Original subtitles

Agapanthus1234? No?

Erm, Crysanthemum654?

Ah. Right, OK, erm...

..try Azalea981.

They are all plant-based, yeah.

DAD: Suspicious activity? What a load of bloody nonsense!

Well, he read an article saying you should have a different password

for every login.

I'm still hoping to bump into the author of that one.

Locking a pensioner out of his own account!

I mean, they ought to be ashamed of themselves!

Yes, that is him you can hear.

..you could walk into the bank and they would remember who you were...

Oh, your dad's the same age?

Yeah, yeah, it is a difficult age, yeah.

Could we crack on? Now we have to do it all through a bloody screen!

No, it's not that, I do want to hear about your dad,

it's just that I've been on hold for two hours before I got through.

No, please don't cut me off. Erm...

Yep, two seconds, two seconds, I'll just ask him.

Dad, what's the name of your childhood pet?

Eh? Childhood pet, it's your security question.

I didn't have a childhood pet.

Then why is it your security question?

Because, Richard, if I don't know the answer to that question,

no-one else is going to know the answer to that question,

so no-one is going to get into my account.

Including you.

Admittedly, yes.

We don't know.

Yep.

Yeah, yeah, OK, it's kenpritchard11111@googlemail.com.

Yeah, I know.

All lower case.

OK, thanks, could you just stay on the line until that comes through?

Hello?

She's going to send through a verification link to your email.

Oh.

Good. What's the password for your email?

The...?

The password...

..for your email.

HOLD MUSIC PLAYING

AUTOMATED RECORDING: You're through to the Albion Bank,

your wait time is currently estimated at

three hours and 34 minutes... OK, you ready?

Yeah, erm, why are we doing this again?

Clear house, clear mind.

Let's get rid of all the crap around here.

Or as my generation might call it - memories.

I was listening to Radio 4 the other day...

Oh, I might have known Radio bloody 4 was behind this.

..the stats on old people tripping up on useless bits of junk

in their home are frankly terrifying.

The only bit of useless junk that I might trip over in here is you.

What was wrong with staying at Emily's, eh?

I mean, it's lying there empty.

She's trying to sell the place, Dad.

Out-of-work actors drying their socks in the spare room

puts off potential buyers.

Probably heard that on Radio 4 as well, did you?

Uh. Why have you not separated all the "keep" and "dump" stuff

like I asked? I have!

This is what I'm keeping.

But that's all of it. No, no, no, no, no, it's not all of it.

I'm throwing this out. ..please stay on the line...

Actually, do you know what? I'm keeping it.

We're starting again. Oh, no!

Yep.

You're not honestly holding on to Percy?

Yes, I am!

This is Percy's house too.

Delia Smith's Complete Cookery Course.

Yes, I'm working my way through that.

Christmas lights that don't work.

Yes, but they just need fixed.

Jane McDonald wall calendar?

I've no idea how that got in there.

Oh, we can throw that out. No, don't be too hasty.

I'm going to learn that.

I mean, look at you, it's like hoarder's Buckaroo,

one more useless item and you'll tip.

Can you not meet me halfway?

Ah.

What have we got now?

Ah, now...

..I-I didn't buy that because of you.

I'm your only child.

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get that.

Mr Oddjob at your service, where we always say there's no job too odd.

Eh?

Mr Oddjob at your service, where we always say there's no job too odd.

Can you not read the sign?

Er, no, you rang about a job needing done.

Who did? It's Ken Pritchard?

Ah, I'm Ken Pritchard!

Ah, well, there you go, I'm in the right place.

Are you...are you Avril's boy, Lewis?

No, I'm Mr Oddjob. You booked me.

Wait, I'll just give Avril a wee call.

I don't know an Avril.

Ach, you must say, you're the absolute spit of her boy.

Er, what's his name again?

Lewis. So you are him?

No, it's just that's what you said his name was.

Shall we maybe just start again?

Right. What's your name?

I'm sorry about that, son, I remember booking you now,

I just can't remember what for.

