and to the annual Club Husband and Wife Tournament.

APPLAUSE

I know what you're going to say,

but I need a wife to play in the tournament,

and don't worry, I've made a phone call,

it's all above board, and you're one of the wives.

You're just a caddy. I mean, you don't even have to play.

I am not walking about this golf course pretending to be my mum!

I'm not asking you to put on one of her dresses and wear make-up,

unless you want to do that,

because, might I remind you, this was all your idea.

In what world was this my idea?

I was quite happy sitting on the couch.

You were the one that says, "Come on,

"you'd better get back into the community."

Aye, but I didn't mean with me.

I've got an audition.

We'll be done by then.

OK, well, all that remains is the traditional photograph

of our lovely, lovely caddies.

So if you'd all like to gather yourselves at the front here,

ladies, we'll get that taken.

Aw, that's lovely, isn't it, eh?

On you go.

What?

You're a wife.

On you go. You've got to be out of your mind.

Is that everyone? No, got a straggler here, Crawford.

Dad! Oh, yes.

Our honorary wife for the day.

You'll recognise him of course as Dr Sparrow from Detective Manners.

CROWD: Ooh!

Yes, it's Forres's own Richard Pritchard.

I... Actually, I need to speak to my agent

about image rights before you take the photo.

Oh, methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Don't be shy...madam.

That's it.

OK, everyone, to me.

Right, how about a little fun one now,

to show that we here at Green Firs aren't afraid

to kick up one's heels? I know!

# All the single ladies

# All the single ladies All the single ladies

# All the single ladies... # That's it.

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh... #

Shake your booty.

# If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it... #

The dancing doctor. # ..a ring on it

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... #

Put a ring on it, Richard.

# If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it... #

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Your mother always wanted her name up there.

I wish I could have won it for her.

Was that a flying pig that just went by, Kenneth?

Was that a woman in the gentlemen's bar, Crawford, there?

Where?

Kenny boy. Hello there, Rod.

Admiring the wall of glory, were we?

Just the 18 consecutive tournament wins.

One more and I finally beat old Mr and Mrs Ducky Willow's record,

and go down in club history.

You'll remember Elaine? Say hello, darling.

Stop telling me what to do. Righto.

Don't even see why I have to be here.

Well, you know why.

Remind me, are you wife number four or five?

I'll let Rod answer that.

Elaine is my fifth wife.

Sixth! Sixth, I meant sixth!

Bugger! And that is the main reason he's now looking for

wife number seven.

Elaine agreed to play with me today

as long as I give up the villa in Torremolinos

as part of the divorce settlement.

Club treasurer.

Club chairman.

I thought you gents might like to know that you'll be facing off

against each other. Fantastic.

May the best neighbour win.

Club treasurer.

Club chairman.

That man knows exactly how to push my buttons.

It should be me that's club chairman here.

I mean, be honest, he's ruined this place, huh?

Do you know, it was Crawford who decided

to allow women to join this club?

Just the six failed marriages, is it, Rod?

Hey! You know you're not allowed pastry.

Oh, back for more, Maurice?

Actually just need to pop to the loo, Ian.

Oh. Number one or number two?

Well, the latter.

Oh, well, don't let us delay you a moment longer.

We were just reading about the dangers of holding in

a number two in bed the other night, weren't we, love?

Very, very frightening.

It can lead to faecal incontinence.

GURGLING Faecal incontinence, Maurice.

Imagine such a thing.

Now, are you sure you won't have a salmon puff for the journey?

HE WHIMPERS, STOMACH GURGLES

WOMAN: Oh, no! GURGLING

Who's your food supplier?

Well, since the gig was so last minute,

we just used up what was left in the freezer.

Most of it was from 2017,

or was it 2007?

It was hard to tell, because some of the numbers had rubbed away.

Yeah, yeah. We've got one of those great big chest freezers, you know?

Huge, it is. I'm always saying to Jen, we could fit a body in it.

Yeah! Or a dog!

Oh, you!

We didn't kill the dog.

PHONE VIBRATES Oh, excuse me, right.

Oh, that's my agent. I's better take that.

Sally... Ah!

Hi.

Who is this?

Richard. Hmm?

Pritchard. You called me.

Yes. Yes! Oh, yes.

The audition. Yes, sorry, you didn't get it.

I haven't auditioned yet.

Ah... Oh, of course, yes.

Well, I'll call tomorrow to say that.

Well, don't say that. I might get the part.

Oh, wow. Yes, well, I never thought of that!

Great, but you are going to send the link, though, yeah?

Yep, yep. Well, never mind. Chin up, Richard.

I haven't auditioned yet!

LINE BEEPS Hello?

We're up next, Kenny boy.

Oh, yes. Canape, Rod?

I won't, Ian.

I'm currently mid-intermittent fast.

SHE LAUGHS

That's very good!

Oh, there's one going spare.

Are you winding me up? Oh!

Match two, Strang versus Pritchard.

Your bag's on the tee box, Ken.

DAD CHUCKLES

"Your bag's on the tee box" to you, too.

You'll need to move it, caddy.

It damages the turf.

Or we could agree that we're only on this planet

for a short amount of time and have a more devil-may-care attitude

towards the tee box.

OK, it was a long shot. Right.

You're still on the tee box. What is a tee box?

Oh.

GOLF CLUB SWINGS, CROWD GROANS

There, now we can proceed.

I'm in the rough.

Right, well, onwards.

Hey, where are you going? The flag's that way.

My ball's this way.

Oh, of course it is.

Two minutes down, Ken.

So that means you have one minute

before you have to declare your ball is lost.

Yeah, we remember from you telling us literally a minute ago, Rod.

Just keeping you right.

Right, what do you want to do? They should just make golf balls bigger.

But then they wouldn't fit in the hole.

