Original subtitles

PHONE RINGING

Yeah. Yeah, I've just arrived.

I should be with you in about 20 minutes.

Yeah.

Do you need into the iPad right now, or can it wait 20 minutes?

No? Well, have you tried the passcode?

It's 24-01-47.

Yeah, it Mum's birthday, it's the same.

Yeah, always the same.

No, it's probably just locked you out for five minutes.

I don't know, have a cup of tea?

Hello? Oh, and he's gone.

Richie, what are you doing back?

Hi, Digsy, how's life? Aye, no bad, mate.

Getting by, you know? But can't really talk right now.

Catch up with you in a bit, eh? Oi! No worries.

Stop! All right, Richie? Mike.

See you later, Richie! Take care, Richie.

Give back the meat! PHONE RINGING

Yes, Dad.

PHONE RINGING Dad, I'm 30 seconds away.

Yeah, you've taken the batteries out?

It doesn't take triple As.

Look, I'm literally walking up the path.

Oh, yes. Yeah, I see you.

That's you walking towards me.

And that's you, you're here.

Hi, Dad. Eh?

I just said hi. Hi, hello.

I'm telling you, this thing is definitely kaput!

Oh, I can see the problem.

Oh, so there is a problem now, Mr Expert?

It's not an iPad...

..it's kitchen scales.

Correct.

Come on, you'd better get changed, otherwise we're going to be late.

Wait, late for what?

DAD HUMMING

Just to be clear, you never mentioned anything about a funeral.

I hardly knew Malcolm, he was your friend.

My friend? You've got to be joking.

I couldn't stand the man.

Then why are we here?

Well, it's a social contract, Richard.

You go to someone's funeral, they come to yours.

Well, not if they're dead.

Please be seated.

Will you look at that?

I mean, honestly, you toil all your life and what do they do?

They send you off in a fruit basket.

Promise me that when my time comes,

you'll make sure my coffin is fully waterproof.

Yeah, I think being waterproof

is going to be the least of your worries.

And I want a good Catholic service.

What about hymns? Dates?

March works for me.

Oh, I see.

My demise is funny to you now, is it?

No, but since we're on the subject, how come I'm not Catholic?

I mean, you and Mum were.

Well, er...

..when you were born, the nearest church to where we lived

was Protestant, so it just seemed to make a lot of sense at the time.

So if we'd lived next to a mosque, I'd be Muslim?

What have you got against the Muslims?

Will you just keep your voice down?!

Sh!

That was your fault.

Hey?

Aha. Oh!

Hey, that's enough, you can always come back.

Sausage rolls for your tea tonight!

Extra pocket fluff for me, thanks.

Listen, er...

..I want you to help me into my online banking when you're here.

Oh, not again. Can you not just email?

I can't get into that either.

OK. Is there anything you can get into?

Hey? Would you please make an appointment with Dr Roach

about your earwax? I can hear you.

It's just I cannae hear what you're saying.

I don't even know what that means.

Oh, there he is!

Two heavies, please, Ian. Lager.

Coming up. Dr Sparrow!

We heard you were back.

Loving Detective Manners.

Great, thanks. We were a bit disappointed

with the lack of murders in the latest series, though.

Right. Yeah, I mean, there were two kidnappings,

and the online troll episode, but...

BOTH: ..no murders? I'll mention it to the writers.

While you're at it, get them to change the name of the show

to Detective Manners And Dr Sparrow.

Oh, they'd love that.

But they're hardly going to do that, are they?

I mean, they're only in one in every third episode.

I was joking, and it's every second episode, actually,

plus Christmas specials,

and I've got a bigger part in the next series, so...

Oh, well...

..might need to rethink the order on the old wall of fame there.

Pylon Paul is still in there at number one.

I see that, Jen. The man did climb a pylon, Richard.

And managed to cut the power to the whole town.

By accident! And when it came back on, he was on Sky News.

Straight from the pocket?

Saw you out on the old bike the other weekend.

Oh, yes, yes.

I like to keep her ticking over.

Who was the kid you had in your sidecar?

That was my wee pal, Percy.

You're friends with a kid?

Did I say Percy was a kid?

How long are you back for, Richie? Just until tomorrow night.

Eh? I thought you were here for a few days.

No, I need to get back. We start shooting the series on Monday.

I told you all this on the phone.

Oh! Dad! Fine.

Make sure you let us know when it's on, eh, Richie?

Make sure more people die this time, huh?

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha!

Sorry for your loss.

Dad!

Look, I'm sorry I can't stay longer.

So, what, are we just not going to talk?