Er, don't mention this to my son, eh?

He's always on about me and my memory.

Already forgotten.

What is? What you said.

What did I say?

What I'll do is I'll just take a look around the place

and make a list of anything needing fixed,

hopefully that jogs your memory.

Yes, aye.

You doing a bit of spring cleaning, are you?

My son's idea.

Yeah, I had to clear out my old man's place the other day.

We had to put him in a home.

A nursing home? Well, yeah.

Even though you're nearby?

Dad? This was in the camcorder,

any idea what's on it?

Richard. Richard Pritchard.

Craig.

I thought you were in London now?

Er, yeah, I was, but now I'm back.

Right.

Right.

All right?

Yes, no, all good here.

And, er, what is it you're doing here?

LAUGHING: He was always a joker, this one, eh?!

Are you on in this too?

Can't remember why you booked me?

Classic! I love a prank!

Where are the cameras? .

I didn't even know we'd booked you, so definitely not a prank.

Oh, good, because if it was, I'd just smash the place up,

then I'd have to come back every day to fix it!

HE LAUGHS

I've left my raisins in the van,

so I'm going to go and get them now.

We used to give him raisins at school,

it was the only thing that calmed him down.

You know he got expelled for throwing Mr York in a bin?

Eh? What kind of bin?

I think you're missing the point, Dad, the man's nuts.

I'll tell you what he is, he's �6 an hour, that's what he is.

Exactly, nuts!

Did you see the way he stared at me out there?

I spent the whole of school trying to avoid him

and now I seem to have pissed him off.

This is actually caught on something.

What am I meant to do, hide from him in my own house?

..stay on the line, we know you... Your own house?

What?

DOORBELL RINGS

Digsy. All right, Richie?

Fancy seeing you here.

Here, do you know Craig Bellows is parked outside your house?

Er, yeah. Absolute nutter, that guy, eh?

Uh-huh. What are you doing here?

I'm just delivering this for your dad.

Oh, are you a courier now? I am, yeah.

Where's your van? Oh, I'm just on foot, like,

help save the planet and that. What about your other parcels?

Oh, I just do one house at a time, like. Oh.

Were you nicking it? I was, yeah.

Thought you might be. Didn't realise it was your house,

saw the van pull away and instinct took over, you know?

Sure. Right, well, I'll just get a quick photo of the parcel.

You remember you're just pretending to be a courier?

I am, yeah!

See you later, Richie. Digsy?

Take care, mate. Take care.

SLAMMING Would you close?!

Why do you never close?!

Argh!

DOGS BARKING

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Mm.

Please stay on the line. We know you're waiting...

HE WHISTLES

HOLD MUSIC PLAYING

BEEPING

Sally, hi. Well, hello, you.

Hi. Well, do I have some news.

Really? Do you? Indeed I do.

Oh. How do you feel about six months in the south of France

in a film starring a certain Benedict Cumberbatch?

SALLY LAUGHS

I'd feel very good!

Yeah, well, they loved your audition.

Hold on a minute, I haven't done an audition for a film

with Benedict Cumberbatch.

What? Yes, yeah, no, you did.

I think I would have remembered.

It was last week, Robert.

This is Richard.

Ah.

Pritchard! Yes, I see what I've done.

OK, good to check in anyway, erm...

Richard. Yep, was going to say that, yeah.

OK... No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Have any offers come in for me? I wouldn't have thought so, no.

Could you check?

No, nothing's come in.

Did you check?

Yes, well, we'll keep in touch. LINE BEEPS

Hello?

Why are the blinds shut?

So as I can get the full benefit of the head torch.

Why don't you just turn the light on?

Because then, Richard, the head torch would be redundant.

Yeah, that's...that's kind of my point.

There's a parcel for you.

No, no, no, no, no, that's not for me,

that's for you. Eh? Aye.

Please stay on the line. We know you're waiting

and your call is very important to us...

You're very, very welcome.

Am I? Well, you've not been getting a lot of acting work recently,

have you? And everybody needs an accountant, don't they?