Why am I getting involved? Here, quickly goggle...

Google. That's it!

"How to find a golf ball."

Good thinking. But then we should maybe have a backup plan

for when that definitely doesn't work!

ROD SINGS COUNTDOWN THEME

Drop ball it is, Kenny boy.

That's a sand wedge.

I need my putter.

I'll get it, then.

PHONE BEEPS

Seriously?

One day as a dutiful wife,

that's all I'm asking for.

Chirpy, chirpy, cheep, cheep!

Oh-ho!

Do I hear the sound of a birdie?

First hole to me. So, do you want to concede now or carry on?

Er, I think your wife's leaving you.

Oh, that's a bit much, Dad. Low blow, Kenny boy.

Yeah, she is.

Look.

Elaine, where are you going to?

The divorce just came through, so I'm off to MY villa

in Torremolinos. Have a nice life, or not.

Actually, that one.

Ciao for now.

Elaine!

Elaine! Elaine!

ELAINE!

ELAINE! Hasta la vista!

I won't be back!

Well, then...

..that puts us in a bit of a pickle, doesn't it?

I mean, technically, without a wife, I should forfeit.

One win from the all-time record.

On the upside, we're not too far from the car park.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We'll, er... We'll play on.

What? Why? We've got him beat.

I don't want to win like that.

I can beat him properly, Richard.

I can get our names on that wall.

I don't want my name on that wall. DAD SIGHS

It's not actually your name I'm talking about, son.

Is this about Mum?

So, what's it to be?

OK, then.

Let's do it.

Really? Mm.

You can beat him.

You will beat him.

All right, then.

We'll play on. Marvellous.

My bag's there.

I'm not caddying for you as well.

That's the rules, son.

Well, don't join in with him!

You'll be my sixth wife. Seventh.

Seventh. Dammit!

It's coming!

We're golfing here!

Argh!

Guys... Guys...

Keep up, Dicky boy!

Yes!

Again?!

Get to the bushes! Get to the bushes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Terrible time to lose your ball, Roddy.

Thank you, Richard.

That's one minute down.

Yes, thank you, Richard.

Only two more minutes before you have to declare the ball lost.

Thank you, Richard! I know the rules of golf!

Oh, this is great.

18th hole and you're still in this.

What did you say?

PHONE VIBRATES

Sally, hi. Richard, I have just had a call

from a casting director asking why you are not at an audition!

Oh, erm...I just completely lost track of time!

Oh, so you are still acting? Well, good for you.

Don't let the naysayers win, eh?

Right. Right, good luck with your career.

Where are you going? Ah, coming to help?

Very sporting of you...

Righto.

LINE RINGS

Hi, Fran. I am so sorry I'm late.

It's fine. It's one of those days. Things are a bit, "Ah!"

Yeah. Ah! I've had a similar kind of day, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...

..shall we just do one? Erm, yeah.

Er, I just had a couple of questions about the part.

About the troll with three lines?

Oh! HE LAUGHS

No, no!

Shall we just go for one? Great.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

We... Erm...

Sorry.

We have travelled many miles from Afrakeen.

We want to help with this fight!

These are our mountains!

All right, Richie? Do you want to see a dead squirrel?

Sorry, two seconds. Digsy, what are you doing here?

Selling golf balls. There's loads of them round here, eh?

I'm in the middle of an audition.

So is that a no on the squirrel?

That's a maybe later.

Great. Maybe see you later, then.

Sorry, what's happening here?

Erm, I-I don't know. Erm...

Maurice, are you all right, mate? Ah, hello, Richard.

Yeah, fine.

Oh, all right, Maurice?

Nature calls, eh? Er, Richard...

Dad, can you just stand over there?

Are we playing golf, or what?

Let me get on with this. Maurice, why are you doing that here?

Er, er, well, the toilets in the clubhouse were...

..full! FARTING AND SPLOSHING

From the top?

Anyway, you don't know you haven't got it. Leave it.

I'll just tell them to start writing my name on the wall now,

shall I, Ken? All right, Dad, you're both on for birdies here,

so you've got to sink this, otherwise he's putting for the win.

What?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ducky Willows, who are you?!

Ha-ha!

Unlucky, Kenny boy.

You put up a good fight, but ultimately, not good enough.

Ah, never mind, Dad.

Mum would still be happy and proud...

Well...

..not of everything that's happened today, but still proud.

No, no, no, no, no.

Problem, club chairman?

I'm afraid you haven't won, club treasurer.

No, no. No. You just saw me win.

There are 15 clubs in your bag,

one more than the regulation 14.

Page one, paragraph two of the club handbook.

Impossible.

Elaine.

The final betrayal!

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Strang-Pritchard match,

and the only match that was able to complete

due to an issue with the caterer...

Winnie. Winnie. Winnie Haverson. Winnie Haverson. Yeah.

Winnie!

And so, by default, the winners of the Green Firs

Husband And Wife Tournament by disqualification,

Kenneth Pritchard...

..and his wife...

..Richard.

APPLAUSE

I thank you.

You haven't heard the last of this. That'll be all, club treasurer.

No, but I... That'll be all!

Here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Nice touch.

How did you manage to swing that?

"A tournament winner may choose which name

"shall appear on the winners' board."

Club handbook rule 401,

section 12,

page 33.

Ain't that right, Crawford?

Make sure you put an asterisk next to it, please.

I'm sorry your audition didn't go very well.

I can't help but feel a wee bit responsible.

Yeah, that's because you were.

It's fine, though.

I didn't really fancy playing a troll for the next ten years anyway.

So, what's next?

Bowls club, bridge club,

staring-at-the-wall club?

Ooh, that sounds good.

YELLING AND SMASHING

How do you like this, then, Crawford?!

I told you not to park there.

Argh! Oh!

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