Look!

That bloody cat from the down the road,

it keeps crapping on the garage roof!

Can't you say something? It's a cat!

To the owner.

Kenny boy, glad I caught you!

Oh! I wonder if now was a good time to chat about the situation

with the old bins?

Move, move, move, move, move!

What's Rod's problem now?

Oh, no idea.

Some old nonsense about hygiene.

Oh, bugger!

Ah!

The nerve, eh?

Exactly.

Do you want a wee probiotic?

Who's this? Oh, that's Percy.

Percy's a doll?

I got him at a charity shop in Elgin.

Oh, Jesus, Dad!

How can you live with that smell in the house?

Smell, what smell?

Oh, that's disgusting!

RATTLING

Ah! The forbidden love of one man and his bin.

Ah.

Hi, Emily. Er, yeah, it's funny, actually.

I was going to, erm... So, you... Are you...?

So you're here. You're...you're here... Am I...?

We... Yeah...

Are you having a stroke?

Erm...don't know.

Actually, I might be.

It's been a while. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just, er..

..back visiting my dad. It's been a year since Mum...

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been keeping an eye on him for you.

Oh, have you? Yeah, we hang out and have tea.

Occasionally we go for a walk.

You're not dating him, are you? Cos he's not got any money.

Oh, now you tell me. RICHIE CHUCKLES

Mm.

What's in the box? Oh, it's just some stuff from my folk's house.

Finally settled their estate.

Only took me two years.

Managed to fall out with all my remaining family,

and, well, check it out.

Yeah, suits you.

It's from stress.

Oh, right, no, it's...it's... Yeah.

I didn't think you'd...

And even if you had, you still have...

All right, mate, don't have another stroke.

So, how are you? Yeah, good.

Got a larger part in Detective Manners, erm...

So my agent's hoping that, you know,

it might help to get a play or a film or something like that,

and I'm auditioning all the time for things, so, yeah, it's good.

Things are really busy.

Cool.

Yeah, I meant how are YOU?

Oh, er, yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Right, well, I better get to work.

Lives to save, and you know, objects to remove from people's bottoms.

Mainly that one, to be fair.

Do you remember Mr Walsh?

Mr Walsh, PE? No, he actually puts things up his...?

Yep. Oh, I thought we were just making stuff up.

So, how long have we got you for?

What, a day, month, year?

Forever? Ah, yeah!

Who'd want to waste the rest of their days here?

Mm, yeah.

What kind of idiot would do that?

Oh, no. I didn't...

Emily, I didn't mean that. See you, Richard!

HE SIGHS

ALARM BEEPING

Heart pills, heart pills, heart pills.

Eh, what day is this?

Tuesday. Oh, I must have taken Tuesday's.

I'll just take Wednesday's.

No, no, wait! Have you taken them already?

ALARM BEEPING Oh, that's diabetes pills. Diabetes!

Diabetes, diabetes!

Does this happen every day?

ALARM BEEPING That's...

That's to remind me to put the bird seed out.

Crapping cat! HE BARKS

Go on!

Woof, woof, woof!

Well, this is new.

HE BARKS

SNIFFS: Ugh! Here, my birds!

Dad, is there anything in this fridge that's still in date?

Oh!

Will you give me peace?

Honestly, my generation didn't pay any attention to sell-by dates,

and look at us, we turned out just fine!

HE BARKS

Dad, you can't just ignore every advancement in human civilisation.

I can and I will.

What about maybe...

..getting some help around the house?

I don't need any help.

I've got you, haven't I?

When you can be bothered to come and visit, that is.

Oh, ten phone calls a day not enough?

When you've forgotten one of your 400 logins

or there's a new pothole on the Rafford Road.

I tell you, you should see the size of it now.

It's huge. Dad, what I'm saying is...

..I just don't think you can carry on like this.

Thank you very much for your concern, Richard,

but I have a system that works perfectly well, thank you very much.

ALARM BEEPING

No idea.

Yeah.

Sally, hi, just checking in on everything.

I know you'll be busy negotiating my bumper new deal

for my enhanced role in the show. Erm...

..we did talk about a bigger dressing room with two sinks,

so it'd be great to get that in writing, so, erm...

..yeah, erm, talk soon.

Oh, and it's Richard, by the way.

Richard Pritchard. I play Dr Sparrow in Detective Manners.

So, yeah, OK, bye.

Bye, bye, bye.

Sorry, is it Richard, Ken's son?

Er, yes. Hi. Susannah.

Just a little thing...

Susannah, we're out of bubbles!

We'll have to open your cheap stuff.