Even people in Forres.

You could get yourself a wee office on the high street and everything.

Oh, even a stupid child like me?

You're not honestly suggesting I train to be an accountant?

Regular work, Richard.

I've got a job, thanks.

Well you better give them a ring, they'll be wondering

where you've been for the past six weeks.

A fallow period is part of every actor's life, Dad,

we all go through it.

I can't believe you think this is the solution.

I'm only trying to help, Richard.

Well, you haven't. Acting is all I've got, yeah?

It's what I love and it's what I've chosen to do with my life,

so I'd like you to respect that.

We're talking about respecting choices now, are we?

Well, respectfully, maybe you can help me get all my things

back into the spare room,

or would that scupper your grand plan?

My what?

You think I don't know what you're up to, boy?

I don't think I know what I'm up to.

GLASS SMASHING Argh! Argh.

DOOR SQUEAKS

You all right there, mate?

Er, I was checking the radiators and I knocked out one of the boxes.

That's OK.

It's a lie, Craig.

I smashed it on purpose.

That's OK.

It's the old class photo. Ah.

Sit down. Actually, I'm just working with my dad.

Sit down now. Yeah.

Actually, I fancy a little sit down.

Please stay on the line. We know you're waiting

and your call is very important to us.

There's you. Yeah, yep.

There's me.

There's Emily Gibson.

Oh, there's Zach French.

Do you remember him? What a character!

Emily there.

Mm-hm. Does she still live across the road?

Er, no...

No, not...not for ages.

You still in touch?

Er, with, er...

..with Emily? Erm...

Ah, I wouldn't have thought so.

Yeah, I got over everything that happened between us, by the way.

I'm thriving now. Sorry, what happened between us?

You know, seeing you today, I'm finding it very hard

to forgive you, Richard.

I've tried many times.

Did a course in anger management and everything.

It showed me that meeting life's problems with rage

is counterproductive. Well, good for you.

I'm not finished. Yep.

It helped me to let go of the resentment

that I'd carried for such a long time.

That's where Mr Oddjob comes in, you see?

Mr Oddjob is happy.

Mr Oddjob gets up in the morning with purpose.

Mr Oddjob helps people.

Mr Oddjob keeps the demons at bay.

You should get that on the side of your van.

You know, I am trying very hard, Richard,

to be a bit more Mr Oddjob and a bit less Craig right now.

Mm-hm.

You ruined my life.

Did I?

Where's your bin? Why?

I've finished my raisins. Ha-ha.

I can get them for you.

HOLD MUSIC PLAYING

Has someone stuck you on rewind?

We've literally just cleared that drawer.

Interesting use of the word "we".

I'm just going to check the wiring in the main bedroom,

if that's all right? Oh, that's all right, son.

You carry on, aye. I'll get Richard to bring you a wee cup of tea.

What? Great. Er, six sugars and two sweeteners.

Ooh.

Thanks for that.

Where's the sweeteners? The sweeteners that you said

were bad for me?

The sweeteners that you said you should throw in the bin?

Yes. Under the sink. Thank you.

Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us.

Unbelievable.

Hm.

Knock, knock.

Here's your tea, six sugars, two sweeteners.

Um...

It's a bit sweet. Sorry. Erm...

..Craig, mate. I'm not your mate.

Just Craig, then.

I just want to say, we all did stuff we regret at school.

Like when you wore make-up?

That wasn't make-up, that was cover-up for my acne.

Oh. What did you cover it up with?

With make-up. Fair point, OK.

Look, I just want to say, whatever I did to upset you,

it would have been completely by accident,

so I just want to say,

I'm sorry.

Do you remember the third-year school play?

It was Romeo and Juliet, wasn't it?

Did you know that I auditioned for the part of Romeo?

Er, I-I did not know that.

And you got the part.

Oh, yeah, yeah, so I did.

I only wanted it because Emily was playing Juliet.

Is this about Emily? Everything is about Emily.

I was in love with her. I just thought if I could be her man

on stage...

..maybe she would want me to be her man off stage too.

You know...

You know what the worst thing was?

You were really good.

Oh! Oh, thank you!

Er, yeah, I...

I mean, I was pleased with what I did.

I mean, I've always said if you don't put the work in,

but in terms of my own process...

I don't care what my process is,

I've always said that.

Erm...

I didn't realise you were in the audience.

I was outside watching through the window,

in the rain...

..and sometimes not in the rain, if it wasn't raining.

Sure. Watching you hold her...

..and kiss her.

Argh, this tea is too sweet!

Well, you did ask for... It should have been me!

Mm. You getting that part was my Sliding Doors moment,

you know, the film with Gwyneth Paltrow?

Er, yeah, yeah, I've seen it. It's my favourite film.

It's your favourite film? Aye.

No, me too.

Yes, yes, of course.

Aye, yeah.

Well, thank...thank you for calling me back, Avril.

I've got eyes on my Lewis,

can you just confirm that you've got eyes on your Lewis?

That's great, OK.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, cheery bye, cheery bye just now.

Well, that's cleared that up.

You're not Avril's boy after all.

Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us.

I'm paying �6 an hour for this.

PHONE RINGING

Oh, that's my phone. It's in there, it's in that one.

In this one? In that one. You mean this one?

Ah, so it is, so it is. There it is, I've got it, I've got it.

Hello, Ken Pritchard, Forres.

Oh, ha, we've actually been trying to get through to you.

It's the bank.

I'm on hold to the bank. Er, well I'll you exactly

what the problem is. The problem is I can't get into my account.

Ah. All right, yes, hold on.

My account number is 3204...

No, wait. ..22... Wait, Dad.

..01. Dad! I didn't even realise I was with Regal Banking.

Dad, no, give me the phone.

No, I will not give you the phone. Give me the phone.

I'm not giving you the phone, Richard, it's my phone.

Hang up on them. Just give me... I'm not giving you the phone.

Just give me...!

Argh, argh!

Argh, argh!

Stop behaving like a child!

Give me the phone! It's my phone!

Give me the phone, it's a scam!

Everything is a scam with you!

Just listen to me.

You're with the Albion Bank. Why would the Regal Bank

be calling you anyway?

Oh... Huh?

Right.

Well, you get him back in here to do the...

..something with the...

whatever it is he's here to do, right?!

Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us.

PHONE RINGING

You've got to eat, Dad.

Well, it's not poisoned.

Well, because the chef used to work for Gordon Ramsay.

Er, look, I've got to go, Dad.

I'll speak to you tonight.

Right. Right.

Dads, hey? What are they like?

Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us.

I just put mine into a nursing home last week.

Sunny Acre, cost an arm and a leg, but he hates it.

It's got a gym, a cinema, it's even got a spa.

I spent all the money from my mum's inheritance

so that he could have somewhere he'd like,

but he doesn't care.

At the end of the day, nursing home is just a nursing home to him.

Yeah, I've got it here, Sunny Acre.

Oh, yeah, that looks good.

You know...

..I always thought not getting Romeo was the moment

that my life took this path.

Like, if I'd gotten it, I could have been somebody else.

Could have been you. You don't want to be me, Craig.

Honestly, I'm out of work,

in Forres living with my dad.

If I'd known how you felt, I would have stepped aside,

you would have been a good Romeo.

You know, slightly different energy perhaps,

but, erm...

I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.

And with Emily, nothing...

..nothing was going...was going on.

I was too shy....

Too shy to do what?

No, no, no nothing, that was a new sentence.

Also, I was...

..I was too shy.

So you're saying that you never fancied Emily back?

What do you mean back? Well, she fancied you.

Overheard her telling Mandy Miller in maths one day.

What did she say?! Like, word for word?

Ah, so you do fancy her?

Ah, actually I don't care what she said, who cares what SHE says?

Pfft, not me. Are you sure you don't see her any more?

Definitely not.

Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us.

Erm...

..Craig, maybe...maybe we should, er...