That's fine.

What it is, it's Finn, my son.

He fell off his bike the other day, and Ken was great,

don't get me wrong, he helped him up and everything,

but then he called him a silly twat.

Right, er, yeah.

He thinks it means twit.

I mean, he's always getting his words mixed up.

When I was born, he told everyone he'd cut the imbecile cord.

No, totally. It's just that Finn's taken quite a liking to the word,

so I'm a twat, his dad's a twat, his nan's a big annoying twat.

Susannah, these canapes are not going to make themselves!

Which, to be fair... Did you hear what I said?!

I said... Can you just give me a second, Irene?!

I'll sort it.

Ah!

Here's the issue.

I disinfect my bins on the fortnight. Right.

And I've tolerated your dad's - and I'm going to say it, Dickie -

..your dad's filthy bins for years,

but now he's mixing up our bins after the collection day.

A line has been crossed!

Yeah, yeah, I'll make sure he knows.

I just want my bins back!

I'll make him aware, Rod!

Oh!

Dad?

Dad?

Oh, my God! Dad, what the hell are you doing?

Well, it's not been heating up properly for weeks,

so, I thought I'd just turn it on and, you know, observe.

What?

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Sally, hi.

Yes, Richard, so, the thing is, I have some news.

Are you sitting down? No.

It doesn't matter, because I am.

Now, it's Detective Manners, he's dead.

What, the character? Exactly, yes, but also, erm,

the actor who plays him, or played him now, I suppose.

Wait, Phil?

Mm-hm.

Phil Thorne's dead? Yeah, I know.

I just told you that.

But how?

Well, you know he was allergic to bees?

Yeah. Well, he was run over by a bus.

Sorry, I don't get the link.

Yeah, so they think he was running away from a bee.

Oh, my God!

What a tragic loss. Mm.

And...

..what's happening to the show? Well, the show's over, Richard.

They can't make Detective Manners without Detective Manners.

They'll just repeat the old series.

I mean, no-one's going to notice!

Right. Anyway, I should be off.

Listen, I can definitely see us talking again.

No, no, Sally, we... Can I have another large Sauvignon?

SHE HANGS UP

I've, er...

..brought you a wee glass of milk for your bed.

No, thanks. Oh.

I've poured it now. All right, fine.

Right, well, I'll be seeing you in the morning.

See you in the morning, Dad.

Eh?

Mm, ugh!

Oh!

CRASHING Christ! Dad?!

Dad, are you all right?!

Dad!

Oh! Oh, my God! What have you done?

I mean...

..are you going to help, or what?

When did your chiropodist die? DAD SIGHS

Your mother used to make the appointments.

I don't know what you're supposed to say.

Text him a photo.

Trust me, they'll understand.

DAD FARTS And there it is.

Was that you? It's always you, Dad.

Right, let's get some sleep.

We've got an early start in the morning.

Get the house in order before I head back.

Yeah, yeah, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.

BED SPRINGS CREAK

What is it?! I don't normally sleep in pyjamas.

Well, you do tonight.

For God's sake.

See?

Why don't we just walk into the town?

Because we don't have time. I'll take you past Bellosi's

and I'll buy you a nice big...

..ice cream.

What...? I know, I know, I know, I know.

I was going to tell you,

but, well, er...

..your mother had a wee bit of an accident.

She drove into the outdoor swimming pool up Hopeman Way.

Tell me she didn't kill someone.

Oh, no, no, no.

It was between...

..water aerobics and, er, aqua pump.

Ha, ha, ha.

I don't know, whatever that is, I've no idea.

Why didn't you tell me? Well, she was embarrassed.

You know your mother.

Never the most confident driver.

Oh, I don't know. I mean, she did invent the motorway U-turn.

Don't remind me.

It was after she drove into the pool

that I realised she was...

..starting to go downhill.

I suppose you get to notice the little things.

Right, we need to get the bus, I'm afraid.

There's no need to be afraid.

Ha! We don't need no bus.

Hey? Oh.

Come on, help me get the cover off.

Hi-ho, Silver! Away!

You never imagine the day is going to arrive, do you,

when you're going to be buying your own death bed, eh?

Well, don't call it that. When you're buying a bed at 74,

it's probably going to be the bed you'll die on, innit?

What about this one?

What's the problem? HE MUMBLES

What are you eating? Er...

..it's a...a pasty.

Is there ever an occasion where you don't have some form of

processed meat in your pocket?

Yeah... Please don't take another bite.

No. Dad, no.

You're not seriously going to...

Oh! Hi, can I help you? Mm!