..just get back inside, you know?

This...this hold music is shit.

Leave it! HOLD MUSIC PLAYING

You all right there?

That song always used to make me think of Emily.

D-Do you know what you need to do?

You need to...you need to bring it...

You need to bring it in. You need to bring it in, come on.

Just give me two minutes and I'll show you the house.

Yeah, be nice actually. Sure.

Sure, yeah, you let it out. HE SOBS

Yes, thanks, I think it's all out.

No, it's not. Yeah, it is. No there's more, there's more!

Get off!

Sorry, what's happening?

Emily.

I can explain.

I couldn't explain. Hold still.

Sure. Ah! HOLD RECORDING: ..your call is very important to us.

Why was he so angry anyway?

I don't know.

He's a nutter.

You remember him from school. Yeah, I guess.

Pfft! Ah!

Oh, don't be such a baby, it's just TCP.

Do you still speak to Mandy Miller?

Mandy Miller?

God, I've not seen her in years, what made you think of her?

Mm. Here, that's the best I could find.

Oh, that's, er...

..perfect. Why don't you wrap it round his mouth?

You two OK? Ask him.

He's just confiscated my phone!

Confiscated? It's for his own good.

Ah, that's it there!

No, that's mine. Just...

Is it? Well, it looks exactly like mine.

No, Dad. Put it down, I'm serious. What have I...?

What have I done here? Dad, I'm on hold to the bank, put it down!

I knew it! What?

A nursing home. Oh, Richard!

He's not nearly old enough to go into a home.

Right, you... Just calm down, right? Listen to me.

I'm not listening to you any more, boy!

I'm too old to decide what possessions I have in my own house,

I'm old for a phone.

I know what your game is, you're going to tear me down

piece by piece until I've got no fight left.

Well, I will not go gentle

into that long good night, believe you me.

Dad! I don't want to put you into a home,

all I want to do is get the house sorted

so I don't worry about you when I leave!

I also don't want you scammed out of everything you've worked for

your entire life, that's it!

And there's no way I could afford that place.

Sorry, are we going to view this house at some point today?

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot you were there.

Yes, yes, let's do that. Ah!

Thanks for waiting.

Just remember to ice it.

Yeah, thank you! For ...

DOOR CLOSES ..everything.

Are we good? Yeah.

Dad, you know I'd never force you to do anything you didn't want to.

As long as I'm around, you'll be here.

I promise.

You didn't tell me it had a swimming pool!

Make your mind up, yeah?

OK, so these are for the dump.

Right. These are for keeps.

Can I have my phone back now? Fine, but just remember what I said.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh! Mm.

Right, ready for a little trip down memory lane?

Oh, you managed to fix it, then?

Yeah, I'm not as useless as you think.

Is this the school nativity? Yeah.

MUM: Ken, have you got it working yet?

Richard's got the opening speech bit.

Eh? RICHIE CHUCKLES

It's nice to hear Mum's voice again.

Eh?

You know, we better have a think about

where we're going to scatter her at some point.

Oh, there's plenty of time for that.

APPLAUSE

Quick, that's it starting now.

Don't worry, Jean, we just press this button and we are recording.

RICHIE CHUCKLES

The intention was there.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, look.

Oh, your mother must have done that.

Hmm.

Cup of tea? Yeah, that'll be nice.

Please stay on the line. Your...

LINE RINGS

Hello, thank you for holding. You're through to Siobhan at Albion Bank.

How can I help you today?

Siobhan at the Albion Bank, is it, eh?

Well, I'll tell you, you can go away and chase yourself!

Trying to rob pensioners? My son's told me about creeps like you...

Dad! Don't you be calling this number back, you hear me!

Dad, wait! Nah, nah, nah, nah! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha...

What did you think of that?

Ha-ha! Ooh!

You're through to the Albion Bank,

your wait time is currently estimated at

three hours and 47 minutes.

Oh, snowdrop... What about snowdrop?

Snowdrop682, maybe could be that, could it?

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