We're looking for a bed for my dad.

Where do you keep your death beds, dear?

Dad, would you just let me do this, please?

Yeah, we're looking for a bed for my dad.

OK, well, if you'd just like to follow me.

So, this one is actually on offer right now.

It's a mobility bed, remote controlled,

and it comes with a memory foam mattress included.

Oh, and what's a memory foam mattress when it's at home?

It just means the mattress remembers how you like to lie

and moulds itself around you.

Oh, I'm not sure how I feel about a mattress with a better memory

than me!

Well, you're welcome to get in and try it.

No, that's OK.

Dad... Oh, can you take your shoes off, please?

Ah! He needs to take his shoes off.

Yeah, I'm on it, I'm on it. Right...

Dad! No!

What the hell is that?! Oh! It's not what it looks like.

No, that's my pasty!

That's disgusting! Oh, calm down!

There's no need to be a twat about it.

Excuse me?!

Er, twit. He means twit.

Twit, twat, it's all the same!

No, it isn't! Twat means vagina!

CUSTOMERS GASP

I can't do this. Do what?

I can't deal with this, this madness that follows you everywhere.

Have you any idea how difficult it is to have a dad like you?

Oh, come on. Dad, come...

Oh, come on. Dad!

Er, you can't leave.

There's a laundrette at the other end of the retail park.

Oh, do you know what? I'll just buy the bed.

How much is it? �1,100.

Where exactly is the laundrette?

Oh!

DOORBELL RINGS

Dad! He's not in, I've checked.

Right, Dicky boy.

I will organise your dad's bins,

and in return, he will give my bins a wide berth.

Capiche? Piss off, Rod.

Righto.

Digsy.

Digsy!

Digsy!

Richie, what are you doing back?

We saw each other yesterday.

We did? Was I there?

Yeah. Look, you've not seen my dad around, have you?

I have, actually. He was in the pub.

Nice one.

Oi!

Oi!

Catch you in a bit, mate!

Oi! Oi! Come back here!

Dr Sparrow! Yeah, hi.

Has my dad been in? He was in earlier.

But then he left. That was after he came in.

Thanks, Ian.

Oh, he did say he wanted to spend the rest of the day

with someone who actually appreciated him.

Who would that be now, Richard? Hmm?

TANNOY: The next train for Inverness will arrive in five minutes.

Should have guessed, really.

I see you managed to order Mum's plaque.

I got it on the online.

I wish you'd let me get it.

Every day, when I finished my shift on the train,

she'd be sitting right here.

Right here...

..waiting for me.

THEY CHUCKLE

Can't believe a whole year's gone already.

That's time for you.

We've not had much chance to speak about her since I've been back,

I mean... Not a lot you can say, really.

She was here...

..she was wonderful...

..and now she's not here any more.

Should have got that on the plaque. Ha!

Anyway, what time's your train?

Seven.

You'll be wanting something to eat before you leave, eh?

I think the real reason I stay away...

..is so I can pretend it isn't happening.

What isn't happening?

You...

..getting older.

I'm not dead yet!

I was thinking that.

So maybe I could, er...

..stick around for a bit?

W-What about your work? Ah...

..that won't be a problem for a while.

Detective Manners is dead.

But, er, if he's dead, who's going to investigate it?

No, no, not the character, the actor's dead.

Oh.

The show's dead.

It's all over.

Plus, I'm struggling to pay the rent as it is, so...

..I don't think London's going to be calling for a little while.

You're not moving in with me, are you? No.

Otherwise we'll both be dead before our time.

CHAINS SNAPPING

TANNOY: The next train for Inverness will arrive in two minutes.

All right, Richie, what are you doing back?

Digsy.

You don't need a story or anything, do you?

No, not for years now. SHE CHUCKLES

Thanks again for doing this.

It's just until I find somewhere so I can keep an eye on him.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, it's fine.

It saves me worrying about the place.

Oh, my God, this is so stressful. I'm going to lose another eyebrow.

Can I do it? No!

No, because I actually found...

..this technique on TikTok.

OK, cool. Well, good luck with that,

and if you need anything else just give me a shout.

Did you know that my mum had driven into the swimming pool?

It wasn't your mum that drove into the pool, it was your dad.

Oh, sorry, I, er... I shouldn't have said.

No...

..thanks for telling me.

Night, Richard. Night, Emily.

Try to make the most of the time you have left with him.

As hard as it was at the end with mine, it, er...

..beats not having them at all.

DAD BARKS LIKE A DOG

BARKING CONTINUES

Dad! Stop barking!

Eh?!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0